Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (2016–2017): Season 2, Episode 9 - Trouble Is Bad - full transcript

No! No!

I just want...

Help! Get off!
Get off!

No! No! No...

[♪♪♪]
*DIRK GENTLY'S*
Holistic Detective Agency
Season 02 Episode 09
Title: "Trouble is Bad"

Thank you,
Dirk Gently.

I am so grateful to you.

If you weren't
such an incredible moron,

this might have been
challenging for me.

To think The Mage
was scared of you.

He was?



You're nothing but
small people,

just more small people
standing in my way.

Not today.

I get The Boy,

I get Wendimoor,

and for once,

I get the last word,

'cause...

The Trosts are
headed to attack.

Silas, your mother
needs you.

You get to her, and
you stop this madness!

But the prophecy,
The Boy!

There is no time!

We'll fulfill
the prophecy, Silas.



Go to your family.

Stop the fight
before it's too late.

Uh... Bad stuff!

Boxheads!
They're coming!

Go, everyone!

We need the pool.

I know another way.

Let's go!
Boys!

Go!

I won't leave you
to die, Wygar.

Go!

Wygar!

Run, boy!

Go!

Save your family!

No, no, no...

Keep moving!

You silly man.

Go on, get up!

Who do you think
you're dealing with?

You think you can shut me up?

No!

Nobody tells me what to do!

Not anymore!

Avaratos!

Come on!

Okay!

Oh, yes, my queen.

Our armies are
entering the Valley

at this very moment.

We stand
at the ready.

Shall we pursue them?

The ones that got away?

No.

Forget about them.

They've got no magic, no pool,

they'll never get to The Boy.

They're just little flies,

buzzing around my head.

I'll have fun with them later.

Have the last
of the families killed.

I'm sick of them.

Of course, my queen.

This is my world now.

I'm going to fix everything.

All righty.
This is our target.

Remember, stay calm.

Project Lamia
isn't normally violent,

but she is dangerous
if provoked.

Do not take action
unless ordered.

It's... gone, man!

The-the-the...

thingie is gone, man!

Stay calm!

- That's not calm.
- Where are you?

Calm. Okay?

We don't even know
that she's in this room.

Yeah, but we don't know
that she's, like,

not in this room either, right?

Like, she could've already
morphed into something!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa! Whoa!

Look, for all we know,

Mona Wilder
is just a couple of molecules

that can modify the matter
around her.

I don't understand that!

You're not going to be able
to shoot her,

so just...

Wait!

What if she's already, like,
transformed into somebody?

What if she's already loose
in the facility?

I...

Whoa!

It's you, isn't it?

She's you.

Or wait, no, you're Mona.

You're Mona,
and you don't even know.

No. No! I'm Ken!

I need to shoot you to be sure.

Why would that help?

I don't know.
It's a thought I had,

so I have to do it!

But you just... Wait, wait!

Your gun...

Huh?

Your gun

is still in the holster.

Huh?

Oh, shit.

Uh...

Stand... stand down!

Stand down,
stand-stand down...

Stand... stand down...

Hi, Mona.

I'm Ken.

We haven't met yet,

but I'm here to help.

I think there's been a big
misunderstanding, Mona.

Now, no one wants to hurt you.

No, no.

I know that
you helped Dirk escape

because he was...
he was your friend.

Well, I want to be
your friend too.

Look, I think Dirk
is in trouble,

but we can't do anything
without your help.

Can you help us, Mona?

You don't want to hurt anyone...

Right?

Hello?

Hi.

Tina?

Yeah.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

It's not bleeding.

It just burns.

Now, where'd he go?

He's back down
by the car.

And...

Oh, my God...

Hey, Hobbs!

- Shh!
- What are you...

Stop it!
It won't work.

He's...

He's enchanted,
like Bob Boreton.

What do we do?

We have to go down there
and get him.

"Get him"?

Look, whatever he's doing,
it's not good.

And I am not losing two fights

in one year.

