Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 (2012–2013): Season 1, Episode 3 - Parent Trap... - full transcript

(June) I've always been someone
Who can wear a lot of different hats,

Like here in apartment 23.
(beeps)

Sometimes I need to be
a mixologist...

Sometimes I need to be
a teacher...

And sometimes I need to be
the bearer of bad news.

What up? (sighs)

I'm sorry to have to tell
you this, but...

You decided to get a pixie cut?

What? No.

Oh, thank God.
My heart is still racing.

Feel that? That's fear.



Well, what I was gonna tell you was...
(bottles clink, cabinet closes)

Your plant died.

What plant? I hate plants.
I don't have no plant.

Sure you do. You got one
about a month ago.

I'm all about the environment.
I fancy myself a tree hugger.

Oh, right. Ethan. He was my
emergency contact for a month.

Well, I don't know how it died.
I watered it all the time.

With water from your goldfish's bowl?

What goldfish? I hate goldfish.
I don't have no goldfish.

(clinks)
Ooh!

(chuckles) I'm all about the goldfish.
Wanna have sex?

Weird fair. A lot of weird booths
at that weird fair.

(sighs)

Well, remind me never
to trust you



With taking care of anything
of mine, Chloe. (chuckles)

Oh. What's that?

Mm. "Chloe, thanks for looking
after my great-uncle in apartment 14."

"He needs his daily shot
of insulin."

(siren wails in distance,
police radio chatter)

(Katie Hampton) ♪ I'm not
perfect, I'm no snitch ♪

♪ but I can tell you ♪
(whispers) ♪ she's a... ♪

(buzzer)
♪ ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba ♪

And we analyze companies'
viabilities for inclusion

in long-and short-term
mutual funds.

Ms. Berman, if you give me
this opportunity,

I will show you how committed I am
To Berman, Marks and Mathers.

Even though this is
an unpaid internship,

It requires 7 days a week,
24 hours a day.

- Okay.
- When I sleep, which is rare,

I do so standing up,
like a cow.

My time is yours.
I'm single.

I don't have any pets,
and my only hobby is

The seasonal raising
of window box pansies.

- Stop it.
- I will.

Excellent.

You will also be required
to do a few personal things for me...

Pick up my dry cleaning,
meet with my contractor.

How are you at giving haircuts?

Great. I'm great at it.

You start tomorrow.

- Burma.
- Nice.

- Uzbekistan.
- Awesome.

- Sweden.
- Great.

Not a country.
That's a crab.

Good for you!
(chuckles)

You're so smart!
(door opens)

I got the internship!
(chuckles)

If I nail this,
I'll be back in the game.

Of course, it's unpaid,

So there's that and working
at the coffee shop,

But it's okay,
'cause I'm a great multitasker.

What... what... is that smoke?

Oh, yeah. There's a small
grease fire in the oven.

What?! What? God!

You have to smother the flames!

Oh, my gosh!
The whole place...

(coughing)
could have burned down!

Well, I was gonna make a pizza,
and then I passed out,

And when I woke up, I was like,
"I don't make pizzas."

(laughs) She doesn't.

Chloe, you have to learn
to be more responsible.

Do you not see a pattern here?

You see something
that you want,

And then you abandon it
because you get bored

or because you're too selfish
to care about anyone else!

June, I'm interested
in what you're saying.

Write it down and put it in
the basket next to the toilet.

I'll get to it as soon
as my busy season's over.

"Busy season."
You don't even have a job.

In the span of 3 days,
I make 70% of my annual income.

When the U.N. holds
its general assembly,

I am the nightlife guide
for dignitaries.

I know just enough
of every language to drink

and dance with powerful men
from all over the world.

It's a ton of work,
and, frankly...

Me encuentra un peu
bukan zhongfu.

Huh?

That means
"I'm feeling overwhelmed"

In spanish, french,
and mandarin.

I really wanted to wing
some tagalog at you,

But I don't know
the pluperfect.

Mm.
(horn honks)

(indistinct conversations)

Oh, hey.
You got the internship?

That's great.
I know you really wanted it.

Yeah, I'm really excited,
but it's gonna be a lot of work.

- I think Pepper's stealing coffee.
- What?

It's, uh... hi.
Pepper, hi. (chuckles)

Wednesday. Hump day.
It's hump day, dump day!

