Dilbert (1999–2000): Season 1, Episode 1 - The Name - full transcript
When Dilbert wakes up after another night of having the egg dream, he discovers he isn't the only one to have had the dream. His fellow employees tell him about The Chicken Man, a guy who ...
I thought you were
gonna wake me at 6:30.
I also said women like men
who are shaped like potatoes.
Can you find the pattern here?
I had the egg dream again.
"I, I, I."
What do you think
an egg dream means?
Mmm, probably an omen.
A good omen? How many good omens
involve things that come
out of a chicken's butt?
There only has to be one.
Hey, that's my bathroom.
I didn't know you had your
own toothbrush, Ratbert.
Why would I need
my own toothbrush?
Good morning, shower.
Good morning, Dilbert.
Don't you do enough
engineering at work?
Work is just meetings.
This is engineering.
If this works, someday all
showers will be voice-activated.
Is it that hard to
turn the knobs?
It's not that it's hard.
It's unnecessary.
99, please.
99.
400.
Heh-heh. Nice try.
But the shower is calibrated
to respond to my voice only.
You think of everything.
I'm cautious.
That's why you had
training wheels on your bike
until your were 17.
I was 14!
14.
99! 99! 99!
Don't do that!
Where'd you get
the voice for that?
It sounds like the computer
from that stupid movie...
What was it?
Something, something,
A Space Odyssey?
It wasn't something,
something, A Space Odyssey.
It was 2001: A Space...
On the plus side,
you look very clean.
Ooh, ah, oh, chee!
Ooh, ah, oh, chee!
Ooh, ah, oh, chee!
Ooh, ah, oh, chee!
Ooh, ah, oh, chee!
Ooh, ah, oh, chee!
Are we sticking with our
ban on useless greetings?
Yes. Yes.
Just checking.
Wally.
Yes? Push the button.
Why? Just because
I'm standing near them?!
Yes.
I pushed the button yesterday.
Wally, do what Alice says.
Now why should I do... Ow!
I had the egg dream
again last night.
I've often said there's
nothing more interesting
than hearing about
someone's dream.
Eggs... you're not the first
engineer to have that dream.
You, too?
No, I'm sane.
Old Jack Cooper had that dream.
Right before he turned into...
The Chicken Man.
It's impossible to
turn into a chicken.
A chicken, yes.
But chicken man...
That can happen.
What happened to Jack Cooper?
He was an engineer.
Much like you.
Until they put him
in charge of a project.
The frustration
started building up.
He started having the egg dream.
He'd stand up during
meetings all agitated
And he'd wave his arms
around like a chicken.
What project was he working on?
That's the thing.
No one could agree
on the project name.
That's what got him.
What happened?
I think he's with the circus.
Poor clucker.
Thank you for calling.
Please dial your password
and press "pound."
You have... 937 messages
All of which are
marked "Urgent."
First urgent message:
This is Ted.
I'm just calling to tell you
I sent you some e-mail.
Well, that's all.
Ugh.
All messages deleted.
Jeez, the network is slow today.
Too slow.
Oh, no.
Is it...?
Yes.
Nothing but resumes.
People are bailing out.
There must be a problem
with our new flagship product.
Ah, the herbal throat lozenges?
I told them at the
rollout meeting
that anthrax was a
bacteria, not an herb.
No, you didn't.
I was thinking it pretty hard.
Ooh, some poor
marketing executive
will have to take
the fall for this one.
Bob, you made quite a mess
with the herbal
lozenges product line.
Don't believe
everything you read
in all the major news outlets.
Try one.
Mmm, worth a shot.
Bob, you're like a son to me.
You don't have a son.
That's where I'm headed here.
Ooh.
Now, this isn't
easy for either of us.
But I have to ask you
to take your huge
executive severance package
and go find a higher-paying
job at another company.
This is barbaric!
I've given my soul
to this company.
I've heard a rumor!
Shh! Shh! Ow, ow, ow!
I'm sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
I've heard a rumor our lozenges
product wiped out a town!
I can't believe it!
Those lozenges were
made of natural ingredients!
We can see the devastation.