We need a plan.

A plan.

Right.

Yes.

Let's arrest
that son of a bitch.

Yeah.

Ow.

Okay.

We're both gonna die.

All right, boys and girls,

this is a special situation.

Everybody just relax,
follow my lead.

Priest to Command.

Yoo-hoo.

Hello, high Command.

Anybody home?

Priest, this is Command.

Hold on, now.

Is that my friend Ken?

Yes, it is, Mr. Priest.

Well, isn't that music
to my ears?

Aren't you the one

who survived alone
with Project Marzanna?

That's me. Why?

Well...

I am in need of your expertise
at the moment.

Ho boy.

Who are these men?

Are they warriors?

It's Blackwing.

This could get ugly.

They're gonna want me
to come with them.

If you don't
want to go,

then I shan't
let them take you.

Panto, you don't
know these guys.

I mean, they're dangerous,
they hurt people.

I appreciate your concern,
Bartine,

but I am the greatest swordsman
in all of Wendimoor.

I suspect
I'll be all right.

Yeah, okay.

Guns down, everybody.

Clips on the ground.

We are not risking
a chain reaction here.

Your weapons will not be useful.

They'll just give her
a reason to kill us all.

Let's avoid that.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

How you doin', Bart?

Hi, Mr. Priest.

Uh...

You don't feel like
killing anybody right now,

right?

No, not really.

We just wanna go
to Wendimoor

for the big happy ending.

Okay. Sure.
Who's your buddy?

Verily,
I am a normal man,

from this world,

much like yourself.

Okay.

Priest, we're gonna
wanna go into the house.

Are you gonna
try to stop us?

No, ma'am.

I can't make you do anything
you don't want to do,

I know that.

But...

there is somebody...

who wants to say hi.

Oh, my God, Bart!

Ken! Hi!

Oh, my God.

There you are!

Hey, you're on some kind
of little... square?

How did you get in there?

Hey, are you on TV?

No, Bart, I'm at Blackwing.

I'm okay, it's just a video.

Hey, I'm sorry I left you.

There was all this shooting.

I just, I didn't want you
to get hurt.

That's all okay now.

They're taking good care of me.

Hey, how do I
get you out of there?

Well, okay,
that's the thing, Bart,

you don't have to.

I don't?

No.

But what you could do
is come in,

back in.

What?

Why?

Blackwing is terrible.

I mean, it's the most
boring place

I've ever been to
in my whole life.

No, it's different now.

I'm here...

Yeah, but I'm different too.

Hey, I don't even
kill anybody anymore.

You just dropped a chainsaw.

Oh, no, I-I just like it.

Well, bring it with you, then.

I've missed you, Bart.

Hey, you should come with us!

You should come
to Wendimoor!

I can't do that.

Come and see me, Bart.

I'm your friend.

You have to trust me.

Yeah...

Yeah, but Panto
is my friend too.

This is Panto.

You should
listen to Ken.

He's only trying
to help you.

So am I.

We have been through
a lot together, huh?

Why don't you
come back in?

Look, we can even stop
and get some ice cream,

just like old times.

See, Bart, I'm your friend too.

No, I don't think
you are.

Panto, come on.

Bart...

Come on.

Hey, Ken, I'm really sorry,

but I'm gonna go.

'Kay, bye.

Bart...

No, no, no,
hey, hey,

whoa, whoa, whoa, Bart.
Hold on a minute.

- Unhand the lady.
- Right.

Right you are.

On the list of things
I'm not doing today, Priest,

going back to Blackwing
is near the top.

Think it over.

She said she doesn't
want to go.

There's no more
left to discuss.

Now, stand aside.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa!

Stand down! Hold on!

Stand down!

What is it?

What's happening?

Stand down!

Wow!

We don't wanna kill
any more people.

We just wanna go to Wendimoor
for the happily ever after.

I'm not going
to let that happen, Bart.

Panto?

Shit.

Everybody stand down!

Hey!

