Dinosaurs (1991–1994): Season 2, Episode 23 - Leader of the Pack - full transcript

Honey, I'm home.

Mother, there must be
more for you to do

than sit around and watch
the grass grow.

We're back with more
grass-growing action.

What an exciting lawn this has
turned out to be, right, Arnie?

You've got that right, Howard.

We've been watching
this dichondra for four days

and have seen nearly
a quarter inch of growth.

Oh and... l understand

we're going back down
to the lawn right now.

Let's watch.



The weather's so nice,
I thought we'd go to the swamp.

- Would you like to come?
- What for?

The baby will play in the scum.

- I've got my scum bucket.
- You and I can sun on a rock.

No, it's too late in the day.

All the good rocks will be taken.

- Oh, Mother, live a little.
- Al little is all I got left.

I don't want to waste it doing things.

Hi, Grandma. Hi, Mom.
Bye, Mom.

Charlene? Why don't you do something
with your grandmother today?

Ooh, gee. A tempting offer.

And though it may be hard to believe,

I'm gonna have to pass.
Maybe another time, 'K?

It's not a request. It's an order.



Oh, then I'd love to.

Not.

Hey, Grandma.

What?

You want to do something?

You know, we could, um...
um... uh...

Oh, uh... think.

Oh... Uh, you could get out
the old photo album,

and you could tell me all about
your friends who had operations,

or we could do
something with yarn.

No, I'm fine here.

If I run out of things to do,

I can always die.

Uh! Ma. Uh, bye-bye.

Mother, you're impossible.

Hmm.

Ice hockey!

Yeah, there you go!

- Earl?
- What?

You're watching TV in here,

and Mother's watching TV in there.

Wouldn't it be more fun if you
watched TV in the same room?

Only if... the TV
was crushing her head.

[both laughing]

I'm just concerned that
she seems a little depressed.

Would you check on her
once in a while?

And when you see her,
say something nice.

Hey, the game's starting.

Yeah, fine, fine. I promise.

Thank you.

[male announcer] It's
a beautiful day at Lake Oldivy.

Here comes the brontosaurus
team out on the ice.

Ooh! And they're going
through the ice into the water.

An unfortunate but
all too familiar turn of events

for this large accident-plagued team

of large, clumsy herbivores.

Well, they're dead.

[gasping]

Ohhh!

Helicopters have arrived to try

to hoist this damp and
discouraged brontosaurus team

out of the freezing water.

Munchy time.

Hey, don't forget to say
something nice

to the mother-in-law.

[both] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How you doing there, Ethyl?

Like I care.

[humming]

- [creature 1] Here's a beer!
- [creature 2] Yeah, have two!

- [creature 1] Don't drive!
- Give me a brew. Thank you.

So, Ethyl, what a lovely, um...

Um... lovely, um...

Blanket you've got draped
over your legs.

You done with those?

Thanks.

Hey, you talk to your mother-in-law?

Yeah. You know, it was one
of the nicer chats we ever had.

She wasn't obnoxious,

she wasn't insulting, she didn't hit me.

Oh, my gosh, she's dead.

Ethyl? Hello?

Are you dead?

Hey, hey, I got an idea.
[clears throat]

Ethyl?

I've got half a mind to eat
a potato chip.

[chuckles]

I said I've got half a mind.

[chuckles]

Don't make me
throw my weight around.

Yaah. Yeah.

She must be dead.

She could never resist the chance
to take a shot at me.

I'd like to spit on your head.

Uhh! Did you hear that?

Uh! Uh!

What do we do with her?

Well, we could go watch
the game and just leave her.

Yeah. She's definitely non-corporeal.

No.

[male echoing]
Ethyl, go towards the light.

Go towards the light.

I heard you the first time.

I'm not deaf. I'm just dead.

[female] Toward the light, Ethyl.

Ooh! What are you doing?

Don't touch me!

- [grunting]
- [voices groaning]

[female] We are here to guide you.

[voices chattering, moaning]

I don't know where
your hands have been.

Light. Light.

The light,

it's so bright.

Bright!

