Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (2016–2017): Season 2, Episode 8 - Little Guy, Black Hair - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

[ARGUING]

You sold the farm?

You had no right!

I'm done letting you ruin my life!

We're not done here! Come back!

[♪♪♪]

The boys and I will stay here.

You should go to hell!

No!

What are you doing?



Give me the phone!

[SHATTERING]

[♪♪♪]

[BLOW LANDS]

I'm sorry.

Mom!

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

What we have here in the house

is a pocket dimension,

a geometrically impossible
duplicate of the house

that is accessed through a portal

in the upstairs bedroom.

Right, a pocket dimension, um,



and that is a small...

dimension...

Can I talk to Ken?

Dimensional gateways
are in line with the file.

You should be careful,
it could be dangerous.

[ROARING, DISTORTED SONG
OF PURPLE PEOPLE EATER]

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES, SILENCING SONG]

Oh, I think I'll be okay.

I have not had any luck
tracking down Brotzman

or Project Icarus.

I think there's another portal

in the house,

but we haven't figured it out yet.

Any sign of Farah Black?

No, she slipped away, but...

I don't think she's going very far.

Okay, keep your eyes open,

and lock down the entire county.

We're reaching an inflection point,

and some kind of convergence
is probably coming soon.

Oh, Ken, you have a dirty mind.

I will do.

Thanks, Priest.

Keep me... posted.

Or... don't.

What are you guys talking about,

dimensions?

Like a hidden world inside the house.

There were references
to something like it

in the old file

from the original Blackwing in the '60s.

Now, they never followed up

after the government pulled funding

from Project Paperclip,

and canceled
all of the top-secret programs.

Somebody dropped the ball back then,

and 50 years later,

looks like a touchdown on the half court

for an interception.

Huh?

I don't play sports.

What does any of that mean?

"Project Paperclip"?

You have got to read the files, man...

Stop telling me

to read!

- Can you chill?
- No!

No, this is...

argh!

There is no way for a normal person

to understand portals!

Seven people have disappeared,

from here, okay?

They just vanished
from right under our noses,

one of them twice,

and I know for sure

that there are no stupid pockets

in my, like, secure,

like, underground,

like, government facility!

- Are you done?
- Yes!

No!

Maybe, I don't know.

You guys are, like, talking
about inflection points,

and convergence,

and I don't know what any of that means!

[SIGHS HEAVILY]

What do you know about Project Lamia?

- [GUNSHOT]
- [YELPS]

[GUNFIRE BLASTING]

Hold your fire! Hold your fire!

I'm armed! I'm a police officer!

Tina?

It's me! It's Farah!

Gun down?

Please?

Where have you been?

I ran into a little trouble,

but I'll tell you about it.

Okay?

If you put the gun down.

Suzie Boreton was magic.

She was like...

She was-she was like a witch.

She shot flying guillotine
shapes out of a stick!

- You saw that, right?
- I did.

How? How did that happen?

Okay, let's-let's put the gun down.

Sorry.

Everything is going nuts, Farah.

The prisoners are gone.

Like, gone! Like, they broke out!

Cell phone, not working.

Internet, no.

Every time I listen to the police radio,

it's just government
broadcast emergency shit...

Slow down...

Okay?

You're very heightened right now...

[BLUSTERING] The scissor sword thingie

is missing from the evidence locker,

and the chainsaw too!

And there were dudes, scary dudes,

scary military dudes at the hospital!

Okay, relax.

Breathe.

[TAKING BREATHS] Okay.

That was Blackwing.

[GRUMBLING] I don't care who that was!

We gotta get outta here...

They won't let us leave!

Todd and Dirk are gone.

I think they went to Wendimoor.

[WHIMPERING IN TERROR]

That means we...

have to stop Suzie Boreton.

We're going to go to her house,

and...

we're going to arrest her.

You saw all the crap she did, right?

She's a witch.

What are we gonna do against that?

Without that wand,

- she's just a human being.
- [SCOFFS]

I know, it's gonna take a lot of
firepower,

but I think we can disarm her...

