Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 (2012–2013): Season 2, Episode 12 - The Leak... - full transcript

Mother's day card.

I like to make my own, tell her how I really feel.

Well, Dean Cain's a freakin' hero.

It's all over the internet.

A mobile grooming Van caught on fire,

and Dean saved every single dog inside.

Even the Poodles?

Yeah. What an attention whore.

Oh, no. There's a dead body underneath that tarp.

Oh, it's just puppies!

Ohh. I love you, Dean Cain!



First he's superman on tv. Now he's superman in real life?

How am I supposed to compete with that

on "Dancing with the Stars"?

Oh, no. It's happening. You're in it.

Oh, no. I'm in it.

Wait. Oh. You're in what?

My head. I... ugh! I can't get out!

I can't dance next to superman!

I'm gonna make a fool out of myself on national television.

When that happens, I get in my head. When I get in my head--

It's okay. You can show June. Brace yourself.

This happens. Stress-Induced flop sweat.

James, you need to stop obsessing.

You know what happens when you work yourself up like this.



Remember why you got recast from that Sean Penn movie?

Want to suck on something... cool?

Thanks for getting it started for me.

Wait. Wait. W-W-W--one more.

You try making out

with one of the greatest actors of this generation.

James, you just need to relax and take your mind off things.

Get a little perspective. It's just a dance show.

Yeah, that millions of people watch every week.

I will not be embarrassed on that stage.

I'm gonna get serious.

I'm preparing for the greatest role of my career... me.

♪ but I can tell you ♪

♪ Ba-Da-Da-Da-Da-Ba, ba-Da-Ba ♪

♪ ba-Da-Da-Da-Da-Ba, ba-Da-Ba ♪

Oh, thank you. My grandson just gave it to me for my birthday.

Oh, so you're a pisces. Uh-huh.

Okay, I'm back. Bye, "Murder, she wrote."

Stay dry! Chloe! What the hell?! why can't you just be friendly?!

because friendly's a waste of time.

"Hey, how are you?" "I'm great. How are you?"

"I'm great." Back and forth until you die.

Friendly is not a waste of time.

Friendly has gotten me 700 friends on facebook,

one in each of the 50 states, 3 in guam.

I always know what's going on in guam.

Please. Those people are all fake.

How many of them are your real friends?

How many of them will call you out

if you say "Guac" Instead of "Guacamole"?

ooh, that reminds me, I gotta call James

and tell him he was saying "Primo" Too much last night.

Hello, memo Paris.

What? Who's that?

Kim Basinger's character in "The Natural." Remember?

The succubus who almost destroyed Robert Redford's

baseball career.

Luther, can you stop being gay for one second and put James on?

James is unavailable.

He's begun an intense training Regimen

and wants no distractions.

We've relocated to an undisclosed location.

Put James on the phone!

No.

I am the gatekeeper.

Be gone, succubus.

Luther, you--

99...

100.

We've got a very big task ahead of us.

We've got to prepare my mind and my body

for "Dancing with the Stars."

First the body. What does the workout schedule say?

"Time for ten minutes of resistance work,

followed by light stretching and a quick pee."

Okay.

Now the mind. I'm gonna say some names.

You tell me what they have in common.

Gene Kelly, Fred Astaire, John Travolta.

Male. They were all male.

No. Really?

No, I mean, that's not what they had in common.

They were all dancers who had the mental stamina

to not let their nerves get to them. Now...

unfortunately, I'm not that lucky.

You know who wasn't lucky? Princess Diana.

So I found the best doctor in the country--Dr. Rubenstein.

He's gonna give me these shots underneath my arms

so that I don't sweat, so even if I'm terrified inside,

on the outside, I'll be dry as a flour tortilla.

So don't address the core issue,

just put a temporary band-aid on it? Love.

So my new sofa came.

And?

You were right.

Jennifer chose it for book club.

Oh, that's a fun thing to do together.

