Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 (2012–2013): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

Living in New York
has taught me

that life is full of surprises.

They can be scary,
but if you're open to them...

they can also change your life.

Steven.

Chloe.

I knew this was
going to happen.

So did I.

Oh, God! Yeah.

Oh!

- Ohh!
- I like this picture of you.



Oh, thank you.

Yeah. Uhh.

Ohh! Oh, God.

Such a bad boy.

Oh, yeah, take me.

- Aah!
- Oh! Oh! June.

What the hell is going on?!

Hey, um... I can explain.

No, Steven, let me.

June, sweetheart,

I screwed your fiance
on your birthday cake,

and I'm gonna be late
with my half of the rent.

That's right. My roommate
slept with my fiance

on my birthday cake,



and it was the best thing
that ever happened to me.

It's just like in "Friends."

Have you ever seen
anything so beautiful

in your entire life?

Only my newborn son's face.

I have to take a picture.
I have to show my parents.

They're not gonna believe this.

I've heard that bread out there
is $4 a loaf.

Don't buy bread!
I will send you bread!

I can't wait to show this
to Steven.

He's my fiance.

He's getting his master's degree
in behavioral psychology.

Once I finish my thesis,
I'll join you in New York,

and we'll get married.

I'll be counting the days,
June-bug.

- I made a giraffe out of pipe cleaners.
- Oh!

I know what you're thinking.

How did I get here?

It's like you're
inside my mind.

Buchwald mortgage company.
They paid to relocate me.

They gave me
this company apartment.

I mean, can you believe it?
I'm turning 26 next week,

and my life plan
is right on schedule.

Hey! What's going on?

Uh, we've been shut down.

- The government froze all our assets.
- What?!

Yeah. Apparently, Mr. Buchwald's
been embezzling

investors out of
billions of dollars.

Police are looking for him
right now.

Where's Buchwald?!

I don't think you understand.

I moved all the way
from Indiana for this job.

Oh, you're June Colbern.
Mark Reynolds. Hey.

I would've been
your associate mentor.

Little advice...
adopt a looting mentality.

Oh, see? She gets it. You're
never gonna use that, Rhonda!

I love it.

Oh, Rhonda.

Oh, my...
What happened?

This building is an asset
of Buchwald mortgage company

and has been seized
by the government.

But I live in there.

I don't think you do.

June Colbern?

Where you want your crap?

Excuse me.
You can't live here.

I ordered a small coffee.
They said I could sit here

if I ordered a small coffee,
so...

June? It's me, Mark.
Hey, yeah.

Just got hired
as a manager here.

Can't have a gap
in the resume, right?

It's been, like, four hours.

Oh, yeah, I know.

Right. Well,
I have a plan, too,

and it does not involve me
going home and telling my family

that I'm a failure.

We have a spent a lot of money

putting you
through grad school.

You're our little investment.

We've missed our last three
mortgage payments,

but no pressure, honey!

I have to make it.
I'm just...

I'm just gonna have to
wait out the storm.

I mean, this bad luck
cannot last forever.

"Roommate... wanted."

And that's Billy. That's Joanne.

That's Austin,
and that's Karen.

She's the serious one.

Oh.

Can you believe
I'm a grandmother?

Look at my thighs.

Taut. Ropey.

Madonna ropey.

I don't enjoy rude women,
loud women,

talky women,

or redheads.

We may or may not
become lovers.

That's... up to you.

So my last roommate
of four years just moved out

to get married,
and I say "roommate,"

but we were more like sisters.

We helped each other
through all the ups and downs.

New York can be
such a scary place

when you first move here.

You really need to have
a good support system.

Chicken satay?

Top three things
in my perfect day...

chicken satay,

live Brazilian music,
and Baz Luhrmann movies.

And Prince Harry in my bed!

I extended it.
I extended it to four things.

Is that a picture of Dawson?

Ah, yeah.
James Van Der Beek.

The beek from the creek.
Le beek c'est chic.

Yeah, we dated for a while
and then decided

we are better off as friends.

We weren't really compatible
genitally.

Imagine trying to fit a cucumber
into a coin purse.

Ooh.

Anyway, so yeah, now he's like
my gay B.F.F. but straight.

Have you ever had
a straight gay B.F.F.?

You're fantastic.
You're fantastic.

And you're drinking
a pink drink,

and... I-I wanna live here.

It's first, last,
and security to move in.

Oh, fine. I mean, that's
everything I have in my savings,

but it is worth it.