Are you sure you don't wanna
come to Wendimoor?

Bart, listen to me!

Okay, well, listen, Ken,

you let me know
if you change your mind, okay?

Bart!

Wait! Stop!

Come on.

Sorry about the mess.

Bart, wait!
Bart! Stop! Wait!

'Sway!

Ome'lgo, wayfumtebadduns!

Wait, so the pool
in the throne room

leads to the bed?

Possibly. The bed
led to the pool.

Drummer pulled us
through a pool.

I got a lake.

Shouldn't the pool
in the throne room

work the same way
as Wakti's?

Absolutely.
And by that I mean,

possibly, sure. Maybe?

We have no way
of knowing that.

- How'd that truck get through?
- Same pool?

We really have no idea
how any of this works.

You gonna pull
that guy you need

through a pool?

Drummer's got the power.

Wait, wait a second, Amanda,
you know how to do this?

You said you needed
Wakti's help.

Well, I have to try.

Dirk, do I have
to reach through the pool

to find The Boy in Blackwing?

Because I don't know
where he is in there.

Okay, then let's do this,

if you can get me
and the Rowdy 3 in,

we'll be like a super
action-boy strike team.

Jailbreak.

Look, let's just
take a beat here...

- There's no time!
- We can't, dude!

You want to portal into
Blackwing to get The Boy?

Suzie Boreton is here
destroying everything.

There's an army coming!

Yeah, that actually was
kinda a lot of guys.

Shitloads bigtime.

There's 11,000 dudes.
I counted real quick.

This is crazy!

I know I said
we needed to take control,

but what if the universe
is not on our side this time?

- Aw...
- We need a real plan.

Did we really come
all this way

- just so we could all get...
- Ah! God!

Todd?

Is he...?

Are you having an attack?

Yeah.

My pills!

- Late lunch, gentlemen?
- Mm-hmm.

No, hold up.

- Don't help him.
- What?!

Todd, listen.

Remember how I said

pararibulitus works
differently here?

Well, it feels the same.

I know, but just listen to me.

You can beat this.
You can use the energy.

Turn what's hurting you...

Barbed wire on my leg.

Right.

Barbed wire. You can make
the barbed wire real.

You can pull it off your leg,
and it won't hurt you.

You just have to listen to me.

Don't panic.

It's your wire,
it belongs to you,

it's your pain.

I need my pills.

Hey, look at me!

The energy is yours,

the fear is yours,

the barbed wire is yours,
so control them.

Separate yourself
from the physical space.

You own this.
You control this.

Ooh, damn...

God, Todd, you've got
barbed wire on your leg!

You can see it?

Nicely done.

Holy shit.

Hello... Mona.

My name's
Supervisor Friedkin.

How's your neck?

It's... bad, actually.

You really hurt me.

I'm sorry.

You were scaring me.

Just like those men
are scaring me now.

Well, they need
to be here right now,

in case you, like,

turn into a bear or something.

Why would I turn into
a silly little bear?

If I wanted to kill you,

I'd just turn into
an aircraft carrier right now,

and this entire place
would be destroyed.

Please don't do that.

Hi, Mona!

Chair, please.

Get up.

Sure.

Can I see Dirk?

Not right now.

He's in some trouble.

Oh no.

Trouble is bad.

Yes, it is.

But you can help.

I don't want to hurt anyone.

I'm just an actress.

I'm a holistic actress.

I can play any role.

Why were you the toy?

I can be anything.

A boat,

or a house,

or a shovel,

or a cloud,

or an old Pakistani man,

or the Queen of England,

or a kangaroo...

but I don't know
what I am supposed to be.

Why did you send Dirk away?

I didn't do that.

I just told him
what the voice said.

The...

The... the voice?

One day

there was a voice.

A funny little snail voice.

What did this voice say?

She said

she needed Dirk
to help find her friend,

a boy.

She said

if I let her
use my eyes,

she could
put people

where they
needed to be.

So she saw what you saw.

