Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 (2012–2013): Season 2, Episode 10 - Mean Girls... - full transcript

(June) Why do people say that
New York is such a tough town?

I've lived here a while now,

and I feel like I've got it licked.

I mastered the subway,

how to jaywalk without being hit,

and I've learned a cute
new word for Jewish people.

Hello, Hebraham!

The thing that really makes
the city feel like home

is having a friend,

someone to talk to and hang out with.

And for me, that's my roommate Chloe.



One day soon, we'll even
be in a picture together.

Hmm.

(Blinds rattle) Hey, Eli.

Do you stand there every morning,

waiting for me to open the blinds?

(Opens refrigerator)

Don't flatter yourself,
June. And yes, I do.

Look at that!

One time I mention to
Chloe that blueberry is

my favorite kind of yogurt,
and what does she do?

She goes and stocks the
entire fridge with them.

Well, it's important to
have friends in New York.

This city can be hard...

like a lot of things.



I feel bad.

I've been so busy
working at the coffee shop

and trying to get another wall street job

that I haven't been able to have
a girls' day out with Chloe...

until now!

That sounds fun. You know what's not fun?

Complacency in the face of corporate greed.

Today is my first day off,

so I think I'm gonna ask her to hang out.

Maybe we'll go have a
picnic in Central Park or...

(Groans)

Stop talking!

Oh, hey! Somebody's up.

Would you like to hang out today?

I feel like a pig crapped inside my head.

I feel like a pig ate Indian
food and squatted down...

Oh. There's a man underneath you.

Hello.

Don't wake him.

I took all of his life force last night.

All right, come on. I wanna
see your New York City.

Show me what you love about this place.

Well...

guess there is one thing we could do,

but it might be a little touristy.

(Man, amplified voice) And to your left,

you'll see the site of the
famous noodle fire of 1927,

(laughing) They say on a windy night,

you can still smell the
lo mein and burning hair.

God, I love New York!

(Katie Hampton) * I'm not
perfect, I'm no snitch *

♪ but I can tell you ♪

(Whispers) * she's a... * (Buzzer)

♪ Ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba ♪

♪ ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba ♪

And that's all they found...

the young nurse's sawed-off
pelvis in a FedEx envelope

in that mailbox right there. (Murmuring)

When you absolutely, positively
have to be dead overnight," huh?

(Laughter)

Mitchell, you are too much!

(Laughs nervously) New York!

Here, we laugh at death! (Chuckles)

Don't laugh too hard, little girl.

Another young woman

was found murdered in
the park this morning.

That makes six this summer.
You wanna call her parents

and tell them how funny you think that is?

We... we were just... we
all were just laughing...

Okay, who's up for snacks and a pee?

(Man) Okay.

I've got cliff bars and
tuna fish sandwiches.

Warning... the ice has
made the bread moist.

I actually brought my snack from home.

Blueberry yogurt.

My favorite.

Great. It's time for my snack, too.

I should probably do it
in the bathroom, though.

There's a lot of cops around.

Welcome, murder fans!

(Cash register beeps) You must be
here for our killer zucchini muffins.

(Chuckles) It's a joke.

So this is what you're doing
on your day off? A crime tour?

It's what Chloe wanted to do.

How great. So the roommate
who slept with your fiancé

is also fascinated with murder?

Perfect!

There's a problem in the bathroom.

Someone tried to flush
some kind of plastic baggie

down your toilet.

Ohh!

So today was, uh... it was interesting.

Right?! (Chuckles)

Before I took that tour, I
didn't know any of that stuff.

I didn't know it!

Well, you know another fun thing
for girlfriends to do together

is to have a home-cooked meal.

Wednesday night, I'll make
my famous chicken Williams.

(Beeps) Yeah Wednesday works. It's a plan.

Okay. (Beep)

Toilets are for pees and turds, you guys.

(Sighs) Why do I have
to say this every day?

(Woman) * I hear my favorite song *

♪

(Indistinct conversations)

Mark-Paul Gosselaar is building
a school in El Salvador.

What an ass crack.

Hmm! Escuela de Gosselaar.

He looks good, all wearing a tank top.

Yeah, swing that hammer,

build that school,

- carry that niño.
- I'm telling you,

the best way to get publicity
is to do something selfless.

Uh-huh. How do you say
"safe word" in Spanish?

