Doctor Who (1963–1989): Season 3, Episode 16 - The Feast of Steven - full transcript

The Doctor, Steven and Sara visit a Liverpool police station on Christmas Day and a Hollywood film set during the 1920s.

Something's gone wrong.

What's the matter, my dear, hmm?

It's stopped going up and down.

That's alright. It means we've landed.

Dear, dear, dear, dear, dear!

Yes, that scanner's not working.

Can you mend it?

Yes, can repair it, of course

but it means checking the whole circuit.

Right, let's get started.

Dah, dah, dah, dah! Don't
you dare touch anything!

Why not?

Well, just look at
those dials, my dear boy.


Look at those dials?

Now, you know what that means?

If either of you went outside,
it would be extremely dangerous.

The whole atmosphere is poisonous!

What in the name of...?

Who put that there?

"When a poor man came in
sight, gathering winter fu-el!"

Here, I reckon we'd charm
the birds of the trees!

I'd settle for some
from the coffee bars.

Here, what about
'While Shepherds Watch'?

Do you think they'd appreciate that?

Hey, no, here's the Sergeant. Come on.

Hello, Sergeant, what
you doing out here?

Here, come and have a look at this.

Well! Where did that come from?

You tell me.

Oh, perhaps somebody sent it to
the Inspector as a Christmas box!

And perhaps you'll both just
stay out here and watch it?

Why? Do you think
it's gonna to fly away?

Just you stay there and keep an eye on it
- right?

And just why, if it isn't safe
for us, is it safe for you?

Will neither of you understand?

For heaven's sake, let's
go and fix the scanner!


Where you come from, in
both places, the air is pure.

Outside there is the worst kind
of pollution I've met in years!

Right then, you shouldn't
go out there either.

Oh, my dear boy, I'm used
to all sorts of atmospheres.

It won't affect me.

I shall have to go out and
do the repairing myself.

But suppose something happens to you?

Then, and only then, can you come out.

But you must be very,
very careful because...

And just how are we supposed to know
that something has happened to you?

My dear young man, just
give me a few minutes and

if all is well, I shall be
back inside again to tell you.

And if not, we come out and find you?

I seem to have been
through all this before!

Now, look here, my boy

you will do as you're told!

Now, you just open the doors...

and remember to close
them after I've gone.

Yes, sir!

Good evening.

Hey, you!

What's up?

See that?

See what?

That then!

What when?

That door!

That door?

It opened!

Did it?

There's a bloke in there.

Oh, aye.

That bloke with a...
with... with long white hair.

I just saw him!

Did ya?


It's locked.

But, I've just saw him!

Oh, aye!

- police.

P... O... L... I... C... E.

Oh, I see.

We've landed on your own planet.

Oh, nonsense child.

We're back on Earth.

But... that's what's
written outside the TARDIS?


Never mind, never mind!

I shall have to go outside
and try and distract them.

Meanwhile, you can stay here for a while

then come out and do the scanner.

Yes, but, you said the
air out there was so bad

that if we came out...

Never mind what I said, my dear boy
- do as you're told.

Now open the doors and remember to
open them and shut them after I've gone!

Yes, sir!

It wouldn't be Father
Christmas would it?

All right, lad, it's a fair cop.


Alright, what can I do for you?

I've got a complaint.

Well, the doctor's
just round the corner.

No, no, no, no!

I... I mean, I want to make a complaint.

Oh, I see.

Well, let's have your name then.

They keep moving me 'ouse.

Moving your what?


"They" keep moving your house?

Yeah, me greenhouse.

It's the revels.

The revels?

Anyone in C.I.D.?

Aye, it's straight through.


Come on.

Haven't I seen your face
before somewhere, hmm?


Yes, of course, I remember now, yes

the market place at Jaffa.


The young chap said I
should come to see you it.

Do what?

About me greenhouse.

It's the revels!

I've heard of a housing shortage

but I never knew it was so bad you'd

have to spend Christmas in a Police Box.

Oh, Christmas! Oh, is it?

Of course, yes, yes, yes, yes!

That accounts for the holly in the hall.

You mean you didn't know?

Well, of course I didn't know!

I travel about too much.

And why is that?

Well, a quest of knowledge, dear boy.

