Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (2016–2017): Season 1, Episode 4 - Watkin - full transcript

My name is Joseph Weedle.

I'm an FBI agent.

You can't do this to me!

Rapunzel, get the hell off of him!

Dammit!

All right.

Oh, stop whining,

you were done
with that body anyways.

Put him in the machine!

What are you doing?
You can't do this to me!

Here, come on, let's go,
we're behind the clock here.



Go. Go!

God... Idiots.

In perpetuum.

In perpetuum.

Ah...

Yeah, clear here.

Brother.

Brothers.

See, I told you
it would all work out.

What about the obsolete soul?

Oh, yeah.

Hmm. Oh, well.

Oh, good girl.
Goodbye, Agent Weedle.

Get it! Get!



Can I eat this?

What is it?

Dirk made that.
Don't eat it.

Can I ask you a question?
I'm gonna ask.

What?

Your apartment.

It did not
used to look like this.

Yeah, there was a whole...

thing.

I swear to God,

you are the shadiest person
in the world.

Todd! Todd, come out!

Farah says
she's solved the mystery!

Todd, come out!

Farah says she didn't
solve the mystery!

Oh, God...

Are they waiting for you?

I think he thinks
he's waiting for me.

What about Farah?

Dude! Seriously?

A magic detective
and a hot chick

want you
to come hang with them,

and you're acting like
it's the worst thing ever.

I don't want
to drag you into it.

Drag me!

I wanna get dragged.

I'm trying to keep you safe.

Okay, Todd, we're leaving!

They're leaving.

You'll be okay?

You're gonna go?

- It--
- I'll be fine.

- I worry.
- I know you do.

But... I have your number,

I have Dirk's number,

I even have Farah's number.

I'll be fine.

Ooh! Take your cool guy jacket.

You look good in it.

Why?

Farah.

I see the looks.

- The looks?
- You-her.

Not her-you.

Dirk's got a jacket,
she's got a jacket.

Jacket Team, go.

I'll stay here,
I'll clean this place up.

- Really?
- No, hell no.

Hey...

I love you.

Yeah, I know.

Hey! It-it's me!
Wait up.

Hey.

C-couldn't find
my jacket.

That's what...
took so long.

I was telling Dirk,

1978, height
of the oil crisis, right?

Edgar Spring,
Patrick's father,

buried his own power grid,
three-mile radius,

calls it
"Springsborough--"

There's a grid.
It's under our feet.

We're walking on it
right now.

They say he had
an unlimited energy device.

Who?

Edgar Spring!
Aren't you listening?

He powered
this part of the city

for 30 years, on his own.

Power went dark around the time
he bought back the Webb Mansion

from the government.

What happened
to Edgar Spring?

No one knows.

Some people say he died.

Some people say
he's still out there somewhere.

Why didn't you
just ask Patrick?

He never talked about it.

After his wife, Catherine,
was murdered,

he totally removed himself

from anything having to do
with Springsborough.

I didn't even know
about this place.

So... the unlimited energy device,

that's the machine
those guys are after?

The bad guys, right?

The bad--

Yes, but no one
ever found it.

Until now.

- Did you find it?
- No. But--

The schematic we found,

it's a layout
of Spring's power grid,

including the Ridgely,

with only one access point.

And would you believe,

could you ever for a second
imagine where that would be?

Because it's right here.

Jesus Christ, this thing?

I drive by it every day
on my way to work.

Are we gonna climb this fence?
I want to climb the fence.

Who's climbing the fence?
Me first!

How long have you been
his assistant?

Three days.

Three days?

Four, really.

I assumed you'd been
together for years.

Why would you think that?

Todd! Push my bum!
Make me go up!

Right.
No, we just met, and I hate him.

Hello.

Hello, police detectives.

Agent Weedle, we didn't
expect to see you so soon.

This situation is a mess.

You got anything on Farah Black?

Lydia Spring's bodyguard?

No, we haven't found her yet.

Anything I can read on her?
I have some questions.

Only some?

Sure.

And the bodies from the penthouse
still haven't turned up.

We're starting to think
they were stolen.

We pulled them.

I'm sorry, what?

The FBI pulled them.

Part of a larger issue,
none of your concern.

We asked you, to your face,

"Did you transfer out
the bodies?"

Oh, yeah, well,
at the time...

we didn't think
you needed to know.

Did you connect
to Dirk Gently?

I've been trying to get
some more info on the guy.

No Dirk Gently,
but Todd Brotzman walked himself in.

Brotzman?

Gently's assistant?

The bellhop?

Did he mention a corgi?

What do you know
about the corgi?

What corgi?

