Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (2016–2017): Season 1, Episode 6 - Fix Everything - full transcript

I don't understand.

We have to wait.

No, we go back in now.

We, uh, we get a SWAT team,

and we get a tank,
and we go back in there--

You broke into a facility--

- We didn't break in--
- You broke into a facility

without a warrant.

- I can't in good conscience--
- Zimmerfield is dead.

I know, and I'm sorry.

- No, we're going back now--
- No, we're not--



- Yes, we are--
- No, we're not--

- Yes, we are!
- No, we're not!

All we have at this point
is a dead cop

as a result of an unlawful B&E.

He was shot...

with a harpoon.

We can't just start a gunfight

in the middle of the Seattle Zoo.

You're in on this.

What?

No follow-up on Patrick Spring,

now you've got a dead cop,

and you're saying
we gotta do this by the book?

Yeah, you're in on this.



Say it.

Say it to my face.

Say, "I'm in on this."

Estevez, you are saying things
you're going to regret--

Say it!

Say "I'm one of them."

- "Them?"
- Yes, them.

The Patrick Spring "them."

Those bald freaks, "them."

The Coroner,
the-the Gordon Rimmer,

and whatever the hell else
is locked up in that damn...

Animal Transfer Unit, "them"!

Them!

You're suspended.

- Say it.
- You're fired.

Say it.

Bradshaw, come and escort
Detective Estevez--

No, no, no.

Say it.

- I'm right here, just you and me.
- I'm right here...

Just say it. Say it!

A cop is dead.

Zimmerfield is dead,

and he's firing me.

It's not over.

Not by a long shot.

Make sure he leaves.

Rimmer, we have a problem.

Okay, I'll get Farah.

No.

I'll go with Farah,
you stay and talk to Amanda.

Now?

Everything is connected, Todd.

Telling Amanda the truth
is your next step.

Is this, you know, a universe thing?

Like, if I don't do this now,
the universe goes all weird?

The universe
is already weird, Todd.

If you don't tell her now,

and we get... killed later...

I'll go with Farah and take the machine
back to the Spring Mansion,

and figure out
what the hell it does.

Oh! And you should bring Amanda.

She isn't safe here.

Okay.

- You're back, thank God--
- Farah!

Hey, listen,
we got the machine--

- I killed someone--
- It's okay, we killed some people, too--

Wait, what? It-it... you what?

Is Amanda okay?

- Yes, she's--
- Are you okay?

Have you ever...
done anything like that before?

No. A lot of training, but---

Wait. What machine?

We found Edgar Spring's
unlimited energy device.

- We think. Who did you kill?
- It's more of those bald freaks.

I found their hideout,
they attacked the police,

they killed that detective!

Estevez or Zimmerfield?

Zimmerfield.

Jesus, this is out of control.

Wait, wait, who did you kill?

Same guys, same team,

they must've tracked us
out to the reservation,

but we got them with the kitten.

- The what?
- The kitten.

- It had a shark in it.
- Okay...

And just putting this out there,

this is just a theory at this point,

but we think the dog
has Lydia Spring in it.

What?

We think Rimmer swapped
the soul of the dog and Lydia

to use as insurance

in case Patrick Spring
tried to screw him

in the hostage exchange
for the machine.

So Lydia's in the dog?

Yes.

But we can put her
back in her body, right?

Dirk can do a... thing?

Well, if we get the dog, and Lydia,

and whatever they used
to swap the soul, then...

yes, we're...

we're optimistic about that.

Okay.

Hmm.

Amanda said

she was approached by men
who seemed military.

- Shit, that's "Black Wing."
- What?!

"Black Wing," it's a defunct
CIA program that's after Dirk.

Listen, there's a tremendous
amount of moving pieces here.

We can't pin them all down now.

Okay. Sure.

You need to get Dirk
to the Spring Mansion, yeah?

I'll get Amanda
and meet you there,

but I have something
I have to do here first.

