Do Not Adjust Your Set (1967–1969): Season 1, Episode 13 - Episode #1.12 - full transcript
(THEME TUNE PLAYS QUIETLY)
(THEME TUNE GETS LOUDER)
(THEME TUNE DISTORTS)
(MUSIC STOPS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(THEME TUNE PLAYS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
ANNOUNCER:
Yes, we present Do Not Adjust Your Set
the "get up and go" show!
Whenever it comes on,
people all over the country..
- Get up and go!
- CROWD: Get up and go!
(Hl-HAT PLAYS)
Hi there. Nice to be with you.
Like to introduce you to "Legs" Larry Smith
drums...
And Michael Palin, garden rake.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Come in, Dave Clague, bass guitar.
(BASS PLAYS)
And Neil Innes, piano.
(PIANO PLAYS)
Hello, Rodney Ruskin Slater on tenor sax.
(SAXOPHONE PLAYS)
And Roger Ruskin Spear on the alto sax.
- (SAXOPHONE PLAYS)
- I'd like to introduce myself on trumpet.
(TRUMPET PLAYS)
it's nothing. I'd like to introduce you now
to David Jason on spoons.
And Ms Denise Coffey on tuba.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Denise, that's "de-nice"!
Hello, Eric Idle on temple bells.
Hi, Eric.
Come in, Terry Jones on toast.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
That's kinda groovy, Terry!
- (MUSIC CHANGES)
- Oh, dear.
I'm afraid that's all we have time for,
ladies and gentlemen
but many of you have written in asking me,
"Will you play the next one?"
And this one is especially for you,
Mr I Smith of Salisbury, Rhodesia
and also Mr Ngbaba Kulu for his son
Sabu of Notting Hill Gate number.
The next one we're going to play
is "Do Not Adjust Your Set".
We've got an absolutely great bill
for you this week.
It's 17 and 11.
- (MUSIC STOPS)
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Goodbye again and welcome.
At this time each week
for the next few days,
we shall be looking at
how prominent people
cope with the problems of falling over.
This week's guest is David Jason.
Next week's guest is David Jason.
And the week after that,
we've been lucky enough to get
David Jason.
Now, sir. What's your name?
Hm?
- David Jason.
- Oh, yes, I'm sorry. Yes.
Now David Jason is going to illustrate
how to fall over.
Did you enjoy that? I did.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And now, Little Dave is going to show us
how to fall over again.
And again.
And again.
And again.
And again.
Yes, there's always some more
on his latest LP
"David Jason Falls At
The Royal Albert Hall."
And again. And again.
Now, the subject of cowboys
has been on everybody's lips recently.
And we have with us in the studio tonight,
a Mr Arthur Cumming.
In fact, the Mr Arthur Cumming
who has brought along a relic
of the old wild and woolly West.
Yes, I have.
Could we see it, please?
Certainly, yes, certainly.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
No, I said "wild and woolly West "
Oh, I'm sorry,
I thought you said "woolly vest".
I'm terribly sorry,
I thought he said "woolly vest".
I've never seen a woolly West.
I once met Peter West but I haven't
brought him along to the studio to show you
- I'm afraid.
- Yes, thank you, Mr Cumming.
And now, over to the weather room
and Terry Jones.
(JINGLE PLAYS)
Well, hello again
and weather to the welcome forecast.
Well, it's been today all over the country
and this morning in parts of North Wales
and early Scotland.
The worst of the Pennines,
there have been patches of yesterday
interspersed with a little last year.
Well, the look up this evening is tonight.
And tomorrow should be just about the same
provided it isn't last week
by the time we reach it.
Well, that's this up me under this evening.
So, for now I'll say pudding,
but I'll be out again earlier off
when I'll be blowed with some more twaddle.
Happy birthday!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(BAND PLAYS)
Oh, Mr Burton, I'm so glad you've come.
Not at all, Mrs Merriweather.
- Now, what exactly is the trouble, eh?
- Well, it's little Snowy.
He's crawled under the sofa there,
he won't come out, he won't eat any food
and he's so miserable!
I see. Well, it's probably just a chill
he's got or something.
Anyway, let's have a look
at the little chap, shall we?
- Yes, he's under here.
- I see.
Come along now, Snowy! Come to Mummy!