(chuckles)
(chuckles)

(dishes and utensils clinking)
(sighs, lowered voice)

I can't fire her because we have
a strict corporate dismissal policy,

And she's extremely litigious.

(lowered voice)
Oh, that's right.

She uses the word "allegedly"
far too often.

Um, someone allegedly ordered
a pumpkin spice, no whip.

I've installed security cameras
to catch her in the act,

So since I can't trust her,

I'm gonna need you to take on
more responsibility...

Morning muffin deliveries,
closing at night.

- Do you think you can handle that?
- Absolutely. (chuckles)

The more I have to do,
the better I get things done.

In high school,
I maintained a 4.0 G.P.A.

While writing a musical.
It was called "Kick it up!"

It was about
an all-girls kickball...

So angry at her,
I kinda don't care.

Ohh. Sorry I'm late.
Things have been so crazy.

The general assembly
convenes tomorrow,

So I had to rent a monkey.

Italians love it
when I bring a monkey.

Italians.

Hmm. I said yes to a movie.

It's called "In papa's arms."
it's gonna be amazing.

It stars the one and only
Kiernan Shipka.

What are those words?

The little blonde girl
from "Mad men."

She's the one actor
I've been dying to work with.

She's got this quiet intensity.

She's like a... like a small,
blonde Daniel Day-Lewis.

- Is the script any good?
- No idea.

I just said "yes" the minute
I heard Kiernan was on board.

Luther's reading it right now.
He'll tell me what he thinks.

- You can have Luther do that?
- Of course.

Luther reads all
my scripts for me.

"She slams the door behind her,

Causing Alex to get his hand
stuck in the fondue pot."

(chuckling)
"Alex... 'a little help here?'"

"fondue pot." I mean...
"Check, please!"

This is quality television.

You can have Luther read
you stories?

Yeah. He's my assistant.
He does whatever I need him to do...

Eat questionable sushi,

tickle my forearm
while we're watching TV,

carry me over puddles.

(girl) uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Okay. Thank you. All set.

You have drinks with the foreign
minister of Panama at 9:00.

Then dancing and dessert with the
ambassador to Myanmar at 10:00.

Fine. Now we just need to find
an outfit that works for both events.

Panama likes it slutty, but Myanmar
likes to keep it classy.

What... what's going on?
(gasps)

oh, June. Great news.
(thuds)

I thought about what you said,

About needing to be
more responsible, so...

I got an assistant.

What?
H-how can you afford that?

Oh, it's free.
I got a foster child.

Molly, F.Y.I.,
we have a no flip-flop policy,

So I'm gonna need to see you
in a closed-toe shoe.

Thank you.

(whispers) it's amazing!
(door closes)

(whispering) What the hell?
(slurps) You got a foster child?!

Yep.

I needed some assistant work
during my busy season.

I figured, why not a kid
that needs a home?

Now I know why people like
kids so much. They're handy.

But you'll see.
You'll see when you have one.

How did you do this?

I know, right? Usually you
have to be on the list

for, like, a year, but luckily,

my friend special K.
works in child services,

so she hooked me up.

You know, I don't tell her enough,
but she's a great gal.

Molly, let's send her
a cookie bouquet.

How about
a smoked sable platter?

Outside the box.
I like it. Let's do it.

Okay.

Chloe, this is insane.

This is beyond irresponsible.

You can't keep her.

You want to throw molly back
out on the streets,

back to her junkie mother,

instead of taking her in
and loving her

until she goes on to play
college football for ole miss?

That is the premise
of "The blind side."

This is my responsibility.

You won't even notice
that she's here...

(lowered voice) Although she
does play the french horn.

(chuckles)
Okay. You know what?

It's fine. I don't care.
You do what you want to do.

I have my own stuff
to deal with, so...

I've got it under control.
Now if you'll excuse me,

I have a very busy 72 hours
coming up.

Okay.

Molly.
Kimono.

Burka.

Sombrero.

Hello, Joyce.
I picked up your dry cleaning,

I got your coffee, and I marked
our quarterly report,

and it's ready for review
and signature.

Walk with me.

Uh, yes.

(whirring)

I'm impressed with you, June.
(keypad beeps)

I'm usually the last one
to leave the office,

but I was in here late last night
and saw you working.

