Do Not Adjust Your Set (1967–1969): Season 2, Episode 1 - Christmas Special: Do Not Adjust Your Stocking - full transcript
Are you having a ball?
Are you really enjoying yourself?
Are you having the time of your life?
What are you doing?!
This christmas, say it with flowers:
"Mer-ry christ-mas."
Have you had enough of christmas?
Are you fed up with it?
Tired, and bored stiff?
You must be at my uncle Cyril's.
You know, every christmas I feel like a
little child. But we always get turkey!
Christmas can be a jolly
exciting time for us girls.
But of course we have to be careful
if we're standing under the mistletoe.
Hello, good evening,
and welcome to Christmas Turnaround.
But first of all, a big hello
to all our viewers.
Hello Mrs Green, hello
Mr Green, hello mum.
I think that's everyone.
But first of all, Turnaround takes
a long hard look at christmas.
Well, christmas wouldn't be
the same without food.
But remember: Too much food
at christmas can keep you off work.
So keep eating if you want a week off.
And now for some christmas
cookery hints, over to Ivor Clarke.
Hello again.
Well, christmas is the time of year,
when we put the traditional sixpences
in the christmas pudding.
But, if you don't want to go
through the messy business
of boiling and cleaning the sixpences,
why not put in a cheque instead.
All you need is a simple chequebook.
Here we are. Hmmm, just right.
Now then, first of all, we must count
the money we are going to put in.
Here we are,
10 shillings in sixpences,
42 pounds in thrippences,
and 6 pence.
It's going to be a rather rich
pudding, but who cares?
Now, we simply write out the cheque...
Put your name and address on the back...
Sprinkle with sugar...
And slip it in.
And cook for the financial year.
White I'm at it, may I also recommend
to you, credit cards for the mince pies,
quelle succulence,
and method and his bong,
what better for the turkey
than a lovely roasted fiver?
Hmm, oh, delicieux.
But now for the pudding.
Here we are, I have one made already
and oh looks wonderful, doesn't it, hey?
Oh, here we are,
but it's rather hot, and...
Pardon, the cheque has bounced.
Next year, I show you how to cook
the books. Bon appetit tous!
Thank you, thank you, Ivor.
Don't forget, when you stir the
christmas pudding, make a wish.
I wish I didn't have
to stir this pudding.
Oh. You may wonder what
these have to do with christmas.
The answer is: They're Carol's.
Don't leave them
on my desk, Carol, please.
And now, over to St Herbert in the Green.
And now, at this christmas tide,
let us all join together,
and sing hymn number 25, the one
that - flies south - by Biggles...
A normal service will be
resumed as soon as possible.
Christmas is also the time
when we remember Charles Dickens.
Oh dear, we've forgotten
Charles Dickens.
- He never sends us one.
- True.
But no christmas would be
complete without the circus.
The lions, the elephants, the tigers,
the thrills and spills, the clowns,
the gertie, glamour, and glitter, the ghost
to make up the greatest show on earth.
Yes, the circus. And here to talk
about it is Mr E.R. Sopworth.
Good afternoon.
In my lecture 'the circus',
I will try and convey some of
the wonderful fun and gaiety
of this occasion with
the aid of some pictures.
Let us start at the beginning.
What happens when the circus comes to town?
The answer is a trafic jam.
Here is a picture of a traffic jam.
Can you spot the loveable seals?
As soon as the circus arrive,
they start work putting up the big top:
A tent much like this one,
but about 140 times bigger.
Then all is ready for the opening night.
The audience wait expectantly
around the ring.
And then they wait for the
glorious sounds of the circus music.
Yes, soon we all thrill
of the colour and glamour
of the grand parade,
which excites everybody.
This is my friend mr Sopwith prior to
being excited by the grand parade.
Yes, the circus is indeed
a wonderful entertainment.
There is nothing in the world
as exciting as the ring masters,
the dancing elephants,
and the brave lion tamer.
And the thrill... spectacular thrills
of the acrobats on the tightrope.
And the wonderful antics of the clowns.
Thank you very much.
I hope I've managed
to convey to you
some of the glamour of this
wonderful entertainment.
Next week I'll be doing Ben-Hur.
So much for the greatest show on earth.
But above all, christmas
is a time for entertaining.
I hope you don't mind, darling,
we've got the vicar for christmas dinner.
- Oh, very nice too, I do enjoy...
- Good evening.
And now, here's something for all those
who've got to spend christmas on their own.
That was Carol.
And now, Turnaround takes a look
at christmas around the world.
And first of all, Africa.
Come in, Africa.
Thank you, Africa.
And now, over to Australia.
Come in, Australia. Hello Sydney.
- Hello Norman.
Well I'm sorry Sydney, that's all we've got
time for, because we've got to move on
15,000 miles to the remote
mountainous regions of Afghanistan.
Over now to Afhanistan.
How are you spending your christmas there?
- We are eating it
- I beg your pardon?
Oh yes, we are eating our roast
christmas to celebrate turkey day.
And then we are drinking
the steaming mistletou,
and exchaning a kiss under the pudding.
After that we shall pull a tree,
and unwrap our turkey presents
from around the cracker.
