Do Not Adjust Your Set (1967–1969): Season 1, Episode 10 - Episode #1.9 - full transcript

(THEME TUNE PLAYS)

(INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE)

ANNOUNCER:
Right Do Not Adjust Your Set

And now here are tonight's football results.

Terry Jones, two.

Michael Palin, ill.

Eric Idle, four

David Jason, four

Denise Coffey was abandoned at half-time.

PRESENTER: This week, Do Not Adjust Your Set
looks at sport.

Next week, we shall be looking at deceit.



The week after,
we shall be looking under deceit.

But this week, sport.

First of all, boxing.

Is it a hard-fought struggle
between two teams of 11 men

over five days, or is that cricket?

Er, fox-hunting.

Is it the cruel, barbarous pursuit
of an innocent animal

by a group of upper class twits?

Or is it a kind of Spanish wind instrument?

Those are just two of the questions
we won't be answering tonight.

First of all, let's go straight away
and take a quick look at one of the world's

toughest and roughest sports.

(CLOCK TICKS)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)



Next week in Rugby Special,
we shall be considering the question

are the Welsh the scrum of the Earth?

Now, over to...

Mike! Michael!

Oh, you're better!

Oh!

No, it's Tim.

- Tim? Who?
- Tim Brooke-Taylor.

I heard that Michael Palin was ill
so I thought I might pop along

and fill in a few gaps
with my frogman routine.

Push off.

Sorry...

And now, we go over for a report
on this afternoon's international

from Norris McClutchey.

Well, today, the seething cauldron
that is Wembley exploded like a live volcano

from the damp squib of expectation,
with a duel we'd all been waiting for.

Ken Scotland for England playing opposite
Mike England for Scotland.

Ireland, playing in his 14th game
for England today

which is a lot of football in one day

opposite Alex Welsh for Scotland.

Although it was Black in the white shirt
who scored through Brown

passing England to put Scotland in the lead
from the left foot of Right

who broke a leg at Aintree last year,
and is making a remarkable recovery.

The crowd was at fever pitch, and the seven
lads from the St Johns Ambulance Brigade

did a splendid job coping with it,
full marks to them.

Other scorers, well, Ireland and Scotland
scored for England.

Welsh got past Ireland to score for Scotland
and England equalised for Scotland

in the dying sounds of this well-fought,
hard struggle.

In fact, this game was a cracker right up
to the final moment when Mr German

the Norwegian referee from Clapham
looked at this watch

a hand-made precision job made in Bristol,
and called it a day with his whistle.

Final score, Scotland one

England lost.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

And now there's great excitement here
in the Do Not Adjust Your Set studios

because Grabber Parks is going to attempt
to lift 800 pounds.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

(DRUMROLL PLAYS)

(AUDIENCE BOOS)

Here we have for you, live in the studio,
an attempt on a world record.

It's the world low-jump record,
and it's going to be attempted

by David "Rubber Legs" Jason.

Here you see him lumbering down...

I'm sorry, limbering up.

And he's going first of all to attempt
the jump of six inches

which is the Malaysian
and Empire newcomers record.

Six inches.

Uh, he's preparing to jump now.

There's an expectant hush here
as he prepares for the jump.

Well-known stride...

Oh, yes, he's cleared it!
He's cleared the six inches.

And now, the pole is being lowered to the
frightening prospect

of four and a half inches.

Which, if he can jump, it will be a Native
and General Post Office record.

Four and a half inches, remember.

There's... a stillness here,
as he's preparing for the jump.

He's, uh... lining himself up again.

And, uh...

Oh, he won't do it...

He has! He's done it! He's done it!

He's cleared it!

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
he's going to attempt the world record

of one and a half inches.

Which, as you remember, was set up in 1937
by Wee Willie "The Leaper" Watkins

of Nigeria.

That's one and a half inches.

Will he do it?
All eyes are on this gallant British battler

in this go-it-alone sport for amateurs.

And, uh, he's turning now.

It's a very silent moment here.

Everyone's very still.

But a great moment in British sportsmanship.

He's preparing now.

And... oh, no!

No, he's failed to clear it!