I mean, you have a
saying in this country

have you not, er...
"travel broadens the mind"?

You mean you're not English?

No, good gracious no!



Are you Welsh?

Oh, you'll have to think in
a far bigger way than that!

Your ideas are too narrow,
too small, too crippled!

All right, all right.

What are you then?

Well, I suppose you might say that
I am a citizen of the universe...

and a gentleman, to boot!

He's having us on a bit, in't he, sir?

Now, look lad...

And now they've been and
gone and moved it again.

Oh, where to this time?

I don't know. That's
why I came to see you.

The young chap I said...

You're sure it's not out
there along beside the...?

Oh, here, just a minute.

Er, e... excuse me?

Ah, you must be the new bloke from
'G' Division, come to help us out?

I... I beg your pardon?

I say you must be the new
bloke from 'G' Division?

Must I? Oh! Oh, yes.

Yes, that's right. Erm, yeah, I've, er

I've come about the old man.

Old man? What old man?

Well, he was brought
in here a minute ago.

Oh, he's with C.I.D.

You'd better wait till
they're finished with him.

Ah, yeah, but I've got to get to him.

Well, you'll have to wait, lad.

He'll be out here again soon.

Now wait over there.

Now, what about my greenhouse?

Oh, yes.

Now where was this you said?

Well, for a start,
it's not in me garden...

I don't think you really understand.

That object in the yard out
there isn't really a police box.

No, no, of course it's not.

It's the New Brighton ferry.

It is a machine for investigating
Time And Relative Dimensions In Space.

He's a nutter.

He's straight from a
funny-farm, if you ask me.

Do I take it that you
gentlemen are imputing

that I am mentally
deranged, mm? Mmm? Hmm!

I told you
- he's a nutter.

Is he the only bloke in the box?

Well, how should I know?

Well didn't you check?

There might be a whole
army of the... them in there

living like gypsies in one of Her
Majesty's police telephone boxes!

And just how many people would
you expect to come out of one box?

Where have they got to?

Hello, Hello.

What are you doing hanging
around here on Christmas Day?


Surprised to see a police
box here, I suppose?

Oh, you think it's yours?

Well, not mine exactly, but
let's say it belongs to us, eh?

Er, so why don't you leave it
where it is and just move along, eh?

I've got to fix it.

Fix what?

The scanner eye.

The scanner eye?


Oh, you do?


Oh, well, we usually get the
jokers around here at Christmas time

but we have to be lenient.

So, er, just move along, eh?

I can't.

Oh yes, you can, young lady.
That's enough of joking.

I'm sure you're going to
enjoy yourself at that party

you're going to so why
not go down there now?

I'm not going to a party.

Well, wherever you are going
dressed up in them fancy clothes

you leave now and there
won't be no trouble.

I've got to stay here.

Now you take my advice,
young lady, and leave now.

Otherwise, I might have to run you in
for loitering or somethin' like that.

I wouldn't like to have to do that.

We've had a bit of, er, trouble
like that already tonight.

You see, er, we don't
like people hanging around.

But at Christmas time
we have to be lenient

and we don't want to make
it too difficult for you.

Oh, very well.

Have a... have a...
have a swinging time!

Funny girl...

The idiots!

They've obviously got themselves
into some kind of trouble.

Why won't you sit down, lad?

You're making the place look untidy.

It's all right?

Of course, of course.

And what are you doing here, hmm?

Who are you? Do you know this man?

Yes. Er...

I mean
- aye.

He's just the extra bloke
from 'G' Division, sir.

Er, yeah, it's... it's alright, er

I'll look after him.

Well, if you know him

perhaps you can tell us what
he's doing in a police box?

A what?!

That police box across the yard
- he claims to live in it.

Oh, no.

Just a minute. It'll be
all right, just a minute.

No, er, it's alright.

Er, you see he's a funny feller,
but I know how to handle him.

We're used to him down in 'G' Division.

Very well. Well, get him out of here

and see that he steers
clear of that police box.

Right. I'll do that... sir.

Right, er, come on there, old man.

...much of the old man, either.

What's all this funny accent?

Everybody else is doing it.

I'll come with you and
make sure you can manage.

It's alright!

