Doctor Who (1963–1989): Season 25, Episode 5 - The Happiness Patrol: Part 1 - full transcript

The Doctor and Ace arrive on the earth colony of Terra Alpha, a colony that is under the misguided dictatorship of Helen A. On Terra Alpha, sadness and misery are capital crimes, and "killjoys' (anyone who does not adhere to these strict laws) are executed on the spot by Helen A's secret police, a motley crew of female assassins known only as "The Happiness Patrol". The Doctor and Ace make it their mission to put a stop to Helen A's harsh regime, but that's all easier said than done. What with The Happiness Patrol, undercover snoop Silas P, and Helen A's carnivorous little pet Fifi to contend with, they can do with all the help they can get, joining forces with Earl Sigma, rogue Happiness Patrol member Susan Q and the native inhabitants of Terra Alpha who were driven into the pipes and sewers of the colony. There is one threat that the Doctor hasn't banked on - Helen A's prized chief executioner, a crazed android and creator of killer confectionery. This robotic menace is known only as The Kandy Man, and he's not one to be trifled with.

Psst!! Do you want to talk about it?

I don't talk to strangers.

Perhaps I can help.

I didn't ask for any help.

You know you shouldn't sit here. It's dangerous.

I don't care anymore. Let them get me.

You don't have to face your
suffering alone, you know.

What do you mean?

There's a place. A secret place. Where some
of us gather to indulge their depressions,

to share their miseries, with
other killjoys, like you and me.

I'm not a killjoy!

That's what they would call you. You interested?


Oooh, it changed my life.
Here's my card. Go on, take it!

"Silas P"

Other side!

But it says...

Happiness Patrol, Undercover.
Time to get really depressed!!!!

Have a nice death!

How about a triceratops?

A three-horned dinosaur with a mouth like a beak?

The Brigadier saw one in
the London Underground once.

And a tyrranosaurus rex?

Met quite a few actually.

Any pterodactyls?

Lots of pterodactyls! We
should make a visit sometime.

To Earth in the Upper Cretaceous? Wicked!

A very good time for dinosaurs!

I love dinosaurs! But I hate that. Liff
music!! Where are we, Professor anyway?

A planet, an Earth colony settled some
time in your future. Do you like it?


No, neither do I. Why not?

Too phony. Too happy!

Yes, I've been hearing disturbing
rumours about Terra Alpha.

So I thought I'd better look in some time.

So tonight's the night?

Tonight's the night. I've been
hearing rumours of something evil,

and we're going to get to the bottom of it!

Your third badge, Silas P! 45 killjoys
to your credit! I'm very happy!

I'm glad that you're happy
ma'am, but it is actually 47!

I do the counting, thank you, Silas P.

Sorry ma'am.

Still, I like your initiative, your
enterprise. I'll see that you go far.

I might mean for the top.

Not quite the very top, Silas P?

Professor, this music is winding me up!

Yes, it makes you wonder how the natives stand it.

I don't see any natives.

Here comes one now!



No nicknames, aliases, pseudonyms,
nom-de-plumes. Real name!

It is my real name! Tell him Professor!

What's in a name?

I could report you for that!

Can you smell something, Professor?

Now that you come to mention it. You
will have to forgive my young friend,

Ace, Mr, um, er you didn't tell me your name.

You're right, I didn't give
it to you, but I don't have to.

I'm on official business from Galactic Centre.

How do I know you're telling the truth.

Here, my identification.

Thank you, "Trevor Sigma". Actually,
my nickname at collge was "Theta Sigma".

No nicknames!!

Right. Over there. This way!


Bullet holes.

Yes, there is evil on Terra Alpha,
and we've got to put a stop to it.

How long?


Won't that be dangerous?

Of course.

Right, where do we start?

First, we get ourselves arrested.

Professor, what have they done!!

Yes, looks good actually.

You look unhappy about something.

No, not really, just admiring your
handywork. Miserable looking thing!

Our thoughts exactly. And you? Are you happy?

I would say she is, given the deeply distressing
nature of some fundamental universal truths.

What do you mean?

She's happy and I'm happy.

Can't you afford a real gun? Gordon Bennet!

I'm glad you're happy, but
what are you doing here?

You don't look like locals!
In fact you look like killjoys!

What's a killjoy?

Alright, you must be from off-world. In
future stay within the specified tourist zones!


You're free to go!

You're not going to arrest us?

I don't see why!

Doctor, they're not going to arrest us!



Yes, I believe all visitors
are issued badges at customs.

Yes. Where're your badges?

I've got badges

She's got badges.