Didn't you hear me as I passed?

I was wearing my sweater
with the little bells on it.

No, I didn't.

I thought so.
You didn't say bye.

My point is, I'm impressed with
the dedication you're showing.

I want you to help out
with the toy-con account.

It's a lot to slog through.

Think you can handle it?
Absolutely. (chuckles)

I am a great multitasker.

(chuckles) Juggling is not
just a fun pastime

That destroyed my wrists.
It is a way of life.

Great. Oh, and by the way,

lot of compliments.
- Oh. (chuckles)

(beeping)

"...Giving a new meaning
to the term 'daddy's girl.'

Fade out." (exhales deeply)
"The end."

Wow. It's the one version
of body swap movie

that's never been attempted
before...

Father and daughter.
(sighs)

But can I pull it off?

I mean, I've never been
a 12-year-old girl before.

I've had tons
of 12-year-old girl fans,

countless stalkers, thousands of
dreams where I was one,

But I don't know
if I could become one.

You just need to prepare.

Like with any role, you have
to be around a preteen girl,

Get inside her head,

And who better to teach you

than La Shipka herself?

Luther, clear my schedule.

We need to make
cinematic history!

Sir, it has been clear
for weeks.

(horns honk)

(sighs) ohh.

(door closes)

What's going on?
Where's Chloe?

May I tell her who's asking?

- It's June.
- June...

- Got it.
- Uh, she's in Seattle.

The argentinean diplomat
is a fan of "Grey's Anatomy."

Wait. What? She just
left you here like that?

Unbelievable.

Oh. I'll get her for you.

(beeps)
Hi. I've... I've got June.

(lowered voice)
I'm putting her through.

(cell phone rings)

(beeps)

Chloe.

Hi. Who knew Seattle was
so rainy? Brr.

What the hell are you doing?!

Um, working.
My busy season?

You can't just take off
to Seattle.

You have a child.
You have responsibilities.

Um, that's why I have a child,

Because I have
responsibilities.

- Molly, are you there?
- I'm here, Chloe.

Can you extend my trip
for a day?

I just need some time
to myself.

Okay, do you want to be
On the same flight back,

just one day later, or...

Figure it out, Molly. Bye.
(beeps)

(sighs) ohh.
(beeps)

This is the last thing
that I need to deal with.

I have to go
through the toy-con account,

and mark wants me to look over
security camera footage

of Pepper weighing the beans.

Have you eaten yet?

Great. I'll just do it.

Mm. This is so like Chloe,

leaving you here eating
chocolate for dinner.

Sorry. I shouldn't disparage
your guardian in front of you.

Relax. I left my last home
when "20/20" broke down the door

To do an expose.

This is like a slumber party.

I am so sorry.
I think I saw that episode.

(door opens)

Ah. (sighs) I'm home.

Oh, Molly,
did you intend to book me

at a hotel with
the scratchiest towels

in Seattle, or was
that a coincidence?

I-I'm sorry. (chuckles)

Hey, you're home!

(lowered voice) This is exactly
what I didn't want to happen!

What, you not knowing how
to apply eyeliner?

No. You abandoning Molly.

This is just like
your goldfish or your plant.

As if I didn't have enough to do,
you leave me with your kid.

Wow, June. Unbelievable.

I love how, when you're upset,
she's my kid.

She's your kid, too, you know?

What?

Oh. I said
we were lesbian co-parents.

Come on, June, you moved in
the first day we met.

I bagged me quite the trophy.

Oh!

Of course I had to say we were
lesbian lover co-parents.

They never would have given
a kid to a single mom

who doesn't have
an "official job."

How did you make me
a co-parent with me knowing?!

Don't you remember
When that social worker

came by the house to see
if we were fit parents?

You mean that woman
that came to interview us

for that apartment blog?

And over here is our bookshelf
made of reclaimed wood...

Ah.

And this over here is
our reading nook.

(chuckles)

We're in between cats
at the moment.

That's why there's no fur.
Mm.

So that paper that I signed
was not a photo release?

That was you getting
a foster kid.

That was the moment
you got a kid.

- Anyway, it's a moot point.
- What do you mean?

Well, now that
my busy season's over,

I don't need the extra help.