Yes.

Does that help?

Did I help Dirk?

Oh yeah. Yeah.

Very much.

Do I have
to stay a person now?

Only for
a little while longer,

if you don't mind.

Okay.

I guess
that's all nice.

Uh...

Thank you, Mona.

You're a great friend.

Panto!

Look at that moon!

Have you seen this moon?

Yes, Bart, that's quite
a normal moon to me.

Oh, buddy,

I'm starting to think

you're a little weird,
you know that?

Imagine how I felt
in your strange world,

with your dumb little moon
looking all tiny.

Yeah, I guess the moon
is pretty stupid,

now that I think about it.

Hey, Panto?

I wanna go this way.
Can we go this way?

But Bart,
my home is this way.

Please, I beg of you,
let's just...

Panto?

Silas!

My love!

You've returned.

And I've found Dirk Gently.

I found Dirk Gently.

Is he here?

Yes. Yes, but so is
The Mage's apprentice.

She's taken control of his men.

Wow, that's bad.

Hello?

Hi.

You're Silas, right?

I heard about you.
Your mom's an asshole.

Silas,
this is Bartine,

an exquisite creature
and a wonderful friend.

Delighted to meet you,

but we must hurry
to my mother

and beg her
to lay down her arms.

Things have
gotten worse,

worse than
you can ever imagine.

Hey, that's the way I wanted
to go in the first place.

I found The Boy.

Those idiots told me
exactly where he was.

Wendimoor is mine,

except for one tiny
little thread.

You will travel to my world

and cut it!

How will we find The Boy?

Shouldn't be too hard.

Just go through here,

and kill everyone you see!

Ken, hey, I think
I'm a little...

I'm confused.
What's going on?

Project Moloch is
a reality editor, all right?

He can create things,
completely new things,

from nothing but his mind,
all right?

Like the crazy funhouse
hidden inside the Cardenas farm

in Bergsberg.

The file said

that he had plans on building
a much bigger world than that,

called Wendimoor,

like a fairytale land.

I'm guessing
he actually pulled it off,

and that's what put him
in the coma.

You with me?

Yes.

When he had his stroke
two months ago,

it must have caused some kind
of thinning between worlds,

and an entity
from the other side,

this "voice,"

poked through
and found Mona.

But wait, why are they
looking for Dirk?

To help them somehow.

What matters now

is that we lock down
this entire facility before...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, um...

you keep acting
like you're in charge now.

We don't have time for this.

No, I just want to make sure
that you understand

that you are helping me.

I'm in charge.

Hugo, you gave me
the same clearance as you.

We are equals
within this program.

You can't take that
away from me now.

I...

I didn't mean to do that.

Wait! Look! Listen!

We have to take control
of this situation,

or this whole operation
is going to be compromised!

Wait, that's...

my dog.

Knights
are coming!

Knights are coming!

Knights
are coming!

Secure Project Moloch!

Now!

Move! Move! Move!

This way! Let's go!

Bergsberg Sheriff's Department!

Put your hands up!

Golly gee, well done!

You got down here in...

record time, really,
I can't believe it.

You think I didn't know
you were there?

Oh no,
it's the police!

Sneaking up on me...

Oh, ladies,

that's an incredibly
foolhardy attempt at a...

what, an ambush?

That's hilarious.

Well, I guess you needed
some sort of plan,

but this...?

Well, you were always
a disappointment,

weren't you, Farah Black?

You don't scare me!

If only your father
could see you now.

He'd hardly be
surprised, would he?

Family full of heroes.

Someone had
to drop the ball eventually.

I suppose he always knew
it would be you.

Drop the wand!

Don't be absurd.

Do you want
to see something funny?

Those little pokes
with my needle

appear to have put you

into a rather negative
state of mind, ladies.

What do we do, what
do we do, what do we do?

Shh... shh.

Now, I could just have you
kill each other right now,

or...

we could try something
with a little more mischief.

Hobbs!

