Divorce (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Christmas - full transcript

( music playing )

- Go!
- ( squeals )

I didn't even know
you could get 170
on a history test.

- That's amazing.
- ( chuckles )

What is going on
with that wreath?

Where'd you guys get that,
at a gas station?

They were selling wreaths
and Christmas trees
at the Target.

Well, let me
tell you something, man.
That is a substandard wreath.

I'm making my own.
I've already picked out
the holly stocks.

I'm drying
the orange slices.

Telling you right now,
it's gonna be



like a botanical
centrifuge.

- Gonna be awesome.
All right, throw me one.
- ( door opens )

- Thank you.
- Love you, Dad!

- Love you.
See you, buddy.
- Bye, Dad!

Good times were had
by all parties.

Hey, Robert,
can you come in
for a minute?

In? "In the house" in?

- Yeah.
- Sure, I'll come in.

Okay, look.

So-- all right,
so I'm gonna have the kids
back home by the 28th.

And then
if this works for you,

you have them all the way
through New Year's--

Wait, wait.
What about Christmas?

Well, I'm driving
the kids to my parents.



- But it's Christmas.
- Yes, it is.

Well, everybody's supposed
to be together at Christmas.

I mean, that's
what Christmas
is all about.

It's not about
working out our schedules.

It's about the kids
and your folks

and maybe a little bit about
jolly Saint Nick over here.

Oh, come on, Robert.
You went fishing last year
for Christmas.

The worst mistake I've made
in quite a long time.

It-- it's
a bittersweet memory

catching that
record-breaking coho.

Look, whenever
all of this started,

you and I agreed
that we would both
try to keep it

as normal as possible
for the kids.

- That is not a normal plan.
- It's better this way.
It really is.

And I already told the kids
that you are going on
your fishing trip.

Well, just "untell" them.
How difficult is that?

And also...

I haven't told
my parents yet.

You've gotta be
shitting me.

- I haven't had time!
- Jesus, Frances!

Oh, I called my parents
an hour after you told me

that you were jacking off
that French guy.

Oh, God, I beg you,

stop saying that.

He's not a Frenchman.

And if you must know,

- there was
very little in the way--
- That's great news.

Listen, can we just
put our differences

on the backburner
for a few days

and enjoy Christmas
the way we always have?

If not for our sake,
for the kids.

Is this
some sort of trick?

Is this your buddy
Silvercreek

trying to, uh, attack
from inside enemy lines?

No. I mean,
he is my buddy.

But no.

Hey, come on.

Would I fuck around
with Christmas?

Ah, there's
a Volkswagen. Look.

Pun-- hey, Punch Buggy.
Hey, guys.

The captain declares
Punch Buggy.

No?

I used to thump
the shit out of my sister
playing Punch Buggy.

Listen, we need
to figure out

how we're gonna deal with
my parents not knowing yet,

especially
in relation to...

- ...those guys.
- Right, okay.

I think
I got this handled.
I got this one.

- I got it.
- Okay.

Hey. Hey, guys.

Headphones off.
Headphones off.

Listen up.

Your mother has
something she wants
to talk to you about.

Uh, look.

We haven't told
Grandma and Grandpa
about the situation...

you know, between me
and your father.

But we're not gonna lie,
because that's not,
you know--

that's not the right way
to handle difficult
situations.

Yes, nobody lies
in this family.

The point is
I do wanna be
sensitive about this

because you know
how Grandma and Grandpa are.

- They're...
- Old.

Older.

- And older people are--
- On shitloads of medication.

What are we
talking about?

Just don't say anything
till I say something, okay?

- Yeah, sure.
- Can I go back
to watching "John Wick"?

Sure.

Mind if I ask
how come you haven't spoken
to your parents about this?

Because I wanna do it in person.
I wanna tell them face-to-face.

And I will do it
on this trip.

- Right.
- Just let me
handle it, okay?

Yep.

Woman:
So, I just said,
"Let's agree to disagree."

