Doctor Who (1963–1989): Season 25, Episode 7 - The Happiness Patrol: Part Three - full transcript

I want to find out if there's an artist
appearing in the Forum tonight.

I'll just have a look at my list.

Her name's Ace.

I can't do anything until
I find my list, now can I?

Oh dear. Doesn't look like Daphne S
went down too well, now does it?

Big smiles, girls!

It's showtime!

Look at them, Fifi.

Dreary clothes, turgid music and terrible
deportment. Oh, they really are so depressing!

Happiness will prevail.

Happiness Patrol Section F, prepare
to affect a large scale disappearance.



A drone demonstration is moving towards
Forum Square. Proceed there directly.

Take no prisoners.

- Ace Sigma, wasn't it?
- Yes.

- What does she do then?
- Do?

Sing, dance, juggle, magic, vent or impressions?

She makes things disappear.

Magic.

There's nothing magical about the way she does it.

No, I've nothing down here under magic. But I can do
you an Ace Sigma on the miracle survival act.

What's that mean? No, don't tell me.
If she survives, it's a miracle.

There we are. And the last one...

Oh, there we are, my darling. All mended!

We're a team, Fifi, you
and I. We help each other.

And we will make this a happy planet, in spite
of all the killjoys and bunglers that surround us.



If they're miserable, we'll put them out of
their misery. After all, it's for their own good.

But first of all, a little harmless revenge.
You take the vermin in the pipe.

I'll take the vermin at the Forum.

This is a public happiness announcement. A
depression is moving towards Forum Square.

The proper authorities will
restore harmony and peace.

- Doctor.
- Trevor Sigma.

Come to see the fun? Or is
that classified information?

No, I'm leaving this planet.
I've completed my census.

Oh, that's it?

- And where's the Galactic Census Bureau sending you next?
- Earth.

- Are you been there?
- Once or twice.

Miserable sort of place.

You're making me feel nostalgic. Wait a minute.

You can't give these names. I
know them. Harold V, Silas P...

- They may have lived here once but...
- They've disappeared.

I know! Strange, isn't it?

Don't ask me why, but
that is what they wanted.

How long was it since you were last on this planet?

Six months ago.

So, this represents six months'
worth of Helen A's handiwork.

- A list of the disappeared.
- That's right.

- Over there!
- What?

In the shadows. A killjoy. Dark coat, drooping
shoulders, a tear glistening on the cheek bone.

Summary execution.

Not this time, Priscilla. Save
it for the drones. Drive on.

It's still the same old story, a fight
for love or glory, a case of do or die.

Earl!

The drones are on their way.

Thank you, Earl. Everything's
beginning to fall into place.

As time goes by.

You're late!

Doctor!

You don't know how happy
I am to see you, Ace!

I'm glad your happy, Doctor.

But now it's fun time! Have a nice death!

Doctor!

It's all right, Ace. They can't shoot me,
because they see before them a happy man.

And their logic tells them, twisted though it
may be, that as such, they have no power over me.

I may have been some time ago a little
grouchy, perhaps, a little bad-tempered,

but not today. No, because today the
Doctor and the drones are having a ball!

You can't do it, Happiness Patrol Section B.

You can't go down in the history of
the galaxy as a bunch of partypoopers!

The only killjoys in this square are over there!

Wretched, snivelling creatures,
wallowing in their own...

Weltschmerz!

Weltschmerz! All except Susan Q and
Ace, who are happy to see me!

Very happy.

Priscilla P, stop it.

Come on, Professor, get this heap of junk moving!

- Lovely evening.
- Yes, dear.

It's the sort of evening that
makes you happy to be alive.

I said it's the sort of evening that
makes you feel happy to be alive.

Oh, yes, dear. I'm glad you're happy.

And I'm happy you're glad.

Happiness will prevail. Chaos in Forum Square.

Fighting has broken out in the ranks of the
Happiness Patrol itself. Happiness will prevail.

No matter how hard I try, no matter how much
work I put in, something always happens.

Even moments like this aren't sacred! But one day
we will be happy. One day I will be appreciated.

Yes, dear.

Here. You wait for Fifi. I shall
obviously have to deal with this myself.

Yes, dear.

