Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 (2012–2013): Season 1, Episode 5 - Making Rent... - full transcript

New York is the cultural
mecca of the world...

great shopping, theater,
restaurants...

If you have money,
which I don't.

I've been surviving

on a sack of potatoes
I found behind a deli.

I can't even afford
to pay rent this month,

not like this rich lady

sitting here
with her fancy dog,

eating gourmet crab cakes.

Is she offering me
a bite of crab cake?

Why did she do that?



I don't know why I did it,

toying with the girl's emotions
like that.

Maybe I was bored.

Maybe I was lashing out
at Geoffrey.

Either way,
it was something to do.

Oh, my God!

What happened to you?!

Oh, I spilled my soup at lunch,

and then a guy's heart
exploded on me.

I could never be a nurse
like you.

I'd be way too emotional.

Yeah, well,
that's because you're weak.

It takes a special kind
of person...

someone calm, composed,
not easily rattled.



Oh, my God! My mouse pad
with Chloe's picture on it came!

Yeah!

♪ Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm ♪

It's first, last,
and security to move in.

Is cash okay?

Oh! Good!

Our other roommate is home.

June, this is Bethany.

She responded to the roommate
listing that we posted.

What room... what are you...

No. No!

You cannot run the roommate scam
again, Chloe. It's wrong!

What's going on?
Am I still gonna meet Dawson?

It's the last time.
I swear.

Guten tag!

Oh! The German roommate.
I forgot about her.

Did you bring me
any gummi bears?

♪ I'm not perfect,
I'm no snitch ♪

♪ but I can tell you ♪

♪ she's a... ♪

♪ Ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba ♪

♪ ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba ♪

Wow. Gerta was really mad.

What is the matter with you?

I can't believe you were trying
to scam another girl.

Do you even know
what you're doing is wrong?

Help. Help another girl.

And it's not wrong.
It's a gray area.

There's no such thing
as a gray area.

It's either right
or it's wrong.

Not true. If it hadn't been me
stealing her money,

it would've been somebody else,

and they probably would've
killed her, too,

so I hope you're happy. You just
sent poor Becky off to die.

Bethany. Whatever.
Either way, she's dead.

You don't care who you hurt,
do you?

Whether it's Robin or Bethany
or that old German lady.

Shockingly, Gerta's only 25.

German people just age
so poorly.

So what's your plan to make up
my half of the rent?

Oh, your half?

Uh, yeah. You just scared off
those girls.

Now I have no way to pay.

I can't even cover my half.

And I can't ask my parents
for help.

They spent all their savings
putting me through grad school.

We canceled the cable and we're
making our own hair spray.

We'll be okay,

as long as Grandma Rose
passes soon.

Unfortunately, she's a fighter,

but, uh, we're prayin'.

We're praying.
Yeah, every night.

Well, whatever.
I'll just ask James.

Yeah. Absolutely.
No problem.

Whatever you need.

Thank you so much, James.
That's awesome.

Just talk to Luther.
He handles all my finances.

Bitch, please.

Bitch.

Ugh. Why not?

Because in the past four years,
you've borrowed...

Over $20,000 from James.

Dinners, shopping sprees.

And I'm not even counting
James' stunt double you "lost."

Come on, Luther.
I need the money.

And I needed notes on my play.

I gave it to you to read
over a year ago.

Remember?

So, again, my answer is...

The grapes on the vine

aren't having it.

If you'd read
my play, you'd get that.

All right, you guys finished?

'Cause I got something exciting
to show you.

Ready? And...

Reveal!

Nice.

Right? My publicist thought
I should take advantage

of all the press I'm getting
for "Dancing With The Stars"

and launch my own line of jeans.
So...

Beek jeans.

Put your cheeks in a beek.

Right?

Holy mother! Damn it, those are
tight! Doesn't that hurt?

So much. Yeah.

But if you want your ass
to rock,

your plums gotta pay the price.

Ah.

Do you want the button
or the euro?

Button. At least it'll be worth
something in a few years.

Topical.

Ohh. Am I so sick
of worrying about money.