Dirk's outside.
Can you drive him?

He's not good at... cars.

Yes. Take my SUV.

Farah, thank you.

I just want Lydia safe.

That's all that matters now.

Well, we're gonna make that happen.

Or something like that, definitely.

Thanks, Todd.

Are-are you armed, and whatever?

Always. Are you?

What? No.

- Wait, what are you--
- Don't let anyone see you have this

until you punch them
in the face with it.

Right, okay.

I'd give you my gun,
but then I wouldn't have one.

That can never happen.

Right.

Amanda?

Are you here?

Dude...

shit has been going down.

Where were you?

What did you find out there,
with the-the map?

Hey. We, um--

Farah is super weird.

You were right,

I think you have way more
of a shot with her than I thought--

- We have to--
- I spent all night with her,

and she is, like, this
mega whackado basket case--

- Amanda, we have to--
- Not that she's not great,

but, oh, I don't even know
where to start--

I never had pararibulitus.

--the last 24 hours is just like...

What?

Th-this isn't
how I wanted to tell you.

I just...

I couldn't keep it a secret anymore.

What did you say?

I never had pararibulitus.

Yes, you did. What are you...

What are talking about?
Yes, you did.

That's, like,
why you dropped out of college--

No, I-I dropped out
because I was failing,

because I never went to classes,

because I was trying to dedicate my time
to The Mexican Funeral.

Look, th-this isn't

how I meant for this
to happen, okay?

I've wanted to tell you for years, but--

That doesn't make sense.

The Mexican Funeral broke up

because of your pararibulitus.

The Mexican Funeral broke up
because I sold our equipment,

and told the guys that it was stolen.

Okay.

But, okay, but there was
that time with mom and dad

when you were, like--

Well, I wanted my own apartment,

and I needed first
and last months' rent,

and the money
mom and dad were sending

for what they thought was my treatments
wasn't enough, so...

I thought,
the band wasn't going anywhere,

so, screw them,

and then I told mom and dad

that they were all just
trying to screw me over--

You told me that.

Yes, I told you that,

and I-I told them that
my parents hated them.

When you're lying,
you lie to both sides,

so that the others
don't talk to each other,

and I-I ended up
trapped under so many,

- 'cause it-it snowballed--
- It "snowballed"?

I was being stupid.

You're not like that.

You wouldn't do that--

- No--
- And you are not like that--

No, I'm not.

I-I changed.

I changed the second you got sick.

It made me realize that I-I...

I-it doesn't matter now, okay?

Because...

because look...

Seriously?

It's $10,000.

You're trying to bribe me?

No, I--

Look, we can talk about this later.

This isn't happening...

Oh, this was stupid.

- This was so stupid of me--
- Yes. Uh-huh.

- Okay, we have to leave now--
- Is that a joke?

- No, we have to go--
- No, what are you--!

What are you saying to me?

- What are you even saying?
- Amanda--

This isn't happening.

I'm sorry, Todd, but this is not...

happening.

- Wait--
- Not...

- happening.
- No-- Amanda...

What are you doing?

Spot checks.

Whoever was following you
could be watching us now.

"Spot checks." Fantastic.

I think of you and me

as Module "B"
of the detective agency.

Todd and I being Module "A,"
the investigative arm,

but you and I,
we're the strike team,

for when things get physical.

You can't be in both
Module "A" and Module "B."

Sure I can, I jump across.

Your...

organizational structure

is confusing.

What you'd want to do is

use the MECE methodology
to divide the teams.

The meece... what?

Mutually Exclusive,
Cumulatively Exhaustive

sub-units,

And then establish configurations
wherein every possible dynamic

is addressed to the skill set
of the people therein.

That would be more efficient.

I'm not...
part of your detective agency--

Aren't you, though, a little bit?

I mean, what else have you got?

I mainly attract people
in positions of absolute hopelessness,

so I think you
fit into that quite nicely.