Where to now, Professor?

To the top.

Keep playing!

Enjoy yourself!

Strictly speaking, P., this game is
for killjoys. And I am not a killjoy.

You pick up a lot on the streets.

You can see it in their eyes, you can feel
their fear. They know you're watching them.

That is Helen A.

Ignore it! It's just a recording!

It's not a recording. I'm broadcasting live.

Put down your gun and release Daisy K.

But she's a killjoy! I arrested her myself.

I'm losing my patience. Put down your gun.

What shall I do, ma'am?

You're in the waiting zone. Wait.

Here's company, Professor.

Doctor!

Ah, Wulfric, Wences.

That sounds like a Stigorax. I haven't met one since I was in Birmingham in the twenty fifth century.

Ruthless, intelligent predators.

Danger! Fifi!

Fifi? That wouldn't be Fifi as in Fifi the annoying
rat you claim to have blown to smithereens?

Nobody's perfect, Professor.

Including Fifi.

This way, I think.

That way. Danger!

Precisely!

So... What are we left with after this little
local difficulty in Forum Square? Remind me.

A posse heading out to the sugar factories,
and the Doctor and his gang roaming the city.

Nothing insoluble there. The factories are heavily
defended and we'll soon track down the Doctor.

He may have gone down into the pipes.

Excellent. Then we'll leave Fifi to deal with him.

What was that?

Sounded like an A flat to me.

- Why are we whispering?
- I'll tell her.

Crystallized syrup. As it
ages, It becomes unstable.

So any loud noise could set off an avalanche.

Hardly any loud noise; just certain loud noises.

Crucial.

I want you to go down the other end with the pipe people.

Come on Professor.

And take Susan Q and with you. Come on. Bang!

Earl, give me an A-flat.

- Eh?
- No, A-flat.

- Why?
- Resonance. Sympathetic vibrations.

Aren't you familiar with Doctor John
Wallace's paper to the Royal Society in 1677?

Play.

Wrong note. Give me an A!

- Isn't this dangerous?
- Yes. Keep playing!

Happiness will prevail.

Factory guards are joined forces with the drones

to destroy the Nirvana sugar
beet plant here in sector six.

We will quite broadcasting...

It's only one factory, Daisy K.
I've built over a thousand.

What about reports of riots
and public unhappiness?

Simple. We need someone who knows
the streets like the back of her hand,

someone who is a good fighter, and
someone above all, who is fiercely loyal.

Who would you suggest? Priscilla P, perhaps?

She's a fanatic.

That's how I like them. Get me the waiting zone.

Get me the Kandyman.

You're not unhappy about something.

I said get me the Kandyman!

Kandyman.

I want the Doctor, and I want him
now. I don't care what you do,

I don't care how far you have to go.

That won't be necessary.

Why not?

He's just popped in.

Kandyman. I don't believe you meet my friend Ace.

An expert in calorification, incineration,
carbonization and inflammation.

I beg your pardon.

She's come to look at your oven.

Has she indeed?

Then she should wait to be asked. Impolite
guests get to feel the back of my Kandy hand!

That may be, Kandyman. But last time we met, you said you were going to kill me.

Really, Doctor?

Thank you for reminding me.

I wouldn't give that pimplehead a
hundred to one against you, Professor.

Pimplehead indeed! I'm
disappointed in you, Doctor.

I expected you to choose
your friends more carefully.

Still, she won't be a
friend much longer, will she?

I agree; you are a pimplehead!

I'm finding this rather tiresome.

- Heads or tails, Doctor.
- Tails. Well?

That would be telling.

You're playing a dangerous game, Kandyman.

That red-hot poker could cut through you like a knife through butterscotch.

I have to bow, however reluctantly, to
your logic. Which leaves me only one alternative.

Quick Ace! Open the oven door!

What about the Kandyman?

He'll keep. He's full of colouring,
flavouring and preservative.

Blissful, isn't it, Doctor? Silence.

Not quite. I can hear the
sound of empires toppling.

And all thanks to this lady and her fun gun,

She can take out a loudspeaker playing muzak at a hundred paces.

Can I have a go, Professor?

Wanton destruction of public
property? Certainly not.

Wicked!

