Divorce (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Episode #1.4 - full transcript
♪ Skating away ♪
♪ Skating away ♪
♪ Skating away ♪
♪ On the thin ice of a new day ♪
♪ Ay ♪
♪ And as you cross the circle-line ♪
♪ Well, the ice wall creaks behind ♪
♪ You're a rabbit on the run ♪
♪ And the silver splinters fly... ♪
And the fact that you've chosen mediation
is a very positive sign in and of itself.
- I like you.
- In that you two have already agreed to agree...
to divide assets fairly
- and share responsibilities equally.
- Exactly.
Without a bunch of
lawyers stirring up trouble
and burning through all your money...
- Assholes.
- ...and getting bogged down in who did what to who, when...
However, there might be some value
in knowing who did what and when,
uh, just so you get a sense
of the dynamic in play.
I'm good.
These are your mediation starter kits.
- Thank you.
- They contain an overview
and calendar and session
agendas, et cetera.
- It's a nice binder.
- (phone chiming)
- Sorry, sorry. I'm sorry.
- Envelope gussets.
Where... where'd you get these?
Yeah, these are the good ones.
Top drawer.
Sometimes I... I think
that when you sign up for
these "do not call" lists,
that's how they get your number.
(chuckles)
- Mm.
- I'm sorry. Anyway, we can... we can go on.
And most importantly, your
homework... financial disclosure forms.
We start with a comprehensive
accounting of your assets...
jointly and separately...
so that we can see just how...
How much this is gonna cost me.
Oh. Or, rather,
how to best share it all.
Hmm? So let's get these done
and we'll reconvene,
what, next Friday, right?
- Yeah?
- That's right.
Great. Well, it's been
a great first session.
- Thank you.
- So, tell me.
How are the kids taking the news?
You have told the kids, haven't you?
Uh, oh,
not every single detail.
No, actually, we haven't
told them anything yet.
But they're aware that Robert moved out?
Uh, yeah, no, we're good there.
We told them that I had to move
into one of my investment properties.
To guard it from potential vandals.
One of us thought it
was a good explanation.
Because if word gets out that a
residential property is unoccupied...
- Robert.
- ...it can quickly become
a public toilet for the disenfranchised.
I don't know why it is,
- but they primarily...
- Please don't say this.
- ...leave twosies behind.
- Okay.
Tell your children you're
getting divorced, got it?
- Good. Good.
- Absolutely.
It's like the first day of divorce school.
- I wanna be a good student.
- Robert, Robert, let's go.
- Okay.
- Let's go.
Okay, let's say that's
five solid candidates
because even they know Jim
Carlson is our, you know,
"here's the wrong way to go" submission.
So we do owe them at
least three more good ones.
- All right?
- All: Yeah.
Okay, thanks.
Brian? Brian?
- Uh, yeah?
- Can you stick around for a minute, please?
Sure.
- (chatter)
- (phone rings)
Uh, what's up?
Can you help me with something?
I need to get my entire
financial history with the firm
for some paperwork.
- Um, what for?
- For some paperwork, Brian.
I do direct deposit, so I
don't really have pay stubs,
but I was figuring there must be
some sort of comprehensive file somewhere.
Uh, yeah, payroll would have that.
- Yeah, and you work in payroll.
- No, I work with payroll.
- I don't work in payroll.
- Can you just get it for me?
Payroll's gonna ask what you need it for.
It... it's personal.
Okay, but payroll's still gonna...
Because I'm getting divorced, okay, Brian?
Okay? Are you happy?
Is that information which I would
obviously rather not tell payroll?
Is that sufficient for you?
I'm sorry. I didn't know. I...
N-n-no, I'm
sorry. I'm sorry.
I... I'm so sorry. I...
(sighs)
I shouldn't have snapped at you.
I haven't told anyone at work
because I'm a private person.
Yeah, of course. You know,
let me see what I can do...
You know, we're in
mediation, which is why I need
to pull all this financial stuff together.
I know this might sound crazy,
but I just really want
to do a good job with my divorce.
Right. Well, I'll just, you know...
- We haven't even told the kids yet.
- Oh, dear.
Hi! Uh, you guys about done?
We reserved the room for a birthday party.
Yeah, can you... can we
just please have a minute?
Yep. No problem. Okay.
- (door closes)
- Look, I don't know you well,
but, um, you seem like a nice person.
- Overall.
- Really? Really?
Would an overall nice
person cheat on her husband?
I'm a cheater, Brian.
I'm a big, old adulterer.
And now he won't stop calling me.
Who, your husband or the man?
The truth is Robert and
I haven't kissed in ages.
I mean, not with any
real passion, you know?
Not with, you know, tongues.
- (door opens)
- Sorry. Um...
Can you wait a goddamn minute?
They made me. I'm sorry.
He grew this giant mustache
because he knows I hate them.
- (door closes)
- It's like one of those...
you know, one of those old-time...
you know, ye olde bristly shoe
brushes, but musty and damp.
It's...
It's... it's constantly damp.
I have no idea why.
- All: Happy birthday!
- (scoffs)
Crying at work is so not me.
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry, but you're
a good listener, Brian.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Uh, and it's Ryan, not Brian.
I've been saying Ryan, haven't I?
No. Funnily enough,
my mother actually thought
of naming me Brian...
You know, we should probably
let them have this room.
(chatter)
- Happy birthday.
- Uh, thanks.
I can't track these numbers.
The way you have this laid out,
it's like I'm hemorrhaging money.
Yeah, that's correct.
Well, what the fuck, Don?
This doesn't make any sense.
You bought way too many houses, Robert.
I mean, you spent way
too much fixing them up,
and now nobody's buying them.
So, you know, simple math.
Yeah, but this looks
like I'm worth nothing.