Never mind. Hard luck, David. Well done.

And thanks for being such a great sport
and good luck with the green grocery business

you're starting.

(SAD TROMBONE PLAYS)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

(THEY CLAMOUR)

Ya could see it was miles offside!

It's obvious it was offside!

What's goin' on here?

What's all the row about then?

Well, Rangers beat United, didn't they?
That's what it's about.

- MEN MURMUR
- Rangers beat United?

Well, that's marvellous.

Marvellous? What do you mean?
It was offside a mile!

(THEY CLAMOUR)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

One of the things
we British are good at is...

Frogman routines.

Tim.

It's very sweet of you to come and help us
like this, thank you very much indeed.

Frogman routine number two.

Tim.

Push off!

(HE CROAKS)

One of the things
we British are good at is losing.

We have to be,
and we call it "sportsmanship".

COMMENTATOR:
Game, set and match, Prazilken.

Thanks for the game, old man.

Game? Call that a game? How can you play
a game on a ploughed field like that?

Oh, I thought you played jolly well.

And what about those line judges, eh?

Well, you know, they were alright.

Oh, they were alright for you, they loved you
but they were shouting "Out!"

before I'd even picked up the ball.

Well, I still thought you played jolly well.

That and the television light.

And that dreadful cheering
every time you scored a point.

I mean, I don't mind the net being a foot
too high or the ball boys sniggering

every time I miss the ball, but that umpire
was so obviously unfair!

I mean, is he a relative of yours?

No, no, no.

He wouldn't let me finish my lemonade.

He never gave me time to change my racket,
he didn't allow my appeal against the light

and he kept coughing into the microphone
every time I tried to serve.

I mean, short of actually tying me
to the chair, he did about everything

he possibly could to make sure I didn't win.

Well, it doesn't matter who wins or loses,
it's the game that counts.

Oh, it's alright for you. You lost.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)

Alright, lads.

Now, as your coach,
the manager's instructed me to give you

the new tactics.

Now, last season's policy of playing
the 4-3-5 formation worked very successfully

until someone in the league
discovered that that made 12 men.

So, we're right back down to 11
and unless we can sneak on a substitute

we're stuck with it.

Now, we should be playing as of next Saturday
defensive football.

We shall play the 1-10 formation.

That is, playing the goalkeeper out front
and everyone else behind him.

Now we're playing the goalkeeper forward

because as you know,
he was top scorer last season.

And he was a very good lad.
He scored 18 goals last season.

Unfortunately, they were all in his own goal.

Anyway, the attacks will consist
of long kicks forward

in the hope that the goalkeeper
may miss the ball completely

or kick the ball in his own net
out of sheer boredom.

Now there won't be any bonus money, lads,
there'll just be a few short fines

and a few prison sentences.

Now, I'd just like to say a word
about kissing.

Now, last Saturday, Hamilton,
you kissed the centre forward.

Yes, I know, I know he'd done a grand job

but it was their centre forward!

Now look,
we've had a very poor record recently, lads.

We've nearly been relegated 15 times,
13 for nearly coming bottom of the league

and twice for cheating.

So, in future,
we only propose to be relegated for cheating.

Alright?

You got that, Hamilton?

I don't want you no kissing this week.
Right, lad, get out there.

Right, lad, do something with the ball...

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

Good morning.

- I have invented a new sport.
- Yes, what is it?

It's more exciting than cricket,
it's more strenuous than chess

and it's more enjoyable than netball.

- Chair back banana grabbing?
- And it's called chair back banana grabbing.

How did you know?

Well, we usually get someone in
this time of year trying to patent

chair back banana grabbing.

Oh, you mean it's been done before?

Oh, goodness me, yes!

It's an old traditional game
of patent offices all over the world.

We have a tournament every two years
and a banana grabbing league

when they're in season.

Oh, yes, but I don't think it's exactly
the same as my game. My game...

- Two or more players on chair back.
- On chairs, yes...

- Banana.
- Banana...

Right arm for grabbing, left arm for groping
and you stick your tongue out.

Yes.

We have a tournament every year.

Oh, yes, but there's a variation in mine,
you see.

