Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (2016–2017): Season 2, Episode 2 - Fans of Wet Circles - full transcript

Where is Panto Trost?
Dead, mother.
We chased him to the edge of the north wood,
and, uh, I dueled him on a cliff.
He stumbled on a rock
and... fell 500 feet
and landed... on a rock,
and his head exploded.
You dueled the greatest swordsman in Wendimoor,
and he fell on some rocks...
and landed on some rocks...
and his head exploded.
The Trosts have spited our family
for generations.
They think this land is sacred,
and our mining on it a sacrilege...
and now they have killed Farson.
We don't know that Farson is dead, Mother.
He's merely missing. We could find...
So you admit...
you were afraid to fight Panto Trost?
He lies.
Panto Trost not be dead.
Silas insisted on facing him man to man.
Your son is shit with sword.
You know that, Frija.
I barely got there in time to save him, and Panto...
...slipped away from me.
I... am not as fast as I was in my glory day.
Silas was ashamed to tell you he lost.
Well, then...
one of you is a loser, and the other one, an antique.
A lesson needs to be taught,
and apparently, my eldest son
isn't fit to teach it.
Burn down the entire Trost farmlands.
No, no!
You'll simply be doing The Mage's bidding for him.
He wishes to destroy us, to destroy everything!
The Kellum Army approaches our valley of Inglenook.
We must unite with the Trosts.
There's still time to fulfill the prophecy.
The prophecy...
isn't real, child.
There is no such thing
as "Dirk Gently."
Don't touch it.
How do you think it even got up there?
Tornado, maybe?
It's got to be something weirder than that...
aliens or something.
Let's not jump to that.
What, a time machine was good,
but aliens is too far?
Hey, I was not good with a time machine.
Holy crap, there's someone in here!
Oh, God.
What happened to "don't touch it"?
Adult female.
Cause of death looks like blunt force trauma.
Key's still in the ignition,
and the gear shift's in drive.
Was this a car accident?
The odometer's only on 42 miles.
This thing was right off the showroom floor
before it ended up in this tree.
So this is a brand-new old car?
Do you think...
Oh... here we go.
I'll cover, you open. On three.
- It could be dangerous. - That's what the gun's for.
Okay, but don't... don't shoot me
if something pops out and gets scary.
Just open the damn trunk, Todd.
Okay.
Three...
two...
one.
I'm free.
I'm free!
Ha ha! I'm...
Oh, my God!
Dirk!
How long have you been in there?
Farah thinks that car's been in that tree for 50 years.
No, it couldn't have been that long.
I would've looked much older.
Why are you wet?
Now, that is a good question.
Unfortunately, I don't have a great answer.
One minute, I was in bed,
then Mona said, "Find the boy,"
and then I fell through into a world of wet trunkness.
- Mona? - Keep up, Todd.
Mona is the main character of that last thing I just said.
You fell through a bed?
- Where? - Blackwing, naturally.
You were in Blackwing!
Yes, of course I was, Todd. Jesus...
Did you see Amanda there?
Well, they don't exactly let us just wander around the halls
and... Wait, Amanda?
So she could've been there and you just didn't see her?
Why would Amanda be at Blackwing?
I mean, she's not like me, or the Rowdy 3,
or Mona, for that matter.
Okay, stop. Who is Mona?
Oh, no.
What do we do?
Oh.
Uh... no...
Everything's fine!
This is...
It's just...
This is a picnic!
You are under arrest.
For what?
You are wanted by the FBI.
Oh, my God, you're wanted by the FBI?
What did you guys do?
I have never arrested anyone before,
so you all should just, you know...
be, uh, real cool about it.
Oh.
Thank you.
That was a very cool thing for you to do.
What do you mean, you lost Dirk Gently?
How did he escape?
He didn't escape, he disappeared.
- Disappeared? He can do that? - No, but he did.
Grr.
Okay. Is it possible...
he's invisible?
I've... already reviewed the footage, sir, and...
I'm afraid there was a glitch?
The footage shows Icarus asleep in the bed,
then it jumps two seconds, and he's gone.
