Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 (2012–2013): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Wedding... - full transcript

If you told 12-year-old me that one day
I'd be at a fancy New York wedding,

making out with James Van Der Beek,
while Kevin Sorbo watched,

I'd have to say you were nuts,

but nothing surprises me
anymore...

Ohh!

You bitch!

(Loud slap) (Gasps) Ohh!

Not since I met Chloe,
the best roommate in the world.

(Woman) ♪ I'm not perfect,
I'm no snitch ♪

♪ but I can tell you ♪

(Whispers) ♪ she's a... ♪
(Buzzer)



♪ Ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba ♪

♪ ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba ♪

(Both laughing)

That was the worst vodka launch
we've been to yet.

(Switches click)
(Grunts) I'll say.

What she's having?
I don't even get it.

It's so that when you order
at the bar, you can say,

"I'll have
what she's having."

That makes me very angry.

(Laughs)

Oh, what are you doing?

- Food.
- Eating your lunch for tomorrow.

I love that you're not
afraid of cheese.

Okay. I have to wake up
super early tomorrow.



I have to drop off resumes in the financial
district and... (Keyboard keys click)

It's on here! It's on here!
(Gasps)

(Squeals)

(Gasps) "James Van Der Beek,

"newest cast member
of 'dancing with the stars, '

"leaving club
with dark-haired beauty

and self-proclaimed
California raisin heiress."

(Laughing) (Squeals)

The legend grows!

Hey, should we show her
our routine?

Ready?

We made it up in the cab!

Look, we're zombies.

I used to have a poster of you.

(Horn honks in distance)

♪ Ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba ♪

Oh. Hey, Robin.
I'm bringing Chloe the mail

as yet another example
of the many wonderful things

I would do if I were
her roommate again.

Mm.

I'm not weak. You're weak.

No.

(Sighs)

(Door closes)

(Horn honks in distance)

Oh, don't bother.
I already ate all the pills

from underneath the couch.

(Refrigerator door opens) (Eli)
She's been like that all day.

Normally I like
a motionless woman on the floor,

but I'm getting
a sad hit off this one.

It's
Crissy and Robert's wedding.

Steven and I were supposed
to go as a couple.

We got the "save the date,"
like, a year ago,

before I knew he was
diddling nurse Nicole.

Ohh. Just think, by the time
we go to this wedding,

we'll be living in New York
and we'll already be married.

Hey, Dr. Steven.
Oh.

I have the file you asked for.

Thank you, Nicole.

Will you be at the gym later?

I have a new sports bra.
(Chuckles)

You know I like to exercise.
(Chuckles)

I can't believe how stupid I was.
(Tambourine jangling)

(Sighs) When we broke up,
Steven and I divvied up

all the commitments we had
as a couple,

and I got this wedding,
but... (Sighs)

There's no way I can go.

Why not?

Because I haven't seen
any of our friends

since we broke up,

and I'm too ashamed
to face them,

and can you stop with the
tambourine, please?! (Jangles)

Oh, is my tambo bothering you?
Sorry. Just practicing.

My band got a gig.

Okay, if you're gonna let
one stupid setback

knock you off
your easy spirits,

you might as well just move
home to Indiana.

These shoes are, like,
the best thing

going on in my life right now.

You need
to learn some confidence.

This is New York.
It's not what you do.

It's how you do it.

(Muttering)

Don't write that down.

(Chloe)
June, I'm gonna take you out

and teach you how to be badass.

If you have the right attitude,

you can do anything
and go anywhere.

Now walk up
to the front of the line

like you have George Clooney
between your legs.

What?
If you're nailing

that salt-and-pepper bastard,
that means you've made it.

Cover's 20 bucks.

Okay.

To get
the bartender's attention,

imagine you're getting
a drink for George Clooney.

(Mouths words) Too eager.

Too "ordering potato skins
at Nifty O'Shannigans."

There you go.
Now you're getting it.

♪

And when you're
on the dance floor,

pretend you're getting up
on Jamie Foxx

just enough to make
Clooney jealous.

(Whispers) Okay.

(Man)
♪ got me in a trance now ♪

Hold your gaze.

Now switch.

♪ Much longer ♪

Now switch.

Switch.

Switch. Switch! Switch!

Switch! Mm! Nice.