With yours, everyone has to sing the
Last Waltz until the banana's been grabbed

at least six times,
and the loser can shoot the referee

if his name happens to be Arnold
or there's an R in the month.

Yes, that's right.

French chair back banana grabbing
hasn't caught on in this country

though some people seem to think
it's a better spectator sport.

- Personally, I prefer the American rules.
- Oh, you don't mean...

BOTH:
Easy chairs on casters.

- To stop the other side eating in, yes.
- Yes, well...

That's my game completely.

Yes, well, you've got to excuse me now

I've got to go collect a cup I won
for another little game we have

- in the patents office.
- Oh, what's that?

It's called "Guess The Stupid Games
People invent".

I'm world champion.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

PRESENTER:
Not all sports are fiercely competitive.

The gentle art of angling makes a man
contemplative, at one with nature

and at peace with the world

WOMAN:
Sid, your tea's ready!

Eh?

Well, I hope it's not fish again.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)

And now, by a public demand, frogman routine.

# I got plenty a nuttin' #

- (KNEES KNOCK)
- # And nuttin's plenty for me #

# Scoopy-doo, tee-chimpan-patoot #

# Patat-ta-tee pong #

That's it.

Course, it's better underwater.

A bit.

Bring back Michael Palin!

ALL:
Bring back Michael Palin!

(THEY CLAMOUR)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

- And now...
- Sport.

Um, no, Tim. We have in fact finished sport,
in the first half, in practice.

But what about in practice
my golfing routine?

Um, no, Tim, we finished with it, sport.

And so, uh...

- Push off.
- Push off, yes.

(AUDIENCE "AWWS")

And now, after that,
I'd like to say a nice word about

the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band.

Unfortunately, I couldn't think of one.

So, here they are.

(MUSIC: "HELLO MABEL"
BY THE BONZO DOG DOO-DAH BAND)

# People may say #

# That it will never do #

# But I can't help the way #

# I feel when I'm walking out with you #

# Hello, Mabel, are you able #

# To come out today? #

# It's a lovely day #

# Won't you come and play? #

# Hello, Mabel, if you're able #

# Slip out on your own #

# And lose your chaperone #

# 'Cause we wanna be alone #

# People may say that it will never do #

# But I can't help the way #

# I feel when I'm walking out with you #

# Hello, Mabel, if you're able #

# Say you'll come, please do #

# For an hour or two #

# You know I love you #

# Bo-ba-bee-boo #

# Boo-ba-da-boop #

# Yoo-ba-deep-bobba-doo-da-da-da #

# Ooh, do-be-yoop-do #

# Be-yoop-dooby-yoob-boop-boo-bee-yooba #

(HE IMITATES TRUMPET)

# People may say that it will never do #

# But I can't help the way #

# I feel when I'm walking out with you #

# Hello, Mabel, if you're able #

# Slip out on your own #

# And leave your chaperone #

# 'Cause we wanna be alone #

(TAP SHOES CLICK)

That ain't nothin'.

(TAP SHOES CLICK)

(TAP SHOES TICK)

(WATCH TICKS)

# People may say that it will never do #

# But I can't help the way #

# I feel when I'm walking out with you #

# Hello, Mabel, if you're able #

# Say you'll come, please do #

# For an hour or two #

# You know I love you #

# Bee-yoop-n-doop-n-boopy-yoop-n-boo-hoo #

# Wah, wah #

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

Come in, young sir.

- Come in, sit down.
- Thank you.

My word, you've got a lucky face.

Oh, thank you so much.

Gaze deeply into my crystal ball.

Tell me, what can you see?

I see you...

are small, dark, with a moustache
and wearing a tweed jacket

and... (SHE GASPS)
Wait a minute!

You've got a flower in your buttonhole.

It's right, that's fantastic!

Oh, dear.
I see you are going to lose a lot of money.

- Oh, no.
- You are going to meet a dark stranger

and hand over all your money to the stranger.

- Oh, dear.
- The stranger will threaten you

with a gun!

You do not resist
because you are terrified of guns.

That's right, I am!
I thought only my mother knew that!

I see the dark stranger crossing water,
getting away from people

dressed in blue!