But how does this make you feel?
My throat is moist.
And the raspiness is gone.
Back to you.
He's always late.
What's he doing that's
more important than us?
Wuh-oh.
Drawer's almost full.
I'll need a new desk.
Hey, Alice.
Looky!
So what's life like
in your village, Tong Nee?
And tell me everything.
I'm not paying for the call.
Well, troops, I
assume you've all
been informed about the
problems with our flagship product.
What? Not me.
There's no point in
killing a dead horse.
You mean there's no point
in beating a dead horse.
Why would anyone
beat a dead horse?
Why would anyone
kill a dead horse?
Maybe it'd kick you.
It's dead!
And so is every customer
who used our flagship product.
Now...
We have a warehouse
filled with lethal lozenges
we are currently converting
for usage in ancillary markets.
Buttons...
Coinage...
Teddy bear eyes.
The point is, we all
must embrace change.
No, that is very bad.
We don't like that.
Well, we have to make
up for the revenue shortfall
and there are only
two ways to do that:
Create a new product
or make massive,
painful budget cuts.
Let's make a new product!
That is exactly my plan.
Ooh, I love a plan.
Excellent plan.
Phase one:
We need a name for the product.
Uh... that's actually
the last step.
You've got the
transparencies out of order.
He doesn't like being corrected.
Now he must do
something terrible to you.
Something to
teach us all a lesson.
Dilbert...
I'd like you to take
the lead on this project.
Step one: the name.
The name is the
last thing you do.
Oh, use some common sense, son.
If you don't know
something's name
how do you know what to build?
Focus groups. Market research.
Detailed user specifications.
And the na-a-a-me.
Do you think the guy who
invented the mousepad
started with the name?
What's a mousepad?
Feminine protection for mice.
Oop!
If we don't know
what the product is
we'll never agree on its name.
We'll have meeting after
meeting after meeting.
Everyone will want to have input
Because input is much
easier than doing real work.
The only way we'll ever get
that many people
to agree is... luck!
Luck, luck, luck.
Oh, that's not a good sign.
I am not the Chicken Man.
I'll get you a name.
Anyway, it's better than
massive, painful budget cuts.
Actually, we're doing that too.
It's being
announced... right now.
I got your budget
cuts right here.
We expect some looting.
Maybe you people can just
sit here while this happens!
But not me!
How hard can it be
to name a product?
That Jack Cooper just
didn't have what it takes.
That happens to be the
best way to stomp out a fire.
Dilbert... help.
I've been shot.
I've been shot. I've been shot.
I have a few problems
of my own, you know.
Yeah, I heard about
the name thing.
That's a drag.
I'm okay.
Everything's okay.
Things could be worse.
Oh, my...
God!
Why don't you call your
product the Vectralux 9000?
Why would I call it that?
I'm just trying to help.
I know it's hard for you
to come up with a name
what with your
poor verbal skills.
There's nothing wrong
with my verbal skills.
It only seems that way
because my math
skills are so high.
There's no reason to get
all nuswartic about this.
He's more pultaceous
than nuswartic.
Whatever that means... I am not.
There, there.
I know what you're doing.
Your Scrabble mind
games will not work on me.
It's all very muldipulous
if you ask me.
Mm-hmm.
Uh-oh...
Why don't you call your product
The Gruntmaster 6000?
What kind of product do you see
when you imagine
a Gruntmaster 6000?
Well, it's a
stripped-down version
of the Gruntmaster
9000, of course.
But it's software-upgradeable.
Can we just play?
All right then, standard
Scrabble rules apply.
No kicking, biting or slapping.
No projectiles of any kind.
Name-calling?
Only on your own turn.
"It."
Give me four big
ones, you wrinkled toad.
Yes! Yes!
It? that's not a word.
I challenge.
You challenge "it?"
Give me the dictionary.
What kind of stupid
dictionary is this?
Wibster's?
I think it's the one
your company makes.
That would explain it.
Explain "it"?
What's an "it"?
"Quixotic."
That's triple word score
Plus 50 for using all
seven letters... Q and the X.
That's...
152 stinking,
totally lucky points.
