Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 (2012–2013): Season 2, Episode 11 - Dating Games... - full transcript

Okay, so cards on the table...
I'm not that great at dating.

My ex-fiance and I were
together since high school,

so I just haven't had a
ton of experience at it.

My roommate says you should
treat dating as a game.

- What are you doing?
- I'm talking to this guy.

No, why are you saying what
you're saying? It's boring.

What? It's not boring.

I'm sorry. My friend wants to
apologize for her boringness.

I do not want to apologize
for my boringness.

To make up for it, she'll
show you her taters.

- My what?
- You know, your rack.



Your guns. Your geegaws. Your jilk mugs.

See? So boring.

(Katie Hampton) * I'm not
perfect, I'm no snitch *

♪ but I can tell you

(whispers) * she's a... (Buzzer)

♪ Ba-da-da-da-da-ba,
ba-da-ba

♪ ba-da-da-da-da-ba,
ba-da-ba

(man) Okay, May, it's decision time.

You can only choose two
of these three gentlemen

to be in next week's finale.

Who's it gonna be?

(Pounding)

This is the hardest
thing I've ever done,

besides beat cancer.



You're so strong, May!

Thank you, Sean.

Jackson...

Hey-o! (Deep voice) Yeah!

Will you accept my golden spring?

(Boing) Absolutely.

I am so glad that she didn't pick Sean.

Oh, me, too. He's such a kiss-ass.

"You're so strong, May!"

(Laughs) Who says that?

(Monotone voice) * Sean is so lame

Ugh. You guys are still
watching "Spring Into May?"

That show sucks.

James is super judgy about TV hosts.

(Exhales) Look at that clown.

I'm a way better host than he is.

Stay tuned. "Spring Into
May" will be right back.

You guys should have
seen the dating show

I just hosted in Belgium.

And the lovers are spinning.

Diedrick, are you ready for your chance

at unimaginable lust?

Ja! (Laughs)

Wonderbaar!

Ahh. Great taste.
Always one-of-a-kind.

It was a little all over the place.

I mean, the... the
wheels were dangerous.

But I had some really good ideas.

If the producers had
just listened to me...

- Quiet!
- It's back on!

(Man) ... Then down to 24, then 14...

(Chloe) Mm! (Giggles)

Oh, yeah. Whoo! Whoa. (Giggles)

Chloe, we're trying to watch something.

And I am trying to do someone.

Now stop watching these
stupid dating shows

and get in the game, June.
Go out and meet somebody.

I have very tough criteria.

He can't be from your work or your gym,

or live in your building.

(Lowered voice) We don't
work together anymore.

And he can't be someone
that Chloe slept with,

which is really hard to find.

Hello? How do you think I feel?

I only sleep with guys I
haven't slept with before.

You know my scorched earth policy.

Um, we've actually had sex before.

Oh. Get out.

(Man) These 24 men...

(Door opens and closes)

June, there are tons
of guys in New York.

I'm gonna take you out
and help you meet one.

(Lowered voice) Right here.

A good one.

(Mouth full) I mean, I was right there.

Why doesn't June ever consider me

as someone she might wanna date?

Dude, you're in the friend zone.

That's not one of her criteria.

That's an unspoken criteria.

The friend zone was also
one of the ideas I had

to improve that Belgian
game show that I hosted.

See, all the contestants
would put their friends

in an area, or "zone."

That sounds... great, man.

Right?

(Dance music playing)

Okay, so we are not
here to sit at the bar

and compare tampons all night.

We are here to talk to guys.

And stop using your stupid criteria

as an excuse to lay on the couch

and eat Mexican sandwiches.

(LMAFO's "Sexy and I know it" playing)

(Speaking inaudibly) (Whistles)

(June, thinking) His nose
is whistling. (Whistles)

His nose is whistling.

(Whistles)

(Speaking inaudibly)

This guy looks so angry when he talks.

He's not saying angry
words, but he looks so mad.

I mean, he's talking about rainbows.

(Speaking inaudibly) This
guy has orange mouth corners.