Palabra segura.

So I called my agent,

and apparently there's
this mentorship program

for underprivileged kids,

and a little girl actually requested me.

I'm gonna be a celebrity mentor.

Good for you.

I'm gonna go mentor those
cute busboys over there,

turn them into busmen. See you later.

Hola, guapo!

(Lisa Loeb) * you say *

(Click) Two candles

for two friends.

♪ Ding-ding-ding,
da-ding-ding, da-ding-ding ♪

♪ ding-ding-ding... ♪ Aah!

What are you doing here?!
No one's home at this time!

What are you doing here?

Why do you have keys to our apartment?

S... so that I could
drop off Chloe's mail...

that I got by mistake.

(Thud) Some of the
envelopes are already opened.

Not all of them...

just the ones that looked
personal and all of them.

♪ Don't belong ♪

♪ and now that I am leaving ♪

- Hmm.
- * now I know that I did something wrong *

♪ 'cause I missed you ♪

(Sighs)

(Snoring)

(Woman) * give it a rest *

(Giggling)

- Oh, hey!
- Huh?

Meet these guys. I don't know their names,

but they seem to answer to "menudo."

Where's your friend?

She never showed.

That's so mean.

Yeah, it is.

Mmm.

(Mouths words) (Chloe crunching)

I told you I was making
you dinner Wednesday night.

What?

No, you said you were gonna
make dinner for your friend.

(Beep) I even put it in my phone

to make sure I wasn't gonna be around.

Can we have some more bread?

You are the friend I was
talking about! (Dishes rattle)

Oh.

Okay. I think there's been
a misunderstanding. Sorry.

Let me make it clear now...

we're roommates. We're not friends.

What are you talking about? We...
we... we've been hanging out.

You took me on your murder tour.

Yeah, I tricked you into buying my ticket.

I didn't want to buy it and I
wanted you to buy it. We cool?

Sorry. Can you box this up for me?

Cute, huh? (Door slams)

I just felt like Chloe and I
had really bonded, you know?

You know, we've been through
so much already and...

Sweetie, if she doesn't
want to be your friend,

that's her loss.

Like when my friend Agnes told me

she no longer wanted me
to be in her book club.

Three months later, she was dead.

Oh, and, June-bug, speaking of dead,

we heard about those girls
getting murdered in the park.

We're gonna send you a rape whistle. Huh?

(Blows whistle)

Just make sure you don't get
raped next to a marching band.

(Both laugh)

All right, well, I love
you. I'll see you later. Bye.

- I love you!
- Be safe.

It's too bad about you and Chloe.

I was writing an erotic
novel about your friendship.

Can I help you?

I know what you need to do.

Find some girls you have
something in common with,

an activity you can bond over.

Well... I have been meaning
to find a pilates class

since I moved here.

(Buzzer sounds)

Ooh! Gotta go. I'm
playing hoops with my boys.

You have friends?

Of course.

Who doesn't have friends? I'm not a freak.

Ahh.

These are just my knock-around heels.

(School bell rings)

Kim?

Hi. James Van Der Beek,
celebrity mentor you requested.

James Van Der Beek? I
asked for Mario Van Peebles.

I don't even know who that is.

I don't even know who you are. Dang!

Sure you do. But I'm not here as an actor.

I'm here to change your life,
purely for selfless reasons.

(Cell phone camera shutter clicks)

All right, let me just
text that to my publicist,

and then we'll go get some gelato.

Okay, but we gotta wait a while
before we get on the subway.

The girls who bully me are there now.

You're getting bullied?

That's terrific. Bullying's hot right now.

Don't you worry about a thing.

I'm here to make all your dreams come true.

But I wanted my Mario Van
Peebles dream to come true.

Well, that one's dead. Come on.

You know, I did a bullying
P.S.A. back in '99.

Worst makeup person I ever worked with.

Just untalented. It was a
nightmare. I had to fire her.

(Chime sounds)

(Woman over P.A.) All
large bags and backpacks...

(Speaks indistinctly)

Hey, relax. I got your back.

(Girl) Hey!

(Backpack thuds)

(Chime sounds) Whoa. This is real.

Why you so short? What's
wrong with your face?

Where's your friend at?

He ain't here, boo-boo.

Hey, call me!

Come on, Barneys. I'm
not in the mood. (Click)

(Laughter)

Oh! Chloe, hi.