But that's enough
about me.

Tell me what's going on
in the DuFresne family.

( music playing )

Oh, you know,

it's-- it's just
all the usual stuff.

Oh, she's out.
I should put her to bed.

And I'm not
far behind myself.

Come on.
You, too.

Good night, kids.
I love you.

- Good night, dear.
- Night, Dad.

Lila:
Good night.

- Ah, always good
to see you, Donald.
- Likewise, Robert.

Can I interest you
in a spot of medicine?

Absolutely.
Just what the doctor
ordered, Don King.

I always hate
to see a man cancel
a fishing trip,

but it's great
to have you here
this Christmas.

- We missed you last year.
- Thank you.

Here's to families
together at the holidays.

And far apart
the rest of the year.

Bridget:
I swear...

( knocking on door )

You decent?

You knocked
and opened the door
a second later.

What could I possibly do
in that time if I wasn't?

A coy face
and boob cover.

- You're not funny.
- Your dad would disagree.

He thinks
I'm an effing card.

Well, the hardest
I've ever seen him laugh

is at the Budweiser
frog, so...

( grunts )

Mm, no.
No, not happening.

What? Where am I
gonna sleep?

- You can sleep on the floor.
- Fuck that.

I have a bad back
and you know it.

Plus, we've slept
next to each other
10,000 times

without having sex.

We can live
with two more nights.

Okay, fine.

Keep your
underpants on.

( scoffs )
Keep your underpants on.

So, how'd your parents
take the divorce news?

You know
I didn't tell them yet
and you know I will,

so let's just
leave it at that.

It's still kind of freaky
that this is the room
you grew up in.

Mm.

I spent so many years
laying in this bed...

staring
at the ceiling,

wondering what
my grown-up life
would be.

And here I am.

I wouldn't
trade any of it
for the world.

I totally agree.

This is going to be
a wonderful Christmas.

Like something
out of Dickens.

Do you remember
when Lila said that thing
about Hanukkah?

Oh, that she--
( chuckles )

she wanted
to be Jewish

so she could
celebrate "Jew Christmas"
for eight nights in a row.

Oh, God,
that was awful.

It is kind of funny,
though, "Jew Christmas."

They're great kids.

Yeah.

At least we did
two things right.

Well,
I'm gonna hit it.

I just wanna say that
I've always tried to do
the best for our family.

But no matter
how hard you try...

mistakes get made.

What are you
talking about?

Just that
mistakes get made.

Sweet dreams.

You, too.

- ( bell tolling )
- ( chatter )

And now,
look not on our sins,

but on the faith
of your church

and grant us the peace
and unity of your kingdom

where you live
forever and ever.

- Amen.
- All: Amen.

The peace of the Lord
be with you always.

- All: And peace be with you.
- And with you.

Let us offer each other
the sign of peace.

I don't like
touching everybody.

- No, no,
this is the best part.
- Peace be with you.

- Peace be with you, Grandma.
- Peace be with you,
my grandson.

- Pleased to meet you.
- Pleased to meet you.

- Pleased to meet you.
- Man: Peace be with you.

- Peace be with you.
- Pleased to meet all of you.

- Aw!
- Merry Christmas.

- Pleased to meet you.
- Peace be with you.

- Pleased to meet you.
Nice to see you.
- Man #2: And you.

Pastor:
And now let us sing

"Come Thou
Long Expected Jesus,"

on page 15
of our hymnal.

( organ playing )

¶ Come thou ¶

- ¶ Long expected Jesus ¶
- Robert: ¶ Expected Jesus ¶

¶ Born to set
thy people free... ¶

( music playing )

- Thank you for coming, Carolyn.
- Thank you for having us.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Here's to,
uh, family.

Uh, um...

( stammering )
To family-- to all
the families.

The house
looks nice, Dad.

Thank you.
We just redid the foyer.

- It's very spacious.
- Mm-hmm.