Is it possible he peed himself invisible?
Get me Mr. Priest.
Jeez, you're still in bed? What the heck?
I'm sick, Bob.
You've got to walk Agrajag.
You walk him.
He's your dog. He doesn't like me.
What is going on with you?
I'm sick, Bob.
Well, enjoy your spa day...
but if Agrajag shits on the rug,
you're cleaning it up.
Borobotos!
Oh...
Okay...
Pidendo.
This thing cleaned my dang clothes.
Hey, are you...
Did Hobbs arrest you?
Me? No.
Maybe them, the ones inside.
I'm just an associated figure,
like a cousin, except not related,
so really not like a cousin.
I'm more of...
I suppose I'm just kind of a... person?
Jesus, Hobbs, what did you do?
Hey, excuse me, I need the toilet.
Hey!
Oh, oh, oh, man, Tina!
Some stuff is going on!
Okay, whoa, calm down.
Oh... okay, so... I got 'em inside.
One of them is... is real grumpy.
The other one is just real weird,
and that British guy over there,
I don't know what the deal is, but...
I'm telling you, he is...
He is hilarious, Tina.
Yeah. Right. Why is he cuffed?
Because you are not going to believe
what they were doing when I found 'em.
Marina Cardenas?
Like... Cardenas Cardenas?
I found them with her body.
You found Marina Cardenas' body?!
- In a car, in a tree, T! - In a tree!
That's weird!
Check out the address on there.
It's for the old farmhouse that got fenced off
and seized by the government after The '67.
Dude, this is like, um...
This is the biggest goddamn thing that's ever happened.
- Aah! - Wow, it sounds
like you guys are talking about something really...
interesting.
Just do it! Come on, do it already!
I'm going to do it!
- Stop saying that! Just do it! - Okay!
Hey, uh, is everything okay?
Get out of here. Can't you see we're busy?
This is a private moment.
Okay. Bigger visions...
go!
Nothing.
We're never going to find them this way.
I've gotten too used to this.
The attacks don't hit as hard anymore,
so the visions, they're smaller, they're shorter.
They're not useful.
I'm sorry I'm not scary enough, boss.
I can get, like, way scarier.
Uh...
I could be, like... a goblin!
You're fine.
You're super scary.
I just...
You want to try something crazy?
Portebendo wejenta. Aah!
No freaking way.
Ahh...
No... freaking... way!
Ha!
Yep.
Says here in the FBI report
that you and Mr. Brotzman have been connected
directly or indirectly
to the deaths of two dozen individuals.
Only one was direct,
and that was self-defense because he was the one
responsible for all the other deaths.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, and I shot a man with a sniper rifle,
but I'm not a bad person.
My whole life has been focused on enforcing law,
ever since that one time I stole a Milky Way
from the Circle K downtown when I was nine,
but I paid for that... technically.
It's a lot less than murder, so...
God, why didn't I just listen to Eddie, hmm?
Why am I such an idiot?
Am I just destined to be this epic failure
for the rest of my pathetic life,
and can you please just stop sitting there,
staring at me like I'm some kind of mental patient?
How could you leave these pens like this?!
I am not answering a single question
until I get my phone call, and maybe not even then.
I have... rights!
Speaking of which,
I don't seem to remember you reading me mine.
Is this some kind of fascist thing?
Are you Todd Brotzman from the Mexican Funeral?
Um...
yeah?
You're, like...
a god of the Seattle mid-2000 alt scene, dude.
What, like...
seriously?
You're, like, a fan?
This is the coolest day of my life.
Oh, well, it's, like...
no big deal.
So he'd basically created a time loop
by trying to avenge the loss of his own machine,
causing a doubling effect
where there were now two machines,
or even three,
or maybe even debatably four at one point in the timeline,
and at some point in there,
he built a steampunk suit of armor.
This was Patrick Spring who did this?
Or rather, Zachariah Webb as Patrick Spring
in a final ill-fated journey into the future?
Um, Mr. Hobbs?