Actually, you're worth less than nothing
when you figure in the debt and the loan,
the taxes... stuff like that.
Shit. Why didn't you warn me?
You don't return my calls.
You pay me hourly to save money.
That's called being practical.
I'm a businessman, dickhead.
Yeah, well, I'm the
cheapest accountant in town.
I'm working out of my fucking
car, for Christ's sake.
- (slams car) Fuck.
- Hey!
You okay, Robert?
Rob?
Some free advice...
stop spending money like
you actually have money.
'Cause you don't.
Frances: And then when
we get to the... you know,
the actual divorce part of it,
we should ease into it,
but we should also be
very clear with the facts.
- Whatever you say.
- I mean, it shouldn't feel like a bomb going off,
but I also don't want them confused either.
It's funny if you think about it,
all you'd have to do is punch the
accelerator into oncoming traffic
and we wouldn't have to
deal with any of this shit.
Robert, do not make me do
this by myself, you hear me?
I am happy to start the conversation,
but then you join in so they know
that we're all in this together.
Please be strong.
For the kids.
How come we've never been here before?
I do not know. It's good, though, right?
- Hey, how about we each get an ice cream sundae?
- Yes!
Wait, what?
Four ice cream sundaes?
They're, like, $12 each.
I thought it would be nice
for the kids to have one
while we're talking.
Ah, I have a really great idea.
Why don't we make them
at home? It'll be fun.
We'll just get some cream
out of the refrigerator,
whip it up, put it in the
freezer, it becomes ice cream.
Throw in some chocolate chips.
The same thing, but it's, like, 50 cents.
- Okay, guys, your dad and I...
- Which means they'd be 12 cents each.
Your dad and I
have something that we
want to talk to you about.
- What?
- Well, here's what it is.
- Your dad...
- Jesus.
It's got my pasta and my
salad on here separately.
I thought that was part of the Meal Deal.
So anyway, we love you both
very much is what I was saying.
And that's for sure.
And...
Robert.
Robert, do you... do you maybe...
Robert, do you maybe wanna...
wanna join in the discussion?
Ugh, Meal Deal is a lunch thing.
That's great.
See? That's how they bang you.
You know, that's, like, $9 down the drain.
Dad, are you okay?
Yeah, just work problems.
Not problems.
Just, uh, some work challenges.
Yeah, some challenges at work.
Very challenging at work lately.
And work is challenging.
But it's great. What's
going on with you guys?
- Are you still in ballet?
- We were trying to have a conversation with the kids.
Do you r... you remember?
Did... did Grandpa die?
- What?
- Oh, shit, did he?
N... no, no.
No, no, no.
- (groaning)
- (stomach gurgling)
Listen, you guys, hate to do this,
but I'm gonna have to
go throw up real quick.
So I'm just gonna hit
the men's room, all right?
All right, I'll be right back.
What's going on? What is this?
Oh, for goodness' sakes,
I left my wallet in the restaurant.
Robert, can you come with me to get it?
We'll be right back, okay, guys?
- Okay.
- Okay.
Be right back.
What was that?
Oh, I'm sorry. I know.
- I screwed up in there.
- You were useless in there!
We had a plan, remember?
You were supposed to help me,
and instead you just... you just sat there
bitching about the Meal Deal!
(muffled dialogue)
And you can't just make up some B.S....
I thought I could count on you.
Listen, can we circle back
and address this in a little while,
because I need to go heave in those bushes.
I'll be right back.
It was... it was right in my pocket
the whole time.
Such a boob.
(cell phone buzzing)
(phone rings)
You have got to be kidding me.
Robert's voice: You have
reached the DuFresne residence,
home of Robert, Frances, Tom, and Lila.
We are not in, but...
All: Leave us a message!
(machine beeps)
Julian: Uh, hi, this is
a colleague of Frances's.
My name is... Barnaby.
Could you please give me a call
about the, uh, work?
Thank you.
Just sign here, my man.
That's a full refund minus
the 20% restocking fee.
20%.
Highway fucking robbery.
I'll go ahead and issue
you your store credit.
What? Store credit?
I don't want any store
credit. I want my money back.
Well, I hear that, but it's been used.
Lightly. Lightly used.
Well, that's the policy on
returned workout equipment,
'cause I guess people
sweat on it or something.
I didn't even take the
Zero Runner out of the box.
A lot of people don't.
They see it on TV and
they get overambitious,
but, you know, that thing is not a toy.
Okay, enough of this dipshit small talk.
I wanna see the manager right now!
It is happening, bro.
Oh, fuck. Fine!
What can I get for my
fucking store fucking credit?
Well, we got some pretty
sweet deals going on
over in the mountain
bike department this week.
Do I look like a mountain biker to you?
I'm wearing a suit and tie!
Fine.
All right, well, what about this?
What about this? Will this do it?
I'm gonna take all of these.
Is that gonna use up my store credit, bro?
Do you want some kombucha?
I just opened a brew vessel.
Oh, no, I'm good. I'm not gonna stay long.
I've been trying to get ahold of you.
Yeah, I know.
I mean, that's sort of why I'm here.
And I'm glad you're here, uh, because...
Wait, Julian, can I... can I go first?
Look, uh...
what we had was crazy
and, uh, fun
and, yes, probably a very bad idea,
but, you know, it was what it was.
And part of me misses
the... well, the...
the... the feeling.
But it ended because, you
know, it needed to end.
Right?
- Right, yeah.
- And the easiest thing in the world
would be to sort of, you know,
just, like, fall back into it,
but I don't want us to
hurt each other anymore.
- No.
- You know, I've hurt a lot of people lately
and I just...
If you cared for me,
I'm asking you
to let me go.
- Okay. Got it.
- Thank you.
- Can I go now?
- Oh, yeah, of course.
Can you ask your husband
to stop calling me?
