Do Not Adjust Your Set (1967–1969): Season 1, Episode 12 - Episode #1.11 - full transcript
Oi!
Push off! You, you can't do that here!
Push off! No painting here!
No painting allowed.
This is a no-painting area.
Push off, go on!
Clear off! Push off!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
ANNOUNCER:
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen
and welcome to Do Not Adjust Your Set
Hello and welcome to Holiday Club.
Well, today, we look
at holidays in the sun.
Oh.
Well, there are only two things to remember
about enjoying your holiday abroad.
One is to enjoy yourself
and the other is to go abroad.
But abroad is the place where we can enjoy
that romantic holiday romance.
Oh, mon chéri.
You're so attractive.
You're so full of continental charm
and mystery and attraction.
Tell me, where do you come from?
Birmingham.
I wish I could understand you.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
Well, here on Holiday...
(THUNDER RUMBLES)
Well, Britain is also a place
where you can find sunshine.
Remember, in Britain,
no place is more than 70 miles from the sea
so just be careful where you put your feet.
If you do fall off, however, there's
generally someone around to help you.
Yes, and here we have one of Britain's
top lifeguards, Dougie Febs.
Hello, Dougie.
Hello.
- You're a lifeguard, I believe.
- Yes, sir.
Well, it must be a very dangerous work.
Oh, it is.
The other day, I was on the beach
collecting pebbles all different colours
for my sandcastle, when suddenly a big wave
came and knocked them all out of my hand!
It was ever so frightening.
Yes, I'm sure, but what does your job
as a lifeguard involve?
Well, when the waves get very big,
I have to move all people's towels back
and I have to put up a red flag and shout,
"Please don't bathe!"
But what happens if sometimes
people disobey your orders?
Oh, they do, hundreds of 'em.
They come and bang on my beach hut
and let the air out of my water wings.
What about the kiss of life?
No, I'll be alright in a minute, honestly.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
Well, here on Holiday Cl...
- (THUNDER RUMBLES)
- Well, I think the sun's only just gone in
for a few minutes, for a bit, so what
I'll do is I'll put a bit of cream on
to prevent the rays of the sun.
And now, over to the
Beauty Desk to show you
how to deal with all
that holiday sunshine.
Hello.
I've just been sitting under
a hot sun-ray lamp.
I wonder if you can see which side
of my face has caught the sun.
Yes, you're quite right, it's this side.
But there's no harmful sunburn thanks to
revolutionary new preparation
Gulliver's DG 91 Sun Tan Oil,
which stops all those harmful rays.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
This is natural oil straight off the beach.
And Mr G Garden of Preston wrote in to us
and said that a very good way of avoiding
sunburn was to cover your arms and legs
with bread and butter pudding.
Well, we tried this out in our laboratory
and we came to the conclusion
that Mr Garden was mad.
Though he does make very good
bread and butter pudding.
Mm, delicious!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Now, let's have a look at where
people go for their holidays.
I have with me a man
who's been to the same place for 29 years.
Mr Gavrill, would you tell
us where you have been
every August for
the last 29 years?
Manchester.
Oh, I see. And why Manchester?
Well, the beach huts there are much cheaper
and you don't get sand in your shoes
and we have a lovely little place
just next to the station
but mainly I think we go there
because we love the sea.
Yes, I know, but Manchester's 40 miles
from the sea.
Yes, it is convenient, isn't it?
Well, I hope you enjoy your trip.
(SPLASH)
When you go on holiday,
do make sure you've got everything.
Ah!
Agh... ah!
Yes, I think I've got everything in now,
Gladys.
Gladys!
Gladys?
- (BANGING)
- (MUFFLED SHOUTS)
- I'm sorry, dear, I'm so sorry.
- What's the matter with you?
You know I always travel in the hat box!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
Well, here on Holiday Club...
Oh.
Well, in fact,
that's practically all from Holiday Club
so we'll be back next year
to give you some more tips.
Until then, happy holiday...
everybody.
(WIND HOWLS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(LOUNGE JAZZ PLAYS)
ANNOUNCER: This is the revolutionary new
Gremlin Easi-suit
You can spill ink on it...
You can get mud on it..
You can smear oil on it...
And you can tear it..
(MUSIC STOPS)
But it'll ruin it
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
Knit one...
pearl one...
drop one...