There you are. Don't worry, nice Mr Burton
the vet's going to make you all better.
Come on...
(HE SCREAMS)
- What's the matter?
- Oh, you never told me it was a hamster!
- I thought it was a nice little doggie!
- But you're a vet!
I know, but I don't like hamsters!
They're all small and creepy
and they don't say anything.
And I'm allergic to them!
Oh, come along now.
- See what a lovely hamster...
- No! No!
Oh! Off! Off!
Down! Down! Down!
Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
I can feel my allergy coming on!
Peeky-bo! Peeky-bo!
Bo! Peeky-bo!
Hello, Dr Figgis?
This is Mrs Merriweather here.
Could you come round immediately, please,
as quick as you can?
I came as quick as I could.
He's over here!
- He's gone all funny!
- Let's have a look at the chap.
(HE SCREAMS)
You never told me it was a vet!
- I'm allergic to them!
- (THEY SCREECH)
- Cuckoo!
- Cuckoo!
(THEY SHOUT NONSENSE)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
("JINGLE BELLS" PLAYS)
Good evening.
Please post early for Christmas.
Because of the difficulties of dealing
with the rush, the closing date
for posting your cards and letters this
year to arrive on time for Christmas
is May 27th.
Now, this may seem like a long time
but don't forget some of our postmen
walk very slowly.
The closing date for your parcels
is the day before yesterday.
But don't worry about posting your letters
and cards to your friends in Japan
because they'll arrive in plenty of time
for Christmas 1970.
Well, it was five minutes ago, anyway.
Well, these arrangements have been made
so that your Christmas mail
will arrive on time.
And that you and your friends can have
a very happy Christmas Day on November 9th.
Hm? Oh.
November 12th.
July 14th?
August 5th?
I'm fired?
No, don't go away!
I'll get it right in a minute.
Thirty days have September, April...
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Hello?
Georgie-peorgie?
Guess who this is.
Go on, I'll give you three guesses.
No, it's not Mr Blenkinsop.
No, it's not Gloria.
No, it's not Shirley.
Daphne? Who's Daphne?
Suzie's friend?
Who's Suzie?
No, it's not Myra or Petrinelle!
It's... it's Lucy!
Your wife!
I just rang to say I love you!
(SHE SOBS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Would you send in Humphries, please?
Oh, dear. I do so hate sacking anyone.
Yes, I know, I know.
But if he's got to go, he's got to go.
We'll just have to break it to him gently,
that's all.
Come in, old chap, come in.
Sit down. Sit down, won't you?
Oh, I see. No, over there.
Well... Ha.
How did you like it here?
I mean, how do you like it here?
Well, sir, you know, when you've been
at a place for 20 years
you know, you get used to it.
Twenty years, eh?
Right, I-I hadn't realised
it was as long as that.
Uh, this is Mr Withers.
Uh, well, I'm going to be blunt with you
and I'm going to be honest.
I'm going to be bluntly honest.
I'm not going to beat about the bush.
I'm going to go straight to the point.
Straight to the point.
And I'm going to be ruthless.
So, over to you, Sir Charles.
Oh, um...
Yes, well, phew!
In those 20 years, you've given the firm
some wonderful service.
Oh, oh, yes, oh, I wouldn't dream
of working nowhere else, sir.
- Wouldn't you?
- No.
Not even Robertson's up the road
where they've got lots of vacancies
and it's on your way home, very nice?
Oh, no, sir, no. Wouldn't work up there.
I mean, besides, after all, I mean,
I wouldn't get a job now, would I?
- Not at my age!
- Oh, nonsense, old chap.
You'd get a job anywhere if you were fired.
I mean, if you, um...
if you couldn't come,
if you couldn't get in,
if anything happened to
you, if you were ill
or in trouble or if you fell out of
a window or over to Mr Withers.
Uh, look, old man, I mean, can you imagine
why we asked you here?
No, sir. No, I haven't got any idea.
Oh, how awful!
Look, suppose I was to tell you the firm
hadn't been doing too well recently.
What would your reaction be?
Well, I reckon I'll have to work
harder then, sir, wouldn't I?
- Ha-ha!
- WITHERS: Oh, dear.
Look, what does Santa Claus carry
over his shoulder?
