Doctor Who (1963–1989): Season 25, Episode 6 - The Happiness Patrol: Part Two - full transcript

The Doctor and Earl manage to escape from the Kandy Man and join up with the planet's natives, the Pipe People, enlisting their help to rescue Ace.

Welcome to the Kandy Kitchen, gentlemen.

I'm sure the pleasure's all ours.

I do hope so. I like my volunteers
to die with smiles on their faces.

Evil! What's going on here?

It's of no consequence.

I'd say they were rather upset about something.

They're fools.

They think they can achieve
something with their march.

A demonstration! Wicked!

All they will achieve is their extinction.

So Helen A doesn't allow demos.
I could have guessed as much.

Of course she allows demonstrations.

But these are killjoys and worse than that.
They're drones.


Workers from the flatlands. It is
forbidden for them to enter the city.

That's why they will never leave it alive.

You're scared of them, aren't you?

Up the killjoys!


Gordon Bennett!

This is where you come in, gentlemen.
The interesting part: the tasting.

May we ask what it is?

A labour of love, Doctor, a labour of love.

I didn't know you were the caring type.

Just because Helen A prefers my ugly side, that
doesn't mean I don't care. Does it, Gilbert M?

- Gilbert M!
- No, no, of course not.

Thank you.

And just because she employs me as her
executioner that doesn't mean I can't be creative.

No need to worry, gentlemen.

Tonight you see before you the
artistic, sensitive side.

I make sweets. Not just any old sweets,
but sweets that are so good, so delicious,

that sometimes, if I'm on form, the human physiology is not equipped to bear the pleasure.

Tell them what I'm trying to say, Gilbert.

He makes sweets that kill people.


I like your new prison.

On Terra Alpha...

Yeah, yeah. On Terra Alpha you don't have prisons.

We have the waiting zone instead.

And the waiting zone moves to different places
in the city according to the time of the night.

Waiting zone! Who do you're kidding?

Some people don't have to remain
in the waiting zone for very long.

Now, let's see what we've got for you.

Before you start, there was something I wanted
to ask you about that's been worrying me.

It's the executions.

What about them?

Well out there, people don't seem to
know what method you use. I was intrigued.

I didn't realize that you were concealing an
interest in the mechanics of execution, Doctor.

A man after my own soft-centre.

I was just curious.

The secret's in the pipes.
Vanilla secret... Tomorrow night, I think

Just when the victim thinks
he's been pardoned, it flows

into the yard and smothers
him. It's ingenious, isn't it?


We call it the fondant surprise!

Is there any way of stopping it once it starts moving?

The foam can be diverted down another pipe.

But I'm not going to tell you how.
Anyway, it's a hypothetical question.

What reason could I possibly
have for stopping an execution?

Um, you said soft-centre.

Did I?

Yes, you said soft-centre instead
of heart. What is your heart made of?

Difficult to say. It's all in there somewhere.

Caramel, sherbet, toffee, marzipan,
gelling agents. It's all in motion.

Ah, a movable feast, eh?

- Very droll, Doctor.
- So you're perfectly adapted to your environment.


Protected against everything, that is, except for the intense heat

- from that open oven behind you.
- What?

I said protected against everything

except for that intense heat
from the open oven behind you.


And of course, the adhesive effect of carbonated H2O and citric acid.

Lemonade, to you.


Gilbert, where are you?

Gilbert, come here!



Gilbert, they're getting away
from here! You'll be sorry!

Sweet dreams.




What's this?

I'll show you...

Just trying to be friendly.

It's some kind of explosive device.

I used to work with explosives
when I was in Happiness Patrol B.

The anti-terrorist squad.

We worked the night shift.
I like working late at night.

I'm not interested.

Night time's when
they come out.


The Killjoys!

Manic, reactive, endogenous.
We got them. All of them!

What do you mean you've got them?

They disappeared.

You make me sick!

I did a good job and then they put me on this. It
was unfair. I knew the streets, I was a fighter.

No you not. You're a killer!

Yes, she is.

I am what I am.

It's crystallized sugar. This pipe
must have carried some sort of...


What do you think?

Not good, but I have tasted the real thing.

It's definitely past its best, so we can assume
that nothing's been pumped down here for some time.

I wonder why.

How would you describe
the Kandyman's confection?

It could only be the work
of a schizophrenic obsessive.

Wait until we're in another section.

Why are you whispering?

There's tons of crystallized syrup above us.

Ah, any sudden noise could cause it to collapse.

Not any noise. Just certain noises.

That's reassuring.

- Where have you been?!?
- Ingredients.

Leaving me to be humiliated...
You'll suffer for this!

Anything you say, Kandyman.

You'll pay for this. I'm going to crush you!

That's it. Scream and shout, rant and rave...

But remember this, Kandyman: symbiosis.

You need me and I need me.

You need you?

I need me.

I need you and you need you?

That's right.

And just as you squeeze the breath out of
me. Your hand tightens around your own throat!

Oh look. Some sort of footprint.