It's the one night she drinks wine and gets freaky.

She gets on top, June.

Well, that's great. It's good to have things to aspire to.

Problem is, she takes the discussion very seriously,

and I'm on page 8, of 704.

If I can't find hidden themes,

she puts on her mouth guard and calls it a night.

Ugh. Luther has cut me off from James.

I've been calling and calling, and I can't get through.

I hate that broke-down ho.

I think Luther's nice.

Oh. Really? When did you become his number one super fan?

Yes! Did yours?

Yes!

Hi!

We meet for pedicures once a week now.

Oh, that's so sweet. Has his cycle linked up with yours, too?

See? That is why Luther doesn't like you--because you are rude.

Why would he do anything for you when you're such a bitch to him?

Oh! I get it.

So if I'm nice to Luther, he'll give me access to James.

June, that is the first helpful thing you've ever said to me.

So if I close the bathroom door,

then it's like a little sanctuary?

June, that is the first helpful thing you've ever said to me.

No--You're not gonna listen to me, and you're just gonna

make fun of everything that I have to say.

Come on. You know you want to.

No.

You know, teaching someone to be friendly

is the friendliest thing of all.

Of course I will do it!

Okay. All you need to do is remember the acronym "P.E.N.S."

Pay attention, eye contact, notice details, and smile.

Hey. So you're okay with Wearing ELASTIC waist Pants?

Hi. How are you?

Nice chest balloons. What did those land you?

Produce manager? Mailman?

Which half of you is black?

Hey, you remembered my name. Nice!

What? What am I doing wrong?

There's someone I'd like to introduce you to.

Who is that sinewy morning princess?

This is Kelly Ripa.

She's the friendliest woman on the planet.

Watch her. Learn from her.

What is she laughing about?

I don't care where her and her husband went for dinner.

Although I don't like curry, either,

so I do understand her frustration.

Oh. She got stuck in traffic in the Holland tunnel.

That's happened to me before. Mm-hmm.

She's going around the city to find the best cupcake.

I definitely have opinions on that, Kelly Ripa!

Are there really only 50 shopping days till Valentine's?

What are you gonna get your husband mark?

You paid attention. You made eye contact.

You answered her even though she couldn't hear you.

You are ready.

so he's gonna freak out when he sees you,

But just stay the course.

Didn't this use to be a chinese takeout place?

It still is.

Mrs. Nguyen had the nail salon,

and Mr. Nguyen had a way with Noodles,

so they fell in love, and here we are.

Hi, Mrs. Nguyen! Hi. I'm June Colburn.

I'm friends with the salon on Facebook?

Ahh, yes.

Hey, girl.

I'm just inputting James' calories for the day,

and then I will be r--

Oh, no. No, no, no, no.

Luther...

I'm not telling you where James is.

I understand, and...

I'm not asking you to.

Coffee?

Look, I'm sorry that I've been such a bitch to you.

I'm working on it.

I've just never really been good at people.

I didn't have a grandmother who made pies.

What did your grandma make? Emotional scars?

Yeah.

And a pretty good plum cobbler.

Friars.

That is a fragile plum.

who he is surely boffing, a box of saltwater taffy

from the boardwalk, from atlantic city,

and that's how I got James in so quickly.

Luther, I have to be honest.

At first, I thought you were being a diva

for blocking me from James, but after talking to you,

maybe it is better if James focuses on training

and not have distractions from me.

Yes. Well, James does get very intense

when he's preparing for roles, and I guess I do, too.

So I apologize for calling you a succubus.

That's okay.

I knew you two would work it out.

I have to say, I am pleasantly surprised.

I've seen a different side of you today, Chloe.

What do you say, ladies? Shall we keep this party going?

I got a pack of cigarettes in my freezer,

and I live within shouting distance of Linda Ronstadt.

Chloe?

No one keeps me from my James! So long, suckas!

She got James' phone.

