Divorce (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript
I was reluctant
to lawyer up,
- but, hey, I gotta
protect what's mine.
- So smart.
Mediation is like
one person ends up
with the cup,
the other person ends up
with the coffee, you know?
( laughs )
Right.
So, um, let's see
what kind of assets
we're talking about.
It's not gonna look
like a whole lot on paper,
but I got a big project
in the works.
It's an indoor
adventure experience
called FunSpace.
- Mm.
- The, uh--
the DBA is pending.
And soon
as it's rolling,
whole financial picture's
gonna change.
Well, you're
in great hands
with Gerald Watkins
Mayfield.
So, you do
mostly divorces?
Nope. Mostly wills,
trusts, estates.
- You do some divorces?
- You know what, Robert?
Basically,
it's all law.
- ( knocking on door )
- All law.
- I'm with a client.
- ( door opens )
Hey, sorry.
I'm going out.
Will you set the timer,
turn off the oven
in 35 minutes?
I'm using the timer
for a meeting, hon--
Angela.
Use your phone, then.
Right.
Thank you.
Good idea.
My associate, Angela.
Also my wife.
One of the many benefits
of working at home.
Um, do you
have a, you know--
like, a real office
somewhere else?
Robert, there's no bells
and whistles here.
I run lean and mean
so I can focus on
winning cases.
Fancy offices,
hot secretaries,
diplomas on the walls--
I don't need
that ego bullshit.
Right.
The good news
for you is
I don't charge
what those midtown
divorce lawyers charge.
They can be
750 an hour.
Holy fuck!
Who's got
that kind of green?
Well, you might
someday.
If I can protect
what you've got coming.
( sighs )
I can do this, Robert.
Are you on board?
Uh, yeah.
- Yeah, I think I am.
- Great.
- ( timer rings )
- All right, so we're at
an hour and six minutes.
Screw it,
let's call it an hour.
- How do you wanna pay up?
- What works for you?
Cash.
( music playing )
¶ I won't go livin'
in the past ¶
¶ But I believe
that love can last ¶
¶ That you'd always remain ¶
¶ After all,
we're still the same ¶
¶ Take me ¶
¶ Take me high ¶
¶ Say hello ¶
¶ Take me ¶
¶ Take me high ¶
¶ Say hello ¶
¶ Say hello ¶
- ¶ Say hello... ¶
- ( phone ringing )
- Can someone get that?
- Lila: I'm watching a movie!
Tom?
Hello?
Oh-- oh, uh, hello.
Um, I'm sorry.
I thought this was
his cell phone.
Are you--
are you calling
for Robert?
No. Is he there?
He hired a lawyer?
No! What?
( chuckles )
Uh, I must have
the wrong number.
Uh, the wrong Robert.
I'm not a lawyer.
This, uh--
this is a prank call.
What are you wearing?
( phone beeps )
See, over here,
I was thinking about
putting the FunSpace
FoodSpace.
Back here,
the ball pit,
so that's gonna be
the FunSpace BallSpace.
- What do you think
of that, George?
- I love it.
So, are you ready
to make an offer?
Because sellers
are very motivated.
A few more questions, George.
A few more questions
from my investors.
Okay, what about
the parking lot?
- I mean, how many spots
do we got out there?
- 226.
226 families,
which is
a thousand entry fees
if I go with
the entry fee structure.
- Yeah, mm-hmm.
- Right?
What about room
for tour buses?
Well, none right now,
but that's just white paint.
White paint.
I like that, George.
White paint.
See, tour buses are key
to the business model
because I see this
as a field trip destination.
You know, let me ask you
a quick question,
how high do you think
the average kid jumps
on a trampoline?
I-- that,
I'm not sure, no.
Well, because
it's gonna directly affect
the height of the ceiling.
- Right.
- But I don't wanna stop
the parents from jumping.
- No.
- I don't wanna do that
because fun has no age limit.
Son of a bitch, George.
This is all you.
- You're the one that's
motivating all of this.
- ( chuckles )
All right.
Oh, you know what?
- You know what would be fun?
Velcro suits.
- ( phone chiming )
- Like, they jump
and they stick.
- Oh, and...
- Right?
They struggle like a baby.
- Right. Yeah, man.
- It'd be funny.
- Yeah. Okay.
Hang on one second.
Yello?
You hired a lawyer?
Uh, well, I'm not
actually obligated
to, you know, give you
that information.
I already
got that information
from your lawyer.
Okay, well,
I may or may not have--
He called the house,
so now I know you have
a lawyer
and I know
he's an idiot.
Okay, let's not
make it personal.
Which makes you
an idiot, too.
You don't have
to call him an idiot.
I thought we decided
to mediate, you know,
act like adults,
make this as painless
as possible.
Frances, just trying to protect
both our interests here, okay?
And I don't we were
getting anywhere
- with the binders and,
you know, coloring books.
- ( growls ) Workbooks!
And we paid for that session
that you didn't even bother
to show up for.
Right.
So, we tried mediation.
- Let's move on.
Is that crazy?
- Robert...
when this is over
and you're wondering
when exactly it went so wrong,
remember this moment
because you did this.
You did this
the moment you hired
a lawyer, okay?
So, I was wondering
if I'm at sort of
a disadvantage
since my husband
already has a lawyer.
Gerald Watkins Mayfield?
I do not see him
as a problem.
I looked
at his website.
His main area of expertise
would appear to be clip art.
So, preliminarily,
issue one--
Excuse me, I'm sorry.
Just-- it's just
one more thing
before we get
too far along.
Um, can you--
can you just give me
a sense of how much
this is gonna cost?
Well, that depends
on your definition
of cost, right?
Because with me,
you get a partner.
We walk through this
together.
You are not stuck
with some teenage
summer associate.
Your problems
are my problems.
So, this is going to be
quite costly.
Yes.
But compared with
the assets you could lose,
it's a mere fraction.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah,
let's do this.
