Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (2016–2017): Season 2, Episode 4 - The House Within a House - full transcript

How come you get the best part?

I killed it.

Be easier to hunt

if we had one of them fancy new weapons

like the Mage gave to the Trosts.

Aye.

Can I please have some food?

Shut it, boy!

Blasted bugaboos in the woods!

All sorts of weird creatures out here.

Why are we keeping him alive, anyway?



Those were the orders.

He's a Dengdamor!

They blame the Trosts.

Just as the Trosts blame the Dengdamors

for Pinkie Panto's disappearance.

Well, it holds true if the rat's
alive or dead, though.

The Mage's plan doesn't make any sense.

So... tell us,

what's your plan
for conquering Wendimoor?

Uh...

That's what I thought.

Nobody questions The Mage!

Nobody!

Come on, come on...



Aah!

What... What happened to the motel?

This...

What is this place?

Oh, man, Drummer, where are we?

We're somewhere else.

Oh...

Aaaaaaah!

I'm so stupid.

Magic real... Book...

Dang wand came from somewhere.

Now he's looking for me.

Mom! Open the door!

I can hear you in there!

What do you want?

I want my phone!

Just...

Just go away, please?

Why are you acting crazy?
I just want my...

Look, you're gonna get your phone back

when I give it back, you little asshole!

Stupid...

You won't take it away from me.

No...

It's mine now.

It's mine.

What up? Bergsberg Sheriff Department.

Oh...

That does sound like cause for concern.

We'll be right there.

Four members of
the Bergsberg County Book Club

are... missing.

I should probably investigate this.

Probably.

You want to come with, partner?

"Partner?"

Uh... It's just an expression.

What about them?

I thought the whole reason we slept here

was to keep an eye on the prisoners.

Right.

Ah, poop, okay, I forgot.

I mean... I do drugs.

Not now. Later.

We left her alone before
and she was fine.

Hobbs'll be here soon.

It's not like they can
just walk out of their cells.

Dirk?

Dirk?

Hobbs!

Sherlock, wake up.

Dirk's gone.

Gone?

Yeah. Not good.

I have an idea where he went.
Also, why is this here?

Oh, yeah.

I should probably admit that
into evidence, shouldn't I?

Hobbs! Yep.

Hey!

Hey, wake up.

I brought you some food.

I don't understand.

How did you get out?

Locks don't work on me.

And I was... I was hungry.

Can you open mine?

Sorry, it's locked.

You want a donut?

Thank you, noble lady.

Have you ever had Chinese food?

Ken gave me Chinese food once.

It's made of pigs.

Hmm.

You're a good person, Bart.

I am?

I'm a stranger in this world.

You're the first person
to show me kindness.

Yeah, well, it's just a donut.

So, uh, you're new to this place?

You're not one of them, huh?

You're from, like,
another state or something?

I'm a Baron Prince

from the Valley of Inglenook
in the Kingdom of Wendimoor.

That's just a bunch of noises.

Who the hell are you guys?
Why are you dressed like that?

Get off of me, assholes!

Screw off, you stupid dicks!

Get in there.

Hey! Dungeons and Dragons,

we didn't do anything to you!

We're supposed to detain
suspicious types, you wet rat.

I don't even know how I got here!

See how they're dressed?

They're more witchakookoo types

from the forest.

I'm not a witchakookoo.

I am a frickin' person, okay?

I'm a person!

And my friend here is hurt, and... and...

you can't just lock us up for no reason.

You can't.

Let Lord Badevil figure it out.

Hey, wait, where are you going?

Hey, where are you go...

Oh, God, I'm yelling...

I'm yelling at the...

the knights. I'm...

Goddamn it.

Ugh.

You're not from Wendimoor, are you?

No.

Then welcome, traveler.

My name is Farson Dengdamor.

Just stop.

Okay?

All of this...

Is that a unicorn? Oh, my God!

So, uh, listen,

I never got the chance to ask you,

how is your sister
wrapped up in all this?

She and I have the same disease.

It runs in the family.

Well, actually, she had it first.

Oh.

Well, I pretended to have it first,

and then she really got it,
and now I really have it.

Uh-huh.Okay.

You pretended to have the...

Y-Y-You pretend... Why would you...

I did some selfish things.

Things I now really, really regret.

Most of all, lying to Amanda.

Mm.

She wasn't happy when I told her.

That's, you know, uh,

karmically, that was
a good thing to do, I think,

although I suppose

you still did end up
with the disease, so...

Oof.

- Where... Where is she, then?
- I don't know.

