Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (2016–2017): Season 1, Episode 5 - Very Erectus - full transcript

Rapunzel, get over here!

I'm sorry I did this to you.

It was selfish.

When I'm finished
with this little bitch...

Boom.

Get outta here.
Get outta here now.

Is this it?

We're out of gas.

Doesn't that mean something's gonna...

For two days now,
every time we've stopped for...

- any reason, there's been a--
- A death.



Yes. Or death...s!

Something's weird.

Just one thing?

There's no...

There's no Dirk Gently here.

Seattle's a big city.

The city doesn't matter.

Either I go to the target,
or the target goes to me,

the city is just a backdrop.

So I'm gonna...

I'm gonna stand here
until something happens.

You're gonna...

We're parked in front of a bus stop.

Okay...



So exciting that Patrick Spring
left us buried treasure.

How do you even know
what we're looking for is buried?

Treasure is always buried.

Who said anything about treasure?

We have no idea what
we're looking for, do we?

I mean, what was all that stuff
you said in the trap room

about "three questions one answer"?

Yeah, you're right.

At this point, I feel like it probably
is just going to lead to seven more maps

leading to seven more secret rooms
in seven more basements.

Well, we dig it up,
and we get back home.

I don't like leaving Amanda alone.

It'll be all right. We've got this
absolutely under control.

Honestly, I'm just relieved
we got through the drive

without anyone or anything
trying to kill us.

He knows something.

Of course, he knows something,
he's Patrick Spring's lawyer.

Well, you'd think he'd want to tell us
if it meant finding Lydia.

I'm not saying
he knows where Lydia is,

but he certainly knows
who Patrick Spring's enemies were.

So, what now?

We follow up on Rimmer.

This kind of stuff
happens to you all the time, doesn't it?

- Hmm?
- I mean, weird things.

Supernatural things.

What's weird?

Well, Patrick Spring
knowing you and I would meet

and solve all those
puzzle traps together?

Oh that. Yes, that's weird,

but it could've been a coincidence--

No. No way.
You don't just stumble into that.

Well, technically,
we did just stumble into that.

Okay, you know what I mean.

There's some kind of thing.
Like... a power.

Power? No, I'm just a man,
a normal detective man.

No, there's some other thing.

This holistic stuff is garbage. It's...

It's you.

There's something about you--

Look, I'm not psychic. Drop it.

- Who said you were psychic?
- You did.

Didn't you?

Did I, though?

Look, can't you just go back
to complaining? This isn't--

No, no, no.
We are having this conversation.

Here--

Let's do an experiment.

Tell me what I drew on the napkin.

- No.
- Why not?

Look, I can't explain it, okay?

I learned a long time ago that
things don't always make sense

the way people want them to.

I accept that,
and you're going to have to, too.

Too.

To, too. Too... Two?

You want to do everything,
why don't you want to do this?

Look, I don't have time for,
or interest in,

talking about your
stupid picture of a cowboy.

Hey! Hey, hey, wait!

What are you doing?

Oh, that nice chef

traded me this Jeep
for the Corvette.

Traded the-- Wait, what?

Why?

Well, I showed him our map,

and he said we couldn't get
to where we need to go in that car.

We're going off-road.

Wait, you traded the Corvette for this?

Oh, don't worry, it was just a rental.

Oh, here,
I got you this new shirt in the gift shop.

Did you... How could you--

Well, come on,
we're wasting daylight.

Now, um...

So, do I, um...

And then...

Project Incubus,
a.k.a. "The Rowdy 3".

Normally, confronting these subjects
would be a 40-man operation.

I'd want 10 men
for every one of them.

Well, I appreciate your confidence in me
providing adequate support, sir.

That's not exactly what I was saying.

Let me be clear,

under no circumstances
are you to engage

unless I give the word.

Understood.

May I suggest cinnamon?

What?

As the word you give.