What?
Robert has been calling you?
Yes, and texting me and sending me emails,
and it's not friendly.
Look at this. "You had enough, Frenchie?
Let's... let's settle this
like men, face-to-face."
This is a picture of a French baguette
with a knife through it.
He's under the impression you're French.
Oh, yeah, I'm aware of that
from the voicemails.
Robert's voice: Bonjour, fuckface.
You know who it is. Just checking in.
Didn't want too many days to go
by without you thinking about me
and my family and what you've done to us.
We will meet someday.
Until then, laissez les bon temps rouler,
- you piece of shit.
- You piece of shit.
He's very angry.
Well, I'm aware... I'm aware of that.
Very worryingly, late last night
I saw a man staring up
into my apartment window.
A tall Asian fellow, right?
Robert's not Asian.
Hmm.
Oh, God, that must've been... oh, shit.
Okay, shit.
Well, can you ask him to stop?
Yeah, no, sure. I'll...
I'll see what I can do.
So this is why you've been calling me?
Yeah.
Oh, and...
and to see how you are.
How are you?
Fuck off, Julian.
Frances, how are you... how are you?
I've been meaning to ask how
you've been coping with everything.
'Cause I know it can't be easy.
How... how are your daughters coping?
- How old are they now?
- ♪ Oh, darling ♪
♪ Will you ever change your mind? ♪
♪ Yeah, I've been feeling left behind ♪
♪ Like a shadow in your light ♪
- ♪ Shadow in your light... ♪
- Hey, George Valdito.
- Robert DuFresne.
- Nice to meet you. Come on in.
Almost 200,000 square feet interior,
concrete slab floors,
got four loading docks,
parking space for 226 cars.
You have easy access from the highway,
easy access from the train.
I took Metro-North, I
walked here... five minutes.
Complete visibility
from the highway, right?
No trees, no buildings...
town can't build there.
Prime office space upstairs.
This is a property that's gonna move.
I've got people interested.
I have new people coming this afternoon.
You have some time, but
you don't have a lot of time
to pull the trigger...
Look who's here!
Hey, buddy.
Look at you in the lap of luxury
like a pig in his own feces.
Oh, hey. I'm Robert DuFresne.
Yes, hello, Grace.
Okay, so don't overexert him,
don't excite him, and don't stay too long.
I'll be in the kitchen if you need me,
sweetie pie, okay?
How you doing, Nicky?
I'd like to be able to
go to the john by myself,
but I'm getting there.
- Thank you, Grace.
- Mm-hmm.
Does she, uh, wipe your
bottom when you make a twosie?
- (chuckles)
- No.
Ha! Cool, cool.
Hey, brought you a swimsuit issue.
It's, uh... it's actually last year's.
The new one's not out
until, like, February,
maybe mid-January on newsstands.
But some of the girls in
here, they're just smoking hot.
Ugh, painful.
I mean, we gotta move to Israel.
Brought you some candy, too.
In case you wanna build
some lean muscle mass.
Hey, you mind if I pull up a chair?
So, uh, Nick...
you like rock climbing?
Honestly, Robert,
I haven't thought about it much lately.
But you like making sweet,
cold cash, right, huh?
I got this new deal and
it's gonna be fucking huge.
I mean, we're talking buckets of money.
I trade currency derivatives.
That's what I know.
So when you come to me with these
small-time investment schemes...
Forget that. This is way better, okay?
I found an old boat storage
facility out by the Elk's Club.
It's just a fucking dump. I
mean, it's crawling with rats.
Get out the money buckets.
Here's what I wanna do...
I wanna turn it into a place for kids.
I'm gonna call it FunSpace, all right?
Indoor rock climbing,
laser tag, indoor batting cages,
all the cool shit that kids like to do now.
The only other one is, like, 30 miles away
and it's tainted because
the lady that owned it
was fucking some teenagers.
Again, I'm just not in an
investing space right now.
My focus these days
is just trying to stay alive.
That's great. I want you to stay alive.
'Cause we're gonna make a
shitload of money together.
Listen to me, you're thinking small.
I'm talking franchise opportunities here.
I'm talking monopolizing
kids' birthday parties,
talking shaved Italian ice.
- I'm talking about...
- Imagine what the liability insurance will cost.
The first kid who breaks
his neck and it's all over.
Padding and nets, okay?
I did my homework, Diane, but
thanks for your expert opinion.
And I imagine it would be
a real pedophile magnet.
It's exactly where I'd hang out
if I was turned on by kids.
This looks like some fresh juice.
Can I get a cup of that?
Diane?
What's going on, man?
You know, you and I are
supposed to be partners.
You and me, I mean, until
Nick's head clears up.
It's our duty to help guide him
through these important decisions.
Mm, or protect him from idiotic ones.
I'm sorry. I should've
brought you in as my partner
for the presentation.
It's just I've been really
forgetful lately, you know?
- It's been tough.
- I understand.
You and Frances, ugh.
I still can't get used to the idea.
No, I'm talking about the emotional damage
that I suffered when you tried to shoot me.
(scoffs) I didn't try to shoot
you, Robert, and you know it.
I'm just really rattled
from the gunshot, you know?
And I can't fucking hear anything
because of the "tintinitis."
- Tinnitus.
- What's that?
- Tinnitus.
- Yeah, right.
I just... I break out in a cold sweat
every time I hear a car backfire.
Does that happen a lot?
Did some tenant farmers
pass you in a Model T?
(sighs)
Look,
I have chosen in the end to forgive you.
Mm.
I mean, I wanted to bring you and Nick in.
I wanted you guys to make some, you know...
some do re mi.
But if I have to go it alone, I will.
That's the way it goes sometimes.
Good-bye, Diane.
Vaya con dios, Diane.
Fuck 'em all! I don't need anyone!