The one you just
asked about--

Forget that.
Did you arrest Brotzman?

Brotzman...

For what?

Are you kidding me?

What is this, amateur hour?

Are you guys
just pretending to be cops?

Brotzman, Farah Black,
Dirk Gently,

what, these are just wild
cards to you right now?

Does Missing Persons
even get badges,

or, what, just, like,
some type of laminated--

Okay, you gonna
have to hold...

Nathan.

Where's Nathan?

Nathan...

Your partner.
Nathan?

Where can I find Brotzman?

The Ridgely.

You were investigating
his landlord, Dorian.

Shouldn't you--

I'll speak
with Brotzman myself,

straighten some things out.

I like your office.

Am I having a stroke?

Could that guy not hear me?

And two days ago,
that dude was quiet.

When did he become
Billy Bad-Ass?

We said too much.

There is something wrong.

There is something...

seriously wrong.

'Cause you know
what he really wanted.

Something's weird
about that dog.

Oh.

What do you think
Patrick wants us to find?

I mean,
how do we even know

he's the good guy here?

I have to find Lydia.

I messed this up.

What?

I wasn't there when he died.

But that's not fair.

You were trying to find
his kidnapped daughter.

You were handcuffed
to a bed.

Yeah. That was my fault.

It was your job,

and you...

Look, I-I mean,

these guys are dangerous,

and if it's just, like,
some kind of...

M-Maybe we shouldn't...

I mean,
I-I left Amanda alone, so...

maybe we shouldn't...

There's a little girl
out there who needs me.

You saw Lydia Spring,

and as far as I can tell,
the only people looking for her

are him,

me, and you.

Patrick knew
he was going to die,

and this is the only lead
he left us,

so we're going
to figure it out, okay?

Okay?

Say "Okay."

Say "O-

kay."

Okay.

Okay--

Help!

I've fallen in a... thing!

There are traps here,
apparently!

It's a whole
spooky trap ancient area.

Very much dangerous!

I turned the crank
we found in the lab,

which was a mistake
to do unsupervised, perhaps,

now that I think about it.

This crank?

I don't understand what you--

Todd Brotzman?

Nope.

Is he home?
F.B.I.

Wait, like...

for real F.B.I.?

Yes, Ma'am.
Can you let me in?

Okay, well, uh,
Todd's not here.

I can wait.

Like, just stand there?
'Cause...

he might be a really long time.

Not a problem.

What the...

Where are we?

Underground.
And there's a corridor.

And it's dark.

This is it.
This is the clue, right?

You're asking me?

Are you injured?

Where are you?

Farah, don't step where I did!

Yeah, that seemed like
a poor choice.

Hey! Don't wander off.

I'm investigating!

Ooh.

What can you see?

Uh, it's dark.

There's seems to be

some kind of passage.

Okay, let me see

if I can find something
to get you out of there.

Hello?

Hey, it's Amanda.

Sorry, I tried to call
Todd and Dirk,

but, uh, it went
straight to voicemail.

Is everything cool?

Who are you talking to?

It's your sister!

Is she okay?

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine, but, uh...

there is a guy here.

F.B.I., he says.

F.B.I.?
What does he want?

He's asking for Todd.

He says he'll wait outside
until he comes back.

Where is Todd?

What's Amanda saying?

She wants to know
where you are!

Don't tell her
I'm in a secret passage!

He's in a secret passage.

What?! Oh!

- She's excited!
- Of course.

Seriously?

Wait, what do you mean
he'll wait outside?

He's not just
standing outside, is he?

That's exactly what he's doing.

That's not right at all.
That's against protocol.

Is Amanda okay?

I'm coming back.
Don't let him in.

Got it.

I'll be right back
to get you out of there.

Stay there.

Wait!
Get me out of here!

Hello?

Farah!

We should definitely
go down this passageway.

Dirk, wait!

Dirk, we should just
stay here!

Dirk!

Hi.

Hey.

Gordon.

Hey.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

I'm fine.

What's this?

A present.

Aw, Gordon.

I told you.

Honey, you gotta--

you gotta stop
getting me things.

It's just not gonna change
the way I feel.

It's the last one.

Promise.

This Lux stuff...

You really cared
about him, huh?

When he disappeared,

I think everyone
just sort of...

you know, was waiting.

Just waiting for him
to come back.

This F.B.I. guy,
your new boyfriend, where's he--

Gone.

Probably back to his wife.

What was his name again?

Nathan.

What?

Uh...

Life is wild.

I'll drink to that.

F.B.I.
Ready to let me in?

No.
Todd is coming soon, so--

This door is broken.

Hoped you wouldn't notice.