The last time I saw her,
she told me to get lost

and then ran off with these
four insane guys

who were following Dirk.

Now with Blackwing after us...

Blackwing, that's
the top-secret government agency

that Dirk was talking about?

This is all my fault.

I brought her into all of this.

Okay.

You're okay.

It's okay.

He took my bike.

That's a heck of a long ride.

Dirk!

Here, take this just in case.

Dirk?

Dirk!

Maybe he's in the barn.

Yep. Okay, I'm gonna check upstairs.

Phone lines haven't run
to this house in 50 years.

Hello?

Todd!

Help me! I have really messed up.

I fell down some kind of hole.

What?

Where are you?
You're like, in the basement?

No.

It's not a basement.

Hey, you know when I said I wanted out,

I meant out of this room,
not just out of the cab.

Just tell me what's on those disks.

A lot.

Tens of thousands of pages of files.

You know the first
version of this program

was called "Black Book"?

Don't read it!

But last time you told me to read it...

- It's secret! No! No, no.
- All right...

Do you want me to decrypt this,

and then you'll read it, or...

No! I... Yeah, but, um...

Only the...

Okay, okay, just...

Is there anything in there
about disappearing?

Or people who can disappear?

Or people who can make
other people disappear?

Yes, actually,

there's about four different types...

You doing all right, man?
You look a bit agitated.

I got a lot going on, man!

Okay, okay, take it easy.

I just... I thought this was a good idea.

You know?

I mean, we couldn't just
let you all stay out there,

all you people with crazy abilities.

I mean, what did you think
you were gonna do with them...

I mean, us...

I mean, did you think
you were going to crack us?

Enslave a group of magic people,

turn them into a team of super soldiers

out to strike down
the enemies of America?

Sort of?

I just, I...

I just hit a rough patch, Ken.

What happened, man?

Something must have happened.

The other Brotzman, the girl,

and the fourth member of Project Incubus,

we had them cornered,

and then they just disappeared...

into thin air.

Just like Project Stupid Dirk!

A-And then the guy who's helping me,

Mr. Priest? Yeah?

He's crazy.

And I just... I need to know more.

Do you understand?
I need to know a lot more.

Or maybe...

you could just know some stuff?

I'll see what I can do.

Okay.

Dirk, calm down. Where are you?

It looks like the Cardenas house,

only it's much bigger,

like, impossibly big,

and also fun and festive,

but in awful ways.

So you're inside the house, or...

I'm looking out the door now,

and there is no outside, Todd.

Listen, this is just speculation,

but I may be in actual
Judeo-Christian Hell.

O-Okay, okay,

look, back up...

Ooh! This is very bad,

this is classic me bad!

I've just really blown this!

How did you get where you are?

I kept thinking about the stupid prophecy

and how you said I needed
to take more control,

do things for myself,
so I thought, "Yes! I will!"

Good. Okay.

Panto said he came from the house.

The house is clearly a thing,

so I borrowed Hobbs' bike.

But that was my first mistake.

It took nearly two hours
to ride over here.

Okay, Dirk, focus.

I found a boarded-up closet upstairs,

and then I fell down a hole
with a slide in it.

A slide?

Let's not get bogged down
in the details, please!

Hold on. Talk to him for a second.

He thinks he's in hell.

That's a turn of events.

Howdy, Dirk. Hobbs here.

Hello, Sheriff.

Tell him I found the slide!

He says he found the slide.

- What slide exactly?
- Tell him not to fall in.

Okay. He says careful not to fall in!

What, uh, wh-what is this slide?

Ask him if he can climb back up!

Todd wants to know
if you can climb back up.

No! I fell down the slide, into a room,

and when I looked up, the slide was gone!

Okay, that's a hard "no" on the slide!

But what is the slide exactly?

What... Can you give me some
information on the slide?

I'm gonna need to know what
the slide is moving forward.

What was that?

Did you hear that?

Hear what?

That thumping sound.

Music?

No.

Hobbs!

We're gonna need a ladder,
or a rope, or something.

Oh, I don't think I'm alone in here.

He thinks there's someone else
in there with him.

What, like a person?

No, I don't think so.

Does he want me to slide down the slide?

Do you want Todd to slide down the slide?

No, I-I really don't think that would...

Dirk, it's me. I don't know
how to help you from here.

- Stay where you are.
- You asked me to help.

No! That was a mistake.

I'm actually fine and great.

Dirk...

No, look, what I was going
to say was this is on me.

I don't even know if there is
a way out of here.

The last thing I want

is you getting trapped in here with me.

You have to be inside
the house somewhere.