Beg your pardon, sir?
What does Santa carry on his back?
Well, erm...
Sack, sack of toys!
- And that's what you've got!
- What, a sack of toys?
Without the toys.
I've... I'm afraid I don't understand, sir.
Oh, dear. Look, what am I doing now?
Firing a gun, sir!
That's it. Now, if the gun were you,
what would I be doing then?
L-I don't know, sir.
Supposing the gun were called Mr Humphries,
then what would I be doing?
Firing a Mr Humphries, do you see?
You'd be fired!
You... you mean I'm...
I'm fired?
Oh, no, no, no, not fired, really.
No, no.
Not like a gun.
- No, you're shot.
- You're shot.
After 20 years of service,
I'm-I'm gonna be fired?
- Yes, you're shot.
- Shot, that's right.
Shot up, shot up. Promoted.
Well done. Oh, God.
Well done, Humphries, old chap. You may go.
- Thank you, sir, for the promotion.
- Alright.
Bye-bye, sir.
Oh, dear, Sir Charles, I...
I just couldn't bring myself to do it.
I know, I know, Withers.
it just makes this next bit
all the more
difficult, that's all.
- What do you mean?
- Well, Withers...
Suppose I'm Santa Claus and I'm pointing
a gun called Mr Withers at you...
What am I going to do?
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
# You read in the papers
'bout Comedy Capers #
# And here we are, back again! #
Hey!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Ahem, I'm terribly sorry about that.
Seems we got some interference
from a pirate station.
You are, in actual fact, supposed
to be watching "Do Not Adjust Your Set"
- and...
- (THEME MUSIC PLAYS)
God! Stone me!
Everything's going wrong here today.
- (THEME TUNE PLAYS)
- Thanks very much.
Right, now,
if we could just adjust the camera
- perhaps I could make my next
announcement. - (INSTRUMENTS PLAY)
Thank you, friend.
Now, ahem...
it's my turn to be rude about
the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band this week.
And I have worked out...
something very rude to say about them.
Ahem. Ready?
The Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band are...
not very good!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(MUSIC: "TUBAS IN THE MOONLIGHT"
BY THE BONZO DOG DOO-DAH BAND)
# Through the twilight I can hear
the humming of a melancholy coon #
(DISTANT HUM)
# For the memories that still linger,
I thank you, Mr Moon #
# But although I've never smiled #
# Since we said our sad goodbyes #
# Now there's one tune to remind me #
# Why I feel so blue #
# Tubas in the moonlight #
# Playing for me all night #
# Tell me what I want to hear #
# Am I only dreaming? #
# Am I only scheming? #
# Arms about me, squeeze me tightly #
# Why can't she be
sitting here beside me? #
# Tubas in the moonlight #
# Will bring my loved one home #
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(HE COUGHS)
(TUBA GURGLES)
# Tubas in the moonlight #
# Will bring my loved one home #
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
- Well?
- Oh, yes!
- That's lovely, I think.
- Yes.
Well, good luck with the play.
- Thank you, thank you.
- Hope it goes well.
# Da-da-di-di-da... #
Ah, good morning, gentlemen.
Uh, good morning.
My friend and I are going to a fancy dress
ball tonight.
- Yes?
- And we'd like to go
as the three musketeers.
But there's only two of you, sir?
- Oh.
- Oh.
(HE WHISPERS)
Would you like to come with us?
Well, that's very kind of you, sir,
but, um...
I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to come
without my wife and that would make four.
- Oh.
- Oh.
(HE WHISPERS)
Well, in that case,
we'd like to go as the three blind mice.
Well, basically, sir,
there's the same objection to that one.
There aren't quite enough of you.
- Oh.
- Oh.
(THEY WHISPER)
What would you suggest then?
Well, um...
How about the two gentlemen of Verona?
- Oh, yes, that's a very good idea.
- Yes, that's very good.
How many do we need?
- How many what?
- How many people?
Oh, just the two of you, sir.
A duet, it is, a costume duo for two.
The two gentlemen of Verona, you see?
Where will we get the other one then?
You won't need him, sir.
But he's probably been
looking forward to it.
Um...
Look, gentlemen, why don't you go as
Tweedledum and Tweedledee?