Luther. Finally. I'm parched. Did you get my juice--

Hey, Jorge.

Hey, w-what are you doing here?

I fake-Ripa'd Luther.

I stole your phone from him

and then used the gps to find you.

Can you believe he was trying to keep us from hanging out?

Well, I am training, so...

Where's the fat girl?

What?

The fat girl putting lotion on herself.

Aren't we inside the well from "Silence of the lambs"?

This is my rustic training Bunker.

It's purposely sparse so I can focus.

Yeah, about that, you need to stop doing that.

I'm gonna take you out, and we're gonna have fun,

and you're gonna forget all about your dance recital.

It's not a dance recital. It's--Ooh, let's find a fire escape and throw croutons at people.

Come on. Oh. I just have to do one thing first.

It means she ran out of egg rolls.

What was I thinking, trusting her?

Of course she didn't want to learn how to be friendly.

How many times am I gonna be taken by this girl?

It's like my mother always said. Never trust a tall white woman.

Of course, my mother is Shorter than me,

so that's every white woman.

Here?

Mnh-Mnh.

Mnh-Mnh.

Mnh-Mnh.

Keep--right there.

Wow.

Very small.

if I'm gonna fill that tub up with it.

What are you doing? We're here to have fun

and trash the place, like we always do.

Oh, Chloe, I can't.

I've gotta finish ten rounds of circuit training.

Hey. You're not sweating anymore.

I know. Dr. Rubinstein's shots worked.

I'm terrified inside, but you can't even tell outside.

Great! Let's celebrate by...

Smashing that desk!

Guess Who?

Um, you?

That's right.

What are you doing here? How did you even find us?

I called him.

What? Why?

'Cause I need to stay focused,

and I realized he's the only one who can keep me on track.

Shazam. ♪ Da da-Da da ♪ Luther.

I'd love to ride the glass elevator with you

and flash tourists, but I need to not make a fool of myself

While dancing next to superman.

I can't afford any distractions, and, well, you're a distraction.

Dude, what you need is someone to be real with you.

You need to relax and be yourself

and Stop worrying about it.

Why?! so you can have your playmate back?

That's why you would never make a good friend--

because you're selfish, and you are unsupportive.

No, I'm just not fake

like you and your sinewy morning Princess.

Oh, my God.

are you happy?

You have upset him so much, he is soiling himself.

I didn't soil myself. My sweat must have redirected.

I shut down my armpits. It must have found its way to my thighs!

Dude, it looks like pee.

Smile.

James, someday, I promise,

you're gonna look back and laugh at this.

I'm there now, and it's pretty hilarious.

Oh. I've seen those looks before.

They're the reason I stopped doing stand-up. I'm leaving.

"Let's go rollerblading!"

I end up the mule for a drug deal.

"Let's go see 'daddy day care.'"

I end up on a date with David Arquette's roommate.

June, do you mind? I'm trying to finish "Moby Dick" Here.

I abandoned the reading and went for the audio.

I'm playing it on fast speed.

Sounds like a bunch of boring chipmunks, and I love chipmunks.

You're right, mark. I am sorry.

Unlike Chloe, I am a supportive friend.

Let me know if there's anything I can do to help you.

Totally.

I mean right now, not later, When, uh, Jennifer is on top,

which I remember you mentioning that you liked a lot.

Because I'm a good friend.

Go back to your book, old silly...

want-to-be-on-the-bottom guy.

There's enough here for both of us,

but I'm gonna drink it all.

I am not giving you any of my energy

or my thoughts or my focus.

Yep.

That's what I'm doing.

When friendship blows cold...

it blows icy.

Oh. Good god, woman.

Stop burying me with your word avalanche.

I know you think I'm not a good friend,

but I have reasons for doing what I did.

I stole the phone so I could get to James

and get him out of his head. I know him.

I've seen him obsess about things in the past,

and it never goes Well, so believe it or not,

I actually am looking out for him.

