Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (2016–2017): Season 2, Episode 7 - That Is Not Miami - full transcript

♪♪

♪♪

Oh, my God.

Not again...

Marina!

Marina!

Marina!

Marina!

He's having a nightmare!

Tell him
to get rid of it!

Tell him now!



Make it go away!

Or... dream it into
something nice.

Die, you son of a...

♪ One-eyed, one-horned
flying Purple People Eater ♪

Make. It. Go. Away!

♪ One-eyed, one-horned
flying Purple People Eater ♪

♪♪

♪♪
*DIRK GENTLY'S
Holistic Detective Agency*
Season 02 Episode 07
Title: "That is not Miami"

Shakes'n'rumble!

Afeared!

What? Are we...?

We're not dead.
I don't think we're dead.

I can't believe that worked!

Dirk, are you okay?



Define "okay."

Oh...

Holy shit! Dirk!

We're in Wendimoor!

This is incredible!

It's not Wendimoor.

What?

Yes, it is. Why?

It was a portal, Todd,
we could be anywhere.

This could be Miami,
for all you know.

There's a giant magical moon
in the sky.

Do you see
the giant magical moon?

This is not Miami!

Stop yelling
about Miami, Todd.

What other kind of
castley fairyland

could this possibly be?
You're jumping to

- extra-dimensional conclusions.
- I'm jumping...

You went from Blackwing

to the trunk of a car
in Bergsberg...

Again, domestic travel.

Oh, my God, dude,
we are in another dimension.

Let's go.

If this is Miami,

I'll buy you whatever
drink they're known for.

Where exactly do you think
you're going, Todd?

What, pray tell,
is your plan?

The Boy is dead.

I was to find The Boy,

and I did,

and I got him killed.

Along with all those people
at the hospital.

That wasn't your fault.

Suzie Boreton
was looking for me.

If I hadn't been there,
no one would've been hurt.

You don't know that.

Same with Blackwing.

They're hunting me,

and that man, Mr. Priest,

I've met him before, Todd.

He kills people.

And we've had to leave
Farah behind.

- Who knows what'll happen...
- Farah will be fine.

But what if she's not?

What if we lose her,
and Tina, like Hobbs?

You know,
you're so obsessed

with finding your sister

you are ignoring
the obvious facts

right in front of you.

And what are those?

That all of this is my fault.

Every move I make
puts people in danger.

Look, I get it.

- I'm scared too.
- I never said "scared."

I said I get
people killed,

I leave a trail
of dead people.

The case is over.

The boy is dead.

What if Arnold isn't The Boy?

What if The Boy
is here in Wendimoor?

You have to keep
trying, Dirk.

Without The Boy,
this whole world falls apart,

and we're currently in it, so...

Look, hey,
what if I'm The Boy?

You're not The Boy,

you're just a guy named Todd
whose life I ruined.

Can't you see

it's all nonsense?

I have no clue
what's going on.

What the hell does
a Purple People Eater

have to do
with an evil wizard,

and what has
any of that

got to do
with Mona Wilder?

How am I supposed
to put that together?

How am I supposed to bring
The Boy to Wendimoor

if I'm already in Wendimoor?

I thought you said
this was Miami.

I have blown this,
like I blow everything!

Wrong, wrong, wrong!

And then I end up alone!

Ha!

I quit.

W... you what?

I quit being a detective.

Ha! Ha!

You know, I'm just
going to sit right here

and do nothing else.

I will not be a participant
in any more...

In any...

I can't do any more.

You know what, Dirk?

I put finding my sister on hold

because you promised me

solving your case
would get us to her.

And you were right,
by the way.

She's out there somewhere!

This will all connect,

I truly believe that.

Friendship isn't just about
someone being there for you.

It about you being there
for them too.

I'm sorry they didn't
teach you that at Blackwing,

but you need to stand up,

and let's go.

I am sick of pep-talking you
into your own bullshit.

For once in my life,
I don't quit.

I'll solve this one on my own.

I can't do anything right.

Uh...

I beg your pardon?

Wha...?

What did you see?

Just more death.

The families,

the Dengdamors, the Trosts,
they're killing each other.

We have to do something.

Amanda, listen,

what you see is just
one possible future.

I saw Farson's family dying.

You don't even
care about that?

There are greater things
to fear than death.

I don't get you.

You talk
about this world

like it doesn't
matter.

If The Boy returns,

then he will repair

everything
that has gone wrong.