Plus, she wasn't
a great assistant.

I mean, every day
between 9:00 and 3:00,

I could not get ahold of her.

Ohh. She was at school.
You cannot fire your daughter.

Lord knows this is not
the best time for me

With my job and my internship,

But we have
a responsibility to Molly...

Hi. We were just talking.

We're not fighting.

Is... is everything okay?
Do you need anything?

I-I need someone
to make me a costume.

I'm playing the dragon
in "Flower drum song."

(inhales deeply)
oh, I would love to,

but I'm actually making
a dragon costume

For somebody else.
They just asked, so...

(sighs)
(chuckles)

(horns honk in distance)

(whispers) what time is it?

Oh.

(lowered voice)
uh, joyce. (chuckles)

- What?
- Um... (chuckles)

I-I was wondering if, uh...
I can't hear you.

Um, uh, I-I hate to...
I hate to do this,

but I-I actually...
- Can you hear her?

No, joyce.

You see?
She can't hear you either.

Neither michelle nor I
can hear you.

(normal voice)
I hate to do this,

But I have something
I need to go do at 4:00.

My daughter's in a play.

Daughter? You never mentioned
you had a kid.

Okay. Uh, well, my roommate
unwittingly signed me up

for a foster child,
and she has a play,

and I don't want her to look out
and see an empty chair.

Your roommate unwittingly signed
you up for a foster child,

And she has a play,
and you don't want her

To just look out there and see
an empty chair?

June, June, June, June, June,

June, June, June, June.

June.

(doorbell rings)

Kiernan, hey. Come on in.

Thank you so much for coming.

Can I get you something
to drink?

I don't really have
any kid drinks,

But, uh, I-I could just
give you some coffee.

You could sip it
through a straw.

Sure. Thanks.

I heard, uh, Jon Hamm's
really good at basketball.

Is that true?
Is January Jones a robot?

Can I have your boots?

Chloe, Kiernan is here
so that we can work.

Fine. Guess I'll just read
a script or something.

"Check, please!"

That sounds fun.

All right. Have a seat.

So my agent called and said you
wanted to hang out and study me?

Yeah. Yeah, since we're,
uh, you know,

We're swapping bodies
in the movie,

I just figured,
uh, I should, you know,

kinda get inside your head
and, you know,

See where you're coming from,
get my tween on.

- Don't say that.
- No?

Well, I-I heard it a lot
at the Kids' Choice Awards.

I got slimed in '04.

(chuckles)
That's so long ago.

Guys, listen to this.

Alex and jane are really nervous
because the food critic

is coming to their restaurant
on opening night.

Then Javier accidentally
deep-fries a pair of glasses,

And they say, "Javier, you need
to be more responsible."

That's exactly
what June said to me!

I'm Javier,
and Molly is the glasses!

Don't mind Chloe.
She's totes cray-cray.

Don't say that either.

When June said it, I thought it was
the dumbest thing I'd ever heard,

but somehow, reading it
In this television script

by... These three jews,
It suddenly hit home.

Sometimes, things don't click

Until Hollywood really
spells them out for you.

- Ahem.
- Ahem.

- Stop it.
- Stop it.

- No, seriously.
- No, seriously.

(sighs)
(sighs)

(indistinct conversations,
espresso machine gurgles)

Okay. Vanilla latte.
That'll be $3.50.

Miss, please don't pour
your coffee into the trash hole.

I asked "room for cream?"
for this very reason.

Pepper, can I have a little help
up here? I'm swamped.

No! (chuckles)

Pepper is not handling cash
or coffee anymore, June.

You know that.

So is your daughter gonna
be here all day?

Because there's kind
of a policy... (sighs)

against employees bringing
kids to work.

(sighs) I'm so sorry. I just...
I couldn't find a sitter.

Hey, Robin. Can you please
babysit for me?

No. Busy.

Don't worry. She won't get
in the way. (mouths words)

Can you take off
parental controls?

- No.
- Can I buy "tiny wings"?

No.
(bells jingling)

- June.
- Oh! Look who's here.

(door closes)

First you flaked
on molly's play,

and then I ask you
to take her to jazz class,

and you said you would,
and you did not.

Look, I thought about
what you said,

and I don't just exist
in a vacuum,

And I really need to take
responsibility for my own actions.

