Dilbert (1999–2000): Season 1, Episode 7 - Tower of Babel - full transcript
After spreading through the workplace, a flu virus begins to mutate its victims. Dilbert realizes the only possible protection for him is an office with a door.
Shouldn't you be at work by now
in your dehumanizing
little cubicle
squatting in quiet desperation?
I've got a cold.
I.E., the wussiest
of all illnesses.
Come on, get
dressed and go to work.
You know I like to
have the house to myself
in the late morning.
I hate when people
go to work sick.
All they do is hack and
cough and spread their germs
and infect everyone else.
Just to be safe, it might be a
good time to update your will.
"I, Dilbert, being of sound
mind and sound body..."
I can't sign this.
My body isn't sound.
Typo.
"sound mind and round body..."
It's just a cold,
and I'm this close
to finding the cure.
Look, I've already
isolated the virus.
You mean bacteria.
That's a common misconception.
Colds are caused by viruses.
Bacteria are microorganisms
that contain no chlorophyll
and multiply by simple division
while viruses
are parasitic polynucleotides
surrounded by a layer of protein
which are unable to reproduce
without invading a host cell.
Well, you got a
big ol' brain on you.
This microscopic,
nuclear-powered
intravenous probe
seeks out the cold
virus and destroys it
with a highly
focused sonic blast.
Okay. I don't
usually like to do this,
but I feel sorry for
you on so many levels.
Here. This'll cure
you immediately.
Really? What is it?
A placebo.
A placebo. Now that
you told me it's a placebo
it's not going to work.
It will if you think it will.
But I already
know it's a placebo.
Maybe it isn't.
You just said it was.
That's precisely the
power of the placebo.
No, thanks.
I'll try my method.
All right, give me the pill.
So, according to
the market research
the people most likely to buy
our Gruntmaster 6000 product
are the same group
who are most likely
to buy UFO abduction insurance.
Maybe we could package them.
Alice, you're sick.
Go home.
I'm not sick. You're sick.
No. I was sick.
Now I'm fine.
Oh, good for you.
It's your fault.
You gave it to me.
Well, you gave it
to me before that.
You gave it to me before that.
Well, you gave it to me...
You know, we've been
passing the same cold
back and forth for seven years.
Well, you started it.
It's these cubicles.
This wouldn't happen if
we all had offices with doors.
Or at least if I did.
Can I have your sick days?
Are you coming
down with something?
No, but why waste a
sick day when you're sick?
Because you're sick?
Well, I'd rather be
sick at the office.
They have soup and
tea, and nobody bugs me.
Besides, I'm
saving up sick days.
I've got nearly, uh, 12,000.
One day, I'll have enough
to call in sick until I retire.
I'll trade one of my sick days
for a carton of sticky notes.
It'll appear on your
desk tomorrow.
I'll give you my sick day
for a box of binder
clips and some tape.
Done and done.
If I had my own office
I would just lock the
door during cold season
and never come out.
What about going
to the bathroom?
You know what I mean.
No. I don't.
What's the difference?
You'll never have an
office in this company...
Or any other. Ever.
You're an engineer.
I can still dream.
Look at this.
It's a minefield of germs.
Oh, my.
Alice, drink this.
Ahh... that's good.
Lovely day, isn't it?
Anyway, as you may have heard...
especially you...
40 percent of our workforce
has dropped dead from
some sort of mysterious illness.
The heartier folks have just
turned into hideous mutants.
We don't know what's causing it.
But we have some hunches...
Funny!
Be that as it may, the names
of these valiant employees
who died for some
reason that cannot be
conclusively linked
to workplace hazards
have been engraved on the
marble wall you see behind us.
Their sacrifice is an
inspiration to us all
not to mention a cost savings
that goes directly
to the bottom line.
Questions?
Yes, Loud Howard.
I... I...
I've lost my voice.
Finally! Hooray!
Thank God!
Sorry, son. I couldn't hear you.
Oh, me...
At this time, it gives me
great pleasure to do this.
It also gives me great
pleasure to introduce the owner
of Dogbert's Private
Environmental Protection Agency.
Him.
My research indicates that
there are abnormal levels
of insect fecal matter present
throughout this building.
And as the black light
reveals, even in this very room...
What's that all about?!