I wonder what sort of creature could've left that.

That kind of creature.

It's all my fault. You'd be
all right if you hadn't met me.

It would have happened sooner or later. I'm not
Helen A's idea of good Happiness Patrol material.

She won't shed any tears over
me. Let's face it, no one will.

Even if they wanted to, it wouldn't be allowed.

But what now?

I'll just disappear along with the rest of them.

Just another of Helen A's victims.

I won't let it happen.
We'll escape. I'll save you.

Don't worry. I'm happy that it's
finally over. It's funny that, isn't it?

It's the first thing that
I've been happy about for ages.

Back weapons!

No weapons. Just a brolly.

Weapons! Weapon!

Easy, easy.


What did you say?


He's hip for a little guy!

He's been taking lessons.
So you've met my friend Ace?

Not Ace. Brave girl. Captive.

That sounds like Ace. Brave girl, captive.
If only she'd listen to what I tell her...

- Not Ace. Gordon.
- Gordon?


Happiness will prevail.

Happiness Patrol Section C,
please standby

for the first stage of a routine disappearance.

And don't forget: when you
smile, I want to see those teeth!

I think I'll let you handle this one.

Time for you to go.

- Leave her alone!
- I'm not ready!

- No one ever is.
- Steady.

Just let me say goodbye to my friend. Please!

Why? What's the point? Take her away!

Just one question: how do you live with yourself?

She was never any good. She
never had the right attitude.

She never joined in. She wasn't part of the team.

She was my friend!


What's wrong with these little guys?

Well, they may not look like it,
but they're on the edge of starvation.

No sugar in the pipes.

But can't they live on the surface?

They used to, but they were driven
down here by the human settlers.

- Can't someone help them?
- Yes. Us.

Ah, here we are.

Seventh manhole
on the right. I'll go first.

It's been a privilege.

We shall return.


- I'm the Doctor. Haven't we met?
- I'm sorry. That's classified information.

- You're Trevor Sigma, aren't you?
- Galactic Census Bureau. I ask the questions.

You ask the questions?
- I'm sorry, that's classified information.

- Address?
- Which one?

If you live here, I need a town and a street.
If you're an alien, I need a home planet

except when you spend more than
half of the working year away,

in which case I need a planet of origin.

- That's classified information. Name?
- What?

- I ask the questions. Name?
- Uh, Trevor Sigma.

- Address?
- Galactic Centre.

- What's going on?
- Questionnaire.

- Occupation?
- Galactic census Bureau.

Authorized to enter any Alphan
property and interview all Alphans.

Good. Take me to their leader.

- Got places to go, Doc.
- I'll find you later.

- How?
- The brandy of the damned.

Oh, the blues! You're a
nice guy, Doc - but a little weird.

Enough of the little.

That's nice. It makes me
feel sort of... sort of...


Yes. That's it! A pleasant melancholy.

Priscila P was overpower by a
defenceless girl and the vermin.

Is it a joke, Daisy K?

No, ma'am.

Oh, what a shame. I enjoy a good joke.

Where did this guerrilla unit disappear
to after they had dealt with Priscilla P?

They went down the pipes.

The pipes! Excellent! Fifi's been eating far too
many chocolates lately, haven't you, my darling?

She could do with a bit of sport!

Here we are. Look at that.

I can't believe we're doing this again.

- The mark three.
- Roof duty.

The prototype for the mark four
must be ready.

For the women?

Don't see any women doing roof duty.

Women always get the better jobs.

Women always get the best guns.

Nice pipes. Reminds me of Perivale.


Well, not that nice.

Own bed.

Be careful with that can,
or we'll end up as graffiti.

Will you can this way, gentlemen?

It's Trevor Sigma, dear, and, er...

I'm glad to see you again, Trevor.
I don't think I've had the pleasure.

It's no pleasure, I can assure you.

How very kind.

Are you with the bureau as well?

I'm sorry, that's classified information. I
understand you're responsible for this planet.

We do our best.

And this is The Happy Planet?

I think you'll find everyone
on Terra Alpha is very happy.

Some people on Terra Alpha
are very difficult to find.

Well, I'm sure Trevor Sigma will sniff
them out for you. Won't you Trevor?

I'm sorry, he's not
allowed to answer that.

I'm glad you're here, Trevor.

I wanted to tell you that I've adopted the
Bureau's recommendations on population control.

- Which were?
- To control it.

We have controlled the population
down by seventeen per cent.

I'm sure you have.

Overcrowding has been quite eliminated.

No more queues at the post office.

And did you use the Bureau's programme?

Not quite. I found my own
programme to be more effective.

Oh, if you'll excuse me, gentlemen.
Joseph C will take care of you.

I say, Trevor, do we have to go
through with this census business?

Things haven't changed much
since you were last here.

Full planetary census every six
local cycles. That is the rule.

Oh, very well. A dash of lemonade and I'll
show you the Floral Clock. What about, um...

Is he coming?

He can't. He has a prior engagement.

