Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 (2012–2013): Season 1, Episode 2 - Daddy's Girl... - full transcript

My name is June Colbern.

Since moving to New York,
I've lost my job,

my apartment, and my fiance.

Now I'm living
with this girl Chloe

who may or may not be
a psychopath.

This morning ritual
is apparently called

a "hooker's toothbrush."

Ahh.

Chloe is best friends with
the actor James Van Der Beek.

There's this weird neighbor
who lives down the hall... Robin.

She's obsessed with Chloe.



And Eli, the pervert next door.

Mmm.

I believe there are two ways
to look at any situation.

You can focus on the bad...

or choose to see the good.

I choose to see the good.

I'd been
with my cheating fiance Steven

since I was 14.

That's 11 years.

That is
600 Nicolas Cage movies.

But I'm actually okay.

It's gonna be great
to be by myself for a while.

What's the rush to date,
anyway?

You want me.



Oh, no. What happened?

Nothing. This is
for the girl downstairs

whose brother had
that weird bone thing.

I signed for it.

What's with the granny panties?

These are my sexy underwear.

- They're enormous.
- But they're red.

Yes, they are. Red and big,

like an angry Montana Sky.

I need them so that
I can meet a new guy

and get my life plan back
on track.

June, you can't plan your life.

You have to leave room
for new experiences.

Have you ever eaten blowfish
out of a Japanese man's mouth?

Okay, here it is.
I'm gonna get married at 26,

and then a boy, Christopher...

Named after Christopher Robin
from "Winnie-the-Pooh."

No, named after Christopher...

Robin
from "Winnie-the-Pooh."

You know, pooh didn't wear pants
either.

Eli! That's hilarious.

My plan was good.
My guy was just bad, okay?

And I just read
in this magazine, actually,

that men who are into bicycling
make excellent partners

because they're very good
at following paths...

You know, if you wanna meet
a guy, I can hook you up.

I know someone who would be
perfect for you.

Yeah, I-I... I don't think so.

Hey, Chloe set me up
with Tamika,

and it turned out great.
You wanna meet her?

Ahh. Isn't she awesome?

I mean, she is a republican,

but as long as
we don't talk politics...

Let me finish.

Oh, you're gonna love Scott.
I've known him forever,

and he's into biking
and all that nonsense, too.

He's total husband material.
Trust me.

I screwed your fiance
on your birthday cake.

Yeah, I-I-I don't...

trust you with anything...
ever.

She doesn't trust me.
Can you believe that?

Well, you did sleep
with her fiance

on her birthday cake.

What? It's Luther,
my tailor and confidante,

the man who weighs me
in the morning.

Why do you look like

Indiana Jones
when he's a professor?

- Aah! I did it.
- You did it.

I'm gonna teach
an acting class at N.Y.U.

I figure if James Franco
can do it, so can I.

I hate that guy
ever since he beat me out

for the role
of Harvey Milk's lover.

I've had a lot of lovers.

Not everything has to be
a competition, Luther.

Anyway, I hate Franco.

I'm gonna beat him
at acting teaching.

The most frustrating thing
is I know June and Scott

would be perfect together.

Oh, yeah, Scott would be great.

Just don't let June know
you're behind it.

Ooh. Like a stealth setup.

I'll trick them into falling
in love with each other.

Look at you, caring.

You care.
You care about everything.

Why don't you and Luther
go rub bottom-beards together

and see if you can start
a caring fire?

James and I don't have
that kind of relationship.

See you tomorrow, Mark.

Oh.

Hey, sweet pumper.

It's how I'm gonna meet
my future husband.

I biked to work today.
I got a few head nods.

- Checked out some guys in my...
- Helmet mirror,

A.K.A. the fiance cam.

My girlfriend Jennifer
tried biking once.

Bruised her tailbone.

I don't think the seat
had enough padding.

She's very... thin.

Just skin stretched
over bone, really.

It hurts when I hug her.

We can only make love in water.

Come on. It's a Tuesday.

Chloe!

Hi! We're having
a party for no reason.

This guy is hot but boring.

It's like, dude, stop telling me
about your Ebay feedback score.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

She tell you
it was a biking party, too?

Oh, u-um, no.
Wh-wh-what is a biking party?

I don't know. I didn't wanna
seem uncool, so I didn't ask.

- Oh.
- And I still don't know
what this thing's for.

I think
it's some kind of cancer.

You must be June.
I'm Scott.

Chloe's been telling me
all about you.

- Oh.
- I think between you
and me and your bike,

she's trying to set us up.

