Dilbert (1999–2000): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Competition - full transcript

Next, on channel seven...

America's Favorite
Media-Generated Disasters.

I can't believe you
watch this stuff.

Tonight, we'll show you
how one camera crew

provoked Madonna
to break her foot.

Ow!

I think I broke my foot!

Do you ever get tired

of watching bad things
happen to people?

That's crazy talk.

I mean, don't you think
people have enough problems



without the media
creating new ones?

Sometimes the natural disasters

aren't spread evenly
across the week.

You need filler.

Filler?

Speaking of which,

how was your day?

Talk about disasters.

The executive new product
evaluation subcommittee

has recommended to the
executive new product committee

to push up the deadline on
the Gruntmaster 6000 Project

because of some scurrilous rumor

that one of our competitors

allegedly not
even in our field...



Although that can't be confirmed

because we don't know
what field we're in...

Is releasing a
similarly-themed product

that might possibly have
some aspect in common with

or overlap in some slight way

The Gruntmaster 6000.

Now the whole thing's got
to be ready in three weeks.

What makes you
qualified to be a reporter?

I'm willing to violate
anyone's privacy

for my personal gain

and then claim
with a straight face

that the public
has a right to know.

Have you been using me

as your main source
of industry information?

No, not the main source.

I also make stuff up.

For instance, I've
started a rumor

that your company is a front

for an international
organ harvesting cult.

Organ harvesting cult?

That's ridiculous.

Oh, really.

So, where exactly did
you hear about us, folks?

What do you
know... buy an organ.

First off, Dilbo,

we want to tell you
what a terrific job

you've done on the Puntblaster.

Even Product
Industry News says so.

They called it "a product
worthy of a better company."

Oh, yeah! Yeah! Excellent!

Who the man?

You the man!

Thanks. By the way, it's
actually called The Gruntmaster.

Whoa! Look who's
getting all proprietary.

Easy, guy. No point
in getting married

to a name at this stage.

Come now, one name's
as good as another.

Stop being so rigid.

You're the one who
insisted that the name

was the most important
part of the project.

I have no recollection of that.

The name is the most
important part of the project.

I cannot emphasize
this strongly enough.

And once we have a
name, there's no going back.

That's my final word.

Alice, are you getting
this all on tape?

Wow.

I have a beautiful
speaking voice.

Well, like we said, we
think you're 90% there.

These changes we're thinking
of here are purely tweaks.

Nothing that's going
to change the thrust

of what you're trying to
do with this in any, any way.

I like the way you
said "any" twice.

It shows... you care.

You care.

These changes
are really up to you.

They couldn't matter less.

Feel free to ignore
any two of them.

As long as they're
not two of mine.

Hear what I'm saying?

But seriously, Dilb, we need
to reach a demographic group

that you may have overlooked.

Consumers.

Right. The people who
are going to buy this thing

are going to want
it not just for...

Whatever the heck it is.

It's an exercise machine.

For real?

How can you possibly
market something

If you don't even
know what it is?

Whoa-hoa...

Put the brakes on
the negativity express.

It's not only possible.

It's poss-ee-ble.

All you've got to do

is give it more attitude.

Make it more retro,
but not antique.

You know, futuristic,
but not techno.

Sexier.

But more gender-neutral.

You see what we're after?

I think we're all
on the same page.

What page is that?

We're still on track

for a spring roll-out, right?

We have to debut The Gruntmaster

before the competition
gets the jump on us.

I don't see anything that
could stand in our way.

Sanity, reality, the
laws of physics...

Looks like we're done here.

Dilbertio, I think I
speak for everybody here

when I say we've got
complete confidence

that you can pull this off.

But keep in mind
we're all huge liars.

Oh, my God, this can't be good.

Look at that.

It's got a capital
letter in the middle

German spelling, and it's...

A thousand higher than ours!

I've brought it to my attention

That our biggest
competitor, Nirvana Co...

The greatest
engineering firm of all time.

The executives actually
listen to what you tell them

and respond with neither
sarcasm nor total incomprehension.

The rumor is

they treat you like
a human being!

And I would love to be
treated like a human being!

Just once!

Here you go, boy.

We've got a crisis on our hands.

If they debut their Gruntmeister
7000 in three weeks

they'll completely
dominate the market.

Don't they already
dominate the market?

If you believe the
bible of our industry.

Anyway, we're going to move the
production schedule ahead again.

What? How can we possibly
speed up the schedule any more?

I've given that
a lot of thought.

Have you?

No. But nevertheless,

I realize it would be impossible

for you people to work any
harder than you already are...

This is going to be bad.

Or any longer than
you already are...

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

So we're going
to work... tighter.

What? Tighter?

What the heck does that mean?

Security... Strict,
tight security.

Nirvana Co. seems to
know our every move,

and then beat us to the punch.

If this phantom insider knows
what's going on in Nirvana Co.

He's sure to be
snooping around here.

Now, our security consultant,

Mr. Dogbert,

has outlined a series
of strict new protocols

to ensure nothing
leaks out to the media.