For as you know, turkey day's
the season of good grief,
when we hang the stuffing on the wall,
and father easter fills up
our stockings with cement.
So from Afghanistan we are saying,
very merry turkey and a happy last year!
Thank you. Thank you, Afghanistan.
And now, come in, Raquel Welch.
Oh well, it was worth a try.
And now, here's a word
for all of those
who've been lucky enough
to get away for christmas.
Keep out of sight and
don't appear on television.
And now, here's something for all of
you who are spending christmas in bed.
And now, beauty desk.
Hello. Welcome to Beauty Desk.
Well of course
christmas is a time.
when rough winds can play
havoc with a complexion.
And ladies especially have
a lot of trouble with chaps.
Well, the best way to avoid
nasty chaps is to wrap up...
- Hear hear!
- ...in a nice warm coat.
Well, I'm extremely flattered
that the boys have all got together
and they've bought me a real fox fur.
I'd like to show it to you.
Well I'm sorry about that.
The fox fur wasn't quite ready.
New for you on beautydesk this christmas
is Arthur Nixon's rejuvenating cream.
Leaves you as young and lovely,
as the day you were born.
Christmas is also a jolly good
time for germs and bugs.
Well, what do you do for a cold?
You just stand out in the snow
and get your feet wet, it's easy.
Thank you. Next week, we shall
be looking at cough mixture.
Does it really make you cough?
And finally, the minister of transport
issued this christmas appeal
to motorists: Can anone give
him a life to Leicester?
We end our searching scathing
battering probe into christmas
with a final government surplus film
of vital importance to us all.
Are you searching for adventure?
Are you looking for a worthwhile
job away from city street?
Want to learn a useful trade?
Like the idea of discipline?
Then why not become one of her
majesty's father christmasses?
At the royal father christmas
college, you can join up
and learn the vital skills of the
20th century father christmas.
You can't go wrong under the firm guidance
of a regular modern-commissioned gnome.
Every father christmas must be
an expert at sack-handling.
Any roof could be a death trap
for a man with a sack who didn't
have lightning reactions.
They must be ready, anywhere,
anytime, with any present.
To get into any chimney
pot in the world,
every father christmas
must be slim and muscular.
That's why here at the royal college,
the gnomes are so keen
on difficult training.
Remember, on christmas eve,
they do this sort of thing in the dark.
But don't think being father christmas is
all that it's bang up to be. Happy landing!
But even the first father christmas
in space will owe his success
to those months of training
at the royal college.
You know, there's one thing they say
about the men in red:
They always get their chimney.
Yes, it's a man's life
in the fairy grotto.
By a waterfall
I'm calling you-ou-ou-ou
We can share it all
Beneath a ceiling of blue
We'll spend a heavenly day
Here where the whispering waters play
There's a whippoorwill
He's calling you-ou-ou-ou
By a waterfall he's dreaming too
There's a magic melody
Mother Nature sings to me
Beside a waterfall with you
Now it's your turn.
By a waterfall
I'm calling you-ou-ou-ou
You-hou-hou-hou
We can share it all
Beneath a ceiling of blue
You-hou-hou-hou
We'll spend a heavenly day
Here where the whispering waters play
Play! Play! Play! Play!
There's a whippoorwill
He's calling you-ou-ou-ou
You-hou-hou-hou
By a waterfall he's dreaming too
There's a magic melody
Mother Nature sings to me
Beside a waterfall with you
Hou-hou, hou-hou, hou-hou...
Thank you, thank you. Thank you
wonderful boys for a wonderful song.
Wonderful to have you
with us this christmas time
yes indeed ladies and gentlemen,
the Bonzo Dog Band,
six wonderful boys from Lewisham,
down there in the south of France.
Well, I just like to take
this opportunity to wish you
a very very very truly happy
christmas to all you
out there in your homes,
and I mean that very sincerely.
Well it's talent spotting time once again,
and this week I want you to give
a great big christmas time welcome
to a young man who's making
a big impression on everybody,
Mr Ron Terrible from
Canterbury in Yorkshire,
accompanied by his very beautiful
wife Normer, ladies and gentlemen,
a big hand please for
Ron and Normer Terrible.
Good evening.
Ron would like to do for you first,
the greater crested grebe, a bird.
And now, two greater crested grebes.
Three greater crested grebes.
Two greater crested grebes.
And now, two greater crested grebes
near a country railway line.
And now, the London Symphony Orchestra.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
the London Symphony Orchestra
on a barge going up the Zambezi
river in a terrible storm.
Complete silence, please.
Thank you, thank you. Thank you
Ron, thank you Norma. Terrible.
Now it's film time everybody,
and I just want you to remember
that the entire proceeds of this film
go to the victims of my show.
As we give for you Terry Gilliam's
film, "The Christmas Card".
December 25th, 1968.
Somewhere in London.
Sorry sir. Wrong address.
Hello, and welcome to the El Member
theatre here in the heart of Jearo,
where we're about
to witness an attempt
on the world pantomime speed
record by the Corduing players.
The existing record is 8 minutes,
30 seconds, Mother Goose.
And here, I can see the stage
is ready, the starter's in position,
so here with "Aladdin" is
the Corduing players attempt
on the world allcomers
pantomime landspeed record.