Oh, gee, I'm sorry.

Is this better?

Boy, you've got
quite a layout here.

Well, this is the afterlife.

We have an image to maintain.

I understand.

Why don't I show you around?

Mmm. Very nice.

Over here is the Mar Vista Room,

where we have our eternal
all-you-can-eat buffet.

Is the fish fresh?

Fresh? It's just been created.

[laughing]

We buried her deep.

A lot of folks would have
stopped at six feet.

Yeah, well, a lot of folks' hearts
aren't really into it.

[both laughing]

Experts do say
cardiovascular activity

does produce a natural sense
of euphoria.

Yeah, and throwing your
mother-in-law into a ditch

is also a good pick-me-up.

[both laughing]

It's everything
I dreamed it would be.

I could stay here forever.

That's pretty much how it works.

J Da, da, da

You think I could see
my husband now?

And your name is?

Ethyl Phillips.

Hmm. Hmm. That's odd.

We don't have your reservation.

Were you scheduled
to arrive today?

What do you mean, scheduled?
I dropped dead.

Ahh, here you are.

Oh, you aren't expected
for quite some time.

There must have been a mistake.

I wanna see my husband.

I'm dead, and I know my rights.

Um... no, actually,
you're just near-dead.

It's a form of unconsciousness,

but not to worry,

you'll wake up alive
and well any moment.

What?

[cooing]

[Fran] We're back!

Uh...

Fran, sweetheart,

there's news.

The swamp was absolutely packed.

I caught leeches.
Can I keep them?

No. Those are for dinner.

Uh, Frannie,
speaking of parasites,

um, remember when we said

your mother would stay with us

for the rest of her life?

- Mm-hmm.
- Well, she's moved out.

What are you talking about?
Where is Mother? Mother?

Uh, you're gonna have
to yell louder than that.

Roy, this is a somber moment.

Oh! Oh, jeez, uh, look at the time.

Um, well, Fran, my condolences.

What do you say
at a time like this?

Uh...

Bye.

[mumbling]

Earl, what are you doing
with that shovel?

Shovel? Shovel?

Um... Frannie,
life is like the tide,

it comes in and goes out.

It washes in the new
and washes out the old.

I used it to bury your mother.

You buried my mother?

Now, Frannie,
she died quite suddenly,

and you know we've got
a scavenger problem around here.

She died? How did she die?

What did the doctor say?

Well, there was no doctor, per se.

No doctor?
Well, did you take her pulse?

Pulse?

Sure, it's all very well,
you coming in here after the fact

and quibbling over little details.

Then how do you know she died?

Fran, I know
when somebody's dead.

I'm not an idiot.

Guess again, fat boy.

Shh...

Frannie?

Sweetheart?

I got you something.

It's a nice card.

Would you like me
to read it to you, sweetie?

[groans]

I'll take that as yes.
[clears throat]

"What can I say
when I've ruined your day

and made you all angry and surly?

How could I make
such a thoughtless mistake

and bury your mother too early?"

Oh, come on, Frannie!

They wouldn't make
this kind of card

if it didn't happen all the time.

You buried my mother alive, Earl.

I did a bad thing yesterday.

I said I was sorry.
Now let's move on.

She had to claw her way out

from under 15 feet
of tightly packed dirt!

Yesterday.

Yesterday, I buried her.

Yesterday, I buried her.

Today, I brought her soup.

Now we're even-steven.

[groaning]

[stammering]

[growling]

[sighing]

Wow, Grandma, that's impressive,

to have dug your way
out of all that dirt

without the use of your legs.

And the tough part was dragging
the wheelchair in my teeth.

Did you get worms
and bugs up your nose?

- Tell us about the afterlife.
- [Robbie] Yeah.

It was the most glorious
experience I ever had.

Mmm. Was there shopping?

Everything starts at 40 percent off.

- No way!
- Wow!

You want to talk about selection...

Kids, let your grandmother rest.

She's been through
a very rough time.

Oh, nonsense. Being dead
is the best experience of my life.

I could talk about it for hours.