I don't want you in here,

and you can't just come in
without--

- I think I'll wait inside.
- No.

Are you serious? No.

Get out of here right now.

You shouldn't be alone.

If anything happened to you,

who would come looking?

Dirk, this is crazy.

Lots of debris.

Careful.

Probably earthquake damage.

Who cares?
There's a door.

You think it leads
to a way out?

Possibly.
Maybe even probably.

Definitely?

Where did you get that?

Spring's lab,

same place I got the crank
that got us in.

You just... stole stuff?

No, found.

It's like stealing,
but no one yells at you.

I call it... an "Everbulb."

I think it's using electricity
from our bodies to power itself.

Edgar was absolutely obsessed
with electricity.

Fantastic, right?

Do you not see?

Can you not comprehend
how freaking weird this is?

We are now underground
with a magic light bulb.

This place has
been here for decades,

and even if Patrick Spring
hid something in his father's maze,

what the hell
does this guy want?

What now?

What is this place?

Something from Patrick Spring.

A message...

I think the message is,
"You're going to die."

We're going to be crushed, Todd!

Distressingly slow!

Ah! And burnt!

Burnt and crushed to death
like Watkin in Star War!

It's too bright in here!

- Give me your jacket!
- What's wrong with yours?

Give it to me, now!

Oh, well done.

Now our death is even more
stabbier than before!

Why would Patrick Spring
send us here?

To kill us!

Kill...

or test.

He left the crank to let us in.
He wants us to be here!

Maybe he's
an awful person, Todd!

Maybe he wants to see

that we have something
that no one else has.

The Everbulb!

Find an open socket. Now!

Ah!

I got it, got it!
Give me the bulb!

It didn't work!

Why plug in a bulb
that lights itself?

Because it's not a bulb.

The bulb is a key--
It's a doorknob!

Nicely done, Todd.

How are we going
to get out of here?

This is another one
of those chambers.

There must be another door
down there somewhere.

Wait, Todd,

what if there's another
killer machine?

We cannot just
walk blindly into it--

Wait,
"We can't just walk blindly?"

You're saying this?

Come on,
I'm getting out of here,

whether the Spring family
likes it or not.

T-Todd?

You're close to your brother.

We're related.

And he's close to Dirk Gently.

"Close" might be pushing it.

Why did Todd steal our dog?

Are you high right now?

You know, your brother
is yea-close to a warrant,

and, really, so are you.

Aiding. Abetting.

Probable cause.

You are.

You are high.

Hello, Amanda.

Everything okay?

I think so.

What did he ask you?

I'm not gonna lowball this...

he's being really weird.

Join me outside.

Ma'am, I think we'd--

Join me...

outside.

You don't get to--

What's your interest here?

Ma'am, I should ask
the questions--

- The Patrick Spring case?
- Yes.

Todd Brotzman is on your radar.

- Yes--
- First time you ever knew about his sister?

You're gonna need
to lose the tone.

I don't respond well to--

Your safety's off.

What?

Wrong side.

And your holster is on backwards.

Oh, shit!

You're so cool.

Loitering at a suspect's residence?

Unsupervised interrogation
of a suspect?

Where's your partner?

Who are you... really?

You know, when I first read

you were Spring's bodyguard
when he died,

I assumed you were going to be
a lot of help to us,

but you know what,
now I see it.

Now I see what stopped you
from going the agency route.

The psychological portion.

I...

I was just--

Being careful, right?

The same type of being careful

that led to you
being refused entry

into the Army Rangers,

the F.B.I.,

Naval Intelligence.

"Paranoid. Panic-prone.
Unstable."

Christ, you just laid hands
on a federal agent!

You need help.

I--! You don't--!

Look, those situations
were complicated,

and just...

Give me back
my goddamn gun right now,

and I won't have you arrested.

I'm not your enemy here.

If things get
any more confusing,

give me a call.

Maybe we can
untangle this together.

Todd, there's really no need
to be in such a rush.

- I'm not rushing.
- Yes, I think you are.

- Caution is the order of the day--
- Shh!

Okay, that's a problem.

Okay, walls not closing in.
That's good.

There has to be
a way out of here.

Oh, what is this?

No, no, don't touch that.
You don't know what it does.

It might be important.

Everything is a trap, okay?

- Oh, interesting, a rhino.
- A rhino?

Oh, it's a door!
Let's go--

No, slow down!

We should think about this
and take a minute, okay?

- No, just... Todd!
- What is your deal?

You're the one who keeps
dragging me into these situations,

and then, when shit hits the fan,
you fall apart.

It's not like I know things
are going to end up this way.