Marks... Set...
With this ring I will rule the world!
I am the genie of the ring,
what is thy wish?
- To rule the world!
- You should meet the genie of the lamp,
...whom only Aladdin can control.
- Curses curses curses!
Hello hello hello, I'm the widow Twanky
and this is my son Aladdin.
- Aladdin.
- He's in love with the emperor's daughter.
I am the emperor's daughter,
and Aladdin loves me,
but if the police find out,
they'll put him in jail.
- Hello hello hello!
- They found out!
- They found out! - I found out.
- He's found out. - I arrest you.
- Who will save me?
- I will save you, come with me!
Heavens, what a dark cave!
Yes it is a dark cave, give me the lamp!
- No! - Yes! - No! - Yes! - No!
- Yes! - No! - Yes! - No!
Alright, I'll lock you in the cave to die!
And here we are at the interval,
after only 38 seconds.
This really is a cracking pace.
But we must have quite a breather here,
the shortest interval I can remember
was 2 minutes 35 seconds in 1942,
and that was with Sterling Mars
playing widow Twanky.
But no, the curtains are opening,
they're off again,
this is up only 7 seconds, they must
be in there with the chance now.
I will rub the lamp.
I am the genie of the lamp,
what is your command?
- The emperor's daughter.
- Very well, come quick.
- Curses curses meanwhile in the palace.
- Aladdin is great.
- A rich prince, but wait, who is it?
- Who is this?
- I am the emperor, who is that?
- Another rich prince.
- Another rich prince.
- Off with his head! Off with his head!
- Wait!
- Why?
- I am Aladdin!
- Aladdin!
- Now for Abanazar!
- What is your command?
- Oh, curses, curses!
- Die, Abanazar!
- Spare me! Spare me! - Spare him!
- Spare him? - Spare him!
- You are spared
- I am spared!
- I love you. - I love you. - I love you.
- I love you. - I love you. - I love you.
They've done it! They've done it!
A new, pantomime, world land speed record!
1 minute 52 seconds,
a new record for Britain!
What a performance!
And welcome from.
I mean, welcome back.
We'd like to show you a few
things that we got for christmas.
I've got 360 christmas cards.
And I'm not sending any of them
till someone sends me one.
If every day were christmas day,
by some fantastic trick
If every day were christmas day
we'd all be blooming sick.
Well I'm just going to
slip on my new shoes.
If every day were christmas day,
we'd never get uncle Cyril to leave.
And now, here's a request
from the noise abatement society:
Sshhhhhh!
Here you are, Denise,
something to remind you of me.
How lovely...
Oh, some as last year,
and the year before.
- Alright, I'll give it to Mike.
- If I ever think of another present...
Shut your eyes, Denise,
I've got a present for you.
Oh! Lovely. What is it?
Something to make you
popular with the boys.
Football boots! Charming...
And now, here is David 'Hotlips'
Jason to sing "Up, up, and away".
Up, up and away...
And now, here's a viewer's letter.
It comes from Mrs Margaret Forsdyke.
"Since watching your program,
I have become a new person.
Yours sincerely, Mr Arthur Dickens."
Last week, Captain Fantastic thought
next week will be christmas,
and having completed a pine-chilling
survey for the forestry commission,
he branched out on his
christmas expedition.
This is Captain Fantastic speaking.
I had already got my decorations,
and all I needed now was some presents.
Little did I know that there
was trouble in store for me.
Hello, what's that?
Hm, interesting.
Nosy!
Hello, put that mirror back,
keep the place tidy!
What? Mrs. Black?
Can't believe it!
On refraction I decided
it was only a mirage,
I can do well without any more trouble
from the most evil woman in the world.
Hello, here's some nice presents.
Oh yes, aunt Hedy
would like one of these.
Guess I'd better not, that's how
she lost her teeth last christmas.
Little did I know that the
wicked woman was using
her day's release from prison
to attack me once again.
Hello, what was that?
Oh, that's a nice boat there.
Boats, yes, boats boats boats...
Boats. It reminds me
of the time that
that evil woman attempted to
escape from the Island of Black.
Now she converted a seaworthy boat into
the first ever combined raft and submarine.
Oh yes, those were days.
We thought they'd never end.
Now what can I buy
my brolly for christmas?
Let me think now...
You know, in a roundabout way
I couldn't help thinking that
that evil woman was close by.
Meanwhile, Mrs Black was buying presents
for herself with mallets aforethought.
Here then, what can I buy my brolly?
It's her! It's Mrs Black!
Was this neverending battle
beginning to escalate?
Hello! Did she go in there?
Hmm, I wonder...
She IS in there!
Hello. She's like a gnome from gnope.
Hello, father christmas.
I didn't know you reigned here!
Hello sir, how are you?
Any presents for me?
Stone me! I'll teach you to...
Oh, for me? Thank you
very much. Thank you.
Little did father christmas know
of the evil power behind his throne.
Oh, my present from father christmas.
Let's see what's in it.
Mrs Black again! I might have known!
Excuse me, sir.
Excuse me.
May I draw your attention to this sign?
No smoking, if you don't mind, sir.
Terribly sorry...
Oh well, I've managed
to get all my shopping done
in the end, even despite
that old crone.