He's been eating a sloppy Joe,

and he hasn't even wiped his face.

I'm just gonna wipe his
mouth and get out of here.

Hey, you just did a good deed there.

- Oh, you saw that?
- Oh, yeah.

I can't stand it when people
have food on their face.

It's so...

- disgusting. I know!
- Disgusting. I know!

Except when it's my great aunt.

She's old, so I like
helping her wipe her face.

Aw, that's sweet.

Anyway, I'm Daniel.

Hi, I'm June.

Okay, this is gonna sound weird,

but you just like what I imagined

Harry Potter would look like
when I was reading the books.

Only the... the grown-up man version.

Both my parents were also killed,

but not by a wizard.

I'm kidding. They're in Connecticut...

(Exhales) leading very active lives.

(Laughs)

Can I buy you a drink?

Yeah. Sure. Thank you.

Oh, God, you're never
gonna believe this.

Okay.

No, no, I think I just met someone.

He's cute and he's single,

and he has a good relationship
with his great aunt.

Good. Ask him out.

Really? Just like that?

Of course. You're gorgeous.

He'll be the luckiest guy here.

Just touch up your lip gloss a bit.

Yeah. All right. I'll do it.

Okay.

Hey, do you wanna go out sometime?

Wow. You're asking me out?

Yeah. Is that weird?

No, no. It's awesome.

The only weird thing

is that two different
girls just asked me out

in the span of one minute.

What other girl asked you out?

Uh, that girl right over there.

(Door opens)

(Exhales)

You walk fast for your leg length.

You were supposed to be
helping me meet a guy,

not finding one for yourself.

When did you even have
time to ask him out?

When you were putting on your lip gloss.

That was a diversion tactic on my part.

Frankly, you were kind of
already wearing too much.

Why would you do that to me?

I've always wanted
what other people want.

You take something that's
available... who wants that?

Take something from someone...

value.

Unbelievable. This is not a game.

(Chair creaks)

But it could be.

Ooh. James has been sitting
in that chair the whole time?

I'm intrigued, James.

You two could compete for
this guy. What's his name?

- Daniel.
- No earthly idea.

I'll set the rules,
incorporating the ideas

that I wanted to use in Belgium.

And if it works,

I'll pitch it as a TV
show and host it myself.

No! You can't toy with
a person like that.

Besides, I would never compete
against Chloe for a guy.

The first thing she'd do
is just sleep with him.

You know it.

Well, June, as it just so happens,

one of my rules is no sex
for the first five dates.

That way Chloe can't
gain an unfair advantage.

Boo.

So basically, either I don't play,

in which case Chloe sleeps with
Daniel and makes him undatable,

or I actually play, and I
have a chance to date him.

- Great. You're in.
- Yeah, well, I'm out.

No sex for five dates
sounds like torture.

Awesome. So I get Daniel.

No. You want him? He's
mine. I'm back in. Value!

Perfect! Okay.

(Deep voice) Let's
mingle while we're single.

That's how the game starts.

The game just officially started.

That wasn't clear.

(Door slams)

Okay, so here are the
basic rules of the game...

Daniel cannot know
you're competing for him.

You will each go on five platonic dates.

You will each get an interruption card,

a cool-down card, and
a monkey wrench card

which can be played at any time.

You had cards made up?

Aren't they beautiful?

I can't take all the credit.

The woman at Kinko's
had some great thoughts.

- Question.
- Yes.

Can we punch Luther?

No. So at the end of each date,

I will count out the number
of true connection moments

you each have with Daniel.

Whoever has the most wins the round,

and gets... Beek bucks

to use on their next date.

These are from the Van
Der Beek Monopoly set

I made last easter.

Luther, you are on it today.

I got great sleep last night.

(Knocking on door)

I wanna play. I don't
even care who the guy is.

I just wanna play a game with Chloe.

Great. Diversity. Get in here.

Eee! (Whispers) Yes!

(Giggles)

- Form an alliance?
- No.

This is great.

For the first round,

I need you to write down your ideal date

on that sheet of paper.