Okay, maybe
I should see a trend, but--

Look, Dirk, I'm just
trying to deal

with the realities
that you keep dragging me into.

You climbed a fence,

you cranked a thing,

you fell into the... thing.

Let's not reinvent the truth.

That fence was not climbed,

just... ambitiously fondled.

You created
this situation, yes, no?

Yes.

We almost just died.

We almost just got
crushed to death.

So stop making jokes
and acknowledge that,

not in panic, but to me,
as a person.

Okay?

I'm sorry, Todd.

Thank you.

Amanda needs me,

and you've trapped me in a...

death maze.

You keep calling me
your assistant, and I'm not that,

but I will help you if it means
getting out of here, so calm down.

- I feel reassured.
- Excellent.

Yes, despite your use of the
alarming term "death maze,"

I think you're getting good at this.

Wow, really?
That's great.

- Good.
- Very good.

- You're welcome.
- Thank you.

It's locked.

Are you're surprised by that?

I hope you're not smiling.

So, is my brother
still in a hole five blocks away?

I don't want
to leave you alone.

The F.B.I. agent
is still down there in his car.

I need to be sure
of your safety before I can leave.

What did your brother do?

Todd didn't do anything.

The F.B.I. doesn't come knocking
for people who didn't do anything.

Do we need a lawyer
or something?

Are you gonna help me figure out
this door over here, or what?

No, it's something
to do with this horn.

There must be some kind of
un-lock-y type puzzle to solve,

Like, like...

Like, what's the opposite
of a horn?

Or-- Ooh, maybe
it rhymes with "horn,"

that'd be pretty, uh,
archaeological, right?

Maybe we're not
supposed to be here.

Maybe this was supposed
to be for Farah, or--

- No, we're on the right track.
- How can you know that?

I always end up
exactly where I need to be,

despite the fact it's rarely
where I intended to go.

Sometimes, you just say stuff,

and it's like
you're just saying stuff.

Todd, you're not making sense.

What's this?

"Here lies Pepe.

Unless otherwise activated."

What's that
supposed to mean?

Pepe...

Pepe!

The family rhino.

That belonged to Patrick Spring,
not Edgar.

So he's been down here.

It was Patrick who left us the key,
or crank, or whatever.

That's the door.

It's opening.

All I had to do
was touch this thing!

- Hey, wait--
- Oh, now you say wait.

I thought you were all
gung-ho now, Todd.

I'm gung-ho, not suicidal.
We have to see what it--

Oh, come on, Todd,

it's just a bloody door,
it's not going to--

Take it off!

It burns! I'm burning!

What the hell is that thing!

- Pepe.
- Pepe!

Energy, some kind of a...

electrical ghost rhino? I...

"Electric ghost?"

How do we get out of here?
If that thing charges again...

You had to say that.

Think!
What are we missing?

Ooh!

Todd, the horn,
we have to connect the horn!

We can't connect that.
It's too big, it won't fit.

Wait, Todd, help me with this!
It's stuck fast!

Connect...

Wait, connect the horn.

Dirk, grab my hand!

What are you talking about?

Please, just trust me,
I know what I'm doing!

- I think.
- What?

Is it gone?

He's gone.

How did you know
that would work?

Conductivity.

Connect the rhino
to the horn.

Do you have a lot of secret
scientific knowledge you aren't sharing?

I used to play
the electric guitar.

How many times have you
electrocuted yourself?

Enough.

Well, I hope you're
not claustrophobic.

No, I don't even like coffee.

What about Brotzman and Gently?

They weren't home.

Stuck it out,
but the woman was there.

Protecting the sister.

This is spiraling out of control.

This has been spiraling
out of control!

Don't be ridiculous.

I'll be there soon.

Something wrong?

I just...

I... I lost my dog.

Nothing I can't handle.
Here, just open...

Open your present.

Gordon.

What is this?

It was made by an artisan
in Tibet.

Yak fur.

Meant to symbolize
the endless cycle of the universe.

That's Lux's story.

This is Lux's coat.

Do you want to know
what happened to Lux?

Where he went, what he did?

You loved him.

Come with me now.

I can show you everything.

Is it another puzzle?

Um...

Dirk, I don't know about this one.

Jesus...

What if there's a hundred
more rooms like this?

I don't think so.

The brick.

The Ridgely?

It led us
all the way back.

Everything is connected,

and I think this is the end.

I am perfectly qualified.

I was in contention--

What does he know?
He's a...

He's a stupid little
know-nothing not-knower.

You're kind of
a weird person, huh?

No, I'm not.
I'm a normal person.

Yeah, but you're weird, too.
You're like a weird normal.