If he does not,
then...

then we will all die.

You and your friends can leave
at any time.

You think I'm just
gonna leave you

and everyone here to die,

and just go back home

and pretend like
everything's fine?

Who do you think I am?

Listen to me...

No, you listen
to me, Wakti.

We can help people.

I can fix this.

Wendimoor is just
a small piece

of something bigger.

There is a war coming
in your world,

a war for all reality,

between order...

and chaos.

People like you,

the ones connected
to something deeper,

must unite.

You are the one
who will unite them.

Okay, I appreciate everything

you have done for me, but...

I'll come back.

Okay?

I just can't let people die.

Amanda...

when you return to your world,

you must gather the tools.

The universe
is broken,

and only you can fix it.

Hey, Farson.
Let's go.

You're going home,
like, now.

No, no, no, I ran
away for a reason.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, listen,

you running away
made things worse.

You were right
about The Mage.

There's an army coming.

You have powers.
Why don't you go stop the army?

'Cause, low-key,
I suck with my powers.

"Low-key?"
What's that?

Farson, let's not
get wrapped up

with the wording here.

I see death.

Lots of it.

I know that
you don't like

what's going on
with your family,

but you can't just
run away forever.

It's easy to just hide out

and hope that your problems
will go away.

I for sure get that impulse.

But then that gives your problem
all of the power.

You know what I mean?

If you don't let me
take you home,

I think something
really bad will happen.

♪♪

Family...

is the most
important thing we have,

and this family
is under siege

by the Trosts.

They kidnapped
and murdered my son,

Farson,

just the most recent
in this decades-long conflict

where we have all,
all of us,

lost loyal allies and friends.

So, the Dengdamors will do

what we have done
for three generations...

We will stand our ground

in defense
of this magnificent place.

We will not be scared away
by mud-flinging peasants!

No!

We will protect our own!

Yes!

Gather our finest warriors!

- Yes! - Yes!
- Yes! - Yes!

Death to the Trosts!

What now, Silas?

I'm sending a message
to Litzibitz Trost.

I need to warn her
and her family

if an attack is coming.

Silas... I swore to your father
that I would protect you.

I love you
like me own son,

but this...

This?

This be too much.

You betray your family.

Panto told me
the Trosts didn't take Farson,

much less kill him.

He must be out there somewhere.

My mother won't listen.

It's up to me
to make this right.

This is
our only hope now.

Unless the prophecy
is fulfilled.

Prophecy?

You trust that Forest Witch
over your own mother?

Come on, now, Silas,
wake up from this dream.

What about Panto?

What if he finds Dirk Gently?

- What if he brings...
- Your boy Panto

has been gone
for days now.

You must come alive
to the facts.

There is no other world.

No one be coming to save us.

♪♪

Amanda!

Amanda!

Amanda!

Amanda!

The train...?

It's all real.

This is crazy now.

This was a terrible plan.

Amanda!

The bridge.

What is it?

Is that a Dengdamor
messenger parrot?

It's a letter
from Silas Dengdamor.

He wants to meet.

You're not serious.

He's a Dengdamor.

Even if he is smooching
your brother,

you can't trust him.

Silas is as scared
of bloodshed as we are.

He says he knows The Mage's
men are in the valley.

Shh, quiet.

Litzibitz...

where were you this morning?

I'm trying to lead
our people into battle,

and my eldest child can't bother
to show her face?

Father, we don't need
to go to war.

We have other options.

Go to war?

We are already at war.

Our fields are scorched,

Panto is dead, or worse...

You don't know
that Panto is dead.

If we could just talk
to the Dengdamors,

- then... may be...
- Oh, we'll talk to them.

What's that?

Sorry,
can't hear you,

'cause you're dead!

Come now, Litzibitz.

Your brother is gone.

Will you not fight
in his name?

You are being a bobo fool!

How dare you call your father
a bobo fool.

You're the bobo.

Let's go.

Oo been sleetzin.

Yoo mah boyfre now.

We gon liv togazar
uppa foritz

ima wats yoo get ol'
an' bootaful.

Sorry, this-this
this is a lot

for the first date,
and I...

Ware yoo go-ey
ya stupid baboon?

- Uh...
- Oomah boyfre now, isnin'?

Ah, yes,
that sounded very much

like you just used
the word "boyfriend," and...

We frens
inta wood now,

talka beastie,
no scares...

Listen, I'm having
one of those emotions

where,

how to put this,

I'm actively regretting
every decision

that brought me
to this moment of life.