Disarm her!

You're crazy!

[SOFTLY] Farah...?

Where's Hobbs?

This was all a joke, man.

I just took this job as a favor

so I could hang out with him.

He's my best friend.

I'm not supposed to be here!

We have to call someone, or-or something.

I mean, this is... this is dangerous!

Who's going to protect people?
Who-who's going to help people?

[GASPING] We have to call the police...

Tina!

We are the police.

[BRANCH SNAPS]

Gotcha!

[YELPS IN ALARM]

Oo ankmahead urtie, oo stupid Baboon!

I'll give you this,

you're very determined!

[YELPING IN FEAR]

A Kellum truck?

[APPROACHING SCREECH]

Ah!

Sort that one out later.

Amanda!

Psst!

Amanda, hey...

Where are we?

Some kind of town.

You passed out just before we got here.

I thought it was better to let you sleep.

Seriously? You're giving
me the silent treatment?

I know you're upset,

and I'm sorry.

Really, I am.

I'm sorry that your...

that Wonzi was killed.

Wakti.

Her name was Wakti.

And Farson died too,

along with like 20 other people,

right in front of us.

I don't know what you've been doing,

but I've never seen anyone die before.

I really just want you to not be here.

After I heard you scream on the phone,

everything I've done,

everything,

has been to try to rescue you.

I don't know why I called you.

I was panicking. I'm sorry I did that.

I didn't mean to make me
your responsibility.

You're my sister.

And?

I mean, what, you thought
that you finding me

would somehow make everything fine?

We are still not okay,

and now we've been captured
by cartoon people

in an alternate dimension.

What do you think has changed?

I have pararibulitis.

What?

I got my first attack
the day you called for help,

and it's been happening ever since.

Are you for real right now?

I took it like a message.

It-it meant that I...

I couldn't give up, no matter what.

I just wanted to make things
right with you.

I thought if I found Dirk,

and I found you,

then everything would...

I don't even know,

work out?

Get normal life back.

[LAUGHS]

Why is that so funny?

Look at where you are.

Didn't you say you
came here through a bed?

I mean, like, you were
ranting at those guys a lot,

but I'm pretty sure
I heard you say "flying car,"

"purple people eater," and "love spell."

What...

do you want to go back
to working at the hotel?

Todd, your normal life is over.

[DOOR OPENS]

Why are we here?

This is the only
safe room in the facility.

Okay, so...

Project Lamia is a person,

or an entity,

called Mona Wilder.

She's a variable physical non-constant.

Like a...

a shape-shifter.

Yes.

But no.

It's more like she can become anything,

but once she changes,

she begins to forget
who she was originally,

and it takes a bit of a nudge
to bring her back.

She's... most comfortable
as inanimate objects.

When they brought her in,

she'd been a chair for six years.

Are you saying...

Okay...

what are you saying?

- [CLICKS OPEN LAPTOP]
- Watch this.

There it is. See it?

This is from the same night
Dirk Gently disappeared.

That toy's eye color changed
when it interacted with Dirk.

And again,

eye color changes,

right before Amanda Brotzman
and Incubus 4 vanished.

You think Mona is the doll.

Yes.

[LAUGHING] Yeah!

Okay.

The book says

control the pool, the kingdom,

the whole world, will be mine.

You stupid things,

show me how it works.

[TOOTING SADLY]

Fine.

I'll do it myself.

Same way I do everything,
I'll just do it mysel...

[SCREAMS] Ow!

[BEEPING]

Tingles.

[CACKLES WICKEDLY]

[EVIL LAUGHTER]

[♪♪♪]

Oi!

Who's back there?

I can see you.

Now, come over here
and give us a hand, will you?

Top o' the mornin' to you, Guvna.

I be being a normal man
of this place 'ere.

Ahoy, y'all!

It's past noon, ya hoopty frood.

Give us a hand, will ya?
Make yourself useful.

Well, that look like a, uh,
a normal thing to me, compadre.

[BLUFFING IN SPANISH] _

[LAUGHS] Damn right.