Whoa!
Whoo! Whoo!
Yes! In your face, math boy.
I am so tired of
seeing that dance.
"Quizzing."
That's 188.
I'm pretty sure
Scrabble only has one Z.
That's the kind of thinking
that allowed you to lose
400 games in a row.
Thank you all for coming.
Especially those of
you who weren't invited
and have no reason to be here.
Sure, no big deal.
No problem. Whatever.
To save time, I've
hired a consultant
to help us find a name
for our next product.
He doesn't look like any
consultant I've ever seen!
Recommendation...
Downsize the loud guy.
I take it back!
Anyone else want a piece of me?
As you probably know,
all the good product names
have been trademarked
by companies who are competent.
Competent?
How are we going
to compete with that?
There's still
plenty of names left
in the area of Greek
mythology, bodily secretions,
diseases and everything
involving intestines.
I like all of those things.
Remember, the first
rule of brainstorming
is to openly mock
the opinions of others.
I thought it was the
other way around.
Swift.
Let's start with you
accounting guys.
Walter's good at
this creative stuff.
He just named his baby.
How is Walter Jr.?
She's fine. Thanks for asking.
Well, that was a dry hole.
Do we have anyone
here from Marketing?
Lie to me!
Our next upgrade
will solve the problem.
Uh-huh-hoo!
I like the sound of it
but how do you
spell "uh-huh-hoo"?
Walter has a name
for the product.
How about... Ford?
Hmm, that seems to be taken
by the Ford Motor Company!
Maybe Ford will sell the name.
Everyone has a price.
You're not allowed
to talk anymore.
How about something
from the disease category?
They can't all be that bad.
How about seborrhea?
I like the sound of it.
Seborrhea...
Seborrrrrrhea.
That's not a disease.
It's a condition.
It doesn't have to be a disease.
Let's stay focused.
Diseases, secretions, Greeks.
How about Sisyphus?
The guy who pushed a
rock up a hill for eternity?
That fits this project.
Hmm, I like it.
It conveys a sense
of playfulness.
It's supposed to
convey a sense of futility.
You have to look at it
from the rock's point of view.
How about toe fungus?
That's a disease.
Cellulite...
cellula... cellulex.
And when you take your sock off
and you can still see
the indent on your ankle
Is that called anything?
That's it! I can't
take it anymore!
I will not turn into
the Chicken Man.
Pick a name, any name.
Here...
Acorn.
Acorn, okay? That's the name.
I know it's taken
but it's just a little
mom-and-pop dry cleaners.
We can buy their name.
Okay then, buy it.
We'll present it to
my boss next week.
I feel the curse of the
Chicken Man lifting already.
Now all you need
is a second name
to present at the same time...
A really bad name.
Why do we need a second?
It's a decoy.
Always give your
boss two choices.
One to reject, one to approve.
It creates the
illusion of leadership.
You always bring me two choices.
For you, both choices
are always real.
Oh...
All right, we need a decoy name
that's plausible,
yet frighteningly bad.
Hmm, how about salmonella
in honor of rooster boy here?
Can I speak with the owner?
Why?
So you can make
false accusations
about us wearing customers'
clothing to sporting events?
I defy you to prove it. No, I...
You don't scare me,
you potato-shaped bully.
You four-eyed,
tall-foreheaded, short-pants man.
I'm not here to complain.
Oh, well, we're not French.
Why do you talk...
Because we're rude.
It just sounds better
with a French accent.
So, what do you want?
My company would like to
buy the name Acorn. We'll pay...
Never! Acorn was our
only son's nickname.
It is not for sale as long
as this store still stands.
I need that name.
Leave the premises now
or I will be forced to call
the strip mall security guard
who, although old and feeble
will whip you and
beat you without mercy
until you sing campfire
songs in the voice of a little girl.
Thanks for all your help.
The Acorn Dry Cleaners
won't last forever.
Just let nature take its course.
Nature? How long will that take?
Hmm, not long.
I'm part of nature.
Would you like to
try a vibrating chair?
Get out of my way, you pervert.
Will you be sitting
down in any of these?
