Doc Martin (2004–…): Season 2, Episode 8 - Erotomania - full transcript

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Oh, yes, it's the bane
of my life... my neck.

Always has been.

- Morning, Doc.
- Yeah.

When I was a girl, if I
didn't have the right pillow,

my mother used to say to me,

"Like 'The Princess
and the Pea.'"

Mrs. Tishell.

In the mornings I was like
a bear with a sore head.

Mrs. Tishell... my delivery,
please. I have surgery.



Of course, Doctor. I'll
get it for you right away.

Thanks.

Or a bear with a sore neck.

Ha... Oh. Uh, there you go, Doc.

Excuse me. I work
for the Salvation Army.

We're looking for a young
woman... Emma Lewis.

Never heard of her.

- But if you'd just look...
- No thank you.

Oh, dear.

Have you seen this girl?

Oh.

No. Sorry.

Have you tried the police?

Well, we don't like to
get the police involved.



Sometimes a missing person
has, um, how shall I say,

an unhappy relationship
with the police.

Oh, dear.

Don't mind our doctor.

Underneath, he's
a wonderful man.

Careful. You're gonna
collapse your other lung.

Oh, it's all right. There's
a doctor in the house.

- Hi, Martin.
- Hello.

- How are you?
- Late.

Um, look, I'm released,
as you can see,

and generally on
a new lease of life.

- So thank you.
- Yeah.

No, I really mean that.

You and Him saved my life.

Yeah.

Well, it's true, you know...

About the whole "new
lease of life" thing.

I'm glad.

In fact, this whole thing,

it's really got me thinking
about how precious life is

and how you've got
to really seize the day.

Or the girl.

- What?
- Seize the girl.

I've been thinking.

Instead of doing up
Mom's place to sell,

we should move in.

You and me.

Look, I've been thinking
about this all night.

I was gonna tell you,
but I just can't wait.

Louisa...

Will you marry me?

What?

Wow.

Where did that come from?

Ah, Doc. There you are.

All right. Ready for me?

What?

My M.O.T... life insurance
and critical-illness cover.

Come on. You're late.

So how are you?

I'm the doctor.
You're the patient.

Ah, of course, of course.

Although I'm not
a patient, as such.

I mean, I'm not sick.
Except love-sick, maybe.

Never thought I'd
need all this stuff.

Funny, you think a
wedding's romantic.

It's not. It's just
loads of paperwork.

Is life insurance and
critical-illness cover

essential to a wedding?

No. But "start as you mean to go
on," as my old mom used to say.

I want to do things properly.

All right. Undress, please.

What?

Behind there.

Really?

Oh. Okay.

- What, down to my...
- Uh-huh.

We could sell your house.

Or... Or maybe rent it out.
Keep it as an investment.

I'm flattered, but I-I-I
don't know what to say.

- Say yes.
- But this is a big thing, Danny.

I'm gonna have
to think about it.

- No. Say yes!
- Danny.

Don't rush me.

Relax.

That's all right.

That was really
necessary, was it, Doc?

Prostate cancer is the
most common cancer in men.

Get your clothes on.

So, what happens now?

Uh, I'll get the results,

and I'll write a report for
the insurance company.

You can request
to see it if you like,

but you should be aware

that that could delay
the insurer's decision.

Nope. I trust you, Doc.

Mark, um...

Did you have mumps as a child?

Uh, don't think so.

Don't know. Why?

Uh, I couldn't help
noticing that your, uh, testes

are smaller than you'd expect,

which is often a... a
side effect of mumps.

I thought that was...

You know, I thought
they were in proportion

to the size of the other...
physical attribute in that area.

Oh. Um, right.

Well, I'll include a sperm test.

You'll need to give a
sample at the hospital.

Oh, no, I don't think that's...

I'd have to, um...
I-In the hospital?

Thing is, I'm known
there. Do I have to?

Do you want me to do a
full medical or not, Mark?

I'll give you a container.
You can take it there yourself.

So long as you keep
it at body temperature

and get it to them within
an hour of, um, production.

Mmh.

Morning.

Oh, Mark!

Um, I was wondering if I could
have a quick word with you.

Oh, I probably
shouldn't tell you this,

but there's a
gentleman in the village,

and he's looking for a girl.