♪ You look good ♪

♪

Wow.

Impressive.

Whatever.
Oh, I like it...

not accepting the compliment,

feigning casualness like
you don't care.

Mm. I don't care, douche.

Okay, that's enough.

I'm sorry. I'm just so full
of adrenaline,

I feel like I could lift
a car right now.

(Chuckles and sighs)

J.V.D.B.,
what do you think?

I'm choosing
a look for my band's gig.

Does this shirt say that
I really bring the funk?

Mm... yes.

(Door opens) June's home.

(Door closes) Using the
third person already, huh?

James likes it.
(Refrigerator door opens)

Today was an incredible day.

I got a lead on a job
at a brokerage firm,

a gay man asked me to be
in his shampoo commercial,

and a street vendor gave me
this hot dog...

(Keys jangle)

For free.

I exude confidence now,

and the world can just
sense it.

Chloe is a genius.
I-I need to thank her.

Yeah, well, I don't know
where she is.

I've been waiting for her
for, like, an hour.

(Computer chimes)

That was my mom,
and I didn't answer it.

I've never done that before.
And you know what?

If she gets upset with me

and doesn't send me cookies
this week,

so be it.

My mother invented lunchables.

Didn't get any credit
for it, though.

(Sighs)
Trusted the wrong people.

(Horn honks,
indistinct conversations)

(Lock clicks)

(Laughs)

Hey, June!
(Switch clicks)

I know you hate
when I come home drunk and fun

and eat tomorrow's lunch.

(Keys jangle) You're in a rut

with the tuna, by the way.

(Gasps) I'm home before her?

That little hooker.

(June laughing)
(James speaks indistinctly)

(Lock clicks)

"I'm hotka vodka!"

Oh! Hey! There she is.
(Door closes)

The sexy pirate! Eyeliner!

(Laughing)

What's going on?

I took her to the vodka launch.

They gave me a magnet!

You took her
to the vodka launch?

Take a picture of me
and the magnet.

I go to those things with you...
(Camera shutter clicks)

And come back like that.
That's our thing. (Click)

Well, I waited for you,
but you never showed.

Oh, man. It's too bad, too.
They had tons of drugs

and a baked potato bar...

(Chuckles) And then Macaulay
Culkin got... (Grunts)

His face painted like a tiger.

(Laughs) It was awesome.

Well, June's dead.

I hope you're happy.
(Snoring)

(Door closes)

{Pub}(Snoring)

(Snorts)

(Grunts)

Morning.

I'd offer you breakfast,
but you didn't make any.

Ohh. What a night!

Ohh. James and I had
so much fun.

Mm.
We talked about camping

and growing up and s'mores.

Oh, so amish things.

(Sighs) Oh.
I'm sure I'm late for work.

All right. I'll fill you in
on the rest tonight. (Panting)

What? Tonight?

(Camera shutters clicking) (Man) Are you
excited about "dancing with the stars"?

(Man) Hey, how do you feel about...
(Speaks indistinctly) (Chuckles)

(Man) Face me, James!
(Woman) Think you're the favorite

to win "dancing with the stars"?
Hey, can we get

a security guard
to stand guard over this guy?

I don't want any holes cut
in his mouth.

Oh, my gosh!

Look at the size
of those shrimp!

That's amazing!

All right. Thank you.

Can you believe how much press
showed up for me?

Even the BBC's here.
Of course, they've loved me

ever since I did
that Guy Ritchie movie.

(Cockney accent) I told
chalky and puff puff and them

down at pub
about me trouble and strife,

and then she come in
all hungry-like,

make me go down to chip shop,
put me Magnum in his mouth,

and right spray his brains.

♪

Hold these.

(Plates clatter) I'll get more.

Ugh. I can't believe
you invited her.

(Chuckles) What?

She's fun, and her coloring
makes my eyes pop.

(Sighs) I thought it was just
gonna be us tonight.

Bringing somebody else in...
it messes up our dynamic.

Sure, I took her out once,

but that was just
a one-off, a pity lay.

It wasn't supposed to be,
like, a full-time thing.

Hello. I'm here today to introduce
myself to you... (Woman) Whoo!

Not as an actor,
humanitarian, or author,

but as a dancer...

(Camera shutters clicking)

So this is just
a silly little dance

that a friend and I like
to do just for fun.