No, I'm going to run for it
and you might
want to do the same.
Sweet mother of God!
Remind me to never
negotiate with you.
Ah, am I late?
Right on time, sir.
Oh, in that case, I've got
time to make some phone calls.
That is so rude.
Am I late now?
Yes, but it's not because
you're an inconsiderate dolt.
It's because you're
more important than us.
All right, so, what
do you have for me?
We need your approval
for the name...
Wait.
The smell of fresh ficus...
It transports me
back to my youth.
Summers in the
Catskill Mountains.
Settle in. This
could be a long one.
Ah... we'd all go to Turtle Pond
to swim and laugh
and play games
amongst the wild ficus.
One day
tragedy struck.
A turtle made off
with my trunks.
I stayed in the water
as long as I could
but the water was cold.
Soon...
A crowd formed.
They gave me a
nickname on the spot...
One that still haunts me.
Acorn.
My awful, non-French parents
even named their dry
cleaning store Acorn.
But that's all in the past.
What do you have for me?
We just need your approval
on our next product name.
Salmonella.
Salmonella?
I like it.
What?
Nothing. No.
What's my other choice?
People usually
give me two choices.
Ah... Seborrhea.
Isn't that a disease?
It's a condition.
I like the first one.
By this time next year
I want every
person in the country
to be driving a Salmonella.
It's not necessarily a car.
It's not?
Then why are we
giving it a car name?
What else do you have?
How about The Gruntmaster?
The Gruntmaster.
I don't know. It's
missing something.
Gruntmaster... 6000.
That's it.
Less features than
the Gruntmaster 9000
but just as fun.
Good work, Dilbert.
Wait.
Do I detect the faint
odor of chicken?
Did you come up with a
name for your product?
It's a long story.
Gruntmaster 6000.
Really?
That doesn't sound
like a long story.
It is a long story.
I made a suggestion,
you took it.
Not so long.
There was a lot more.
We had meetings
and pre-meetings and...
a dancing acorn...
Burned a strip mall
and I almost turned
into a chicken.
And then you used
my suggestion...
Gruntmaster 6000.
Whose turn is it?
You know what I must
do now, don't you?
Oh, no. Please, don't.
gonna wake me at 6:30.
I also said women like men
who are shaped like potatoes.
Can you find the pattern here?
I had the egg dream again.
"I, I, I."
What do you think
an egg dream means?
Mmm, probably an omen.
A good omen? How many good omens
involve things that come
out of a chicken's butt?
There only has to be one.
Hey, that's my bathroom.
I didn't know you had your
own toothbrush, Ratbert.
Why would I need
my own toothbrush?
Good morning, shower.
Good morning, Dilbert.
Don't you do enough
engineering at work?
Work is just meetings.
This is engineering.
If this works, someday all
showers will be voice-activated.
Is it that hard to
turn the knobs?
It's not that it's hard.
It's unnecessary.
99, please.
99.
400.
Heh-heh. Nice try.
But the shower is calibrated
to respond to my voice only.
You think of everything.
I'm cautious.
That's why you had
training wheels on your bike
until your were 17.
I was 14!
14.
99! 99! 99!
Don't do that!
Where'd you get
the voice for that?
It sounds like the computer
from that stupid movie...
What was it?
Something, something,
A Space Odyssey?
It wasn't something,
something, A Space Odyssey.
It was 2001: A Space...
On the plus side,
you look very clean.
Ooh, ah, oh, chee!
Ooh, ah, oh, chee!
Ooh, ah, oh, chee!
Ooh, ah, oh, chee!
Ooh, ah, oh, chee!
Ooh, ah, oh, chee!
Are we sticking with our
ban on useless greetings?
Yes. Yes.
Just checking.
Wally.
Yes? Push the button.
Why? Just because
I'm standing near them?!
Yes.
I pushed the button yesterday.
Wally, do what Alice says.
Now why should I do... Ow!
I had the egg dream
again last night.
I've often said there's
nothing more interesting
than hearing about
someone's dream.
Eggs... you're not the first
engineer to have that dream.
You, too?
No, I'm sane.