Preliminarily,
issue one--
I never
wanna be surprised,
so you must be
totally honest with me
about anything
that he might use
against you.
Well, I--
I cheated on him.
- I had an affair.
- Okay.
That's common.
We can get through that.
"Let he
who is without sin"--
Also, because of
the affair,
I missed some time
with my kids.
Regrettable,
but understandable.
Also, I don't need
all of this right now...
I've erased shows
that I knew Robert
wanted to watch
because
I found them annoying,
like "Ice Road Truckers."
I don't know
that program, but--
I kissed-- no, actually,
I fully made out
with this guy
at my friend Dallas's
bachelorette--
Again, just--
just put these
in an email.
- Just shoot 'em off.
- I've never faked an orgasm
with Robert.
I mean, I-- it probably
sounds impressive,
but it's not.
It's mean.
And when I didn't
have one,
because, you know,
as a woman you don't always,
I would make it clear to him
that I didn't have one
and he would
feel awful.
And then he would wanna
make it up to me
by, you know,
doing, you know.
And I would say,
"Nah, let's just
go to sleep."
I think I enjoyed
making him feel
inadequate.
Oof.
I mean, that's just
at the top, you know--
off the top
of my head.
I mean, if you
give me a few minutes,
I'm sure I can
think of more.
Just jot them all down
at home...
- Okay, okay.
- ...and bring them with you
the next time that I see you.
The more that I know,
the easier it is
for me to get you
what you deserve.
What do I deserve?
Happiness.
Oh. Oh.
Blue key
is for the front door,
pink key
is for storage.
That's it.
It's all yours.
Exciting.
It's exciting
and terrifying.
Hey, you know,
maybe you could
smash out this wall
and buy the space
next door, too.
- Sure.
- You could put
a cafe in there.
Yeah, I think
the gallery is all
I can handle right now.
Right, start
really, really small,
then expand
and make it special.
So, what was
this place before?
Last year,
it was a bridal shop
primarily for lesbians.
- Oh.
- And before that,
it was a Halloween store.
And before that,
it was used for
animal adoptions.
Oh, I-- I was not
previously aware of this.
Oh, yeah, it's one of those
super diverse locations
where just about
anything can work.
- Here's hoping!
- Anyway, congratulations.
- Good luck.
- Bye.
Good-bye.
It's so dark in here.
It was really sunny
when she showed me
the place.
I think she did that
on purpose.
- I hate her.
- Oh, come on.
You're getting to do
what you always
wanted to do--
the art stuff.
Ooh, I forgot.
I made you a list.
I had Nick's
business manager
put this together.
These are all artists
whose paintings we bought,
so they owe me one,
which means they
owe you one.
Thank you, Diane.
Wow. Wowza, yes.
These are
big-time artists, yeah.
Sort of out of my league
at this stage.
Wow, you guys
have two John Currins?
Oh, just tiny, little ones.
I could pop them
in my pocket.
Oh, Mickey Burgess, yeah.
He's having, um--
he's having
an opening at a gallery
in Scarsdale this week.
Oh, I bet they're having
an opening party, then.
( gasps )
We should go!
We should go!
- Come on.
We're totally gonna go.
- Okay, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I'll introduce you to
Mickey what's-his-name.
- As what?
"This is my friend
Frances.
It's really important
you know her
'cause she's opening
a shitty little gallery
at an ex-Halloween store."
Uh, excuse me.
Is this Progress Bridal?
Oh, no.
It's an art gallery now.
Oh.
( sighs )
- ( door closes )
- Well...
Do you think
they're real lesbians?
Well, I'm not sure
why they would
be pretending.
You got Max Brodkin?
Phoof!
- You told me to call him.
- Phoof, I know.
But can you afford
that kind of money?
What?! You told me
to call him.
And stop saying "phoof."
Yeah.
No, you're right.
No, no.
He's great and he doesn't
take just anyone.
He represented
that guy on Wall Street
whose wife said
that he forced her to
have group sex with clients.
Yeah, I remember.
That was an awful story.
No, I knew her.
She liked it.
Anyway, Brodkin
helped that guy
keep his apartment
and she ended up
in debt prison,
so lucky you.
When did you
start smoking again?
This morning
when Cole told me
that he wants to go live
with his stepfather.
Oh, no.
And he's spending
all his free time
with this 18-year-old hussy
who looks like
she's been pregnant
twice already.
( sighs )
That's really why I called.
I just need to cry.
- You need to cry?
- Yeah. You know that
I can't cry just by myself.
I need somebody
to be listening
or it just doesn't come.
'Cause that's how you got
your dad's attention, yeah.
Right, I just--
I need to, you know,
get it out of my system
and-- or I can't
get through the day, so...
( deep breath )
Hang on.
- It's coming.
- Listen, I'm sure
Cole didn't mean that.
- He doesn't--
- Shh. Please just
let me do this.
( sighs, whimpering )
( inhales )
Fuck it.
It's not happening.
- ( elevator dings )
- Okay, maybe we could
just try this again later.
- I look forward to that.
- All right. I gotta go.
- I have an appointment.
- Bye!
( sighs )
- Hello, Ellen.
- Hi, Dr. Holt.
- How was your week?
- Really not good.
Thank God you showed up.
I've been dying to get
out of the house.
Well, that's how you
got out of there
last time, huh?
Right.
Yeah, that's right.
Well, if anyone deserves
a thick, juicy steak,
it's you.
Yeah, I can't have
a steak.
I just had
a massive heart attack,
but I'm thrilled
with the salad bar.
Just saying it's 4.95
to add a steak.
Yeah, I can't have a steak.
I just had a massive
heart attack.
You know what?
Not the best
cut of meat I've ever had
for under five dollars,
but not the worst
either.
- Thank you. Thanks.
- You're welcome.
So, Nick,
your children are old
and estranged from you now.
And maybe you don't see
the necessity--
Is-- is this
about your FunZone?