Okay. Let's do it.

Oh, my God! Really?
Thank you!

Friends!

Psst! You.

Come here.

Come here.
I'm trying to help you.

This is important information!

Are you here for
the roommate posting?

Oh, yes, in fact, I-I...

Don't trust the bitch
in apartment 23.

Uh, excuse me? I'm... I'm sorry.

You said something
really disturbing,

and then you slammed the door.

Hello?

No one's home!

Hi, Steven, it's me.

Oh, you're never gonna
believe what has happened.

Call me when you get this.
Okay? Bye.

Hello, neighbor.

Hi. I'm Eli.
Building next door.

Oh, hi. I'm June.
I-I just moved in.

You must be pretty hot from
carrying all those boxes, huh?

- Pretty sweaty?
- Yeah.

I guess I am.
I'm a little sore.

Yeah.

Sore.

What are you doing?

Hmm?

Oh, no. Oh, no.

- No! You stop.
- Mm-hmm.

No, you stop that!
I'm calling the cops.

I'm calling the police!

What's up?

Whoa! Whoa. Whoa. Hey.
I can see your no-no's.

Don't come in here.
There's a pervert right there.

Hey, Eli.

Hey, Chloe.

Wait. You know that guy?

Oh, yeah, we're old friends.
He shut down

this underground sushi
restaurant I was working at.

Health inspector.
Too much rat feces, Chloe.

So how was moving?

I was gonna help you,
but then I didn't want to.

Um... every... yeah,
it was fine.

It was fine.
Um, I did kind of have

a weird exchange
with a woman down the hall.

She sort of warned me
not to... trust you.

- Ohh. That's Robin.
She's in love with me.
- Okay.

Yeah. We met a few years ago
shooting a rap music video.

She was a P.A. I got
champagne sprayed on my ass.

♪ Bitch, do your dance ♪

♪ I can draw a circle ♪

Take it.

Yeah. Take it!

I wrote a rap
at Christian camp.

It was called
"Jesus is My 'n' Word."

It's funny.

Oh.

What is going on?

Oh, hey, roomie.

You're just in time
for a little 4-way action.

Take off your pants.
I gave assurances.

I support
that idea wholeheartedly.

One... I'm engaged,
and number two...

I have... I have
job interviews tomorrow, so...

- just keep it down.
- Oh, come on. Are you sure?

They're super hot!

Ugh. Get off me.

Go to sleep.

Hey, "tiger beat."

Hey, whore-nado.
What you doin'?

Nothing. Just watching some TV.
What are you doing?

Just reading a script.

Something judd apatow
wants me to do.

You know, with my schedule...

You got a fan over, huh?

- Yeah.
- Did she get you to
put on the flannel?

We're negotiating.

So the new roommate
move out yet?

Soon.
I give her three days, tops.

You are such a con artist.

No, I'm a humanitarian.

Really? A humanitarian
posts for roommates,

takes their money, and drives
them crazy till they move out?

Eventually these girls realize
that they don't belong here,

and I'm just helping
push them out.

I'm part of
the great digestive system

- that is New York city.
- Do you think maybe this is why

you don't have
any female friends?

Whatever. I don't want any.
Girls are too mean.

- So what's this one called?
- It doesn't matter what her name is.

She's just another
small-town, trusting doormat.

Like, she's got this fiance
she's always gushing about.

Meanwhile, he never takes

her phone calls,
and he spends all of his time

with some 13-year-old boy.

Hello. Something is not right
with that guy.

Okay. Gotta go.

This job is yours. You just have
to go in there and take it!

So if you could just
give my resume to your boss,

you'd see that I have my MBA...

Lady, we are not hiring.

I told you a million times.

- Hey!
- I'm doing it! I'm doing it!

We have another runner!

I... oh, my God!

You have one new message.

Hi, honey. Uh, sorry
we keep missing each other.

Uh, things are crazy
with Jeremy.

He's developed a fear
of bicycles,

so I put him
in the wind chamber.

I'm gonna be here all night.
Uh, I'll try again tomorrow.

I love you.

Hey.
How did the job hunt go?

Um, I'd kind of like
to be alone.

Oh, sorry.
Were you masturbating?

What? No.

Don't worry. I get it.

I have a long-standing
sexual history with that tub.

It's like I'm Jessica Tandy,
and that tub is hume cronyn.

Don't mind me.
Get your Cronyn on.

Um, I'm sorry.
I-I don't mean to be rude.