Old Jack Cooper had that dream.
Right before he turned into...
The Chicken Man.
It's impossible to
turn into a chicken.
A chicken, yes.
But chicken man...
That can happen.
What happened to Jack Cooper?
He was an engineer.
Much like you.
Until they put him
in charge of a project.
The frustration
started building up.
He started having the egg dream.
He'd stand up during
meetings all agitated
And he'd wave his arms
around like a chicken.
What project was he working on?
That's the thing.
No one could agree
on the project name.
That's what got him.
What happened?
I think he's with the circus.
Poor clucker.
Thank you for calling.
Please dial your password
and press "pound."
You have... 937 messages
All of which are
marked "Urgent."
First urgent message:
This is Ted.
I'm just calling to tell you
I sent you some e-mail.
Well, that's all.
Ugh.
All messages deleted.
Jeez, the network is slow today.
Too slow.
Oh, no.
Is it...?
Yes.
Nothing but resumes.
People are bailing out.
There must be a problem
with our new flagship product.
Ah, the herbal throat lozenges?
I told them at the
rollout meeting
that anthrax was a
bacteria, not an herb.
No, you didn't.
I was thinking it pretty hard.
Ooh, some poor
marketing executive
will have to take
the fall for this one.
Bob, you made quite a mess
with the herbal
lozenges product line.
Don't believe
everything you read
in all the major news outlets.
Try one.
Mmm, worth a shot.
Bob, you're like a son to me.
You don't have a son.
That's where I'm headed here.
Ooh.
Now, this isn't
easy for either of us.
But I have to ask you
to take your huge
executive severance package
and go find a higher-paying
job at another company.
This is barbaric!
I've given my soul
to this company.
I've heard a rumor!
Shh! Shh! Ow, ow, ow!
I'm sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
I've heard a rumor our lozenges
product wiped out a town!
I can't believe it!
Those lozenges were
made of natural ingredients!
We can see the devastation.
But how does this make you feel?
My throat is moist.
And the raspiness is gone.
Back to you.
He's always late.
What's he doing that's
more important than us?
Wuh-oh.
Drawer's almost full.
I'll need a new desk.
Hey, Alice.
Looky!
So what's life like
in your village, Tong Nee?
And tell me everything.
I'm not paying for the call.
Well, troops, I
assume you've all
been informed about the
problems with our flagship product.
What? Not me.
There's no point in
killing a dead horse.
You mean there's no point
in beating a dead horse.
Why would anyone
beat a dead horse?
Why would anyone
kill a dead horse?
Maybe it'd kick you.
It's dead!
And so is every customer
who used our flagship product.
Now...
We have a warehouse
filled with lethal lozenges
we are currently converting
for usage in ancillary markets.
Buttons...
Coinage...
Teddy bear eyes.
The point is, we all
must embrace change.
No, that is very bad.
We don't like that.
Well, we have to make
up for the revenue shortfall
and there are only
two ways to do that:
Create a new product
or make massive,
painful budget cuts.
Let's make a new product!
That is exactly my plan.
Ooh, I love a plan.
Excellent plan.
Phase one:
We need a name for the product.
Uh... that's actually
the last step.
You've got the
transparencies out of order.
He doesn't like being corrected.
Now he must do
something terrible to you.
Something to
teach us all a lesson.
Dilbert...
I'd like you to take
the lead on this project.
Step one: the name.
The name is the
last thing you do.
Oh, use some common sense, son.
If you don't know
something's name
how do you know what to build?
Focus groups. Market research.
Detailed user specifications.
And the na-a-a-me.
Do you think the guy who
invented the mousepad
started with the name?
What's a mousepad?
Feminine protection for mice.
Oop!
If we don't know
what the product is
we'll never agree on its name.
We'll have meeting after
meeting after meeting.
Everyone will want to have input
Because input is much
easier than doing real work.
The only way we'll ever get
that many people
to agree is... luck!
Luck, luck, luck.
Oh, that's not a good sign.
I am not the Chicken Man.
I'll get you a name.
Anyway, it's better than
massive, painful budget cuts.
Actually, we're doing that too.