Just make the offer, Don,
before somebody else snaps it up.
What?
Bullshit, bullshit.
It's time to double-down.
It takes money to make money, Don.
- We gotta just throw everything in as collateral.
- (tires screech)
Don, just make the deal happen, okay?
Just make it so.
End of conversation.
Unless you want me to take my business
across town to Mr. Jay Brenner.
All right, that's what I
thought. Later days, dickhead.
Let's do this.
Hey, wait, wait, wait.
Listen, I've worked out
two different scenarios
based on whether Tom or Lila cries first.
- If it's Tom, I think...
- We'll just roll with it, okay?
Either way, there's
nothing to it but to do it.
Okay.
Kids, family meeting... kitchen.
Tom, can you please put
down your drumsticks?
Brushes.
Can you put down your brush sticks?
We just...
we'd like to have a conversation, please.
Tom, you can hold them,
but can you just stop making
noise so that we can talk?
Tom, put them down.
Look, this won't take
long, but it's important.
And I'm making "important"
sound bad or scary and it's not.
It's... it's not.
What it's really all about is...
a better way to be as a family.
A better way for us, for your father and I,
to be a family for you, with you.
You know, 'cause there
are all sorts of families.
There... there are families that...
Your mother and I are getting a divorce.
It's awful.
If there was any way that
we could've figured out
how to stay together, then we would,
but we just can't.
But the important thing is
that neither of us is going to leave you.
I'm gonna be living nearby
and we're gonna do everything
that we've always done together
as a family.
But more importantly, your mother and I
love you with all of our hearts.
And that, Lila, Tom,
is never gonna change.
And it's okay to feel sad
or scared.
I mean, you're probably in shock right now.
Tom: Nope.
Not really.
I mean, we kind of knew already.
- You knew?
- Yeah, it was, like,
the most obvious fucking
thing I've ever seen.
Hey.
Lila, sweetie, you knew, too?
She wasn't sure, but I told her.
So do have any questions, then?
- No, I'm good.
- Me, too.
Can we go upstairs now? This is awkward.
Su... I mean...
Sure.
Go ahead.
They're punishing us.
- Well, I mean, do you blame them?
- (door closes)
Do you want me to hang
around, stay a little longer?
No, I'm fine. I'm... I'm okay.
Okay, 'cause I have some
stuff I gotta get to.
- Mm-hmm.
- But if you need me, just call me.
Robert?
Thank you.
(door opens, closes)
- (music playing)
- Did you hear anything back from your investment partner?
Nick, yes.
He's mulling it over, running the numbers.
Uh, I sense a cautious keenness,
but I think we're close.
Do you have anybody else
that you usually do business with?
Fuck.
This is probably the
stupidest thing I've ever done.
I mean, FunSpace? FunSpace?
- Is it just the stupidest idea ever?
- No, it doesn't...
it doesn't seem like a stupid idea.
It's... it's kind of a cool idea.
Ah, man, what am I talking about?
This is the worst time for me to
try and pull something like this off.
I don't know if I mentioned
this to you before,
but, uh, you know, the wife and I are
going through a divorce.
Yeah, you mentioned that to me already.
Well, anyway, I'm about to wave good-bye
to pretty much half of everything I have.
- Why?
- Because I'm getting a divorce, George.
That's how it works if you're
the primary breadwinner.
- Does she work?
- Yeah, she works.
I mean, she's made a
hell of a lot more money
over the last couple of years than I have.
But, you know, I'm the man,
so that's how it goes.
That's not actually how it goes.
What do you mean?
My brother-in-law just
went through all this
with my fucking bitch of a sister
and he came out of it pretty well.
Bought himself a new Audi.
But, wait a minute,
I thought traditionally the husband was...
Look, you know what? Just
talk to your lawyer, okay?
- He'll give you the lowdown.
- No, no, no, no.
We're not doing lawyers, okay?
We're... we're going with mediation.
It's said to be more civilized.
You're doing mediation?
What was that, your wife's idea?
(chuckles)
Good luck with that, man.
Mediation. (laughs)
(phone rings)
We did tell the children last night.
It was, uh...
it was brutal,
but, um, Robert was... Robert was great.
It was very surprising.
I never expected him to be so...
Again, we really shouldn't discuss anything
until Robert gets here.
I have to keep this a neutral space, hmm?
Yes, that's smart.
I'll try again. Never know, right?
- (line ringing)
- Oh, it's ringing.
(chiming)
Do you need to take that?
No.
So, our firm has had experience
with a whole range of divorce
proceedings and negotiations.
So, how would you characterize yours?
Amicable?
Contentious?
Not sure yet.
Uh, possibly the latter.
♪ Time was drifting ♪
♪ This rocker got to roll ♪
♪ So I hit the road
and made my getaway ♪
♪ Restless feeling ♪
♪ Really got ahold ♪
♪ I started searching
for a better way ♪
♪ But I kept on looking for a sign ♪
♪ In the middle of the night ♪
♪ But I couldn't see the light ♪
♪ No, I couldn't see the light ♪
♪ I kept on looking for a way ♪
♪ To take me through the night ♪
♪ I couldn't get it right ♪
♪ I couldn't get it right ♪
♪ I kept on looking for a sign ♪
♪ In the middle of the night ♪
♪ But I couldn't see the light ♪
♪ No, I couldn't see the light ♪
♪ I kept on looking for a way ♪
♪ To take me through the night ♪
♪ I couldn't get it right ♪
♪ I couldn't get it right ♪
♪ I kept on looking for a sign ♪
♪ In the middle of the night ♪
♪ But I couldn't see the light ♪
♪ No, I couldn't see the light ♪
♪ I kept on looking for a way ♪
♪ To take me through the night ♪
♪ I couldn't get it right ♪
♪ I couldn't get it right. ♪
♪ Skating away ♪
♪ Skating away ♪
♪ On the thin ice of a new day ♪
♪ Ay ♪
♪ And as you cross the circle-line ♪
♪ Well, the ice wall creaks behind ♪
♪ You're a rabbit on the run ♪
♪ And the silver splinters fly... ♪
And the fact that you've chosen mediation
is a very positive sign in and of itself.