I know!

Hey you! Hey you, what' you playing at?

Go into the TARDIS
- now hurry!

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Oh.

I don't know what it
is about that police box

but first of all, the
old bloke comes out of it

now I catch this lass
climbing about on it.

It's all right, miss...

Please let me go!

It's all right. I know her too.

Aye, you seem to know
all the queer people.

Well, who is she?

Well, she's a... she's
a friend of the old man's.

Let me go!

Come on, Steven.

Hello, hello? What's up with you?

Here... here, it's gone!


That telephone box
- it's gone.

Weren't it meant for us?

I found this jacket, so they
thought I was one of their group.

And when you appeared on the scene
they were completely mystified.

Well, even I, dear boy, must
admit that I enjoyed myself.

Did you fix the scanner, mm?

I did
- and no help from either of you.

At least it's working.

Have you checked it?

Of course not.

After that man grabbed
me I didn't have a chance.

Never mind, never mind.
Is the Taranium safe?

Yes, over there.

Oh, I'd forgotten about the Daleks.

Now, that's one thing
you mustn't do, my dear.

Remember they have the same type
of machines and they can follow us.

Yes, but they won't have
found out about the switch yet.

No, I sincerely hope not.

Well, while we have the
Taranium their plan cannot work.

I don't think the Daleks
will attack the Sos...

the Solar System until they've
checked their Time Destructor.

Then what can we do?

Well, I think we might,
perhaps, be able to destroy

the Taranium before they catch us up.

I think we've stopped again.

Yes, we might, er, we
might still be on Earth.

Wait a minute.

Oh, no, the atmosphere
has... improved considerably.

Yes, let's have a look at the
scanner. It might tell us something.

The door!

Oh, No! No! No!

This saw will take care of you, and
then my secret will be safe forever.

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Oh! No! Help me! Somebody
help me, please! Oh!

Your cries cannot be heard!

The saw-mill is miles from anywhere!


What are you doing?

Oh! Somebody! Oh! Stop!


Oh, no, no, no, no!

Stop! Stop! Who let those bums in here?

Steinberger! They've
ruined my scene! Oh!

It's that guy ? DeMille!

He's trying to sabotage me!

Get those bums outta here!

What are you doing?! Come back here!

Did you see those two?


I want them back here!

Pipe down now! There's
no camera running now!

Save it for the later take.

Hey you!

I want those two back here.

He's great! Bigger than Fairbanks!

Well, don't just stand there...

...go get them!


Where's Sara?

Oh, I must've lost her. Where are we?

In here
- quick!

Oh, oh.

...and then I will
come to you on my camel

and sweep you away across the desert!

No! No! Terrible!

Okay, Harry. Cut down
at twenty-three...

You've got to give it more feeling.

She's not a sack of potatoes.

No. He is de sack of potatoes.

Vere did you find him
- on a rubbish dump?

I resent that!

Iggy! Iggy! Did you see them?

Who? Who?

A guy and a gal.

They just beat the living
daylights out of my camera crew.

It was great!

Perhaps you like your film
interrupted, but I do not.

Please do not interrupt
me when I am creating.

Ah, Mr. Ke-noff?
Mr. Ke-noff?

Knopf! Ingmar Knopf!

Mr. Knopf. Ah, Professor
Webster is here, sir.

Ah, good! Send him to me at once.

I need him in this next scene.

Yes sir.

Very good.

You should have seen him! He was great!

Bigger than Fairbanks!

I've got to find a name
for him! Something suave!

Please, look, please do whatever
you like, but leave me alone!

Get off my set! I'm
trying to make a film!

Who is this girl?

If she's one of the harem, why is
she wearing that peculiar clothing?

Tell her to get them off!

Oh, shut up!

Alright, alright.

No, I must find Sara.

You think she's still in this place?

I'll try up there first
- you wait here.

Oh, there you are! Everybody's waiting.

No. Not...

Now don't argue! Come on!

No. You... You're making
a terrible mistake.

I'm... I'm not who...

Doctor! No. No, please.

This is quite ridiculous. I...

I have nothing to do with your film...

Now where's he got to?

We need him to do that scene again.