These are my new friends. (Door closes)

This is Ashley, Carmen, and Stephanie.

We've been hanging out at pilates all week.

Yeah, people call us the hotties 4 pilates.

(Laughter)

We thought of it. I did.

Wait. I'm sorry. June,
who are these people?

I told you. They're my friends.

We actually have a lot in common.

(Stephanie, Carmen, and Ashley) Mm-hmm.

I mean, Ashley works on wall street.

When I told Carmen that I liked
flan, she nodded in agreement.

And Stephanie and I both look
exactly the same waist-down

in our pilates tights.

Well, not exactly the same.

I have this cool kokopelli tattoo.

He's the flute-playing God of life.

I just love knowing that he's
always down there, jammin'.

(Laughs)

I got him at surf camp

after I broke up with my boyfriend Frank.

I only needed three ibuprofen.

R-o-k. (Singsongy) Rock star!

(Laughter)

Oh! I just realized. I hate you.

(Scoffs)

(Whispers) You can't be rude to my friends!

Oh, come on, June. These girls are a joke.

You can't be serious.

Okay, maybe they're not perfect,

but you don't want to be my friend,

and they wanna be my friends,

and I wanna drink
cappuccinos on the sidewalk.

Why do you wanna be their friend?

They're catty, obnoxious, and irritating,

like all girls.

"All girls"? What do you...
what do you even mean?

I mean, those girls

are exactly the reason why
I don't hang out with girls.

They're competitive, they backstab,

and they post group pictures
of themselves on Facebook

so they can show the world
what they look like in a bikini.

That was a tankini, and I was tagged
in that photo. (Bottle cap clatters)

Look, I just prefer to hang out with dudes.

They say what they mean,
they like to have fun,

and in a pinch, they have a penis.

(Door opens)

Stupid shirts.

Awesome shirt.

That's how you should dress, ladies.

Pay attention.

(Schubert's "Valses
sentimentales, op. 50" playing)

(Sighs)

(Door opens)

(Sighs) Thank God you're here.

I have to tell you about

this hellish girl experience I just had.

Yeah, I'm having a problem, too.

It's Kim, my publicity project.

I feel awful. I abandoned
her in a moment of crisis.

Ugh! Not you, too!

Stick a tampon in it and call your mom.

These new friends of
June's are so horrible.

She's really scraping
the bottom of the barrel.

Well, nobody likes to be alone.

I'd rather be alone than
be with that girl Stephanie.

She's the worst. She
thinks she's the queen bee.

You know, one of those girls
who only talks about herself

and goes around with an
army of little pink groupies.

"Queen bee"? So there's
a power dynamic, huh?

Yeah, and it's disgusting.

It's something you would
never have with a guy friend.

I'm leaving and I'm taking this.

And this.

(Siren wailing, horn honks)

(Dance music playing)

Hey, Billy. I'll have the usual.

Actually, Chloe,

your friends already
ordered a drink for you.

- Girl grenade!
- Aah!

(Stephanie laughs) Hi!

(Chuckles) So I've been
thinking about what you said

about not having any female friends,

and I realized it's just because
you haven't given them a chance.

- Forget it, June.
- Come on.

You can't hate something if you
haven't even tried it before.

Please?

(Sighs deeply)

Oh! Ooh! (Giggling)

Okay, the first rule of girlfriends...

- Hmm?
- You do not talk about girlfriends.

(Laughs, singsongy) Movie reference!

Oh, that's from "La bamba"!

What? No, Carmen. Not
everything's from "La bamba"!

*

My doctor says I can't
lose any more weight.

I'm in the red zone.

I eat and I eat... nothing. I'm cursed.

(Slurps)

I mean, Carmen, you're so
lucky you don't have this.

(Slurps) What the hell?

I've had, like, eight of these
and I don't even feel buzzed.

Oh, that's because there's
no alcohol in there.

We don't wanna get drinky wrinkles.

So I'm just drinking juice, like a kid?

Mm-hmm. (Glasses shatter)

What is happening at
this table is ridiculous.

Stephanie, stop abbreviating words.

You don't have a job. You have the time.

Ashley, you're just telling Stephanie

she did the right thing by
kicking Frank to the curb

because you obviously wanna sleep with him.

And, Carmen, for the love of God,

can you stop quoting "La
bamba" for one second?