Highest concentrations
of insect fecal matter
were found to be
present on Wally.
Eww!
That's unsavory!
Gross!
I can't see.
Get away from me!
Take a shower!
You're disgusting!
It's not my fault
that flies like me.
So the insect fecal
matter's making us sick?
No, but I thought it was
an interesting side note.
Unfortunately, this building
like everything
that's ever existed
in the history of the
universe, is dying.
We're doing what we can to
make its last hours comfortable.
Clear!
I have two recommendations,
either of which I can
feel more strongly about
based purely on
the size of my fee.
One is to keep the building
on life support indefinitely
and watch more
people mutate and die.
What if I just pretend to watch?
What's the other choice?
To build a brand-new,
incredibly over-budgeted
ill-conceived headquarters.
Excuse me while I weigh
those very, uh, weighty choices.
Does anyone know
what "heads" means?
Excuse me. Can I see you?
Can't you?
Have I become invisible?!
No.
Woo! You had me
scared for a minute there.
I don't understand.
Every day, I
water this silk tree
but it hasn't grown an inch.
It's not a tree that grows silk.
It's made out of silk.
Probably needs more light.
Yeah. Try that.
Uh, by the way, what, with the
recent outbreak of disease here
I think you made
the right decision
to build a new headquarters.
That's not why we're moving.
Get over yourself.
There's a much bigger
issue at stake here.
There is?
Yes. Of course.
This building is a rectangle.
Almost square, but not quite.
Do you know what I mean? Rarely.
I've always wanted
to work in a building
shaped like an
isosceles triangle.
An isosceles triangle?
You think I'm mad,
don't you, Dilbert?
No.
You think I'm stupid?
No.
Lazy? No.
Fat? No.
Well, I wish I'd married you
instead of the hag in my house.
I was thinking... You're
gonna need somebody
to oversee the design
and organize the move.
Someone with first-rate
engineering skills.
An aptitude for problem solving.
Way-above-average intelligence.
No, I think we
should use someone
who works at this company.
Well, I'd like to volunteer.
All I ask in return
is for first dibs on any
extra offices with doors.
Oh... I see your
hidden agenda now.
You're the master
of the obvious.
Well, no need to flatter me.
You've got the job.
And they said no engineer
could have his own office.
I think this would be a great
site for the new headquarters.
Let's visit site number two.
Okay, let's visit
site number three.
So, I think the choice
is pretty obvious.
Right. We build
on the cliffside.
Wait. Wait.
What about the meadow?
If you wanted the
meadow why did you make
such a convincing
case for the cliffs?
But the meadow is so
picturesque, so peaceful.
It's... perfect.
Alice, tell him.
Uh-huh...
Wally, help me out here.
Uh, the meadow's only five
minutes from your house.
Well...
I suppose we could build a cliff
in the meadow!
Get the best of both worlds.
Or we could just wait a week
and you'll forget about the cliff.
Will that work?
Usually.
Well, in that case, why wait?
The meadow it is.
And put your office
smack dab next to mine.
As you can see,
each floor will be portioned
Into pie-shaped divisions
So that at the center of the pie
Where all the divisions converge
Employees will engage in
valuable knowledge transfer.
Must... stay... awake...
Managers will
have private offices
As will one cunning engineer.
Now, any questions?
I'm sorry, I don't speak fly.
Anyone else?
Anybody?
What will be the
parking situation
at the new headquarters?
Good question.
We will have a state-of-the-art
underground parking structure.
I'll be needing extra headroom.
How about it?
Give it up for the Dil-man.
Hold my calls.
Hey, uh, Dilly.
Jimbo, Frankie and I are
taking in a ball game tonight.
Afterwards we're going
out for pizza, beers,
maybe play a little darts.
What do you say?
Who are you?
Very funny.
I'm your old pal
Tony from Sales.
I know we've never
spoken before,
but I love your take on
the new headquarters.
Brilliant! Stroke
of genius, really.
I'm going to need some
extra steps on the staircase.
You know, because of the legs.
Extra half steps on
the stairs for multi-pods.
I'll see what I can do.
And don't put me
next to the boss.
Hey, Dil. Greg from Marketing.
We've never met, would never
like each other in normal life,
and yet since I've
become reptilian
I feel we have an unspoken bond.
Go on.
