Do Not Adjust Your Set (1967–1969): Season 2, Episode 3 - Episode #2.2 - full transcript

At last! Civilization!

Beg your pardon?

I've travelled 8,000 miles
across the burning desert

without food or water
for ten long weeks.

And then at last,
I saw your car parked there,

and I knew the end
of my journey was in sight.

It's not our car, actually,
it's his brother's car.

At first, I thought it was a mirage.
- No, it's a humbug.

- It is eight years old now, isn't it?
- Nine.

Please, please, I just want
some water please, just some water.

Oh, we haven't any water. We've got
some tea. Like a cup of tea, love?



Yes, please, please,
anything, anything.

Or there's a bit of coffee
left if you prefer coffee.

- Anything, anything.
- I mean just say which would you prefer.

No love, fizzy pop would be better for him,

no coffee when he's just
come 'cross the desert.

Oh yeah. Oh no we drank
all the fizzy pop, remember, yeah?

Didn't drink it all, did we?

Yes, we did in that layby
outside Leicester.

Please, please!

Well what would you like
then love, tea of coffee?

Tea. Tea.

Now are you sure,
you're not just saying that?

Tea! Tea, tea, tea!

- Coffee's just as easy.
- Come on love, I think he said tea.



- Tea!
- Now, there he goes again.

Oh well then, you'd like
a cup of tea. Right.

Oh! Listen, here, you don't mind drinking
out of the top of the thermos, do you?

'Cause we only brought
the two cups with us you see.

I don't care!
I'd drink out of my bare hands!

Oh, we wouldn't dream of that!
Now don't go away, I won't be a minute.

Here, I say, I say, you don't know
whether United won, do you?

Look, I've been in the
desert for ten weeks.

It's all there, no, they haven't
won a match since January.

Oh yes, what part of
the desert were you in?

I don't know.

Oh well. Do you take sugar?

No no no, just the tea,
the liquid, liquid.

You know, if you'd come early, you could
have had suasages and pork sandwhiches.

Oh yes, you could.
Here you are, nice cup of tea love.

Oh, I'm sorry. Oh dear!

There, it's all over him now...

No, it's alright lad,
it wasn't your fault...

Did it get to your shirt?
I'll get a cloth, there we are.

I can't bear it! I can't bear it!

Hello! He's gone!

Thank goodness, even the Sahara's
getting crowded nowadays.

Oh, hello there.

Last week you remember I was showing
you how to make a bed for your roses.

Well, this is what it
looks like when complete.

All nice and tucked in there, you see.

Do remember, a rose by any other name
would be a carrot. Or a cauliflower.

Now this little plant here is a maneater.

And you must be tremendously careful
when you're feeding your maneaters,

just give them a handful
of peat. Or Fred.

Now, over the last few years,
in the garden,

scientists have advanced
by leaps and bounds.

Here you can see some scientists
advancing by leaps and bounds.

They're trying to avoid the vegetable beds.
Well, what have they come up with?

Well, there's weedkiller, for those
of you who don't like weeds,

and for those of you who do,
they've got flowerkiller.

And they've come up with this latest
weapon in the war against weeds,

the Thompson submachine gun.

And this new aerosol can insect killer,
which will kill any known type of insect.

For example...

You can kill any insect that way.

And they've also got
this new flower pot

which can be used this was for
the impression of a small plant,

or this way for the impression
of Tommy Cooper. "Ha, that's funny!"

And there's this ho, for moving
hay, called a hay-hoe,

and for scaring away the birds, scientists
have perfected this new scarecrow.

That should keep the birds off your bulbs.

Incidentally, if you planted
these bulbs, you should be fine,

if you planted these bulbs,
you should have your head examined.

They need far too much light.

But my particular
favourite is a plant,

a plant that will keep
you happy for hours.

They're almost human,
they do require feeding,

I give this one steak and chips, egg and
chips, omelettes, that sort of thing,

and they're terribly affectionate, and
they make a really wonderful companion.

Just one thing though, you must remember
to water them frequently. Bye for now.

Alright, hold the back page, okay?

- City editor?
- Yeah?

- I've got a great story for you.
- Oh yes?

- Yes a great story.
- Alright, let's hear it.

Once upon a time, in the land
of the wobbly dumdum tree,

Ricky, the gobbly pixy,
sat beneath the magic oak tree...

That's enough! I'm not interested
in fairy stories, this is a newspaper.