Confidentially, as a detective,
this is easily the best interaction
with a police officer I have ever had.
You know, I was named after a detective.
My name is Sherlock.
Guess which one I was named after.
I'm actually a holistic detective,
to be precise, which means...
Holistic?
Uh, you mean, like...
the interconnectedness of all things?
I...
love you?
You can't break through the wall, Todd.
Okay, Dirk. Time to get you back in your cell, huh?
Thanks, Sheriff. I'll be in here if you need me.
Ha! Yes, I believe you will.
Okay. Just give me a minute.
Hey, hey, don't call the... whoever they want you
- to call, okay? - Just a minute.
They're dangerous. This isn't what you think.
Don't call the FBI... or whoever.
You know, I really don't think he's going to.
I don't know
how you can possibly be so optimistic right now.
How did you end up here? In Bergsberg?
We were looking for you.
Exactly, and here I am. So there you are.
Everything is connected, and blah blah.
We're in jail.
Well, we're at least kind of meant to be here.
- It must be part of the new case. - Our new case?
New case? No, listen, Dirk.
I need you to help me find Amanda.
Yes, we'll get to that,
but first, I have to... are you ready for this?...
"find the boy."
What boy?
I have no idea.
- Is it a missing persons case? - I guess so.
- How old is he? - Don't know.
Where did he go missing? What does he look like?
How long has he been gone?
All excellent questions, Farah.
You are doing great questions right now,
and I am hearing all of them.
Who hired you?
Mona Wilder was the one who mentioned it,
but I'm not sure
if she's actually got the means to pay us...
Who is Mona Wilder?!
She's a Blackwing subject I hadn't seen in 15 years,
and Todd, with that kind of attitude,
I'm demoting you back to assistant.
I... No, no.
But...
How did I forget how annoying you are?
- So what now, boss? - I saw a train my my vision.
Okay.
Uh...
Hey, maybe we should, uh...
not do this?
And we can go back to the car
and, like, listen to, uh, music?
Hey, Vogel?
Be chill, okay? Okay.
I know that this is crazy, and you're scared,
but every vision has led us to the next,
and that's all led us to this, okay?
Okay, yeah, but maybe...
Todd, the cartoon method of escape...
is that working out well for you,
is what I'm asking?
Look, I know you're calm, but I'm not.
I'm out of my medication, we're under arrest...
This may look dire,
but I promise you, everything will work out,
just like it did last time.
Last time? Seriously?
Last time, you ended up getting kidnapped.
Farah got all of her bank accounts frozen.
We're all on the run from the FBI.
Yes, but...
I'm sorry, did you say "out of medication"?
Out of medication for what?
Out of medication for what, Todd?
Pararibulitis.
I had my first attack the day you were taken.
Wh-Wh...
Listen, I know things haven't been easy for you, Dirk,
but this is...
When I first met you,
you said the universe would reward us.
Instead, we've all just been...
punished.
These things aren't always what they seem, Todd.
It may not always be easy or smooth,
but somehow it all works out in the end...
and if it doesn't, you're dead, so...
You won't die though, actually, sorry.
You, you are going to be okay.
We are going to find your sister and the boy,
and probably we're going to find absolutely anything
if we look hard enough.
We're never getting out of here.
We're letting you guys out of here.
Yep.
Yeah, it's a little windy out there, Dirk,
- so I brought you a jacket. - Aw.
I'm sorry, what? You're taking us somewhere?
Why exactly are you dressed like an astronaut, anyway?
I was in a government prison for psychics.
That is...
That is so dang cool.
I'm Sheriff Sherlock Hobbs,
and this is my deputy, Tina Tevetino.
Five days sober! Sort of.
And you guys are coming out with us.
- You're just letting us go? - Yeah, basically.
Oh, no, no. No, no, no. No, sir. No, heck no.
No, no, no, no. You are...
We are temporarily not reporting you
for temporary assistance on an open investigation
due to lack of current criminal activity
in the vicinity,
and in the interim, you'll be assisting us.
You're helping us 'cause you're bored?
