Dilbert (1999–2000): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Takeover - full transcript

Excuse me.

Can I get in?

You've gotta start
driving with more attitude.

Attitude? I've got
attitude to spare.

"Please don't hurt
me" is not attitude.

It's an invitation
to get capped.

Why don't you use

the watchamacallit?

That's only for use in dire
emergencies, like when

I'm rushing my future wife
to the hospital to give birth.

So, in other words, never.



Why are we all forced to
go to work at the same time?

Who arbitrarily decided that
8:00 a.m. was a good time

for everyone to go to work?

There would be no rush
hour if there was no rush.

You have no understanding
of human nature.

If people weren't
forced to come to work

at a certain time, they
wouldn't come at all.

You have no faith in humanity.

People are basically good.

No, no! Help! Help me!

What should we do?

Close the windows.

I'll turn on the radio.

Just don't change
any of my presets.



Oh, heaven forbid.

All music, all the time.

More music and much less talk.

We're the all-music
station, except for right now

which is a fluke
more than anything.

This is a nightmare.

And in business news...

Ah, finally.

Stocks are way up again today

as every idiot with a telephone

is dumping his lunch
money into the market.

That's outrageous. Idiots
shouldn't have money.

They won't have it long.

The only people who make
money in the stock market

are the ones who manipulate
the stock prices behind the scenes.

Or the ones who write
books about investing.

They're the worst.

Great.

Now traffic is
completely stopped.

This is insane.

You know, this would
be a perfect time

to field test this thing.

Okay, but just once

to see if it works.

On my mark...

Three, two, one.

Nice shooting.

Somehow, I just don't
feel right about that.

Just drive.

I've got a book to write.

Wally, I... hold it.

Oh, hello, Dilbert.

"Hello, Dilbert" nothing...
Were you just reading a book?

Are you bonkers? What
makes you think that?

My own eyes.

Hardly a reliable source.

I just saw you. You did not.

Then what is this? Oh. That.

That is not a book;
it's a way of life.

Get Rich or Get Out of My
Way, investing Dogbert style.

It's full of investment tips

that no one ever
thought of before.

I've done the first exercise

and already I'm a
millionaire on paper.

What was the exercise?

You write down
on a piece of paper

"I, Wally, am a millionaire."

Millionaire has two
L's, like your name

Which, oddly enough,
you also spelled wrong.

Uh, that's my nickname...
Wally with one L.

Who calls you that?

Most people... they
just don't realize it.

And now you're going to apply

your special brand of
genius to the stock market?

The time to strike is nigh.

Are you in?

Did you say "nigh"?

It's a word.

How about if I just
watch in stunned silence

for the first round?

Welcome to Dogbert's
more than full price brokers

where your dreams

turn into large
transaction fees overnight.

Okay, let's see.

"Invest in the company
where you work

"only if you have
actual knowledge

of what's going on
inside the company."

Insider trading is illegal.

You could go to jail.

Wally, I'll need to review

the RFP for the BGA Project

before the IOC meeting.

Well, that has "alibi"
written all over it.

Are you in?

Okay, I'm in.

Excellent.

Now, uh, what's the
name of the company

We work for?

This week? Hmm.

We were called
Path-Way Electronics.

Then we merged with
E-Tech Management.

Now I guess we're
Path-E-Tech Management.

All right, turn on
the financial channel

and get ready to score.

As I said, weakness in the
Japanese Yen, the Swiss Franc

and the Russian, uh...
Snot-Rag, are all bad news

for poorly managed
multinational companies.

We're a poorly managed
multinational company.

As soon as he said
that, our stock went down.

Join me in ten
minutes when I explain

why poorly managed
multinational companies

are a great bargain.

We're back up.

I'm seeing a pattern here.

The stock plummets on bad news

which, ironically, is
the best time to buy

and the stock soars on good news

which is obviously
the time to sell.

It's go time.

Major lawsuits over
product liability...

Buy. Buy.

The company announced

layoffs to cut costs.

Sell. Sell.

Alleged accounting
irregularities.

Buy. Buy.

Double or nothing.