Miss Berkins, will you show this lunatic
out of here? - Yes sir.

- But I hadn't finished yet...
- Come away, ere break of day,

to fairy land, to the
golden joys of day...

Last week, the evil Mrs Black, disguised
as Mrs White, the nice housekeeper,

flummoxed Captain Fantastic
with a huge meal.

Now she is free to purpose
her evil persuities.

Will she find her magic ring?

Black magic! Mrs White is
planting an evil handbag tree!

Obviously from the old proverb,

from little purses a mighty
handbag grows. Oh dear.

This is Captain Fantastic speaking.

After such a big meal it was time
for my morning institutional.

And before you could say "Jack Robinson",

I'd run right round the house
and done all me exercises.

Jack Robinson.
- Hey? Ohh...

Hang on a minute.
There's a lack of changing facsimiles.

Tadaah. Here we go. Haha,
now to do some excorsises.

Not easy to put that in this morning?
What is your problem? Alright, lay down.

This dumbell I'd picked up
was obviously waiting for a lift.

Oh! Got myself trapped...
Have to to get out of there...

What do they call it weightlifting for
if you never pick the things up?

I'll have to use me brolly
to get up then.

Meanwhile the plot was ripening.

Mrs Black's blooming bag bush
is begging for a bevvy.

Water pity is not on tap.

But her evil instinct tells her
to follow her hose.

Get out of that fantastic weight,
Captain Dumbell.

Good to get the weight off me feet.

Hello, that looks like a bag oak.

But what's that?
That's obliviously a water snake.

A dreaded boa constructor.
But I'll wrestle with it and kill it...

Hello, it's tea time.
What's more, time for tea.

Well, I'd better clear this up. Can't leave
that dangerous hose pipe hanging about.

I'll just give it a tug and wrap it up.

Has Captain Fantastic
gone too far this time?

See next week's pipe cleaning
episode of Captain Fantastic.

Good evening. Welcome to "Going
for a Burton", an antique quiz game.

Well, let's get started with the first
object, that I have here, and there it is.

It will come up on the screen for you
now what it is, for the people at home,

and I'm going to hand this one first of all

to professor Hart to tell me
what he thinks of that.

Well, it's probably Egyptian,
12th, 13th century...

Yes, yes, it's very tasteful, yes.

No, I think it is porcelain,
from the 18th century, imported.

Yes, I see. Well of course, you're very
close, so I am going to give it to you,

there you are.
It is in fact a loaf of bread.

- Ah yes, of course, I thought so.
- You thought what?

I thought it was porcelain,
from the 18th century.

- But it's not.
- Absolutely, it's not.

- No.
- But I thought so.

Yes. So, well, we'll move straight on to
the next object, and which I have here,

can you all see that at
home, can you see that,

it's coming up on your screens,
yes it is,

and now I'm going to pass this one over

to sir Charles, to tell me
what he thinks of that.

Sir Charles, what do you make of that?
- Yes, well, I mean...

Well, this is obviously
a Victorian hunting bowl...

Very well made...
I just think...

It would probably make a good
exhibit on anyone's side board.

- Yes, a Victorian hunting bowl.
- Definitely, definitely.

Would you be surprised if I
told you it was in actual fact

a plate of egg and chips?
- Or a plate of egg and chips.

Yes. Could you put a price on it for us?

Yes, I'd say somewhere in the region of
5, 4 hundred pounds, something like that.

- Could you be a little more definite?
- 3/6? - Yes.

Now let's move on, even further,
to the next object which I have here,

you all recognize that, I'm sure,
there it is, at home for you,

and this is for Dame Twanky,
our only women member here today,

would you pass that professor
Heart, to Dame Twanky,

for her to tell me what she makes
of that, Dame Twanky!

Thank you, could you just
tell us what you think of that?

Ah. Yes. Yes. Well... This is obviously
a manuscript of some sort.

It appears at one time to have
been government property.

And, I would say that it
was 17th century Swiss,

and it's a novel. Yes, it's
a novel, oh, about China.

Yes, it's probably about
a prince and princess

who get married and live happily
ever after in Weston Super-Mare.

Well, you were quite close.
It is in fact a toilet rol.

Oh, really? May I take it home
to read in the Luton train?

Yes, of course you may, certainly.

And now we must move on, ever pressing.

And we have another object
here, which I'd like you

to look at very carefully at home,
yes, it's all up on your screens.