- Yes, bingo! - No. No, Tina, would you... No.
And the dead woman you found was actually part of a couple.
They've both been missing for the past 50 years.
The address on the license
made it seem like it might be her house,
so we were thinking we'd go poke around with you folks...
maybe do a holistic.
- "Poke around?" - "Do a holistic?"
Am I... in heaven?
All right, out the door.
Here we go, there we go. Let's get moving.
You...
You are terrible police officers.
- Mm-hmm. - What you're doing is illegal.
- Yeah, probably. - Now, listen, Brotzman.
Real quick, see, Mustard, that's my orange tabby...
full of personality, loves rap,
can't blame her... she's an epileptic,
and she takes these pills, Promadivan,
much like the ones you dropped yesterday.
Now, it's a lower dosage, so you might need to take two, three.
I don't know, but I figure these could help you out.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
Let's go.
What a weird coincidence
that Sheriff Hobbs would just happen to have a cat
that would just happen to have the medication
that you just happen to need, Todd.
I think these people are crazy.
Yes, I'm a bit worried about that.
Aah!
Oh, wow!
It worked!
Closer.
Closer now, closer now...
to your purpose.
Leave.
Boss? You okay?
Say something!
I know where to go.
Pepdida tupedo.
Bibini wosula ephrajio.
Tomalu ephrajio.
Mom?
Mom?
Don't come in! I'm sick.
I don't want you to catch anything.
I stayed home from work.
Okay, who cares?
Where'd you put my goddamn car keys?
I didn't touch them,
but I'm sure they're in the front pocket
of whatever jeans you wore yesterday,
which are probably on the floor in your bathroom.
What do you think I am, an idiot?
Well, I don't know, Scott.
Why don't you check your jeans? Then I won't have
to think you're an idiot, 'cause I'll know.
Whatever! You got lucky!
I'm going out! I'll be home late!
Scott, I, uh... I'm...
I'm sorry I was rude.
Hon?
How much do you know about Dirk Gently?
You know you don't have to wear that thing, right?
I'm not diseased.
Thank you.
Ow!
Why?!
Oh, sorry. I forgot that button did that.
How much do you know about Dirk Gently?
I met him... once.
Can Dirk teleport from, like, place to place?
And... And what's the range on something like that?
The range?
On teleportation?
Look, I, uh...
Don't shock me. Do not.
Did you have Dirk captured and then lose him somehow?
Oh, great, if I say no...
And you're coming to me again to ask what to do?
Who was I supposed to go to?
The guy in the coma? The punk rock vampires?
The government?
You're, like, the only reasonable person.
Listen, you're a nice guy... kind of.
I wouldn't want to see you, you know...
lose your job
for, you know, losing a prisoner.
So I'm willing to make a deal.
What do you mean?
I'd be willing to use my... expertise in the area
to help you find Dirk,
if you'd agree to some kind of quid pro quo.
Dude, I don't speak Spanish.
Right.
Look, if you want somebody to help you, okay,
you start by helping them.
For instance,
you can start by letting me out of this taxi.
Dude,
you're just... you're nailing it right now.
You're nailing it.
- Yeah, finally. - Good talk.
Yes! Yeah... no!
Wait! Wait! Wait!
Been wanting to do this
since the first time I saw the dang place.
And you said you people were here already?
That's right. But it was all locked up.
Look at the door.
What the hell?
We didn't do that.
This looks like it was opened from the inside.
One set of footprints, wet from the rain.
This must've happened in the last 12 hours.
So you're saying they could still be in there?
Dirk, where...
Maybe we should look over here.
Is he being, like, holistic,
or just rude,
or just, like... dumb?
- Mixed bag. - Tina?
- Go. - Got it.
Okay, looks like it's just the two of us.
Let's go in there and take a look.
Take one of these.
Why do you have two flashlights?
They said I couldn't carry two guns,
and the dang belt has about four extra slots,
so it's one of those "why not?" type of situations.
Got it.
Looks like there was a fire in here.
Hmm, no, no...
No, those burn marks happened all over town
after the power surge back in The '67.