You, sir, can go as Tweedledum,
and you as Tweedledee.
What will you be?
I'm not going, sir.
Oh, well, in that case, there's no problem.
We can go as the three
musketeers after all.
No, you can't!
Er... l mean, no, you can't, sir.
You have to have three for that,
and there are only four of you.
Two of you!
Now, you've got to have something, sir,
for two.
- Forty-two?
- Ah, no.
"For two."
- "For two."
- "For two."
- For two.
- "Fortoo."
"Fortoo."
(HE WHISPERS)
- I've got an idea.
- Oh, good.
Yes, we'd like to go as...
(HE WHISPERS)
The Grand Old Duke of York
and his 10,000 men.
Well, of course we can do that, sir.
That's easy.
The Grand Old Duke of York
and his 10,000 men.
We had them in last week.
- (TRUMPET PLAYS)
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
We've done it, sir! We've done it!
A new breakthrough in dog food.
It's got 23 different ingredients,
14 different kinds of meat
eight kinds of vitamins
and four different kinds of vegetables.
And it's got an enriched beef gravy
that no dog will be able to resist.
I hope you like it, sir.
(HE SNIFFS)
(DOG BARKS)
(MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)
ANNOUNCER: Last week,
I was strolling on the Embankment
when suddenly...
CAPTAIN FANTASTIC:
This is Captain Fantastic speaking.
Last week, I "succsessfully"
lost Mrs Black in a dustbin.
Where would she appear next, I "prondered"?
(SHE CACKLES)
(TANGO ON THE PIANO PLAYS)
CAPTAIN FANTASTIC:
Could she have lost her way?
- (MANIC MUSIC PLAYS)
- 'Cause I definitely lost mine.
- (HONKYTONK PIANO MUSIC)
- But according to my umbrella
this must be the plaice!
There was something fishy going on...
Suddenly,
I detected an almost imperceptible clue.
(MANIC MUSIC PLAYS)
it was her!
A-ha!
Ow! Oof...
(HE MUTTERS)
- (PASO DOBLE PLAYS)
- It was painfully obvious...
I had jumped to the wrong conclusion.
- (HONKYTONK PIANO MUSIC PLAYS)
- But just a minute!
There could be no mistake this time.
(MELODRAMATIC MUSIC RETURNS)
(MANIC MUSIC RESUMES)
(HE MUTTERS)
Lifted that... she's not there, so...
(SHE CACKLES)
CAPTAIN FANTASTIC:
At last, I'd worked it out.
She wasn't there.
- (HONKYTONK PIANO MUSIC PLAYS)
- Where was she?
Suddenly, I felt somebody
was trying to give me a clue.
(MRS BLACK CACKLES)
There she was!
I wasn't gonna fall for any more
of her tricks!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
I advanced stealthily.
And then...
Argh!
So, more of her hanka-panky!
As she fled, I seized a convenient lifebelt
and charged!
Only temporarily delayed...
I suddenly saw her resorting
to her horrible handbag.
What help could she be summoning?
Blow me! A Blit Boat!
She was escaping once again!
And I was powerless!
ANNOUNCER: Has Mrs Black
finally eluded Captain Fantastic?
Can he catch her before she finally brings
her evil plans to fruition?
Will I be out of a job after next week's
final, spine-chilling instalment of...
Captain Fantastic?
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
ANNOUNCER: And now we present another
in our series, Musicians At Work.
Number two, The Mouldy Peacetime Ensemble.
(CANNED APPLAUSE)
(ALL CLEAR THROATS LOUDLY)
(THEY COUGH AND SNEEZE)
(PIANO PLAYS A TUNING NOTE)
(THEY SNEEZE TO TUNE OF "THE BLUE DANUBE")
# Ah-ah-ah-ah #
- # Choo #
- # Achoo #
# Achoo #
# Ah-ah-ah-ah #
- # Choo #
- # Achoo #
# Achoo #
# Ah-ah-ah-achoo #
# Achoo, achoo #
- # Ah-ah-ah-ah #
- # Choo #
- # Ahem #
- # Achoo #
- (HE COUGHS)
- # Ach! #
- # Achoo #
- # Achoo #
- # Ah-ah-ah-ah #
- # Choo #
# Ahem! #
# Ahhhh #
(HE SNIFFS)
# Hic! #
# Ahem! #
# Achoo! #
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(THEME TUNE GETS LOUDER)
(THEME TUNE DISTORTS)
(MUSIC STOPS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(THEME TUNE PLAYS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
ANNOUNCER:
Yes, we present Do Not Adjust Your Set
the "get up and go" show!
