Dilbert (1999–2000): Season 1, Episode 6 - Elbonian Trip - full transcript

Mmm, do you think

normal people pack
suitcases this way?

I'm an engineer,
not a normal person.

That's a lot of clothes

just to visit a
sweatshop in Elbonia.

It's not a sweatshop.

It's our overseas

manufacturing facility.

Look at the company newsletter.

See? They're all smiling.

And your assignment
is to make them stop?



If you must know, my
team's being sent there

to oversee quality control

on the production
of my pride and joy:

The Gruntmaster 6000.

Well, while you're there,
maybe you can help them

develop a written language.

You're living in the
past, my furry friend.

Capitalism has
transformed Elbonia.

The economy is burgeoning.

Nothing like slave labor

to perk up the economy.

They're making many advances.

For instance, did you realize

The leading cause
of death in Elbonia



is no longer black plague.

Oh, really?

What is?

Here we go... it's...
"self-inflicted gunshot wounds"?

Must be a typo.

Excuse me.

What are you doing?

I'm rattling the cans.

People expect it.

Can I ask you a question?

As long as it's refuse-related.

Oh, it is... what are the odds

that Dilbert can visit
a factory in Elbonia

and return alive?

Oh, I'd say 73-to-one against.

90-to-one if he flies
on Elbonia Airlines.

300-to-one if he uses

the bathroom in the plane.

That's about what I figured.

Dilbert's only hope
is to remain objective

and ignore the plight
of the Elbonian people.

If he or any member of
his team gets involved

in their internal
affairs or culture...

Well, I'd rather
not think about it.

That's a problem...
He likes to fix things.

Well, in that case,
he'll need the help

of someone who's
incapable of sympathy.

Someone so cynical
that the suffering of others

is nothing but a source
of cheap entertainment.

All right, I'll go.

I have something
that might help you.

Here.

By the way, what's
the weather like

in Elbonia this time of year?

Why are you so suddenly
interested in Elbonia?

Oh, I have my reasons.

Hmm... a license to kill.

It's better... you
can steal too.

Elbonians enjoy
skiing all year round

Except when they're
sipping hot toddies

at the chalet.

Cheers.

Then it's "surf's up!"

Along one of Elbonia's
many pristine beaches.

Awesome, dude!

You'll find five of the seven
great wonders of the world

all within easy access

by shuttle bus.

And when you're done

The whole family can relax

at our world-famous casinos.

And don't forget mud wrestling.

Hey, no fighting dirty!

In Elbonia, we never close.

And so, from sunny, snowy,
culturally-enriched Elbonia,

we bid you ta-ta...

That's Elbonian for "ta-ta."

How the heck does
this thing work?

Where's the needle?

There is no needle.

No wonder I can't turn it off.

Yes?

He's not here.

Was it for me? No.

Are you sure Elbonia
is the best place

to take my vacation?

Have I ever lied to you?

And later been detected?

When I went to Mexico,
you told me to drink

as much of the water as I could.

That's the exception
that proves the rule.

Is that what that is?

I'll book your
flight to Elbonia.

Thank you.

When you get there

remember to wear lots of jewelry

and walk around alone at night.

Isn't this exciting?

I said,

isn't this exciting?

I couldn't hear you.

I was listening to
the audio program,

"The Sound of Screaming."

I don't know why
it takes three of us

to inspect one Elbonian factory.

We're a team.

Besides, I thought you liked

getting out of the office.

You don't know me
as well as you think.

This is the first time
I've ever flown first class.

Kind of spoils you.

I feel sorry

for those people in coach.

I wonder what the movie is.

That is our notorious

prison of no escape.

And that is our
world-famous health spa.

I don't know why

But I feel a mystical
connection to this place.

Mmm, mud pie. Good.

The mud is calling me.

I'll see you later.

We're here.

Where?

Welcome to the Hotel Elbonia.

Sorry, you can't park there.

Diplomatic immunity, my friend.

Now tear up the ticket.

Now eat it.

Now regurgitate it.

Good.

Wow. Just because
you're a diplomat

you can park anywhere you want?

That's nothing. Watch this.

Gun.

Now dance for your
diplomat. Dance!

Now Riverdance.

How did you become
the diplomat to Elbonia?

I was the only one

who applied for the job.

This isn't exactly Monaco.

Diplomatic immunity.