Sorry, Mrs. T. Can't
stop. Urgent medical thing.

Got to get something
to the hospital.

Ooh, could I lend a hand?

Uh... no thanks.

What is it?

Look, I said no thanks.

How are you doing, Mrs. T?

I did mention that we'd
probably need half an hour,

the doctor and I?

Yeah. Yeah, you...

And maybe a pot of tea,
when you've got a minute.

Mrs. Tishell. What
can I do for you?

Oh, Doctor, I've
brought you some cake.

And this article on medications

for coronary vascular
disease in the MHRA.

I thought, with your background,
you'd be most interested.

Ah, now, don't worry
about the sticky pages.

It's just where I
slipped in the bath.

Mrs. Tishell, do you
have a medical complaint?

No, I just need some
painkillers for my neck.

It's a bit worse than usual.

If you'd like to take
your cervical collar off,

then I'll have a look at it.

Oh, there's...
There's no... no need.

- Uh, there's nothing to see.
- I'll be the judge of that.

Dr. Sim couldn't
see anything. Uh...

I think he thought
I was malingering.

Well, he was
right to suspect it.

As I'm sure you're aware,

the vast majority of people
wearing cervical collars

are wasting their time.

I know.

But torticollis,
if you've got it,

well, it can be a
pain in the neck.

How long have you had the pain?

Well, like I said, years.

Years, yeah.

You thought about physiotherapy?

No, Doctor. I don't like
being pulled and prodded.

I thought perhaps some
good, strong painkillers

like Tramadol or dihydrocodeine.

Some good, strong
opioid analgesics.

No.

Not until I've carried out
a thorough examination,

which I shan't be able to do

until you've stopped
wearing that collar.

Come.

- Tea?
- No.

Goodbye, Mrs. Tishell.

Mmm.

Smells good.

The very best chicken
tandoori outside of Delhi.

Ah, great.

Ohh. No prawn biryani.
I love prawn biryani.

I don't think I should
be having shellfish.

Um, pregnant women aren't
supposed to have shellfish.

Oh, right. I thought you
must be allergic or something.

You said pregnant women
aren't supposed to have shellfish.

I did.

You're...

You said...

- What's wrong?
- Nothing's wrong.

Absolutely nothing's wrong.

You sure?

Ohh!

Pathology.

Yeah, I'd like to double-check
a sperm test, please.

Thanks for seeing me, Doc.

Can't you see I'm on the phone?!

- Sorry.
- Shut the door.

No, not you.

Mark Mylow.

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah. Thank you.

Come in.

Thanks.

Um, it's just that, um,
I've done a test, and, um,

I'm pregnant.

Anyway, so, um,

it's... it's probably
nothing, but I-I've had...

How many weeks pregnant are you?

Can't be much, can it?

- I'll examine you.
- Uh, I hadn't, um...

You can get
changed behind there.

You'll need to get plenty
of rest before your scan...

Right.

Which I suggest should be soon.

Fundal height is an
inexact measurement,

but I'd say you're a good
12 to 14 weeks pregnant.

Is that right?

Oh.

I didn't know you could tell.

Um, Mark doesn't need to know.

Well, he'll find out
about it sooner or later.

How?

I'll just tell him the
baby's a bit early.

If you tell him,
Doctor, I'll sue you.

Right.

This consultation is over.

You need to find a new G.P.
to manage your pregnancy.

There are your notes.

Relax. Mark's happy. I'm happy.

And he's gonna be my baby's dad.

And no one's gonna rock

your precious little
boat in Portwenn.

"Let me first say that the
bridesmaids look absolutely..."

Bye.

"smashing today, outshone
only by our lovely bride, Jane.

I'm sure everyone will agree

that today is a sad
day for single men,

as another beauty leaves
the, uh, available list."

What do you think?

"Our bride, Jane" is not
gonna go down very well, is it?

Who's wedding you
best man at... Tarzan's?

- This book isn't helping, is it?
- No.

Anyway, it looks like Danny
Steel and Louisa Glasson

might beat Mark and Julie to it.

Danny and Louisa?

Maddie B. reckoned Danny
had inquired about the church...

Hi, Doc.