Oh, terrible day I've had at the office.
I was half an hour late
getting there this morning
and I mislaid my briefcase.
Managed to get myself
locked in the cloakroom at lunchtime.
Coming back after lunch, I found that
my secretary had been ill all over my desk.
Coming down in the lift,
coming home this evening
I got my ears trapped in the door.
I go outside to find that
I've got a nice, fat parking ticket.
And to cap it all, to cap it all,
I've lost an order worth £8,000.
Just hasn't been my day at all.
Oh, dear, I am sorry.
Who are you?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
This is just one of the letters we've had
requesting the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band.
The other one's in my dressing room.
But I expect you're wondering why I'm here.
Well, recently,
we've had a lot of complaints
that Eric Idle has
too often been rude
about the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band.
So they've asked me to come along tonight
and be rude about them instead.
But you know, there's not a single hard
word I can say against them.
They're a wonderful lot of chaps
to work with.
Really hard, tough workers
and I admire their kind of music
and what they're trying to do.
And this song they're coming up with now
is one of my personal favourites.
I've spun it many times
on my little record player at home.
It's a great, great number
and it's called...
erm...
it's a wonderful number, it's very popular.
L-I like it a lot.
"Death Cab For Cuddles"? Yes.
- MAN OFF-SCREEN: Cutie!
- "Cutie", I see.
Well, here they are,
the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band from Mitchum.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
(MUSIC: "DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE"
BY BONZO DOG DOO-DAH BAND)
# That night Cutie called a cab #
# Baby, don't do it #
# She left her East Side home so drab #
# Baby, don't do it #
# She went out on the town #
# Knowing it would make her lover frown #
# Death cab for Cutie #
# Death cab for Cutie #
# Someone's going to make
you pay your fare #
# The cab was racing through the night
mm-hmm #
# Baby, don't do it #
# His eyes in the mirror,
keeping Cutie in si,ght #
# Uh-huh, huh #
# Baby, don't do it #
# When he saw Cutie it gave him a thrill #
# Don't you know baby, curves can kill #
# Death cab for Cutie #
# Death cab for Cutie #
# Someone's going to make
you pay your fare #
# Cutie, don't you play with fate #
# Don't leave your lover alone #
# If you go out on this date #
# His heart will turn to stone #
# Bad girl, Cutie, what have you done? #
# Baby, don't do it #
# Slipping sliding down Highway 31 #
# Baby, don't do it #
# The traffic lights changed
from green to red #
# They tried to stop
but they both wound up dead #
# Death cab for Cutie #
# Death cab for Cutie #
# Someone's going to make
you pay your fare #
# Someone's going to make
you pay your fare #
# Someone's going to make
you pay your fare #
# Someone's going to make
you pay your fare #
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Hello.
Well, tonight, I've got
with me in the studio
an invisible man, who's kindly consented
to come along and be interviewed
about some of the problems
of being invisible.
Sir, good evening.
Well, we've read a lot in the papers
recently about your amazing ability
to become invisible at will.
First of all, what does it feel like
to be invisible?
Hello?
Mr Peters?
Oh.
Has anybody seen the invisible man?
Uh, well, I'm afraid the invisible man
doesn't appear to be here.
Unless he's hiding.
Er, so, whilst we're looking for him,
he's probably still in make-up
I'll... we'll just a break here I think.
Thank you. Mr Peters?
Mr Peters!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Hello. Well, the good news...
We've managed to find the invisible man.
Uh, he was in the bar having a few drinks
to steady his nerves a bit.
Uh, well, and he's very pleased...
He's very pleased to be here with us.
Well, uh, Mr Peters,
one of the things that intrigues us all
is some people doubt the existence
of invisible men at all.
I don't!
I don't.
I believe in them, but some people...
some people say they don't exist.
Not me! I don't say they don't exist!
I believe in them!
Well, could we cut this tape, please?
A second, please? Because...
Mr Peters, will you get off!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
(HE WHISTLES)
Spare a copper, guv'nor?
- Oh, alright.
- Spare us a copper.
Poor old chap, alright.
There we are.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- God bless you, sir.
Thank you, guv'nor.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
- Afternoon.
- Afternoon.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Day's quite nice again, isn't it?
Yes, yes. Not too bad at all.
Ah, I'm on page 42.
Number three, just after Venus Adorned.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
"Ken Burkenshore."