- [LAUGHING ALONG]
- Gonna be some good separations today.

Snip snap!

Oh...

Don't mind my asking, but, um...

what's it for?

Bring justice to a pair of witchakookoos.

Foreign types,

Trost spies.

Word is

they're brother and sister,

claim to be from another world.

It's all farty butt-talk, if you ask me.

Brother and sister...

[MOCKING] "Brother and sister."

Uh...

[METAL RINGING]

Who be ye the hand of?

The Trosts...

or The Mage?

We know they are working together.

I told you, we don't work for anybody.

How did ye come to work with the Trosts?

What were those terrible
weapons they wielded?

And where is Panto now?

I met Panto back in my world,

but I have no idea where he is now.

And that hardly counts
as knowing the guy,

or any of the... pink-haired people.

And those things that they were holding,

they're called "guns."

They're from our world.

You keep saying "your world"

as though we're supposed to believe it.

You think you're the only ones

having a hard time

believing this is happening?

I did not sign up

for some kind of murdery
acid-trip ren-fair nightmare.

This is weird for us too!

[AMANDA]: Todd!

You're Farson's mom,

right?

Yeah, I'm sorry for your loss.

I knew Farson.

He was a great person,

but you're wrong
about what happened to him.

He wasn't kidnapped by the Trosts.

Farson told me he ran away from home

because of all the fighting
between the two families.

But he got captured by those
asshole Kellum Knights,

who then spread the rumor
that it was the Trosts

who kidnapped him.

They knew that
that would piss you guys off

and distract you from the real problem.

Their army is coming here.

This is your chance to do
what Farson would've wanted.

Make peace with the Trosts,

and maybe me, and him, and Dirk Gently

can help you save your people before...

Enough!

No more lies.

What did they say?

Execute them both.

Bergsberg Sheriff's department!

We're armed, make yourself known!

[FROG CROAKS]

[CROAKING]

[SUZIE'S VOICE ON TELEVISION]
...you sit there, Bob,

and rot...

Time and space are no longer obstacles.

I'm powerful...

I am beautiful!

What kind of trippy crap is this?

You sit there, Bob.

You sit there and rot...

Bob?

Hey...

Hey, bud, you in there?

Jesus, Farah, are those pins?

Time and space are no longer obstacles.

What is wrong with him?

...well, now I am going to be a queen!

Farah?

A queen who rules all!

Farah...

The TV's not plugged in.

...prophecy of The Mage...

This is not good, this is not good...

You don't think they're actually
gonna kill us, right?

Wait... Don't swallow it.

What? Why?

Listen, pararibulitis
works different here.

Wakti was teaching me
how to weaponize my attacks.

Maybe you could do it too.

Well, okay, but I swallowed it, so...

I want you to hit me right now.

What? No!

Ah! What the...

I have gotten too used to this.

I'm too good at controlling my attacks.

Hit me,

maybe we could trigger one,

and I can use it to get us out of here.

Okay, look, I'm not going to hit you...

Ow! Stop it!

No.

Ah!

That's really starting to hurt now.

Ah!

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry...

Ah, I'm so sorry.

Nothing.

Ah! Jesus!

This is like...

[LAUGHING] Orlando!

Orlando!

We were in that car
for, like, nine hours.

I can't believe you remember that.

You were, like, a baby...
You always say that.

I was, like, seven years old.

[LAUGHING]

You know what's really crazy?

What?

Oh!

[LAUGHING]

- Ow!
- [LAUGHING]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Okay.

I don't think this is gonna work.

[IMPATIENT SQUAWKING]

[SIGHS IN EXASPERATION]

Her cardio has got to be legendary.

[SNARLS IN EXCITEMENT]

[YELPS]

[BUCKETS CLATTERING]

Aah!

[SNARLING]

[SIGHS WEARILY]

Why is your hair black?

Oh, uh, it's, like, a disguise,

a crappy disguise.

Farah and I were on the run for months.

Did anything happen between you guys?

Yeah, actually.

What?

How?