In situations like this--

well, different situations from this,

- I use the word "cinnamon," so I--
- Corporal Friedkin...

did you read the files I gave you?

Yes, sir. I read them.

It was a couple days ago, though,

and some of the words
were really hard to understand.

"The Rowdy 3" are "Project Incubus."

They were some of the first subjects
taken into Black Wing.

They subside through the extortion
of psychic energy.

Originally,
we classified them as vampires.

Whoa. Shouldn't we have,

like, wooden stakes then,
and golden bullets?

No...
Golden bullets?

W--

We're not trying to kill anyone.
Just... follow my lead.

Sir...

if you don't mind me asking,

why didn't they send you any back-up?

I mean, why didn't they
send you more back-up?

It has been suggested that I'm too close.

Too emotionally involved,

and that blinds me
to realities of the situation.

But the truth is,

no one knows these people
the way I do.

If we handle this calmly,

these men can be reasoned with.

Understood?

Cinnamon.

No.

No.

Are you sure it was a safe idea
to get into a van with a bunch of, uh...

crazy strangers?

You sure it's safe idea to let
a crazy stranger in your van?

Oh!
She totally flipped it!

Flip-flop-flipped!

This is not the first van full of assholes
that I've ridden around in.

Except I was usually drunk.

Bottoms up! Drink it!

Whoo!

So, who are...

Are you guys, like--

I'm Martin.

That's Gripps...

he's Vogle,

and that one right there,
he's Cross.

- I'm Cross.
- That's what he said.

- Are you Dirk's friends, or--
- Who's Dirk?

The guy that...
you've been following.

The British guy who...

you do, like, the zappy thing to.

That's your friend.

Ain't no friend of ours.

Yeah, he's not our friend,
he's British.

Yeah, we've just been
following him around

since his energy tastes so good,

He's got gourmet panic,
ain't that right, boys?

Yeah!

His energy?
What are you guys, like... hippies?

No.

Is that what you did to me?

You like...

ate my emotions?

You sucked the energy
out of my nerves?

You catch on quick.

Now, that thing you got,

it's like a...

how would you say, uh,

a buffet for us.

Like fear?
Mm! Num-num-num-num.

Pain? Ow!

Mm! Num-num...

- Confusion? Ca-caw!
- It was so crazy!

We've never seen
anything like it before!

You were, like, gonzo-nutballs!

Yeah, your eyes were all... funny.

You see anything cool?

Yeah.

Rimmer?

Sure, I know him.
He works here.

That was Gordon Rimmer's house
that got burnt down?

Yes, burned to the ground.

Yeah, I saw that on the news.

Wait, so you think Gordon

had something to do with that body
that was found in his house?

Was it really Lux DuJour?

It's part of an ongoing investigation.

I can't believe he's really dead.

You don't seem very surprised

that Gordon Rimmer might have
been involved in a crime.

I think everybody saw that coming.

- Why?
- Well, the guy's a prick.

Did you work closely with him?

No, thank God.

He used to be in charge
of the old animal transfer unit,

but it's abandoned now.

What's in it?

- Nothing.
- Nothing?

Really?

Yeah.

You're saying that there's
an abandoned building on zoo property

that Gordon Rimmer had access to?

Yeah. It's condemned.
Supposed to get torn down.

Well, do you think we can
get a look at this building?

- I don't have keys.
- Who has keys?

You'll have to talk
to the operations manager,

it's a property thing.

Okay, well, thank you for your time.

No problem.

How do we know
this is the right spot?

The map isn't exactly specific.

Well, Patrick Spring
obviously believed in us.

I kind of hoped
you'd randomly lead us

to the exact right place.

I did.

No, I stopped the car
to check the map,

and then you got out to start digging.

- That's not--
- I'm sure it'll work out--

as long as we find
the thing we're looking for.

And what's that again?

Well...

we'll know it when we find it.

You are psychic.

No, I'm...

digging.

Ooh...

Are you hungry?