Lov-ooom.

Oh, God.

Borga.
Good chewa tum.

Mmm, okay, I...

So...

Right.

So...
So this is a hamburger

that grew on a...

a vine.

Borgabush!

Ah! Fend now.

Shutsie, beauty boy.

- Listen, perhaps...
- Shutsie shutsie, beauty boy!

This is actually really good.

Ow! Why?

Boyfre.

You... name...

- "Bibbit."
- Bibbi...

A-ha!

Amanda!

Come on, Amanda...?

Whoa!
Ah!

I-I've seen this!

Oh, shit.
It's empty.

How is this getting worse?

Ah! What is this?

Ow!

Get off, man!

Have you ever seen
something like this before?

No...

and his clothes
be strange, too.

I have never seen
anything like this

in my travels.

I can explain
everything.

Then explain
why we found you

in a Kellum
Knight camp.

I can't explain that.

But I can explain...

Shit, what can I explain?

You're in league
with The Mage.

You're one of his Square Boy
Kellum thugs!

No, no, no,
don't like The Mage,

don't like him or his guys,

that much
I am totally clear on,

big anti-Mage guy here,

uh, I'm not a...

a Square Boy?

I'm a...
I'm a house boy!

I'm-I'm not a house boy, I...

I came through the house.

The bed in the house
is where I came through,

in Mon... tana?

We're all...

We're all... It's...

It's all chill, man.

I see.

It makes sense now.

He be madman.

No, no, I can show you.

I can show you, back in the...

the ruins?

You guys know the ruins?

Dirk's back there,
I can show you to him.

Dirk?

Did you say "Dirk"?

Like Dirk Gently?

- Yes.
- What?

He's here, in Wendimoor?

Yes.

He's here in Wendimoor?

Yeah.
Dirk Gently is here!

Woo!

That's what
you sound like.

You don't know
what it's like,

back with my mother.

There's constantly talk
of attacks,

of retaliation, of war...

All families
have issues, dude.

You'll be fine.

In fact, you'll be
a Goddamn hero.

Not just a hero,

but The Hero.

Like, the guy, when you tell
this story of this old feud

that went on for years.

It all ended because
of Farson Dengdamor.

That's, like, legendary,
literally.

I don't care about that stuff.

I just...

I want peace.

Best of both worlds,

peace, and you get to be
the rock star.

Why not do both?

Don't move!

I guarantee
whatever you're mad about

has nothing to do with us.

You're in the Trost Woods,
trespasser.

This is our home, dumbo.

"Dumbo"? Really?

You're Litzibitz Trost,
aren't you?

You're Farson Dengdamor.

You're alive?

Seems that way,
doesn't it?

My family's been accused
of your murder.

See? It's a big
misunderstanding.

You can put
the scissors away...

Did you take him?

Do you work for The Mage?

Slow down, Comic-Con,
I'm just trying to help.

She didn't take me.
She saved me.

We want to make peace.

I'm on my way
to meet your brother.

Silas?

See? This is all sort of
kind of working out, maybe?

You're coming with us.

I don't want to hurt you,

but any false moves,

snip snap.

Let's go.

We're going to
meet your brother.

It's gonna be fine.

Puh fo' her,

and toh der...

toh fo six haer now.

Tooki boty, wow!

Yes?

Of course, darling,
that sounds wonderful.

Ah...

Boyfre te Bibbit.

Yes, that's me now.

I'm "Bibbit."

This is my life.

I guess it makes sense.

You and I will have...

puppies,
or whatever you have,

and I'll just...
live in the woods

like a uniquely elegant,
macho lumber man.

I suppose there's
worse things.

You know what's frustrating

is that I never
got ahead of this one.

I was always
three steps behind.

Oh... iz okey.

And you know, it's funny,

because normally,

no matter
how off the road I go,

no matter what goes wrong,

I end up at least vaguely
near a clue.

Bibbit saz?

Howt Bibbit unsaz?

I can't help but think
I missed something somewhere.

I finally had everyone
on my side this time, too,

and I couldn't even
get out of my own way.

I never even got to see
the boat in the field

Todd and Farah
were talking about....

Buhtena fela?

- Mmm.
- Dah wun?

What?

Bibbit bihbowt.

Is that...

the boat from Bergsberg?

Olthing
fum webeckwen.

Another mural?

You know Panto?

You know Panto?

Where is he?
Is he all right?