- FunSpace, yeah.
- You already pitched this
to me.
I started to pitch it to you
and Diane cut me off.
But I could see
that you were interested.
And the space is not
gonna be available
very much longer,
so I was wondering
maybe you're ready
to pull the trigger.
You know,
manner of speaking.
You took me to dinner
to ask me for money?
To make you money,
my man.
Make you money.
All right, here we go.
- All right.
- Put the buds in.
You ready? Okay.
- ( muffled music playing )
- Is it playing?
- What?
- Is it playing?
Yeah.
Is this
"Hang on Loosely"?
It's "Hold on Loosely."
It's by--
it doesn't matter.
Is it-- oh.
Here we go.
Hey, Nick, oil prices
may rise and fall.
The real estate market
may go in the shitter.
No matter how bad
the economy gets, Nick,
children always
wanna jump on trampolines.
I can't hear
what you're saying
and listen to the music.
Oh, maybe just
take the buds out
and hold them
next to your ears.
- Robert.
- ( laptop closes )
The smartest thing
a man can do
is understand
his limitations.
Like, look at the way
you went at that salad bar.
You couldn't possibly
have eaten all of that.
That's because
I'm hungry, Nick,
which is good
in business.
You've made
one great investment
in your life.
Made hundreds
of great investments
for my clients
when I was on Wall Street.
Jesus Christ,
I'm talking about Frances.
You need to focus on her,
not on this,
because she is
the important shit.
( sighs )
Nick, is everything
okay at home?
Is Diane threatening
to kill you again?
Everything is great
at home.
The incident,
as awful as it was,
actually saved
my marriage.
Your marriage
could be savable, too.
Savable? She fucked
a French guy 69 times.
Look.
As lousy
as the marriage is,
the divorce is gonna be
much, much worse.
You are gonna
get cock-fucked
on this, Robert.
I am worried about you.
She's hired
a really good lawyer.
- Who has?
- Margaret Thatcher.
Who the fuck
are we talking about?
Your wife, Frances.
Frances?
She hired a lawyer?
When?
I don't know when,
but she hired Max Brodkin
and he's really good.
He's really,
really good.
- Who's your guy?
- Gerald Watkins Mayfield.
Yeah, see, I--
I don't know them.
He's a local guy.
Does mostly wills and trusts,
you know, that sort of thing.
- But it's all law, right?
- It's all law?
- Y-yeah.
- It's all law?!
( music playing )
It's actually quite cathartic
to list all the shitty things
you've ever done.
Mm, I'd need
several notebooks
to list everything bad
I've done to my poor baby,
Nick.
Wow.
You tell Max Brodkin
about Allen's funeral?
What did I do
at Allen's funeral?
You took
some of the flowers.
You said you didn't know
what to do with all the flowers.
I meant, "Help me
bring them home,"
not, "Put my dead
husband's flowers on
your fucking coffee table."
- Uh... ( scoffs )
- Diane: Yeah, that was weird.
You've also been
somewhat unkind about Nick.
- Did I shoot him?
- You're doing it again.
- Yes, yes.
- Yes, thank you.
No, thank you.
I can't.
I'm not having-- I'm not--
I'm not drinking any alcohol.
Of course I would like to,
but I'm not going to,
but thank you.
What is that, champagne?
Looks good. No, thank you.
So, are you--
are you not drinking?
No, I haven't had a drop
since the night of
Nick's accident.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
- You're Diane,
Nick Clavowen's wife, right?
- Yes.
- I'm Mickey Burgess.
This is my show.
- Oh!
Mickey:
So glad you're here.
You and your husband
bought
Kelly Vang's
"Tashkent Exteriors"
last year, didn't you?
Hmm, was that a painting
or a sculpture?
- It was a series
of 40 paintings.
- Oh, yes!
Um, well, honestly,
I think only one of them
made it into the house.
- ( chuckles )
- I would like you
to meet my friend Frances
of the Frances DuFresne
Gallery in Hastings.
- Hello. Hi.
- Carson Hodges.
Oh, wow. Yeah, no, I--
I actually know your work.
- Actually?
- No, I mean I'm a--
I'm a massive fan.
- Hmm.
- I loved your "Gross
National Product" series.
I never thought I would
have this opportunity,
but did I--
is it possible I detected
a little bit of commentary
on Koons's calculated
commercialism going on there?
- A little bit
of what on what?
- He knows.
Koons's hollow populism
is a fraudulent vulgarity.
Oh, okay.
Well, we'll agree
to disagree.
But congratulations
nonetheless.
Diane, why don't
we let them have
their discussion
about themes and--
and all that, okay?
Did you see...
You know, when I,
uh, started the "GNP,"
I thought I was doing
a vicious parody of Koons,
but when I finished it,
I realized,
"Shit, all I did
was replicate him."
I'm sorry it wasn't
more well-received.
But, you know,
give them a few years,
they'll catch up.
Thanks. I look forward
to being mildly appreciated
after my death.
Who doesn't?
Fuck it.
Let's get a drink.
Talk about all the other
fraudulent vulgarities
out there.
- You've got a list?
- Who doesn't?
We completely lost
the element of surprise,
Gerry,
because you fucking
called the house.
Yes, I-- I agree.
That was my bad.
But can we keep it down
a little bit out here
because my wife is--
Yeah, I know.
Your wife's asleep.
That's why we're
in the car, dipshit.
She made these for us,
so-- they're for everyone.
Shit, now Frances
will start looking
for a lawyer.
She already has one.
Max Brod-something.
- Max Brodkin?!
- Yeah, you know him?
I wish. I mean,
I know of him.
- He's a legend.
- So, am I fucked?
No! The question is
am I up to it?
- No, because you're
not a divorce lawyer.
- Why are you down on him?
- You told me to hire him!
- I didn't know he was gonna
call the house.
Guys, it's fine.
It's all law.
- It's not all law, Gerry.