Let's get... Oh no... Around we go.
Hello, missed the entrance... Exit...
What's happening? I'm going in circles.
Help, can't stop, help. Help!
Don't cry, Captain.
"It is the horror and deep irony"
that make you Captain Fantastic.
See you again soon!
Hello listeners, and welcome
to Christmas Family Choice.
The time in Germany is 1 o'clock,
in Canada it's 8:15,
in Australia it's 11 at night,
in Cyprus it's 4:30,
in Hong Kong it's 6 o'clock, in
New Zealand it's 10:30 in the evening,
in Boloweo it's 9:07,
in Johannesburg it's tea time,
in Rangoon it's 4:10,
in Montevideo it's 7 o'clock,
in Tibet it's 8 minutes past 3,
in Japan it's half past five,
in Greenland it's a quarter past seven,
but here in Britain it's...
time to say goodbye
from Christmas Family Choice.
I'm the urban spaceman, baby,
I've got speed
I've got everything I need
I'm the urban spaceman, baby,
I can fly
I'm a supersonic guy
I don't need pleasure
I don't feel pain
If you were to knock me down
I'd just get up again
I'm the urban spaceman, baby,
I'm makin' out
I'm all about
I wake up every morning
with a smile upon my face
My natural exuberance
spills out all over the place
I'm the urban spaceman,
I'm intelligent and clean
Know what I mean?
I'm the urban spaceman,
as a lover second to none
It's a lot of fun
I never let my friends down
I've never made a boob
I'm a glossy magazine,
an advert in the tube
I'm the urban spaceman, baby,
here comes the twist:
I don't exist
Ah, look! Isn't he sweet!
He wants a little fluffy bunny,
a pogo stick,
a squeacky teddy, a little
rubber duck, a clockwork bus,
a wobbly dumdum bird,
and a set of baby building bricks.
- That's rather a lot, isn't it?
- Well after all he's your father.
And now it's time for party
games, here are some
really exciting games that you
can play this christmas.
And first, from Terry,
here's the A and B game.
Well, all the teams are divided...
the guests, I should say,
are divided into two teams, A and B.
And B are the winners.
Well, you can make it more
complicated if you want to.
Thank you. Now here's Denise to show
you how to tell your friends' fortunes.
Ask their bank managers.
David now with a game
that he's invented himself.
Yes, this is just a game that I've just
sort of thought up actually... It's...
All you need, you see, you get
six stumps, two bats, and a ball.
And it's played on a pitch.
Then you get 22 people and
you dress them all in white,
you see, and you send
them out onto the field.
Now you split these two six stumps and
you put 3 at one end and 3 at the other.
- Rather like cricket?
- Yeah, that... It's just...
Thank you David. And now here's Terry with
a game that you can play all by yourself.
- The laughing rhubarb game.
- Oh yes? What do you do?
You get a stick of rhubarb,
and you laugh at it.
- Stupid game...
- Denise?
This is a wonderful
traditional yuletide game.
It's called the Indian Ocean Game.
Everybody sits round in a circle,
and the first person to mention
that the Indian Ocean is
40,000 fathoms deep, looses.
A rather long game...
But how do you score it?
Well, it's all very simple,
all you need is this simple device:
And bear in mind the simple rule:
X² to the power of 2-5 over 7.83
≈ √ MCC² / X + 0.25 * ⅓ %
Keep that in mind,
you can't go very far wrong.
I know a marvellous game you'll all
enjoy playing, it's called protto.
Here's the book of rules.
Now, everybody who will join us...
Everybody must sit down on the table.
Sit on the table. That's right.
Everybody sit on the table.
Everybody's sitting on the table?
Right then, somebody say a number.
- Alright, three.
- Ah, no, any number but three.
- David, you are protto.
- What?
- Protto!
- What does that mean?
That means you are out of the game.
- Now wait a minute...
- Sorry, sorry!
Now there's four of us left,
four of us left.
Eric? Protto!
- What?
- Protto!
- Why?
You didn't say wurgle!
When there's four people on the table,
then man on the left of the lady
has to say wurgle when there's
a protto or else he's toggit.
- Toggit?
- Toggit is worse than protto,
it means you owe me 5 pounds. You're out.
- Ah, now look here...
Oh, now don't spoil the game Eric,
it's getting ever so exciting.
Right. Three of us, three of us,
three of us. Pagaloe!
- Pagba?
- Come on, pagaloe.
I've said pagaloe!
- What do we do?
Oh dear! When I say pagaloe, you got
to say threbbit or else you miss a turn.
- Threbbit.
- Oh no, no,
when there's three people on the table
the man on the right of the lady
must not say threbbit until two grembles
have been thrunked. You're out, Michael.
Now, you and me, Terry,
you and me. You and me.
Protto, you're still
sitting on the table.
Protto! Protto! Potto!
I've prottoed the lot of you!
Three hundred pounds please!
Why can't we just play snap?
A very merry christmas,
a very merry christmas,
a very merry christmas,
to all of you!
A very merry christmas,
a very merry christmas,
a very merry christmas,
to all of you!
A very merry christmas,
a very merry christmas,
a very merry christmas,
to all of you!
A very merry christmas,
a very merry christmas,
a very merry christmas,
to all of you!