I guess
this is the "second
wife-sized" house.

- Carolyn.
- It was a joke, Nick.

Carolyn, who was
the contractor

that you and Nick used
on your old place?

I don't recall.
Why?

Oh, just because
we're thinking
about adding

an indoor swimming pool
to the side of the house

- for Nick's recuperation.
- News to me.

- Or a big sunroom
off the back.
- Why not both?

- Good idea.
- Stop it.

Just burn through
the kids' inheritance
in one fell swoop.

- Mom!
- Easy.

You know what?
Why don't we just
jump straight to dessert

and call it
a fucking night, huh?

( music playing )

You better pace yourself.
The party hasn't started.

Why don't you
pace yourself?

What does that
even mean?

Sometimes a cigar
is just a cigar, Frances.

Ugh, you're
already drunk.

Well, who could
blame me?

- The tension
is killing me.
- What tension?

I happen to--
I happen to fucking
love your parents, okay?

And you're forcing me
to live this lie.

Who wants to try
my homemade hummus?

I would love to.

Mm. Muy delicioso.

You're forcing me
to live this lie

because you won't
tell them the truth
about our situation.

It's Christmas Eve,
Robert.

Do you really think
that now is the right time?

I knew it.
Just trying to
run out the clock.

I don't know
what that means.

It means that I know
you're not gonna tell them.

Ever. At all.
Classic Frances.

Well, you're wrong.
So, you know, classic Robert.

I'll tell them.

And it's,
"Peace be with you,"

not, "Pleased
to meet you."

- Really?
- Frances: Hi, Daddy.

- Donald: Hi, honey.
- That makes sense.

Another shot
of medicine there,
Doctor?

You're a mind reader,
Robert.

( chatter )

Aw, thank you!

You know, you gotta
spend money to make money.

That's, uh-- to me,
that's rule number one
in business.

Rule number two--
repeat rule number one
until you get rich.

- Right?
- Woman: Frances!

How are things?

Um, it's, uh, same old,
same old, you know?

We're--
we're doing great.

Man on TV:
Well, if having babies
makes you look like this,

we better keep on
having them.

- How do you like it?
- Woman on TV: Oh, Roger,
I adore it.

Not to be
a-- a stick in the mud,

but, uh, I certainly hope
there's no funny business

- going on
under that blanket.
- Mom!

Roger: We now belong
to that class of society
known as the filthy rich.

Julie:
Roger, the inheritance!

( zipper zips )

Oh, yeah,
it's same old, same old,

but we're doing great.

Robert's business,
Tom's computer.

- Lila got a ribbon--
I'm sorry Odelle.
- ( glass clinking )

I just have
to talk to my...

Robert:
I'd like to say a few words
to everyone here.

- ( music and chatter stop )
- Please. Hear ye, hear ye!

- Everyone,
let's raise a glass.
- What are you doing?

Some people say
that Christmas has become
too commercialized.

That it's become
nothing more than
an opportunity

to celebrate
the almighty dollar.

Well, a great man
once said,

"Greed is good."

Now, I don't happen
to agree with that man.

Also, an overrated film,
just saying.

( all chuckling )

Honesty is good.
That's what is good.

Hear, hear.
Let's grab dessert.

All:
Hear, hear!

The Bible says
that truthful lips
shall endure forever,

a lying tongue
is but for a moment.

Ah, yes.
Beautifully put.

What is the point
of living in a truthful world

if you are not
truthful with yourself
and with others?

- ( glass clinking )
- Okay, thank you, Robert.
Thank you, thank you.

Yes.

Honesty is indeed
important.

- What profiteth--
- No, Robert. Robert,
I got this.

I got this.
Thank you.

Uh, I think what Robert
is trying to tell you all

um, is that
I haven't been
entirely honest

with you tonight.

Uh, it's not
the same old, same old
with us right now.

Robert and I
are getting divorced.

- ( muttering )
- But it's-- it's okay.

It really is.