What, with the scales
and what have you,
I'll be needing a sink
with scalding hot
water to clean myself.
Okay. Special scalding hot
water valve for reptilian employees.
I'll try.
Oh. Don't put me
next to the boss.
Hey, Dilby.
Now that I'm an exoskeleton,
I'll need a separate thermostat
so I can keep the
temperature in my cubicle
at 94 degrees Fahrenheit.
Otherwise, I'll die.
Special heating
ducts for the skinless.
I can't promise anything, but...
Okay. I understand.
I'm not afraid of expiring,
but just don't put
me next to the boss.
Got it.
Hey, watch it.
Sorry.
We need to talk.
Right, right.
You know there's a suggestion
box on the fourth floor.
How am I supposed to
use a suggestion box?
Maybe you could just hang
around the suggestion box
and yell your ideas
at people who walk by.
Okay, but I'm going to need
special pulleys and slides
to get around the
office and between floors
and a customized keyboard
and, uh, uh, lower
toilets... Much lower.
Okay, I'll check into it.
And I will suck you
into my ectoplasm
if you put me next to the boss.
I'll need more leg room.
I have gills and I
have to be in water.
I'm also deciduous.
More doorknobs.
I need a butt-rubbing tree.
Butt-rubbing tree, got it.
Keep him away from me.
Okay, I can put the swamp
here, a butt-rubbing tree over here,
lower these toilets...
All this just to get
your own office.
It's worth it.
Do you really believe
that all this is happening
because of sick-
building syndrome?
I have no reason
not to believe it.
What if it's all in their minds?
Everything is in our minds,
but when it causes
us to grow an extra leg
I think we need
to take it seriously.
Okay, okay.
On a lighter note,
I have a coupon
for a free fecal wash.
No, thanks.
On the house.
On the house? Okay.
Wally, you got
your stuff packed?
It's time to go.
I'm not going
anywhere, Dil-bzzz.
You okay?
Do flies catch cold
or do they just drop dead?
Are you gonna use
one of your sick days?
No way.
I've banked 14 years
worth of sick days.
It's time to cash them
in and retire early.
Um... Wally... I
hate to do this,
but I think this
might be a good time
to tell you something.
Sick days don't
accumulate, they expire.
And you can't trade sick
days with other people.
We've been using you
to steal office supplies
for us for years.
It's easier than ordering
from the catalog.
I guess it was kind
of cruel in retrospect.
Uh... Dil-bert?
Yes?
My nose.
It itches.
Try not to think about it.
Otherwise, your whole
body will start itching.
Ah, moving day...
exciting, isn't it?
You know, if this works out,
maybe we'll do it every year.
What? Move? That's insane.
You've got to learn to
think outside the box, Dilbert.
So, who's going to be
in the office next to me
Where all the action happens?
The nerve center.
You've got the
whole floor to yourself.
Excellent.
By the way, I
forgot to tell you...
I need to make a few minor
alterations to the building.
Alterations?
Teeny-tiny.
Nothing with nothing.
But... Poquito. Ca va?
Like what?
Well, remember that whole thing
about the isosceles triangle?
I had it all wrong. I
meant a trapezoid.
It's already been built!
You're in charge.
Make it happen.
Check back with me in a week.
That's the spirit!
That's the end of that.
Dilbert!
I must say I'm very impressed
with the way the new
headquarters has turned out.
It's so shiny and big.
And white.
And these... portals.
You can actually
see through them.
It's a miracle.
You mean the windows.
Yes... and those
magical moving stairs.
I mean, where do they all go?
Anyway, you've
done a bang-up job.
It's so perfect.
Thank you.
Yeah, it's so perfect.
Too bad we can't
afford to stay here.
What?
I just saw the rent
allocation budget.
Too rich for our blood.
We'll lease it to a more
profitable company.
But... but...
By the way, where's the cliff?
Alice, you look a lot...
I was never sick!
Yeah, that's what
I meant to say.
Luckily, everyone seems to
be developing an immunity
to the toxic environment.
I guess, as a species
ultimately, we can
adapt to anything.
Yay for us.
Everybody, I'd like to
personally welcome you all back
to the new, healthier,
old headquarters.
How is it healthier?
Well, for one thing, we've
added warning signs.
Hey, everybody...
I'm back to my old self.