(Click)

("Think!" From "Jeopardy!" playing)

(Clipboards clacking)

So...

for your first date, June,

you will be going... to a dungeon.

Wait. I-I didn't write down "dungeon."

I wrote down "picnic."

You and Chloe are switching dates.

No!

God. I'm weirdly into this.

I knew the whole thing was crazy,

but I really liked Daniel.

I mean, we only chatted for
a few minutes in the bar,

but I hadn't felt a connection like that

with someone in a long time.

So I guess I'm going on a date...

In a dungeon.

I have a vent in my apartment

that lets me hear everything
going on in apartment 23.

It's weird they never ask me

how I always know what's happening.

Or how I've trained my body
to get on Chloe's cycle.

(Techno music playing)

So... this is a dungeon.

Yeah.

I know, it's... it's kind of weird.

No. I'm just surprised
you chose this place.

Good surprised?

More like

"why did I wear loafers
to a dungeon?" surprised.

(Laughs)

Hey, are you ready for another one?

Yes, please.

Card. Card. Monkey card.

I interrupt your date with cards.

Get outta here.

Daniel and I just got
here. I am not leaving.

Um, those are the
rules of the game, June.

Do you really wanna break
the rules of the game?

I didn't know the rules of the game.

I just wanted to slam
down the cards and yell.

I hate games.

(Gasps) Daniel.

Chloe.

Wow. That is so weird
running into you here.

We're seeing each other tomorrow, right?

She asked me to tell
you she had an emergency.

She ran out of here holding
her mouth and her butt.

Oh, my God.

Anyway, enough about her.

I'm here now, and this counts as a date.

Only four more until sex.

My man!

So... it's going well.

It's a little predictable.

I just... (Sighs) it's
good. It's not great.

I feel like I need to
shake things up, you know?

Throw a curveball at 'em or something.

What are you talking about?

Dating show I'm work-shopping
with June and Chloe.

I'm really on to something
with this show idea,

I just... I'm missing something.

You watch dating shows. Any ideas?

You want me to help
set June up on dates?

That's the exact opposite
of something I'd be into.

Wait, you still have a crush on her?

It hasn't been that long.

It's been, like, the
longest crush of all time.

I've had about ten crushes
since yours started.

11.

(Dog barks)

(Kids shouting playfully)

This sucks.

This picnic was your idea.

Why'd you only bring one chair?

Daniel, I don't...

I don't know, Daniel.

Do you want some food or something?

Whiskey?

An egg?

An egg, I guess.

(Exhales deeply)

(Cracks) Oh!

God! It's not even hard-boiled!

What?

Anyway, this counts as a date.

Only three more until sex.

Oh, and when you're done,

this chair has to be returned
to Tony's Party Rentals.

You owe him 50 bucks.

His prices are pretty unreasonable.

Okay, ladies,

now at this point in the game,

none of you have scored
any true connection moments

with Daniel.

I would've had one

if Chloe hadn't interrupted my date.

Now, Robin, you haven't even
tried to meet Daniel yet.

Uh, I know.

I've got dudes comin' out of my ears.

This is ridiculous.

I am the only one who likes this guy.

Well, now here is your
chance to prove it.

Our next challenge is a quiz round,

sponsored by Diet Dr. Pepper.

Dr. Pepper loves everything
I get involved with.

James Van Der Beek
and Diet Dr. Pepper...

D.D.P., J.V.B.

This challenge is designed to determine

which of you has the
brains to be with Daniel.

The winner will gain a
very special advantage

over the other contestants.

This is my concept that
James has agreed to try.

I hope you like it.

It's called

"things Luther knows, but
wants to see if you know."

(Clacks) The movie "The Help"!

Okay. First question.

Which planet in our solar system

gets hit with the most asteroids?

(Clacks) I have no idea!

(Clacks) I have no idea, either.
We are the same.

Only buzz in if you know the answer.

Okay.

Who was that guy

in the black-and-white
Janet Jackson video

in the desert who balanced
on that big half-circle thing?

(Clacks) I have no idea!

(Clacks) I don't know, either.