That'll be them,
that'll be the police after her!

Oh, dear, I see you being hit on the head
and left without your wallet.

Oh, no, you don't!

Oh, yes, you do!

Oh...

She's the best fortune teller
I have ever been to.

She's always so accurate.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

# Be-yoop-n-doop-a-yoob-n-doo #

# Wah, wah, wah #

(HE SPEAKS ITALIAN)

OK.

Ah! English, eh?

- Yes, yes, English, yes.
- Hey, hey, hey.

What?

"Mini-skirt."

- Ah, yes, mini-skirt, mm.
- Eh! I love the English mini-skirt.

It's fantastic!

Thought you probably would.

It's great, the English mini-skirt.
You know what I mean?

We do have other things, you know,
we make jolly good cars

and fabulous footballers
and damn fine policemen.

And you make the mini-skirt, eh?

- That's right.
- I love the English mini-skirt.

- Don't go on about it, old chap.
- It's fantastic.

- I go wild if I see English mini-skirt.
- Look, I'm in a hurry.

- I have an important business...
- Mini-skirt! Mini-skirt!

- Would you please mark this and...
- Mini-skirt, I love it!

Viva la mini-skirt, eh!

You Italians,
you never think of anything else!

Honestly.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

Oh, uh, ah...

The next part of our programme
is not unsuitable for children.

It's unsuitable for anyone.

It is Captain Fantastic!

Last week,
Captain Fantastic was shrunk into a bottle

and flung into a fast-flowing river
going who knows where?

The evil perpetrator of this dreadful deed
was of course the wicked Mrs Black.

What a very good woman she is.

(SHE CACKLES)
Oh, I beg your pardon.

I admire her so much. She's so subtle,
her make-up's always so beautiful and...

(THEME TUNE PLAYS)

ANNOUNCER:
This is an empty bottle.

This is an empty beach.

This is a pair of legs.

This is...

CAPTAIN FANTASTIC:
Captain Fantastic speaking!

I was free again, back to normal size again

and lost again.

I was not, however, alone.

I employed my international
sign of recognition.

But he appeared suspiciously backward
in coming forward.

I whipped out my niboculars...

erm, correction...

Telescope.

Blundering bananas!

Beach combers!

I didn't like the look of them.

So, with true British bravado,
I affected an immediate retreat

and dived for cover.

(LOUD RUMBLE)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Upon resurfacing, it became quite oblivious
that they were after me.

But I had eluded them,
and was perfectly safe...

to boot.

I was picked up by the police.

I revealed my identity

and was immediately arrested.

Having escaped from their clutches

I instantly turned my anti-hostile
constabulary ray on them.

But then disaster struck.

Golly, I've broken me brolly.

As I made haste to contact my control...

suddenly, this was a good sign.

Perhaps I could get it mended.

Upon arrival, I found the shop deserted.

(BELL RINGS)

But then...

I found myself face-to-face
with an umbrella fella!

I explained my predicament

and he listened sympathetically.

I could see I was in good handles.

Before I could say "horrible handbag"...

my umbrella was as good as new.

I offered him some brolly lolly.

But he waved it away.

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

(BROLLIES CHIRP)

Now I had no time to lose.

The mysterious backward people were after me!

I had to escape...

ANNOUNCER:
Trapped? Not Captain Fantastic!

He's off again!

Can he find Mrs Black?

What has she been up to?

Why don't I shut up and wait
for next week's edition of...

Captain Fantastic!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS)

Oh, Romeo.

Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?

What's in a name?

That which we call a rose by any other name
would smell as sweet.

So would Romeo were he not Romeo called
retain that dear perfection which he owes

without that title.

Romeo, doff thy name, and for thy name,
which is no part of thee

take all myself.

ALL:
I take thee at thy word! Call me but love...

Oh.

- I think there's been a bit of a mistake.
- (ALL TALK)

What man art thou that so bescreened in night
so stumblest on my counsel?

(ALL TALK AT ONCE)

(HOARSE VOICE):
Romeo, Romeo, where art thou Romeo?

(THEY CLAMOUR)

(THEY SCREAM)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)