(Squeals)

(Cheers and applause)

♪

What the hell?

♪

(Rips)

♪

When did you rehearse this?

We didn't. (Chuckles)

♪

(Banging on door)

Knocking on the door
like you're the police!

I am so sorry. I tried
to shut down the Internet,

but it's bigger than me.

Oh, my God.
Mm.

I was in that photo.
(Whispers) I know.

They photoshopped me out!

I would never let anyone cut you
out of a photo with me.

In fact, segue...

(Clicks keys)
Let me show you some photos

I cut you into.

Here is
the whitewater rafting trip

we took last year.
(Click)

This is us in Belize.

You're wearing a puka
shell neck... morning.

Anyone want a bagel?

Don't eat that.

Eat the brioche French toast
with apple butter...

(Refrigerator door opens)
I'm gonna make you.

Ugh! I have to go.
That takes time.

Or...
(Door closes)

We could have
one of... These!

I am so excited!

My picture's never been
on the Internet before!

(Closes refrigerator door) Every
time you search "June Colbern,"

it's this woman in Portland
who drowned her kids.

Chloe, thank you so much.
(Paper bag rustles)

You gave me the confidence to go
to the wedding today.

That's right.
I decided to go,

and James is going to be
my plus-one.

But we're going to Derek Jeter's
barbecue later today.

I was gonna convince him
to leave his girlfriend

for, like, 20 minutes.

Look, Chloe,
you can't ask me to miss out

on a wedding
with midwesterners.

It's where
my star shines brightest.

It's like my academy awards.

No. You guys are done
hanging out.

No more pictures,
no more bagels,

and definitely no weddings.
(Clatters)

Oh, my God.
She's jealous of us.

She's jealous that
you and I are friends.

How dare you talk about me
like I'm not here?!

Okay, this is
the most un-fun threesome

I've ever been a part of.

Nobody's having sex,
and someone's yelling.

I'm outta here.

(Door opens)
James and I are going

to this wedding...
(Door closes)

And I will not be intimidated.

This confidence that
you're exhibiting is mine.

I gave it to you,
and I'm taking it back.

You can't.
It's in my body now.

I'm New York June.

"Jam on
your Blueberry Bel, June?"

"No, thanks.

"I'll have
an everything bagel...

With schmear."

Be whiter when you say that!

(Horns honking in distance)

(Laughs) So we went
to this club. So cool.

Men and women pee
in the same bathroom.

(Crowd murmurs) (Laughs)

So I'm doing really well here.

(Panting) No freakin' way.

James Van Der Beek is
at my wedding. Excuse me.

Congratulations, crissy.

Shut up. Dawson just kissed
my hand. (Chuckling)

Obviously, my wife is
super excited that you're here.

(Chuckles)
Um, you're her freebie.

Ah.

The freebie. Yes.

The one exception
to the marriage vow.

(Chuckles) Yeah.
The greatest responsibility

that comes with being
a celebrity.

(Chuckles) Uh, my
freebie is Peri Gilpin.

Uh, you know, uh, Roz
from "Frasier."

She's so dry.
(Breathes heavily)

(Crissy) Ha ha!

(Crissy and Robert chuckle)

♪

Ooh! Bar.
Don't mind if I do.

♪

(Amplified voice) Thank you.
We are may/december!

Eli, what are you doing here?

This is my gig.
What do you think?

It's great. You're actually
kind of a normal person

outside of your apartment.

I'm layered, June,
like an onion,

a sexy, sexy onion.

(Tambourine jangles) Do you
like the word "bulbous"?

(Bass and drum playing)

What are you doing here,

and why are you here
with Kevin Sorbo?

I only arrive at events
with celebrities.

I like to make an entrance,
and since you took

the one I usually use,
Hercules stepped in.

When do I give my speech?

Um, after dinner.

What speech?

Oh, I'm the keynote speaker
at this benefit.

Chloe set it up
through my publicist.

You see, I'm really involved
in the fight against M.S.

Uh, here. It's my aunt Bonnie.

I'll be sharing her story
with you later tonight.

Okay.

"A," you were not invited
to this wedding,

"B," you totally conned
Kevin Sorbo,

and "C," I have a life
that happens to include

a friendship with James.

What are you smiling at?

(Steven) June?