This one's for top of Everest.

Not interested. Where're your badges?

Oh dear. I've seemed to lost them.

He is obviously a spy and she is his accomplice.

He will disappear and she will
audition for the Happiness Patrol!

What do you mean?

You're under arrest!

Phew! About time!

What are you watching, dear?

It's a videotape, dear, something called
"Routine Disappearance No. 499,987.

Turn that off, dear, that's for my eyes only.

Oh well...

And besides, you're missing my broadcast.

And finally, Joseph C and I wish to thank you
for your stirling work in catching the killjoys.

Sit down my dear, you may find this instructive.

Remember, keep smiling. Happiness will prevail!

I thought we were arrested. I
thought we were going to prison.

Hold the two bananas and nudge. Never fails.

Oh well, can't win them all.

That's all right, I don't like to win anymore.

Why not?

First of all, I'm a killjoy. And
secondly, I don't like the prize!

What is the prize?

You're about to find out.

Congratulations and well
played! Here is your prize joke!

Did you hear about the killjoy who won
an outing with the Happiness Patrol?

He was tickled to death! Enjoy yourself.

I see what you mean. The delivery's terrible.

The joke's not much good either.

You're right. It's tastless, smug,

and worst of all it's badly constructed,
I mean, who writes that stuff?

I wrote it!

YOU wrote it?

That's right. I used to be her gag writer, when
I was Harold F. Then my brother disappeared.

I heard of other disappearences. They
caught me in the rocket port zone,

trying to contact Terra Omega, and they
put me in here and regeraded me to Harold V.

But why are we being kept
here? Why don't we just leave?

Excuse me?


Is this a prison?

A prison? Of course not! This is the Waiting Zone.

We don't have any prisons on
Terra Alpha, miserable places!

So what you're saying that this isn't a place of
incarceration, and we're free to go if we wish?

Well, yes and no. This isn't a prison...
but cross that line, and you're a dead man.

Congratulations. Bad luck, old man. Still, we
have to be fair. Wouldn't treat you otherwise.

So what you're telling me is that Helen
A punches people for wearing dark clothes?

That's right. It also goes
for listening to slow music,

and reading poems. Unless
they're limericks, of course.

This is terrible!

Walking in the rain too, if you're on
your own and don't carry an umbrella.

Why don't people stand up to her?

The people are scared!

Remember the Happiness Patrol, Ace!

Bunch of ratbags!

Ratbags with guns!

The Happiness Patrol are the nice side of her
regime! Do you know who the Kandyman is, Doctor?

Sounds rather sweet.

He's dangerous! He's doing
experiments, and that's why we're here.

He needs guinea pigs: guinea pigs like you and me!

What sort of experiments?

Can't find out.

What else does he do, this Kandyman?

He makes sweets.

You wanted to see me ma'am?

Just curiousity. I wanted to know what
the Kandyman had cooked up for us tonight?

It's a 'fondant surprise'.



Delicious! My favourite.

So you reckon the Kandyman's the
one behind all the disappearances?

One of the ones. There are 3
ways to disappear on Terra Alpha.

The Late Show at the Forum, a visit to
the Kandy Kitchen, and something else.

What sort of something else?

I don't know. Rumour has it that
Helen A prefers the firing squad.

It says here, that you have been "found guilty
of an ostentatious display of public grief"?

Oh dear!


And so you have been sentenced to the
severest penalty decreed by Helen A!


The fondant supreme!

Time we were going, Professor?

We?ve got a night?s work ahead of
us, and I think we?ve learned enough.

Ace! A prison break!

A waiting zone break.

And I think we?ll take our new friend with us.

What?s that?

We?re going to escape.

There is no escape.

Well, I must be going.

So soon. We haven?t finished yet. There's
still his brother Harold V to deal with.

Ah yes, his brother.

Families are very important to people?s happiness.

I think he got a buzz out of that.

Shut up!

Easy, Ace!

Rather a shocking experience.

Let me get at her!

Save the anger.

You're no good to me like this.

I want to nail those scumbags. I
want to make them very, very unhappy.

don't worry. We will.

What time you cook this?

- Tell me.
- Yes.

I was wondering about your go-kart.

- It's not my go-kart. It's
the waiting zone gokart. - Yes.

I was *****.

If I were to get into it and
drive off, what would you do?

- Nothing.
- Nothing?


- You wouldn't raise the alarm, shoot us.
- Nothing.

You?re right. It is booby-trapped.

You dear me you my darling?

Well, you *****. I ***** now.

- What are you doing?
- Nothing.

- You?re not thinking of starting that?
- No.