Everyone is okay.

And we're all here

and we're all
still a family.

That's not where
I was heading at all.

What?

No, I was gonna sing
that pah-rumpa bum-bum song.

You-- you were?

But, you know,
it's out there now,
so I guess that's good.

Let's just say
Merry Christmas.

Also, uh, we--
there's Bundt cake.

We have Bundt cake
coming out in, like,
less than a minute.

So, a show of hands

for everybody
who wants some warm,
home-cooked Bundt cake.

- Oh, come on.
- ( sighs )

That redheaded kid.

No one else? No?

- ( chatter )
- ( engine starts )

That Monica
is such a piece of work.

She keeps sewing
those pillows.

Nobody ever buys them,
but she keeps sewing them.

She's something else.

So, are you going
to say anything

about what I said
earlier?

Oh, Frances,
I'm sure that
you and Robert

are gonna be able to work out
whatever little bump in the road
you're going through.

Mom, it's not
a bump in the road.
We're getting a divorce.

I just came in for water.
I'll get it in the john.

No, no.
Dad, Dad, please.

Stay, please.

( sighs )

I'm sorry.
I know this is a mess.

It's embarrassing.
I'm embarrassed.

And I'm sorry
you were blindsided,

but can we please
not pretend

that nothing's
happening here?

Hey, I--
I don't mean
to intrude,

but I thought maybe
there's a conversation
going on in here

that I needed
to be a part of.

- I can handle this.
- It concerns him, Frances.

Stay here, Robert.

Thanks.

So, what happened?

Well, things hadn't been
going well for a long time.

Not quite
how I would
put it, but--

Frances has
the floor now, Robert.
Let her speak.

Well, I guess--

okay, I'd been feeling
for quite a while

that things were not
going well between us.

And I didn't
say anything, I think,

hoping that
he would notice.

And the fact
that he didn't

just allowed everything
to get worse.

And then...

certain indiscretions
took place...

which unfortunately

can't be undone.

Some mistakes
were made

that I really wish
hadn't been made.

And it's not, uh...

( sighs )
easy for me
to say this...

- but--
- I betrayed our vows.

I, uh,
had a brief affair

and it meant nothing.

But it happened
and, uh,

I wish I could go back
and make it right,

but I-- I can't.

I'm sorry I...

I'm sorry I hurt
your daughter.

Well...

I hope you two
are working together

to find a fair
and equitable way

to move forward.

We are.
Thank you, Donald.

Yeah, that's what--
that's what we're doing.

Good.

As of two minutes ago,
it is now Christmas.

We should all
go to bed.

Night.

( door opens )

( sighs )
Shit.

You didn't
have to do that.

I know.

So, why did you?

Merry Christmas.

- Oh, wow!
- Ah, just what I wanted!

Candy!

There we go.

It's heavy.

Over here, Donald.

- Yes!
- ( thudding )

¶ Santa
got me a microphone
for Christmas. ¶

- Microphone, microphone.
- ( feedback squeals )

Microphone,

microphone,

- microphooone.
- ( feedback squeals )

What's the range
on this thing?

Says here
it's a mile.

It's probably BS.

Well, looks like
we need four AA batteries.

In the kitchen,
there's a drawer
by the sink.

- That's where you'll
find the batteries.
- Gotcha.

Takes a big man
to come clean.

Thank you, sir.

Takes a bigger man
to keep his pecker
in his pants.

Yes, I know that now.

This is my daughter
we're talking about, Robert.

You're gonna do right
by her, correct?

I am.

Absolutely, sir.

( exhales )

Good.

Would you give me
those pliers, please?

Thank you.

- Come on. Give me a turn.
- Have you tried to forgive him?

Or perhaps
another question
might be,

"Are you going to
be okay, Frances?"

Oh, honey,
all I've ever wanted
was for you to be okay.

But I shouldn't
always have to ask
to hear it said out loud.

Mom, check it out!
This is the coolest thing!