I'm going to see,
uh, Mark Mylow.

I'll be 20 minutes.

And she reckoned he penciled
in a date while he was there.

Mind you, that was Maddie B.,

and she talks out of
her you know what.

Yeah.

Mark.

I need to speak to you.

There's a little secret

I don't think you're
telling me, eh, Doc?

- What?
- Come on, now, Doc.

I know you're not
allowed to say,

but it's not like
Julie's gonna sue you

for breach of confidentiality.

Anyway, she told me herself.

It's earlier than I hoped.

I wanted to do the
whole marriage thing first,

do it by the book.

Call me romantic. That's
how I always imagined it, but...

I'm so happy, Doc.
I'm gonna be a dad.

How cool is that?

Mark...

I'll tell you something...
The old sperm test...

You had me worried
for a minute, there.

Doc. Mark.

Between you and me, please,
Doc. Julie wants it that way for now.

Al.

I'm having a bit of a problem
with the best-man speech.

Oh, right.

I'm not supposed
to see it, am I?

That's bad luck, isn't it, Doc?

Mark, I need to see you in
my surgery as soon as possible.

- Okay, sure.
- Thank you.

Oh, well, hello,
Bert. How are you?

I done my back in again, Mrs. T.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

I can recommend
paracetamol for pain relief,

or there is the
anti-inflammatories.

Oh, no thanks. I
don't want that rubbish.

I want the strong stuff.

Oh, you'll have to see the doc.

Oh, I done that. Here.

Oh.

Tramadol?!

Why, is that no good?

No, no, I'm sure it's
the right thing for you.

Oh, I expect the doctor
took some convincing

to give you these?

No. No, I just, uh... I just told
him what the problem was.

He gave me the prescription.
Oh, you know the doc.

I mean, there's no chat.

Well, you... you might find
he'd give them to you at first

and then be a bit funny
about giving you any more.

He doesn't believe in...

We don't believe in giving
people strong painkillers

unless it's
completely necessary.

Maybe.

He told me to come
back when I want.

Did he?

Hey. How's my girl?

Oh, hi, Danny.

Wine. Great.

- You know, I've been think...
- So have you...

I was just thinking about
when we got together.

You know, when we
got together way back.

And you... you know
when we split up?

I know. I know. I'm sorry.

It's just at that point
in my life... career... I...

See, I think men are
programmed. Success.

It's the modern equivalent of
hunting with a spear, providing.

But that's rubbish, isn't it?

Do you really think
we're programmed?

We make our own
decisions, don't we?

The point is I've changed.

That's what I've
been trying to tell you.

No, I know. I-I just...

I just don't want to
rush into anything.

And you've only been in
the village for five minutes.

You're not saying no.

No. No, I'm not. I'm...

Well, that's fantastic.

Oh. Sorry.

Um...

Danny Steel. Yeah?

Oh, hi. Um...

No, it's a good time. Hang on.

Sorry, it's work.

- I'll see you later.
- Right.

Yeah.

Excuse me.

Graham Orchard. Salvation Army.

No, no. I'm not collecting.

Have you seen this girl?

Um...

Emma Lewis.

Though she's probably using
a different name at the moment.

She was 14 in the photograph.

No. Sorry. It's not
someone I know.

Can you take
another look, please?

She's in her early 30s now.

She'd have changed her
appearance for various reasons.

No. Sorry.

I think I've spoken to the
entire population of Portwenn.

Hang on.

There's something.
But I-I don't know.

I don't know. I might be wrong.

Can we...

Martin, there's something
I need to ask you.

What do you want, my blessing?

What? What for?

Oh. Right.

Come in.

This is Graham.

Yep. We've already met.

- Hello again, Doctor.
- I still have no change.

Take a look at this.

This girl's now a
32-year-old woman,

a lot slimmer, and
her hair's different.

She began using different
names as a teenager.

It's not unusual in young people
who've had a troubled childhood.

It's a way of
reinventing yourself.

Well?

A troubled childhood

and reinventing
herself and then what?

And identity fraud, basically.

Credit-card theft.

Some have been used
recently in Portwenn.

My concern is to reunite
her with the mother.

The police aren't involved.

- Do you think it could be...
- Yeah, of course it is.