[doorbell rings]

[gasps] I'll get it.
♪ La la ♪

Maybe you shouldn't be
talking to the kids

so much about death.

Couldn't we change the subject?

OK. Robbie.

Hmm?

I met the most
wonderful female for you

in the afterlife.

Very pretty for a dead girl.

[chuckling] Grandma.

[coughing] Hey, it's the host
of that TV show,

Mysteries That Haven't
Been Solved Yet.

[clears throat] Hello,
members of the viewing public.

Has there been an unsolved
mystery in the neighborhood?

I'm looking for an Ethyl Phillips.

Oh, that's me.
Oh, I just love your show.

How do you come up with those
mysteries week after week?

Actually, we only have four

which we tell over and over.

Luckily, no one seems to notice.

So that's how they do it.

However, this past week,
despite our best efforts,

one of our mysteries
was irrevocably solved.

And that means we need
a new fourth mystery,

and your story could be it.
Life after death.

- [Robbie] Wow!
- Great.

It's mysterious, and it's unsolved.

Are you interested?

There were shuffleboard courts

as far as the eye could see

and bocce ball

and a pervasive sense
of well-being

and a feeling of being
at one with the infinite,

and I was regular.

But while Ethyl Phillips

was marveling at
the wonders of the afterlife,

back at the Sinclair house,

Ethyl's seemingly
dead body was being buried

by her simple-minded son-in-law Earl

and his dim-witted friend Ray.

Hey, that's an outrage!

They got my name wrong.

That is supposed to be me?

That doesn't even look
anything like me.

Not the mama!

Why are we watching this show?

I wanna watch the puppet show
on the other channel.

- That's a kid's show.
- Not so.

They do some very sophisticated
juxtapositions of reality.

It'll last a year.

Well, she's in the hole.

Let's throw large
amounts of dirt on her.

[gasp]

Did she just move?

[gasps]

Could it be that
she might possibly be...

...still alive?

Maybe, but I,

lacking the intelligence
God gave this shovel,

plan to bury her anyway.

Hm-hm.

[host] The two nitwits
continued working feverishly,

intent on their terribly misguided task.

But my time had not yet come,

so I was turned away
from the afterlife.

But I will always remember it,

for it was more beautiful
and more marvelous

than anything in this world.

Andi take solace that
someday! will return there.

And I hope it's soon.

An amazing tale.

Thank you.

Next week's baffling mystery:

Our viewers, who are they?

Why do they
keep watching our show

when there's a wildly better show

on the other channel in this time slot?

And cut.

[bell rings]

- Great show, Ethyl.
- Thank you.

I was touched,

and normally, I'm untouchable.

Rico, young blood. My chair.

Miss Phillips, that was
an inspiring story.

I'm not signing
any more autographs.

No, no. I'm just
someone with a vision.

Miss Phillips, there are
millions of dinosaurs

who live lives of misery
and desperate loneliness

without a soul to care for them.

Is my limousine here yet?

But what if we could
distract these poor dinosaurs,

get them to stop expecting
so much out of life now

with the promise of
some vague reward later?

Now, you've come up
with this afterlife concept,

and I think that's it.

The afterlife could not only
keep dinosaurs in their place,

it could be a major source of revenue.

Sounds interesting.

What exactly did you have in mind?

[male announcer]
Now live via satellite

from the cavernous Paradise Shrine,

where route 19 meets interstate 5,

it's The Afterlife Show.

Starring Ethyl Phillips

and her inspiring tales from beyond.

How you doing?

And the 1,000-voice Ethyl Choir.

J I looked to the light

J And what did I see

J Coming for to carry me home?

J I saw Ethyl in a wheelchair

J Comin' after me

J Comin' for to carry me home

J Give dough

J To The Ethyl Show

♪ Give enough to carry you home

J Give dough

J To The Ethyl Show

J Give enough to carry you home

Thank you. Thank you.

That was beautiful.

Welcome, friends. [gasps]

Whose life is
miserable and wretched?

[audience] Ours is!

And who wants to get
through with their life

so they can get to the afterlife?

[audience] We do!