Whenever it comes on,
people all over the country..
- Get up and go!
- CROWD: Get up and go!
(Hl-HAT PLAYS)
Hi there. Nice to be with you.
Like to introduce you to "Legs" Larry Smith
drums...
And Michael Palin, garden rake.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Come in, Dave Clague, bass guitar.
(BASS PLAYS)
And Neil Innes, piano.
(PIANO PLAYS)
Hello, Rodney Ruskin Slater on tenor sax.
(SAXOPHONE PLAYS)
And Roger Ruskin Spear on the alto sax.
- (SAXOPHONE PLAYS)
- I'd like to introduce myself on trumpet.
(TRUMPET PLAYS)
it's nothing. I'd like to introduce you now
to David Jason on spoons.
And Ms Denise Coffey on tuba.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Denise, that's "de-nice"!
Hello, Eric Idle on temple bells.
Hi, Eric.
Come in, Terry Jones on toast.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
That's kinda groovy, Terry!
- (MUSIC CHANGES)
- Oh, dear.
I'm afraid that's all we have time for,
ladies and gentlemen
but many of you have written in asking me,
"Will you play the next one?"
And this one is especially for you,
Mr I Smith of Salisbury, Rhodesia
and also Mr Ngbaba Kulu for his son
Sabu of Notting Hill Gate number.
The next one we're going to play
is "Do Not Adjust Your Set".
We've got an absolutely great bill
for you this week.
It's 17 and 11.
- (MUSIC STOPS)
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Goodbye again and welcome.
At this time each week
for the next few days,
we shall be looking at
how prominent people
cope with the problems of falling over.
This week's guest is David Jason.
Next week's guest is David Jason.
And the week after that,
we've been lucky enough to get
David Jason.
Now, sir. What's your name?
Hm?
- David Jason.
- Oh, yes, I'm sorry. Yes.
Now David Jason is going to illustrate
how to fall over.
Did you enjoy that? I did.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And now, Little Dave is going to show us
how to fall over again.
And again.
And again.
And again.
And again.
Yes, there's always some more
on his latest LP
"David Jason Falls At
The Royal Albert Hall."
And again. And again.
Now, the subject of cowboys
has been on everybody's lips recently.
And we have with us in the studio tonight,
a Mr Arthur Cumming.
In fact, the Mr Arthur Cumming
who has brought along a relic
of the old wild and woolly West.
Yes, I have.
Could we see it, please?
Certainly, yes, certainly.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
No, I said "wild and woolly West "
Oh, I'm sorry,
I thought you said "woolly vest".
I'm terribly sorry,
I thought he said "woolly vest".
I've never seen a woolly West.
I once met Peter West but I haven't
brought him along to the studio to show you
- I'm afraid.
- Yes, thank you, Mr Cumming.
And now, over to the weather room
and Terry Jones.
(JINGLE PLAYS)
Well, hello again
and weather to the welcome forecast.
Well, it's been today all over the country
and this morning in parts of North Wales
and early Scotland.
The worst of the Pennines,
there have been patches of yesterday
interspersed with a little last year.
Well, the look up this evening is tonight.
And tomorrow should be just about the same
provided it isn't last week
by the time we reach it.
Well, that's this up me under this evening.
So, for now I'll say pudding,
but I'll be out again earlier off
when I'll be blowed with some more twaddle.
Happy birthday!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(BAND PLAYS)
Oh, Mr Burton, I'm so glad you've come.
Not at all, Mrs Merriweather.
- Now, what exactly is the trouble, eh?
- Well, it's little Snowy.
He's crawled under the sofa there,
he won't come out, he won't eat any food
and he's so miserable!
I see. Well, it's probably just a chill
he's got or something.
Anyway, let's have a look
at the little chap, shall we?
- Yes, he's under here.
- I see.
Come along now, Snowy! Come to Mummy!
There you are. Don't worry, nice Mr Burton
the vet's going to make you all better.