And don't forget, there are only
365 shopping days till christmas!
Are you really enjoying yourself?
Are you having the time of your life?
What are you doing?!
This christmas, say it with flowers:
"Mer-ry christ-mas."
Have you had enough of christmas?
Are you fed up with it?
Tired, and bored stiff?
You must be at my uncle Cyril's.
You know, every christmas I feel like a
little child. But we always get turkey!
Christmas can be a jolly
exciting time for us girls.
But of course we have to be careful
if we're standing under the mistletoe.
Hello, good evening,
and welcome to Christmas Turnaround.
But first of all, a big hello
to all our viewers.
Hello Mrs Green, hello
Mr Green, hello mum.
I think that's everyone.
But first of all, Turnaround takes
a long hard look at christmas.
Well, christmas wouldn't be
the same without food.
But remember: Too much food
at christmas can keep you off work.
So keep eating if you want a week off.
And now for some christmas
cookery hints, over to Ivor Clarke.
Hello again.
Well, christmas is the time of year,
when we put the traditional sixpences
in the christmas pudding.
But, if you don't want to go
through the messy business
of boiling and cleaning the sixpences,
why not put in a cheque instead.
All you need is a simple chequebook.
Here we are. Hmmm, just right.
Now then, first of all, we must count
the money we are going to put in.
Here we are,
10 shillings in sixpences,
42 pounds in thrippences,
and 6 pence.
It's going to be a rather rich
pudding, but who cares?
Now, we simply write out the cheque...
Put your name and address on the back...
Sprinkle with sugar...
And slip it in.
And cook for the financial year.
White I'm at it, may I also recommend
to you, credit cards for the mince pies,
quelle succulence,
and method and his bong,
what better for the turkey
than a lovely roasted fiver?
Hmm, oh, delicieux.
But now for the pudding.
Here we are, I have one made already
and oh looks wonderful, doesn't it, hey?
Oh, here we are,
but it's rather hot, and...
Pardon, the cheque has bounced.
Next year, I show you how to cook
the books. Bon appetit tous!
Thank you, thank you, Ivor.
Don't forget, when you stir the
christmas pudding, make a wish.
I wish I didn't have
to stir this pudding.
Oh. You may wonder what
these have to do with christmas.
The answer is: They're Carol's.
Don't leave them
on my desk, Carol, please.
And now, over to St Herbert in the Green.
And now, at this christmas tide,
let us all join together,
and sing hymn number 25, the one
that - flies south - by Biggles...
A normal service will be
resumed as soon as possible.
Christmas is also the time
when we remember Charles Dickens.
Oh dear, we've forgotten
Charles Dickens.
- He never sends us one.
- True.
But no christmas would be
complete without the circus.
The lions, the elephants, the tigers,
the thrills and spills, the clowns,
the gertie, glamour, and glitter, the ghost
to make up the greatest show on earth.
Yes, the circus. And here to talk
about it is Mr E.R. Sopworth.
Good afternoon.
In my lecture 'the circus',
I will try and convey some of
the wonderful fun and gaiety
of this occasion with
the aid of some pictures.
Let us start at the beginning.
What happens when the circus comes to town?
The answer is a trafic jam.
Here is a picture of a traffic jam.
Can you spot the loveable seals?
As soon as the circus arrive,
they start work putting up the big top:
A tent much like this one,
but about 140 times bigger.
Then all is ready for the opening night.
The audience wait expectantly
around the ring.
And then they wait for the
glorious sounds of the circus music.
Yes, soon we all thrill
of the colour and glamour
of the grand parade,
which excites everybody.
This is my friend mr Sopwith prior to
being excited by the grand parade.
Yes, the circus is indeed
a wonderful entertainment.
There is nothing in the world
as exciting as the ring masters,
the dancing elephants,
and the brave lion tamer.
And the thrill... spectacular thrills
of the acrobats on the tightrope.
And the wonderful antics of the clowns.
Thank you very much.
I hope I've managed
to convey to you
some of the glamour of this
wonderful entertainment.
Next week I'll be doing Ben-Hur.
So much for the greatest show on earth.
But above all, christmas
is a time for entertaining.
I hope you don't mind, darling,
we've got the vicar for christmas dinner.
- Oh, very nice too, I do enjoy...
- Good evening.
And now, here's something for all those
who've got to spend christmas on their own.
That was Carol.
And now, Turnaround takes a look
at christmas around the world.
And first of all, Africa.
Come in, Africa.
Thank you, Africa.
And now, over to Australia.
Come in, Australia. Hello Sydney.
- Hello Norman.
Well I'm sorry Sydney, that's all we've got
time for, because we've got to move on
15,000 miles to the remote
mountainous regions of Afghanistan.
Over now to Afhanistan.
How are you spending your christmas there?
- We are eating it
- I beg your pardon?
Oh yes, we are eating our roast
christmas to celebrate turkey day.
And then we are drinking
the steaming mistletou,
and exchaning a kiss under the pudding.
After that we shall pull a tree,
and unwrap our turkey presents
from around the cracker.
For as you know, turkey day's
the season of good grief,
when we hang the stuffing on the wall,
and father easter fills up
our stockings with cement.