"Everything's Ritchie,
Ritchie! What about Bob?!"

(Laughs)

You've got us pegged, don't you?

You think that by acting
tough and rejecting us

before we reject you that
you can protect yourself.

You're just scared that
someone's gonna see the real you

and find out that

you're not as interesting
as you think you are.

Well you're not as skinny
as you think you are.

Shouldn't you be dancing
in a glass booth somewhere?

No. Your mom took my shift.

My mom passed away two years ago.

Well, you look like Donald sutherland.

Yes, that's right.

There's only room for
one bitch in apartment 23.

Did you guys try these
nachos? They are yummo!

(Mouth full) I love 'em.
They're great. (Crunching)

Okay, I'm out of here.

June, I'll pick you up
tomorrow for pilates.

We can discuss finding you another roommate

who isn't a total psycho.

So who has thoughts on Anne Hathaway?

Hey, Stephanie forgot her jacket.

Oh. I'll give it to her.

We have unfinished business.

Hey, Stephanie, it's June again.

Pilates started over an hour ago.

Where are you?

Give me a call. Bye. (Beep)

I don't think she's coming. (Turns on TV)

Another girl was found
murdered in the park.

The unidentified victim was found

clutching a pilates mat

and has a tattoo on her ankle of kokopelli.

- Oh, my God.
- (Man) Uh, it's very disturbing.

- It's Stephanie!
- Um, the ladies appear to be all ages and all ranges...

Ohh... of weight, color, and creed...

Rough night. A lot of bad choices.

This may not end. This
may be just the beginning.

(Door slams)

Uh, we've just witnessed...

(Changes channel) Wow.
It's on every channel.

Shocking. I haven't paid
for cable in three years.

How are we still getting TV?

So, um...

why are you wearing
Stephanie's jacket? (Gasps)

Oh, I tried to give it back to
her, but I couldn't find her.

We have unfinished business.

Later, stupid!

Go!

So... (Tv playing indistinctly)

What did you do for the rest of the night?

Nothing. I just went to James' to watch TV.

Why? What are you insinuating?

Nothing...

unless there is something

that you feel like you need to tell me.

Kiss!

No. I'm mad at her.

W...

I can't believe June thinks
I killed her dumb friend!

(James) That's crazy.

So did you?

What? No! I was with you.

(Snoring)

That's it. That's the perfect look for Kim.

(Turns off TV) Is this couch a pod?

Because we, sir, are two peas in it.

June being suspicious of me

is exactly the kind of
female B.S. I can't stand.

Ugly accusations, drama,

mind games. I had no idea

female relationships were so complicated.

I thought there were two types of girls...

the pretty ones and the invisible ones.

Well, there's really
only one thing to do...

Really go out of my way to mess
with her head. You wanna help?

Ah, I can't. I thought about what you said

about the whole power dynamic thing.

I'm giving Kim a makeover

so she'll be queen bee
and won't get picked on.

I decided publicity or no,

I'm never abandoning that
little big girl again.

(Belches)

Sorry. Soda.

Luther's in with her now.

He's familiar with a generous female form

from his stint as wardrobe
master on "Designing women."

I brought my mother to
the people's choice awards.

(Singsongy) Keep 'em guessing.

Why is he talking?

Dramatic reveal.

(Kim) These pantyhose itch. Dang!

Oh, my gotta go.

Kim, you look amazing.

No one's gonna bother you
again, my little mocha butterfly.

Hey, mom, give me a call.

I have a question about... geraniums and...

(Whispers) murder.

Who you talking to?

Uh... shut up! I'm trying to think!

I'm gonna go burn these clothes...

only because they don't fit me anymore.

That's the only reason.

Hey. I need you to take my
photo for a new passport.

Can anyone go to Argentina,
or do you have to be a Nazi?

Never mind. Just take the
photo. It's the big button.

(Sobbing)

She didn't seem happy!

So I did her a favor!

(Continues sobbing)

Hey, come on. There's no such
thing as a shy designing woman.

People are looking at me.

Because you look like a
full-figured emmy nominee.

You think?

No one's ever believed
in me before. Thanks!

(Laughter)

What the hell you wearing?

Why you look 40?

This whole thing was
his idea! (Girls laugh)

I knew this wouldn't work, fool!

Kim, where is this anger coming from?