"By Alberotti."
That's right. How do you do? Er...?
Er, Pringle. Harvey Pringle.
By?
What?
Oh, you're not in the exhibition?
Well, no, I'm not. Are you?
Yes, I'm Ken Burkenshore by Alberotti.
But you're not a piece of sculpture.
Ah, I wasn't until Mr Alberotti spotted me
one day in Ryegate Park
and perceived in me the fragile liniments
of beauty unspoiled
by the false trappings of art.
I beg your pardon?
I wasn't until Mr Alberotti spotted me in
Ryegate... oh, it's all in the catalogue.
But I mean, it's not sculpture.
Anyone can do that.
What do you mean?
I mean, look at Ted Dixon.
He was in the main hall
of the National Gallery
until they had so many complaints
they had to put him down in the spare room.
With Fred Leicester.
But I mean nothing, it's just...
Oh, excuse me.
Some art critics, if you don't mind.
Oh, look!
There's the Alberotti that everyone's been
talking about.
Isn't it divine?
- Doesn't it just breathe all over you?
- Yes.
I mean, look at those feet, I mean,
they're so... they're so...
- Erm...
- Big?
Big! Big, that's the word.
I mean, they're so real, they're almost...
they're almost...
- Human?
- No.
No, not human, they're more... more...
- Big.
- Big!
That's the word.
It's the best thing he's done.
- Oh, yes, yes, yes.
- I don't think so. I don't like it.
What? Ah.
No, I don't like it, no.
No, how can you? I mean, look at the nose,
how it hangs from the face.
- It's all out of proportion, you see?
- Yes, yes, big, you see?
Granted it's ugly,
but it's beautifully ugly.
No, it's not, it's just ugly. I mean...
Look at all those wrinkles
and look at the hairs up the nose.
No, no, I don't like it at all. No.
Ah...
Now there, there's something like it.
Oh!
- Oh, yes!
- Yes!
Alfphonse, do come and look at this.
- Oh, I rather like that.
- "Man In Art Gallery."
Look at him hold his catalogue.
No, look, he isn't a work
of art, that one...
- I've got nothing to do with it!
- I say! I say, look!
Look there!
Television with viewers!
- A perfect example.
- Oh, that's jolly good.
(THEY CLAMOUR)
Look at that armchair, isn't it real?
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
ANNOUNCER:
The scene is London.
Taking advantage
of Captain Fantastic's absence
the evil Mrs Black is hard at work.
(MRS BLACK CACKLES)
As he hastens to the scene,
little does Captain Fantastic know
that nearing the climax
of her devilish machinations
she is keeping a watch on London.
(MRS BLACK GIGGLES)
(SHE CACKLES)
At last she is putting her horrible plan
into action.
And with unparalleled temerity,
she is about to stop time.
- (BIG BEN CHIMES)
- (BIG BEN DISTORTS)
Disaster!
With Big Ben out of action, the entire life
of the metropolis grinds to a halt.
Can no one stop her seizing control
of the nation?
Where is Captain Fantastic?
CAPTAIN FANTASTIC:
This is Captain Fantastic speaking.
As I raced towards London
through the lifeless streets...
little did I know that Mrs Black had thrown
the whole city into a state of alarm.
(CLOCK WINDS UP)
(ALARM RINGS)
(ALARM STOPS)
(MRS BLACK CACKLES)
CAPTAIN FANTASTIC: Aided by her treacherous
clock henchmen, time was on her side.
Every now and then,
a gallant timepiece refused to obey her
and went on strike.
- (CLOCK CHIMES)
- But she was unstoppable.
(CLOCK CRASHES)
At last, I arrived!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Time was running out fast, when...
(LOUD CRASH)
Alarmed by my pursuit,
they had unwittingly run into a cul-de-sac.
Heh. So much for the treacherous clocks!
Now, I only had to find Mrs Black
to have her trapped.
But where was she?
A-ha!
Cornered in a dustbin!
I pounced!
Ey-oh!
(HE MUTTERS)
Got me foot stuck there, ooh...
(HE MUTTERS)
Ooh! No, not there...
But she'd gone!
It was oblivious to me
that she must be close at hand.
Suddenly, my eye was caught by Big Ben.
The nation's timepiece at a standstill?
It was the work of a moment to operate
my anti-evil-stoppage of Big Ben ray.