So from Afghanistan we are saying,
very merry turkey and a happy last year!
Thank you. Thank you, Afghanistan.
And now, come in, Raquel Welch.
Oh well, it was worth a try.
And now, here's a word
for all of those
who've been lucky enough
to get away for christmas.
Keep out of sight and
don't appear on television.
And now, here's something for all of
you who are spending christmas in bed.
And now, beauty desk.
Hello. Welcome to Beauty Desk.
Well of course
christmas is a time.
when rough winds can play
havoc with a complexion.
And ladies especially have
a lot of trouble with chaps.
Well, the best way to avoid
nasty chaps is to wrap up...
- Hear hear!
- ...in a nice warm coat.
Well, I'm extremely flattered
that the boys have all got together
and they've bought me a real fox fur.
I'd like to show it to you.
Well I'm sorry about that.
The fox fur wasn't quite ready.
New for you on beautydesk this christmas
is Arthur Nixon's rejuvenating cream.
Leaves you as young and lovely,
as the day you were born.
Christmas is also a jolly good
time for germs and bugs.
Well, what do you do for a cold?
You just stand out in the snow
and get your feet wet, it's easy.
Thank you. Next week, we shall
be looking at cough mixture.
Does it really make you cough?
And finally, the minister of transport
issued this christmas appeal
to motorists: Can anone give
him a life to Leicester?
We end our searching scathing
battering probe into christmas
with a final government surplus film
of vital importance to us all.
Are you searching for adventure?
Are you looking for a worthwhile
job away from city street?
Want to learn a useful trade?
Like the idea of discipline?
Then why not become one of her
majesty's father christmasses?
At the royal father christmas
college, you can join up
and learn the vital skills of the
20th century father christmas.
You can't go wrong under the firm guidance
of a regular modern-commissioned gnome.
Every father christmas must be
an expert at sack-handling.
Any roof could be a death trap
for a man with a sack who didn't
have lightning reactions.
They must be ready, anywhere,
anytime, with any present.
To get into any chimney
pot in the world,
every father christmas
must be slim and muscular.
That's why here at the royal college,
the gnomes are so keen
on difficult training.
Remember, on christmas eve,
they do this sort of thing in the dark.
But don't think being father christmas is
all that it's bang up to be. Happy landing!
But even the first father christmas
in space will owe his success
to those months of training
at the royal college.
You know, there's one thing they say
about the men in red:
They always get their chimney.
Yes, it's a man's life
in the fairy grotto.
By a waterfall
I'm calling you-ou-ou-ou
We can share it all
Beneath a ceiling of blue
We'll spend a heavenly day
Here where the whispering waters play
There's a whippoorwill
He's calling you-ou-ou-ou
By a waterfall he's dreaming too
There's a magic melody
Mother Nature sings to me
Beside a waterfall with you
Now it's your turn.
By a waterfall
I'm calling you-ou-ou-ou
You-hou-hou-hou
We can share it all
Beneath a ceiling of blue
You-hou-hou-hou
We'll spend a heavenly day
Here where the whispering waters play
Play! Play! Play! Play!
There's a whippoorwill
He's calling you-ou-ou-ou
You-hou-hou-hou
By a waterfall he's dreaming too
There's a magic melody
Mother Nature sings to me
Beside a waterfall with you
Hou-hou, hou-hou, hou-hou...
Thank you, thank you. Thank you
wonderful boys for a wonderful song.
Wonderful to have you
with us this christmas time
yes indeed ladies and gentlemen,
the Bonzo Dog Band,
six wonderful boys from Lewisham,
down there in the south of France.
Well, I just like to take
this opportunity to wish you
a very very very truly happy
christmas to all you
out there in your homes,
and I mean that very sincerely.
Well it's talent spotting time once again,
and this week I want you to give
a great big christmas time welcome
to a young man who's making
a big impression on everybody,
Mr Ron Terrible from
Canterbury in Yorkshire,
accompanied by his very beautiful
wife Normer, ladies and gentlemen,
a big hand please for
Ron and Normer Terrible.
Good evening.
Ron would like to do for you first,
the greater crested grebe, a bird.
And now, two greater crested grebes.
Three greater crested grebes.
Two greater crested grebes.
And now, two greater crested grebes
near a country railway line.
And now, the London Symphony Orchestra.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
the London Symphony Orchestra
on a barge going up the Zambezi
river in a terrible storm.
Complete silence, please.
Thank you, thank you. Thank you
Ron, thank you Norma. Terrible.
Now it's film time everybody,
and I just want you to remember
that the entire proceeds of this film
go to the victims of my show.
As we give for you Terry Gilliam's
film, "The Christmas Card".
December 25th, 1968.
Somewhere in London.
Sorry sir. Wrong address.
Hello, and welcome to the El Member
theatre here in the heart of Jearo,
where we're about
to witness an attempt
on the world pantomime speed
record by the Corduing players.
The existing record is 8 minutes,
30 seconds, Mother Goose.
And here, I can see the stage
is ready, the starter's in position,
so here with "Aladdin" is
the Corduing players attempt
on the world allcomers
pantomime landspeed record.
Marks... Set...
With this ring I will rule the world!
I am the genie of the ring,
what is thy wish?