Hobbs, it's me!
It's Tina!

Stay calm...

What are you
making him do?

Well, he's helping me
with a little project.

You see, we're going
to take this car,

fill it full of explosives,

and then Mr. Hobbs
is going to drive it

into that silly old house

with the gateway
to Wendimoor.

And pwoosh!

Blow it to bits.

Lots of burny little bits,
house, barn, all of it.

No more road
to that cursed land,

and a fresh
new start for me.

Mr. Hobbs!

Take out your gun
and aim it at them.

Sherlock, don't!

What are you doing?

Hobbs?

Listen to me,

we're your friends.

Now, this is
the kind of game I really enjoy!

I was never meant to be
a conqueror,

taking over the world.

I much prefer to hurt people
in person,

not... send an army in
to burn down a village.

Where's the fun in that?

Hobbs...

It's so...

impersonal.

But this...

it's fun-tastic!

Shoot them, Hobbs.

Ah!

No, no, no, no...

Oh, God...
Farah, I'm sorry!

No one in Wendimoor
can defeat me!

You're not in Wendimoor!

Ow!

What the heck happened?

Father, stop!

My God,
what's happened here?

Mother!

Father...

Silas!

Panto...

you're alive.

What have you done, Father?

What has become
of our beloved homeland?

We are doomed,
my boy.

Even after all this death,

we can still save
the Valley of Inglenook.

Please, Father, Lady Frija,

we must salvage something.

Silas, how...?

Mother...

I'm in love with him.

Huh.

Is it true?

It is, Father.

If there is to be any hope
for a future in this land,

you must wake up
and stop this.

Please.

We cannot bear
more destruction.

So many have died...

Their sacrifice
does not have to be in vain.

We can honor them yet

if we work together
to save Inglenook.

You see?

Everything is gonna
work out great.

Ha ha! They all
killed each other!

There's no one left
for us to kill!

But...

Silas!

Panto?

Panto... Panto?

Odere! Odere!

Dere!

Okay...

Okay.

You got this, boss?

Sure.

Yeah.

Why not?
Yeah, mm-hmm.

Sure.

What do you
want us to do?

Just step back.

Wow...

She can really do that.

Yes, she can.

That was incredible.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Yeah, I just...
I can't keep it open.

Wh... wh...
what do you need?

It's too much by myself.

I haven't done it
without Wakti.

I needed more time with her.

I could maybe
get you there, Dirk,

like, one way?

But then you'd be stuck,

and I don't know
if I could get you back.

That seems... not great.

Bah sheps comfur...

Y-you guys?

Ledee! Ledee!

Wait, Todd!

You can help me.

What? No,
I can't do that.

I'm not like you.

No, you're not.
But...

you can maybe use your energy,

and it would help me
keep the portal open?

You just have to try.

Guys, rainbow monster's
trying to tell us

something bad's coming!

Bad sheps ledee!

Suzie.

Okay, yes, just...

Whatever you say, just...

I'll do it, I'm in.

We'll slow that witch down.

Boys?

I got nothin'
but rocks in here!

Nobody makes me
scared of laughter!

Wait!

Dirk and I need the Rowdy 3
to come through with us.

You can't help me
keep the portal open

and go through.

Shit, but then...

It's... it's all right.

I'll do it alone.

You seriously want
to go back to Blackwing

- by yourself?
- "Want"

may be
a strong word, Todd, but...

Where are you going,
Dirk Gently?

"Want" truly is a strong word,

and yet no other more
perspicuous appellations

are currently
traveling to my mind

with any degree of alacrity

to allow me to concisely
articulate...

Dirk, stop with the... words.

Don't spin out.
You can do this.

Okay.

There's a lotta
weird in here!

So, I'm gonna
have an attack?

Yeah.

Probably a bad, slow one?

Yup.

Perfect. I'm in.

Just... tell me what to do.

Keep your hands in,
no matter what.

Dirk?

Are you ready?

Yes.

I can do this.

Don't panic.