She is so out of your league.

Um, hey, you're the one
who drove off in a van

with a bunch of drunk
magic homeless dudes.

What, you think that...

No, absolutely not.

The Rowdy 3, they're like a whole
different type of thing.

I was just worried about you.

You know you hurt me, right?

You were my hero.

How do I get my brother back?

'Cause I want him back.

But I look at you, and, like...

do I even know this person?

I'm sorry.

I'm trying.

Well, we're gonna die
in about an hour, so...

try harder.

[CHUCKLING RUEFULLY]

...you sit there, Bob.

Oh, God.

...you sit there and... rot.

What do you think is wrong with him?

I think he's in some kind of trance.

I am beautiful!

And I think

the TV is doing it to him.

I am going to be a queen!

What, like, some kinda magical... TV?

Okay, okay, yeah, sure.

Help me get him out of here.

Okay, let's go.

Hello, ladies.

Can he see us?

Yes, indeed I can.

Lucky me!

Unfortunately, I'm already elsewhere.

The face you see here is just a spell,

a curse, in fact.

I understand if you're confused.

There's so little magic in your world.

You're The Mage.

You gave Suzie the wand.

My, aren't we a sharp knife?

Someone's been paying attention.

We'd like to have a word with her.

Oh, [CHUCKLING] I'm sure you would.

Unfortunately, Suzie has
already gone to Wendimoor.

I have decided that
that world is no longer worthy

of my attention.

I hope you don't mind if I excuse myself.

In fact, I'm going to excuse
both of you, too.

[THUNDERCLAP] Kill them, Bob.

- Oh, my God!
[SUZIE]: Kill them, Bob!

Kill them, Bob!

[MAGE]: Kill them, Bob.

Kill! Kill!

Kill! Kill! Kill!

[MAGE]: Both of them.

[SUZIE]: Kill! Kill! Kill!

Mr. Boreton, I don't want
to have to kill you...

[BOB ROARING]

[GLASS SHATTERING]

[SUZIE]: Kill them, Bob!

[CHOKING AND GASPING]
- [MAGE]: Kill them, Bob.

Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!

Kill! Kill! Kill!

[MAGE]: Both of them...

[RIFLE BLASTS]

[GASPING FOR BREATH]

[♪♪♪]

Aah!

It's that British guy
from the thing the other time!

You?

You are gonna hate your situation!

Get away from me!

[SHRIEKING]

Whoa! Whoa...

[SHOUTING]

What is that?

[SNARLING]

[GROWLING AND SHOUTING]

Listen, listen...

Listen... Stop, no...

No...

[SHOUTING AND SNARLING]

I am...

I have never hit anyone before,

and...

Oh, I do not know what to do now.

And-and to you, Beast,

I am sorry.

I have been rude.

I have become a violent...
young... or youngish, man...

and my face feels very hot,

and my hand might actually be broken,

and so...

Don't hit me?

We're looking for the boss?

Little guy with black hair.

Amanda.

Amanda has been captured.

She and her brother are captured,

and they are going to be executed.

Yeah, well, we'll have to
get the drummer outta that

lickity-split.

All right, boys, let's go kick some ass.

[CROSS]: Ha ha! Let's go beat
the crap outta everybody!

[GRIPPS]: Yeah, I love beatin' up crap...

No, no, wait, listen to me!

You don't even know where they are.

There are too many people

for you to try and rescue
Amanda and Todd alone.

You're risking their lives, and your own.

So?

You got a better idea?

Yes. Yes, actually, I do.

I have a plan.

[GRUNTS IN EXCITEMENT]

Good.

Ow!

Okay, this guy's in charge.

♪ Mr. Sandman bring me a dream ♪

♪ Make her the cutest
that I've ever seen ♪

♪ Give her two lips of roses and clover ♪

♪ And tell her that her
lonely nights are over ♪

♪ Sandman ♪

♪ Mr. Sandman bring me a dream ♪

Where is The Mage?

Huh.

Where... is... The Mage?

Huh.

Uh, you keep getting louder and louder,

and it ain't changing his answer.