And how you gonna get there?

[audience] We're not sure!

Then you need to hear
the inspiring words

of the only dinosaur

who's been to the afterlife

and come back to tell us about it:

Ethyl Phillips.

[applause]

- Life stinks.
- Oh.

You know it. I know it.

But it doesn't matter,

"cause when it's all done,

that's when the fun really starts.

Let me tell you
what I saw in the afterlife.

They got a monorail that goes
around the whole place,

and they got rides for the kids

and no lines at all.

Can I go to the afterlife?

No, not for a long time,
sweetheart.

Oh, but I want to go
to the afterlife.

Better than the now-life.

Earl, I'm worried about
what Mother's saying on TV.

I'm afraid of the effect
this might have

on simple, impressionable minds.

I want to go to the afterlife!

Earl!

Gee, Fran, now that
I know there is one,

why should I worry
so much about politics,

the environment and social injustice?

I'm just gonna put
my feet up and wait to die.

[sighs]

That sounds great, Ethyl.

And now you can secure your share

of the good life in the afterlife.

But space is running out,

so if you'd like to purchase

one of these prime three-bedroom
luxury condominiums

or a timeshare in the hereafter,

send me as much money as you can

for your down payment.

Yes, nothing this luxurious

is available in this life,

at least, not to poor folks like you.

[choking]

[host] Poor folks like you can secure
your share of the good life.

And, Ethyl,
while everyone's calling,

why don't you tell us some more

about the lovely amenities
of the afterlife?

Uh...

Ethyl? Uh...

Earl, what's wrong with Mother?

Gee, she looks like she's dead.

Lucky stiff.

I'm going down there.

- Ethyl! You're on.
- [man] She kicked off again.

Ah... [chuckling]

Well, looks like Ethyl's
taken a quick trip

to check on our contractor

in the great beyond.

You got to keep an eye
on those guys all the time.

Well, we'll be right back.

Are we off yet?

Yep.

Ethyl? The old bag's dead again.

[male echoing] Ethyl!

Ethyl! Ethyl!

Oh.

Louie, is that really you?

Hiya, cupcake.

Oh, Louie, I missed you.

Am I finally good and dead?

Not yet.

Oh, will you guys
stop jerking my chain?

I'm dead. I'm alive.
I'm dead. I'm alive.

If I wake up with dirt
in my mouth again...

Take it easy, cupcake.

They sent me here with a message.

Stop pushing the afterlife.

But, Louie, it's so beautiful up here.

It's just as beautiful
where you are, Ethyl.

It's more beautiful because it's life,

and you only get a little bit of it.

If you don't live every day

of your life to the fullest,

you'll have an eternity to regret it.

But, Louie, I miss you.

I miss you too, sweetheart.

But it's not your time yet.

Will we be together soon?

Soon enough, cupcake,

but you gotta go back now.

And stop trying to make
a buck off the afterlife.

Dinosaurs who sell the afterlife

may not ever see the afterlife.

They may end up
someplace not so nice.

Look what's waiting for you.

[all] Hi, Ethyl!
Come on in! [laughing]

No!

- Mom? Mom?
- Oh, boy. Oh...

Um...

Grandma, can you say anything?

Hey, look, look.
I think she's coming around.

No! No! No!
The hole's already dug.

Let's get on with it.

[Ethyl] Not so fast, fat boy.

Ooh!

I knew I should have
cremated her.

Oh!

Dad?

What? Huh?

[sighs] Where am I?

Grandma, we brought you
back from the TV studio.

We were worried.

We better call your producer.
He thought you were dead.

Let him think whatever he wants.

I'm not going back there.

Mom, I thought you loved
talking about the afterlife.

I did, Fran, but if
I'm ever gonna go back,

I can't just sit around here
watching the grass grow.

What I'm gonna do
is appreciate life

and love all of you.

[Fran] Aw!

Starting tomorrow.

Why not today?

'Cause today, there's a perfectly
good hole in the backyard,

and we're gonna bury fat boy in it.

[moaning] What?

- [groans]
- Ooh!

Again!

[laughing]