- Robert, listen.
This is an amazing
opportunity for me.
I could learn a lot
from that guy.
I would lower my rate
just to be in court with him.
- That's something to consider.
- What are you guys,
the dipshit twins?!
This isn't
a teaching hospital.
This is my life, man.
- I need a real goddamn lawyer.
- Can you afford one?
No, I can't, dumbass,
because I have a shitty
accountant.
You know what?
Nick's right.
I gotta step
my game up into high gear
starting right now.
Gerry, you are
officially fired.
Don, I'm gonna
keep you on.
Bullshit!
You're fucking fired, too!
- ( scoffs )
- Gerry, get out of the car.
And, Don, you drive me
back to mine.
- Move it, Gerry.
- ( engine starts )
- Thank you.
- So, tell me about
the Frances DuFresne Gallery.
First of all,
it's not even open yet.
- Why Hastings?
- Because I live there.
- Ah.
- And because
every time I walk past
an "art gallery"
in Hastings,
I, um--
I wanna kill myself.
It's all batiks
and carved giraffes
and pottery.
- Glorified gift shop.
- Exactly!
And I think just because
you don't live in Manhattan
or, you know,
Paris or London
doesn't mean that
you don't deserve to look
at something beautiful
and provocative
and challenging.
- Does a clientele exist?
- Uh, I guess I'll find out
soon enough.
Well, if things
are a little slow
the first few months,
don't panic
and add, you know, a fucking
coffee bar or something.
No way.
I'd sooner burn it
to the ground.
Well done, Carson.
Once again,
you've snatched the strongbox
out from under me.
I'm in the middle
of a conversation here,
Gustav.
Unfortunately, dear Carson,
I've been circulating the room.
Word is she doesn't
have the money
that her friend Diane
of "Diane and Nick" have.
- You're a drunk.
- I'm a drunk who had
pieces in the Whitney.
You had one piece
in the Whitney
because Al Emery heard
you had bladder cancer.
How many pieces
have you had in there
since you went into remission?
- That's incredibly unkind.
- But accurate.
Perhaps I have had
too much to drink.
- Do help me out.
- Oh!
You desperate pig!
I'll kill you!
- Hey! I'm-- I'm okay!
- ( people gasping )
- ( glass shatters )
- Guys!
Please, guys.
Guys-- oh, my God!
- ( grunting )
- Is somebody gonna...?
Dupa! Dupa!
- Let's go.
- ( Carson grunts ) Ow!
- Robert: Thanks for
meeting me this late.
- Man: No problem.
The real reason
I didn't go through
with mediation
is because I was
too embarrassed.
It's a real low point
in my career.
Horribly in debt.
I'm living
in a working job site.
This is a terrible time
to go through a divorce.
Are you kidding me?
This is the perfect time.
Look, that lying,
cheating, cock-sucking cunt
of a soon-to-be-ex,
she could pay you
alimony.
You know, maybe
in terms of language
you could maybe
notch it down a bit.
Mother of my children.
Look, the door's
right there, you know,
if you're gonna puss out
before we've even begun.
No?
I didn't think so.
Let's get
this party started.
That was fun.
I'm glad we did that.
It was awful.
That guy only wanted
to talk to me
because he thought
I had money.
So what?
The only guy
that wanted to talk to me
thought I was the manager
of the venue
and that I could
get him a good deal
on his daughter's wedding.
- How did that happen?
- I don't know.
But I just went with it.
We're having lunch
on Thursday.
Those artist types
are so exotic.
AKA assholes.
- Not all assholes.
- Right.
- Just the ones at that party.
- ( phone chiming )
Oh, um, sir,
it's just--
it's the last house
on the right there.
- Hello?
- Hello, Frances.
- Who's this?
- This is Robert's new lawyer.
I wanted to call
and introduce myself.
( whispering )
Robert got a new lawyer.
Put him
on speaker phone.
- Shh.
- I'm Tony Silvercreek.
- ( gasps )
- Oh, yeah.
No, it's bad.
Look, I'm gonna wanna
take a deposition
from you soon,
but not tomorrow.
I know you're probably
gonna want to sleep in
after yet another late night
out with your friends,
involving alcohol.
Sleep tight, sugar.
( exhales )
He sounds like
a dirty birdy.
How did--
how does he know
what I'm doing?
- And why is he calling
at 11:30 at night?
- That's what he does.
Tony Silvercreek is one
of the most ruthless,
disgusting, go-for-blood
lawyers in divorce.
Well, why aren't
I with him, then?
Because he hates women.
He won't even
represent a woman.
Oh, well, that--
that is terrific.
Okay.
Wait, Frances.
I'm about to save
the night for you.
- I don't think that's possible.
- I'm gonna take the dog back.
What?
- Nick misses the dog.
- Nick misses the dog?
- Bless him.
- No! My kids love that dog.
And with everything
they're going through,
you wanna take that
away from them, too?
Get Nick a new dog.
Come on!
He couldn't
pick that dog out
in a lineup.
Just let me keep
the fucking dog.
( music playing )
¶ I believe
if I was all alone ¶
¶ I would be better off
in a world my own ¶
¶ I'd forget
I ever knew of you ¶
- ¶ And this dream every night
that you put me through... ¶
- ( grunts )
¶ We walk along
a Hollywood sea ¶
¶ And you dance
once again with me ¶
¶ We are close ¶
¶ We are friends ¶
¶ And our love
never ends ¶
¶ But in the cold
morning light ¶
¶ I see ¶
¶ That you won't be back ¶
¶ For me ¶
¶ There can be no peace ¶
¶ I'm condemned,
it seems ¶
¶ To a life of restlessness
and hopeless dreams ¶
¶ Hopeless dreams,
hopeless dreams ¶
¶ We are close ¶
¶ We are friends ¶
¶ And our love
never ends ¶
¶ But in the cold
morning light ¶
¶ I see ¶
¶ That you won't
be back ¶
¶ For me. ¶
to lawyer up,
- but, hey, I gotta
protect what's mine.