I am a perfectly regular person,

who can blend seamlessly
in with others.

I'm not weird, or strange,

and even if you think I am,

you're-- you're confused,

you're just very confused.

- Clearly.
- Yeah.

F.B.I. guy's finally leaving.

Shouldn't we call
Todd and Dirk?

This is it.

There was another thingie
just like this thingie

in the secret lab
at the Webb Mansion, Todd.

This plug thingie,
it's the same... thingie!

This must be the thingie
that allowed Edgar Spring

to power Springsborough.

Well, certainly not
what it's doing now.

What does this mean?

I have no idea.

"Kitten..."

"Shark."

How did you..?

The kitten and the shark.

Of course,
so that means...

Of course?
What "of course"?

Dog.

Girl.

This makes sense.

It does?

Well, it did until right now.

Unless...

One... Three...

Three questions, one answer.

How could you have
possibly known that?

It's a map!

What was that?

Uh... this is bad.

It's too damaged.
The room is broken!

Todd, look,
I'm not freaking out.

They're still not picking up.

I should go.

What's happening?
What's wrong?

I think I'm having an attack.

What should I do?

I smell fire.

Me too.

Oh, shit.

Is this the front
of the building?

Uh...

Todd?

Todd, is that you?

Farah! Farah!
We're trapped in here!

Break through the wall!

- Farah, what's happening?
- They're trapped.

Todd, get down!

Amanda, stay back.

It's okay, I know these guys.

What?

Todd!

Oh, no, not this again.

- Tasty.
- So tasty.

I needed that.

Who are those guys?!

This is the coolest thing
that has ever happened to you.

Being burnt alive?

Almost burnt alive.

It's so punk.

Too bad about your jacket.

- I'll live.
- I was talking to Todd.

The way you made it sound,

that maze was made
for you specifically.

That's impossible.

Edgar Spring must've built
the power node and the maze

for his Unlimited Energy Device,

but the traps were
all Patrick's doing.

Why would he do that?
Why would he send us down there?

Maybe it was for you, Farah,

maybe we did something wrong.

What about the map?

What map?
Map to the power node?

No, a new map.

How many freaking maps
is this guy doing?

He's mapping way too much.

It showed up right before
the place started to blow.

I mean, it was just a second--

Wait, there was a map,

on, like, a bunch of screens?

Yes, but only for a second.

Gnarly.

Hey, Amanda...

Wait!

There's something here.

Like a... a socket.

Will this fit?

Holy shit.

How did you know
to do that?

Hunch.

Wildly suspicious.

Yeah, and yours aren't?

No...

No way.

So how could he possibly
know our names?

This is Skagit Valley.

It's four hours from here.

A treasure map.

We leave first thing
in the morning.

"We?"

Right.

I suppose it could be
very dangerous, couldn't it?

I guess we'll see.

Gordon, this place is weird.

Come on.

There you go.

There's Lux.

This is all Lux's stuff.

Oh...

What did you do to him?

We found this thing,
in the '60s.

It came to us from
another dimension or something.

And then-
and then we figured out

that we could swap bodies
with it.

We started
with animals at first.

It was a spiritual thing.

But then we realized,

we could kidnap rich people
and swap bodies with them,

and then, when they outlived
their usefulness,

we'd just kill them
and swap back.

Mostly, it was retired folks,
but then we got ambitious.

Athletes, and famous actors,
and, uh...

rock stars.

We've been doing this
for, uh...

Christ, for 50 years.

You're crazy.

You're saying that Lux
was one of these people.

I jumped into him
after the second album.

I was the comeback.

Wait...

you never even met the real Lux.

He was long gone by then.

He was not even...
I don't know...

I... I gotta leave.

No, no, no. Not yet.

What?

I want you to meet
some of my friends.

You, Fred...

No. No...

You did good today.

I'm not mad.

I brought you here,
I brought all of you here

to show you
that I am doing my part.

I brought all of you here

to show you that what
they say about me isn't true.

This is crazy...

See, Spring's Machine

is, uh...

is within our grasp.

Oh... Oh, yeah.

Within our grasp.

We know where they are,

where they all are.

The detective,
the bodyguard,

the bellboy,
his sister...

We will find
that other machine.

This is our destiny!

That's why
I brought her here today...

To show you...

I've outgrown all these things.

I don't want the things
that Lux wanted anymore.

I am taking back control!

Sammy...

Do you remember

when we were together
on that yacht

off the coast of Portugal?

Do you remember?

Sammy...

Do you remember
when you still loved me?

Before I was all...this.

Do you remember what I told you?

"When I die,

you die."

Yes.

Lux?

What happened to you?

I died.