Can I try somethin'?

Okay.

Hey, Bob, you know me, right?

Huh.

Um...

Okay, so what we're gonna do is

we're gonna play tequila-talk, okay?

You know what that means?

That means if you want to say "yes,"

you just make a noise,

and then to say "no," you just...

Sound good?

Huh.

Did your wife do this to you?

Huh.

Is she coming back from Wendimoor?

Is that a... I mean...

No, no, no, it's working,
that was a "no."

She's not coming back.

Okay. Is The Mage still here?

Huh.

Oh, good. Good job, man.

Okay, wh-what is he doing?

Okay, Bob,

Bob, buddy, I really, really,

really need your help, okay?

The sheriff is missing, and we don't...

Huh.

What? What did you just say "yes" to?

Do you know where Hobbs is?

Huh.

- Oh.
- Okay.

Tina...

Okay...

[SIGHS]

Bob... look at me.

Okay. I need you to remember
that drunk and disorderly

where I looked the other way.

I just caught Scott with weed,

I didn't even so much
as write him a ticket.

I just took the drugs.

'Cause I'm a good friend.

Okay, I need you
to do something for me now.

I need you to reach deep down inside

and do one thing for me, okay, man?

Because I've been there.
I have been so out of it

that I didn't know what was going on,

but I did it, I reached through,

I found words,

I need you to do the same, please.

Hobbs is in trouble, he needs our help.

He's your friend too.

Please, just find the words.

Are you...

Are you...

K...

wor..

Eee...

Quarry?

Did you just say "quarry"?

- Huh.
- [GASPS] Oh!

Hobbs is at the quarry!

Good work, officer!

[LAUGHS IN RELIEF]

Hey, Todd?

I just...

I'm scared.

Me too.

Here comes the queen!

Good people of Inglenook!

You have lived
under the dark cloud of war

for far too long.

But do not be fooled!

The true threat to our lives

lays with the uncivilized Trosts...

[CROWD ROARS] Yes!

...and those magical creatures
they consort with in the woods.

But do not fret...

the chaos ends today!

[CHEERING]

[REVERSE ALERTS BEEPING]

Yeah! [LAUGHING]

Hell, yeah! Come on!

[GROWLING AND LAUGHING]

Let's rage, gingerbread!

I have no idea what's going on here!

[LAUGHING]

Take a picture! We're big heroes!

Looks like a nice place to wreck, boys!

- Yeah!
- Whoo!

[LAUGHING AND ROARING]

Go! Get them!

Sorry for the inconvenience.

[TODD LAUGHING IN DELIGHT]

Oh, my god!

'Lo dere.

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMING]

[SCISSORS SNIP]

I knew you'd show up!

You did?

I accepted it as a possibility, yeah.

Oh, good!

[LAUGHING]

Halt!

I order you to surrender.

Silas, we're on your side!

You put your hands on my mother!

I won't let you do this.

I have to be brave.

No.

It is I who am the...
have to be being the brave one.

En garde, sir!

I got him on the butt!

[BLOW LANDS]

No, no, no, no...

Ooh, no, no, no...

[SCREAMS]

I got you on the arm!

You have to give up now,
because I got you on the...

- [SLASHING]
- [SCREAMS] Ow!

- Shit!
- Dirk!

Dirk?

Are you Dirk Gently?

Hi.

Silas!

Quickly!

[SHRIEKING]

Boys! [WHISTLES]

[CHEERING]

Beast! Beast!

Beast! Beast! Come on!

[LAUGHING AND JEERING]

Wigofenz!

Wigofenz.

Oh good, you're awake.

I've been informed
you're Panto's boyfriend,

and as I always say,

any boyfriend of Panto's

is someone I might meet
in another dimension.

Are you really Dirk Gently?

He really is.

I really, really just so am,

and I have just
one question for you, Silas,

how long has the feud
between your two families

been going on?

Three generations,

since the beginning of time.

[SIGHS]

Wait, since the beginning of time,

or three generations?

Both.