What's The '67?
Well, Ms. Black, back in 1967,
there was an electrical pulse that ruined the power grid
and fried electronics for miles around Bergsberg.
Crops died. Farms failed. Most everybody left town.
That Marina,
the woman that you found out there in the dang tree,
and her husband, Hector,
they went missing days beforehand.
Guess this was their place.
I always just knew them as a name on the motel.
Does this have anything to do
with that boat in the middle of that field?
Oh, The Infant, Male, Pollock, Francis?
No, no, no.
That'd been there for at least ten years
before The '67 even happened,
but no one knows where that came from either.
Okay, this is weird.
You know, all the other phone jacks
have been ripped clean out,
but this one's still here.
Nope, nothing.
Someone cleared out this whole place.
Why would they leave one phone?
Hobbs...
More footprints.
Over here.
What have you got there?
Huh...
Could belong to the fella broke open the door.
How did he appear in the middle of the room?
Yeah...
So, I read in your report
that you're trained in this kind of stuff.
How come you never became a...
you know, a something?
My whole family's in law enforcement,
except me.
It just kind of worked out that way.
Shit, really?
Mine, too.
I feel like I could never live up
to their expectations, though, you know.
Bah, probably sound dumb to you.
Doesn't sound dumb.
Ms. Black?
Yeah, I... I thought I heard something.
Spodeekadak.
Ah! Ha!
Ah!
That means something, right?
I'm right, right, and Farah's wrong?
There's something here.
It's a circle, Todd.
Exactly, but, it's, like, wet, right?
That means something?
Yes, for fans of wet circles,
I suppose it's very exciting.
So, how is this leading him to find a boy?
That's what he wants, right?
If Dirk's doing it, it's leading him somewhere.
So, basically, he ignores whatever you say
and then does some random shit for no reason?
Yeah, that kind of sums it up.
You blew up your life for this?
Hey! There's something up here.
Dirk, how did you get up there?
I climbed the thing.
So... So what about you and Farah?
You've been on the road for a while.
I wouldn't have put you two together.
We're...
We've gotten close.
On the run.
So hot.
Bonnie and Clyde.
Oh, was she your Yoko,
or is that, like, Dirk?
Like, was that the reason why Mexican Funeral broke up?
No.
I was my own Yoko long before these people ever showed up.
Ah!
Raise 'em.
Shock them awake.
- Welcome home! - I come awake in a scary way!
What a rush.
You guys were here the whole time?
- I knew I smelled something. - We're hanging from the ceiling.
- Sure got awful lonely down there. - I was just asleep.
- That whole time? - I'm a tired guy.
- Hey... - I sure am happy to see you guys!
Yeah, this is great! Ha!
- No, it isn't. - Not great.
Actually, I do not like it.
Okay, send two of them back down and gas them out.
I only need to talk to one.
Which one, sir?
The one that talks normal!
Aw, shit, that isn't is me.
I talk good!
Back in the hole!
Hello...
It's okay!
...Martin. I'm Supervisor Friedkin.
You don't think I remember you, boy?
You and I have an appointment.
Uh...
You know we eat neurological energy, right?
You know we can smell fear?
Okay, you listen to me...
Now, I don't know if you've got a better idea
than just keep us locked up in this floor,
but taking me out was a bonzo bad idea.
I wanted to ask for your help.
You know, when we feed off other weirdos like us,
it don't hurt 'em, but normal people?
It can go very, very wrong.
I need you to find Dirk Gently.
You guys can find him wherever he is, right?
You were, like, living off of him or whatever?
And I'll get you better living quarters,
or I could get you something to eat somehow, or...
You... want my help?
- Yes. - Well, you're off to an A-plus start.
You just brought me something to eat.
What?
Argh!
You asked for Mr. Priest?
Okay, this is a good spot.
Cool.
Holy shit. That's bananas.
Give, give, give, give.
Ha!
Do you know how it works?
Yes, you point it, and you pull this trigger here...
Give it back. Right.
Hey, uh...
Todd Brotzman?