Now, I'm going to pass this beautiful
object to our specialist who is Dr Donovan.

Dr Donovan, could you tell me
what you think of that?

Well, it's really exquisite.
Absolutely beautiful.

Terribly interesting.
Really beautiful.

Oh! Ah! Ah! Oh! Ah!

I think I know what it is.
- How's that?

Well, you can tell from these
very tiny markings

on the underside here,
which are almost imperceptable,

but of course the expert
can look at these,

and can determine from
these tiny little markings,

the exact nature, and the date,
and what the object itself is,

just from the tiny little markings
on the underside here.

- I see. And what do they say?
- They say:

"This is a British teacup,
made in Wilsdon in 1966."

I see. Well that's where you're wrong!

- What?
- You see?

It's ancient Egyptian.
- Ancient Egyptian?

Yes. You think yourselves so clever.
It's ancient Egyptian.

It's made in Hong Kong by nude
slave labour 64 thousand years ago.

On the back of a moving Japanese
handcart by a Syrian peasant

wearing striped purple breeches
and a jewish balaclava.

If you know what that is?
You know what that is?

That's a Latvian barrel organ
with twin carburettas.

And this, this is a Maltese spittoon.

You know what these are? These here,
they are Greek hot water bottles.

Next week, Going For A Burton will be
taking a look at the world of art,

and in particular this priceless
painting of the Mona Lisa,

which has been kindly loaned to us
by the French government.

So there!

Hello. Is this your first time
in the air, is it?

- What?
- Is this your first time in the air?

I mean, I know we're not in the
air yet, but if we were in the air,

would this be your first
time in the air would it?

No no, I travel accross
the Atlantic twice a week.

- Every week of every year?
- For the last two years, yes.

That means you've been
across the Atlantic 104 times.

2 times 52, 104, isn't that wonderful.

Shall I put my safety belt on?
- You can if you want to, yes.

- I will if you will.
- I'm not going to put mine on yet.

No, come on, it's a game. It's called,
who can put their safety belt on first.

Look, I've got work to do, do you mind?

Work, yes that's alright, I've got
work to do as well, don't worry.

For god's sake put it out!

Do beg your pardon!
- What's the matter?

You can't use that in here,
it will cause an explosion!

Explosion, yes. Oh dear, don't want
explosion, do we, in an aircraft?

No. Rightho, I think I'll just read.

- That would be an excellent idea.
- Right.

As the shadows lengthened over Bromley,

Moira could control herself no longer.

She slapped him hard on the upper deck.

She slapped him hard.
On the upper deck...

- Please, can you keep quiet?
- Quiet? Yes, quiet, certainly, quiet.

You've got an awful lot
of hairs up your nose.

I beg your pardon?

I say, you've got an awful
lot of hairs up your nose.

Look, do you mind being quiet? There are
other people on this plane, you know.

74 others and they don't want to hear
your inane chatter all the time.

76 others, 34 on that side 38 on this side,
plus the pilot and the crew and the matron.

- Stop it.
- But we haven't gone yet!

- He won't stop! He won't stop!
- Want a paper bag?

Do you want to go to the ladies room?
Are you alright? Want a paper bag?

I always get the window seat in the end.

A flow of current courses into
the motionless metallic form.

Happy, don't do it.
Don't use full force.

What's wrong with me?
I'm growing, getting bigger, stronger.

I can feel it, who am I, what?

As the electricity's steady
flow drives a haze of delirium

from ironman's mind,
and he becomes the freak.

Oh, hello.
Do you read comics? I do.

This week we're doing a number
called 'Beautiful Zelda',

and it's about a girl who
comes from another planet,

and she falls in love with an earth boy
but he doesn't want to know,

and so she goes back
to the twilight zone,

but it's not true,
and lot of it's rubbish.

You're wanted in the
twilight zone now, sir.

Thank you, Rebor.

She's broken all the superhearts
of the superheroes of the galaxy

So why does she want
to mess around with me?

Listen to my story,
it's sad but it's true

Please don't laugh,
it could happen to you

Beautiful Zelda from Galaxy 4

Suddenly walks through my door

Beautiful Zelda

Leave me alone

Just get on back

To the twilight zone

And don't try your jive
on a poor Earth boy

'Cause your kind of love
don't bring me no joy.