- No.
- Well, I'm starving.

There's a restaurant right there.

You want me
to bring you back something?

Doesn't matter.

Look... you really think

you'll miss your opportunity
to kill Dirk Gently

by...

eating some human food?

What's this?

Sweet and sour pork.

Pork?

Yeah, pork.

You know, pig?

Why do people call it "pork"?

So we don't feel guilty about eating pigs.

I never seen any of this before.

You've never had Chinese food?

I never been to China.

You must have eaten it in a restaurant.

Food comes to me
when I'm supposed to eat it.

Hey, listen, um,

you wouldn't happen
to have any money?

I have money.

How much do you have?

$17,000.

Whose rooms are these?

It's ours.

What?!

How?

I... It's a hotel.

Have you ever...

You've never slept
in a hotel room before.

All this stuff, your own room,

it's kind of a parade just to sleep, right?

Okay, I'm gonna take a shower.

They got a shower in here?

Bart, are you okay?

As much as I ever am.

You've been in there a while.

This drink tastes bad!

Drink? What...

No, no, no, that's shampoo.

Don't drink that!

That's for your hair.

Well, why does it got
a fruit on the bottle?

Hey, Ken?

Yeah?

You're still here.

Yeah, I am.

Dirk?

Don't tell me you're giving up?

We've only dug, like,

what, 30...

million holes?

I think we're in the wrong spot.

We gotta double check the map.

What if maybe the X's
aren't even for something buried?

Well, we have to dig somewhere.

I mean, I think the ground
is a great place to start.

You're right,
I take it back, you're not psychic.

What a relief.

Look, it's late.
Let's pack it in for the night,

and try another one of the marks
on the map in the morning--

You gain nothing from giving up, Todd.

Oh, don't start
with the Zen master stuff, okay?

It worked a lot better before
I figured out you were a mess, too.

Fair point.

I suppose.

But wouldn't it just be one more thing
you walked away from?

You know, I was thinking
about those trap rooms,

how you solve them,
but then there's always another,

and I think...

maybe life is like that, too.

Just an endless series
of rooms with puzzles,

and then eventually
one of them kills you.

That's dark and depressing.

Well, giving up is an answer, I suppose.

It'd certainly be easier.

But it's an easy road to nowhere.

What if one more shovel in the dirt
is all it would take?

Go ahead.

One more, and then we quit.

Nah, you're right, Todd.

Let's move back to Kansas
and be farmers, come on--

Wait, no, one more,
just to prove me wrong.

No, when you're right, you're right,
and you're right, let's quit.

You want to try one more,
try one more.

Look, all I was saying is,
if you don't try, you'll never know.

I get it!
But now I can't leave.

I knew it.

What is it?

A thing.

Let's go, boys!
Show Drummer how we have fun!

Hey! Hey! Hey, stop!

Stop!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Go on. Hurt it.

Amanda!

Come on. Yeah.

Yeah!

Yeah!

You're not going to have to worry
about that shit anymore.

You brought the cat.

Well, of course, I did.

Are you ever going to tell me
why you took it from the crime scene?

Hunch?

Of course.

My back is killing me.

I haven't slept in a car
since my last band.

When was that?

Aw, jeez.

Um...

must be six years ago now?

Yeah, it didn't end... perfect.

I actually kind of
messed it up pretty bad.

Some not great-- No, some...
some really bad choices.

You know, Todd,

something I've learned is that

when I'm looking behind me,

I can't see ahead of me.

Are you saying that dwelling on my past
is holding me back?

No, I literally can't see over there
when I'm looking back here.

Which is why it's good
to have you here.

Together,

we can see
in two places at once.

Wanna dig up some more weird crap
buried by a dead guy?

More than anything else in the world.

What does this have
to do with the missing girl?

Well, we have reason to believe

that she was last seen
with Gordon Rimmer.

- By the, uh, the bellhop.
- Yeah, by the bellhop.