- I like you.
- In that you two have already agreed to agree...
to divide assets fairly
- and share responsibilities equally.
- Exactly.
Without a bunch of
lawyers stirring up trouble
and burning through all your money...
- Assholes.
- ...and getting bogged down in who did what to who, when...
However, there might be some value
in knowing who did what and when,
uh, just so you get a sense
of the dynamic in play.
I'm good.
These are your mediation starter kits.
- Thank you.
- They contain an overview
and calendar and session
agendas, et cetera.
- It's a nice binder.
- (phone chiming)
- Sorry, sorry. I'm sorry.
- Envelope gussets.
Where... where'd you get these?
Yeah, these are the good ones.
Top drawer.
Sometimes I... I think
that when you sign up for
these "do not call" lists,
that's how they get your number.
(chuckles)
- Mm.
- I'm sorry. Anyway, we can... we can go on.
And most importantly, your
homework... financial disclosure forms.
We start with a comprehensive
accounting of your assets...
jointly and separately...
so that we can see just how...
How much this is gonna cost me.
Oh. Or, rather,
how to best share it all.
Hmm? So let's get these done
and we'll reconvene,
what, next Friday, right?
- Yeah?
- That's right.
Great. Well, it's been
a great first session.
- Thank you.
- So, tell me.
How are the kids taking the news?
You have told the kids, haven't you?
Uh, oh,
not every single detail.
No, actually, we haven't
told them anything yet.
But they're aware that Robert moved out?
Uh, yeah, no, we're good there.
We told them that I had to move
into one of my investment properties.
To guard it from potential vandals.
One of us thought it
was a good explanation.
Because if word gets out that a
residential property is unoccupied...
- Robert.
- ...it can quickly become
a public toilet for the disenfranchised.
I don't know why it is,
- but they primarily...
- Please don't say this.
- ...leave twosies behind.
- Okay.
Tell your children you're
getting divorced, got it?
- Good. Good.
- Absolutely.
It's like the first day of divorce school.
- I wanna be a good student.
- Robert, Robert, let's go.
- Okay.
- Let's go.
Okay, let's say that's
five solid candidates
because even they know Jim
Carlson is our, you know,
"here's the wrong way to go" submission.
So we do owe them at
least three more good ones.
- All right?
- All: Yeah.
Okay, thanks.
Brian? Brian?
- Uh, yeah?
- Can you stick around for a minute, please?
Sure.
- (chatter)
- (phone rings)
Uh, what's up?
Can you help me with something?
I need to get my entire
financial history with the firm
for some paperwork.
- Um, what for?
- For some paperwork, Brian.
I do direct deposit, so I
don't really have pay stubs,
but I was figuring there must be
some sort of comprehensive file somewhere.
Uh, yeah, payroll would have that.
- Yeah, and you work in payroll.
- No, I work with payroll.
- I don't work in payroll.
- Can you just get it for me?
Payroll's gonna ask what you need it for.
It... it's personal.
Okay, but payroll's still gonna...
Because I'm getting divorced, okay, Brian?
Okay? Are you happy?
Is that information which I would
obviously rather not tell payroll?
Is that sufficient for you?
I'm sorry. I didn't know. I...
N-n-no, I'm
sorry. I'm sorry.
I... I'm so sorry. I...
(sighs)
I shouldn't have snapped at you.
I haven't told anyone at work
because I'm a private person.
Yeah, of course. You know,
let me see what I can do...
You know, we're in
mediation, which is why I need
to pull all this financial stuff together.
I know this might sound crazy,
but I just really want
to do a good job with my divorce.
Right. Well, I'll just, you know...
- We haven't even told the kids yet.
- Oh, dear.
Hi! Uh, you guys about done?
We reserved the room for a birthday party.
Yeah, can you... can we
just please have a minute?
Yep. No problem. Okay.
- (door closes)
- Look, I don't know you well,
but, um, you seem like a nice person.
- Overall.
- Really? Really?
Would an overall nice
person cheat on her husband?
I'm a cheater, Brian.
I'm a big, old adulterer.
And now he won't stop calling me.
Who, your husband or the man?
The truth is Robert and
I haven't kissed in ages.
I mean, not with any
real passion, you know?
Not with, you know, tongues.
- (door opens)
- Sorry. Um...
Can you wait a goddamn minute?
They made me. I'm sorry.
He grew this giant mustache
because he knows I hate them.
- (door closes)
- It's like one of those...
you know, one of those old-time...
you know, ye olde bristly shoe
brushes, but musty and damp.
It's...
It's... it's constantly damp.
I have no idea why.
- All: Happy birthday!
- (scoffs)
Crying at work is so not me.
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry, but you're
a good listener, Brian.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Uh, and it's Ryan, not Brian.
I've been saying Ryan, haven't I?
No. Funnily enough,
my mother actually thought
of naming me Brian...
You know, we should probably
let them have this room.
(chatter)
- Happy birthday.
- Uh, thanks.
I can't track these numbers.
The way you have this laid out,
it's like I'm hemorrhaging money.
Yeah, that's correct.
Well, what the fuck, Don?
This doesn't make any sense.
You bought way too many houses, Robert.
I mean, you spent way
too much fixing them up,
and now nobody's buying them.
So, you know, simple math.
Yeah, but this looks
like I'm worth nothing.
Actually, you're worth less than nothing
when you figure in the debt and the loan,
the taxes... stuff like that.