New product announced

that will compete in
the vaporware arena.

Sell! Sell!

Oh, that was exciting.

Well, back to work.

Back to work?

We're on a hot streak.

Yes, and, if we keep going,
we'll be on a cold streak.

Let's leave it at that.

Wuss.

You can't get out now.

You're in too deep.

There's no turning back.

It's all in the book.

That book is worthless.

We're going to be ruined.

And now investment guru Dogbert.

Shh! Quiet. It's him.

Hello. The Chinese
have a word for crisis.

It's made up of
two characters...

Danger and Opportunity.

Although this has
nothing to do with anything

I enjoy mentioning it.

What should we do now?

Now? Now is definitely
the time to buy.

I thought you were supposed
to buy when the stock is low.

Have I ever lied to you?
About a thousand times.

You don't have to
throw it in my face.

Sorry.

I'll take care of
the stock price.

Excuse me a minute.

You were caught in
a jungle voodoo orgy

with the cast of
Deep Space Nine?

No!

Well... yes.

Samuel, serve the poison.

Must I?

Yes.

Wow. He really earns
his commissions.

The stock is so
cheap now, we can buy

a controlling interest
in our own company.

Let's do it.

Wait. I...

What?

Are we ready for
the responsibility

That comes with
owing the company?

Uh, I'll say no.

This is serious.

We will inherit a
moral obligation...

To the other stockholders, yes

but more importantly,
to society at large.

Who died and made
you the Dalai Lama?

All I'm saying is...

Mahatma, we're not trying
to change the world here.

We're trying to make
quick cash in the market

and considering it's 11:30
and we started at 9:00,

I'd say we're doing pretty good.

But we could change things,

change them for the better.

I've always felt if I had
an opportunity to run things

I would be a kind
and benevolent boss.

Employees would be free to
come and go as they please,

to choose hours
that fit their lifestyles.

In a word: flex-time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
flex-time, shmex-time.

Great idea. I love it.

Can we just execute
the buy already?

Wally, look at me and tell me

we're going to
do the right thing.

I will tell you we're
doing the right thing

but I will not look at you.

Wally... You do
whatever you want.

Me? I'm cashing out.
You plan to retire?

Retire? From what?

I don't do anything
now except surf the net.

Why should I pay for that?

Besides, I really
like the coffee here.

Fellas... tick, tick, tick.

Carpe diem, Dilbert.

Seize the day. What?

Carpe diem.

I think that's a fish.

Boys.

Okay. Okay.

Good. You two now
own 51% of the company.

Yeah, but the stock's
not worth anything.

I'll be right back.

Hello. I'm Dogbert.

And welcome to Shams,
Scams, and Flim Flams in Review.

Today our round table of
financial experts include

Vlad Corfu, financial planner

for the firm of
Dreman, Hal and Corfu.

Welcome.

My next guest is a
pension fund manager

for Pogrom Investments,

Traylor Barone.

Our next guest runs
her own investment firm

Hey, It's Me Investments...

Esther Bester.

And my final guest is
a bear from the circus

Formerly from the woods;
do you have a name?

They call me Brownie.

Okay, let's talk
about the market.

What market?

The stock market.

Ohh. Ohh.

You had me worried there.

I thought you meant
the white slave market...

of which I know nothing.

Does anybody
care that I'm a bear?

I'm not thrilled.

If we could, people,
lets talk about

The swirling rumors
surrounding a supposed takeover

of Path-E-Tech Management, Inc.

Has anybody heard that rumor?

I heard a rumor that everyone

in that company's
gay or at least bisexual.

I heard they kidnap little
children and drink their blood

from little plastic
cups that they make

from detergent bottles.

Anybody hear anything
about the takeover?

Why are you looking at me?

I'm a bear.

He's just looking.

I swear to God,
I'll come over there

and one swipe with my claw

and you will not have
a face, my friend, okay?

I have a poison dart gun;
you won't know what hit you.

You won't be able to reload it

fast enough before
I rip you in half.

If I go down, I'll take
the rest of you with me.

Okay, that's it.

What about the takeover rumors?

That's what?

I don't need this. Yeah?