It's being
announced... right now.
I got your budget
cuts right here.
We expect some looting.
Maybe you people can just
sit here while this happens!
But not me!
How hard can it be
to name a product?
That Jack Cooper just
didn't have what it takes.
That happens to be the
best way to stomp out a fire.
Dilbert... help.
I've been shot.
I've been shot. I've been shot.
I have a few problems
of my own, you know.
Yeah, I heard about
the name thing.
That's a drag.
I'm okay.
Everything's okay.
Things could be worse.
Oh, my...
God!
Why don't you call your
product the Vectralux 9000?
Why would I call it that?
I'm just trying to help.
I know it's hard for you
to come up with a name
what with your
poor verbal skills.
There's nothing wrong
with my verbal skills.
It only seems that way
because my math
skills are so high.
There's no reason to get
all nuswartic about this.
He's more pultaceous
than nuswartic.
Whatever that means... I am not.
There, there.
I know what you're doing.
Your Scrabble mind
games will not work on me.
It's all very muldipulous
if you ask me.
Mm-hmm.
Uh-oh...
Why don't you call your product
The Gruntmaster 6000?
What kind of product do you see
when you imagine
a Gruntmaster 6000?
Well, it's a
stripped-down version
of the Gruntmaster
9000, of course.
But it's software-upgradeable.
Can we just play?
All right then, standard
Scrabble rules apply.
No kicking, biting or slapping.
No projectiles of any kind.
Name-calling?
Only on your own turn.
"It."
Give me four big
ones, you wrinkled toad.
Yes! Yes!
It? that's not a word.
I challenge.
You challenge "it?"
Give me the dictionary.
What kind of stupid
dictionary is this?
Wibster's?
I think it's the one
your company makes.
That would explain it.
Explain "it"?
What's an "it"?
"Quixotic."
That's triple word score
Plus 50 for using all
seven letters... Q and the X.
That's...
152 stinking,
totally lucky points.
Whoa!
Whoo! Whoo!
Yes! In your face, math boy.
I am so tired of
seeing that dance.
"Quizzing."
That's 188.
I'm pretty sure
Scrabble only has one Z.
That's the kind of thinking
that allowed you to lose
400 games in a row.
Thank you all for coming.
Especially those of
you who weren't invited
and have no reason to be here.
Sure, no big deal.
No problem. Whatever.
To save time, I've
hired a consultant
to help us find a name
for our next product.
He doesn't look like any
consultant I've ever seen!
Recommendation...
Downsize the loud guy.
I take it back!
Anyone else want a piece of me?
As you probably know,
all the good product names
have been trademarked
by companies who are competent.
Competent?
How are we going
to compete with that?
There's still
plenty of names left
in the area of Greek
mythology, bodily secretions,
diseases and everything
involving intestines.
I like all of those things.
Remember, the first
rule of brainstorming
is to openly mock
the opinions of others.
I thought it was the
other way around.
Swift.
Let's start with you
accounting guys.
Walter's good at
this creative stuff.
He just named his baby.
How is Walter Jr.?
She's fine. Thanks for asking.
Well, that was a dry hole.
Do we have anyone
here from Marketing?
Lie to me!
Our next upgrade
will solve the problem.
Uh-huh-hoo!
I like the sound of it
but how do you
spell "uh-huh-hoo"?
Walter has a name
for the product.
How about... Ford?
Hmm, that seems to be taken
by the Ford Motor Company!
Maybe Ford will sell the name.
Everyone has a price.
You're not allowed
to talk anymore.
How about something
from the disease category?
They can't all be that bad.
How about seborrhea?
I like the sound of it.
Seborrhea...
Seborrrrrrhea.
That's not a disease.
It's a condition.
It doesn't have to be a disease.
Let's stay focused.
Diseases, secretions, Greeks.
How about Sisyphus?
The guy who pushed a
rock up a hill for eternity?
That fits this project.
Hmm, I like it.
It conveys a sense
of playfulness.
It's supposed to
convey a sense of futility.
You have to look at it
from the rock's point of view.
How about toe fungus?
That's a disease.