Is this because I didn't buy you a gelato?

Ooh, yes! Get him!

Wait a minute. I think it's working.

Not the way I planned it, but I...

I think they're accepting you.

Oh! 'Cause now you're the weakest one!

I am! (Whispers) I'm so proud of you!

You know I have to kick your ass now.

Bring it, girl.

(Punch) Uhh!

Ooh! Oh, he look stupid.

(Laughs) Real dumb.

Hey.

This whole Stephanie thing
has really affected me.

I think I'm gonna go
down to the crime scene.

You know, say one last good-bye.

- Oops.
- Ow!

You had a flyaway.

Oh, my God. There's a cop.

(Gasps) He probably saw my duffel bag.

Why do I have to keep trophies?!

I know what you did to Stephanie, okay?

And I'm gonna try to help you.

What?

This all makes sense.
There were so many signs.

You don't have any friends.

You have a morbid curiosity.
The whole crime tour thing...

I don't agree with what you did,
but I want to try to help you.

Here. (Bills rustle)

Take all the money.

Okay, I'm gonna create
a diversion out here,

and you're gonna run out the back.

Huh?

Here's my aunt Doris' address in Miami.

She has a guest house and Alzheimer's...

(Tears paper) so there
won't be any questions.

(Whispers) Here. (Sighs)

You'd do that for me?

Of course. Now get out of here!

Wow. You're such a good friend.

Aha!

I knew it! I knew you
thought that we were friends.

What?! Wait a minute. So
you're just messing with me?

- Yep.
- So you knew I didn't kill Stephanie the whole time?

Yep. We played a game of
murder chicken, and I won.

When did you find out?

I'm gonna go burn these clothes...

only because they don't fit me anymore.

That's the only reason.

(Cell phone rings) (Gasps)

(Beep) Hello?

(Squeals and laughs)

Frank popped the question.

Oh, my God! Stephanie! (Laughs)

He came crawling back,

flew me to Turks and Caicos, and proposed!

That's amazing! I...

(Chuckles) I thought you were dead!

(Chuckles) That's weird.

Anyway, our friendship is over.

- What?
- Come on, June.

You know that girlfriends

are just placeholders between boyfriends.

(Gasps) Anyway, gotta
go. My chi-chi's here.

(Singsongy) Bye! (Beep)

Oh. So she's not dead? Bummer.

Okay, all right, maybe you
were right about Stephanie.

There are bad apples, but there
are also some good apples, too.

Yeah, I guess so, like you.

I gotta admit, murder
chicken's pretty awesome.

(Laughs) I didn't know girlfriends
could mess with each other.

Well, yeah. I mean... you know,

but they also... they share clothes

and get manicure-pedicures

- and...
- Ah!

You're messing with me again!

(Laughs) Totally! I don't like that stuff.

Besides, I knew that you were my friend

when I saw that you were
getting me my blueberry yogurt.

What are you talking about? I've
never paid for food in my life.

What? Then who's been doing our shopping?

Mmm.

Eat, Chloe.

You're so skinny.

Eat, my bird-boned friend!

Looks like rain.

Yeah, it's supposed to rain.

(Mouth full) Yeah. (Crunching)

(Both laugh) Robin!

Ah. We solved that mystery.
That was super satisfying.

Mm-hmm.

Girl's still dead in the park, though.

Yeah. Sad.

♪ ba-da-da-ba-ba ♪

♪ ba-doo-ba-doo-ba-da-da ♪

(Door slams)

What's your favorite flavor?

We got, uh, tiramisu, café
au lait, dulce de leche.

Why are they all brown?
I just want plain vanilla.

Uh, okay, vanilla's right
there. It's called, uh, vaniglia.

There's bugs in the vanilla!

No, no, those aren't... those
aren't bugs. Those are beans.

Beans give me the toots!

No, not those kinds of beans.
They're... they're... they're...

(Cell phone rings) you know what?

Just give her the, uh, the
strawberry basil. (Ring)

What?! (Beep)

It's my agent. Donnie. Hey. Yeah.

(Sighs) Listen, I'm with my mentee Kim.

I realized, it's not about publicity, man.

It's about making a
difference one person at a...

my agent just got me a
Japanese seaweed commercial.

- Take it.
- But what about the plans we made?

Take it, fool!

Donnie, I'm in.

- That'll be $16.
- What?!