- Djimon Hounsou.
- I knew that!

James answered before I had a chance.

Tough to prove.

Okay, let's wrap this round up.

Whoever answers this next question

will win the game.

What film...

(Clacks) The movie "The Help."

Absolutely correct!

- Chloe wins the game.
- Yes!

Minny put poop in the pie.

Damn it. I took out the wrong card.

Chloe, as winner of this game,

you will receive the valuable...

mind fork.

(Gasps) In a much-needed twist,

the mind fork will allow you access

to one piece of personal information

designed to blow one of
the contestant's minds.

I give it to June right now.

(Laughs) Okay!

All right. I like it.

June, your mind-blowing
piece of information is,

Mark...

has a crush on you.

(Gasps) Ooh.

You just got mind forked.

(Imitates explosion)

What?

No.

Mark doesn't have a crush on me.

You guys made that up

as part of a twist in the game.

I mean, right?

Ooh, the mind fork is working!

(Knock on door)

Hey. Uh, you left your wallet at Beans.

Ah. Yes, I did.

On purpose? Tough to prove.

Point is, you're here.

June. Mark's here.

Hey, Mark.

Funky Mark.

I was just leavin'.

Out the door,
four-on-the-floor.

Okay. Uh, are... are we still on

for the "Spring Into
May" finale tomorrow?

(Squeals) Yeah!

Nasty!

(Slaps)

Buttocks.

Mind forked.

I was flustered.

If Mark really did have a crush on me...

which, by the way, is a big "if"...

I couldn't think about that right then.

I had to focus on Daniel

and the next challenge.

We were meeting Daniel's great aunt.

We had to get her to say which girl

she thought was best for Daniel.

But I was just happy to
split a potpie with Chloe.

What do you mean, we can't split it?

Ma'am. It's a pot pie.

All the stuff inside it will spill out.

Why is it just problems with you?

So Daniel seems like a really great guy,

and he loves you very
much. (Oxygen tank hisses)

I like your... face hat.

(Hisses)

I'd really like the chance
to get to know him better,

- so if you could just...
- Okay.

Are you ready for the next twist?

Because here comes the double mind fork.

Daniel.

Aunt Aggie, are you okay?

You can't eat anything here.

What is wrong with you two?

I... I get a phone call
from James Van Der Beek,

telling me that you stole my great aunt

from her retirement home?

I... I had no idea you
two even knew each other.

And now I find out you're playing

some sick, real-life dating game?

Hi. I'm Robin. I'm
competing for you, too.

P.S., I'm not attracted to you.

Daniel, I'm so sorry.

I thought this was the only way

that I'd have a chance
to get to know you.

Well, then, you're crazy.

This is crazy. You're all insane.

Oh, my gosh.

I should have never listened to you.

I like this guy, and
now it's all ruined,

- because of you.
- Hey.

I liked him, too.

Only because I liked him.

And Robin's here because of you,

and James is here because
of his stupid game.

It is stupid.

I'm sorry, James,

but it is a dumb game.

This isn't connected
to anything. (Cries)

Oh, this is ridiculous.

I should have never let
you talk me into something

so dishonest and mean.

(Exhales deeply)

Okay, Aunt Aggie,
everything is fine now.

Blah! Whoa. It smells like nuts in here.

What? I thought I made myself clear.

I don't want anything to do with you.

First of all, I don't believe you.

And second, I'm not here
for me. I'm here for June.

Look, she didn't want anything
to do with this stupid game.

She just wanted to date
you in a normal, boring way,

and James and I didn't let that happen.

So she deserves another chance.

Don't be mad at her for what we did.

Look, I'm sorry,

but June didn't have to go along with it

if she didn't want to.

Now please leave

so I can forget this ever happened.

(Aggie speaks indistinctly)

What?

Oh, that thing talks?

June's a good girl. Go to her.

Can you believe the old
lady said "go to her"?

I mean... that's great television.

I don't know what
Luther's talking about.

My show's incredible.

(Door opens) Mark,

I got a hit on my hands.