Do you need a hideous
scar across your entire body?

Listen, I'm the owner of
Hey, It's Me Investments.

You keep messing with me

and it's going to be
called Hey, It Was You.

You hear me? You hear me?

Okay. You take that back.

I believe we have a consensus.

Follow Dogbert's advice.

Follow Dogbert's advice.

♪ Follow, follow,
Follow, follow ♪

♪ Follow Dogbert's advice ♪

♪ We're... off To
spend the money... ♪

Alice, we have

a controlling interest
in the company.

We're both billionaires.

You'll be corrupted
like the rest.

Money is the root of all evil.

It eats you from the inside out

until you die a slow
and lonely death.

I'll give you a billion
dollars in stock

if you'll shut up.

Deal.

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La-la-la-la-la-la ♪♪

Whatever you two did

it boosted the stock
to record highs.

You've made the rich
richer and given the shaft

to the small investors
who bailed out too soon.

Very evil. Good work.

Thanks.

Evil?

Oh, by the way, there's a
board meeting in half an hour.

As the company's
major stockholders

it might be a good idea

to make an appearance
for appearance sake.

Will there be food? Food?

Do the finest
doughnuts in the building

sound like food to you?

Ambrosia from the gods.

Dilbert, we've arrived.

Hey, Dilbert, do I
have anything here?

That's the only spot
you don't have anything.

Don't you want to earn
these people's respect?

We are these people

so we only have to
earn our own respect.

Do you respect me?

No. Do you respect yourself?

No.

Do you respect me?

Are you kidding?

Do you respect yourself?

Not really.

All right.

Let's just be quiet.

Gentlemen, gentlemen,
let's get things started.

I know we all want to get
back to more pressing matters.

Now, the first
item on the agenda

is to welcome our
newest board members

and, as of this morning
actual majority owners

of the company,
Dilbert and Wally.

I just wanted to say... whoa!

Nice chip, Harry.

Thanks, Roy. Mind
if I play through?

Go right ahead.

I just wanted to
say it's an honor

to stand among such an
esteemed and august, uh, group

and I hope Wally and I...

Hey, what's your handicap?

He doesn't know when to shut up.

You two are going
to fit right in here

and I'm referring, of
course, only to Wally.

Next order of business...

Read back the minutes
of the last meeting.

We gave each
other stock options,

discussed ways to
ignore the needs of others

and Hamilton had a racial joke.

Thank you, Bill.

Now on to a more
pressing matter.

Gentlemen, and I say gentlemen,
because there ain't no damn way

a woman's going to sit on
this board while I'm alive...

What he was going to say was

apparently, despite
our best efforts

the company is not
losing money fast enough.

Excuse me. Did you just say

the company wasn't
losing money fast enough?

Jeez, Wally, can't
you reign this guy in?

He's like a loose cannon.

Dilbert, will you stop
embarrassing yourself?

If you read Dogbert's book

you'd know that a
fast-growing company

always loses money
while it's expanding.

We're not a
fast-growing company.

And we never will be if
we don't lose more money.

So, uh...

Suggestions on how we
can lose money faster?

Uh, what if we just, uh, well...

Gave it to me?

Oh, Wally, you're a card.

This guy kills me.

Next order of business:

We have to select a new CEO.

As tradition dictates,
whosoever can remove

this nine iron from the golf bag

will be proclaimed
chief executive officer.

Ooh...

Wow. First guy who tried...

just like the other times.

Can I just say one thing?

Yes, but put his gag on first.

Can I just say one thing?

Is it about golf?

Not really.

Not even peripherally?

No. Could you at least

hold a golf club

while you talk?

I guess so.

Hand him a wedge, Raul.

When I became a major
stockholder of this firm

I felt it was my duty to
improve employee morale.

Anyway, I searched my
soul, although I realize

science doesn't
accept its existence

and I decided the best
way to help the employees

would be to introduce flex-time.

All in favor, say...

Uh, the resolution
passes unanimously.

From now on

all employees can make
their own schedules.

You were a little
too quick to agree.

I have my reasons.

"Chapter Eight: Screwing it Up."