Come on...
(HE SCREAMS)
- What's the matter?
- Oh, you never told me it was a hamster!
- I thought it was a nice little doggie!
- But you're a vet!
I know, but I don't like hamsters!
They're all small and creepy
and they don't say anything.
And I'm allergic to them!
Oh, come along now.
- See what a lovely hamster...
- No! No!
Oh! Off! Off!
Down! Down! Down!
Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
I can feel my allergy coming on!
Peeky-bo! Peeky-bo!
Bo! Peeky-bo!
Hello, Dr Figgis?
This is Mrs Merriweather here.
Could you come round immediately, please,
as quick as you can?
I came as quick as I could.
He's over here!
- He's gone all funny!
- Let's have a look at the chap.
(HE SCREAMS)
You never told me it was a vet!
- I'm allergic to them!
- (THEY SCREECH)
- Cuckoo!
- Cuckoo!
(THEY SHOUT NONSENSE)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
("JINGLE BELLS" PLAYS)
Good evening.
Please post early for Christmas.
Because of the difficulties of dealing
with the rush, the closing date
for posting your cards and letters this
year to arrive on time for Christmas
is May 27th.
Now, this may seem like a long time
but don't forget some of our postmen
walk very slowly.
The closing date for your parcels
is the day before yesterday.
But don't worry about posting your letters
and cards to your friends in Japan
because they'll arrive in plenty of time
for Christmas 1970.
Well, it was five minutes ago, anyway.
Well, these arrangements have been made
so that your Christmas mail
will arrive on time.
And that you and your friends can have
a very happy Christmas Day on November 9th.
Hm? Oh.
November 12th.
July 14th?
August 5th?
I'm fired?
No, don't go away!
I'll get it right in a minute.
Thirty days have September, April...
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Hello?
Georgie-peorgie?
Guess who this is.
Go on, I'll give you three guesses.
No, it's not Mr Blenkinsop.
No, it's not Gloria.
No, it's not Shirley.
Daphne? Who's Daphne?
Suzie's friend?
Who's Suzie?
No, it's not Myra or Petrinelle!
It's... it's Lucy!
Your wife!
I just rang to say I love you!
(SHE SOBS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Would you send in Humphries, please?
Oh, dear. I do so hate sacking anyone.
Yes, I know, I know.
But if he's got to go, he's got to go.
We'll just have to break it to him gently,
that's all.
Come in, old chap, come in.
Sit down. Sit down, won't you?
Oh, I see. No, over there.
Well... Ha.
How did you like it here?
I mean, how do you like it here?
Well, sir, you know, when you've been
at a place for 20 years
you know, you get used to it.
Twenty years, eh?
Right, I-I hadn't realised
it was as long as that.
Uh, this is Mr Withers.
Uh, well, I'm going to be blunt with you
and I'm going to be honest.
I'm going to be bluntly honest.
I'm not going to beat about the bush.
I'm going to go straight to the point.
Straight to the point.
And I'm going to be ruthless.
So, over to you, Sir Charles.
Oh, um...
Yes, well, phew!
In those 20 years, you've given the firm
some wonderful service.
Oh, oh, yes, oh, I wouldn't dream
of working nowhere else, sir.
- Wouldn't you?
- No.
Not even Robertson's up the road
where they've got lots of vacancies
and it's on your way home, very nice?
Oh, no, sir, no. Wouldn't work up there.
I mean, besides, after all, I mean,
I wouldn't get a job now, would I?
- Not at my age!
- Oh, nonsense, old chap.
You'd get a job anywhere if you were fired.
I mean, if you, um...
if you couldn't come,
if you couldn't get in,
if anything happened to
you, if you were ill
or in trouble or if you fell out of
a window or over to Mr Withers.
Uh, look, old man, I mean, can you imagine
why we asked you here?
No, sir. No, I haven't got any idea.
Oh, how awful!
Look, suppose I was to tell you the firm
hadn't been doing too well recently.
What would your reaction be?
Well, I reckon I'll have to work
harder then, sir, wouldn't I?
- Ha-ha!
- WITHERS: Oh, dear.
Look, what does Santa Claus carry
over his shoulder?
Beg your pardon, sir?
What does Santa carry on his back?
Well, erm...