So, what do we do?

We? We don't do anything.

- Surely we have to do something.
- Why?

- For Mark.
- Mark? Mark who?

Shush.

I don't think it's
any of my business.

I don't think it's any of
your business, either.

- Goodbye.
- Hang on a minute.

Martin, what...
What's the matter?

Forget it.

Sorry. This was
a really bad idea.

Goodbye.

Come in.

All right, Doc.

You asked me to drop in.

Take a seat, please.

Ohh. Serious stuff, then.

Well, it's unfortunate
news, yes.

My M.O.T.?

I haven't got... Oh,
my God, I'm not...

I have been feeling funny,
like palpitations in my heart,

but I thought that was
just, uh, excitement.

What's this?

"Azoospermia"?

It means you're infertile, Mark.

Well, it must be
wrong, mustn't it?

Even men with low sperm
counts can... you know.

There's stuff about this
in the pregnancy books.

One persistent little
blighter. That's all it takes.

Azoospermia means no sperm
at all, persistent or otherwise.

No sperm at all?

None.

Julie's pregnant.

Yes.

This isn't right. There's
been a... a mix-up.

No. I called the lab, and
they confirmed the result.

I don't think Julie
will take very kindly

to what you're insinuating, Doc.

I'll have to live with that.

Yes, you will.

Because she's gonna be my wife.

Ask her who she is
before you marry her, Mark.

What's that supposed to mean?

Julie Mitchell's
not her real name.

I think it is.

And even if it isn't,

she can call herself
Robbie Williams for all I care.

It's not a problem. Not illegal.
Perhaps you didn't know that.

That's my department...
the law. I'm the policeman.

You're the... The
member of the public.

Her family asked the
Salvation Army to trace her

because her mother's dying.

I know what this is.

This is you.

You can't bear to see
me happy, can you?

You haven't got
anyone in your life,

so you don't want me
to have anyone in mine.

You wouldn't know
a good relationship

if it came up and bit you
on your stuck-up, stuck-up...

Mark, you're engaged to a fraud.

I'm right, and you know it.
The whole of Portwenn knows it.

The effort I've gone to
welcoming you to this village,

trying to be your friend,

and all you've ever
done is snub me.

You think I haven't noticed?

I love Julie, she loves me,
and we're having a baby.

That's all I care about.

Her name's not
Julie. It's Emma Lewis.

Hey!

You have to give
a girl a little notice

before you come
'round unannounced.

Why's that?

Well, I might have to put
my face on, as they say.

Which face is that?

You know... makeup.

Not the face of Jane Carpenter?

Or Louise Wood?
Or Joanne Jeffrey?

Or Emma Lewis?

Oh.

Oh.

I can explain all of that.

How?

Oh, come on, Mark.

You know, so I've
had an interesting past.

It's part of my charm.

You worry too much.
Come have a drink.

We're getting married, and
we're gonna have a baby together.

About that.

Our first time was only,
what, a month ago?

Yeah, and, you see,
we're right for each other

'cause you only had to look
at me and, bam, I'm pregnant.

That must have been it. A look.

Because, see, I've
had a sperm test.

A fertility test.

And...

Hey, Marky...

We can work this out, can't we?

Emma Lewis, I'm arresting you

on suspicion of
using a false identity

to obtain goods by deception.

You don't have to say anything,

but anything you do say can
be used in evidence against you.

She's all right.

She doesn't need
to go to the hospital?

She'll need a scan within
the next couple of days,

but there's no rush.

Good. So I can arrest her.

Well, I'd, uh, wait till
things are a bit clearer.

Clearer? What could be clearer?

She's a crook, a grifter.

She's driven a horse
and cart through my life.

Coach and horses.

Yeah.

Whatever.

Martin!

I was, uh...

I was just on my way to see you.

I've just had a letter
from your father's solicitor.

Look, I didn't get a
chance to explain.

I had absolutely no
idea that he intended to...

No, I know. I know, I know.

I know that you gave up
your London flat for me.

So he gave up his claim.

Why didn't you say anything?

You didn't give me the chance.

Ah, the Ellingham curse.

What do you mean?

Never talking about anything.
Keeping your emotions hidden.

Oh, Marty.

Thank you.