- So smart.
Mediation is like
one person ends up
with the cup,
the other person ends up
with the coffee, you know?
( laughs )
Right.
So, um, let's see
what kind of assets
we're talking about.
It's not gonna look
like a whole lot on paper,
but I got a big project
in the works.
It's an indoor
adventure experience
called FunSpace.
- Mm.
- The, uh--
the DBA is pending.
And soon
as it's rolling,
whole financial picture's
gonna change.
Well, you're
in great hands
with Gerald Watkins
Mayfield.
So, you do
mostly divorces?
Nope. Mostly wills,
trusts, estates.
- You do some divorces?
- You know what, Robert?
Basically,
it's all law.
- ( knocking on door )
- All law.
- I'm with a client.
- ( door opens )
Hey, sorry.
I'm going out.
Will you set the timer,
turn off the oven
in 35 minutes?
I'm using the timer
for a meeting, hon--
Angela.
Use your phone, then.
Right.
Thank you.
Good idea.
My associate, Angela.
Also my wife.
One of the many benefits
of working at home.
Um, do you
have a, you know--
like, a real office
somewhere else?
Robert, there's no bells
and whistles here.
I run lean and mean
so I can focus on
winning cases.
Fancy offices,
hot secretaries,
diplomas on the walls--
I don't need
that ego bullshit.
Right.
The good news
for you is
I don't charge
what those midtown
divorce lawyers charge.
They can be
750 an hour.
Holy fuck!
Who's got
that kind of green?
Well, you might
someday.
If I can protect
what you've got coming.
( sighs )
I can do this, Robert.
Are you on board?
Uh, yeah.
- Yeah, I think I am.
- Great.
- ( timer rings )
- All right, so we're at
an hour and six minutes.
Screw it,
let's call it an hour.
- How do you wanna pay up?
- What works for you?
Cash.
( music playing )
¶ I won't go livin'
in the past ¶
¶ But I believe
that love can last ¶
¶ That you'd always remain ¶
¶ After all,
we're still the same ¶
¶ Take me ¶
¶ Take me high ¶
¶ Say hello ¶
¶ Take me ¶
¶ Take me high ¶
¶ Say hello ¶
¶ Say hello ¶
- ¶ Say hello... ¶
- ( phone ringing )
- Can someone get that?
- Lila: I'm watching a movie!
Tom?
Hello?
Oh-- oh, uh, hello.
Um, I'm sorry.
I thought this was
his cell phone.
Are you--
are you calling
for Robert?
No. Is he there?
He hired a lawyer?
No! What?
( chuckles )
Uh, I must have
the wrong number.
Uh, the wrong Robert.
I'm not a lawyer.
This, uh--
this is a prank call.
What are you wearing?
( phone beeps )
See, over here,
I was thinking about
putting the FunSpace
FoodSpace.
Back here,
the ball pit,
so that's gonna be
the FunSpace BallSpace.
- What do you think
of that, George?
- I love it.
So, are you ready
to make an offer?
Because sellers
are very motivated.
A few more questions, George.
A few more questions
from my investors.
Okay, what about
the parking lot?
- I mean, how many spots
do we got out there?
- 226.
226 families,
which is
a thousand entry fees
if I go with
the entry fee structure.
- Yeah, mm-hmm.
- Right?
What about room
for tour buses?
Well, none right now,
but that's just white paint.
White paint.
I like that, George.
White paint.
See, tour buses are key
to the business model
because I see this
as a field trip destination.
You know, let me ask you
a quick question,
how high do you think
the average kid jumps
on a trampoline?
I-- that,
I'm not sure, no.
Well, because
it's gonna directly affect
the height of the ceiling.
- Right.
- But I don't wanna stop
the parents from jumping.
- No.
- I don't wanna do that
because fun has no age limit.
Son of a bitch, George.
This is all you.
- You're the one that's
motivating all of this.
- ( chuckles )
All right.
Oh, you know what?
- You know what would be fun?
Velcro suits.
- ( phone chiming )
- Like, they jump
and they stick.
- Oh, and...
- Right?
They struggle like a baby.
- Right. Yeah, man.
- It'd be funny.
- Yeah. Okay.
Hang on one second.
Yello?
You hired a lawyer?
Uh, well, I'm not
actually obligated
to, you know, give you
that information.
I already
got that information
from your lawyer.
Okay, well,
I may or may not have--
He called the house,
so now I know you have
a lawyer
and I know
he's an idiot.
Okay, let's not
make it personal.
Which makes you
an idiot, too.
You don't have
to call him an idiot.
I thought we decided
to mediate, you know,
act like adults,
make this as painless
as possible.
Frances, just trying to protect
both our interests here, okay?
And I don't we were
getting anywhere
- with the binders and,
you know, coloring books.
- ( growls ) Workbooks!
And we paid for that session
that you didn't even bother
to show up for.
Right.
So, we tried mediation.
- Let's move on.
Is that crazy?
- Robert...
when this is over
and you're wondering
when exactly it went so wrong,
remember this moment
because you did this.
You did this
the moment you hired
a lawyer, okay?
So, I was wondering
if I'm at sort of
a disadvantage
since my husband
already has a lawyer.
Gerald Watkins Mayfield?
I do not see him
as a problem.
I looked
at his website.
His main area of expertise
would appear to be clip art.
So, preliminarily,
issue one--
Excuse me, I'm sorry.
Just-- it's just
one more thing
before we get
too far along.
Um, can you--
can you just give me
a sense of how much
this is gonna cost?
Well, that depends
on your definition
of cost, right?
Because with me,
you get a partner.
We walk through this
together.
You are not stuck
with some teenage
summer associate.
Your problems
are my problems.
So, this is going to be
quite costly.
Yes.
But compared with
the assets you could lose,
it's a mere fraction.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah,
let's do this.
