Dilbert (1999–2000): Season 1, Episode 5 - Testing - full transcript

Hmm. Let's see.

Name: Dogbert.

Height: Varies
depending on my speed

relative to the observer.

Weight: Is a sensation

caused by the gravitational
warping of space-time.

Age: hmm...

According to Einstein

time is merely a
persistent illusion.

Take that.

What are you doing?



I'm applying for a slot
on the space shuttle.

I think a lot of these
are trick questions.

What qualifications do you
have to fly on a space shuttle?

None. But, strangely enough,
that doesn't disqualify me.

That's it.

I think I've done it.

That's not the
word on the street.

No. I've been trying to achieve

the perfect ratio

of mango-flavored
hyper-juice to water

by shining a laser through it

and measuring
its absorption rate.

I think I've done it.

There's one small
nothing for mankind.



Have you tried following

the directions on the back?

Now look what you did.

I think you better
put that away.

What's really bothering you?

Nothing.

Something's bothering you.

No, it's not.

Come on.

No, really.

Spit it out.

Oh, all right, if you must know.

Wow. Sometimes I amaze myself.

Today we start the
most frustrating phase

of produce-development...
Testing the prototype.

Ah, so you're riddled
with insecurities

about your performance.

No. Maybe you should be.

The test engineer assigned

to my prototype is a legend.

His name is Bob Bastard.

Ooh, you better
throw in the towel.

Look, Dogbert, I've spent

a lot of time working
on this product.

The Gruntmaster 6000
is my baby... Even though

it bears no resemblance to
what I originally conceived.

Are you listening
to any of this?

You conceived a baby

but it bears no
resemblance to you.

Ratbert.

Here. Drink this.

Not bad.

Dilbert, I want you to know

I have the utmost confidence
in you and your team.

You do? I do what?

Never mind.

Hi, guys.

Sorry I'm late.

I stopped off at Starbucks.

Wow.

Bob Bastard.

What's with the mask?

Yeah. I've got to ask
him where he bought it.

It's so sad.

What mask?

I believe you're on fire.

Ooh, you got that right.

What a show-off.

Can't he just walk in the door

like everybody else?

Dilbert, black, no sugar.

Wally, cream with sugar.

Boss, decaf with equal.

Alice...

Cafe au lait.

What's the matter

Too strong for ya?

It's nice to meet
you, Mr. Bastard.

My father's Mr. Bastard.

I'm Bob.

No coffee for you, Bob?

No. I'm so jacked up, my
head's ready to explode.

Dilbert, slurping is so rude.

But it's hot.

I hate slurping.

That's what broke
up my marriage.

If you ever do that
in front of me again

I will throw that hot
coffee in your face

and you can slurp it
through your pores.

Do you hear me?! Do you?!

Whoa.

As if I could slurp
through my pores.

Well, now that
that's all settled...

let the testing begin!

First, the rock 'n roll test.

To determine the
prototype's ability

to withstand differing
levels of seismic activity.

I tell you, Bob

you're like a
celebrity around here.

Grotesque and evil,

yet famous and
surprisingly polite.

Do you golf?

Excuse me, I'm working.

The man is working!

Have you heard their last CD?

Wild stuff.

Maybe it's me,
but I don't see...

It's you.

Okay.

Where's your God now?

Sorry, my friends,

but it's better to find
the problems now

than to send a defective
product into the market

to shatter the lives
of innocent people.

Well, it's a gray area.

Gray area?

Masked jerk.

He's like a wounded bird.

A vulture, but,
still... That's a bird.

You're going into space?

Good observation, potato boy.

I'll send you a postcard.

I don't think you can send
a postcard from outer space.

Oh, it can be done

but you might see a little jump

in your next tax bill.

What are you planning
on doing with my laser?

Did you know there
are no laws in space?

Well, gotta go.

A little to the left.

No, uh... a little to the right.

No, a little to the left.

My left or your left?

What's the difference?

My left is your right,
and your right is my left.

Just put it down.

Ah, there's Wally.

Wally, could you give me a...?

Hey, Bob, how's it going?

Wally.

