Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 (2012–2013): Season 1, Episode 6 - It's Just Sex... - full transcript

Hi, mom!

Happy spring forward!

Did you change your clock?

Only the microwave.
The rest change themselves!

Ready for some spring cleaning?

Yes! Chloe actually got me
some cleaning supplies.

Whoo! What'd you get?

"Lady Evelyn's
feminine wash."

What's the picture on the box?
Is that woman rowing a boat?

Oh, God. I gotta go.
What is that...

Good Lord. Why are you
dressed like a mechanic?



Why did you pick me up
feminine wash?

You said you needed
cleaning supplies.

Okay, well, I'm off.
A man I can't name

is flying me to a place
I can't tell you about.

It's Paris!
Wow, I gave that up easy.

Wait. So part of spring cleaning
is about reorganizing.

Remember when you were choking,
and I saved you,

and then you said I could have
some shelf space?

You can have that one,

this one, this one,
and this one.

You can toss everything out,

including the box of
love letters from Jeff Goldblum.

I need closure.

I thought I'd donate some
of my roommate's old stuff



to the church rummage sale.

God loves a bargain.

Oh, thank you so much, June.
Times are tough.

And we can use
all the help we... oh.

Love letters from a celebrity.

I had a famous suitor myself...
Frederick Spitz.

The famous puppeteer.

His hand manipulated a muppet
for 40 years...

And me, for one magical night.

Clean house, clean mind.

It is tub time.

♪

♪ you were navigating,
I was calibrating ♪

♪ you were validating
all that I could be ♪

♪ you were stipulating,
I was complicating ♪

♪ you insinuated
we could all be free, free ♪

I miss my plane...

No, I wasn't!

This must be how moms feel on
the first day of kindergarten.

Stand up. Give me a hug.

♪ I'm not
perfect, I'm no snitch ♪

♪ but I can tell you ♪

♪ she's a... ♪

♪ Ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba ♪

♪ ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba ♪

Corn dog, horndog?

I don't even know
why you're here.

I thought you were
leaving town.

The plane left without me,
and I was even on time.

He said to be there at 11:00,
and I got there at 11:30.

My little girl,
learning to play the lady harp.

So who was it?
Who were you strumming to?

Nope. Nobody. Nobody.

Soy latte guy.

He comes in every day,
he orders a soy latte,

and I can see his abs
through his t-shirt.

♪

♪ shorty got that what, what,
shorty got that good, good ♪

♪ shorty got that what, what,
shorty got that good, good ♪

♪ shorty got that what, what,
shorty got that... ♪

Do him.

I can't do him.
He's not relationship material.

He didn't know who
Eleanor Roosevelt was.

He's an iPod D.J., and he thinks
the moon is chasing him.

I can't marry a guy like that.
My kids will have bad genes.

You don't have to marry
every guy you're attracted to.

Some guys are just for sex.

Maybe you feel that way,

but I have to have feelings
for a guy

before I can sleep with him.

You do feel something.
Remember the tub, June?

That was God talking
directly to your body.

Just have casual sex with him.
It's great. That's what I do.

It's how I clear my head
and really figure things out.

"Lost" was purgatory.

Aioli is just mayonnaise!

I left my Louboutins
in the luggage room

at the gansevoort!

You had sex in my bedroom?!

Yes, June, and you can, too.

I'll teach you.
You'll be my legacy.

Now I'll be known
for two things...

introducing you to casual sex

and writing the final episode
of "The Sopranos."

June.

Meet Valentina, my new partner
on "Dancing With The Stars."

Hi! I'm June... can I get a tall
coffee with an extra shot?

Uh, Valentina, June's not
just the coffee lady.

Yeah, she can get you a scone
or a tropical fruit cup.

Just the bathroom key, okay?
And water for you.

Keep it tight. Caliente.

Right?

She's everything that
dump truck Angie wasn't.

She's young.
She's got 0% body fat.

And she's got one passion...
the dance.

We're gonna
beat the hell out of Dean Cain.

That's great, James.
Water's over there.

Hmm. That's going
on a comment card.

You can't just throw things,
June.

I mean, Ellen can because
she has a medical condition

called a myoclonic jerk.

Whoop!

Whatever you need to do, Ellen!
Not freaked out if you're not.

Be supportive.

Whoop!

June, you need
a killer pick-up line.

Look down at his hands

and then ask him
if he plays guitar.

- Can I get a soy latte?
- Do you play the guitar?

Nonfat soy latte.
Did you hear what I just said?

Wait. Did you just ask me
if I play the guitar?

Yeah. I don't know why
I said that.

My roommate said
it would be a good...

you think I look like
a rock star?

'Cause I feel like
I look like a rock star.

Wanna get a drink sometime?