, With all due respect

the natives in my country

are a primitive and
superstitious people.

They believe that every
time you take their picture

you take their soul.

Gotcha. Smile!

Aah! What did I just tell you?!

Hey, hi.

What an odd-looking people.

It's us... from work.

Remember?

If only I spoke your language.

Do you know where the pool is?

The pool?

Swimmy, swimmy?

Ignorant wogs.

Wow...

The Gruntmaster 6000.

That's the first one
off the assembly line.

My prototype.

And this is where

we house the generators
that power the factory.

As you can see,

incentive programs
motivate our workers

to put forth their best efforts.

Why don't they get off the
bicycles and walk around

to get the pork chop?

Shut up! That's crazy talk!

Don't listen to her!

These working
conditions are appalling!

Our appalling working conditions

are second to none.

And over here

is where the main housing
for The Gruntmaster is forged.

Shouldn't there be a
guardrail around that?

Guardrail?

What is this, an amusement park?

Hey, you stupid, lazy Lefties,

show's over... back to work.

Lefties?

Yes, of course...

That's all they're good for.

If it wasn't for the Right Man

these Lefties
would have nothing.

They'd still be
sitting in the mud.

Right people
founded this country.

We built this country
up from small mud hole

to a gigantic mud hole!

We made this country what it is.

God bless Right Elbonia!

So where do all the
Right people work?

In management.

And this is where
The Gruntmaster

is actually assembled.

As you can see, our daycare
facilities are second to none.

You can't put babies to
work on an assembly line!

These are not babies.

They're toddlers.

Oh...

You're coming home with me.

I didn't know you
wanted children, Alice.

I didn't, until this moment.

How about now?

Are those people dead?

Technically, yes.

But that's no excuse!

Get to work, you lazy corpse.

I've never seen
anything so barbaric.

How can the Lefties tolerate it?

We have an
excellent benefits plan.

Like what?

If you die, you get time
off to attend your funeral.

That's it?

And the salary of five
Grubnicks a month.

That's less than a penny.

I beg your pardon.

It's much less than a penny.

Our motto is that
work is its own reward.

Heyaa!

Here you go, little fella.

Open wide.

We've got to do something

about the factory conditions.

I'd love to help

but I've got a baby
to take care of.

All right, I just
don't want to, okay?

So as I was saying,
Your Excellency,

we're very proud

to have The Gruntmaster
built in Elbonia,

but the working conditions
in the factory are abysmal.

A what?

Abysmal.

I've never heard of that word.

Unconscionable? No.

Heinous?

Mm-mm.

What?

You seem to
lean left, my friend.

Check, please?

The ancient burial
lumps are closed.

I'm not here for the tour.

I'm looting.

Diplomatic immunity.

Oh.

Have a nice day.

I can't believe no
one wanted this job.

It rained for 40
days and 40 nights,

and then, naturally,
there was a ton of mud.

And that's the
story of Noah's mud.

Tomorrow, Adam and Eve

and the Garden of Mud.

Wally, I need your help.

Old helpful Wally doesn't
exist anymore, Dilbert.

This is my life now, Dilbert.

I am one with the mud.

I am the mud.

The mud is me.

I'm naked and I'm muddy

and I'm Wally, and
it's all the same.

From mud I came and
to mud I have returned.

You came from mud?

I don't know. Whatever.

Wally, you can't spend
your life in the mud.

Surrender to the
Elbonian mud, Dilbert.

There's no right and
wrong, just shades of brown.

Have you filled out the forms?

Yes.

Uh-oh.

What?

It says here, that
you are right-handed.

So? The official Elbonian

adoption policy does not permit
mixed-arm-preference adoptions.

It is not fair to the child.

I switch hit in softball.

Let's hope that's enough.

Now, fill these out.

Hi.

Don't mind me.

We are the Elbonian
Left-handed Liberation Front

and slow-pitch softball team.

Maybe we should talk.

I think that's what we're doing.

I mean we should talk
about your working conditions.

We can talk during the break.

When's that?

There it is.

How can you work like this?

Why don't you demand

better working conditions?

What can we do?

The world is stacked
against the left-handed people.

The books are right-handed.

The staplers are right-handed.

The desks, tape,
bottles, phones.

I'm pretty sure you can use

any of those things
with either hand.

That's what they
want you to think.

If you're going to
change anything

you're gonna have to organize.