- But I really had a long...
- You like it?

It's Alexander McQueen.

I bought it with the extra rent
money you gave me.

The extra rent money?

Oh, well, duh.
The real rent is way lower

than what I told you,
so I used the extra money,

and I bought the purse.

So... you're saying that
you stole from me?

Oh, that's such an ugly word.

But yes. That's exactly
what I'm saying.

Sue me.

And you really
don't feel bad at all?

Survival of the fittest,
my friend.

Nobody gave me a break
when I first moved to New York,

and she'll be happier back
in Ohio or whatever.

I remember when you first
moved here.

You told me your name
was Simone,

- and you sold me a condo.
- Aah!

And then the owners
came back from vacation.

They were really angry.

Well, it worked.
All her stuff is gone.

No, all of my stuff is gone.
Where the hell is my furniture?

I sold it. Since you
stole money from me,

I felt like you owed me.
Hmm. Sue me.

Well... look who decided
to pick up a racquet

and join the game.
Good for you.

Yeah, well, you can go
to hell, too. Wait. What? What?

You've surprised me,
and I'm rarely surprised.

James, meet June.
June, meet James.

Heard a lot about you, June.

So you like to rub-a-dub-dub
in the tub?

What? No. Wait. Did... she...
she said that?

Whatever. Most of that stuff
was junk anyway.

Wait. Who bought it?

Hello, mom,
I can't talk right now.

I'm hanging out
with Chloe's stuff.

Ha ha ha ha!
Chloe, you are so funny.

Puns.

It's...
it's so nice to meet you.

I was
a huge "Dawson's Creek" fan.

Aw, thank you.

♪ I don't want to wait ♪

Yeah.

That's the song.

You sold my bedroom furniture,
too?

Yeah. Like you said,

all the stuff in the living room
was junk.

That Ottoman had been
in my family for generations.

My mother gave it to me
when my Nana died.

I was 9 years old.

It's the only thing that I owned
that I even cared about.

Yeah, well, you deserve...
I'm sorry.

I'm really not good
at counterpunching,

and I brought a gun
to a knife fight.

I did that once.

I was arm-wrestling Kevin Sorbo
in a Canadian production of...

James, not now.

Hmm. Hello.

Robin, hi. I need to buy back
that Ottoman that I sold you.

Oh, hmm. How's it feel being
on the short end of the stick?

Huh? Yeah.

It's payback time, bitch.

I thought you said
she was in love with you.

Whoa! No,
I was roommate number four.

She stole my jewelry,
and she got me fired

from the hospital.

Well, I finally got you back.
I've reclaimed my power,

and it feels amazing.

- You never say hi to me in the elevator.
- I need the Ottoman.

I sold it. The fabric was...
drab.

I'm so sorry.

Well, who did you sell it to?

I need the Ottoman,
Mrs. Yilmaz.

I'll pay over full market value.

I'm sorry, but my kids
like to sit on it

while they're playing the Xbox.

There's no "the," mom.
It's just "Xbox."

You want a spanking, Kadir?

Ugh.

Excuse me.

Of course.

We've been wasting our time dealing
with the woman of the family.

What are you talking about?

No! Don't.

Don't!

Hey, papa.

Look who wandered
into your frosty forest,

ready to whisper
wicked promises.

What are you doing?

Going over your head

and dealing with the patriarch
of the family.

He's our neighbor. He comes over
to watch the weather channel.

Get out.

Get out!

- Okay, God.
- I told you, get out.

Okay, look, yes, Chloe is
screwed up, but, you know,

she didn't start off that way.

She was a child once.

A normal human being
before she got seduced

by the dark side or whatever.

She got this Ottoman
at a time in her life

when she could still
care about something.

Don't take away
the one connection

that she has left
to her humanity.

If you do, then...

the crazy bitch might
burn this place to the ground.

I like to watch the flames
from across the street.

It reminds me of Christmas.

- I'm serious.
- Oh.

Oh, thank God.
You got it back.

June did.
She was kind of a genius.

Hey, all my stuff.

How did you get it back?

I negotiated.

Hey, lovely eyes.

How come you got
such lovely eyes?

Hey, so... it was really cool
what you did back there.

You know, all the mean stuff
I've done to you,

I really appreciate it.
Thank you.

You're welcome.

Wait. What...
what are you doing?

Ahh.

Oh, good.

- Whew.
- Yes.

I loaned her $1,000
to buy those.

Chinese energy tablets.
They make you extremely focused

and super slutty.