All right, people, listen up.

Nursery school is over.

I don't know what you've
been doing up until now

But from now on,
things around here

are going to be
done by the book.

There's going to be full frontal

and backal strip searches.

All communication will be
done in the form of codes

which will be changed

on a daily basis.

Is there a banjo player in
Farmer Johansson's silo?

A pigeon has no use for keys.

He opens doors with his song.

All company documents
will be printed on edible paper

for immediate memorization
and consumption.

This is going to be great.

What are you talking about?

It's going to be like
living under martial law

in some kind of
postapocalyptic nightmare.

Exactly. Do you know
how desperate women get

under martial law in some kind
of postapocalyptic nightmare?

I guess I haven't studied
it as extensively as you.

You've got that right.

It was the topic of
my graduate thesis.

Empty your pockets, please.

All right, move along.

Nothing to see here.

Where do you think you're going?

To get the phone.

Oh, no. I'm not falling
for that one again.

Okay, fine. I'm going.

Flaming Commando

to Central Control:

I have an intruder situation

In area 4-g-1-1-niner-
slash-d-x-p-y-k-25-l-m.

Rainbow, bravo, nylon,
delta, tango, foxtrot.

I nabbed this one
trying to escape.

What?

Since when is
leaving your cubicle

to use the bathroom escaping?

Since 2:30 this afternoon.

Good work, Leonard.

Why are we here?!

What have we done wrong?!

I'll tell you what
you've done wrong.

Someone in this room...

Is a traitor!

What are you talking about?

I'll tell you what
I'm talking about.

Someone in this room leaked
information to this magazine

regarding our new
security measures.

Now, before you go
accusing each other,

let me accuse you.

Alice!

You're out of your mind.

I was going to say,

"Let me say why it
couldn't be Alice."

You see, I've been
watching you nonstop

on the security monitors.

But we all have those
cameras in our cubes.

Yes, but I've only
been watching hers.

Ooh, that's a relief.

Can I get back to filing
my harassment suit?

Soon. Now, Wally

This current state of siege

is the only chance you will
ever, ever have of scoring.

Is that right?

Oh, yeah. Definitely.

No question there. No other way.

So it would not be
in your best interest

to sabotage such a rare and
favorable situation, would it?

Hey... no, it wouldn't.

That leaves Dilbert
and Loud Howard.

I think we'd all agree
it's impossible for Howard

to do anything in secret.

Why do you say things
that you know will hurt me?!

Which, I'm sorry to say, leaves
only one possible suspect:

One who had the means, the
motive and the opportunity...

Well, the, uh... the means...

Uh, anyway, it's Dilbert. But...

Profanity won't
help you now, son.

This is so hard for me to say.

Actually, it's
not. You're fired.

Clean out your desk and leave.

But I... Uh-uh-uh.

But... N-uh.

Uh... D-oh.

D-oh... Uh!

I can't believe
this is happening.

You're making a
terrible mistake.

I... I'm a model employee.

But not a working model.

Ooh!

I wish I were the kind of person

who didn't stand for
this sort of treatment.

Everybody down.

He's becoming disgruntled!

I can't believe it.

This cubicle has
been my sanctuary.

Now I'm just a refugee...
a cubicle-less nomad

doomed to roam the earth
in search of a new oasis

in the harsh
corporate wasteland.

Well, you know, as
long as you remember

nothing is worth
committing suicide over.

I wasn't planning on
committing suicide.

Are you sure?

Yes. Think about it, Dilbert.

An eternity of peace. No.

I have Jack Kevorkian's
home number.

I said no!

Mmm, suit yourself.

Dibs on his chair.

I don't wear boxers.

Tonight, at 11:00...

Could a giant squid really
eat a major metropolitan area?

Find out how to
protect your family.

Why is the news always the same

as the miniseries
that was just on?

What are the odds of that?

There's some things
you're not meant to know.

I have to get a job.

I've been moping
around the house for...

12 hours and 27 minutes.

I'm not bothering you, am I?

Being around all the time?

It's an adjustment...

In the same sense
as, for example

being buried alive.

What I'd really like to get

is a job at Nirvana company.

I'll take care of it.

Plan to report to
work on Monday.

You can get me a job at Nirvana?

How?

That's another
one of those things

you're not meant to know.

Maybe I don't want to know.

We were all very impressed

with your resume, Dilbert.

Did I send a resume?

I believe your
assistant, a Mr. Dogbert,

was kind enough to forward it.

We usually insist
on an interview

before offering a job

but how many double Nobel
Prize winners does one see?

Ah.

You may have heard
we have a different way

of "doing things" around here

that you'll have
to get "used to"

but I think you'll enjoy
the level of "freedom"

we allow our "employees."

"Thank you."

Here's one of our
recreation rooms.

As you can see,
at Nirvana company

employee happiness
comes first...

Just like in the space
colonies of the future.

Oh, thank you.

I was wondering,
would it be at all possible

for me to get on the
Gruntmeister 7000 project?