- To rule the world!
- You should meet the genie of the lamp,
...whom only Aladdin can control.
- Curses curses curses!
Hello hello hello, I'm the widow Twanky
and this is my son Aladdin.
- Aladdin.
- He's in love with the emperor's daughter.
I am the emperor's daughter,
and Aladdin loves me,
but if the police find out,
they'll put him in jail.
- Hello hello hello!
- They found out!
- They found out! - I found out.
- He's found out. - I arrest you.
- Who will save me?
- I will save you, come with me!
Heavens, what a dark cave!
Yes it is a dark cave, give me the lamp!
- No! - Yes! - No! - Yes! - No!
- Yes! - No! - Yes! - No!
Alright, I'll lock you in the cave to die!
And here we are at the interval,
after only 38 seconds.
This really is a cracking pace.
But we must have quite a breather here,
the shortest interval I can remember
was 2 minutes 35 seconds in 1942,
and that was with Sterling Mars
playing widow Twanky.
But no, the curtains are opening,
they're off again,
this is up only 7 seconds, they must
be in there with the chance now.
I will rub the lamp.
I am the genie of the lamp,
what is your command?
- The emperor's daughter.
- Very well, come quick.
- Curses curses meanwhile in the palace.
- Aladdin is great.
- A rich prince, but wait, who is it?
- Who is this?
- I am the emperor, who is that?
- Another rich prince.
- Another rich prince.
- Off with his head! Off with his head!
- Wait!
- Why?
- I am Aladdin!
- Aladdin!
- Now for Abanazar!
- What is your command?
- Oh, curses, curses!
- Die, Abanazar!
- Spare me! Spare me! - Spare him!
- Spare him? - Spare him!
- You are spared
- I am spared!
- I love you. - I love you. - I love you.
- I love you. - I love you. - I love you.
They've done it! They've done it!
A new, pantomime, world land speed record!
1 minute 52 seconds,
a new record for Britain!
What a performance!
And welcome from.
I mean, welcome back.
We'd like to show you a few
things that we got for christmas.
I've got 360 christmas cards.
And I'm not sending any of them
till someone sends me one.
If every day were christmas day,
by some fantastic trick
If every day were christmas day
we'd all be blooming sick.
Well I'm just going to
slip on my new shoes.
If every day were christmas day,
we'd never get uncle Cyril to leave.
And now, here's a request
from the noise abatement society:
Sshhhhhh!
Here you are, Denise,
something to remind you of me.
How lovely...
Oh, some as last year,
and the year before.
- Alright, I'll give it to Mike.
- If I ever think of another present...
Shut your eyes, Denise,
I've got a present for you.
Oh! Lovely. What is it?
Something to make you
popular with the boys.
Football boots! Charming...
And now, here is David 'Hotlips'
Jason to sing "Up, up, and away".
Up, up and away...
And now, here's a viewer's letter.
It comes from Mrs Margaret Forsdyke.
"Since watching your program,
I have become a new person.
Yours sincerely, Mr Arthur Dickens."
Last week, Captain Fantastic thought
next week will be christmas,
and having completed a pine-chilling
survey for the forestry commission,
he branched out on his
christmas expedition.
This is Captain Fantastic speaking.
I had already got my decorations,
and all I needed now was some presents.
Little did I know that there
was trouble in store for me.
Hello, what's that?
Hm, interesting.
Nosy!
Hello, put that mirror back,
keep the place tidy!
What? Mrs. Black?
Can't believe it!
On refraction I decided
it was only a mirage,
I can do well without any more trouble
from the most evil woman in the world.
Hello, here's some nice presents.
Oh yes, aunt Hedy
would like one of these.
Guess I'd better not, that's how
she lost her teeth last christmas.
Little did I know that the
wicked woman was using
her day's release from prison
to attack me once again.
Hello, what was that?
Oh, that's a nice boat there.
Boats, yes, boats boats boats...
Boats. It reminds me
of the time that
that evil woman attempted to
escape from the Island of Black.
Now she converted a seaworthy boat into
the first ever combined raft and submarine.
Oh yes, those were days.
We thought they'd never end.
Now what can I buy
my brolly for christmas?
Let me think now...
You know, in a roundabout way
I couldn't help thinking that
that evil woman was close by.
Meanwhile, Mrs Black was buying presents
for herself with mallets aforethought.
Here then, what can I buy my brolly?
It's her! It's Mrs Black!
Was this neverending battle
beginning to escalate?
Hello! Did she go in there?
Hmm, I wonder...
She IS in there!
Hello. She's like a gnome from gnope.
Hello, father christmas.
I didn't know you reigned here!
Hello sir, how are you?
Any presents for me?
Stone me! I'll teach you to...
Oh, for me? Thank you
very much. Thank you.
Little did father christmas know
of the evil power behind his throne.
Oh, my present from father christmas.
Let's see what's in it.
Mrs Black again! I might have known!
Excuse me, sir.
Excuse me.
May I draw your attention to this sign?
No smoking, if you don't mind, sir.
Terribly sorry...
Oh well, I've managed
to get all my shopping done
in the end, even despite
that old crone.
Let's get... Oh no... Around we go.
Hello, missed the entrance... Exit...