Yeah. Yeah.

Uh, yes. I... okay.
Yeah, sure.

I'm Charles.
Hi. I'm June. I've...

I've been referring to you
as the, uh, soy latte guy.

Why?

Because, uh,
I didn't know your name,

and you always order
a soy latte?

Duh! Oh, God. Right.

Right. Ugh. Should have
gotten that one.

Oh, man.

♪ Shorty got that what, what,
shorty got that good, good ♪

♪ shorty got that what, what,
shorty... ♪

So I used your line,
and he said,

"Do you wanna have drinks
sometime?" And I said yes.

That's great!

But just remember. It's not a date.
It's casual sex. Yeah.

Yeah, it's just...
It's been so long,

and I've only ever done it
with Steven,

and what if they do it
different in New York,

or what if I'm bad at it?

I hear what you're sayin'.
You wanna see my sex tape.

Uh, what?
Yeah, James and I made it,

like, five years ago
when we dated briefly.

I'm surprised it's taken me
this long to show it to you.

I usually whip it out
at parties.

Let me see.
Where are my DVDs?

It was right here.
It was in the "Rain Man" case.

Oh, God.

I am so sorry for barging in
on you like this, pastor Jin.

I know you're very busy...

wh-what happened...
what happened to your nose?

Oh, I got a nose job.

So, um, do you remember that
box of items that I gave you?

It was all
my roommate's old stuff?

We need it back.
Not all of it. Just "rain man."

Oh, I can give you everything back
except "Rain Man." What? Why?

"Rain Man"
is my favorite movie.

I tried to watch your copy,
but I did not see Dustin Hoffman

humorously calling
for Judge Wapner.

I am so sorry about that.

I wasn't.
You taught me some things

I'm going to try
on Mr. pastor Jin.

Anyway, I sold it for 10 grand,

pimped out my office,
and streamlined my nose.

You sold it?!

Wine? Chicken?

Look, that video of me
getting rammed by my best friend

means the world to me.
Who did you sell it to?

Now work those judges.
Now work the camera.

Give me the face.
Work the judge...

no! Buddy, no!
What are your hips doin', huh"

yes! Damn it, push me!

Hello?

James Van Der Beek?
Yes.

Ron Roberts from Visage Video.

I'm watching you have sex
right now,

and soon American will be, too.

Visage Video got a copy
of our sex tape.

Oh, no. How did that happen?

I don't know! You tell me.

There are only two copies
in existence, and I have mine.

June did it.
I'm sorry, James!

June? She cleaned our house
because it's spring or something,

and then she sold all my stuff
to her cult leader

so she could fix her face.

Well, Ron Roberts says
I can either get on board

or spend a fortune
trying to stop it.

Either way, it's coming out.

I'm on my way to see
my advisor right now.

Ugh. Luther? No, I can't talk
to Luther about this stuff.

Straight sex makes him nauseous.

It's somebody who can
really see the big picture.

James,
everybody has a love video.

Colin Farrell's is dynamic.

He's a dynamic, sexy,
bald beast.

Yeah, but isn't this
gonna hurt me

on "Dancing With The Stars"?

Hurt you?
Every woman in America

is gonna watch you dancing
and think

about where your hips have been
and vote for you.

So should I play ball
with Visage?

James, as a mother,

I can't tell you
to release that tape.

But as a connoisseur
of modern pop culture,

I can't tell you not to.

Just make sure...
You're a sexy beast.

I think I'm a sexy beast.

I like your green hats.

It was
St. Patrick's day '07.

Yeah, I know. I was Chloe's
roommate back then, remember?

I was waiting for you guys
at Nifty O'Shannigans?

This drunk Irish guy threw
my purse into the street.

Oh! Dear Lord!
Oh.

Oh, I share your disgust, June.

Sex tapes give porn
a dirty name.

I mean, porn is a craft.
It takes real skill.

What, you think I can
go pick up a blowtorch

and turn on a camera, and all of
a sudden, I'm a welder?

What's she doing here?

Oh. Robin is America.

I'm using
her ethnically ambiguous eyes

as a demographic-straddling
focus group.

So...

What's the verdict so far?

Well, why do you keep
doing this?

See? Hmm. What's that?

What is that?

Where are you going?

I'm gonna go change
for my date.

This is not a date.
No special effort.

Wear exactly what
you wore today.

Well, at least let me
go get my purse.

You've got the only purse
you need.

My pants were on the floor.

I didn't have access
to my chapstick.

Remember, keep it casual
and act disinterested.

See what I'm doing
right there? Do that.

Are you sure you're okay
with this coming out?

It's just sex, June.
It's no big deal.

Now remember, go up for
a nightcap. Don't stay over.