(Door closes)

{Pub}What are you doing here?

I-I called this morning
to give you the heads-up.

Didn't Chloe tell you?

(Rings and beeps)

Hello?

Chloe, it's Steven.

June's ex-fiance.

You and I had sex
on her birthday cake.

It was chocolate.
Oh, hey. What's up?

Well, is June there? No, she's in the
shower getting ready for the wedding.

So annoying.

I know June got the wedding
after the breakup,

but, uh, I'm in New York,
and I decided to go,

so could you let her know?

I could.

I said, "I could."
I didn't say I would.

Semantics. Go.

(Indistinct conversations)

I'm so glad you decided
to come, Steven.

You look great.

So you're okay with me
being here? (Chuckles)

You're not gonna freak out?

(Laughs) Oh, Steven.

When did you get so funny?
(Chuckles)

What? No, it's not funny.
It's hurtful.

Speaking of,
Steven, how is your penis

since the last time I saw it?

(Chuckles) Chloe, I'm sure
you don't remember.

You've seen, like,
300 since then.

You want to get a drink?

Oh, my second one
of the day, you mean?

Sure.

So... (Sighs) I'm having trouble
finding the I.T. guy.

I mean, you got
the powerpoint presentation

I e-mailed you, right?
Because I need to sync

my slides to music.
(Exhales deeply)

Yeah, don't worry.
It's all taken care of.

(Chuckles) Good.

(Exhales deeply)

So, um, how did
this disease affect you?

I... have...

(Laughs) You remember the time

when I wanted
to go skinny-dipping

and you said no
'cause of your thing

with community swimming?
(Chuckles) Ohh.

I was obsessed
with accidentally swallowing

fecal molecules.

Ohh. (Chuckles)

Ohh. I don't even know
that girl anymore. (Chuckles)

(Chuckles) You do seem
really different.

Yeah, I have
a transvestite friend now.

Her name is Tim.

(Chuckles)
Well, I'd better get back

to my date, James Van Der Beek.

I'll see you later.

Uh, hey, June?

Sorry. Um...

Does this mean
we can be friends?

Yeah.

Yeah, we can be friends.

(Both moaning and panting)

Ohh!

God, this is so hot.
Ohh.

Mm. Mm. Ohh.
Old June never would have done this.

New June isn't even
wearing a bra,

just those weird cups
that stick on with tape.

Oh, God!
(Chuckles)

Mm. Mm! Ohh.

(Whispers) It's even hotter
because my girlfriend's here.

What? Yeah.
Oh, we've been exclusive

for, like, three months
and... (Chuckles)

You're disgusting.

(Whispers)
I know. So are you.

No.
(Grunts)

What? I thought, uh, you were
a new person now, huh?

(Chuckles) No. New June is cool
drinking wine during the day.

She's not okay
with you cheating.

That's why we broke up.

No, we broke up
because you're boring.

What?

It feels so good
to say that. (Laughs)

You're boring.
That's why I cheated.

I did it to feel alive.

All right. Well... (Sighs)

Take care of yourself.
(Chuckles)

(May/december)
♪ stay with me, stay ♪

(Door opens)

♪ I need you to love me ♪

♪ I need you today ♪

♪ give to me your leather ♪

♪ take from me my lace ♪

♪ take from me ♪

♪ my lace ♪

(Cheers and applause)

(Glass clatters)

(Indistinct conversations)

What do you think of Candice?
Amazing, right?

Do you know she's been
sexually active for 68 years?

What's wrong?

Are you jealous because James
is hanging out with June?

What? No. Why does everyone
keep asking me that?

Shh. Hey. Hey, clo.
It's me. It's your pal Eli.

Come on, lady.

I hate the new June, all right?

She has to be in the spotlight

and go places with a celebrity.

It's like everything has
to be about her.

When everything should be
all about you.

Exactly. Thank you.

Not being the center
of attention makes you feel

like you're not special,
but, hey, it's okay, c-bear.

Everybody feels insecure
sometimes.

Okay, I just realized that
this is a wedding,

so I'm gonna stay and eat
the salmon,

because aunt Bonnie can't,

and then I'm leaving to fire
my publicist.

By the way,
your blonde friend is having

a meltdown in the coatroom.

(Gasps)

What's the matter, June?