- Yes, by Todd Brotzman.
- Todd Brotzman.

Plus, we just spoke
to the top zoo official

about getting into the
building where Rimmer worked.

And they said the place,
the "animal transfer unit," is condemned.

- Yeah, locked up.
- Nothing there.

- Nothing there, so they say.
- And you don't believe them?

No, we don't believe them, so please,
why can't we just go inside, take a look?

Doesn't sound like
you got enough for a warrant.

What?

What is this, a joke?

Gordon Rimmer
was seen with Lydia Spring.

The very next day,
his house burns down,

they find a body inside.

His dog was visible on a tape
from the Perryman Grand!

His dog!

And now we're telling you
that we have access

to an abandoned building,
where he used to work!

And you're telling us
we can't go inside?

Plus, animal control never followed up
on that missing shark.

Plus, animal control--

I don't see it.

I don't think a judge will either.

Move on.

What was that?

What the hell just happened to us?

- Am I losing my mind?
- No, you're not losing your mind.

I don't know.

Maybe he's covering
for some Major Crimes shit-fit,

I don't know.

We're not wasting any more time.

What are you thinking?

Are we sure this is all of them?

Here, here. Like this.

That's the wrong-- Oh...

Ah, yes.
No, I was just about to do that.

Tremendous assisting, Todd!

What do you think this thing is?

Maybe Edgar Spring's machine,
the Unlimited Energy Device.

- Really?
- I don't know,

but if we can trade it for Lydia Spring,
I should think it's our top priority.

Listen, Dirk, I've been meaning
to ask you something.

Do you ever, like... see things?

- See things?
- Like visions of the future?

No, of course not.

Okay, right,
th-this might sound crazy,

but when you gave me this shirt...

Okay

I've seen this shirt before.

Listen, the day it all happened,
the day Patrick Spring died,

I saw something.

I saw something really--

Look out!

Oh, shit!

Dirk!

Jed, get down!
He's got the shark!

A kitten and a shark...

The kitten is the shark.

Todd...

I think we found the murder weapon.

No visual on the Incubus Subjects.

They're close.

I'll handle it.

You watch from here.

Visual on the girl.

Don't move.

Got it.

It's your birthday!

Whoo!

Vogle! Boys! We need to talk!
Martin, we need to talk.

You should not be here.

Now, the Rowdy 3
ain't got no use for you.

Simmer down...

You're going to have to do
more than that to scare me.

Shut up with that shit!

You kiss your mother
with that mouth, Cross?

See what you did there?

You stepped yourself
into a nasty situation.

You don't tell us what to do no more--

Not trying to tell you what to do,
I just wanna talk--

- We should stomp his ass--
- Gripps...

Your family misses you, Gripps.

Your family's gonna miss you, too--

What are we waiting for? It's him!

He's the guy!
Let's stomp his ass!

That's very tough, Vogle.
You sound like a real grown-up.

You're not gonna put me
and my rowdy boys

back in no cages, man!

I'm trying to save your lives,
it's different this time--

We're not going back to no freak zoo!

Drop the weapons!

What in God's name are you doing?

Drop the weapons
and back down now!

Let her go now.

- What?
- Let her go.

Let her go. Now.

Just trying to take control
of the situation, sir.

- We see you.
- Don't think we don't.

- We're gonna get you.
- Sh-Shut up!

And back down! Now!

That's low...

Even for your kind of scum.

Don't be scared, Drummer girl.
We'll see you again.

Let's go!

Martin!

Vogle!

Goddammit!

She bit me!

That's enough.

What? Sir, I was just...
just trying to--

This is bad.

This is very bad.

Are we actually doing this?

Yeah,
we're actually gonna do this.

You're goddamn right.

He was acting awfully funny.

Something's wrong,
something's very wrong.

We're gonna go there right now.

But is it the right thing to do?

For Lydia.

If she's even still alive.

What kinda thing is that to say?

What's wrong with you?