Cellulite...
cellula... cellulex.
And when you take your sock off
and you can still see
the indent on your ankle
Is that called anything?
That's it! I can't
take it anymore!
I will not turn into
the Chicken Man.
Pick a name, any name.
Here...
Acorn.
Acorn, okay? That's the name.
I know it's taken
but it's just a little
mom-and-pop dry cleaners.
We can buy their name.
Okay then, buy it.
We'll present it to
my boss next week.
I feel the curse of the
Chicken Man lifting already.
Now all you need
is a second name
to present at the same time...
A really bad name.
Why do we need a second?
It's a decoy.
Always give your
boss two choices.
One to reject, one to approve.
It creates the
illusion of leadership.
You always bring me two choices.
For you, both choices
are always real.
Oh...
All right, we need a decoy name
that's plausible,
yet frighteningly bad.
Hmm, how about salmonella
in honor of rooster boy here?
Can I speak with the owner?
Why?
So you can make
false accusations
about us wearing customers'
clothing to sporting events?
I defy you to prove it. No, I...
You don't scare me,
you potato-shaped bully.
You four-eyed,
tall-foreheaded, short-pants man.
I'm not here to complain.
Oh, well, we're not French.
Why do you talk...
Because we're rude.
It just sounds better
with a French accent.
So, what do you want?
My company would like to
buy the name Acorn. We'll pay...
Never! Acorn was our
only son's nickname.
It is not for sale as long
as this store still stands.
I need that name.
Leave the premises now
or I will be forced to call
the strip mall security guard
who, although old and feeble
will whip you and
beat you without mercy
until you sing campfire
songs in the voice of a little girl.
Thanks for all your help.
The Acorn Dry Cleaners
won't last forever.
Just let nature take its course.
Nature? How long will that take?
Hmm, not long.
I'm part of nature.
Would you like to
try a vibrating chair?
Get out of my way, you pervert.
Will you be sitting
down in any of these?
No, I'm going to run for it
and you might
want to do the same.
Sweet mother of God!
Remind me to never
negotiate with you.
Ah, am I late?
Right on time, sir.
Oh, in that case, I've got
time to make some phone calls.
That is so rude.
Am I late now?
Yes, but it's not because
you're an inconsiderate dolt.
It's because you're
more important than us.
All right, so, what
do you have for me?
We need your approval
for the name...
Wait.
The smell of fresh ficus...
It transports me
back to my youth.
Summers in the
Catskill Mountains.
Settle in. This
could be a long one.
Ah... we'd all go to Turtle Pond
to swim and laugh
and play games
amongst the wild ficus.
One day
tragedy struck.
A turtle made off
with my trunks.
I stayed in the water
as long as I could
but the water was cold.
Soon...
A crowd formed.
They gave me a
nickname on the spot...
One that still haunts me.
Acorn.
My awful, non-French parents
even named their dry
cleaning store Acorn.
But that's all in the past.
What do you have for me?
We just need your approval
on our next product name.
Salmonella.
Salmonella?
I like it.
What?
Nothing. No.
What's my other choice?
People usually
give me two choices.
Ah... Seborrhea.
Isn't that a disease?
It's a condition.
I like the first one.
By this time next year
I want every
person in the country
to be driving a Salmonella.
It's not necessarily a car.
It's not?
Then why are we
giving it a car name?
What else do you have?
How about The Gruntmaster?
The Gruntmaster.
I don't know. It's
missing something.
Gruntmaster... 6000.
That's it.
Less features than
the Gruntmaster 9000
but just as fun.
Good work, Dilbert.
Wait.
Do I detect the faint
odor of chicken?
Did you come up with a
name for your product?
It's a long story.
Gruntmaster 6000.
Really?
That doesn't sound
like a long story.
It is a long story.
I made a suggestion,
you took it.
Not so long.
There was a lot more.
We had meetings
and pre-meetings and...
a dancing acorn...
Burned a strip mall
and I almost turned
into a chicken.
And then you used
my suggestion...
Gruntmaster 6000.
Whose turn is it?
You know what I must
do now, don't you?
Oh, no. Please, don't.