I'm freaking out.
I mean, I'm really losing my shit right now.
Well, this is only my second case,
but it'll probably get a lot weirder than this.
It can't get weirder than this.
Excuse, but there's a person in this tree.
Yeah, these are fingers.
This little bit of hair on the middle knuckle
means this finger
is connected to an adult male.
As to how that man got preserved and mummified inside a tree...
Is it possible he ate some tree seeds,
or a baby tree,
then developed a stomach ache,
went to sleep here, and...
Nope.
This could be the missing husband, Hector Cardenas.
So say we found the couple who lived here.
What about their child?
Who said anything about a child?
There was nothing about a kid in the file.
In the house, I saw scratch marks on a doorframe,
like marking out someone's height as they grow,
like you would do with a child.
Yes, of course!
Argh! It's so obvious!
The Cardenases had a child,
and that child could have been a boy!
The boy.
"Find the boy."
Ha! Solved it!
Oh! Oh!
Did you solve anything, though?
- No. - Not even kind of.
Just let me have this moment.
Okay.
Gah!
I mean...
oh.
Hello, Mr. Priest.
I'm glad you're here.
Thanks for stepping in there.
You can't get that close to Project Incubus
without stunning them...
especially if you're going to starve them out.
I don't mean to be starving them.
Well, then find some people
to let them drain the life out of.
What... you mean, like...
sacrifices?
Yes.
I c... I can't do that.
I can't let anyone experience what just happened to me.
Then you're soft.
I've been doing this a long time.
Soft guys melt.
I help people get got and gotten absolutely.
I brought in 30 of the 42 Blackwing subjects
from the old project.
Ooh.
Most fun I've ever had.
G-Good.
Which begs the question,
why'd you only think to call me in now?
I was told that there were violations of protocol.
You know...
you may not be aware,
but they call me in for violations,
not protocol.
Yeah, if my name is in the logbook,
then ethics is not a priority.
I'm a...
Listen.
I'm a very bad person.
I'm a scary monster.
I'm a...
I'm...
I'm no good, Hugo. I'm troubled.
Now, Project Icarus is gone.
Project Incubus is dying.
You got three normal civilians
that have thus far gone uncaptured.
You are living in a world
full of empty rooms that need filling.
Someone up high somewhere,
they're going to see this is out of control,
and you are going to be embarrassed,
and you are going to be replaced.
But I can give you a win.
A rash of assaults and sightings.
Incubus Number Four and the Brotzman girl,
the one who embarrassed you.
I can get them.
You've just had this information?
So have you, if you read the reports,
but you don't, do you?
I like that in a leader.
I like a guy who doesn't sweat the details.
So, you can, like, find these people?
I'm just a gun, Friedkin.
I don't do anything unless you pull the trigger.
Suzie?
Suze?
You still sick?
I'm feeling much better, thanks.
Good.
You notice anything different?
You cleaned up a bit?
Hey, I'm going to need your help
down at the motel tomorrow.
All those music show people coming to town.
You don't notice anything else?
New makeup?
Makeup?
- Haircut? - Haircut?
How much did all that cost?
Bob...
I look amazing.
Say something about it.
Suzie...
ever since the accident,
you have been up and down,
up and down.
I don't know what you did to yourself,
who you hired, or how much it cost,
but none of it is going to fix what happened.
We're not talking about that. We're talking about me.
Well, maybe we should talk about it.
It's like you're on some kind of...
niceness self-improvement kick...
but you're still the same you.
You don't fool me, Suze.
You may seem like a sweet little mouse,
but no matter what you do on the outside...
you can't change who you really are.
Dolomos!
Okay.
I'm really sorry, Bob.
I am. I, uh...
I didn't want to do that,
but you...
you're pushing my buttons, you know?
You always just...
you know how to just push my buttons.
But...
Can you hear me?
Yip!
See?
You're fine!
He's fine.
Yeah, I did this for us.
It's more productive this way.
Yip!
Close the fridge.
Bob, could you please go get rid of the dog?
Oh...
but isn't that silence nice?