If he asks
for your phone number,

give him... this.

It's Kelly Osbourne's,
and it's never not funny.

That's not what I
should be using my tongue for.

Well, here it is.

I told you it wasn't much.

Aah! Kill it!

June, this is Judy.
Say hi, Judy.

Hi, Judy.

Sorry. I saw it coming
out of the corner of my eye,

and I thought it was
a clawed rainbow.

Judy was my grandpa's.

He died last year,
and I got Judy in his will.

And the moon rocks.

Ugh.
Again with the moon rocks?

You know, I think
I'm actually gonna head out.

I'm kinda tired, so...

So hot in here. You hot?

♪ Shorty got that what, what,
shorty got that good, good ♪

♪ shorty got that what, what,
shorty got that good, good ♪

♪ shorty got that what, what

I did it, I did it, I did it,
I did it, I did it, I did it,

and I think I did it
pretty good

if I do say so myself.

You're not complaining,
are you, sweet stuff?

June, now remember,

don't stay over.

I'll leave him a note.

Put down the pen and leave!

Thank you very much.

Hi, Judy.

I went to Versailles!

I had casual sex!

Yay! Good for you.
How was it?

You didn't get married, did you?

No. It was great!
You were right.

It was so different
from anything

I ever felt with Steven.

I mean, I can breathe.
I'm not obsessing over him.

I like him, but I'm not
constantly wondering

what he's doing all day.

You see these?
Tears of joy.

I haven't cried since I was 10

and my mom wouldn't take me
to see "Pulp Fiction."

Ooh! Ooh, it's Charles.

Hmm?

Oh. "Come over now.
I need you."

Aw, yeah!
Booty text!

Get out of here,
you little slut. I love you.

I got you something.

It's a casual sex kit.

There is makeup remover,
cab fare, energy bar,

instant coffee, tweezers,
tampons, pepper spray,

a short article,
and pictures of me.

For the casual sex-er!

I'm a casual sex-er!

Hey,
love muffin. Mama wants a...

Judy flew away!

Judy the... bird?

It was hot again
this morning,

and I accidentally left
the window open.

I'm sorry...
To... bother you.

I just needed to talk
to someone.

I'm, uh, really sorry
that this sounds cold, but...

We're... we're casual,
so, um,

maybe there's somebody
that you can call

that you know a little better?

Okay, bye.

Okay.

I know exactly how you feel.

My dog Cuddles ran away
when I was 7,

and I cried for a week.

It feels like I could cry
for a year.

Oh!
Grandpa! Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Okay, fine.
This is what we're doing.

Oh, God. No. Oh, it hurts.

Oh, God.

Have you ever been
with someone who cries a lot?

No, but Jennifer has.

She likes it when I cry so hard,
my whole body heaves. Why?

Um, this guy I'm seeing...
well, not really seeing.

He... he's not my boyfriend.

We've just been having
casual sex. I barely know him.

Well, as long as you barely know him.

Oh! Well, hello.

Where have you been? I haven't
seen you for three days.

I haven't seen you either.
You haven't been home at all.

I've been home
this entire time.

No, I haven't. But Robin has,
and she told me everything.

June hasn't been home
for three days!

Did she die? If she died,
can I move back in with you?

I can get out of my lease,

or my friend Todd
can take it over.

It doesn't matter. I just wanna
be back in the winner's circle.

Well, Robin's lying.

I've been...

sorry about your boyfriend's
bird, June.

But no propaganda
in the bathroom.

I knew it! You need to break up
with him immediately.

I am ending it.
I've already begun him

on a 5-step program
to break things off.

I am sending him texts by not
putting any X's or O's.

And I will smash
every single of them

until you break up with him.

Bird boy was supposed to be
one stop on a world tour.

You don't play Birmingham
twice, June.

You're right. I'll end it.

I promise.

Chloe, that was a customer!

We're all trying to help you.
This matches my outfit.

So Luther talked
to my P.R. team.

They're thrilled about
the sex tape. Yay!

Yeah. It's gonna be tons
of free press. Hey!

Turns out publicists
are behind 85%

of all celebrity sex tape leakage.
Really?

So I talked to Visage
about making some trims,

especially the lip licking.
That's the whole middle part.

I know. They won't let me
trim a second,

but they will allow me
to do some reshoots,

which means I'm gonna need you
to have sex with me again.

No way. I have
a scorched earth policy, James.

You know that. Come on.
I look like a serial killer,

licking my lips
every five seconds.

America's not gonna think
I'm a sexy beast,

and they're not gonna vote
for me on "D.W.T.S."

Come on.

Fine, but I have
to be really drunk.

That'll be perfect
for continuity.

Thanks for lunch.
Yep.

I'm sorry.
I thought it was Judy.