Too bad.
Secondly, we've
stocked the first aid kits
with these new wonder drugs.
"Plah-see-bos."
in your dehumanizing
little cubicle
squatting in quiet desperation?
I've got a cold.
I.E., the wussiest
of all illnesses.
Come on, get
dressed and go to work.
You know I like to
have the house to myself
in the late morning.
I hate when people
go to work sick.
All they do is hack and
cough and spread their germs
and infect everyone else.
Just to be safe, it might be a
good time to update your will.
"I, Dilbert, being of sound
mind and sound body..."
I can't sign this.
My body isn't sound.
Typo.
"sound mind and round body..."
It's just a cold,
and I'm this close
to finding the cure.
Look, I've already
isolated the virus.
You mean bacteria.
That's a common misconception.
Colds are caused by viruses.
Bacteria are microorganisms
that contain no chlorophyll
and multiply by simple division
while viruses
are parasitic polynucleotides
surrounded by a layer of protein
which are unable to reproduce
without invading a host cell.
Well, you got a
big ol' brain on you.
This microscopic,
nuclear-powered
intravenous probe
seeks out the cold
virus and destroys it
with a highly
focused sonic blast.
Okay. I don't
usually like to do this,
but I feel sorry for
you on so many levels.
Here. This'll cure
you immediately.
Really? What is it?
A placebo.
A placebo. Now that
you told me it's a placebo
it's not going to work.
It will if you think it will.
But I already
know it's a placebo.
Maybe it isn't.
You just said it was.
That's precisely the
power of the placebo.
No, thanks.
I'll try my method.
All right, give me the pill.
So, according to
the market research
the people most likely to buy
our Gruntmaster 6000 product
are the same group
who are most likely
to buy UFO abduction insurance.
Maybe we could package them.
Alice, you're sick.
Go home.
I'm not sick. You're sick.
No. I was sick.
Now I'm fine.
Oh, good for you.
It's your fault.
You gave it to me.
Well, you gave it
to me before that.
You gave it to me before that.
Well, you gave it to me...
You know, we've been
passing the same cold
back and forth for seven years.
Well, you started it.
It's these cubicles.
This wouldn't happen if
we all had offices with doors.
Or at least if I did.
Can I have your sick days?
Are you coming
down with something?
No, but why waste a
sick day when you're sick?
Because you're sick?
Well, I'd rather be
sick at the office.
They have soup and
tea, and nobody bugs me.
Besides, I'm
saving up sick days.
I've got nearly, uh, 12,000.
One day, I'll have enough
to call in sick until I retire.
I'll trade one of my sick days
for a carton of sticky notes.
It'll appear on your
desk tomorrow.
I'll give you my sick day
for a box of binder
clips and some tape.
Done and done.
If I had my own office
I would just lock the
door during cold season
and never come out.
What about going
to the bathroom?
You know what I mean.
No. I don't.
What's the difference?
You'll never have an
office in this company...
Or any other. Ever.
You're an engineer.
I can still dream.
Look at this.
It's a minefield of germs.
Oh, my.
Alice, drink this.
Ahh... that's good.
Lovely day, isn't it?
Anyway, as you may have heard...
especially you...
40 percent of our workforce
has dropped dead from
some sort of mysterious illness.
The heartier folks have just
turned into hideous mutants.
We don't know what's causing it.
But we have some hunches...
Funny!
Be that as it may, the names
of these valiant employees
who died for some
reason that cannot be
conclusively linked
to workplace hazards
have been engraved on the
marble wall you see behind us.
Their sacrifice is an
inspiration to us all
not to mention a cost savings
that goes directly
to the bottom line.
Questions?
Yes, Loud Howard.
I... I...
I've lost my voice.
Finally! Hooray!
Thank God!
Sorry, son. I couldn't hear you.
Oh, me...
At this time, it gives me
great pleasure to do this.
It also gives me great
pleasure to introduce the owner
of Dogbert's Private
Environmental Protection Agency.
Him.
My research indicates that
there are abnormal levels
of insect fecal matter present
throughout this building.
And as the black light
reveals, even in this very room...
What's that all about?!
Highest concentrations
of insect fecal matter
were found to be
present on Wally.
Eww!
That's unsavory!
Gross!
I can't see.
Get away from me!