Not as confident
as you thought you were?

(Voice breaking)
He said he broke up with me

'cause I was boring.

(Inhales deeply)
He called you "boring"?

Dude, that's, like,
the worst thing

you can say to someone.

He's right. He knows me
better than anyone.

He saw right through me.
(Sniffles)

Inside, I'm still the girl who's
afraid to go skinny-dipping.

Oh, skinny-dipping?
Are people going?

See? (Sighs)
I'm not confident like you.

New York June was all an act.
(Sniffles and sighs)

I'm just an insecure mess
who's right back on the floor

where she started.
(Inhales deeply and sighs)

Here. This is ugly.

Okay, first of all...

(Blows nose loudly) If anyone's
gonna be calling you names,

it's gonna be me.

Second, just because
some cheating loser

with a cheap suit
said something

doesn't make it true.

Everyone feels
a little insecure sometimes.

(Hangers swoosh)

I feel insecure sometimes.

I mean... (Chuckles) I'm going
on "dancing with the stars."

I'm asking America to pick up
a phone and judge me.

One digit will separate me
from Al Roker.

I mean, what if
no one votes for me?

What if I'm too pretty?

(Hangers swoosh) My husband and
I will vote for you, James.

Oh. Thank you, crissy.

Yeah.

I can't believe
I made out with him

after everything that he did.

That wasn't me being
cool and awesome.

That was me being weak.

June, you were in love with him
for, like, 30 years.

You're not weak.

You have a deceptive strength,

and you have something
you never had in Indiana... me.

So come on. Let's go show Steven
how fabulous you are.

James, it's time to act.

(Sighs)

(Imitating Mel Gibson)
"What do you want to hear, huh?

"Do you want to hear
that sometimes

"I feel like eating
a bullet, huh?

'Cause I do."

That's from "lethal weapon."
It's part of his process.

Oh.

(Exhales deeply)

♪

You're feelin' it, Candice.
Your spine looks so straight.

♪

(Music stops)

(Amplified voice)
Uh, I-I hope you're all enjoying

what is obviously a wedding.

Uh, crissy and Robert,
you won't always be healthy.

It all started
when my aunt Bonnie, well,

she said she could no longer
hold onto a cup of tea,

and we thought nothing
of it at the time.

You monster! Yeah, I'm talking
to you, home perm!

I got a bone to pick with you.

How dare you make out
with my June

and then call her
"boring," huh?

She is the sexiest,
most un-boring woman

I have ever
had the pleasure of bedding.

(Guests murmuring)

(Gasps)

(Women) Ohh.

(Man wolf-whistles)

Ohh!

You bitch!

(Guests) Ohh!
Since you moved here from Indiana,

men have just fallen
at your feet,

but not this time.
Not my James!

That's right.

(Guests murmuring)

Don't forget to vote for me
on "dancing with the stars."

(Cheering)

(Raised voice)
Listen, I can't help it

if James and this city
find me irresistible.

There are consequences, June!

(Guests gasp)

(Voice breaks) What about him?
What about baby Deshawn?

(Lowered voice)
No, that's Crissy's nephew,

and his neck is not yet formed.

Oh. This party's beat.
Let's bounce.

(Guests murmuring)

(Amplified voice)
My aunt Bonnie bounced

between doctors,
nutritionists, healers,

and none of 'em could
diagnose...

(panting)
(Microphone feedback whines)

(Amplified voice)
This one's for you, Steven.

♪ I want you to know ♪

♪ that I'm happy for you ♪

Nope. Nope.
♪ I... ♪

(Feedback whines) No.

Find another way
to express that.

(Door closes)

{Pub}So Sorbo, huh? (Sighs)
(Tv playing indistinctly)

Did you guys do zombie arms?

I'm gonna say no,
but we both know it's a lie.

(Clicks)

Oh, my gosh!
James, there you are.

(Gasps)

"Bit o' bovva."

Oh, yeah.
What's that?

Oh, that's that Guy Ritchie
movie he's in. Yeah.

(Cockney accent) Tell Rosie,
that filthy scrubba,

her fish-and-chips were
the best. (Chuckles)

I'm murdered. (Coughs)
What a bit o' bovva.

♪

I ad-libbed that line,

and they made it
the title of the movie.

(Chloe and June) Oh.
Yeah.