No offense.

Just... be quiet.

But it's kind of incredible, isn't it?

I mean, how close we are now?

It really feels like
we're onto something.

- We'll see.
- Did I make some mistakes?

Yes.

Did I only make mistakes?

Yes.

But did it all work out?

Kind of!

I had a plan,
and I put it into action,

and it went off flawlessly.

Almost. Mostly.

Maybe it went off flawful-ish.

But not a total disaster.

In fact, an unmitigated not-total-disaster

of the sort I'm thrilled
to be involved in.

That's what we'll put on the sign

for the detective agency, Farah.

"Cases Solved
With Arguable Efficiency."

Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency!

Dirk Gently, here to help.

You hear that, everyone!

Dirk Gently!

Me! Dirk Gently!

- That's what the sign will say!
- Shh! Shh...

I am Dirk Gently!

- I am Dirk Gently!
- Dirk, get down--

- Dirk! Get down!

No, don't!

Get out of the way.
Dammit.

Run! Run, run...

Run!
Gun coming!

Stop!

Drop your weapon!
Drop it now!

Oh, why?

Stop running!

Not much choice!

No, no, stop, please!

Please, I don't know
why you're doing this!

You're supposed to die!
I'm supposed to kill you!

Everything led me here!

To you! To this!

- Everything is connected--
- Everything is connected--

That's...

different.

You're one of the others...

You're like me!

You're not like me.

You're something different.

You...

Dirk!

Are you okay?

Emotionally? Certainly not.

I can't get hurt, it isn't possible--

You've never been hurt before?

It isn't possible...

Cops are coming, and we need
to find a way out of here.

All right, all right,
if we can just get to the service level,

maybe we can get out the back.

I'll never walk again!

And of course that's locked
for employees only.

And I have no tools.

Farah, that was unbelievable.

You saved me.

No wonder Spring
entrusted his safety to you.

You are an incredible person.

Who'd have thought?

All part of the job.

No, it absolutely wasn't.

Unless you're talking

about your job
at my detective agency.

The machine!
I left it in the car!

Stupid Dirk!

Always running away from death
and forgetting machines!

I got it!

I got it!

I got it.
We're moving again.

- I messed up.
- What?

I ruined everything,

What are you talking about?

I left my path,
and this is my punishment.

I'm lost.

The universe is broken.

Oh, thank God.

We have to get this
to the Spring Mansion.

The FBI guy was right,
we can't do this alone.

I--

You were right.

I need your help.

Don't worry. I'm on my way.

I have a theory.

I have a theory,
and I don't like it at all,

but it's...

it's my theory right now,
and right now that's all I got.

So, uh...

I'm gonna explain it to you, and...

if you understand it,

I mean, if you follow it
all the way through,

you gotta tell me,
you gotta help me,

and you gotta confirm or deny
whether it's accurate,

'cause...

right now I feel like
I'm losing my mind a little.

Like, uh...

like I might...

like I might be having
some mental problems.

You know?

So, I just, uh...

I need you to confirm or deny one...

one question.

Are you Lydia Spring?

No.
I've been through a lot, right?

And-and-and I lost someone who I...

Who I...

I lost someone who means a lot to me.

And I'm... I am...

I'm not...

Bark twice for "yes."
Are you Lydia Spring?

Mm...

Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

If you're Lydia Spring,

bark three times
and turn in a circle.

I'm going to need a minute.

Oh...

How did this happen?

Huh?

Did Gordon Rimmer do this?

How did you get away?

Did someone take you?

Was it Dirk Gently
and Todd Brotzman?

Let's go talk to them.

These guys suck.

I said these guys suck!

- Hey, you grabbed my ass.
- What?

- You just grabbed my ass--
- I'm Rick.

- What the hell?
- That's my boyfriend!

He just grabbed my ass,
you stupid bitch!

He can do whatever he wants--

- You wanna go?
- Yeah!