Preliminarily,
issue one--
I never
wanna be surprised,
so you must be
totally honest with me
about anything
that he might use
against you.
Well, I--
I cheated on him.
- I had an affair.
- Okay.
That's common.
We can get through that.
"Let he
who is without sin"--
Also, because of
the affair,
I missed some time
with my kids.
Regrettable,
but understandable.
Also, I don't need
all of this right now...
I've erased shows
that I knew Robert
wanted to watch
because
I found them annoying,
like "Ice Road Truckers."
I don't know
that program, but--
I kissed-- no, actually,
I fully made out
with this guy
at my friend Dallas's
bachelorette--
Again, just--
just put these
in an email.
- Just shoot 'em off.
- I've never faked an orgasm
with Robert.
I mean, I-- it probably
sounds impressive,
but it's not.
It's mean.
And when I didn't
have one,
because, you know,
as a woman you don't always,
I would make it clear to him
that I didn't have one
and he would
feel awful.
And then he would wanna
make it up to me
by, you know,
doing, you know.
And I would say,
"Nah, let's just
go to sleep."
I think I enjoyed
making him feel
inadequate.
Oof.
I mean, that's just
at the top, you know--
off the top
of my head.
I mean, if you
give me a few minutes,
I'm sure I can
think of more.
Just jot them all down
at home...
- Okay, okay.
- ...and bring them with you
the next time that I see you.
The more that I know,
the easier it is
for me to get you
what you deserve.
What do I deserve?
Happiness.
Oh. Oh.
Blue key
is for the front door,
pink key
is for storage.
That's it.
It's all yours.
Exciting.
It's exciting
and terrifying.
Hey, you know,
maybe you could
smash out this wall
and buy the space
next door, too.
- Sure.
- You could put
a cafe in there.
Yeah, I think
the gallery is all
I can handle right now.
Right, start
really, really small,
then expand
and make it special.
So, what was
this place before?
Last year,
it was a bridal shop
primarily for lesbians.
- Oh.
- And before that,
it was a Halloween store.
And before that,
it was used for
animal adoptions.
Oh, I-- I was not
previously aware of this.
Oh, yeah, it's one of those
super diverse locations
where just about
anything can work.
- Here's hoping!
- Anyway, congratulations.
- Good luck.
- Bye.
Good-bye.
It's so dark in here.
It was really sunny
when she showed me
the place.
I think she did that
on purpose.
- I hate her.
- Oh, come on.
You're getting to do
what you always
wanted to do--
the art stuff.
Ooh, I forgot.
I made you a list.
I had Nick's
business manager
put this together.
These are all artists
whose paintings we bought,
so they owe me one,
which means they
owe you one.
Thank you, Diane.
Wow. Wowza, yes.
These are
big-time artists, yeah.
Sort of out of my league
at this stage.
Wow, you guys
have two John Currins?
Oh, just tiny, little ones.
I could pop them
in my pocket.
Oh, Mickey Burgess, yeah.
He's having, um--
he's having
an opening at a gallery
in Scarsdale this week.
Oh, I bet they're having
an opening party, then.
( gasps )
We should go!
We should go!
- Come on.
We're totally gonna go.
- Okay, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I'll introduce you to
Mickey what's-his-name.
- As what?
"This is my friend
Frances.
It's really important
you know her
'cause she's opening
a shitty little gallery
at an ex-Halloween store."
Uh, excuse me.
Is this Progress Bridal?
Oh, no.
It's an art gallery now.
Oh.
( sighs )
- ( door closes )
- Well...
Do you think
they're real lesbians?
Well, I'm not sure
why they would
be pretending.
You got Max Brodkin?
Phoof!
- You told me to call him.
- Phoof, I know.
But can you afford
that kind of money?
What?! You told me
to call him.
And stop saying "phoof."
Yeah.
No, you're right.
No, no.
He's great and he doesn't
take just anyone.
He represented
that guy on Wall Street
whose wife said
that he forced her to
have group sex with clients.
Yeah, I remember.
That was an awful story.
No, I knew her.
She liked it.
Anyway, Brodkin
helped that guy
keep his apartment
and she ended up
in debt prison,
so lucky you.
When did you
start smoking again?
This morning
when Cole told me
that he wants to go live
with his stepfather.
Oh, no.
And he's spending
all his free time
with this 18-year-old hussy
who looks like
she's been pregnant
twice already.
( sighs )
That's really why I called.
I just need to cry.
- You need to cry?
- Yeah. You know that
I can't cry just by myself.
I need somebody
to be listening
or it just doesn't come.
'Cause that's how you got
your dad's attention, yeah.
Right, I just--
I need to, you know,
get it out of my system
and-- or I can't
get through the day, so...
( deep breath )
Hang on.
- It's coming.
- Listen, I'm sure
Cole didn't mean that.
- He doesn't--
- Shh. Please just
let me do this.
( sighs, whimpering )
( inhales )
Fuck it.
It's not happening.
- ( elevator dings )
- Okay, maybe we could
just try this again later.
- I look forward to that.
- All right. I gotta go.
- I have an appointment.
- Bye!
( sighs )
- Hello, Ellen.
- Hi, Dr. Holt.
- How was your week?
- Really not good.
Thank God you showed up.
I've been dying to get
out of the house.
Well, that's how you
got out of there
last time, huh?
Right.
Yeah, that's right.
Well, if anyone deserves
a thick, juicy steak,
it's you.
Yeah, I can't have
a steak.
I just had
a massive heart attack,
but I'm thrilled
with the salad bar.
Just saying it's 4.95
to add a steak.
Yeah, I can't have a steak.
I just had a massive
heart attack.
You know what?
Not the best
cut of meat I've ever had
for under five dollars,
but not the worst
either.
- Thank you. Thanks.
- You're welcome.
So, Nick,
your children are old
and estranged from you now.
And maybe you don't see
the necessity--
Is-- is this
about your FunZone?