Take a shower!
You're disgusting!
It's not my fault
that flies like me.
So the insect fecal
matter's making us sick?
No, but I thought it was
an interesting side note.
Unfortunately, this building
like everything
that's ever existed
in the history of the
universe, is dying.
We're doing what we can to
make its last hours comfortable.
Clear!
I have two recommendations,
either of which I can
feel more strongly about
based purely on
the size of my fee.
One is to keep the building
on life support indefinitely
and watch more
people mutate and die.
What if I just pretend to watch?
What's the other choice?
To build a brand-new,
incredibly over-budgeted
ill-conceived headquarters.
Excuse me while I weigh
those very, uh, weighty choices.
Does anyone know
what "heads" means?
Excuse me. Can I see you?
Can't you?
Have I become invisible?!
No.
Woo! You had me
scared for a minute there.
I don't understand.
Every day, I
water this silk tree
but it hasn't grown an inch.
It's not a tree that grows silk.
It's made out of silk.
Probably needs more light.
Yeah. Try that.
Uh, by the way, what, with the
recent outbreak of disease here
I think you made
the right decision
to build a new headquarters.
That's not why we're moving.
Get over yourself.
There's a much bigger
issue at stake here.
There is?
Yes. Of course.
This building is a rectangle.
Almost square, but not quite.
Do you know what I mean? Rarely.
I've always wanted
to work in a building
shaped like an
isosceles triangle.
An isosceles triangle?
You think I'm mad,
don't you, Dilbert?
No.
You think I'm stupid?
No.
Lazy? No.
Fat? No.
Well, I wish I'd married you
instead of the hag in my house.
I was thinking... You're
gonna need somebody
to oversee the design
and organize the move.
Someone with first-rate
engineering skills.
An aptitude for problem solving.
Way-above-average intelligence.
No, I think we
should use someone
who works at this company.
Well, I'd like to volunteer.
All I ask in return
is for first dibs on any
extra offices with doors.
Oh... I see your
hidden agenda now.
You're the master
of the obvious.
Well, no need to flatter me.
You've got the job.
And they said no engineer
could have his own office.
I think this would be a great
site for the new headquarters.
Let's visit site number two.
Okay, let's visit
site number three.
So, I think the choice
is pretty obvious.
Right. We build
on the cliffside.
Wait. Wait.
What about the meadow?
If you wanted the
meadow why did you make
such a convincing
case for the cliffs?
But the meadow is so
picturesque, so peaceful.
It's... perfect.
Alice, tell him.
Uh-huh...
Wally, help me out here.
Uh, the meadow's only five
minutes from your house.
Well...
I suppose we could build a cliff
in the meadow!
Get the best of both worlds.
Or we could just wait a week
and you'll forget about the cliff.
Will that work?
Usually.
Well, in that case, why wait?
The meadow it is.
And put your office
smack dab next to mine.
As you can see,
each floor will be portioned
Into pie-shaped divisions
So that at the center of the pie
Where all the divisions converge
Employees will engage in
valuable knowledge transfer.
Must... stay... awake...
Managers will
have private offices
As will one cunning engineer.
Now, any questions?
I'm sorry, I don't speak fly.
Anyone else?
Anybody?
What will be the
parking situation
at the new headquarters?
Good question.
We will have a state-of-the-art
underground parking structure.
I'll be needing extra headroom.
How about it?
Give it up for the Dil-man.
Hold my calls.
Hey, uh, Dilly.
Jimbo, Frankie and I are
taking in a ball game tonight.
Afterwards we're going
out for pizza, beers,
maybe play a little darts.
What do you say?
Who are you?
Very funny.
I'm your old pal
Tony from Sales.
I know we've never
spoken before,
but I love your take on
the new headquarters.
Brilliant! Stroke
of genius, really.
I'm going to need some
extra steps on the staircase.
You know, because of the legs.
Extra half steps on
the stairs for multi-pods.
I'll see what I can do.
And don't put me
next to the boss.
Hey, Dil. Greg from Marketing.
We've never met, would never
like each other in normal life,
and yet since I've
become reptilian
I feel we have an unspoken bond.
Go on.
What, with the scales
and what have you,
I'll be needing a sink
with scalding hot
water to clean myself.
Okay. Special scalding hot
water valve for reptilian employees.