I'm trying to be positive here, stay positive.

Why didn't they just kill us in our sleep
and take the map?

I don't think they even knew we had it.
It was the machine they were after.

- Ow!
- Hold still.

Why did they have to be pink?

Ask the cook, it's his jeep.

Thanks, Todd.

You know, for someone who constantly
talks about what an asshole he is,

you're quite a good friend.

What?

No.

No, Dirk,

I'm a terrible friend.

You just, like...

project that friend stuff onto me.

You know what I was thinking about

when I was staring down
the barrel of that gun?

- Bullets?
- Amanda.

How if I die,

there will be no one
to take care of her.

- You're a good brother.
- No.

No, I'm a shitty brother.

I'm a shitty person.

I was thinking about
how if I die right now,

I'll never have the chance to make up
for all the stuff I've done to her.

D... Done to her?

Todd, I think with both of you
sharing the disease,

you supporting her has been--

I didn't have the disease.

I didn't have Pararibulitis.

- What? Then--
- It ran in my family.

I lied and said I did

so my parents
would send me money

and I wouldn't have to work.

But why--

Why not just...

get a job, or--

I don't know.

I can't even remember
the first time I lied about it.

I don't even relate
to that person anymore.

I just...

I don't know.

I don't know.

So...

when Amanda really got sick
with the disease that I was faking,

I realized that she needed
the cash more than me, so...

I said I got better.

But it was too late.

My parents had already
run out of money.

But you support her...

- Maybe you--
- I couldn't.

She thinks I was cured of a disease
that she actually has.

Do you know
how many times she's told me

that's what gets her through the day?

That's what gives her hope.

How could I take that away from her?

So...

there's your assistant,

friend, whatever, Dirk.

I am, and always have been,
a total and complete asshole.

Where's the kitten?

Oh.

Shit.

Kitten!

- Kitten! Here, Kitten.
- Kitten!

Bart?

Bart, wait!

I'm sick of hangin' around like a coconut.
You're slowin' me down.

All this sleeping and eating stuff,

it distracts you from
what you gotta get done.

Where are you--
What are you doing?

- See? There we go.
- Wait, what are you doing?

I'm gonna kill that guy.

That's Dirk Gently?

I don't know, Ken,
let's kill him and find out--

- Wait, what?
- I thought we got over this.

This is not like Red and the bikers,

you can't just kill some guy,

in broad daylight,
in the middle of a crowded street.

It's what I do, Ken.

It's all I do.
It's the will of the universe--

I know, I know, okay?

But you don't want
to end up in jail, right?

I mean, how are you going
to fulfill your mission to kill to Dirk Gently

if you're locked up in a cell?

Maybe that's where Dirk Gently is.

In a women's prison?

You talk too much.

Hey!

You! Dickhead!

Come over here!

Come here!

Listen to me,

no more arguments,
no more excuses.

There is no stopping me,
nobody even slowing me down.

You touch me again,
you get in my way again,

I'm taking your head off.

Phoning 911 right now.
I don't know...

I need pants.

I thought this building
was supposed to be locked up.

Run the plates, right?

Let's check it out first.

Whoa, what if they're in there?

If they're in there,
then they're in there.

This place has got
all kinds of code violations.

You think?

You ever seen graffiti like this?

This is some new kind of crazy.

What is this place, Zim?

Stay close. Keep quiet.

Oh, shit...

- Oh, that stinks.
- Holy shit.

Oh, my God.

35 bodies. Like, 35 bodies.

I wanna see the captain stonewall this,
this is headline news.

Still no bars.

It's gotta be all that electrical stuff
in there causing interference.

Well, go, radio,
radio for some back-up.

Radio for the entire forensic team.

Goddamn it, call the whole National Guard!

There is gonna be trouble.

Yup...
I can smell it.

Zim, I just don't think--

Zim?

Zim, come on, buddy.

Come on, come on,
come on, come on.

I told you to stay down!