Well. You're welcome.

And, uh, while we're on
the subject of feelings...

- What?
- Oh, don't be obtuse.

Louisa and Danny.
He's very keen.

There are rumors.
He's very keen.

Yes. I'd heard.

Well, do something.
Say something.

Close the door behind you, Amy.

Right. Up the stairs, please.

There she is. Go on.

- All right.
- Go on.

- All right, I will.
- Go on.

Upstairs. Come on.

Thank you, Jack.

Louisa.

I went to see Mark.

But you already told him.

I thought you said it
wasn't our business.

Uh, it's not.

It came up in the context
of a medical conversation.

Did you expect it to come up?

Uh, yes. Yes, I did.

Then why didn't you
just say that last night

instead of giving the
impression that you didn't care?

Why do you do that?

Anyway...

Poor Mark. Is he all right?

No, I-I doubt it.

He really loved her.

And I admire him for that.

He didn't hold back.

He absolutely went for it.

Well, uh, I'll see you.

Louisa.

Are you, uh, gonna go
for it with the architect?

Martin, what's that
got to do with anything?

I don't know.

Or maybe you're waiting
for a signal from on high.

Now you're being horrible.

Mark, I'm so sorry.

Don't. Don't say you're sorry.

Who's the father?

Arrest me or get out of here.

Some bloke in Exeter.

No one.

It didn't mean anything.

And me?

Did I mean anything?

Or was I just cover?

No better cover
than a policeman.

And I found I liked you.

Thought maybe I could settle.

You're so straight.

I thought maybe I
could go straight too.

Be the real me.

Whoever that is.

Get her out of my sight.

Hi. I've just had a phone call.

Well, I-I've had
several phone calls.

Are you all right?

Yeah, yeah, I guess.

You know... Mark.
It's all a bit of a shock.

Yeah, I heard. I know. Poor guy.

But can I tell you
about this project?

It's an art-gallery
conversion in the East End.

An old warehouse.

It's a job I went for
ages ago, didn't get.

Anyway, their first
choice just backed out,

and suddenly yours
truly is in the frame.

Pardon?

This is the one, Lou.

This is the job I've
been hanging on for.

A job in London?

Well, make up your mind, Danny.

What happened to
us getting married

and living at your mom's place?

We can get married
and live in London.

But I live here. I work here.

I-I'm the head teacher
of Portwenn Primary.

You show up at any
East End primary school,

they're gonna get down
on their hands and knees

and kiss the ground you walk on.

But you just don't
get it, do you, Danny?

My life's here.

And until five minutes
ago, I thought yours was too.

Well, so did I, but...

things change.

I-I didn't plan this.

It's sudden.

I-I understand that.

You need time to think.

But it's not sudden.

Go to London. Take the job.

If you don't mind me saying,
you're being perverse now.

No, Danny. I just know who I am.

But you don't seem to
have a clue who you are

or what you want.

You know, one minute it's
London, next it's Cornwall.

And I'm sorry I haven't said
anything about this before,

but all your finding religion...

I mean, where the
hell did that come from?

You know, I've been
feeling sorry for Mark

and his fraudulent girlfriend,

but, you know, this
is the same thing.

There's no substance to you.

I don't think you
mean that, Louisa.

Don't tell me what I mean.

Because if you did mean that,

I can't see how I
can recover from that,

how we can recover from that.

Let's not recover, Danny.

Let's not recover?

Bye, Danny.

Come in.

Oh, good afternoon, Doctor.

Mrs. Tishell, you're
still wearing that collar.

Oh, yes.

Look, I just wanted to say

I know some patients
do get Tramadol,

and I am sure that is
exactly the right thing for me.

And your point is?

I wanted to assure you, as
one professional to another,

that I do, in fact, get
some neck discomfort,

which the occasional...

You probably get discomfort

because you never
take that collar off.

Oh, I-I do take it off.

Uh, look, I-I
know you think I...

I do. I think you are somatized.

I-I can assure you I am not.

Go on, then.

What?

Take it off.

Now?

Yes.

- In front of you?
- Yeah.

There's nothing whatsoever
wrong with your neck, is there?

I would really like
some medication.

As your doctor, I am
declining that request.

You are being very mean.