- Wow!
- ( chuckles )

Just wanna make sure
that you've considered
all of your options.

I know it doesn't
seem like it right now,

but maybe forgiving him
and moving past this thing

is gonna make you happier
in the long run.

What happened is
much more complicated
than it sounds.

Even so, from the way
he was talking last night,

I don't think
he will ever do it again.

Cheating isn't
what caused all of this.

I think people
have affairs...

because
they are unhappy.

Sometimes I think
people have affairs
because it's fun.

Then they
get tired of it

and hope nobody
ever finds out.

Doesn't always mean
it's a bad marriage.

What are you
talking about?

Let's just say that
we all of us have things
in all of our lives

that we hope
our husbands and wives
never find out about.

- Wait, are you trying--
- I'm gonna go check
on my turkey.

( door opens, closes )

Oh, my God.

More gravy, Mummy?

That'd be nice.
Thank you.

So, the showing
went really well.

There were over
six bloggers there
covering it.

That's impressive?

- Yeah.
- Nice lamb.

( knocking on door )

Excuse me.

- Julian Renaut?
- Yeah.

Are you familiar
with a woman named
Doreen Cooper?

Yeah.
I mean, no.

- Who-- who's asking?
- Her husband says hello.

( grunts )

( groans, coughs )

( groans )

Eat.
Eat, guys, eat.

Bridget: Here, I made
some sandwiches
for the road.

And thank you
for the candy bars.

Oh, you're welcome, Donald.
Plenty more where those
came from.

- Thank you so much, Bridget.
- Oh, it's Mom!

And I promise next year
the turkey won't be so dry.

Well, you know,
uh, next Christmas

I probably won't--

could be looking
at a different setup.

Why? A year is
an awfully long time.

Anything could happen
between then and now.

That's true.

Okay.
Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

- Bye, kids!
- Bye, Mom and Dad!

- Thank you for having us.
- Call when you get home.

- It doesn't matter what time.
- We will. Bye!

- Bridget: Merry Christmas!
- Robert: Okay.

There they go.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- What?

I need to tell them
the truth.

No, you don't.
Let it go.

- They need to know.
- No, they don't.

- Robert. Please, come on.
Robert, Robert!
- Nope!

- ( horn honks )
- They've had quite enough
for today, okay?

Just let them be.

What's going on?

What do you mean?

You. Are you trying
to win some kind of medal?

Because I didn't ask you
to do any of this.

Listen, Frances.

I fell on a grenade
for you, okay?

And it's pretty much
the last time that's
gonna happen

since it's what
married people do
for one another.

But beyond that,
maybe the truth

isn't something
that I'm dying to
be associated with.

You ever think
about that?

Doesn't exactly
make me feel great

to have everyone know
the reason that we're
getting divorced

is because
you fornicated

with a French douchebag
22 times.

- H-hey, Dad?
- Yeah, buddy?

My headphones
are on,

but they're not--
they're not plugged
into anything yet.

Just FYI.

( music playing )

¶ Hey ¶

¶ Do you want me
to cancel? ¶

¶ Is Christmas
too much to handle ¶

¶ When that world
has passed you by? ¶

¶ If you want to,
I'll show you ¶

¶ There's far more to it
than your lonely
Christmas life ¶

¶ Why should Christmas
be so hard? ¶

¶ There's always
the mistletoe in the dark ¶

¶ Why should Christmas
make you cry? ¶

¶ Look at the snow
that hangs in the sky ¶

¶ Loving the way
that it glistens
all over your eyes ¶

¶ I hear the carols
and the sleigh bells ring ¶

¶ You try to fight it
'cause it's not your thing ¶

¶ Let's drink some whiskey
and we'll do it our own way ¶

¶ I hear the carols
and the sleigh bells ring ¶

¶ You try to fight it
'cause it's not your thing ¶

- ¶ Let's drink some whiskey...
- ¶ Why should Christmas
be so hard? ¶