Dilbert (1999–2000): Season 1, Episode 3 - The Prototype - full transcript

Dilbert and his team toil diligently on the prototype for the Gruntmaster 6000. They face stiff competition from another engineering team led by Lena.

I estimate this soap has
one more good washing left.

Dang.

It's so small I
can't even find it.

What's with the bath?

Did the shower reject you again?

I'm trying to think
of a product idea.

I read that Einstein

did his best
thinking in the bath.

It's the warm water.

That's the same theory
behind instant soup.

Would you mind
not staring at me?



Uh, what's the camera for?

That's my voice-activated,
motion-sensitive

hovering Dilcamcorder

specially designed to
record my brilliant ideas.

Oh, I hope that's
what that's for.

I'm sitting in water.

I can't use my laptop computer.

Hmm. So that's your story.

Yes, it is.

As an engineer,

obviously you know

that a bathtub is the least
efficient form of bathing.

I'm thinking up ideas.

You're sitting
in your own filth.



Some of it's in the water.

It's kind of like
rinsing your fruit

in the sewer to wash
the pesticides off.

Okay. Bath is over.

Ugh. Why don't
you invent a product

that keeps your skin
from wrinkling after a bath?

Kind of a de-pruner.

Dogbert, that is the
vainest, most superficial idea

I've ever heard.

Thank you.

I don't want to de-prune people.

I want to make the world
a better place to live in.

Is this where you
thought up your invention

that reversed global warming?

Yes. The bath
water helps me think.

And why are you
filming yourself?

I told you.

I can't use the
laptop in the bath.

So, you're sticking
to that story?

Yes, I am.

You know, you're
sitting in your own filth.

I'm trying to think
of an invention

to fix that too.

I think it's called the shower.

This fantasy's been a
profound disappointment.

Ooh, ah, oh, chee!

Ooh, ah, oh, chee!

Ooh, ah, oh, chee!

Ooh, ah, oh, chee!

Ooh, ah, oh, chee!

Ooh, ah, oh, chee!

Ooh, yuck!

All pedestrians eliminated.

Game over.

Can we do some work now?

One more game.

I think I can get
to the rest home

if I blow up the
day care center.

Welcome to pedestrian outrage.

Remember, I'm the only
woman who loves you.

Registered user: Wally.

He's hooked.

We're on a deadline here.

We need to design

the company's
new flagship product

and we need it yesterday.

Yesterday?

Then it's already too late.

Which means...

Yes! One more game.

Everything's been invented.

No, it hasn't.

A time machine.

That's just one example.

All right. Let's go
with a time machine.

Well, that's it.

I'm inured to violence now.

Well, how's the
prototype coming?

Hmm?

A rotating cube.

I like it.

Can we be first to market?

That's a screen saver.

Save the technical mumbo jumbo.

I just want to
know if it'll work.

It'll work, but everyone
already has one.

That's no good.

What else do you have?

We were tossing around
the idea of a time machine.

Well, you'd better
get going on that.

I've heard there's a rival
engineering department

right here in our
own organization

moving into our turf

and developing
their own prototype.

Just out of curiosity

who's running the
other department?

Lena.

Lena? You mean
there really is a Lena?

I always thought
she was just a myth.

She's more than a myth.

She's like the
Xena of engineers.

I heard when she was
attending Wellesley

as a foreign exchange
student, there was an incident

where she severed a
couple of classmates' heads

with a hockey stick.

None of the witnesses
ever talked about that day.

If no one talked

how do we all know the story?

I read it on her Web page.

Uh-oh.

I heard a rumor

that she steals the
ideas of other engineers

then cuts off their
heads so they can't talk.

I like Wally's story better.

Anyway, no shame
in being a runner-up.

After all, Albany is
beautiful this time of year.

Albany?

Whoever designs
the next prototype

will need more floor space.

I'll have to relocate

the unproductive engineers

to our facility in Albany.

Hey, look at this, Alice.

"Home Liposuction Kit."

You could take one of
these babies and... Ooh!

We're doomed.

Lena's team is probably
half-done with their prototype.

We don't even have an idea.

Lena is totally overrated.

We can beat her.

I don't care if most
of the engineers

have gone over to her side.