Dilbert, if there
were such a project

believe me, I'd not
only put you on it

but you'd be the head designer

with a staff of assistants

and a budget that would
choke a wide-necked animal.

What do you mean "if
there were such a project"?

You must be talking
about that article

in Product Industry News.

Complete fiction.

I don't know how they get away

with publishing that rubbish

and I certainly can't imagine

anyone taking it seriously.

Now, would you like
to see your new offices?

Offices?

I'll leave you to acclimate
to your new surroundings.

If you need anything

the robots are programmed
to respond to your thoughts.

I have a door.

I sure do miss him.

Have you talked
to him since he left?

Who?

I'm going to need
a marrow sample.

Poke away, my good man.

Take as much as you want.

Drain me.

Yeow!

Oh, Wally, are you all right?

All right? I hope
this never ends.

♪ Dum-do, dum-dum-do
dum-dum, dum-dum-dum ♪

♪ Dum-dum, dum-dum-dum ♪

♪ My Sharona ♪♪

This is just impossible.

How am I going to
get any work done

if there's no tension?

I need a new pen.

I'd like the forms to
requisition a pen, please.

Forms for a pen?

Ultimately, yes,

but we both know it's
not gonna be that easy.

Come on in.

Pens are in aisle five.

Take what you need.

Floatation tank time

will now commence
in the main atrium.

Bye-bye.

No line.

What are you doing?

Waiting for you to finish.

Well, I might be awhile.

You could use one
of the other machines.

They're working?

Of course they are.

What kind of madhouse is this?!

Hi. Good to see you.

Nice day, isn't it.

What are you working on?

Working?

We've heard a lot about you.

I'll bet you're inventing
something pretty special.

Uh... yeah.

I'm... I'm working on
a, uh... a barbecue.

An underwater barbecue.

So when you're scuba diving...

Wow! You are good!

I just want to see
if it can be done.

I'm sure the marketing
department will try to kill it.

Marketing department?

I'm not sure we've got one.

Who decides what
products to make?

Who tells you your ideas

are idiotic wastes of time
that aren't commercial?

Doesn't anyone
step on your dreams?

Are you feeling okay?

Yes, I'm fine.

I just didn't know how
a company can exist

without a marketing department.

Hey, what's wrong, guys?

The new guy has an idea

to start a marketing department.

No, not at all. I
was just saying

I've never heard of a
company without a...

Hello, Dilbert.

I'm the vice-president in charge

of immediately
implementing ideas

that may adversely
affect the company.

Now, this idea of yours

for a marketing department
sounds a bit risky

but here at Nirvana Company

we pride ourselves
on our willingness

to explore new directions.

Until now, it's
worked out great.

I only hope this isn't the one
time I'm calamitously wrong.

Well, good day.

Uh-oh.

Here's that marketing
department you've been

So enthusiastic about, Dilbert.

I wouldn't say I
was enthusiastic...

Their first recommendation

is we gear up full-speed ahead

to market the
underwater barbecue.

What?!

Now, first of all,
congratulations.

We love this.

Just a couple of thoughts.

One: does it have
to be underwater?

And two: does it have
to be a barbecue?

Isn't that the whole point?

Is it?

We need to lose
the underwater part.

And the barbecue part.

It goes. 86 it.

But then how do you
barbecue underwater?

Sorry. We couldn't hear you.

Your comments were drowned
out by a loud shriek from next door.

Next, we're afraid when
it comes out of the box

it will make a squeaking sound.

You mean from the
Styrofoam packing material?

It's a loser noise.

That sound tested extremely low.

Are you trying
this marketing thing

anywhere else in the
company? Or just here?

All over.

It's spreading like a virus.

I gotta go.

"Nirvana Company, the
world's greatest company

"filed for bankruptcy today.

"inexplicable venture...

"underwater cooking...

"headquarters
destroyed in blaze...

"Nirvana company
stock fell 180 points

"to negative 20 and an eighth.

"the company holds

A single engineer responsible."

Well, congratulations.

For what? Destroying
a 90-year-old company?

You're now well-known
in your industry.

Fame is more important
than competence.

Are you saying I'm more
employable as a famous screwup

than I was as a
competent nobody?

That's how it works.

I don't see how.

There's some things
you're not meant to know.

Well, uh... Dilbert...

I see that

your qualifications
are impeccable.

And even though I myself,
or someone very much like me

fired you for divulging
company secrets

I see that you are now a
well-known industry figure.

Can I have my old cubicle back?

I guess so.

Yes!

You have entered a
No-merriment Zone.

Discontinue your
job satisfaction now.

Ah... home.

I'll introduce you around.

You'll like Wally.

He's almost completely bald.

Sure.

I was wondering...

Hmm?

Seeing as the main
competition has gone belly-up

are these security
precautions still necessary?

You know, you're right.

I can never remember
the passwords anyway.

Attention,
employees, attention...

As of this moment

All security procedures
are suspended.

Please return to
your normal state

of semi-comatose clock-watching.

Oh, thank God.

Finally.

No!

Oh, well, back to work.