(BIG BEN CHIMES)
(HE SIGHS)
It was all in a day's work.
But then...
I heard a beautiful voice... calling me!
(PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYS)
ANNOUNCER:
How did Mrs Black disappear?
Is she about to conquer the world?
Do you think she will
give me her autograph?
Don't miss the unbearable excitement
of next week's instalment
of Captain Fantastic!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(MUSIC: "CAPTAIN FANTASTIC, WE LOVE YOU"
BY ERIC IDLE AND BONZO DOG DOO-DAH BAND)
# Nobody knows where he comes from #
# Nobody knows where he goes #
# He's got ten fantastic fingers #
# And ten fantastic toes #
# He's a man
He's a super, super man #
# Nobody can tame him #
# He's a man
He's a supermarket man #
# And this is what they name him #
# They call him Captain #
# Captain Fantastic #
# Captain #
# Captain Fantastic #
# With your bowler hat
and your plastic mac #
- # And your umbrella pose #
- # Ready for action #
# Captain #
# Captain Fantastic #
# Captain #
# Captain Fantastic #
# Captain #
# Captain Fantastic, we love you #
# He's more super than Superman #
# And he's more bats than Batman #
# He's much thinner than the old Thin Man #
# And he's fatter than the Fat Man #
# He's done more good than Robin Hood #
# And he outwits the Blit Men #
# And Mrs Black, she won't come back #
# With a ficker from his Flit Gun #
# Captain #
# Captain Fantastic #
# Captain #
# Captain Fantastic #
# With your bowler hat
and your plastic mac #
- # And your umbrella pose #
- # Ready for action #
# Captain #
# Captain Fantastic #
# Captain #
# Captain Fantastic #
# Captain #
# Captain Fantastic, we love you #
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
# Captain #
# Captain Fantastic #
# Captain #
# Captain Fantastic #
# With your bowler hat
and your plastic mac #
# And your umbrella pose #
# Captain #
# Captain Fantastic #
# Captain #
# Captain Fantastic #
# Captain #
# Captain Fantastic, we love you #
# Captain #
# Captain Fantastic #
# Captain #
# Captain Fantastic #
# With your bowler hat
and your plastic mac #
Push off! You, you can't do that here!
Push off! No painting here!
No painting allowed.
This is a no-painting area.
Push off, go on!
Clear off! Push off!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
ANNOUNCER:
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen
and welcome to Do Not Adjust Your Set
Hello and welcome to Holiday Club.
Well, today, we look
at holidays in the sun.
Oh.
Well, there are only two things to remember
about enjoying your holiday abroad.
One is to enjoy yourself
and the other is to go abroad.
But abroad is the place where we can enjoy
that romantic holiday romance.
Oh, mon chéri.
You're so attractive.
You're so full of continental charm
and mystery and attraction.
Tell me, where do you come from?
Birmingham.
I wish I could understand you.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
Well, here on Holiday...
(THUNDER RUMBLES)
Well, Britain is also a place
where you can find sunshine.
Remember, in Britain,
no place is more than 70 miles from the sea
so just be careful where you put your feet.
If you do fall off, however, there's
generally someone around to help you.
Yes, and here we have one of Britain's
top lifeguards, Dougie Febs.
Hello, Dougie.
Hello.
- You're a lifeguard, I believe.
- Yes, sir.
Well, it must be a very dangerous work.
Oh, it is.
The other day, I was on the beach
collecting pebbles all different colours
for my sandcastle, when suddenly a big wave
came and knocked them all out of my hand!
It was ever so frightening.
Yes, I'm sure, but what does your job
as a lifeguard involve?
Well, when the waves get very big,
I have to move all people's towels back
and I have to put up a red flag and shout,
"Please don't bathe!"
But what happens if sometimes
people disobey your orders?
Oh, they do, hundreds of 'em.
They come and bang on my beach hut
and let the air out of my water wings.
What about the kiss of life?
No, I'll be alright in a minute, honestly.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
Well, here on Holiday Cl...
- (THUNDER RUMBLES)
- Well, I think the sun's only just gone in
for a few minutes, for a bit, so what
I'll do is I'll put a bit of cream on
to prevent the rays of the sun.
And now, over to the
Beauty Desk to show you
how to deal with all
that holiday sunshine.