He's fine,
he's back in our world,

safe and sound.

He's the one who told us
about the Prophecy and The Mage.

He's the one who found you,
then why isn't he here?

My heart absolutely aches
every moment he's away.

If you've done anything
to hurt him...

Wait, are you guys a thing?

Careful what
you tell him, Silas.

He could be spy.

Panto and I are very much
in love,

though our families are at war.

Okay, great.

Let's go find Dirk.

And, Dirk, that guy?

He'll explain everything.

That we shall.

But... first,
I must keep a promise.

We're going to meet
Panto's sister.

I'll explain on the way.

This is what
happened to them.

This is what happened
in Bergsberg.

You didn't draw this,
did you?

Binder fivevoh.

Been here...

"forever..."

So, the boat...

and...

That must be Arnold.

Wait...

another boy.

There are two boys.

There were two
Cardenas brothers?

There were
two different paintings

of two different boys

in the house within a house.

If there were two boys,

then maybe Todd was right.

Maybe Arnold
wasn't The Boy at all.

Of course I had no idea
what was going on.

Look at it.

Nothing links them.

I'm missing something.

What am I missing?

Heppy?

Bibbit heppy?

Oh, yes, darling.

So, you guys like...

What do you guys like?

Someone approaches.

He was meant
to come alone.

As were you.

It's well I didn't.

Litzibitz Trost!

Silas Dengdamor!

That's my brother!

Shut your yap
until we know it's safe.

I apologize
for our tardiness.

We were waylaid.

It in no way reflects
my respect for your time

and your good grace
in coming here.

Todd?

Amanda?

That's my sister.

- How did you get here?
- Where's Dirk?

Seriously?

Seriously, "Where's Dirk?"

There's no way you came
to fairyland without him, so...

- How are you here?
- How are you here?

- I fell through a bed.
- I went through a bathtub.

- A what?
- A bathtub!

Wait, did you just say "bed"?

A literal bathtub?

Where is Dirk?

He's here somewhere.

Who are those people?

You lost Dirk?

Silence,
both of you!

My mother readies for war.

My father as well.

If our families
cannot work together,

The Mage and his army
will destroy us all.

I can persuade her
to make concessions,

but someone in your family
must answer

for the disappearance
of my brother, Farson.

I'm here!

Silas, I'm here!

Farson?

There he is!
Come on...

If you didn't
kidnap Farson,

why do you have him now?

We don't.

Well, he's there.

I ran away,

and I was taken
by the Kellum Knights.

I'm so sorry, Silas.

Where's Panto?

He's safe!

Wait...

how do YOU know Panto?

He's in Bergsberg!

You WERE in Bergsberg!

He found Dirk.

Wait, you were in Bergsberg?

Hold on!

Dirk Gently?

The man from
the Prophecy?

He exists?

He definitely does!

And this man, Toad,
says he can take us to him.

Panto has always believed

in finding Dirk Gently,

in saving this world.

We did not take him,
Litzibitz.

I love Panto,

and our only desire
is to unite our families,

and end all this crumminess!

We can work

to fulfill
the Prophecy!

We can save the valley,
and all of Wendimoor!

Do not dare
release that boy.

Father,
you followed me?

You betrayed
your family.

These people have guns!

Why do they have guns?

That's bad,
that's very bad.

What do we do?

This could be a trap.

It absolutely
is, you fool!

And you've walked
right into it.

Wygar, you told her
we were coming here?

I had to protect you.

It's the Dengdamors.

See, girl?

I knew it was a trap!

Dengdamors...!

All right!

Listen to me, all of you!

You are clearly
being played, okay?

This is supposed to be
a fairy tale!

You're all supposed to be living
in, like, happy land!

You're not supposed to be
killing each other

for no reason!

Farson,

tell them.

It's true!

There can still be peace.

The Mage's armies are coming.

He sent these weapons

so we might
slaughter one another,

making his job easier.

Can't you see?

He wants us divided.

But Wakti Wapnasi says that
if we can trust one another,

if we can work together...

then everything will be...

Farson! No!
No!

Kill them all!

Fulfill the prophecy before...

Litzibitz, no!

No!

Amanda!

We have to find
Wakti Wapnasi, okay?

She'll be able to fix this.

I can get us back.

I just need to follow the river.

No, no, I'm gonna
get us out of here.

I'm going to find Dirk
and get us out of here.

What?

You want to leave?

Yes, obviously.

We-we can't.