Sack, sack of toys!
- And that's what you've got!
- What, a sack of toys?
Without the toys.
I've... I'm afraid I don't understand, sir.
Oh, dear. Look, what am I doing now?
Firing a gun, sir!
That's it. Now, if the gun were you,
what would I be doing then?
L-I don't know, sir.
Supposing the gun were called Mr Humphries,
then what would I be doing?
Firing a Mr Humphries, do you see?
You'd be fired!
You... you mean I'm...
I'm fired?
Oh, no, no, no, not fired, really.
No, no.
Not like a gun.
- No, you're shot.
- You're shot.
After 20 years of service,
I'm-I'm gonna be fired?
- Yes, you're shot.
- Shot, that's right.
Shot up, shot up. Promoted.
Well done. Oh, God.
Well done, Humphries, old chap. You may go.
- Thank you, sir, for the promotion.
- Alright.
Bye-bye, sir.
Oh, dear, Sir Charles, I...
I just couldn't bring myself to do it.
I know, I know, Withers.
it just makes this next bit
all the more
difficult, that's all.
- What do you mean?
- Well, Withers...
Suppose I'm Santa Claus and I'm pointing
a gun called Mr Withers at you...
What am I going to do?
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
# You read in the papers
'bout Comedy Capers #
# And here we are, back again! #
Hey!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Ahem, I'm terribly sorry about that.
Seems we got some interference
from a pirate station.
You are, in actual fact, supposed
to be watching "Do Not Adjust Your Set"
- and...
- (THEME MUSIC PLAYS)
God! Stone me!
Everything's going wrong here today.
- (THEME TUNE PLAYS)
- Thanks very much.
Right, now,
if we could just adjust the camera
- perhaps I could make my next
announcement. - (INSTRUMENTS PLAY)
Thank you, friend.
Now, ahem...
it's my turn to be rude about
the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band this week.
And I have worked out...
something very rude to say about them.
Ahem. Ready?
The Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band are...
not very good!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(MUSIC: "TUBAS IN THE MOONLIGHT"
BY THE BONZO DOG DOO-DAH BAND)
# Through the twilight I can hear
the humming of a melancholy coon #
(DISTANT HUM)
# For the memories that still linger,
I thank you, Mr Moon #
# But although I've never smiled #
# Since we said our sad goodbyes #
# Now there's one tune to remind me #
# Why I feel so blue #
# Tubas in the moonlight #
# Playing for me all night #
# Tell me what I want to hear #
# Am I only dreaming? #
# Am I only scheming? #
# Arms about me, squeeze me tightly #
# Why can't she be
sitting here beside me? #
# Tubas in the moonlight #
# Will bring my loved one home #
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(HE COUGHS)
(TUBA GURGLES)
# Tubas in the moonlight #
# Will bring my loved one home #
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
- Well?
- Oh, yes!
- That's lovely, I think.
- Yes.
Well, good luck with the play.
- Thank you, thank you.
- Hope it goes well.
# Da-da-di-di-da... #
Ah, good morning, gentlemen.
Uh, good morning.
My friend and I are going to a fancy dress
ball tonight.
- Yes?
- And we'd like to go
as the three musketeers.
But there's only two of you, sir?
- Oh.
- Oh.
(HE WHISPERS)
Would you like to come with us?
Well, that's very kind of you, sir,
but, um...
I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to come
without my wife and that would make four.
- Oh.
- Oh.
(HE WHISPERS)
Well, in that case,
we'd like to go as the three blind mice.
Well, basically, sir,
there's the same objection to that one.
There aren't quite enough of you.
- Oh.
- Oh.
(THEY WHISPER)
What would you suggest then?
Well, um...
How about the two gentlemen of Verona?
- Oh, yes, that's a very good idea.
- Yes, that's very good.
How many do we need?
- How many what?
- How many people?
Oh, just the two of you, sir.
A duet, it is, a costume duo for two.
The two gentlemen of Verona, you see?
Where will we get the other one then?
You won't need him, sir.
But he's probably been
looking forward to it.
Um...
Look, gentlemen, why don't you go as
Tweedledum and Tweedledee?
You, sir, can go as Tweedledum,
and you as Tweedledee.
What will you be?
I'm not going, sir.