All the twists and turns...

the mind fork really took the
whole game to another level

when I told June you had a crush on her.

You told June I have a crush on her?

How could you do that?

Oh, dude...

it helped my game.

Well, that's messed up, man!

Your game isn't even real.

I... wh... what did she say?

Well, not much, really.

I mean, she got back
on Daniel pretty quick.

(Scoffs) She's fine.

Oh, good, 'cause I'm fine, too.

We're supposed to watch the
finale of "Spring Into May"

together tonight, and
that'll be fine... too.

See? Everybody wins

on "James Van Der Beek presents:

Date... swap... trivia... fork."

I don't have it yet. I
don't have the name, Mark.

I'm gonna go for a run.

(Bells jingle)

(Cell phone chimes and vibrates)

(Clatters)

(Knock on door)

Daniel. What are you doing here?

Chloe and Aunt Aggie

convinced me to give you another chance.

Chloe? My Chloe?

I was upset.

I don't appreciate being a
pawn in someone else's game.

But I like you, and you
seem like a good person.

I'm sorry.

No more games.

Just me and you, I promise.

Come in. I'm actually
watching the season finale

of "Spring Into May,"

and May is about to give
out her final golden spring.

I know it's stupid, but it's fun.

Do you want a burrito?

Oh, God, no. I hate burritos.

Why would I like a food

that hides all its
ingredients from view?

It's like, let's buy a pair of shoes

and just keep 'em in the box.

It's really not the same thing.

It kind of is.

No, it's actually...

it's not even close to...

you know, why am I defending burritos?

We are missing the show.

(DVR bloops) So, May,

you've had a chance to
think it all through.

Who's it gonna be?

(Pounding)

It's kind of fun if you
do this, get into it.

That's pretty weird.

*

Could he have warned
May any differently?

So is that her boyfriend or something?

No, that... that's the host.

It started as 24 men, then down to...

So is she, like, a famous person or...

She's... she's a regular girl.

But can you just be quiet,
though, so we can hear?

Right. Got it.

Make her final decision as to who...

Hey, do you have anything
else to eat besides burritos?

And obviously not an egg roll,

'cause... same issue.

Coming up next,

we'll see which lucky guy
she chooses.Stay tuned.

I'm sorry, Daniel.

I just realized there's
somewhere else I need to be.

What?

I just don't think we're gonna work out.

Hi!

Well, hello, lovebirds.

No. (Sighs) No lovebirds.

It's not gonna work out.

But thank you so much for
having a chat with him.

That was very cool of you.

I'm pretty cool.

So...

you wanna do stuff?

What do you mean?

You know, like... stuff.

Oh, my God.

I wanna hook up with you

even though June
doesn't want to anymore.

(Gasps) That's growth.

(Robin, voice echoing) That is
growth. I'm proud of you, Chloe.

Thanks, God!

(Chuckles)

Hey.

Hey. I hope it's okay that I'm here.

Yeah. Of... of course.

I couldn't watch the finale without you.

It just wouldn't be the same.

Mark, will you accept...

my silver burrito?

(Laughs)

I will. Yes.

(Laughs) (Laughs)

Did I miss anything?

Yeah, like, 14 commercials
for fabric softener.

So May hasn't given out
her final golden spring?

No. They drag these things out so much.

Yeah. It's okay.

I kind of never want it to end.

Yeah. Me, too.

(Chuckles)

(Man) Don't forget to
tune in this September

for the premiere of "Fall Into Autumn."

(Door slams)

So I didn't bring up

the whole "Mark having
a crush on me" thing

'cause I figured he could
tell me when he's ready.

For now, I just enjoyed
watching the show with my friend.

And that's pretty much it.

I literally didn't need
any of that information.

None of it. From any of you.

You're all here because I wanna know

what happened to Daniel's aunt.

Now where is Agnes Whipple?

Daniel took her back
to the nursing home,

and that's the last time we saw her.

Well, she's not there now.

Agnes Whipple is missing.

(Pounding on window) (Daniel)
Where is she, you monsters?!

That's a weird relationship, right?

I mean, they're way too close.