Lydia?

Zim, you with me?

You need to get up.
Come on.

Come on! Come on!

Hang in there, Zim!

You hear me?

Talk to me, buddy!
Hospital's only 10 minutes away.

You hear me?

Zim!

All right.

All right, all right...

No, no, no...
We're gonna get you some help.

We're gonna get you some help, okay?

S...

Save...

Don't, Zim, please.

Save Lydia Spring.

No...

Oh, God...

Shit, shit!

No...

Psst!

Psst!

We're never gonna find her.

It's pointless,
she's long gone by now.

Have you ever felt directionless?

Like you didn't know what to do next?

I thought that was your thing.
"Everything is connected."

It is.

Everything is connected.

But only I can see it.

I'm not psychic.

But I am...

something.

When I was young, I would get...
intuitions about things.

Little hunches about
the way the universe worked.

But they never...

It was like reading
in another language,

like signs with symbols
I didn't understand.

Well, then
why don't you, you know,

use it to keep yourself safe, or--

Because that's not how it works.

The hunches don't help me.

Ever.

So I figured I might as well
use them to try to help other people.

You're the first person

who's actually
stuck around and helped.

You're the first person
who's actually acted like a friend,

whether you acknowledge it or not,

and to be totally candid,

I'm a bit sick
of your bullshit, Todd.

What?

Well, I just wish you'd stop
saying you're an asshole.

I don't think you are,
so it comes off a bit cheap.

Cheap?

Have you not been listening?

It's very easy to act like a jerk,

and then say,
"Well, I'm a jerk so that's that."

But it's not like...
being a bloody werewolf, is it?

It's just you making excuses
for your excuses.

I don't have any friends.

I am always surrounded by bizarre
and frightening states of disaster,

and I am always alone.

Even you keep saying
you're not my friend.

But since you're
the closest thing I've had,

I'd really appreciate it

if you'd stop
calling yourself an asshole.

Okay.

You're right.

Huh?

When we get back in the morning,

we'll solve the murder
of Patrick Spring,

save Lydia,

and figure out
whatever the hell that thing is.

And...

I'll tell Amanda the truth.

About everything.

And Dirk...

I am your friend.

Whoa!

Why do you have a knife?

O-kay.

Dude...

I am so happy to see you.

Are you okay?

No.

Shit's crazy.

I'll tell you
whatever you want to know.

Excellent.

Yes, okay, that's good.

Okay, perfect, um...

spectacular, uh,

just so you're aware,

everything is under control.

Everything is under, uh--

Are you okay?

Listen, did you talk to your brother,

or, um...

uh, Dirk?

No. What's going on?

I just saw Lydia Spring.

I read your report, but I wanted
a more personal account.

Shouldn't you be asking
my superior officer, Ma'am?

I'm asking you, Corporal.

I am ultimately
in charge of this operation,

but I wanted to ask your opinion.

My understanding of the mission

is that we're to bring in
the subjects of Black Wing,

Ma'am.

Correct.

We tried Project Icarus first.

Dirk Gently.

And?

He said he didn't want to, Ma'am.

"Didn't want to."

That's right.
Didn't want to be brought in.

Something about a... rough childhood,

Ma'am.

I suggested a more
aggressive approach,

but Colonel Riggins rejected it.

I see.

So you next moved on
to Project Incubus?

That's right, but we were
met with strong hostile response.

Colonel Riggins' choice to...

confront them without back-up...

I suggested a more
traditional means of attack,

but that was vetoed
by the Colonel, Ma'am.

So your strategy
would have been to...

use a more
aggressive approach?

Yes, Ma'am.

Truth is,

Colonel Riggins is too close.

He's emotionally involved,

and it's blinding him
from the realities of the situation.

There's a reason
why the Neanderthals fell

to the Homo Erectus.

Do you think you are capable
of being more aggressive?

Yes, ma'am.

Very erectus.

Much more aggressive.