Me, too. Jennifer and I are
actually talking about

moving in together
to save money on rent.

Big step! That's exciting!

Yeah, it is.

She's got a lot of definite
opinions about things...

my wardrobe, my music,
the way I eat eggs.

I blow on 'em whether or not
they're warm.

It bothers some people.

Ooh! I gotta run.
I gotta get to church.

Oh, I didn't know
you went to church.

I used to go every Sunday
back in Indiana.

I really missed
that sense of community,

so I found this really great
church right by my apartment.

Wow. I haven't been to church
in forever.

Jennifer thinks
God steals focus.

You mind if I tag along?

I was raised baptist,
so this feels like home.

What, do you speak Korean?

God speaks all languages.

Yes, but do you speak Korean?

That was a lovely sermon,
pastor Jin.

Ohh, June, thank you so much.

I'm sorry. I don't have anything
for the collection plate,

but I did bring you some of
my homemade jam.

Oh! Don't apologize.
Everyone loves your jam.

Number two seller at
the church bazaar last month.

Number one was
Grace park's velvet Elvises.

It's the jam.

The jam is the answer!

This has been
a very confusing day.

Hey. Can I touch your hair?

Uh..

Okay.
You look like Obama.

I-I gotta go to
the bathroom.

I have a new Nemesis.

Luther has just replaced
cheap Tequila.

I had a brainstorm at church.

Oh, you're still going
to that place?

You're such a good Korean.
Christian.

What am I saying?

I'm gonna make my homemade jam

and sell it to cover my rent.

Boo. Horrible idea.

No, it's not.
No one can resist my jam.

Here. Try it.
Be careful, though.

It's really hot.

Wow. This is amazing, June.

Really?
I can totally sell this.

We can team up
to make the rent.

Together,
we're twice as strong.

Yeah, we are!

♪ whoo-hoo ♪

♪ I don't want to take this
anymore ♪

♪ I'll just stay here
locked behind the door ♪

♪ just no time to stop
and get away ♪

♪ 'cause I work so hard
to make it every day ♪

♪ whoo-hoo ♪

♪ whoo-ee, yeah ♪
♪ I'm so happy ♪

♪ doing the neutron dance ♪

♪ ohh ♪
♪ I'm just burnin' ♪

Chloe!

♪ Doing the neutron dance ♪
♪ yeah, yeah ♪

Chloe, you forgot
one of the j...

Wait. What are you doing
with our jam?

I'm storing the jam
because Chloe and I are...

that's...

That's completely wrong.

Chloe! What are you doing?

I thought that you were
selling them

to artisan shops
and farmers markets.

Well, not exactly.

But don't worry. We're still
making money. Come on!

How?

Okay, don't be mad.

No one can resist

my hot, hot jam.

No one can resist
my hot, hot jam.

No one can
resist my hot, hot jam.

No one can resist my hot...

I made a fetish site.
We're gonna make a fortune.

...my hot, hot jam.

A fetish site?!
No one can resist my hot...

Remember when you fed me
a taste of your hot, hot jam?

Well, I realized that perverts
would pay a lot of money

to watch us make it,
which Eli confirmed,

so he helped me set up
the cameras.

Cameras?

Cameras?

Eli?

The subject is aware.

I can't believe
you would do this!

And who wants to see me
make jam anyway?

It's a very scientific process.
There is nothing sexy about it!

Mm-hmm.

Ohh.

Oh!

Is that why we were having
all those pillow fights?

June, you're missing
the big picture here.

We're gonna be rich. Right, Eli?

Totally. You guys are gonna
make so much money,

as soon
as the free trial period ends.

Free trial period?

Well, we need
to get people interested

before we can ask them to pay.

The food fetish market
is saturated right now.

You've got salad shooters,
grandma's garden,

ripe cherries, melon ballers...

so we've made no money?!

Not yet.
But in 54 short days, I...

I can't believe
you would do this!

I can't believe
you'd put me on a porn site!

That is wrong in so many ways!

It's a fetish site. And it's not
wrong. It's another gray area.