I'll try.
Oh. Don't put me
next to the boss.
Hey, Dilby.
Now that I'm an exoskeleton,
I'll need a separate thermostat
so I can keep the
temperature in my cubicle
at 94 degrees Fahrenheit.
Otherwise, I'll die.
Special heating
ducts for the skinless.
I can't promise anything, but...
Okay. I understand.
I'm not afraid of expiring,
but just don't put
me next to the boss.
Got it.
Hey, watch it.
Sorry.
We need to talk.
Right, right.
You know there's a suggestion
box on the fourth floor.
How am I supposed to
use a suggestion box?
Maybe you could just hang
around the suggestion box
and yell your ideas
at people who walk by.
Okay, but I'm going to need
special pulleys and slides
to get around the
office and between floors
and a customized keyboard
and, uh, uh, lower
toilets... Much lower.
Okay, I'll check into it.
And I will suck you
into my ectoplasm
if you put me next to the boss.
I'll need more leg room.
I have gills and I
have to be in water.
I'm also deciduous.
More doorknobs.
I need a butt-rubbing tree.
Butt-rubbing tree, got it.
Keep him away from me.
Okay, I can put the swamp
here, a butt-rubbing tree over here,
lower these toilets...
All this just to get
your own office.
It's worth it.
Do you really believe
that all this is happening
because of sick-
building syndrome?
I have no reason
not to believe it.
What if it's all in their minds?
Everything is in our minds,
but when it causes
us to grow an extra leg
I think we need
to take it seriously.
Okay, okay.
On a lighter note,
I have a coupon
for a free fecal wash.
No, thanks.
On the house.
On the house? Okay.
Wally, you got
your stuff packed?
It's time to go.
I'm not going
anywhere, Dil-bzzz.
You okay?
Do flies catch cold
or do they just drop dead?
Are you gonna use
one of your sick days?
No way.
I've banked 14 years
worth of sick days.
It's time to cash them
in and retire early.
Um... Wally... I
hate to do this,
but I think this
might be a good time
to tell you something.
Sick days don't
accumulate, they expire.
And you can't trade sick
days with other people.
We've been using you
to steal office supplies
for us for years.
It's easier than ordering
from the catalog.
I guess it was kind
of cruel in retrospect.
Uh... Dil-bert?
Yes?
My nose.
It itches.
Try not to think about it.
Otherwise, your whole
body will start itching.
Ah, moving day...
exciting, isn't it?
You know, if this works out,
maybe we'll do it every year.
What? Move? That's insane.
You've got to learn to
think outside the box, Dilbert.
So, who's going to be
in the office next to me
Where all the action happens?
The nerve center.
You've got the
whole floor to yourself.
Excellent.
By the way, I
forgot to tell you...
I need to make a few minor
alterations to the building.
Alterations?
Teeny-tiny.
Nothing with nothing.
But... Poquito. Ca va?
Like what?
Well, remember that whole thing
about the isosceles triangle?
I had it all wrong. I
meant a trapezoid.
It's already been built!
You're in charge.
Make it happen.
Check back with me in a week.
That's the spirit!
That's the end of that.
Dilbert!
I must say I'm very impressed
with the way the new
headquarters has turned out.
It's so shiny and big.
And white.
And these... portals.
You can actually
see through them.
It's a miracle.
You mean the windows.
Yes... and those
magical moving stairs.
I mean, where do they all go?
Anyway, you've
done a bang-up job.
It's so perfect.
Thank you.
Yeah, it's so perfect.
Too bad we can't
afford to stay here.
What?
I just saw the rent
allocation budget.
Too rich for our blood.
We'll lease it to a more
profitable company.
But... but...
By the way, where's the cliff?
Alice, you look a lot...
I was never sick!
Yeah, that's what
I meant to say.
Luckily, everyone seems to
be developing an immunity
to the toxic environment.
I guess, as a species
ultimately, we can
adapt to anything.
Yay for us.
Everybody, I'd like to
personally welcome you all back
to the new, healthier,
old headquarters.
How is it healthier?
Well, for one thing, we've
added warning signs.
Hey, everybody...
I'm back to my old self.
Too bad.
Secondly, we've
stocked the first aid kits
with these new wonder drugs.
"Plah-see-bos."