Flex-time.

You mean we can come
and go as we please.

That's right.

From now on, you're
all masters of your own...

Whoa! Aah!

I hope someone turned
off the coffeemakers.

Ooh, this turned out even
better than I expected.

You compassionate bastard.

You've ruined me.

Ow!

Fore!

They say no one ever faced death

wishing they'd spent
more time at the office.

Guess I'm the first.

Mother of mercy.

Take me home, St. Peter.

Why hast thou forsaken me?

Because you were an
atheist until you hit the ground.

Mental note: next
time, find religion first.

Welcome back.

We were talking about rumors
of the takeover of the company

and the sudden and
precipitous plunge in share price

following Dilbert's
flex-time announcement.

Traylor, I believe
you had a few points.

Vlad, do you have
anything to add?

It's burning.

It's burning so bad.

Not everyone would agree.

Esther, apparently
you've spoken to officials

at the security
exchange commission.

What do you see on the horizon?

No. I don't believe
faces grow back...

but thanks.

And finally, Brownie
the Bear is dead.

I want to thank Animal
Control for their quick action.

Now, I have a stockholder's
meeting to attend.

Fortunately for me, I
am a long-term investor.

Mr. Chairman

how can you explain
the moves you've made

that seem to be
deliberate attempts

to destroy Path-E-Tech
Management Incorporated

and send the stock plummeting?

I don't have to answer to you.

Of course, you do.

We're the shareholders.

Still, you should
have sold hours ago.

It's all in my book
on sale in the lobby.

Buy a copy as they kick you out.

I've owned a share
of this company

since my dear blessed father,

rest his soul in the
sweet bosom of the Lord,

passed it on to me
on his deathbed.

You only own one share of stock?

Don't interrupt me!

I would like to know
why the company

stopped making
those lovely biscuits

with the pink sugar
icing in the middle.

Well, I never cared
for them myself,

but they were my dear sweet
father's favorite bedtime treat.

Every night he'd pour himself

a gigantic tumbler of Scotch

and eat 20 or 30
of those biscuits

until he collapsed
on the kitchen floor

screaming for his insulin.

And then mother would
put it in a tissue box

and bury it in the backyard.

Okay, we're just
about out of time here.

I'm not finished, you
filthy little piece of...!

Security!

Code: Grandma Overload.

By the way, as of this moment

the stock is worth
about six-tenths of a cent.

Anybody who wants to get
out before being totally bankrupt

I'm offering three-tenths
of a cent per share.

Wally, what shall we do?

Wally?

You boys really
screwed up a good thing.

Now that my filthy
riches are gone

I'm just filthy!

Nobody wants that. Nobody!

Wally, where have you been?

I had to transact some business.

Wow. That was exciting.

That buying frenzy
sent the stock

back up to a new all-time high.

Buying frenzy? I thought
it was a selling frenzy.

You're one frenzy behind.

Hey... we didn't sell.

We're still the
majority shareholders

and we're billionaires again.

We're hanging in there,
right, Wally, old buddy?

I... sold everything

while the old lady
was bellyaching.

Wally!

It was in the book.

That's right.

It's all in the last chapter...

"Congratulations. You're broke."

Well, I'm glad I didn't sell.

Actually, you did.

You ought to change the password

on your brokerage account.

This sort of thing
wouldn't happen.

If everyone sold their stock

I wonder who bought it all?

Wow. There's no traffic.

Yeah. That
flex-time really works.

So, now you own the company,
what are you going to do?

I guess you haven't heard.

What?

KROK!

Music that makes you deaf!

K-OW!

We're so distorted, you
can't even tell what I'm saying!

KDOA!

I changed the presets.

I can see that.

Ah. Here we go.

And in business
news, it's official:

Entrepreneur investment
guru Dogbert has sold

his controlling interest
in Dogbert Incorporated

for $100 billion.

Not quite that much.

There's no word on what the
new company will be named.

Hey, look.

On my mark.

You haven't seen
the last of me, buddy!

Now, reset my radio.

I will hunt you
down! I will not rest...

until I see you suffer for
what you've done to me!