- Let's take this outside!
- Hey!

Both of you, out of here, now!

Holy shit!

Are you all right?

I'm sorry,
I screwed up your night,

your one night out.

No, it's okay,
that guy was an asshole.

I know you never go out anymore
because of the disease,

and now I'm...

I'm covered in beer,

and I'm crying
like a pussy, and...

Hey.

See? It's great.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Are you ready to talk?

I'm sorry.

Is this very inconvenient for you?

I'm processing.

I just...

God, I really messed this up.

I should've waited.

You should've waited?

Yeah, you're right,

six years wasn't
quite long enough.

Great prank, Todd,
but you screwed up the timing.

That's what you screwed up.

Put your phone under the door.

What?

I'm calling mom and dad.

Okay, okay, but, Amanda,

we have to go meet
Dirk and Farah.

And we can't stay here anymore.

There are dangerous people--

Yeah, I know,

I met some of them.

Look, you're the most important
person in the world to me.

What are you even saying?

I don't know you.

I literally don't know who you are.

You are not my brother,

you are... some other person.

No, I am your brother.

Give me the goddamn phone,

right now.

Oh, shit.

Oh, my God.

You recognize this dog?

Huh?

Yes.

This is the dog you stole
from Gordon Rimmer,

right before
you burned down his house.

Right?

That's what happened, yes.

I would've thought you would have
cleaned this shithole up by now.

You know the CIA--

the actual goddamn CIA--
told us not to follow up

on those four guys
in the van who trashed it?

Crazy.

Have you...
have you been drinking?

Have you been drinking?

Okay.

That dog... is the most
important thing here.

Because it's Lydia Spring.

Yes.

How did they turn her into a dog?

Oh, they-they didn't,

they took the soul out of her body
and swapped it with a dog.

Her body?

Yeah, she-- she's still alive.

Oh, so you know where she is?

I-I...

Your friends killed my partner.

They are not my friends.

Oh, so you know about that, too, huh?

No! I...

Where...

is Lydia Spring?

I need to open that door.

Is that Dirk Gently in there?

Let me open that door.

You don't have a warrant.

I have a gun, Todd.

I have a gun.

You-you seem...

a little stressed,
I'm just gonna say it--

- Ow!
- Stay on the ground!

I will not let this
get ahead of me again!

- You understand me!
- You have to open that door!

- Shut up!
- My sister is in there!

Come out with your hands up!

- Please--
- Shut up!

She has a disease!

Shut up!

Amanda!
Are you okay?

Clear the door, I'm coming in.

Okay. Okay...
All right, come on.

Why is she choking? Huh?

What the hell's wrong with her?

She's not choking, she's drowning.

- We have to get her to a hospital.
- No, no, no, there isn't any time.

She keeps breathing like this,
she'll hemorrhage her lungs.

Amanda!

Holy shit.

Jesus, not now.

You are coming with us.

Not these guys again!

Lydia, with me!

Shit!

I'm all revved up.

Ed, are we in trouble?

I will handle this, Zed.

Jesus...

Hi! How ya doin'?

Goodnight!

Take that!

I got him!

Amanda, thank God.

Don't touch me!

Amanda...

No.

You brought me here
to keep me safe?

Here?

Into this.

With you.

You don't care about me at all.

That's not true.

Okay, just... look.

I was gonna fix things.

I was going to fix everything.

Everything about you is a lie.

I don't want your help,

and I... I don't want
to ever see you again.

You are exactly...

the piece of shit
that everyone thinks you are.

Get me out of here.

No, wait, Amanda!

You-you can't leave!

Amanda, stop!

You can't go with them!

Don't be sad.

...Traffic conditions,

transporting the machine,

accosted by a...

So, you're saying
you have no idea who that was?

Okay, now,
I can't clarify this enough,

I haven't the slightest clue.

That homicidal dirt muppet and I
have never crossed paths before.

Could she be with the cult?