- FunSpace, yeah.
- You already pitched this
to me.
I started to pitch it to you
and Diane cut me off.
But I could see
that you were interested.
And the space is not
gonna be available
very much longer,
so I was wondering
maybe you're ready
to pull the trigger.
You know,
manner of speaking.
You took me to dinner
to ask me for money?
To make you money,
my man.
Make you money.
All right, here we go.
- All right.
- Put the buds in.
You ready? Okay.
- ( muffled music playing )
- Is it playing?
- What?
- Is it playing?
Yeah.
Is this
"Hang on Loosely"?
It's "Hold on Loosely."
It's by--
it doesn't matter.
Is it-- oh.
Here we go.
Hey, Nick, oil prices
may rise and fall.
The real estate market
may go in the shitter.
No matter how bad
the economy gets, Nick,
children always
wanna jump on trampolines.
I can't hear
what you're saying
and listen to the music.
Oh, maybe just
take the buds out
and hold them
next to your ears.
- Robert.
- ( laptop closes )
The smartest thing
a man can do
is understand
his limitations.
Like, look at the way
you went at that salad bar.
You couldn't possibly
have eaten all of that.
That's because
I'm hungry, Nick,
which is good
in business.
You've made
one great investment
in your life.
Made hundreds
of great investments
for my clients
when I was on Wall Street.
Jesus Christ,
I'm talking about Frances.
You need to focus on her,
not on this,
because she is
the important shit.
( sighs )
Nick, is everything
okay at home?
Is Diane threatening
to kill you again?
Everything is great
at home.
The incident,
as awful as it was,
actually saved
my marriage.
Your marriage
could be savable, too.
Savable? She fucked
a French guy 69 times.
Look.
As lousy
as the marriage is,
the divorce is gonna be
much, much worse.
You are gonna
get cock-fucked
on this, Robert.
I am worried about you.
She's hired
a really good lawyer.
- Who has?
- Margaret Thatcher.
Who the fuck
are we talking about?
Your wife, Frances.
Frances?
She hired a lawyer?
When?
I don't know when,
but she hired Max Brodkin
and he's really good.
He's really,
really good.
- Who's your guy?
- Gerald Watkins Mayfield.
Yeah, see, I--
I don't know them.
He's a local guy.
Does mostly wills and trusts,
you know, that sort of thing.
- But it's all law, right?
- It's all law?
- Y-yeah.
- It's all law?!
( music playing )
It's actually quite cathartic
to list all the shitty things
you've ever done.
Mm, I'd need
several notebooks
to list everything bad
I've done to my poor baby,
Nick.
Wow.
You tell Max Brodkin
about Allen's funeral?
What did I do
at Allen's funeral?
You took
some of the flowers.
You said you didn't know
what to do with all the flowers.
I meant, "Help me
bring them home,"
not, "Put my dead
husband's flowers on
your fucking coffee table."
- Uh... ( scoffs )
- Diane: Yeah, that was weird.
You've also been
somewhat unkind about Nick.
- Did I shoot him?
- You're doing it again.
- Yes, yes.
- Yes, thank you.
No, thank you.
I can't.
I'm not having-- I'm not--
I'm not drinking any alcohol.
Of course I would like to,
but I'm not going to,
but thank you.
What is that, champagne?
Looks good. No, thank you.
So, are you--
are you not drinking?
No, I haven't had a drop
since the night of
Nick's accident.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
- You're Diane,
Nick Clavowen's wife, right?
- Yes.
- I'm Mickey Burgess.
This is my show.
- Oh!
Mickey:
So glad you're here.
You and your husband
bought
Kelly Vang's
"Tashkent Exteriors"
last year, didn't you?
Hmm, was that a painting
or a sculpture?
- It was a series
of 40 paintings.
- Oh, yes!
Um, well, honestly,
I think only one of them
made it into the house.
- ( chuckles )
- I would like you
to meet my friend Frances
of the Frances DuFresne
Gallery in Hastings.
- Hello. Hi.
- Carson Hodges.
Oh, wow. Yeah, no, I--
I actually know your work.
- Actually?
- No, I mean I'm a--
I'm a massive fan.
- Hmm.
- I loved your "Gross
National Product" series.
I never thought I would
have this opportunity,
but did I--
is it possible I detected
a little bit of commentary
on Koons's calculated
commercialism going on there?
- A little bit
of what on what?
- He knows.
Koons's hollow populism
is a fraudulent vulgarity.
Oh, okay.
Well, we'll agree
to disagree.
But congratulations
nonetheless.
Diane, why don't
we let them have
their discussion
about themes and--
and all that, okay?
Did you see...
You know, when I,
uh, started the "GNP,"
I thought I was doing
a vicious parody of Koons,
but when I finished it,
I realized,
"Shit, all I did
was replicate him."
I'm sorry it wasn't
more well-received.
But, you know,
give them a few years,
they'll catch up.
Thanks. I look forward
to being mildly appreciated
after my death.
Who doesn't?
Fuck it.
Let's get a drink.
Talk about all the other
fraudulent vulgarities
out there.
- You've got a list?
- Who doesn't?
We completely lost
the element of surprise,
Gerry,
because you fucking
called the house.
Yes, I-- I agree.
That was my bad.
But can we keep it down
a little bit out here
because my wife is--
Yeah, I know.
Your wife's asleep.
That's why we're
in the car, dipshit.
She made these for us,
so-- they're for everyone.
Shit, now Frances
will start looking
for a lawyer.
She already has one.
Max Brod-something.
- Max Brodkin?!
- Yeah, you know him?
I wish. I mean,
I know of him.
- He's a legend.
- So, am I fucked?
No! The question is
am I up to it?
- No, because you're
not a divorce lawyer.
- Why are you down on him?
- You told me to hire him!
- I didn't know he was gonna
call the house.
Guys, it's fine.
It's all law.
- It's not all law, Gerry.
- Robert, listen.