Shit. Why didn't you warn me?
You don't return my calls.
You pay me hourly to save money.
That's called being practical.
I'm a businessman, dickhead.
Yeah, well, I'm the
cheapest accountant in town.
I'm working out of my fucking
car, for Christ's sake.
- (slams car) Fuck.
- Hey!
You okay, Robert?
Rob?
Some free advice...
stop spending money like
you actually have money.
'Cause you don't.
Frances: And then when
we get to the... you know,
the actual divorce part of it,
we should ease into it,
but we should also be
very clear with the facts.
- Whatever you say.
- I mean, it shouldn't feel like a bomb going off,
but I also don't want them confused either.
It's funny if you think about it,
all you'd have to do is punch the
accelerator into oncoming traffic
and we wouldn't have to
deal with any of this shit.
Robert, do not make me do
this by myself, you hear me?
I am happy to start the conversation,
but then you join in so they know
that we're all in this together.
Please be strong.
For the kids.
How come we've never been here before?
I do not know. It's good, though, right?
- Hey, how about we each get an ice cream sundae?
- Yes!
Wait, what?
Four ice cream sundaes?
They're, like, $12 each.
I thought it would be nice
for the kids to have one
while we're talking.
Ah, I have a really great idea.
Why don't we make them
at home? It'll be fun.
We'll just get some cream
out of the refrigerator,
whip it up, put it in the
freezer, it becomes ice cream.
Throw in some chocolate chips.
The same thing, but it's, like, 50 cents.
- Okay, guys, your dad and I...
- Which means they'd be 12 cents each.
Your dad and I
have something that we
want to talk to you about.
- What?
- Well, here's what it is.
- Your dad...
- Jesus.
It's got my pasta and my
salad on here separately.
I thought that was part of the Meal Deal.
So anyway, we love you both
very much is what I was saying.
And that's for sure.
And...
Robert.
Robert, do you... do you maybe...
Robert, do you maybe wanna...
wanna join in the discussion?
Ugh, Meal Deal is a lunch thing.
That's great.
See? That's how they bang you.
You know, that's, like, $9 down the drain.
Dad, are you okay?
Yeah, just work problems.
Not problems.
Just, uh, some work challenges.
Yeah, some challenges at work.
Very challenging at work lately.
And work is challenging.
But it's great. What's
going on with you guys?
- Are you still in ballet?
- We were trying to have a conversation with the kids.
Do you r... you remember?
Did... did Grandpa die?
- What?
- Oh, shit, did he?
N... no, no.
No, no, no.
- (groaning)
- (stomach gurgling)
Listen, you guys, hate to do this,
but I'm gonna have to
go throw up real quick.
So I'm just gonna hit
the men's room, all right?
All right, I'll be right back.
What's going on? What is this?
Oh, for goodness' sakes,
I left my wallet in the restaurant.
Robert, can you come with me to get it?
We'll be right back, okay, guys?
- Okay.
- Okay.
Be right back.
What was that?
Oh, I'm sorry. I know.
- I screwed up in there.
- You were useless in there!
We had a plan, remember?
You were supposed to help me,
and instead you just... you just sat there
bitching about the Meal Deal!
(muffled dialogue)
And you can't just make up some B.S....
I thought I could count on you.
Listen, can we circle back
and address this in a little while,
because I need to go heave in those bushes.
I'll be right back.
It was... it was right in my pocket
the whole time.
Such a boob.
(cell phone buzzing)
(phone rings)
You have got to be kidding me.
Robert's voice: You have
reached the DuFresne residence,
home of Robert, Frances, Tom, and Lila.
We are not in, but...
All: Leave us a message!
(machine beeps)
Julian: Uh, hi, this is
a colleague of Frances's.
My name is... Barnaby.
Could you please give me a call
about the, uh, work?
Thank you.
Just sign here, my man.
That's a full refund minus
the 20% restocking fee.
20%.
Highway fucking robbery.
I'll go ahead and issue
you your store credit.
What? Store credit?
I don't want any store
credit. I want my money back.
Well, I hear that, but it's been used.
Lightly. Lightly used.
Well, that's the policy on
returned workout equipment,
'cause I guess people
sweat on it or something.
I didn't even take the
Zero Runner out of the box.
A lot of people don't.
They see it on TV and
they get overambitious,
but, you know, that thing is not a toy.
Okay, enough of this dipshit small talk.
I wanna see the manager right now!
It is happening, bro.
Oh, fuck. Fine!
What can I get for my
fucking store fucking credit?
Well, we got some pretty
sweet deals going on
over in the mountain
bike department this week.
Do I look like a mountain biker to you?
I'm wearing a suit and tie!
Fine.
All right, well, what about this?
What about this? Will this do it?
I'm gonna take all of these.
Is that gonna use up my store credit, bro?
Do you want some kombucha?
I just opened a brew vessel.
Oh, no, I'm good. I'm not gonna stay long.
I've been trying to get ahold of you.
Yeah, I know.
I mean, that's sort of why I'm here.
And I'm glad you're here, uh, because...
Wait, Julian, can I... can I go first?
Look, uh...
what we had was crazy
and, uh, fun
and, yes, probably a very bad idea,
but, you know, it was what it was.
And part of me misses
the... well, the...
the... the feeling.
But it ended because, you
know, it needed to end.
Right?
- Right, yeah.
- And the easiest thing in the world
would be to sort of, you know,
just, like, fall back into it,
but I don't want us to
hurt each other anymore.
- No.
- You know, I've hurt a lot of people lately
and I just...
If you cared for me,
I'm asking you
to let me go.
- Okay. Got it.
- Thank you.
- Can I go now?
- Oh, yeah, of course.
Can you ask your husband
to stop calling me?
What?
Robert has been calling you?