"And then I will come to you... "

"And then I will come to you. "

"And then I will come to you...

on my camel and I will sweep
you away across the desert!"

All right. All right.

Professor Webster isn't here yet, so
please don't exhaust your capabilities.

Now look here, Mister Ke-noff!

Knopf. Ingmar Knopf.


You can't talk to me
like that. I am an actor!

What! He is not an actor.
You are a cheap pig!

Get lost, Fraulein!

Hey did you find your sword?

No, I didn't, Mike..


All right, all right!

Saw it a little...

...saw it just down here.

Professor Webster! Where
have you been all this time?

We've been waiting for you.

As our expert on Arabian
customs we need your help.

Certainly, certainly! My help!

Oh, I shall be delighted! Yes!

How very good, Professor!

Doctor, please!

Oh, Doctor!

This is... an... a rich Sheik's tent.

Oh, yes, and who's this?

She's an Arabian princess.

Nonsense! You put some more
clothes on, child. Go along.

And what's all this?

What are you doing in
there? Please, get out!

You are in the next scene.
A harem scene, please!

Come on
- to the wardrobe!

But Dr. Webster! Where are you going?

Sara, where have you been?

I don't know.

But a strange man kept telling
me to take my clothes off!

Now, come along. We must
go back to the TARDIS.

This is a madhouse.

It's all full of Arabs! Come along.

Sure, baby, sure.

I know it was a bit of a shock.

You're tryna get ridda me!

You don't want me as your star any more!

Of course I do, baby. You're great!

Okay, Charlie, what about those props?!

told you I don't want those
kids for your kind of a picture.

But, you said you were going to
make him bigger than Fairbanks.

I suppose you're going to
make her bigger than Pickford!

No, Charlie. I mean props!

No, honey, no.

She's not that kind of a girl.

You're the one I'm gonna make great.

Now look, you're gonna...

you're gonna take one
more take, huh. Please?

Oh, all right. But
this'll be the last time.

Sure, sure.

Quiet everybody. Set up for a take!

Set up for a take!

Set up for a take!


I've already told you!

Stop! Stop those two!

Hey, you two! Come back here!

Stop those two!

No! No, no, no, no! Oh!

Come on, Sara!

Stop those two!

Stop those two!

Come back, you two!

Typical. When you're new
around here, they chase you.

But after a while
- you're off.

What's that

All the time they want something new.

New jokes? There aren't any.

Aren't there? Well,
that's a joke in itself!

What are you doing?
Get them out of here!

And will you please tell
that girl to get changed?

Yeah, yeah, Mr. Knopf.

Custard pies have been done by
Chaplin, so I'm not allowed to.

Hmm, quite, quite. Now
would you mind moving...?

Buckets of water, done by
Chaplin. Banana skins...

...all done by Chaplin!

Now we start in close, yeah, see?

And then we'll dolly
back down along there.

Hey, where's Webster?

Wh... wh... what?


Which way did they go?

What are you up to?

Please, where's Webster?

They came through here!

Where did they go?

Two fools rushed over there somewhere.


Where's Webster?

Where's Webster?!

They won't even let me do the
wallpaper and paste routine.

You know why?

Done by Chaplin?


Now, would you excuse me?

I'll tell you something

that little Englishman
has done everything.

I think I'll give it
up and take to singing.


But, who'd use a singer with

a name like Bing Crosby?

Custard pies! Bing Crosby! Ha!


Steinberger, just when are
we gonna do my scene, huh?

What great trick! They just disappeared!

Where are we gonna find Professor
Webster? Where's Webster?

wanna use it!

How's it done?!

Come back!

Come back, Webster! Come back!

Excuse me.

What do you want?
Can't you see I'm busy?

I'm Professor Webster.

- you?

Yes, Professor Webster.


Whatever was that place?

Oh, I've no idea. I'm glad we got away.

What were they doing?

Your guess is as good as mine.

Let's hope we never land there again.


Here we are.

What's this?

Well, we so rarely get a chance to
celebrate, but this time... we must.


Yes. It's Christmas.

Is it?

Don't you remember? The
police station ? Christmas?

So it was, yes.

Here's a toast
- a Happy Christmas to all of us.


Same to you, Doctor, Sara.



...a happy Christmas
to all of you at home!