Well, I think not.

I do think we had...

we had a bit of a moment, though,

maybe.

A "moment"?

I don't know.

Look, I don't like this,
and Todd should be here by now.

He'll be here.

He wanted to talk to Amanda
about some things.

Do you... like Todd?

Yeah, he's fine.

Is he?

He's brave,

in his own unique... way.

I like that he's there for you.

I like that he's doing this
even though he doesn't have to.

Call him again.

He's not much of a phone-answerer,

in my experience.

Once we plug in the machine,

everything will become clear,

I'm sure of it.

You don't even know what it does.

Well, I mean, clearly, it...

clarifies everything?

Show me.

Oh...

Does it do that?

We didn't see that one.

These are dates.

This is the date
Patrick was killed,

and this...

this is when
his wife was killed.

What is this thing?

It's...

a bad news...

calendar...

machine.

What?

You said you were bringing backup.

Yes, well, it's hard
to get a SWAT team together

based on one phone call.

Smart move to call me, though.

You're the FBI man?

Yes, that's right,

and you're... Dirk Gently?

It's me.

Good to finally meet you.

You said you were attacked.

Yes, so many times.

There's a group of people,

some kind of cult
or secret organization

hunting us.

They said they didn't kill Patrick,

but they have Lydia.

They're a key piece
in what's happening.

Two of them even came after us

while we were trying
to dig up the machine.

- Got them both, though.
- Yeah.

You killed them?

Well, the shark did, certainly.

This "machine," where is it?

Here, right here.

We put it together ourselves,

so some bits might
be on backwards, but...

This is it.

This is... the machine.

That's right.

Excellent work, Miss Black.

Thank you.

Can I tell you a secret?

When we met?

You were right the first time.

Farah!

You're going
to have to come with me.

This is lunacy.

You must see that.

Cops showed up at the temple,

had to kill one of them.

Should I be expecting more?

You lost your mind
when you betrayed Rainey.

The Supreme Soul had a plan for us,

for all of us.

Oh, really? Did he, now?

"Find more bodies,

make new drones,
make more money."

There's no ambition in that.

He got what he had coming to him.

That's heresy.

This is what blows my mind about you,

you talk about it like it's real.

Like it's... like it's spiritual.

After all these years,

how do you still believe in that?

The machine came to us
from across time and space.

You were there,

you're one of the original souls.

Why is it, do you think,

that Rainey didn't
let us build another altar?

Had us holed up in some
rotted-out mansion basement,

had us in some decrepit zoo building?

It's so he could control it.

The altar is sacred--

It's electrical!

The Soul Exchanger
isn't some holy relic,

it's a piece of technology.

It always has been, it always will be.

You're insane.

Your drones are dropping like flies.

Your insurgency is a failure,

You have ruined everything.

The detective whose partner you killed,

he's looking for you,
and he's not going to go away.

I have the other machine!

So that means you follow me now.

So you are gonna go off
and collect whoever you can,

whoever hasn't run away.

My men are bringing in
the relevant parties.

I will have the machine tonight,

and I will have it at the temple,

and you will meet me there.

I don't give a shit

whether you believe in me or not,

but I am the Supreme Soul now.

Please be quiet.

Please...

you gotta stop screaming.

Can you stop screaming?

Listen, you gotta stop screaming.

Can you stop screaming?

Okay...

--Struck by a car today.

While informing his next of kin,

police uncovered
a shocking discovery--

two women who had been trapped

and kept prisoner
in Gifford's basement

for over three months.

I'm gonna kill that guy.

Hey!

Oh, God...

Get this thing out of my leg!

I read on the Internet
that you're not supposed to--

I don't care what
the stupid rectangle tells you to do!

If I'm supposed to die, I will!

I'm not gonna go to the hospital.

I give up.

Just do it, I give up.

You get hurt once and you give up?

I can't get hurt.

I'm always safe, I can't get hurt...