Lena's team is so big,

you could get lost in the crowd

and never have to lift a finger.

They might get the big raises
and the party atmosphere

but they'll never know
the satisfaction that comes

from really hard work.

You could have
worded that better.

Can I help you?

I've got to get to work
and you're blocking me.

Although it might seem
that way on the surface

in reality, it's you
that's blocking yourself.

You're right.

How do you know that?

It's what I do.

You're a garbage man.

Exactly.

Well, can you at
least move the truck?

It is moving.

It only seems like
it's standing still.

By the way,
thanks for recycling.

Lena.

Dilbert, I am so very sorry.

You must have
been in my blind spot.

I was right in front of you.

Exactly.

You look so pale and sickly.

That's because
I can't... breathe.

I cannot tell you
how excited I am

for the opportunity
to work on a prototype

against such a
pro like yourself.

Me?

I am a huge fan of your work.

You are?

I only hope I can come up

with something half
as brilliant as you...

because I'm sure as
hell not going to Albany.

You know, you're slightly
more friendly than I imagined.

Really?

You don't say.

I mean, all the gossip

about how cutthroat and
Machiavellian you are.

Well, you know how
people exaggerate.

And the rumors about Fred...

The engineer who
mysteriously disappeared

after his project went
up against yours?

Yes. Rumors. All rumors.

Unless a witness comes forward.

Hmm.

What did you bring for lunch?

Oh, salad.

She touched me.

Hey, great. You're
finally getting into it.

What'd you come up with?

It's nothing. Nothing yet.

Still a work in progress.

Give me a few
minutes to clean it up.

Look. There's no
time for niceties.

We're on a deadline.

Just let me see.

What the heck?

"Oh Lena Sweet Lena

"A female divinity

My passions exceed Pi
R-squared times infinity"?

Have you lost your mind?

That is not only the
most nauseating thing

I've ever read

It's meaningless
if R is undefined.

Poetic license.

Man, she must have
blown some smoke

up your butt.

Did she use a giant fan
or just some kind of hose?

I think you're jealous.

Jealous?

I think I speak for all women
capable of reproduction

when I say... no.

What's a word that
rhymes with gradient?

She is sabotaging us.

Have you ever been to Albany?

Gradient... gradient...

Radiant.

I can't believe I'm saying this

but I think we were better
off when Wally was here.

We actually need him.

Ugh!

Wally?

Yes?

Wally, it's us.

So it is.

He doesn't recognize us.

Of course he does.

Wally, old pal, we need
you to come back to the team.

I am not of your team.

I am of Team Lena.

Praise Lena.

Snap out of it, you half-wit.

Pain. Lena said there would
be pain for those who leave.

I see she was right

but I only left to
go to the bathroom.

Lena, I'm coming back!

Wally, it's Dilbert and Alice.

Don't you remember us?

You... you were
from the before time

when I was not of Team Lena.

Praise Lena.

Lena, I return to you!

I swear I will never use
the men's room again!

Boy, he's got it bad.

The worse part is I
like him better this way.

Hey, look at that.

She's holding me up as
an example to her team.

I told you she respects me.

My people, behold the anti-me.

Victory is not enough.

We must destroy our opponent.

We will not only build
a better prototype,

we will build it

upon the crushed bones
and torn flesh of Dilbert!

Dilbert, how wonderful
to see you here.

Alice.

Lena.

We were just passing by.

Look, Dilly, I was wondering

if you weren't
doing anything later

maybe we could get together

and talk about... things.

Oh, uh, sure. Yeah.

My-my cubicle is...

No, no, no, no, no.

Not here at the office.

I was thinking perhaps

your place.

Dilbert!

Yes?

Around 7?

Great. See you tonight.

I got a date.

I got a date!

I got a date!

Hoo-hoo! Yeah!

Package for you, Alice.

Let's see.

Lena's plate is at positive
point five longitude,

negative three latitude.

My plate is at positive
point five longitude

Positive three point latitude.

Lena's fork is at positive
two point five longitude

negative three latitude.

Lena's fork.

Decapitate Dilbert, steal idea,

two quarts milk,
a box of meusli.

Mm. I hate Origami.

I have a date.

Boy, that was weird.

I thought you said
you had a date.

Want to buy a tape?

I'm kind of busy right now.