This whole place
is about to get wiped out.

We have to find Wakti.

Is that a person, or...?
Look, no, Amanda,

we're getting out of Wendimoor,

or whatever this place is.

We're gonna find Dirk, and...

Wh... Amanda!

Amanda!

♪ Little creatures ♪

♪ little creatures... ♪

♪ Out to see the Queen... ♪

Hello, friend.

Hi.

Hi.

I don't believe
that we've met.

I'm going to be queen

here in Wendimoor.

Yeah.

The Mage, well, he quit,

but, you know,

me, I'm...

I'm not a quitter.

See, um, this book,

it says that you are
the only other magical person

in this world,

so I'm afraid that I'm going
to have to evict you

and the rest
of the Treasure Trolls

from toilet village!

I know you must feel
very powerful right now...

but you will feel small again.

Yeah, well...

I think it would be smarter

for you and your little friends

to kneel

before your new ruler!

Aw...

I'm not afraid of you.

Toros!

Amanda!

Amanda...

This is bad.

Something's happening.
We need to go help.

But wait!

Wakti...?

Suzie Boreton...

This was Suzie Boreton.

She could be anywhere.
We can't stay here.

I shouldn't have left.

I should've been here.

These people needed me.

Farson told me they had been
waiting for Dirk for years.

They need us to help!

They don't seem very
helpable, by us, okay?

I need you, Amanda.

- I came here to get you...
- No, you came here for you.

Out of guilt.

I sacrificed everything
to be here.

I came here to try
and fix things between us.

Can't you see
how dangerous this is?

Do you think
I'm four years old?

Do you think I am somehow
under the impression

that this place is safe?

It's not our job
to save these people.

Amanda,
I know this sounds stupid,

but there's, like, a good chance
that this is all just a drawing.

A drawing.

A drawing...

I'm not going to leave
everyone to die

because I'm worried
about myself.

That can be your thing.

It's not mine.

It's good to see you, Todd.

Go away.

The wide worlder.

Witchakookoo
of the wood,

you betray us.

You betray all of us!

No, look, I can explain.

No, man,

you're gonna listen to me.
This isn't my fault...

They killed your brother.

While you stood there watching.

The Trosts
are animals.

Worse than animals.

They said...

Dirk Gently was here.

They said...

What is wrong with you?

They killed your brother
in front of your eyes.

Where is your love?

Your honor,
your loyalty?

You would wilt and cower

at the mention
of what I would do,

what I have done,

to protect you.

Farson wished for peace...

And I wish
they'd shot you instead.

There will be blood.

Much more blood.

It has come to pass
just as The Mage foretold.

Hello, boys!

Hi!

The Mage has left
your world to me.

I am his chosen successor,

and have taken his place
as your rightful queen.

What do you know
of The Mage?

Stand aside.

Judgey, judgey!

Stand down.

She holds
the apprentice's wand.

Pulchritudo ratzo agazai!

Much better.

Hail to The Mage.

No.

Hail to me.

The answer is here somewhere.

It's just...

disguised, presently.

I dunner witsez.

I'm missing something.
Right?

I'm missing something.

I'm forgetting
some obvious thing

that's been shown to me.

Mona Wilder
sent me to Bergsberg,

straight
to the Cardenas family...

Rest in trees...

And these pictures
look just like the ones

at the Cardenas house,

so The Boy must have
been there...

at some point.

At the hospital,

Arnold talked about the monster,

the other house,

the creation of a world,

but never mentioned a brother.

Does that mean
the brother-boy is here now?

He said they brought
something home from the boat.

Was that the brother?

The mural at the house

had The Boy on the throne
with those symbols,

and the bed in the house
sent me to the throne here,

so maybe The Boy,
Arnold's brother,

did the same thing.

When did The Boy get here?

Uh...

Maybe The Boy got lost
in Wendimoor ages ago,

and so he drew all this
himself?

- No, that's not it.
- Um.

Bibbit... luff...
te painty.

Those are "Z" s.

They're "Z"s, like,
"Zzz,"

and they...

Like-like "snore,"
you know, and-and...

Arnold said this was "going"
to be real.

He didn't say it "was" real.

Dreams...

This came from a dream.

The Boy could create things
while he was asleep.

He could make them real.

But maybe...

ever since
he created this place,

he-he he's been asleep,
or...

Solved it.

I am so sorry about this.

Wasdat?

Solved it!

I solved it!
Sync corrections by srjanapala

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