What are you gonna do?

Keep looking for a way out.

Of course.

My family, the Dengdamors,

led by my mother, Lady Frija,

and my brother, Baron Prince Silas,

are the richest folk in all of Inglenook.

Why'd these guys put you in a cage, then?

These men are in service
to The Mage Kellum,

an evil Wizard

who plans to further incite the feud

between my family and the Trosts.

The "Trosts"?

Farming folk. Protectors of the woods,

but my family has always thought

they're just dirt diggers.

I got so sick of the fighting

that I ran away.

I was on my way to find the Forest Witch,

Wakti Wapnasi, of the Santi Santiga

who guides the Bofuki Nepoo.

Continue.

Wakti Wapnasi foretold the prophecy

to save Wendimoor,

and that means stopping The Mage,

even with his massive army,

the Kellum Knights.

He has conquered every kingdom

and is marching on Inglenook,

the only place he hasn't conquered.

This is great, you're saying all
kinds of stuff.

What happened, you get the Wendigo?

That is why I came to this world.

If I don't fulfill the prophecy
to save Wendimoor,

I believe it ends
in great death and disaster.

Wakti Wapnasi knows a great many things.

I wanted to ask her of the prophecy,

ask her how to heal the feud
between our families

before The Mage uses it
to destroy us all.

I should have never run away.

When Farson went missing,

the Dengdamors blamed my family

and came after me to seek revenge.

But I managed to get away,

and, with Wakti's help,
came to this world

to search for the great man,

Dirk Gently.

Yeah, I was doing that for a while, too.

Didn't turn out great for me.

Oh. This place is way bigger
than the Cardenas house, Todd.

Tell us what you see.

It's really weird
and interesting in here.

There has to be a way out.

Just keep looking.

Also, something's following me.

Can you see who it is?

I'd really rather not, actually.

It ain't like Carol
to go off unannounced.

Sometimes she'll go visit her mother.

She lives in one of them retirement homes

out in Anaconda.

But she'd leave a note, you know?

This is real strange, ain't it?

I mean, why would she leave
her jewelry behind

in a pile of sand?

Nuh-uh! Nuh-uh...

Uh, this is Jeanette McGrady's watch.

I'd know that thing anywhere.

Well, I spoke with Buster,

and Jeanette ain't been home either.

It's like the whole damn book
club just up and run off.

How many people in this book club?

There's, uh... four.

Look, I'm not usually one

to, uh, get my shorts in a bunch,

but this just smells
like foul play to me,

and if anything's happened to my Carol,

I just don't know what I'll do.

I think something definitely did happen.

- Who are you again?
- Uh! Sh-She's cool, man.

Jasper, look, I-I'm gonna ask you to, uh,

to not touch any of this

for the time being.

Hot crime scene!

All right.

There are five wine glasses.

There are only four piles of sand.

He's got to be somewhere in here, right?

Like, maybe underneath us?
Like underground?

No, I don't think so.

TINA, OVER RADIO: Hey, Hobbs!

Yeah, go, Tina.

Dirk, where are you right now?

Dirk?

- I...
- Hello?

Quietly I think I can hear
someone talking.

Hang on, Todd.

I'll protect you!

The princess would see you destroyed.

Those who are wise will turn back now.

We'll be ready for 'em.

Beware the secret of the vault.

You have this worm-eaten...

Heroes and...

I heard strange noises in the woods.

Weird creatures.

A clue.

What is? What's a clue?

There's, um...

a thing in this house
that isn't in the real house.

I mean, there's loads of things
in this house

that aren't in the real house,
but this is... a thing.

Oh, man, Tina's got
some holistic going on, too!

She says people are missing.

This is spiraling out of control.

Todd? Whatever that sound is,
it's getting closer.

What if it's the boy we're looking for?

- Eh...
- Seriously, Dirk,

think about it. What if the boy
we're looking for

slid down that slide years ago,

and got trapped wherever you are?

What if this is exactly
what's supposed to happen

for you to find him?

Shit.

You're right...

I have to look.

♪ What a sight to see ♪

Whoo!

♪ And then he swung from the tree ♪

♪ And he lit on the ground ♪

♪ And he started to rock ♪

♪ It was a one-eyed, one-horned
flyin' purple people eater ♪

♪ One-eyed, one-horned
flyin' purple people eater ♪

♪ A one-eyed, one-horned flyin'
purple people eater ♪

♪ I like short shorts...

It's not the boy! It's not the boy!

It's not the boy!

Dirk! Dirk, what's happening?

Dirk, talk to me! What's going on?