Yeah, well,
a roller coaster is safe, too,

unless it goes off the tracks.

Gobbledy-gook!

What do you even know
about anything?

You assumed too much, Bart.

You say you kill
whoever you feel like killing.

Did you feel like killing
Dirk Gently right then?

He was...

He was there.

And I mean...

It was... It was different, but...

I knew-- I thought--

I thought that I knew that I was--

That's what I thought.

You shoot up a mall
in the middle of the day,

and we just happen to get away?

I walk you into a crowded hotel

with a knife in your leg,

and we just happen
to not get noticed?

It's the universe,

it's the stream of creation.

I have been doing nothing
every day of my life,

and thinking it was that,

nothing,

it was nothing.

Okay, but now I can see it,

and I don't know what it is,

and I can't name it,

but I've seen it.

All right, and that's greater
than understanding.

Okay? I believe.

I believe in you, Bart.

You talk to me...

a lot.

Look, we're gonna get you
out of this tub, all right?

We're gonna find you clothes
without blood on them,

gonna get you a weapon,

and we're gonna get out there

and follow the web
of the universe,

so you can do
what you're supposed to do.

Kill Dirk Gently.

Or something.

Okay. Okay.

But first...

Psst!

What Happened?

Where's Amanda?

She's gone.

Gone?

Like, she is... gone?

She hasn't stopped existing,

she's just gone.

Is this where the universe
was supposed to lead us?

Maybe.

Who hit you?

The detective,

Estevez.

He's, like,
gone kind of crazy, I guess.

Where's Farah?

I don't know.

Are these guys gonna kill us?

I mean...

I should hope not.

This guy again.

This is it.

He'll explain everything.
He's gonna have the answers.

I've been waiting for you two
for a long time.

What is going on?

Who are you guys?
Did Patrick Spring hire you?

If not, then what are you?
Are you detectives?

No, because you're a... You're a bellhop!

You were at the hotel!

And you! You're who?

- What, the FBI? No?
- No.

Then how does
the FBI figure into this?

Who shot Ned?

How did you know that Farah Black
was gonna be in that apartment?

I mean, what kind of
crazy coincidence is that?

Where's the kitten?

Where's my dog?

Why did you burn down my house?

Who has my dog right now?
Is it the police?

Do the police have my dog?

Who beat up Ed and Zed?

Was it your guys? Other guys?

How many different sets of guys
are in this situation?

How does Patrick Spring
be in two places at the same time?

Aw..... nuts.

We-we don't, uh...

Sorry, I guess.

I, like, can answer four
of those questions, total,

if I'm being honest.

But you were there!

Where?

At the hotel!

When Patrick Spring died,

you were both there together!

You were wearing my coat!
This coat!

Wait...

What's he talking about?

It's the same machine.

What?
What? What? What? What?

Ooh...

Todd, solved it.

The dates!

Of course! So stupid.

Makes total sense in hindsight,

amazed I didn't guess it, honestly.

- We've got to go in there.
- Stop, stop--

Edgar Spring, Zackariah Webb,
Patrick Spring,

the whole thing.

I can get us out of here,

I solved the case.

No, no, no, no, no,
you stop talking to him,

and start talking to me,
giving me answers.

I want you two
to give me some answers now--

No, no, no...
No, no...

No, no, no, no, no.

Fred, get out there,
find out what that is!

No!

Todd, run!

Dirk, what's the plan?

There's a plug just like this

in the basement
of Patrick Spring's house,

and there was another one
under the Ridgely, remember?

They're gonna come in here
and kill us, Dirk!

We won't be here, Todd!

Come on, grab hold!

I'm saving us!

How are you going to save us

with an Unlimited Energy Machine?

It's not an Unlimited Energy Machine,

and that's not
the Soul Exchanger.

Well, they both are,
but they're not, too.

Come on, grab tight!

There's not going
to be a murder, Todd.

We're going to fix everything.

Watch this.