Because for this place,

the beginning of time
is three generations ago.

- You solved the case.
- Oh, my god, I forgot to tell you,

I solved the case. Ha!

May I?

- Yes, please.
- Yeah, obviously.

In the 1950s in the town of Bergsberg,

a family named the Cardenases,

with one son, Arnold,

were shocked

when they discovered a baby in a boat

in the middle of nowhere.

[BABY CRYING]

Then, out of the kindness of their heart,

they took in this baby boy,

but bad call, arguably,

because it turns out
this baby had, stay with me,

godlike reality-warping powers

that activated whenever he fell asleep,

basically his dreams would come true,

but in a bad, scary way,
not a beautiful inspiring one.

All the weirdness The Boy
was causing in Bergsberg

attracted the attention
of a government agency,

the predecessor to Blackwing.

This, of course, was stressful
for the Cardenases,

who didn't know how to handle
The Boy's powers,

and were arguing with each other already

over whether or not to sell the farm

to the Kellum Corporation.

I can't believe I'm able to follow this.

Kellum... named for The Mage Kellum?

Hmm, not quite.

I don't understanding anything

that's happening here,

and I love it.

I love Bibbit.

Tensions in the Cardenas house rose

until they finally exploded.

She came home with a new car,
having agreed to sell the farm,

they argued,

and, gasp, Marina Cardenas
killed her husband

with a pair of scissors.

Very bad move, for multiple reasons,

but mainly because The Boy freaked out

and retreated into a dream-state,

launching his mother into the sky,

putting his father inside a tree

on the farm he loved so much, and...

Is there, like, a whole
new case going on?

The case is the same case
as we're in now,

which to you, is new.

See, after their parents were dead,

that left Arnold, the older brother,

alone with The Boy.

Arnold was understandably traumatized

after losing both his parents,

so he called the number

the government agency had given them,

and turned The Boy in.

That's what Arnold must've
been trying to tell us,

the thing he feared
never being forgiven for,

betraying his brother.

Ding!

But... a wrinkle.

The stress of being taken away
by the men in black

made The Boy try to use his power

at a scale he never had before.

He tried to make his fantasy real.

The mural...

He created Wendimoor,

an entire dimension, in an instant,

with its own people, its own magic,

from The Boy's own mind.

So...

all of us here are just...

figments of a scared child's mind?

No!

No, no, you are real people,

with real lives.

The Boy's waking dream was like...

the Big Bang that created this universe.

The sheer power of that creation

caused an energy surge...

that was the '67 Event...

and threw The Boy himself into a coma,

leading this world
to fall slowly into chaos

without its rightful ruler,

which it has done and will continue to do

until The Boy is returned here.

Done!

Did it!

I'm making it a thing.

Did it!

This nerdy bullshit

sounds exactly like
the kind of nerdy bullshit

I'd expect you to be involved in.

[ROWDY 3 GRUNTING IN AGREEMENT]

Wait, so who is Suzie Boreton?

Well. Listen.

I don't know, Todd,

you've got the one thing
I don't know there,

but listen, I hate her so much...

Wait, so how does any of this help us?

Because I know who,
and, more importantly,

where The Boy is.

He's Project Moloch.

He's in Blackwing.

He's been there the whole time.

Wakti...

Oh, my god, Wakti,

she said that she had
a friend in Blackwing,

and that she was able to look there.

Mona Wilder!

That was Mona Wilder!

We can...

You're saying

we can fulfill the Prophecy.

You could return The Boy
and save Wendimoor!

Yes.

If we could get to Blackwing, sure,

that's where The Boy is,

but...

Drummer can do that!

What? You? You can get us into Blackwing?

I mean, I literally
learned how to do that

yesterday, but...

Todd...

Todd!

Everything is connected.

[LAUGHING]

[EVIL CACKLING]

Yes.

Everything is connected.

Stay close to me.

Right.

That's Hobbs' car.

That's The Mage.

What's he doing?

[SIZZLING]

[COCKS RIFLE]

[SIZZLING]

We are going to have so much fun.