No reply.

He must still be in the Kandy Kitchen.

- I've already tried there.
- Try it again.

Where he can be?

Close to the Kandyman, were you?

I made him.

Really? How very interesting.

Only his body. His mind was very much his own.

I certainly don't recall the chap ever arriving.

He was born in the Kandy Kitchen.

Whereas you came from Vasilip, if memory serves.

I was exiled from Vasilip. I
brought his bones here in a suitcase.

Exiled, you say?

I made a mistake. I was
working in the state laboratories.

Without realizing it, I invented a deadly new germ.

The disease wiped out nearly half the population.

Still, hardly your fault.

Can't you just pack him up and start again?

Not this time. He's better off
this way. The Kandyman's gone.

- Will you be away long?
- Away?

You're packing a suitcase. I assumed...

Why should I be going away?

I just thought... the situation here.

There's nothing wrong, is there, Daisy K?

No, of course not. Everything's fine.

Happiness will prevail.

One hundred and twelve factories have now fallen

to the rebels as they
continue their drive westward.

As you said, Daisy K,
everything is fine. I'm happy.

I'm glad you're happy.

[Escape shuttle ready for take off.]

Are we under the palace now?

Yes. This is where we get in.

Wulfric, Wences, this is a point
where we must say goodbye.

Doctor!

No protests. Soon you'll be
back in the sugar fields.

Something's taking off.

Yes. It sounds like a shuttle.

[Shuttle in orbit.]

[Receiving incoming communication.]

Gilbert M!

It's all working quite beautifully,
Helen A, as you can see.

A masterful piece of engineering,
even though I say it myself.

You betrayed me!

My only complaint is the company.
I don't know how you put up with it.

How did you get into my escape shuttle?

That's what I was saying. The captain let me in.

Who is this captain? Let me see him.

Goodbye, dear.

What are you doing there? You're
supposed to be waiting for Fifi!

Really dear? It must have slipped my mind.

- I was looking for Helen A. Perhaps you could tell me where...
- You're too late, Doctor.

She's gone, but I'm delighted to see you.

Susan Q! Who taught you to shoot like that?

- She did.
- Oh, thank you, Daisy K.

- Are you all right, Professor?
- Splendid.

Hello, face-ache.

Yeah, no more lift music.

Unless it sounds like this.

You can't get away, Helen A.

There's a scheduled flight in an
hour. You can't stop me, Doctor.

Oh, I know I can't. But it's not
me you're running away from.

Who is it, then?

Yourself. That's why you'll never escape.

They understood you only too
well. That's why they resisted you.

I wanted only the best for them.

The best?!?
Prisons? Death squads? Executions?

They only came later. I told them to be happy.

But they wouldn't listen. I gave them every chance.

Oh, I know they laughed sometimes,
but they still cried. They still wept.

Don't you ever feel like weeping, Helen A?

Of course not, Doctor. It's unnecessary.
And those who persisted had to be punished.

Why?

For the good of the majority.

For the ones who wanted to be happy - who
wanted to take the opportunities that I gave them.

And what were these
opportunities that you gave them?

A bag of sweets? A few tawdry
party games? Bland soulless music?

Do these things make you happy? Of course
they don't! Because they're cosmetic.

Happiness is nothing unless it
exists side by side with sadness.

Two sides, one coin.

You can keep your coin, Doctor. And
your sadness. I'll go somewhere else.

I'll find somewhere where there is no sadness.

A place where people know how to enjoy themselves.

I'm sure you will, Helen A.

A place where people are strong,
where they hold back the tears.

A place where people pull themselves together.

- Where there is no compassion.
- Where there is control!

A place where there is no love.

I always thought love was overrated.

- Fifi!
- Fifi?

Fifi!

Shouldn't we do something, Professor?

'tis done.

This is all your fault, Priscilla.

I'm glad you're happy, Daisy.

Well, it's been a long night, and I think
we ought to be off. What about you, Earl?

Think I'll hang out here for a while, Doc. See if I can teach this planet the blues again.

Yes, thank you for giving them back to us, Doctor.

The blues.

Oh yes. There aren't any other
colours without the blues.

Will they be all right, Professor?

Happiness will prevail.