Quite possibly.

Oh!

Thank you, Mrs. Tishell.

- You okay?
- Yes.

Good. Um, can I have a new
head for my electric toothbrush?

Is it true about you
and Danny Steel?

Is what true?

Are you getting married?

Do you know
something? This village...

Mrs. Tishell, can I
just say something?

Danny Steel and I are not
in a relationship of any kind.

Don't leave it too long.

Leave what?

You might end up like
me. I mean, I was pretty.

Not like you, but
passable. Men looked.

And then, when I was about
30, they stopped looking.

So that's when I stopped
taking off the collar.

I thought, "What's the point?"

Though there is
Clive, of course.

Yeah, yeah. Of course.

Mrs. Tishell.

Do you want to sit down?

No!

I just want to take this
bloody, bloody, bloody collar off.

Mrs. Tishell...
It's Sally, isn't it?

Yeah.

Sally...

why don't you take it off?

Because I... Because
the Doc's right.

I'm... You know, it's just...

It's an emotional crutch.

Do you want to take it off now?

Yeah.

Just for a minute, then.

How does that feel?

Well, it feels...

I feel liberated.

I feel...

Aah! Ohh!

Mrs. Tishell, what is it?

It's my neck!

My neck!

Mrs. Tishell... She
says that it's her neck.

And now she's saying
it's like electric shocks

running through her hands.

You told her to
take the collar off.

She's had it on for years.

Mrs. Tishell. The torticollis?

No, it's... it's...
It's not that.

It's my fingers.

What about your fingers?

Well, I've had
some... Some tingling.

Aah.

And I thought it was
vitamin B deficiency,

so I've been taking supplements,
but this is something else.

- What happened? Did you fall?
- No.

I've been careful since
I slipped in the bath.

- When did you fall in the bath?
- Uh...

Well, I told you...

Dropped the MHRA bulletin
and knocked my neck.

Cough.

Aah! Aah! It's my fingers!

- Both hands?
- Yeah.

Don't move. Don't
move. Don't move.

I'm gonna hold
your head very still.

You keep perfectly
still, Mrs. Tishell.

All right. You comfortable?

Yeah.

I think you knocked
yourself very badly.

Yeah, I think it was quite a
bad knock, come to think of it.

You've prolapsed a disk.

- You know what that means?
- I think so.

It means the weight of
your head is pressing down

on a nerve in your spinal cord.

There might be some paralysis.

Oh, my God.

Right, Louisa, um, you
telephone for an ambulance.

And then help me
with Mrs. Tishell's collar.

Yeah.

So I was right to wear it.

Yes, Mrs. Tishell, you were.

Will she be all right?

Well, um, she'll have an excuse

to wear that collar
for the next 20 years.

Probably, yes.

- Right.
- Right.

- Good night.
- Night.

Martin?

Yes?

Martin, there's 20 things
about you that are crap.

Thank you.

But if you were a stick of rock,

you'd be Martin Ellingham
all the way through.

It's over. He's gone.

Going back to London.

I'm missing him already.

I don't want to talk about him.

I want to have a drink with you.

I... I don't, uh, drink.

Alcohol has an appalling
effect on the liver

and the central
nervous system and...

I know you don't drink.
That's why I want to.

Wait here and don't move. Right?

Do not move a muscle.

Tosser.

Vardon grip. Straight
out of the rough.

No.

How are you, Mark?

Yeah, I'll get there, Al.

That's the right
attitude to have,

if you don't mind
my saying so, Mark.

I mean, you know, no use
crying over a bad apple, is there?

That's what I say.
Even if she were pretty.

Dad.

It's all right, Al.
Probably for the best.

Yeah, I suppose so.

And it gets me off the hook
with the old speech problem, eh?

My point exactly!

There's plenty of
upside to this, plenty.

But she were a
looker, weren't she?

That's, um...

That's actually quite
common with a viral infection.

What?

- I thought...
- What?

I... I thought the
wine would be...

- Disinhibiting?
- Yeah!

I-I thought we'd talk more.

I don't really talk.

I know you don't.

I don't know.

I just imagined that we'd
have this great big talk

and that I'd get you
drunk and seduce you.

Maybe not.

But I wanted to see you.