I told her I did not want...
Chloe!

What?
Wh-where did she go?

Oh, did you check
behind that guy?

When things get awkward,

she's been known to duck
behind a chubbo.

I'm sorry. I don't... I just
can't be set up by my roommate.

Oh. Uh, okay. It's probably
too soon for me, too.

I just got out
of a long-term relationship.

Really? Me, too.

That's weird, right?
Dating again?

Oh, my God.
Just so weird.

I mean, I'm actually only
trying this biking thing

because I read somewhere

- that it was a good way
to meet people, so...
- You read "self" magazine?

- Yes! Always.
- What about that expose
on citrus fruit in restaurants?

Ugh! Filthy!

Now I just bring my own lemons
with me everywhere I go.

It's been hard, but...

I'm not gonna give up
on my dream.

I'm gonna get another
Wall Street job.

Well, you can either focus on the
bad or choose to see the good.

I think there's always two ways
of looking at any situation.

You know?

I say that all the time.

I can listen to you talk
forever.

I don't normally
move this fast.

It took 18 months
for my fiance to see my boobs.

I know. Spring break
in Fort Myers.

You are such a good listener.

That is so hot.

I knew you two
would like each other.

You can thank me tomorrow.

Good night, June.
Good night, dad.

Good night, princess.

Now let's get you
out of this bra.

Oh, my God!
That was your dad?!

So?

I touched it
through bike shorts.

I can't get clean!

See, this is why
I didn't tell you.

You never would have agreed to go
out with Scott if you had known.

No, of course I wouldn't have!
Because it's weird!

And stop calling your dad
"Scott"!

Look, my parents had
an unhappy marriage.

He and my mom separated,

so I thought you guys
would be great together.

I need a rougher loofah!

He deserves so much
better than my mom.

Growing up, she was addicted
to painkillers.

She never wanted to spend
any time with me.

She never took me ice-skating
or horseback riding.

She's a real bitch.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'd feel bad for you if I hadn't
just frenched your father!

Oops. Um, I'm sorry.
I was trying to turn it off.

You must be June's parents.
I-I see the resemblance.

I'm... I'm Scott,
Chloe's dad.

Oh, okay.

See, you are so handsome.

What? Is that my parents?!

Mom, dad, I'll call you back.

Okay, Scott, you need to go.

June, I am so sorry.

Chloe said she told you
I was her dad.

I mean, I admit at first, the age
difference was a bit... strange,

but she said we were really
gonna get along, and we did.

Yeah, 'cause, June,
internally, you're, like, 50.

This one is
such a little rascal.

One time she had me do
her whole science fair project.

Daddy!

I have to take another shower.

Okay, Scott,

you're a great guy
with amazing legs,

but I'm sorry. I'm not
dating my roommate's dad,

so scooch, okay?

Here's the door.

You're the dad.

Half of Chloe came from you.

My compliments to the chef.

Compliment the chef outside.
Thank you.

So when I begin to inhabit
a character,

I ask myself, "who is he?
What does he want?

And what is he gonna do
if he doesn't get it?"

Now let's talk about how this
would impact our approach

to the role of Hamlet.

Was it fun kissing
Katie Holmes?

Let's try and stay focused
on the task at hand here...

- Did anyone have an eating disorder?
- Okay, we're not here to talk
about "Dawson's Creek."

We're here to explore
the craft of acting...

Do the monologue
from the episode

where you realize
you love Joey!

Do it! Do it!

All right. In "Hamlet,"
what do we have?

We have a prince with a prob...
Seriously?!

- Do it, do it, do it!
- You guys don't wanna learn
about acting?

All you wanna hear is, "Joey,
God, I-I mean, this is all new.

"We should talk about this.
But no matter what happens,

"we can't go back
to the way things were.

Joey, don't walk away
from this."

Ohh.

What?

The creek!

Have my baby, Dawson!

I don't normally
move that fast,

but I really felt
a connection with Scott,

and he fit perfectly
into my life plan,

and I touched it through
bike shorts, and I think that...

Yikes.

I have nothing to say to you.

June, God, I mean,
this is all new.

We should talk about it.

No matter what happens,
we can't go back

to the way things were.
June, don't walk away...

That's the speech
from season 1, episode 12

of "Dawson's Creek,"
I've seen them all.

Damn it! Small town girl.

- What do you want?
- Look, if you don't wanna date my dad

because he's my dad, fine.
It's your loss.

But he's really upset.

So can you at least
talk to him?

Dad? Stop ducking
behind a chubbo.

Sorry. Sorry.

Runs in the family.