Yes, and texting me and sending me emails,
and it's not friendly.
Look at this. "You had enough, Frenchie?
Let's... let's settle this
like men, face-to-face."
This is a picture of a French baguette
with a knife through it.
He's under the impression you're French.
Oh, yeah, I'm aware of that
from the voicemails.
Robert's voice: Bonjour, fuckface.
You know who it is. Just checking in.
Didn't want too many days to go
by without you thinking about me
and my family and what you've done to us.
We will meet someday.
Until then, laissez les bon temps rouler,
- you piece of shit.
- You piece of shit.
He's very angry.
Well, I'm aware... I'm aware of that.
Very worryingly, late last night
I saw a man staring up
into my apartment window.
A tall Asian fellow, right?
Robert's not Asian.
Hmm.
Oh, God, that must've been... oh, shit.
Okay, shit.
Well, can you ask him to stop?
Yeah, no, sure. I'll...
I'll see what I can do.
So this is why you've been calling me?
Yeah.
Oh, and...
and to see how you are.
How are you?
Fuck off, Julian.
Frances, how are you... how are you?
I've been meaning to ask how
you've been coping with everything.
'Cause I know it can't be easy.
How... how are your daughters coping?
- How old are they now?
- ♪ Oh, darling ♪
♪ Will you ever change your mind? ♪
♪ Yeah, I've been feeling left behind ♪
♪ Like a shadow in your light ♪
- ♪ Shadow in your light... ♪
- Hey, George Valdito.
- Robert DuFresne.
- Nice to meet you. Come on in.
Almost 200,000 square feet interior,
concrete slab floors,
got four loading docks,
parking space for 226 cars.
You have easy access from the highway,
easy access from the train.
I took Metro-North, I
walked here... five minutes.
Complete visibility
from the highway, right?
No trees, no buildings...
town can't build there.
Prime office space upstairs.
This is a property that's gonna move.
I've got people interested.
I have new people coming this afternoon.
You have some time, but
you don't have a lot of time
to pull the trigger...
Look who's here!
Hey, buddy.
Look at you in the lap of luxury
like a pig in his own feces.
Oh, hey. I'm Robert DuFresne.
Yes, hello, Grace.
Okay, so don't overexert him,
don't excite him, and don't stay too long.
I'll be in the kitchen if you need me,
sweetie pie, okay?
How you doing, Nicky?
I'd like to be able to
go to the john by myself,
but I'm getting there.
- Thank you, Grace.
- Mm-hmm.
Does she, uh, wipe your
bottom when you make a twosie?
- (chuckles)
- No.
Ha! Cool, cool.
Hey, brought you a swimsuit issue.
It's, uh... it's actually last year's.
The new one's not out
until, like, February,
maybe mid-January on newsstands.
But some of the girls in
here, they're just smoking hot.
Ugh, painful.
I mean, we gotta move to Israel.
Brought you some candy, too.
In case you wanna build
some lean muscle mass.
Hey, you mind if I pull up a chair?
So, uh, Nick...
you like rock climbing?
Honestly, Robert,
I haven't thought about it much lately.
But you like making sweet,
cold cash, right, huh?
I got this new deal and
it's gonna be fucking huge.
I mean, we're talking buckets of money.
I trade currency derivatives.
That's what I know.
So when you come to me with these
small-time investment schemes...
Forget that. This is way better, okay?
I found an old boat storage
facility out by the Elk's Club.
It's just a fucking dump. I
mean, it's crawling with rats.
Get out the money buckets.
Here's what I wanna do...
I wanna turn it into a place for kids.
I'm gonna call it FunSpace, all right?
Indoor rock climbing,
laser tag, indoor batting cages,
all the cool shit that kids like to do now.
The only other one is, like, 30 miles away
and it's tainted because
the lady that owned it
was fucking some teenagers.
Again, I'm just not in an
investing space right now.
My focus these days
is just trying to stay alive.
That's great. I want you to stay alive.
'Cause we're gonna make a
shitload of money together.
Listen to me, you're thinking small.
I'm talking franchise opportunities here.
I'm talking monopolizing
kids' birthday parties,
talking shaved Italian ice.
- I'm talking about...
- Imagine what the liability insurance will cost.
The first kid who breaks
his neck and it's all over.
Padding and nets, okay?
I did my homework, Diane, but
thanks for your expert opinion.
And I imagine it would be
a real pedophile magnet.
It's exactly where I'd hang out
if I was turned on by kids.
This looks like some fresh juice.
Can I get a cup of that?
Diane?
What's going on, man?
You know, you and I are
supposed to be partners.
You and me, I mean, until
Nick's head clears up.
It's our duty to help guide him
through these important decisions.
Mm, or protect him from idiotic ones.
I'm sorry. I should've
brought you in as my partner
for the presentation.
It's just I've been really
forgetful lately, you know?
- It's been tough.
- I understand.
You and Frances, ugh.
I still can't get used to the idea.
No, I'm talking about the emotional damage
that I suffered when you tried to shoot me.
(scoffs) I didn't try to shoot
you, Robert, and you know it.
I'm just really rattled
from the gunshot, you know?
And I can't fucking hear anything
because of the "tintinitis."
- Tinnitus.
- What's that?
- Tinnitus.
- Yeah, right.
I just... I break out in a cold sweat
every time I hear a car backfire.
Does that happen a lot?
Did some tenant farmers
pass you in a Model T?
(sighs)
Look,
I have chosen in the end to forgive you.
Mm.
I mean, I wanted to bring you and Nick in.
I wanted you guys to make some, you know...
some do re mi.
But if I have to go it alone, I will.
That's the way it goes sometimes.
Good-bye, Diane.
Vaya con dios, Diane.
Fuck 'em all! I don't need anyone!