You would've been making the jam
whether or not we filmed it.

There is no such thing
as a gray area!

You exploited me
without my knowledge.

You're being very judgmental
right now.

That's not very Korean of you.

You never believed in the jam.

Well, I'm gonna go sell it
without you.

And even if I fail, I'll go home
to Indiana penniless,

knowing that I did
the right thing.

I'm not paying you back
for the cameras.

That's fine. I've got
a couple other web sites going.

You're not the only girls
in the building.

I was just reading

a very critical letter
from my mother.

She's upset that I didn't go
to my Uncle pat's surgery.

Ow.

Sorry.

I have a lot of cats.

I can't believe Chloe secretly
filmed you making this stuff.

Me, neither.

What was the name
of that web site again?

You know, just so I can make
sure it's definitely shut down.

Eli. What are you doing here?

I'm a health inspector.
I'm here on official business.

Shut up, you perv.
You're not a health inspector.

June!

W-what the... what are you doing,
coming in hot like that?

Of course Mr. Weber is
a health inspector.

He cited us four times
in the last month.

We've remedied the problem,
by the way.

We've completely changed
our policy

regarding the 3-second rule,
so...

Ellen!

Leave it.

Actually, I'm here for the jam.

I'm afraid
I have to confiscate it.

I have personal knowledge

that it was made
under filthy, filthy conditions.

Eli, no! This...
this is my rent jam!

I spent every last dollar I had
making it.

If you take it away from me,
I will have absolutely nothing.

Sorry, June,
but I have to do my job.

No! No!

I'm not just your
sexually adventurous neighbor.

I'm also
a committed public servant.

Oh, and, Ellen?

I'm following you on Twitter.
You're hilarious.

See ya at home!

How am I supposed to pay rent

if June keeps sabotaging
all my ideas?

Hey, can we slow down, please?

These jeans were not designed
for motion.

Sorry.

Listen.
You just can't give up.

Remember my first venture
into fashion?

Meggings. Male leggings.

Nobody bought them
except for Andy Dick.

But did I give up? No.

See, you just need
to come up with a new idea.

You're creative.
You'll figure something out.

Yeah.

All right.

Luther said the billboard
is just around the corner.

You ready to see a 10-story high
version of my ass?

Yeah! You know it.

Ohh!

All right!

You don't see it?

See what?

Look a little to the left.

Oh, my God.

It's funny.

Genuinely funny.

I'm gonna send this.

To who?

Everyone!

Today I helped a man see
for the first time,

yet you're the one who gets
to go home to Chloe.

Going home to Chloe
is not so great.

You're crazy. I'd give my
left nut to have what you have.

Okay, I have to ask you,

why do you like Chloe so much?

She's mean to you,
she's deceitful...

pale, popular,
she has 4% body fat.

Chloe is everything
I wish I was.

I just feel like,

if I could have
one friend like her,

everything would be good.

Wow.

I'm so sorry.
I had no idea that...

yeah, you are sorry.

Okay. I was just trying
to be supportive.

Yeah? Tell it to your bra,
sag-bags. Mm.

Whatever. Call me names.
It doesn't matter anyway.

If I can't find money
to pay my rent,

I'm gonna have to move home.

Money? Ha.

That's the one problem
I don't have.

I'm in the nurses' union, June.

I'm getting paid
for having this conversation.

Ooh, wait.

I think we can work something out.
What are you talking about?

I'm willing to offer you money
for access to Chloe.

No. I can't. It's wrong.

More wrong than you getting
on a bus back to Indiana?

So did you get it taken down?

No, it turns out
it's harder than I thought.

But honestly, I-I think
we're more sensitive to it.

I don't think other people
have noticed.

Meatballs!

Meatballs! Yeah!

That's it. I'm calling Luther.
He shoulda seen this coming.

Ooh, conference me in.

I wanna tell him that he's
aging poorly for a black man.

Mm!

Hey.

June?

Oh!

Fat cabbie can run.

Pretty sure he had
a heart attack, though,

so I just got a free ride home.