Hello.
I've just been sitting under
a hot sun-ray lamp.
I wonder if you can see which side
of my face has caught the sun.
Yes, you're quite right, it's this side.
But there's no harmful sunburn thanks to
revolutionary new preparation
Gulliver's DG 91 Sun Tan Oil,
which stops all those harmful rays.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
This is natural oil straight off the beach.
And Mr G Garden of Preston wrote in to us
and said that a very good way of avoiding
sunburn was to cover your arms and legs
with bread and butter pudding.
Well, we tried this out in our laboratory
and we came to the conclusion
that Mr Garden was mad.
Though he does make very good
bread and butter pudding.
Mm, delicious!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Now, let's have a look at where
people go for their holidays.
I have with me a man
who's been to the same place for 29 years.
Mr Gavrill, would you tell
us where you have been
every August for
the last 29 years?
Manchester.
Oh, I see. And why Manchester?
Well, the beach huts there are much cheaper
and you don't get sand in your shoes
and we have a lovely little place
just next to the station
but mainly I think we go there
because we love the sea.
Yes, I know, but Manchester's 40 miles
from the sea.
Yes, it is convenient, isn't it?
Well, I hope you enjoy your trip.
(SPLASH)
When you go on holiday,
do make sure you've got everything.
Ah!
Agh... ah!
Yes, I think I've got everything in now,
Gladys.
Gladys!
Gladys?
- (BANGING)
- (MUFFLED SHOUTS)
- I'm sorry, dear, I'm so sorry.
- What's the matter with you?
You know I always travel in the hat box!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
Well, here on Holiday Club...
Oh.
Well, in fact,
that's practically all from Holiday Club
so we'll be back next year
to give you some more tips.
Until then, happy holiday...
everybody.
(WIND HOWLS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(LOUNGE JAZZ PLAYS)
ANNOUNCER: This is the revolutionary new
Gremlin Easi-suit
You can spill ink on it...
You can get mud on it..
You can smear oil on it...
And you can tear it..
(MUSIC STOPS)
But it'll ruin it
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
Knit one...
pearl one...
drop one...
Oh, terrible day I've had at the office.
I was half an hour late
getting there this morning
and I mislaid my briefcase.
Managed to get myself
locked in the cloakroom at lunchtime.
Coming back after lunch, I found that
my secretary had been ill all over my desk.
Coming down in the lift,
coming home this evening
I got my ears trapped in the door.
I go outside to find that
I've got a nice, fat parking ticket.
And to cap it all, to cap it all,
I've lost an order worth £8,000.
Just hasn't been my day at all.
Oh, dear, I am sorry.
Who are you?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
This is just one of the letters we've had
requesting the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band.
The other one's in my dressing room.
But I expect you're wondering why I'm here.
Well, recently,
we've had a lot of complaints
that Eric Idle has
too often been rude
about the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band.
So they've asked me to come along tonight
and be rude about them instead.
But you know, there's not a single hard
word I can say against them.
They're a wonderful lot of chaps
to work with.
Really hard, tough workers
and I admire their kind of music
and what they're trying to do.
And this song they're coming up with now
is one of my personal favourites.
I've spun it many times
on my little record player at home.
It's a great, great number
and it's called...
erm...
it's a wonderful number, it's very popular.
L-I like it a lot.
"Death Cab For Cuddles"? Yes.
- MAN OFF-SCREEN: Cutie!
- "Cutie", I see.
Well, here they are,
the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band from Mitchum.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
(MUSIC: "DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE"
BY BONZO DOG DOO-DAH BAND)
# That night Cutie called a cab #
# Baby, don't do it #
# She left her East Side home so drab #
# Baby, don't do it #
# She went out on the town #
# Knowing it would make her lover frown #
# Death cab for Cutie #
# Death cab for Cutie #
# Someone's going to make
you pay your fare #
# The cab was racing through the night
mm-hmm #
# Baby, don't do it #
# His eyes in the mirror,
keeping Cutie in si,ght #
# Uh-huh, huh #
# Baby, don't do it #
# When he saw Cutie it gave him a thrill #
# Don't you know baby, curves can kill #
# Death cab for Cutie #
# Death cab for Cutie #
# Someone's going to make
you pay your fare #
# Cutie, don't you play with fate #
# Don't leave your lover alone #
# If you go out on this date #
# His heart will turn to stone #
# Bad girl, Cutie, what have you done? #
# Baby, don't do it #
# Slipping sliding down Highway 31 #
# Baby, don't do it #
# The traffic lights changed
from green to red #
# They tried to stop
but they both wound up dead #
# Death cab for Cutie #
# Death cab for Cutie #
# Someone's going to make
you pay your fare #
# Someone's going to make
you pay your fare #
# Someone's going to make
you pay your fare #
# Someone's going to make
you pay your fare #
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Hello.