Where are you going?

Remember, Trevor: I ask the questions.

Routine disappearance number
five hundred thousand and five.

Calling Happiness Patrol Section C.
Preparations are now complete.

Stand by to escort killjoy to
execution yard. Happiness will prevail!

- Population control?
- Look, who are you?

And which member of the population are
you controlling today? Just for the record.

A woman who disappointed me.

And how did she disappoint you? No, let me guess.

She enjoyed the feel of rain upon her face. Or
perhaps her favourite season was the autumn.

You talk too much, whoever you are.

- Is that a question?
- No.

Good. I'm the Doctor.

Still no luck?
I'd have that seen to if I were you.

A touch more lemonade?

Thank you.

Strange chap.

- There!
- Where?


- Which way?
- Trapped!

Gorden Bennett! The nitro, quick!
The can!

Keep down!

What's happening to me? Help me!

It's quite simple. Created as you are out
of glucose-based substances,

your joints need constant
movement to avoid of coagulation.

What do you mean?

You're turning into a slab of toffee. I
saw this problem at the planning stage.

And then I realized what the solution was.

And what was that?

I've forgotten.

That sounds like a three star brandy to me.

Hey Doc, there's a demonstration.
Workers from the sugar factory

are striking over Happiness Patrol murders.

I'll come and talk to them.

It's too dangerous. They're
pinned down by a couple of snipers.

Oh dear, I'd better hurry. I've
got to get to the Kandy Kitchen.

Not the Kandy Kitchen!

Don't worry. I'll deal with the snipers.

Pick your gun up.

Why? There's no one there.

You're right. They've all gone to ground.

I don't mind. Good luck to them.

Shut it!

Wait a minute.

There's one.

It's all right.

I'll have him. Just let him get a little closer.


- He's not a drone.
- He's fair game. And you're headed that way.

All right, come on. Come and say hello.


Get back! He'll use the gun.

Yes, I imagine he will. You like guns, don't you?

This is a specialized weapon.
It's designed for roof duty,

designed for long range. I've
never used one closeup before.

- Let him go.
- No!

No. In fact, let's get a little closer.

Stay where you are.

Why? Scared? Why should you be
scared? You're the one with the gun.

That's right.

- And you like guns, don't you?
- He'll kill you.

Of course he will. That's what guns are for!

Pull the trigger, end a life.
Simple, isn't it?


- Makes sense, doesn't it?
- Yes!

A life killing life!

- Who are you?
- Shut up!

Why don't you do it then? Look me in the eye,
pull the trigger, end my life.

- No.
- Why not?

- I can't.
- Why not?

- I don't know.
- You don't, do you? Throw away your gun.

And so you have been sentenced, to
the severest penalty decreed by Helen A.

- I'm glad.
- I'm happy you're glad.

Patrol! Dismissed.

Excellent! The fondant surprise.

We seem to have an execution.

Shall I oblige since you appear to be bogged down?

Just get me unstuck!


Come on, what are you moaning about now?

- Voompip!
- Voompip?

- Thompip!
- Thompip?

- Boompip!
- Boompip?

- Doompipe!
- Doompipe!

Why didn't you say?


Don't let the Happiness Patrol
see you looking like that.

A big smile, please.

Unstick me!

I'll unstick you if you divert the flow.

It's a deal.

Come on, come on.

It's Trevor, dear. He has a few questions to ask you.

Not now.

They'll suffer for this!

And only when they're screaming to
go back under the pipe will I oblige.

- No.
- What?

- You can't.
- What you mind?

Constitutional rules of the system.

When the mechanics of an execution malfunction,

the aforementioned
execution may not be repeated.

Oh dear, what a nuisance.

So they are now protected
from the fondant surprise?

Rules of the system.

Rules of the system?

Which further go on to say that an
alternative execution may be substituted.


So you trusted me then, Doctor?

But of course.

Very wise. I am a Kandyman of my word.

But now our bargain is over.
It's time to kill you.

I thought you might have said that.
Ah well, here we go again.

No! Gilbert! Gilbert!

Gilbert! Where are you?

You were very lucky just now.

I'm not frightened of you.

No? You're going to audition for
the Late Show at the Forum.

The Late Show?

It's the Happiness Patrol audition.

But you're in the Happiness Patrol already.

Not any more. Joseph!

A big smile, dear!

It's been a quiet night.

Yes, well, it's been a busy one for me.

So what now?

I've lost my friend Ace. I
think I know where to find her.

- When's the show?
- In five minutes. You'll catch it if you're quick.

Five minutes? Why are they only putting the posters up now?

They're just for appearances. We always have
a full house, because attendance is compulsory.

Run and get the demonstrators
and bring them to the Forum.

What if they don't want to come?

Go find a way. I'll meet you here later.


I want to find out if there's an artist
appearing in the Forum tonight.

I'll just have a look at my list.

Her name's Ace.

I can't do anything until
I find my list, now, can I?

Oh dear. Doesn't look like Daphne S
went down too well, now does it?