Oh, well, in that case, there's no problem.
We can go as the three
musketeers after all.
No, you can't!
Er... l mean, no, you can't, sir.
You have to have three for that,
and there are only four of you.
Two of you!
Now, you've got to have something, sir,
for two.
- Forty-two?
- Ah, no.
"For two."
- "For two."
- "For two."
- For two.
- "Fortoo."
"Fortoo."
(HE WHISPERS)
- I've got an idea.
- Oh, good.
Yes, we'd like to go as...
(HE WHISPERS)
The Grand Old Duke of York
and his 10,000 men.
Well, of course we can do that, sir.
That's easy.
The Grand Old Duke of York
and his 10,000 men.
We had them in last week.
- (TRUMPET PLAYS)
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
We've done it, sir! We've done it!
A new breakthrough in dog food.
It's got 23 different ingredients,
14 different kinds of meat
eight kinds of vitamins
and four different kinds of vegetables.
And it's got an enriched beef gravy
that no dog will be able to resist.
I hope you like it, sir.
(HE SNIFFS)
(DOG BARKS)
(MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)
ANNOUNCER: Last week,
I was strolling on the Embankment
when suddenly...
CAPTAIN FANTASTIC:
This is Captain Fantastic speaking.
Last week, I "succsessfully"
lost Mrs Black in a dustbin.
Where would she appear next, I "prondered"?
(SHE CACKLES)
(TANGO ON THE PIANO PLAYS)
CAPTAIN FANTASTIC:
Could she have lost her way?
- (MANIC MUSIC PLAYS)
- 'Cause I definitely lost mine.
- (HONKYTONK PIANO MUSIC)
- But according to my umbrella
this must be the plaice!
There was something fishy going on...
Suddenly,
I detected an almost imperceptible clue.
(MANIC MUSIC PLAYS)
it was her!
A-ha!
Ow! Oof...
(HE MUTTERS)
- (PASO DOBLE PLAYS)
- It was painfully obvious...
I had jumped to the wrong conclusion.
- (HONKYTONK PIANO MUSIC PLAYS)
- But just a minute!
There could be no mistake this time.
(MELODRAMATIC MUSIC RETURNS)
(MANIC MUSIC RESUMES)
(HE MUTTERS)
Lifted that... she's not there, so...
(SHE CACKLES)
CAPTAIN FANTASTIC:
At last, I'd worked it out.
She wasn't there.
- (HONKYTONK PIANO MUSIC PLAYS)
- Where was she?
Suddenly, I felt somebody
was trying to give me a clue.
(MRS BLACK CACKLES)
There she was!
I wasn't gonna fall for any more
of her tricks!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
I advanced stealthily.
And then...
Argh!
So, more of her hanka-panky!
As she fled, I seized a convenient lifebelt
and charged!
Only temporarily delayed...
I suddenly saw her resorting
to her horrible handbag.
What help could she be summoning?
Blow me! A Blit Boat!
She was escaping once again!
And I was powerless!
ANNOUNCER: Has Mrs Black
finally eluded Captain Fantastic?
Can he catch her before she finally brings
her evil plans to fruition?
Will I be out of a job after next week's
final, spine-chilling instalment of...
Captain Fantastic?
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
ANNOUNCER: And now we present another
in our series, Musicians At Work.
Number two, The Mouldy Peacetime Ensemble.
(CANNED APPLAUSE)
(ALL CLEAR THROATS LOUDLY)
(THEY COUGH AND SNEEZE)
(PIANO PLAYS A TUNING NOTE)
(THEY SNEEZE TO TUNE OF "THE BLUE DANUBE")
# Ah-ah-ah-ah #
- # Choo #
- # Achoo #
# Achoo #
# Ah-ah-ah-ah #
- # Choo #
- # Achoo #
# Achoo #
# Ah-ah-ah-achoo #
# Achoo, achoo #
- # Ah-ah-ah-ah #
- # Choo #
- # Ahem #
- # Achoo #
- (HE COUGHS)
- # Ach! #
- # Achoo #
- # Achoo #
- # Ah-ah-ah-ah #
- # Choo #
# Ahem! #
# Ahhhh #
(HE SNIFFS)
# Hic! #
# Ahem! #
# Achoo! #
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)