He called me Wally.

That's your name.

There's no call for bitterness.

I'm not worried.

This prototype is designed

to withstand temperatures
up to 5,000 degrees.

Wow. That's almost
enough to boil water.

I know you, Alice.

You push people away

afraid they might see
you as you really are.

You scare me, Bob.

You scare the bejesus out of me.

But in a good way.

Hold that thought, babe.

Let me destroy a dream
and I'll get right back to you.

I will now subject the prototype

to the next phase of
environmental testing...

Exposure to extreme heat.

Ooh...

All right.

Yes! Yes!

Yes, yes.

Did you see that, Dilbert?

Did you see it?

Ooh, boy, I've got goose bumps.

Or some other strange growths.

Would anyone like to
join me in a toast to failure?

To failure!

If anyone needs me,
I'll be in my cubicle

dangling from a power strip.

All right, Dilbert.

Good for you.

The astronauts now
approaching the module

looking Spring-like in
their white jumpsuits...

Hey, there's Dogbert.

Hey, Dogbert!

Ooh, I'm out of change.

I'll get you on the way back.

Wait a minute...
That's my wallet.

Wally?

What are you doing?

I'm not doing anything.

Why are you dressed like that?

I'm not dressed like that.

You're trying to look like him.

Don't be ridiculous.

It's just that all my
non-Bob Bastard-imitation

clothes are in the laundry.

This is all I have left.

What has happened to you?

Are you in Bob
Bastard's camp now?

He has a camp? Cool.

Why do I try?

I think we make a
terrific couple, Alice.

You really think so?

No, I'm just toying
with your emotions.

Since I caught you
in such a good mood

can I borrow another 50 bucks?

Another $50?

Oh, forget it!

If you're going to lay
some kind of trip on me,

I'll see you around.

No, wait. Okay. Here.

Hmm... make that
a hundred bucks.

I'm saving up for a new mask.

What do you mean you're
changing your name?

Seriously, don't you
think it sounds good?

Wally Bastard.

Have you lost your mind?

You're worse than Alice.

Bob Bastard is evil.

He is set on destroying
everything we hold dear.

Here's my dress, my purse.

Anything else?

Yeah, how about your car?

And your shoes?

Okay.

Can you give me a ride home?

At the risk of sounding critical

a little jogging
wouldn't hurt you.

You're right.

See you tomorrow.

You're suffocating me, Alice.

How come you gave Bob your car?

Stop it.

Just stop it, Dilbert.

I've had just about enough

of you trashing Bob Bastard.

He is not a bad man.

Well, he is,

but that's what
makes him so sexy.

I'm sorry, Alice, but
he's the embodiment

of all that's horrid and
loathsome in this world.

Just because it's written
on a bathroom wall

doesn't mean it's true.

He wrote it.

Hey, babe, how about
lending me a five?

Sure.

Works every time.

Oh, sure.

We've been in touch

with advanced alien
civilizations for years.

They've opened their
laboratories to us...

Any technology we want.

Hi. Hey, how you doing?

Excuse me.

Yes?

Dogbert, it's me.

Me, who?

Me!

Look, this isn't
a very good time.

I'm learning all the
secrets of the universe.

Hey, guys.

Could you keep it down?

I'm on long distance.

Well, here's one for you.

Why do women see the fact

That I'm kind,
sensitive and caring

As some sort of weakness?

Hey, Dogbert, you want to see

where Gene Roddenberry is?

Maybe later, fellas.

It's merely a function
of cultural conditioning...

That, and the fact
that you look like

the illegitimate
child of Bill Gates

and the Pillsbury Doughboy.

Oh, that's a good one.

That was cold.

Do you... have a moment?

I don't know. Have
you heard something?

I need to talk to someone and...

Believe me, no
one else is around.

Oh, well, in that case...

I'll be heading out.

It's kind of important.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Anyway, the reason
I called you in here

Is I can't decide which
of these lovely portraits

to keep on my desk and
which to hang over my bed.

What do you think?

The I'm-a-free-spirit-

who-blows-with-the-wind
Bob Bastard

Or the I'm-a-sadistic-nightmare-

who-will-watch-over-you-
as-you-sleep Bob Bastard?