You know?

See the real you.

I'm...

I suppose that's what
I was saying before.

Underneath the
gruff, monosyllabic,

well meaning but
rude surface, you're...

gruff, monosyllabic,

and, well, rude.

What about well meaning?

But I should be glad
because I was right.

You are exactly what
it says on the tin...

Doc Martin, through and through.

Did your dad leave
any more wine?

You see, I think we
should just sit here

and drink some
more and carry on,

not saying any of
the stupid things

that people say
when they're drunk.

- I sh...
- Shh.

No talking.

No, well, I-I should tell you

the main reason
that I don't drink...

is because I just fall asleep.

I don't say anything.

I'm constipated, my
Auntie Joan says.

I said no talking.

That's rubbish, anyway.

Rubbish, the things
that people say...

Martin.

You're so beautiful.

You're so very beautiful.
Do you know that?

Okay.

If that's what you're gonna
say, I... I don't mind you talking.

All I think about every day

is just catching
a glimpse of you.

Oh, Louisa.

Shh. Don't spoil it.

I love you.

I love you.

Martin, this bloody
table's in the way.

Martin?

Martin!

Oh.

You're gonna have to
help me a little bit, Martin.

Ugh!

Um...

Hello, Doc?

Al.

Al. Al.

It's me.

Yeah. You've got to see this.

Hang on.

Hang on.

Oh!

Hi, Pauline. I'm
here to see the doc.

Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Good morning.

Surgery will be running
a little late this morning.

But I do feel my glands are up.

So I thought maybe
you'd have a look.

All right. Open up.

Aah. Ugh.

I'm sorry. I can't see if
you turn your head away.

I'm sorry, it's just...
Have you been drinking?

Doc, you know
that feeling you get

when you got a
headache coming...

You know, just behind
the eyes, and it's here, too,

and then it spreads, throbs,
like a scaled-up old boiler.

But it's not just there.

It's also in your stomach
and then in your waterworks,

and you've got
to run to the toilet.

How long have
you had this feeling?

Oh, not me, Doc. No, no... you.

Who was the lucky tippler, then?

Is it someone we
know, or, as rumored,

is it just you and your
canine friend, Woof-Woof?

- Get out.
- Uh...

Hair of the dog, Doc?

- Get out, Bert.
- Of course.

He's not in the mood.

That's right. I'm
not in the mood.

Now, if any of you are offended

by the fact that last
night I drank wine

or you've come to waste
my time with infantile jokes,

then you can bugger off.

Next patient, please, Pauline.

Right, boy. Let
sleeping dogs lie, eh?

That's not funny.

No more patients.

Have a lie-down.

I'll just get some air.

I thought if you
weren't used to drinking

then you wouldn't know about
this brilliant hangover cure.

See, I sometimes teach
year six on a Monday morning,

and this is about the only
thing that makes it possible, so...

Thank you.

What happened to your head?

Oh.

Uh, nothing.

Did you want to see me
for some medical advice?

No, no. Just the
morning-after pill.

What?

Joking.

It was just a... a joke.

I just wondered if
you wanted to see me

or if there was anything
else you wanted to say

before you passed
out last night.

Uh...

I embarrassed myself. Um...

No, you didn't
embarrass yourself.

And I'm really glad that
you said what you said.

And I just wish that I'd had
a chance to say that I do too.

I love you too.

What?

Uh, nothing.

No. What?

Love. It's a...

Love is what?

It's a... a difficult word

when you think
that we don't actually

know each other that well.

Martin, we've known each
other quite a while now.

Yes, but, strictly speaking,
for you to say that you love me

when you can't possibly
know that you do is... is...

Is what?

- Potentially delusional.
- Oh.

There are certain

quite well-known,
uh, disorders where...

What disorders?

Where a... a person
falls, without good reason,

for someone else and
believes that they love them.

Pardon?

De Clérambault's
syndrome, for instance.

Also known as erotomania.
More common in women.

They fall for an older man
of a higher social standing

or a higher
professional standing.

Martin, what the hell
are you talking about?

Delusional romantic attachments,

often associated with
excessive, uh, uh, intrusiveness

into the life of the object of
the, uh, irrational affection.

Stalking, if you like.

Oh.

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