Well, I... th...
I mean, that... that's great.

I'm... I'm really glad
that you feel that way.

Okay, so molly needs
new kneepads

for her floor routine,
so I'm gonna need,

Um, I'm gonna need a check
for half of that.

No. I can't do it.
I don't want to.

You! You! You have not
changed at all.

It's one thing to realize that
you're a parent philosophically,

But it's another thing
to be a parent.

You need to commit to this.
You are either in

or you are out, Chloe.

Oh. Then I am out. I didn't
realize I had a choice. Thanks.

(cell phone rings)
you...

(bells jingling, beeps)

Hello? Hi. Hi, Joyce. Hi.

I'm so sorry I forgot to e-mail
you those toy-con documents.

I'm still at work...

What? No. No!

Look, okay, look,
I know I have a kid,

But I can do this job
just as... just as well

As any other employee.

No, I-I didn't know
that michelle had

an inhospitable womb,
but you know what?

I-I don't think it's fair
that you reward her for that.

Ma'am! Ma'am, please don't pour
that coffee down the hole.

Where do you think
the liquid goes?

Joyce? J...
(whispers) crap!

(beeps)

Is chloe mad at me?

Because I asked her
if she wanted to roll calls,

and she said I'm not
her assistant anymore.

Honey, no.

You're not
her assistant anymore.

You're our... well...
(chuckles) you're my child,

And you know what?
You and I are gonna be just fine.

(sighs) That's too bad,

Because working for chloe
was fun, and you're kinda lame.

You have a lot of rules.

Lame? You think I'm lame?

After everything I've done
for you? (chuckles)

I mean, I spent 19 hours...
(chuckles)

Sewing you a dragon costume,
and, you know,

Sewing you a dragon costume,
and, you know,

To go to your play.

(raised voice) I work two jobs
to give you a life,

And no one cares...
Not you, not Chloe,

not Joyce, not Lucky, Lucky,

sterile Michelle!

Would it kill anyone
to say thank you,

To look over at me and say,

"June, hey, we see you,
we see you, and thank you"?!

Your breath smells
when you yell.

Your breath smells
when you yell!

(screaming) Your breath smells
when you yell!

Your breath smells
when you yell!

Oh, my god.
She's shaking her baby.

You sucked
in "Flower drum song"!

You're killing your mother!
Why?!

(gasps, panting)

- Oh, what happened?
- Shh. Shh.

You blacked out.

You're overworked.
You took on too much.

Did I shake our baby?
Yeah. Yeah, you did.

- Oh, my God. Is she okay?
- Don't worry.

I took care of it.
I used the it's just beans

security footage
of you shaking Molly

to prove to child services that
you're an unfit mother.

You'll never be able
to lead a girl scout troop

or sponsor a hungry child.

Oh, God. My baby.

Don't worry.

She's going on
to a good, stable home.

I used my connections
and hooked her up

with the ambassador to Morocco
and his wife.

They've been trying
to adopt for years.

Everyone who's ever worked
on my desk goes on

to bigger and better things.

Wow. For once, you cleaned up
your own mess.

Yeah, well, after I saw you
freaking out at the coffee shop,

I realized it was
because of something I had done,

and I do need to take responsibility
for my own actions.

I guess you needed more responsibility,
and I needed less.

I thought I could handle it,
but I guess I can't.

(chuckles)

Remember when I thought
I could take care of a plant?

Ha! (laughing) I couldn't even
take care of a kid.

What am I gonna do
with a plant? (laughs)

Ah. Molly.

She really is gone.
It's so quiet.

Hmm.
(sniffs)

You embarrassed me
in front of Jenkins

At the business meeting today.

Oh, you're embarrassed?

You got my period
during cheerleader tryouts.

I can never show my face
at school again!

Do you think this is easy
for me?

Do you think I like having
to sit while I pee?!

Do you think I like having
to make out with mommy?!

(sighs) Oh, my God.

Cut! This is a disaster!
(buzzer)

(crew speaking indistinctly)
what?

Well, I-I thought that was
working pretty well.

How... how'd that feel
for you?

Ohh. This is a train wreck.

I-I thought that was some
of my best work ever.

I mean...

Hey, whoa, whoa. I'm still
working on that, a-actually.