What's happening? I'm going in circles.
Help, can't stop, help. Help!
Don't cry, Captain.
"It is the horror and deep irony"
that make you Captain Fantastic.
See you again soon!
Hello listeners, and welcome
to Christmas Family Choice.
The time in Germany is 1 o'clock,
in Canada it's 8:15,
in Australia it's 11 at night,
in Cyprus it's 4:30,
in Hong Kong it's 6 o'clock, in
New Zealand it's 10:30 in the evening,
in Boloweo it's 9:07,
in Johannesburg it's tea time,
in Rangoon it's 4:10,
in Montevideo it's 7 o'clock,
in Tibet it's 8 minutes past 3,
in Japan it's half past five,
in Greenland it's a quarter past seven,
but here in Britain it's...
time to say goodbye
from Christmas Family Choice.
I'm the urban spaceman, baby,
I've got speed
I've got everything I need
I'm the urban spaceman, baby,
I can fly
I'm a supersonic guy
I don't need pleasure
I don't feel pain
If you were to knock me down
I'd just get up again
I'm the urban spaceman, baby,
I'm makin' out
I'm all about
I wake up every morning
with a smile upon my face
My natural exuberance
spills out all over the place
I'm the urban spaceman,
I'm intelligent and clean
Know what I mean?
I'm the urban spaceman,
as a lover second to none
It's a lot of fun
I never let my friends down
I've never made a boob
I'm a glossy magazine,
an advert in the tube
I'm the urban spaceman, baby,
here comes the twist:
I don't exist
Ah, look! Isn't he sweet!
He wants a little fluffy bunny,
a pogo stick,
a squeacky teddy, a little
rubber duck, a clockwork bus,
a wobbly dumdum bird,
and a set of baby building bricks.
- That's rather a lot, isn't it?
- Well after all he's your father.
And now it's time for party
games, here are some
really exciting games that you
can play this christmas.
And first, from Terry,
here's the A and B game.
Well, all the teams are divided...
the guests, I should say,
are divided into two teams, A and B.
And B are the winners.
Well, you can make it more
complicated if you want to.
Thank you. Now here's Denise to show
you how to tell your friends' fortunes.
Ask their bank managers.
David now with a game
that he's invented himself.
Yes, this is just a game that I've just
sort of thought up actually... It's...
All you need, you see, you get
six stumps, two bats, and a ball.
And it's played on a pitch.
Then you get 22 people and
you dress them all in white,
you see, and you send
them out onto the field.
Now you split these two six stumps and
you put 3 at one end and 3 at the other.
- Rather like cricket?
- Yeah, that... It's just...
Thank you David. And now here's Terry with
a game that you can play all by yourself.
- The laughing rhubarb game.
- Oh yes? What do you do?
You get a stick of rhubarb,
and you laugh at it.
- Stupid game...
- Denise?
This is a wonderful
traditional yuletide game.
It's called the Indian Ocean Game.
Everybody sits round in a circle,
and the first person to mention
that the Indian Ocean is
40,000 fathoms deep, looses.
A rather long game...
But how do you score it?
Well, it's all very simple,
all you need is this simple device:
And bear in mind the simple rule:
X² to the power of 2-5 over 7.83
≈ √ MCC² / X + 0.25 * ⅓ %
Keep that in mind,
you can't go very far wrong.
I know a marvellous game you'll all
enjoy playing, it's called protto.
Here's the book of rules.
Now, everybody who will join us...
Everybody must sit down on the table.
Sit on the table. That's right.
Everybody sit on the table.
Everybody's sitting on the table?
Right then, somebody say a number.
- Alright, three.
- Ah, no, any number but three.
- David, you are protto.
- What?
- Protto!
- What does that mean?
That means you are out of the game.
- Now wait a minute...
- Sorry, sorry!
Now there's four of us left,
four of us left.
Eric? Protto!
- What?
- Protto!
- Why?
You didn't say wurgle!
When there's four people on the table,
then man on the left of the lady
has to say wurgle when there's
a protto or else he's toggit.
- Toggit?
- Toggit is worse than protto,
it means you owe me 5 pounds. You're out.
- Ah, now look here...
Oh, now don't spoil the game Eric,
it's getting ever so exciting.
Right. Three of us, three of us,
three of us. Pagaloe!
- Pagba?
- Come on, pagaloe.
I've said pagaloe!
- What do we do?
Oh dear! When I say pagaloe, you got
to say threbbit or else you miss a turn.
- Threbbit.
- Oh no, no,
when there's three people on the table
the man on the right of the lady
must not say threbbit until two grembles
have been thrunked. You're out, Michael.
Now, you and me, Terry,
you and me. You and me.
Protto, you're still
sitting on the table.
Protto! Protto! Potto!
I've prottoed the lot of you!
Three hundred pounds please!
Why can't we just play snap?
A very merry christmas,
a very merry christmas,
a very merry christmas,
to all of you!
A very merry christmas,
a very merry christmas,
a very merry christmas,
to all of you!
A very merry christmas,
a very merry christmas,
a very merry christmas,
to all of you!
A very merry christmas,
a very merry christmas,
a very merry christmas,
to all of you!
And don't forget, there are only
365 shopping days till christmas!