This is an amazing
opportunity for me.
I could learn a lot
from that guy.
I would lower my rate
just to be in court with him.
- That's something to consider.
- What are you guys,
the dipshit twins?!
This isn't
a teaching hospital.
This is my life, man.
- I need a real goddamn lawyer.
- Can you afford one?
No, I can't, dumbass,
because I have a shitty
accountant.
You know what?
Nick's right.
I gotta step
my game up into high gear
starting right now.
Gerry, you are
officially fired.
Don, I'm gonna
keep you on.
Bullshit!
You're fucking fired, too!
- ( scoffs )
- Gerry, get out of the car.
And, Don, you drive me
back to mine.
- Move it, Gerry.
- ( engine starts )
- Thank you.
- So, tell me about
the Frances DuFresne Gallery.
First of all,
it's not even open yet.
- Why Hastings?
- Because I live there.
- Ah.
- And because
every time I walk past
an "art gallery"
in Hastings,
I, um--
I wanna kill myself.
It's all batiks
and carved giraffes
and pottery.
- Glorified gift shop.
- Exactly!
And I think just because
you don't live in Manhattan
or, you know,
Paris or London
doesn't mean that
you don't deserve to look
at something beautiful
and provocative
and challenging.
- Does a clientele exist?
- Uh, I guess I'll find out
soon enough.
Well, if things
are a little slow
the first few months,
don't panic
and add, you know, a fucking
coffee bar or something.
No way.
I'd sooner burn it
to the ground.
Well done, Carson.
Once again,
you've snatched the strongbox
out from under me.
I'm in the middle
of a conversation here,
Gustav.
Unfortunately, dear Carson,
I've been circulating the room.
Word is she doesn't
have the money
that her friend Diane
of "Diane and Nick" have.
- You're a drunk.
- I'm a drunk who had
pieces in the Whitney.
You had one piece
in the Whitney
because Al Emery heard
you had bladder cancer.
How many pieces
have you had in there
since you went into remission?
- That's incredibly unkind.
- But accurate.
Perhaps I have had
too much to drink.
- Do help me out.
- Oh!
You desperate pig!
I'll kill you!
- Hey! I'm-- I'm okay!
- ( people gasping )
- ( glass shatters )
- Guys!
Please, guys.
Guys-- oh, my God!
- ( grunting )
- Is somebody gonna...?
Dupa! Dupa!
- Let's go.
- ( Carson grunts ) Ow!
- Robert: Thanks for
meeting me this late.
- Man: No problem.
The real reason
I didn't go through
with mediation
is because I was
too embarrassed.
It's a real low point
in my career.
Horribly in debt.
I'm living
in a working job site.
This is a terrible time
to go through a divorce.
Are you kidding me?
This is the perfect time.
Look, that lying,
cheating, cock-sucking cunt
of a soon-to-be-ex,
she could pay you
alimony.
You know, maybe
in terms of language
you could maybe
notch it down a bit.
Mother of my children.
Look, the door's
right there, you know,
if you're gonna puss out
before we've even begun.
No?
I didn't think so.
Let's get
this party started.
That was fun.
I'm glad we did that.
It was awful.
That guy only wanted
to talk to me
because he thought
I had money.
So what?
The only guy
that wanted to talk to me
thought I was the manager
of the venue
and that I could
get him a good deal
on his daughter's wedding.
- How did that happen?
- I don't know.
But I just went with it.
We're having lunch
on Thursday.
Those artist types
are so exotic.
AKA assholes.
- Not all assholes.
- Right.
- Just the ones at that party.
- ( phone chiming )
Oh, um, sir,
it's just--
it's the last house
on the right there.
- Hello?
- Hello, Frances.
- Who's this?
- This is Robert's new lawyer.
I wanted to call
and introduce myself.
( whispering )
Robert got a new lawyer.
Put him
on speaker phone.
- Shh.
- I'm Tony Silvercreek.
- ( gasps )
- Oh, yeah.
No, it's bad.
Look, I'm gonna wanna
take a deposition
from you soon,
but not tomorrow.
I know you're probably
gonna want to sleep in
after yet another late night
out with your friends,
involving alcohol.
Sleep tight, sugar.
( exhales )
He sounds like
a dirty birdy.
How did--
how does he know
what I'm doing?
- And why is he calling
at 11:30 at night?
- That's what he does.
Tony Silvercreek is one
of the most ruthless,
disgusting, go-for-blood
lawyers in divorce.
Well, why aren't
I with him, then?
Because he hates women.
He won't even
represent a woman.
Oh, well, that--
that is terrific.
Okay.
Wait, Frances.
I'm about to save
the night for you.
- I don't think that's possible.
- I'm gonna take the dog back.
What?
- Nick misses the dog.
- Nick misses the dog?
- Bless him.
- No! My kids love that dog.
And with everything
they're going through,
you wanna take that
away from them, too?
Get Nick a new dog.
Come on!
He couldn't
pick that dog out
in a lineup.
Just let me keep
the fucking dog.
( music playing )
¶ I believe
if I was all alone ¶
¶ I would be better off
in a world my own ¶
¶ I'd forget
I ever knew of you ¶
- ¶ And this dream every night
that you put me through... ¶
- ( grunts )
¶ We walk along
a Hollywood sea ¶
¶ And you dance
once again with me ¶
¶ We are close ¶
¶ We are friends ¶
¶ And our love
never ends ¶
¶ But in the cold
morning light ¶
¶ I see ¶
¶ That you won't be back ¶
¶ For me ¶
¶ There can be no peace ¶
¶ I'm condemned,
it seems ¶
¶ To a life of restlessness
and hopeless dreams ¶
¶ Hopeless dreams,
hopeless dreams ¶
¶ We are close ¶
¶ We are friends ¶
¶ And our love
never ends ¶
¶ But in the cold
morning light ¶
¶ I see ¶
¶ That you won't
be back ¶
¶ For me. ¶