Just make the offer, Don,
before somebody else snaps it up.
What?
Bullshit, bullshit.
It's time to double-down.
It takes money to make money, Don.
- We gotta just throw everything in as collateral.
- (tires screech)
Don, just make the deal happen, okay?
Just make it so.
End of conversation.
Unless you want me to take my business
across town to Mr. Jay Brenner.
All right, that's what I
thought. Later days, dickhead.
Let's do this.
Hey, wait, wait, wait.
Listen, I've worked out
two different scenarios
based on whether Tom or Lila cries first.
- If it's Tom, I think...
- We'll just roll with it, okay?
Either way, there's
nothing to it but to do it.
Okay.
Kids, family meeting... kitchen.
Tom, can you please put
down your drumsticks?
Brushes.
Can you put down your brush sticks?
We just...
we'd like to have a conversation, please.
Tom, you can hold them,
but can you just stop making
noise so that we can talk?
Tom, put them down.
Look, this won't take
long, but it's important.
And I'm making "important"
sound bad or scary and it's not.
It's... it's not.
What it's really all about is...
a better way to be as a family.
A better way for us, for your father and I,
to be a family for you, with you.
You know, 'cause there
are all sorts of families.
There... there are families that...
Your mother and I are getting a divorce.
It's awful.
If there was any way that
we could've figured out
how to stay together, then we would,
but we just can't.
But the important thing is
that neither of us is going to leave you.
I'm gonna be living nearby
and we're gonna do everything
that we've always done together
as a family.
But more importantly, your mother and I
love you with all of our hearts.
And that, Lila, Tom,
is never gonna change.
And it's okay to feel sad
or scared.
I mean, you're probably in shock right now.
Tom: Nope.
Not really.
I mean, we kind of knew already.
- You knew?
- Yeah, it was, like,
the most obvious fucking
thing I've ever seen.
Hey.
Lila, sweetie, you knew, too?
She wasn't sure, but I told her.
So do have any questions, then?
- No, I'm good.
- Me, too.
Can we go upstairs now? This is awkward.
Su... I mean...
Sure.
Go ahead.
They're punishing us.
- Well, I mean, do you blame them?
- (door closes)
Do you want me to hang
around, stay a little longer?
No, I'm fine. I'm... I'm okay.
Okay, 'cause I have some
stuff I gotta get to.
- Mm-hmm.
- But if you need me, just call me.
Robert?
Thank you.
(door opens, closes)
- (music playing)
- Did you hear anything back from your investment partner?
Nick, yes.
He's mulling it over, running the numbers.
Uh, I sense a cautious keenness,
but I think we're close.
Do you have anybody else
that you usually do business with?
Fuck.
This is probably the
stupidest thing I've ever done.
I mean, FunSpace? FunSpace?
- Is it just the stupidest idea ever?
- No, it doesn't...
it doesn't seem like a stupid idea.
It's... it's kind of a cool idea.
Ah, man, what am I talking about?
This is the worst time for me to
try and pull something like this off.
I don't know if I mentioned
this to you before,
but, uh, you know, the wife and I are
going through a divorce.
Yeah, you mentioned that to me already.
Well, anyway, I'm about to wave good-bye
to pretty much half of everything I have.
- Why?
- Because I'm getting a divorce, George.
That's how it works if you're
the primary breadwinner.
- Does she work?
- Yeah, she works.
I mean, she's made a
hell of a lot more money
over the last couple of years than I have.
But, you know, I'm the man,
so that's how it goes.
That's not actually how it goes.
What do you mean?
My brother-in-law just
went through all this
with my fucking bitch of a sister
and he came out of it pretty well.
Bought himself a new Audi.
But, wait a minute,
I thought traditionally the husband was...
Look, you know what? Just
talk to your lawyer, okay?
- He'll give you the lowdown.
- No, no, no, no.
We're not doing lawyers, okay?
We're... we're going with mediation.
It's said to be more civilized.
You're doing mediation?
What was that, your wife's idea?
(chuckles)
Good luck with that, man.
Mediation. (laughs)
(phone rings)
We did tell the children last night.
It was, uh...
it was brutal,
but, um, Robert was... Robert was great.
It was very surprising.
I never expected him to be so...
Again, we really shouldn't discuss anything
until Robert gets here.
I have to keep this a neutral space, hmm?
Yes, that's smart.
I'll try again. Never know, right?
- (line ringing)
- Oh, it's ringing.
(chiming)
Do you need to take that?
No.
So, our firm has had experience
with a whole range of divorce
proceedings and negotiations.
So, how would you characterize yours?
Amicable?
Contentious?
Not sure yet.
Uh, possibly the latter.
♪ Time was drifting ♪
♪ This rocker got to roll ♪
♪ So I hit the road
and made my getaway ♪
♪ Restless feeling ♪
♪ Really got ahold ♪
♪ I started searching
for a better way ♪
♪ But I kept on looking for a sign ♪
♪ In the middle of the night ♪
♪ But I couldn't see the light ♪
♪ No, I couldn't see the light ♪
♪ I kept on looking for a way ♪
♪ To take me through the night ♪
♪ I couldn't get it right ♪
♪ I couldn't get it right ♪
♪ I kept on looking for a sign ♪
♪ In the middle of the night ♪
♪ But I couldn't see the light ♪
♪ No, I couldn't see the light ♪
♪ I kept on looking for a way ♪
♪ To take me through the night ♪
♪ I couldn't get it right ♪
♪ I couldn't get it right ♪
♪ I kept on looking for a sign ♪
♪ In the middle of the night ♪
♪ But I couldn't see the light ♪
♪ No, I couldn't see the light ♪
♪ I kept on looking for a way ♪
♪ To take me through the night ♪
♪ I couldn't get it right ♪
♪ I couldn't get it right. ♪