Wait. So that... that whole story
about your great-grandmother...

that... that was a lie?

Oh, no, that was true.
You can love grandma's Ottoman

and still wanna make money
on pills.

I have paid for drugs. You have
made me an accomplice in drugs!

I sell them and give the money
to charity.

No, I don't really do that.

I can't believe you!
You know what?

You... you just stay
the hell out of my life!

Oh, come on. It's not
that big a deal. June, don't...

Oh, my God. Steven?

- June-bug!
- Oh, my God. Steven.

Well, we kept missing
each other,

and, you know, your birthday's soon,
so I thought I'd surprise you.

Can I have a snack?

Breakthrough.
Um, make a note of that

in Jeremy's cravings journal.

Oh. Who's this now?

Oh. Jeremy's traveling nurse,
Nicole.

She's here to monitor him
when I can't so that

you and I can have
some alone time.

Mwah!

He talks about you
all the time.

I'm just happy to be a part
of his important work.

Oh.

I used my miles to come here.

Is this your roommate?

Oh! Oh, yes.
That was so rude of me.

How could I forget?

Everyone, this is Chloe.

She's the bitch
in apartment 23.

Anyone wanna get weird
and play "Mario Kart"?

Hey, Jeremy.

- Where is everyone?
- June's at work,

and Dr. Clayton and nurse Nicole
are in a meeting.

Those two have
a lot of meetings, don't they?

Hey, you know what's fun?

Alcohol.

Oh, yeah.
They're doing it.

They've been doing it
for so long,

and he's also doing
nurse Simone,

physical therapist Sheila,

and the lady with the limp
that sells car insurance.

Hey.

Oh, are you here
to cause drama?

I mean, do you have any idea

how hard it was for me
to get this job?

Mark here had to pull
some serious strings.

Oh, come on. It was nothing.

I just fired someone
for no reason

so I could hire a friend.
No big deal. I'm no hero.

Steven is sleeping
with nurse Nicole.

Why would I believe
anything you say?

It's true, dude.
Jeremy told me.

I love Steven.

He would never cheat on me.

June, you're too trusting.

Yeah, I guess so.
I mean, I trusted you,

and look where that got me.

Fine. You know what?
Forget it.

I was just trying to help.

June. Dawson.

Come here.
I know you're upset,

but Chloe's actually
trying to do the right thing.

Look, she may have
the morals of a pirate,

but she would do anything
for her friends.

Like this one year,
on my birthday,

I was in Vietnam, shooting
an energy drink commercial.

She flew all my family
and friends out,

threw me this huge
surprise party. It was amazing.

Of course, she left me with the
bill, took all my credit cards.

Don't be a blonde dude
in a vietnamese jail, June.

That's
the real life lesson here.

Steven.

Chloe.

- Aah!
- Uhh! Uhh!

All right, uh,
she seduced me, okay...

Just to prove to you
that he's a cheater.

I can't... I'm not...

What... what the hell
is going on here?

Ooh.

I knew you were
cheating on her with me,

but you're cheating on me
with her?

I thought I was
your only mistress,

you son of a bitch!

Ask her about the girl
that sells car insurance.

My... my sister?!

Oh! Oh! God!

Oh! Whoa!

Hey.

Okay, listen,
I knew that the only way

you would believe Steven
was a bad dude

was to literally walk in on him
in the worst possible scenario...

having sex with your roommate
on your birthday cake.

That is the nicest thing
anyone has ever done for me.

How sad is that?

It's pretty sad.

I mean, if you hadn't
stepped in,

I probably wouldn't have
found out for another ten years.

I'd be divorced with two kids,

you know,
hiding fast food wrappers

in the waistband
of my mom jeans.

I mean...

you saved me from wasting
the best years of my life.

Yeah, well, you know,
it came at a price.

I got a lot of frosting
in my crack.

Sorry. I don't know why
I brought that up.

I think that genuine emotion

just sometimes
makes me feel uncomfortable.

Bartender, kamikaze shots.

Thank you.

Happy birthday?

Yeah.

Come on. Let's go home.

- Did we pay for those drinks?
- No. Hard times. Keep walking.

So did James actually shoot an
energy drink commercial in Vietnam?

Oh, yeah. It's really good.

High energy surge machine!

New cherry taste.

Kapow!

Van Der Beek like.

Dawson is the moon!

What is this? I mean, what...

Could somebody get my agent
on the phone?

Have we... have we figured out
the country code yet?

Van Der Beek!