A fourth dimensional space warp
brought her to me, oh yeah

The most beautiful girl
I ever did see, oh yeah

She gave me her hand,
but when I held her, oh yeah

I was fooled by the beautiful Zelda

Beautiful Zelda

Tell me the truth

I'm just a clean-living all-earth youth

Don't try your jive
on a poor Earth boy

'Cause your kind of love
don't bring me no joy.

Beautiful Zelda

Beautiful Zelda

Beautiful Zelda

Hello again!
Welcome to "Beauty Guest".

Well, first this week, we have a letter
from Mrs Norah Tremble of Grantham,

and she writes:
Thank you for recommending

the poison from a deadly
viperas a cure for pimples.

I drank the whole bottle,
and within minutes...

Oh well, bad luck Mrs Tremble,

you should of course have
rubbed it on, not drunk it up.

And now it's time for
Beautydesk celebrity of the week.

And this week we are very very
privileged to have with us in the studio

Monsieur Jacques Jean Bertin de Flembeur

who has invented a hair restorer
which he claims is 100% effective.

Monsieur Jacques Jean
Bertin de Flembeur...

c'est un grand plaisir de vous voir
aujourd'hui chez Beautydesk, monsieur.

Oh, thank you very much, Edith, lovely.

Tell me, have you ever had any
failures with your hair restorer?

No, none at all. No. Wait a minute,
I tell a lie. Only lady Phillipa Tipma.

Oh, it didn't work on her?

Oh, yes, it worked alright. She took
a bath in it and turned into a gorilla.

Now, tell me, how exactly
does your hair restorer work?

Very fast, darling.

Very fast? Well you must
forgive my saying so,

but how do you account for the fact
that you yourself haven't tried it?

Oh I've tried it alright, yeah.
You see it's so fast,

I didn't get time to put it on my head.
See what I mean?

Good evening. Tonight on "Outrage",
we're going to face

the minister of education with one
of his most virulent critics.

This program is live, and viewers
are warned that the BBC will not

take responsibility for anything
said on this show, as it's on ITV.

Well, over the last few weeks,

there's been mounting criticism
of the minister of education,

and the way he's handled the whole
switch to the comprehensives.

We're very fortunate to
have in the studio tonight,

the minister of education.
Come in, please.

Eh... minister, eh...

Minister, what is your...
did you think

of your outspoken critic
Mr William Squatter?

He's a very naughty naughty naughty boy.

I see. And have you
discussed this in the House?

You have? Good.
Well, I think at this point

we'd better call in Mr William Squatter,
a chairman of the headmaster's conference

and the former wartime bishop,
come in please Mr Squatter.

William...
Very well, Priscilla.

What do you think of the minister here?
- Quack.

- I see. Is it real gold?
- Quack, quack.

Fine. Well, you've been a very
outspoken critic of the minister here,

how would you sum up your
whole feelings about him?

Quack quack. Quack.

How would you sum up alltogether
your feelings about him?

You think he's made an egg of it?

Good. Well at this moment I think
we need the opinion of a woman,

a leading industrialist,
an authority on education,

come in please, Dame Margo Blunt.

Oh hello, hello everybody, hello,

hello, hello, how are you, hello love.

Dame Margo...

Oh, you can call me Margo,
you cheecky little lumpy thing, yes.

Dame Margo, how do you
think you'd have handled

the whole switch of vexed
questions of the comprehensives?

Oh, well, it's quite easy,
do you know what I do, I'd say,

look here children,
look what I've got here, look,

a pretty box of chocolates there,
I'm going to put them down there,

now when I turn my back,
if anybody touches them chocolates,

you shout out, "Alan Freeman", alright?

Well, the subject tonight
has been tense, and contro...

Do not worry Cinders, you shall go
to the ball! To fairyland, on the...

...full of straigth talk and
controversy, tense and lies...

...and the pussycat moos like a cow,
and the little tiny dog...

We shall be back on
your screens next week,

until then it remains for me to say
only one thing: Lower the words!

Oh, the elephant goes miaow,

And the pussycat moos like a cow,

And the tiny little dog
goes oink like a frog,

and the lion goes bow wow wow
wow wow wow...

Oh, the elephant goes miaow,

And the pussycat moos like a cow,

And the tiny little dog
goes oink like a frog,

and the lion goes bow wow wow
wow wow wow...

Oh, the elephant goes miaow,

And the pussycat moos like a cow,

And the tiny little dog
goes oink like a frog,

and the lion goes bow wow wow
wow wow wow...