Hey.

Hey.

Seems like
a real messed up situation.

Yeah, no one's to blame,
though, so that's good.

So what's your story?
Who are you?

Well, I'm Mark.
I work here with June?

We've met several times
before. I don't...

Stupid N.Y.U. kids.

I'm more than just one role.

I was the original Gavroche
in "Les Mis."

I was in Ke$ha's "Blow" video.

I was in an all-white production
of "Raisin in The Sun."

That was a long night.

I'm tired of people
trying to pigeonhole me.

You know, they wanna
put me in a box.

I know what you mean, man.

I got an MBA from Stanford

and two years
at a top mortgage firm,

but people just see me
as a dude who makes coffee.

Do I get discouraged?
Yeah, sometimes.

But you guys know me.
Never gonna give up.

- Who is this guy? What's his story?
- No idea.

Uh... all right.

Chloe said you weren't
interested in pursuing this,

and I respect that,
but getting to know you was...

Amazing. I know.
It's just so...

Complicated. I get it.

I-I just... I wanted you
to have this.

Is that...
McGruff the Crime Dog?

I remember you said how much
you loved him.

Your parents were
arguing a lot that fall,

and he made you feel safe.

Oh, hey, a stuffed animal
from a much older man.

Nothing weird about that.

Took me all day to find one.
Wasn't easy,

but once I set my mind
on something...

I don't give up.

I'm in a Scott-McGruff sandwich,
and I've never felt safer.

In 11 years, Steven never
got me a present like this.

He was always too busy
focusing on his work

or his cheating.

But maybe that relationship
wasn't meant to be.

Maybe I was supposed to go
through all of that with Steven

just so that I could meet you.

This might sound cheesy, but I
think you might be my soul mate.

I like cheesy.

I like cheesy, too!

That's a very good McGruff
impersonation.

Chloe.

Oh, you were so right.

It doesn't matter
the age difference

or how we met.

All that matters
is that he's a great guy,

and we have
a really nice connection.

I'm so sorry
that I didn't trust you.

Thank you.
Apology accepted.

June, this is my mom.

She's really upset. She thinks
my dad is cheating on her.

It's so good to meet you,
honey.

Now bend down
and give me a hug.

I thought you told me

that your parents
were separated.

That's a loose term.

Five days ago,
we agreed to take some space.

I went to visit grandma
in Scottsdale...

And he
started porking some whore.

Well, I don't know that we need
to call her names.

Mom, you and dad
fought all the time.

You're the one who wanted
to separate in the first place.

Yes, but a few days apart
made me realize

I wanted to be with your father

and apparently made him realize

he wanted to be
wilt Chamberlain.

Mom, you know what?
He's moved on.

Get over it.

Chloe, can I speak with you?

What the hell?!

Don't fall for it.
It's an act.

She's a total drama queen.

I think I've ruined everything!

See? She wants us
to say "no."

She's such a piece of work.

She seems pretty sincere,
and by the way,

she's in a wheelchair,

which is why she was
addicted to painkillers

and couldn't take you
ice-skating

or horseback riding.

Look, I don't know if she could
or she couldn't.

All I know is that she didn't.

Isn't it obvious
what's happening here?

What are you talking about?

You're using June to work out

your resentment
towards your mother

and your obsession
with your father.

You perceived your mother as
neglectful when you were a child?

Yeah.

So when she
and your father fought,

you would always side with him.

I guess so.

Well, now you're subconsciously
using June as a pawn

to get back at your mother

and to align yourself
more closely with your dad.

Wow, I never thought of it
like that.

You never think things
through, Chloe.

Like, do you really want June
to be your new mom?

You've gotta break up
with my dad.

Ya think?

Eli, thank you so much.

I guess I got a lot going on
underneath the surface.

I'm like a river in winter.

- You have to come with me to
break up with your dad.
- Why?

Because you are the one
that orchestrated

this entire thing.

Hey, I didn't take
your panty-hamster

and put it on my father.

That's another thing my mother
never got me... a hamster.

Fine. Let's go.

Dude, I had an insight.

James, not now.
I'm slammed.

We just got a huge wave
of customers.

Yeah, I know.
They came to see me.

I tweeted
I was gonna perform here.

If people only see me one way,
it's up to me

to show them
I have other swords in my belt.

No, we're not zoned for this.

People are sitting
on the sweetener bar.

Pop-up theater.
You can't be zoned for art.

Here. Hold those.
And get me a water...

A percentage of which
went to feed hungry children.

Oh, there he is!

Let's do some Shakespeare.