I sort of like... the first one.

Really?

Well, thanks for
coming in, Dilbert.

But I... I really need

some time to myself,
to think... and meditate.

Is there something
I can help you with?

How did you end up such
a sadistic Bastard anyway?

Part of it has to do
with the name, but...

But there's more.

I wasn't always the
bitter and disfigured man

you see before you.

I was born Robert
Childbornoutofwedlock.

It's Icelandic.

But my parents changed it

to Bastard when I was three.

There was a time when
my peers considered me

a courteous and
affable test engineer.

Hey, Karen, you...

You Xeroxing something?

Doofus.

Thanks. I was wondering...

If you're not busy after
work, do you want to go see

Escape from the
Planet of the Apes?

You're asking me out?

And as if that wasn't
painful enough,

she told all her friends!

I told you not to
leave that there.

Bob: I was devastated.

And the world has
never been the same.

Somehow, shattering
people's hopes and dreams

felt good!

It felt right...

And it wasn't without its perks.

Hey, Bob.

I'm having a Planet
of the Apes marathon

over at my house.

Care to join us?

Oh, yeah?

Who's going to be there?

Just me and a girlfriend

who's very open
to experimentation.

As you can see

I'm simply the
victim of society.

I can't escape

who I am any more than
I can escape my shadow.

I hate slurping.

I hate slurping... slurping...

slurping...
slurping... slurping...

I'm sorry to take up so
much of your valuable time.

See you at the test site.

Bring your safety goggles.

Look, I've worked very hard

seeing The Gruntmaster 6000

through to this
final phase of testing

and I just want to say
how proud I am of myself.

Now, if we can just get
rid of that junk on the field

maybe we can start the tests.

Uh, that's The Gruntmaster 6000.

Really?

It's so big.

Welcome to the
final round of testing

and the demise of
The Gruntmaster 6000.

Here you go, Bob.

You'll want this for the trip.

Tonight's test will be...

The asteroid crash
simulation test.

Oh.

Just out of curiosity,

how often does an asteroid
hit an exercise machine?

A comet hit my Stairmaster.

That's why I don't
exercise anymore.

Please deposit $400,575.20 now.

What?

Dogbert, an asteroid is
hurtling towards earth.

And that would affect me how?

It's Bob Bastard's final test.

It's aimed at The Gruntmaster.

In a few minutes, the
prototype will be destroyed

along with any chance
of me being happy.

There's a lot about
you in this story.

Help me.

In a minute.

Please, God, help
me crack this safe.

Okay. Let's see...

Hmm...

Maybe a...

Hair to the left.

You won't even feel
the laser on your cornea.

Now, that is embarrassing.

Okay. It's sited.

Now, where is that asteroid?

We did it!

We're home free!

When you take the bandages off

Don't rip them off

or he'll turn into a
charred skeleton.

Someday, I'll look
back at this and laugh.

Yes, I'm leasing now.

Now, it's safe...

Snug as a bug.

When you want something done

you have to do it yourself.

Operate manual overdrive.

I was afraid of that.

Let's see...

I need to push the
prototype about ten feet

to get it out of
the target zone.

Let's rock.

Alice, help me push this thing.

Are you nuts?

Bob would kill...

I mean, he wouldn't like that.

Dilbert!

It wasn't me.

Look!

Slurping gives me
such great pleasure

and the fact that Alice
hates it arouses me.

Bastard.

Now, will you

Help me push this thing?

Ooh.

Whoo-hoo!

Oh, pooh.

It would be wrong

to simply stamp the
prototype "approved" now.

I have got to get me one
of these space shuttles.

I just had the
darned thing washed.

Don't worry, guys.

I won't say a word about
the immortality serum.

So, you're welcome.

Thanks, Dogbert.

You really bailed me out.

Oh, it's nothing you
wouldn't have done for me

if you weren't you
and I wasn't me

and everything was
completely different.

Hey, Bob, how's it going?

Shut up!

Bob?

Bob?

Yes, Alice?

Where's my car?!