Well, tonight, I've got
with me in the studio
an invisible man, who's kindly consented
to come along and be interviewed
about some of the problems
of being invisible.
Sir, good evening.
Well, we've read a lot in the papers
recently about your amazing ability
to become invisible at will.
First of all, what does it feel like
to be invisible?
Hello?
Mr Peters?
Oh.
Has anybody seen the invisible man?
Uh, well, I'm afraid the invisible man
doesn't appear to be here.
Unless he's hiding.
Er, so, whilst we're looking for him,
he's probably still in make-up
I'll... we'll just a break here I think.
Thank you. Mr Peters?
Mr Peters!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Hello. Well, the good news...
We've managed to find the invisible man.
Uh, he was in the bar having a few drinks
to steady his nerves a bit.
Uh, well, and he's very pleased...
He's very pleased to be here with us.
Well, uh, Mr Peters,
one of the things that intrigues us all
is some people doubt the existence
of invisible men at all.
I don't!
I don't.
I believe in them, but some people...
some people say they don't exist.
Not me! I don't say they don't exist!
I believe in them!
Well, could we cut this tape, please?
A second, please? Because...
Mr Peters, will you get off!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
(HE WHISTLES)
Spare a copper, guv'nor?
- Oh, alright.
- Spare us a copper.
Poor old chap, alright.
There we are.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- God bless you, sir.
Thank you, guv'nor.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
- Afternoon.
- Afternoon.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Day's quite nice again, isn't it?
Yes, yes. Not too bad at all.
Ah, I'm on page 42.
Number three, just after Venus Adorned.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
"Ken Burkenshore."
"By Alberotti."
That's right. How do you do? Er...?
Er, Pringle. Harvey Pringle.
By?
What?
Oh, you're not in the exhibition?
Well, no, I'm not. Are you?
Yes, I'm Ken Burkenshore by Alberotti.
But you're not a piece of sculpture.
Ah, I wasn't until Mr Alberotti spotted me
one day in Ryegate Park
and perceived in me the fragile liniments
of beauty unspoiled
by the false trappings of art.
I beg your pardon?
I wasn't until Mr Alberotti spotted me in
Ryegate... oh, it's all in the catalogue.
But I mean, it's not sculpture.
Anyone can do that.
What do you mean?
I mean, look at Ted Dixon.
He was in the main hall
of the National Gallery
until they had so many complaints
they had to put him down in the spare room.
With Fred Leicester.
But I mean nothing, it's just...
Oh, excuse me.
Some art critics, if you don't mind.
Oh, look!
There's the Alberotti that everyone's been
talking about.
Isn't it divine?
- Doesn't it just breathe all over you?
- Yes.
I mean, look at those feet, I mean,
they're so... they're so...
- Erm...
- Big?
Big! Big, that's the word.
I mean, they're so real, they're almost...
they're almost...
- Human?
- No.
No, not human, they're more... more...
- Big.
- Big!
That's the word.
It's the best thing he's done.
- Oh, yes, yes, yes.
- I don't think so. I don't like it.
What? Ah.
No, I don't like it, no.
No, how can you? I mean, look at the nose,
how it hangs from the face.
- It's all out of proportion, you see?
- Yes, yes, big, you see?
Granted it's ugly,
but it's beautifully ugly.
No, it's not, it's just ugly. I mean...
Look at all those wrinkles
and look at the hairs up the nose.
No, no, I don't like it at all. No.
Ah...
Now there, there's something like it.
Oh!
- Oh, yes!
- Yes!
Alfphonse, do come and look at this.
- Oh, I rather like that.
- "Man In Art Gallery."
Look at him hold his catalogue.
No, look, he isn't a work
of art, that one...
- I've got nothing to do with it!
- I say! I say, look!
Look there!
Television with viewers!
- A perfect example.