Half off.

Two for one.

Supplies are limited.

Goodbye, Dogbert.

Lena, long time, no see.

Dogbert, always a pleasure.

Hello, Dilbert.

Oh.

Lena. Did you have any trouble

finding the place?

No, the global
positioning coordinates

you gave were perfect.

Well, come in. Sit down.

Can I get you
something to drink?

Yes. I'll have a Triple
Brandy Alexander

with an Easter
Island Sunset chaser.

A wha...?

How are those
drinks coming, Dilly?

Any minute now, my
Swedish, uh, meatball.

Crap.

Crud.

Idiocy.

Garbage.

Nothing.

Where would that
imbecile keep his notes?

It's so small I, I...
I can't even find it.

That's more than
I needed to know.

Why don't you invent a product

that keeps your skin
from wrinkling after a bath?

Kind of a de-pruner?

It could work.

It could just work.

You want that...

to go?

Lena!

Holy mother of...

Hello?

Oh, my God. Fred, is that you?

Dilbert.

Yes.

Dilbert, this is Joe

Frank, Ed, and Larry.

Hi, how you doing? Hi, Dilbert.

Nice to meet you.

Get out while you still can.

Get out?

Yes, get out.

Can't you see? We're
severed heads in a jar.

Maybe it didn't work
out with you guys,

but that doesn't mean it
won't work out with me.

She really likes me.

That's what she said to me.

She said that to all of us.

Oh.

There you are.

What took you so long?

What took me so long?

You built this VCR
from broken parts?

Of a washing machine.

It's so small, I
can't even find it.

Hey, where'd you get that?

I got it used at a swap meet.

I think you should know

this transdermal
hydro-elastic regenerator

is well within the
realm of possibility.

You mean the de-pruner?

Take a look.

Well, what do you know?

By increasing the gaseous
conduction analyzer

and factoring in the shift

of the gyroscopic
stabilizer... Huh.

It's obvious...

in retrospect.

A bona fide cell
recycling machine.

Well, I'll be.

Actually...

you already are.

I don't know what to say.

I'm not surprised.

Can I have this?

What am I going to do with it?

I'm a garbage man.

Yes. A cell recycling machine.

Pretty darn spiffy.

Team Lena is going down.

Must one person's triumph

be another's humiliation?

Of course.

We stand at the
dawning of a new age

where man
transcends his mortality

and becomes Superman.

Yeah, and I'm
Batgirl. Get on with it.

Shh!

And so, I present to you

the eighth wonder of the world

the de-pruner.

Oh.

36 hours!

36 hours immersed in water.

I can't feel my legs.

Now... behold!

We better rent Ironweed.

Hey, Wally!

I got your trunks!

Woo!

But the best part

is what my invention
can do for your sex lives!

It's so small,

I can't even find it.

Oh, yes.

De-pruning is the
ultimate aphrodisiac

for married couples
only, of course.

She's making me think of sex

at the same time
I see you naked.

Now I've got Dilbert and sex
in the same part of my brain!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Get it out!

You made this happen.

You made me think of Dilbert

and sex at the same time!

You've ruined sex for me!

Forever!

I'm starting to be insulted.

Lena must pay!

Ho!

Ho!

Our special today is
an angry horde of rioters

who will trample
you and your date.

Ooh, I'll have that...

Oh, forgive me, madam.

I had no... Honey?

Darling, I can explain.

Hey, that's some deal.

Yeah, I'll take two.

Kind of funny how
things turn out.

I haven't lost yet, buddy boy.

I'll cut off your head

and send your scrawny
girlfriend Alice to Albany.

Girlfriend?

Me? His?

Have you gone mad?

She's nuts.

75% off.

Last chance before they're
pulled from the market

repackaged as a deluxe edition
and then put back on the market.

I've got images in my
brain I'll never get out!

I knew I shouldn't
have added that option.

Well, better this than Albany.

I wonder how this shows
up on our head count report.

Feeling inadequate?

Not measuring up
to the other guys?

Well, you're probably right.

So give me $29.95
and I guarantee

you'll feel a lot better.

It's so small, I
can't even find it.

I can't even find
it. I meant soap.

I was talking about soap.

Wasn't it obvious?

I was talking about soap.

Soap!