There are no free rides.

Oh, right. I forgot.
You're probably gonna judge me.

I don't judge anymore.

I'm just sitting here,
eating expensive crab cakes.

What's the matter with you? Are
you still worried about rent?

Because I figured out a way
to make up my half.

Good.

We all do what we need to
in order to survive...

Things you didn't think
you were capable of.

Then you are.

This crab is good...

But it's not great.

Sweet!

Damn it, mulder.

Yeah.
You're off the case.

♪

Can you believe it?

My jeans are
flying off the shelves.

See, this is why
America's great.

It's all thanks
to that billboard.

The gays saw something
they liked,

started buying up my jeans.

Not to be outdone,
the hipsters jumped on board,

which made the Japanese
take notice.

The tastemaker trifecta.

Hansel here is all three.

He's my client zero.
Aren't you, buddy?

I have an ironic mustache.
Arigato. Hey!

What is up with me?
I just can't stop making money.

Meatballs!

Meatballs!

My play.

Okay, go to a party with Chloe...
that's $200.

Okay. There's one more thing
I'd like to do with her.

I'd like to make a toast to her
tonight in front of everyone.

Public toast. That'll be...
$400.

Yes! Deal.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I need to think of my speech.

I'll need a dry erase board,

a lantern,
and a goblet of some sort.

Hey!

Listen, you don't have to worry
about your half of the rent.

I figured out a way
to pay for both of us.

You're gonna pay my half, too?

Well, I was looking
at the bathroom cam footage

that we shot for the web site,

and I started to feel
really bad.

You put a camera
in the bathroom?!

Oh, no.

What is... what is going on here?

Is that a mole?

Oh, good. What was that?

Was it chocolate?

I don't know.

Oh, my God.

What is going on here?

But the point is, I felt bad
so I'm paying your rent.

You are?

Well, after what you did to me,
I don't really want your help.

Come on. I don't want you
to have to move home.

Please. You don't care.

I do. It turns out I don't hate
having you around.

Oh, God.

I am a terrible person

and a very bad Korean.

I am so sorry
for what I have done to you.

What are you talking about?

I sold you to Robin.

I made a lot of money

letting her do things with you
without you knowing.

She even agreed to pay me $400

to make a toast to you tonight
in front of everyone.

Huh.

Nice scam. I'm impressed.

No, what I did was wrong.

Is it?

I mean, I'm not mad,
and look how happy Robin is.

You're like

the Midwestern Mother Teresa
for pathetic people.

What's happening to me?

This is just like in the movies

when the good person makes
the bad person better,

only in reverse.

You're making me worse.

No way.
You're making me worse.

Because of you, I feel guilty

about things that I shouldn't
even care about...

the web site, Robin.

I even kinda feel bad
about the James thing.

What James thing?

Well, that was my plan
to pay our rent.

I loosened
the upstairs railings

so that I could trip
and accidentally fall

and then sue him for damages.

What? He's super rich.

Plus he's the one that said
I should get creative.

Hi.

I would like to make a toast.

Um, Webster's dictionary defines
the word "friend" as...

No!

Not finished!

Ow. Ow.

Oh, my God. Is she okay?
Ow. Ow. Ow.

I'm okay.

Were you gonna say something?
A toast?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, why, thank you. That's nice.

It defines the word "friend" as
one who is attached to another

by esteem, affection,
and loyalty.

Thank you.

Great toast, huh?
Cheers!

Cheers!

Are you sure you're okay?

Uh-huh. Did we say $400?

Oh, it's okay.
It's... on the house.

Awesome.

That was really nice of us.

Maybe we're making each other
better.

Mm!

Well, you know what they say.

When the harvest comes
and the birds have flown,

that will be the time.

Read the damn play!

I'm gonna get up.
I'm just resting.

Ahh.

Slow jam.

Nana, you're there
so they can take care of you.

I'm sure they'll give you bacon
if you ask.

Put the nurse on the phone.

Do not give her bacon.
Put her back on.

Did you see "Castle" last night?

I know! It is getting better.