- Oh, that's jolly good.
(THEY CLAMOUR)
Look at that armchair, isn't it real?
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
ANNOUNCER:
The scene is London.
Taking advantage
of Captain Fantastic's absence
the evil Mrs Black is hard at work.
(MRS BLACK CACKLES)
As he hastens to the scene,
little does Captain Fantastic know
that nearing the climax
of her devilish machinations
she is keeping a watch on London.
(MRS BLACK GIGGLES)
(SHE CACKLES)
At last she is putting her horrible plan
into action.
And with unparalleled temerity,
she is about to stop time.
- (BIG BEN CHIMES)
- (BIG BEN DISTORTS)
Disaster!
With Big Ben out of action, the entire life
of the metropolis grinds to a halt.
Can no one stop her seizing control
of the nation?
Where is Captain Fantastic?
CAPTAIN FANTASTIC:
This is Captain Fantastic speaking.
As I raced towards London
through the lifeless streets...
little did I know that Mrs Black had thrown
the whole city into a state of alarm.
(CLOCK WINDS UP)
(ALARM RINGS)
(ALARM STOPS)
(MRS BLACK CACKLES)
CAPTAIN FANTASTIC: Aided by her treacherous
clock henchmen, time was on her side.
Every now and then,
a gallant timepiece refused to obey her
and went on strike.
- (CLOCK CHIMES)
- But she was unstoppable.
(CLOCK CRASHES)
At last, I arrived!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Time was running out fast, when...
(LOUD CRASH)
Alarmed by my pursuit,
they had unwittingly run into a cul-de-sac.
Heh. So much for the treacherous clocks!
Now, I only had to find Mrs Black
to have her trapped.
But where was she?
A-ha!
Cornered in a dustbin!
I pounced!
Ey-oh!
(HE MUTTERS)
Got me foot stuck there, ooh...
(HE MUTTERS)
Ooh! No, not there...
But she'd gone!
It was oblivious to me
that she must be close at hand.
Suddenly, my eye was caught by Big Ben.
The nation's timepiece at a standstill?
It was the work of a moment to operate
my anti-evil-stoppage of Big Ben ray.
(BIG BEN CHIMES)
(HE SIGHS)
It was all in a day's work.
But then...
I heard a beautiful voice... calling me!
(PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYS)
ANNOUNCER:
How did Mrs Black disappear?
Is she about to conquer the world?
Do you think she will
give me her autograph?
Don't miss the unbearable excitement
of next week's instalment
of Captain Fantastic!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(MUSIC: "CAPTAIN FANTASTIC, WE LOVE YOU"
BY ERIC IDLE AND BONZO DOG DOO-DAH BAND)
# Nobody knows where he comes from #
# Nobody knows where he goes #
# He's got ten fantastic fingers #
# And ten fantastic toes #
# He's a man
He's a super, super man #
# Nobody can tame him #
# He's a man
He's a supermarket man #
# And this is what they name him #
# They call him Captain #
# Captain Fantastic #
# Captain #
# Captain Fantastic #
# With your bowler hat
and your plastic mac #
- # And your umbrella pose #
- # Ready for action #
# Captain #
# Captain Fantastic #
# Captain #
# Captain Fantastic #
# Captain #
# Captain Fantastic, we love you #
# He's more super than Superman #
# And he's more bats than Batman #
# He's much thinner than the old Thin Man #
# And he's fatter than the Fat Man #
# He's done more good than Robin Hood #
# And he outwits the Blit Men #
# And Mrs Black, she won't come back #
# With a ficker from his Flit Gun #
# Captain #
# Captain Fantastic #
# Captain #
# Captain Fantastic #
# With your bowler hat
and your plastic mac #
- # And your umbrella pose #
- # Ready for action #
# Captain #
# Captain Fantastic #
# Captain #
# Captain Fantastic #
# Captain #
# Captain Fantastic, we love you #
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
# Captain #
# Captain Fantastic #
# Captain #
# Captain Fantastic #
# With your bowler hat
and your plastic mac #
# And your umbrella pose #
# Captain #
# Captain Fantastic #
# Captain #
# Captain Fantastic #
# Captain #
# Captain Fantastic, we love you #
# Captain #
# Captain Fantastic #
# Captain #
# Captain Fantastic #
# With your bowler hat
and your plastic mac #