- Are you sure?
- Yes.

Give it to me. Get off.

It?s a bomb, isn?t it?

I?m trying to defuse it.

Let me have a go.

I?m trying not to blow us both to pieces.

I never get to have any fun.

Start the go-kart.

You can drive.

Any luck, Professor?

I need a little more time!

You've got it.


I arrest you for the evasion
of Happiness Patrol auditions.

Where are they? What do you mean? The
question is, are they ready for me?

Take her back to the Happiness Patrol headquarters
and we'll continue the search for the spy.

That should do it. Ace?

Nice of the Happiness Patrol
to leave us in peace. Ace?

I think enjoy this.

OK, stop there Ace now.

Good. Do you know any jokes?

I always forget jokes.

How about songs?

I know this great song about
this bloke and his girlfriend.

She drops the ring he gave her on a railway track,

and when she goes back to get
it, she's killed by the train,

so he's really miserable for the
rest of his life. It?s fantastic.

Happy songs, Ace. Songs about
sunshine and furry animals.

I woke up one morning...

I know that song.

There are a million blues
songs that start like that.

But I did wake up one morning.
Suddenly something was very clear.

I couldn?t go on, smiling. Smiling
while my friends disappeared.

Wearing this uniform. Smiling and
trying to pretendI'm someoneI'm not.

Trying to pretendI'm happy.

Better to let it end.

Better just to relax and let it happen.

I woke up one morning and
realized, it was all over.

Look, I'm sorry.

I think we?ll abandon our rehearsal.

I'm not Happiness Patrol material anyway.

They stand for everything I hate.

Like you said, smiling all the time,
smiling when it doesn?t mean anything.

I'm not one of them. I can't twirl
a baton; I can?t dance; I caan't sing.

No, but there is one thing
you might be very good at.

Oh yeah?

A disappearing act.

What do I have to do?

It?s simple, I ***** the sky and I close
my eyes. When I open them you?re gone.

Excuse me.

You wouldn't have a small
automotive jack, would you?

I'm afraid not. But I can offer
you the hand of friendship.

Sit down. Tell me about yourself.

I'm looking for Helen A. Perhaps you
could point me in the right direction.

I can tell you where to find her.

- But when you meet you make sure you?re smiling.
- Smiling?

She hates miserable people. Haven?t
you heard about the massacre?

I?ve heard rumours.

She sent out her spies to find the
most depressing township on the planet.

The Happiness Patrol went in and
razed the place to the ground.

But why?

Policy,I'm sorry, I didn?t mean to distress you.

I?m not distressed,I'm angry. Why do
the people let her walk all over them?

There are lots of reasons. The
Happiness Patrol, the Kandy Man.

The Kandy Man! He's next
on my list of people to see.

Then I'd cross him off fast, if I were you. He's Helen A's henchman. Does all her dirty work.

There are small pockets of resistance,
though. Quiet murmurings of rebellion.

- Are you interested?
- But of course.

There's a place, a secret place,

where we?re planning for the day when Helen
A and the Kandy Man will be called to account.

Here, my card.

- Thanks. Silas P.
- Other side.

Happiness Patrol undercover. Excellent!
Perhaps you could take a message...

- Are you a musician?
- Sort of.

- Shall we go?
- You better go.

You not can help me Silas. *****

No! Wait!

-I'm the Doctor.
- Earl Sigma.

A sort of musician?

No. Realy a medical student.
Fifth year post med psychology.

What does the Sigma stands for?

Stands for alien. All visitors are called Sigma.

So you?re travelling through the colonies?

Yeah,I'm on vacation, paying my way
with music. But I kind of got stuck here.

It's a interesting planet from
a psychological standpoint.

- Yes. You better go.
- No. This way. There's someone I?d like to meet.

What is this place?

I believe this is where they make sweets.

Halt or we fire!

They think it?s easy. A thousand
pounds of praline cracknel indeed!

They don't know about his moods.
He's terrible when he's roused.

I tell them but they don't believe me.
They?re lucky they get any sweets at all.

Enough! Where are my specimens?

If they think it?s so easy they should
have a go at making sweets themselves.

Most of them wouldn't know
popcorn from peppermints.

I said where are my specimens!
It?s time for an experiment.

I think they just nipped under the table.

There's no one there.

- But I saw them.
- Show me!

Well I... I could have
sworn they were under here.

I can feel one of my moods coming on.

Welcome to the Kandy Kitchen, gentlemen.

I'm sure the pleasure's all ours.

I do hope so, I like my volunteers
to die with smiles on their faces.