"Doubt thou the stars are fire;

"doubt that the sun doth move;

"doubt truth to be a liar;
But never...

doubt I love."

Did you and Pacey
ever do a scene drunk?

- Yeah.
- I love you, Dawson!

Forget it.

You're everywhere
and nowhere, Dawson!

- What is wrong with people?
- Someone stole the half and half.

Why won't they see me
as something else?

So let me get this straight.

All these people dropped
everything to come see you.

All these girls and that dude
in the Mesh Tank top

would clearly
have sex with you.

You're rich, famous,
and adored,

but you're upset that you're
adored for the wrong reasons?

Exactly.

I walk a lonely road.

I made $4 today.

Nah, you're right.
I'll figure it out.

Take me with you, Dawson!

Hey, my two girls.

You know what?
That is weird.

I'm starting to hear it.

Scott, I'm sorry.
I can't do this.

I-I thought I could overlook
the fact that

you're Chloe's dad.
It's quirky. That's New York-y.

But I can't do it.

Okay? Your wife is
in my apartment right now

crying in a wheelchair.

Look, I'm sorry Karen's upset,

but that doesn't change
the way I feel about you.

I meant what I said
about us being soulmates.

Soulmates? You barely
know each other.

She doesn't even know that your
favorite movie is "Bowfinger."

What is "Bowfinger"?
What are you talking about?

It's a movie that came out,
and I don't know.

Clearly I have issues.

June, listen.
Karen's a great woman,

but we just don't have
anything in common.

I mean, she doesn't
like biking...

She is in a wheelchair!

What is wrong with you people?!

Okay, sorry. This is...
this is just too much.

I'm sorry. Scott,
it was never in my life plan

to be a homewrecker.

Okay.

Okay.

I have had just about enough
of you young ladies.

I am in mid-life panic here.
Look at me.

I'm in biking shorts,
for God sakes.

Now I like June, and I know
I'll never get another chance

at someone as awesome and smart
who will keep me young forever,

so the both of you
will do as I say,

because I am the father and the
lover, and this is not a democracy!

Aah!

Okay, bye. He's fine.

He just dislocated
his shoulder.

He's in the hospital
with my mom.

You pushed your dad
into the street.

It was the bike lane,
and he was talking crazy.

I did the same thing on
our family trip to hoover dam.

He would not shut up
about that place.

Oh, God.

I'm sorry.
This whole thing is my fault.

I shouldn't have
dragged you into it.

Oh, it's okay.
You were just trying...

High five.

No. No high fives.

Sorry. You were saying?

You were just trying to help

in your own
really messed up way.

I mean, I don't know why
I was just so obsessed

with this whole life plan thing,
and where has it gotten me?

I mean, I broke up with Steven,

and my career
is virtually nonexistent.

Okay. Steven was a loser,

- and you'll get another job on Broadway.
- Wall Street.

Okay, interrupt-y,
I was talking.

Just because this isn't
in your life plan

doesn't mean this isn't exactly
where you're supposed to be...

here...

in New York... with me.

Think about how much fun
we could have.

I guess it's time to throw out the
playbook and see what happens.

Crazy.

But, hey, at least you got back in the
saddle and slept with someone new.

Oh, no, your dad and I
did not have sex.

We just... dry-rubbed
for hours.

I wouldn't sleep with someone
so quickly.

I mean, you know,
Steven is the only guy

that I've been with.

You mean not counting
one night stands?

N-no.

- Blackout sex?
- What?

- Redheads? Girls?
- No!

Look, I'm not a fan of the lady
cave either, but in a pinch..

It'd have to be
a really big pinch.

So how did your mom
end up in a wheelchair?

I don't know. I felt like
she always wanted me to ask,

so I never did.

You guys, this is Svetlana.

I met her
coming out of a drugstore.

I buying vitamins!

So here I am,
seriously bummed that

my life isn't working out
the way I planned,

and Svetlana comes up to me,
all excited, and I realize

"Dawson's Creek"
just started airing in Russia,

except there it's called
"Diaghilev's sad show."

Diaghilev cry
and film the video.

That's right, baby, I do.
The thing is, I'm worldwide.

I'm reaching people in countries
with no food or running water.

I'm their only sustenance.

I need to embrace
that responsibility

for all the svetlanas who
perished on the boat ride over.

So from now on, I'm gonna
just stop complaining

and focus on making
the world a better place,

one Russian at a time.

Diaghilev.

Ohh.

So you went to the hoover dam?

Don't talk
during the movie, June.

Mm, oh, Diaghilev.