Dirk! What... Hello? Dirk!

I'm just throwing this
out there, those ladies

got turned into dust, didn't they?

Incinerated or something, yes.

But no. No, we shouldn't be
jumping to conclusions.

Well, have you seen
anything like this before?

I've seen some... pretty weird things

since I met Dirk, but I'd like to believe

there's still a rational
explanation for this.

So...

who would be the fifth member
of this book club?

Oh, man. Oh, man.

Suzie Boreton knows all those women.

She's been in a feud with them
or something,

has been for years.

Hold on,

this is the same Suzie
who Bart said attacked her?

And whose husband attacked Todd and Dirk?

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Okay, well, then,
I think perhaps we should...

Yeah!

Stay on the road. Stay on the road, Tina!

Scott?

Scotty?

Scotty?

Dang it, Bob!

Honey...

See you soon.

♪ Sure looks strange to me

- Dirk!
- ♪ One eye?

Hello?

Oh...

Bloody hell.

Dirk, are you okay?

I think I got away from the... whatever,

but this isn't better.

I'm in the kitchen.

There's a table that's been stabbed

by a pair of scissors,
and it's bleeding everywhere,

and I mean all that in a horribly

literal way.

Scissors?

Yes!

For the record, this is not
the best case ever anymore.

Ah!

Vogel! Vogel!

Hey! Hey!

My friend is hurt and we need help,

and we're not part of the...
whatever it is, okay?

Shut up, witchakookoo!

Where are you going?

Hey, don't leave!

Please!

Hey!

What's wrong?

Not... now!

What's happening?

- Dirk, what's happening?
- Not good things!

Dirk, what's happening? Hello?

Why is there music? Hello?

I'm going in. He needs my help.

Wait, what? Are you sure?

Yes!

Can I have a gun?

Aaaaaah!

Oh! Oh! Ugh!

Aah!

Todd?

- Why is there a monster here?
- Oh! Oh!

♪ One...

Well, I think... Never mind, let's go!

Okay! Okay! Okay!

No, no, wait!
We can't go out there, Todd!

It's better than here!

No, it's not, Todd!
It's nothing! Only static!

- What if we don't have any...
- Oh, God!

Aah!

Are we...

Oh, we're back in reality.

Todd, you were right. You...

What's wrong?

Vogel!

Help me!

Todd?

Amanda?

Todd!

Todd...

Todd!

That's impossible.

Todd?

Amanda!

Aah!

Todd?

Todd?

Todd?

Todd!

You lied.

You are a witchakookoo.

You had tiny lights all over you.

You saw that?

You're both magic.

Todd! Todd! Hobbs!

Hobbs! Todd!

What's happening? Where are his pills?

He needs his pills! Where are they?

Oh, man, KEN: This is incredible.

Bart is just the beginning.

These people are more powerful
than I imagined.

You are in way over your head.

Yes, I know.

But what am I supposed to do?

Well, you can't just keep them locked up

and expect them to do what you want.

I mean, these people,

these things,

or whatever they are,

they want meaning.

Look, in computer science,
we call it a Causal Role.

What are you talking about?

I know how to get them
to do what you want.

But...

so do you have powers or not?

I can help you. But you have to let me.

And that means letting me out of here.

Because right now, as far as I can see?

I'm the only one on your side.

Are you okay?

So, um... what...

Wh-What happened to you guys?

Pbht.

I brought you a gift.

What is this?

I think it's the murder weapon.

Right.

Right...

What?

Sheriff's Department, open up!

- Maybe she's at work.
- Or missing?

Or a pile of dust. We could break in.

Illegal without a warrant, I know.

Wait, are you down for that?

Technically,
I'm already a criminal, so...

Yep, just give me a hairpin,

and I'll pick this lock no problem.

Uh... Shh...

Is that really what you want, Suzie?

You want them to come in here

and save you?

Yello!

I mean... Tevetino.

Oh, hey, Hobbs.

Yeah, we're at the Boreton residence.

She doesn't seem to be home, but...

Hobbs said the Cardenas house is haunted

by a purple alligator
and they found what might be

the murder weapon used to kill Hector.

That Dirk Gently is really somethin'!

Okay, I'm sorry, what?

Where? I searched that whole house.

Okay, we'll be right there.

Hobbs wants us to meet him
back at the station.

What about Suzie Boreton?

We'll be back, man!

Come on, I want to see
a dang purple alligator!

Let's go! Let's go!
Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

Oh!

Ah...

- Ah.
- Ah.

You're right.

This is most likely the murder weapon.