Well, I guess, I mean, you do know him better than anyone--

Plus I sold his sweat photo to the Paparazzi. Look.

It's right here on celeb-Pudding.

Damn it! She got me again.

I should have listened to Luther's mother.

Tall white Women cannot be trusted.

Yeah. I texted him.

Why? Why would she do this?

If it is any consolation, you are dry as a cracker.

I mean it in the saltine way, not the derogatory, honky way.

Look, I've been telling James

he needs to relax and get out of his head.

He's not gonna out-Superman Dean Cain,

so he needs to be everyman. That's who people vote for.

People like their celebrities to have a flaw,

because it makes them real.

Michael J. Fox, for example-- Adored by millions.

Are you tricking me?

Trust me, this is gonna make him more popular than ever.

Hmm.

Did someone send you the Link?

Yeah, like, ten people.

It's the number two trending topic on Yahoo!--

after that footage of all those mice in the tornado.

Chloe's right. It worked. He is popular.

Oh. Uh, not exactly.

"Dawson's Creek springs a Leak,"

uh, "James Van Der weak"...

someone did a meme of his thighs crying,

set to the "Dawson's Creek" Theme.

There are a lot of creative people on the internet...

and I... am one of them.

I made this. "Sax cat."

This is is one sax-y cat. ♪ M-M-Meow meow meow ♪

I know. It totally backfired.

I would have never intentionally hurt James.

Chloe. Oh, damn.

Hi.

Weird you chose tonight to jump over.

My co-workers from the health department are here.

Shonda's retiring. We're giving her a little send-Off.

You guys are all in violation...

of being too sober.

I need to talk to you.

I know, but I'm scared.

Don't be.

I want to thank you.

Thank her?

She just embarrassed you in front of the entire world.

Exactly.

I mean, yeah, at first I was devastated,

but then it hit me--

Nothing that happens on "Dancing with the Stars"

Could possibly be as bad as that.

For the first time in weeks, I'm out of my head. I'm free.

See, that's what I've been trying to tell you.

You're not superman,

but you don't need to be, because you're you.

You're a good friend.

Hey, uh, question--

Did either one of us ever check out of the bergamont?

Wait, wait, how did you do that?

You just told him that he wasn't superman, and he thanked you.

I can't even defriend that weirdo from guam.

Because there is a difference

between being a friend and being friendly.

Why don't you stop being Kelly ripa for a minute,

and try it?

Try what?

Telling someone something they need to hear,

even if they don't want to hear it.

Okay.

Chloe? I think you party too much.

Oh. right to me. Okay, well, that's fine. It's True. I do.

And, James? You do too many christmas movies.

I don't care.

Have you seen the internet? My thighs are crying.

And, Eli--

My boss is here-- Mr. Montgomery,

so not a good time for me.

Okay. All right.

Well, you'll get a rain check for that realness, then.

where you going?

I think I'm gonna go help out another friend.

Whatever.

Whoo! Yeah!

I just think ishmael's struggle against the whale

represents our own journey.

Yes.

Those must be the crullers we ordered from the bakery.

I'm-a eat two.

Mark, I have not been a good friend to you.

I haven't told you what I really think about what's happening.

You shouldn't have to read "Moby Dick"

To get your girlfriend to go on top.

I mean, Jennifer... come on! Just get up there!

You know, hit the lights! Put on a t-shirt!

Do whatever you gotta do! Take your ponytail out!

Don't worry about the double chins!

Just get up there and get in the moment!

Okay.

Friend. Carry on.

Miss piggy--Not real--Unfriend. All of guam... unfriend.

Look, we don't have to like each other,

but we're both in James' life forever.

Correct...

until he gets a wife.

She'll be fiercely jealous of us,

but then we'll unite in our hatred for her.

And slowly prove her to be crazy in James' eyes.

I feel like she'll be called Linda. I hate her.

Linda.

I heard so much about it.

Must be good.

Mmm!

It's really good.