When I saw that bird
smashed in the street...

It was pigeons.
They were all pigeons.

Oh. We ran up to
four dead pigeons.

Weak sauce, June.

You're playing Birmingham again.

She's dumping you. It's over.

Honey? Is this true?
No, it's just...

oh, really, "honey"?

Because I record
all conversations

for legal and personal reasons

that have nothing to do
with my relationship

with the French president
Nicolas Sarkozy,

who is not the man
I'm dating who has a plane.

Excusez, Chloe...

Ooh. Heh. Sorry.
Wrong conversation.

You're right.
I'll end it. I promise.

Oh, God. I...

I thought I hit rock bottom
when Judy left, and I did,

but this is rock bottom-er.

Judy would have loved that.

How could you do that?!

How could you not do that?

I was letting him down easy!

He was a real person
with real feelings!

Ugh! You are
the worst protege.

Look, I can't do
this whole casual sex thing.

I tried.

But I get too attached.
I can't be like you.

My lady harp has feelings!

Why do you have to make things
so complicated

when it could be just sex?

Because sex is complicated!

You've never had feelings
for somebody you've slept with?

"Slept with"?
Honey, if you're falling asleep,

he's obviously doing
something wrong. Ugh!

Ahh.

This really takes you back,
doesn't it?

I love St. Patrick's day.

You get to puke on the street,
and people applaud you for it.

All right. So...

We're gonna take it from, uh,
minute nine.

You've just broken the kazoo.

You had your hands
around my neck,

and we were kissing.

Okay.
All right.

Okay. My hat look good?

Yep.
Okay.

Okay.

What?
Sorry, sorry.

What? (Exhales deeply) Sorry.
Nothing. Okay. Ready?

All right. Okay.

What?

I just thought of something.
Fat lady falling?

No,
no, but that's good.

Okay, okay, stop it.
We have work to do.

Okay.
All right.

Ready?
Yes.

Okay, how's this?
Am I hurting you?

No, that's fine.

Oh, my God.
"Am I hurting you?"

What?

I-I care about your comfort.

That's why this is so weird.

I care about you. This wasn't
like this five years ago.

No, it wasn't.

I mean, five years ago,
you could've died,

and I wouldn't have cared.
I would have stolen your camera

and your stupid gold skull ring
with the ruby eyes.

I'm so glad you don't
wear that anymore.

That stupid ring was so bad.

I feel like we're going off
on a tangent.

I am! It was a bad ring.
But the point is,

I can't have sex with you
because I care about you.

June has ruined me

with all of her stupid talk
about feelings.

Yeah, who am I kidding?
I care about you, too.

You know...
I'll just call Visage,

and I'll tell 'em...
Release the video as is.

If I'm a lip licker,
then I'm a lip licker.

Five years ago,
I would have stolen this.

And now I'm telling you
I'm taking it. I'm wrecked.

June! Guess what! I finally
know what you're talking about!

Feelings ruin everything.

That's not exactly what
I meant...

it turns out I care
about James too much

to make a porno with him.

Wow. That is so
your version of human.

Yeah, and then I started
thinking about you and bird boy,

and I kinda feel responsible
for that whole thing, so...

Judy!

Chloe found her.
Check it out.

Judy, what were
grandpa's last words?

"It was the tuna."

Ugh, that's disgusting.

How did you find her?

Well, after the whole
James debacle,

I had to make sure
I wasn't completely broken,

so I took home the first
random guy I could find,

and that's when
I figured it out.

Parrots that escape their cages

tend to nest in trees
within 25 feet.

So I yelled "Judy!"
Outside of Charles' apartment

for, like, ten minutes,

and all these old Jewish ladies
came up to me,

then finally this stupid bird.

You did a nice thing.

Yeah, well, I told
all those old ladies

I was their granddaughter,
and I needed 50 bucks,

so now I'm going shopping.
Bye!

So... now that Judy's back,
I guess we shouldn't...

Yeah, we shouldn't.

I'll still come in
for my soy lattes.

And I'll see you
in the tub.

Guess your boyfriend found his bird.
He's not my boyfriend.

Well, that's good...
Because he has a bird.

Judy wanted to go this way.

Oh, James. Prince Harry
stole your headline.

It's on the cover of every
tabloid in the checkout line.

It's all my church group
can talk about.

Oh. I'm so sorry, James.

I can't believe I was upstaged.

It's like Katrina
all over again.

My cologne "Love Hurricane"

was supposed to come out
that morning.

Oh, that's a shame.

Do you think
you could release it now?

Do you think
it's been long enough?

Probably not.
I mean, New Orleans is back,

but the gulf states
are still suffering.

You know what's delicious?

Jambalaya.

Yeah.

Yeah.