But this looks new.

This is fresh blood.

These scissors, could they be connected

to the scissor sword somehow, right?

Panto Trost?

Screw Wendiwhatever.
What about real life?

Four missing women

who were last seen
at a super dusty book club.

A tree with a body in it,

a car in a tree with a body in it.

Then you got this impossible gun
that somehow shoots air,

despite having no moving parts?

A house inside another house

with the murder weapon hidden inside it?

Not to mention some kind of
purple people eater,

'cause that's what that was.

Yeah.

What? Why are you all looking at me?

Keep going round in a circle.
Farah, your turn.

Well, no, come on. It all has
to add up to something.

Everything is connected, right?

Bart being here isn't
a coincidence, it can't be.

Well, yes, yes, of course...

Wait, no,

a guy with pink hair

who claims to be a prince

from a faraway land called Wendimoor,

where you, Dirk Gently,

are at the center of a prophecy.

It's connected.

Yeah! Yes!

Yes, well, obviously the...

It... And then, that, and...

Sorry.

This again?

Look...

Dirk, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to put pressure on you.

I know that's not how you work,

or... how it works, whatever it is.

What if that monster ate us?

It didn't.

What if diving through
that static didn't work,

what if that just killed us?

It did work, it didn't kill us.

I couldn't even help you

when you were having
a Pararibulitis attack.

Well, I don't think anyone could.

All I ever wanted was a friend,

to have someone who believed in me.

And now you have one. More than one.

And what if who and what I am

is going to get you killed?

I don't know what this all means.

I never know how things connect
until they do,

and usually, before then,

it's just danger and death.

Why are you here?

What have you got to do with any of this?

I...

I saw Amanda.

What?

I had like a hallucination
when I was having my attack.

Like Amanda's visions?

No, no, no, it was like...

she was having it for me.

Like, reaching out.

I saw her.

I saw her.

Dirk, as crazy as it sounds,

I think Amanda's in danger...

in Wendimoor.

Oh!

Ha!

We have to go back to the Cardenas house.

Why?

And...

we need to take Panto.

Vogel?

Can you hear me?

Lord Triangle Badevil, Hail to The Mage!

Hail to The Mage.

Hail to The Mage.

I've come for the Dengdamor boy.

We have other prisoners.

A boogle we caught
trying to steal our food,

and two travelers from another land.

Only the boy matters.

What do we do with rest of them?

Kill them.

- Hurry up, will you?
- No!

While there's still
sand in the glass, you fools.

Let him go!

Wait!

I'm so sorry. I couldn't save you.

Shut her up.

I will keep you quiet...

It cannot be...

She's glowing.

She is a bloody witch!

Ugh!

Aah!

See, I knew it!

Vogel, lunch!

Argh!

Drummer!

Come on, come on!

Come on, Farson, let's go.

Now!

Wait.

You're letting her go? Why?

We can't just leave her to die.

This way!

You said you fell into
a room, Prince Trost.

Is this it?

Yes.

And you fell onto a bed
that then disappeared.

Yes.

Ha ha ha!

Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.

- It's a Murphy bed.
- Flush with the wall.

But in the house within the house,

the bed was down.

Is this how you came
through to our world?

This is where I fell.

Looks like water damage.

Where? What do you got?

I don't get it.

It's a solid wall.

How did you come through?

Oh...

Guys?

A little help over here.

What is this?

Home.

I come from a place far away from here,

a beautiful, perfect place
called Wendimoor,

that I rule unopposed

as the most powerful
wizard ever to exist.

You see, Suzie, there's
no point in fighting me.

You can't win.

I believe a lie has been told
about my world,

Suzanne Boreton.

A lie in the form of a prophecy

that has been kept secret from me.

A lie that states

that someone could end my reign.

I created the second wand

because I needed a partner

to help me uncover this prophecy...

and destroy it.

I just want to leave Bergsberg.

I don't want to hurt anybody.

Don't you, though, Suzanne?

I didn't mean to get drawn into all this.

I just...

I'm a nice person.

No, you're not!

No... you're... not.

The wand wasn't drawn to you
because you're nice.

You're far better than nice.

You're interesting.

Hmm.

Nice people will conspire against you

to stop you having what you want.

Power.

Freedom.

Join me,

and you can leave this wretched place

and be a queen.

No one telling you what to do anymore.

As long as you hold the wand,

you will be invincible,

glorious,

perfect.

Do you want them
to take that away from you?

No.

No, I'm never going back
to the way things were.

What do you want me to do?

I need you to kill Dirk Gently.

Tequila!