Now you've lost us.

You know, form a Union.

It's called collective
bargaining.

If your demands
aren't met, you...

Forget about them?

No, you strike.

You refuse to work until
you get better conditions.

We'll do it.

We'll follow your
leadership and strike.

And when the
Righties execute you,

we will make
small plastic statues

in your likeness.

Look at 'em.

Look at 'em slaving away

like pack mules.

This'll make a great shot.

Hey! Everybody!

Wave at the camera!

Okay!

You know, I'm standing
right in front of you.

Okay, here's my final offer.

Designated smoke breaks

for anyone who catches fire.

Take it or leave it.

That's an insult.

These people are
dedicated, committed, serious.

They're not going to cave in

no matter how much
pressure is brought to bear.

They will not return to work
until their demands are met.

Arrest him!

Okay, back to work.

You will be read your rights,

given a fair trial,

then executed.

On second thought,

since we have no rights
and we have no courts,

let's go to the execution. Bob?

Yes, excellency.

They're ready.

They aim...

Fire.

The execution of
Dilbert will continue

after these messages.

Hello, every day Elbonian
babies go completely unshaven

simply because
they are left-handed.

Won't you please... stop it!

Stop it!

Cute, aren't they?

For only one Grubnick a day...

Let me see that.

There! Now, it's gone forever.

That's it!

You're on your own!

Um, send your Grubnicks to:

Shave the Children
P.O. Box 6, Elbonia.

Remember, a child is...

Ah, shut up!

The old ways are the best ways.

Okay, Dilbert, this
time we're ready for you.

No tricks.

No one survives

the giant mudball.

I did.

Shut up.

Move it.

Out of the way.

Diplomat coming.

License to kill.

"Diplomatic immunity."

That's right.

Now, give me your clothes.

Damn.

As the new dictator of Elbonia

I've decided to make a
few changes around here,

and make no mistake about it,

these are changes
for change sake.

He's free, and all

the workers' demands

are hereby met.

Hooray.

Yah!

We're free! Free at last!

Ah, sweet freedom!

Good to see you.

Come right in.

Right this way.

Hi, welcome.

Come on in. Good to...

Hey, what's going on?

Why's everyone leaving?

You just got here.

The factory's automated.

They don't need us now.

We've been down-sized.

To how many?

One.

Um...

Can somebody show me
how to work this thing?!

And then lot's wife
looked back and... zap.

She turned into a pile of mud.

The man is a
genius, a visionary.

I have to get a picture.

Say cheese.

That's a keeper.

Thank you for saving my life...

Even though it wasn't in danger.

I just couldn't picture you

as the official
martyr of Elbonia.

I was only trying
to do the right thing.

A misguided exercise at best.

What are you doing?

I'm taking the mud.

Why?

Because I've taken
everything else.

That's cruel.

No, that's diplomacy.

Let my friend Henry, here

explain it to you.

Hello, Dilbert.

In the world of realpolitik

you must see that
the infrastructure

of Elbonia was built on mud.

In a global economy, this is the
equivalent of economic suicide.

Thus, in order to save Elbonia

it must be de-mudded.

Dogbert was doing
the only logical thing.

Oh, of course.

Now I see.

You do?

Yes.

I don't even know

what I'm talking about,

but for some reason
it drives the chicks wild

when I talk this way.

O great mudman.

How do you explain this?

Is it a sign from above?

More like a sign from below.

Freakin' little mud boy.

Here I am buying trinkets

from one of the
native merchants.

Here I am relaxing by the pool

with some of the natives.

Here I am flying
home, accompanied

By a group of
vacationing Elbonians.

And here I am back at work.

By the way, I'm pleased to
announce that the production

of The Gruntmaster in Elbonia

has far exceeded
our expectations.

We can officially
now classify Elbonia

no longer a poverty-stricken
fourth-world country, but...

a poverty-stricken three-
and-three-quarter world country.

It is my fervent hope to
someday visit this exotic land.

Oi...

Hello, I'm Dogbert.

And welcome to Las Elbonia;

where gambling and prostitution

isn't just legal...
It's mandatory

And this week only at
the Caesar's Elbonia...

The song stylings
of Henry Kissinger.

♪ Viva Las Elbonia ♪

♪ Viva Las Elbonia ♪

♪ Viva Viva Las Elbonia ♪

Yee-ha!

Hiya!