Dilbert (1999–2000): Season 1, Episode 10 - Y2K - full transcript

Hmm... hmm.

Huh. According to my
perpetual calendar program

June 30 in the year
2014 will be a Thursday.

Did you know that?

If I say yes, will you not talk?

No. This is kind of interesting.

Guess what day of the week

is the first day
of the year 2222.

Two-sday?

No, but that would've
been good, too.

More importantly, which
is better, Paris or Rome?



Better?

Paris.

Which is better,
Prague or Budapest?

Why does it matter
which is better?

Prague.

Which is better...

What're you doing?

I have to RSVP to
my millennium parties.

Millennium parties?

Yes.

Which is better, Hong
Kong or Singapore?

Wait a minute.

Maybe my invitations
have been lost in the mail.

Oh, who cares?



I never liked New
Year's Eve anyway

And this one's no different.

Except that everyone
on earth will be

celebrating the end
of the millennium.

Well... everyone except you.

I don't care!

I will not be pressured
into having fun

just because we arbitrarily
use a base ten counting system

and a big round
number is coming up.

If I'm going to have fun,
I want a good reason.

Well said... so, which is better

Lisbon or Istanbul?

Oh, come on. I can't
be the only person

Not getting invitations
to millennium parties.

Which is better

Tokyo or Munich?

Do you guys have any party plans

for New Years Eve, 1999?

Oh, yeah, of course.

Only a total loser
would have no plans

for the biggest night
ever in our lifetime.

What are you doing, Dilbert?

Me?

I, uh...

I got plans.

I'm planning to link up

with my survivalist
militia group

and loot a National
Guard ammunitions dump.

Do you know something I don't?

Hello? The millennium bug?

When the date hits 2000,
all computers will malfunction

and the world will
plunge into chaos.

I don't want to be outgunned.

We won't a have a
year 2000 problem

in this company.

All of our computers are new.

Not all. You're
forgetting Black Betty.

Black Betty. That mainframe
was replaced years ago.

Black Betty.

Did you say Black Betty?

Boy... I haven't thought
about old Black Betty in ages...

Maybe never.

But she's real.

As real as the dwarf

who sneaks into
my bedroom at night

and steals my underwear.

About that mainframe...

Not now. I'm reminiscing.

Where was I?

Black Betty.

Yes, Black Betty the mainframe.

Boy, oh, boy.

We thought about
replacing her years ago

but then we thought

"Well, why not just
cobble our new systems

"to the old one with untold
miles of spaghetti code

and obsolete coax cable?"

Why'd you do that?!

It was an executive decision.

We figured it would save
money in the short run

and only later plunge
the company into darkness

after we executives had
all left for other companies.

But you're still here.

Brinksmanship... I live for it.

You know how sometimes
you're driving down the freeway

and you pull into the
oncoming lane intentionally

only to swerve away
at the last minute?

That was you? You
ran me off the road.

Stared destiny
right in the face.

You could've killed me.

Sorry.

Anyway, which is better,
Jakarta or Geneva?

We have to do something
about the millennium bug.

The millennium bug?

Are you telling me that
Han Solo's ship is here?

That's the Millennium Falcon.

I'm talking about the
year 2000 problem: Y2K.

Oh, yes, um...

T3G.

Pardon?

B9C.

"B9C"?

Look, if our computer
systems are all connected

to Black Betty, some
ancient mainframe...

Oh! Oh!

E4J. This is fun.

We're out of business
when the date changes.

You mean all the
technology is going to...

break?

Yes!

Is there any way this
"collapse of civilization" thing

could affect me, personally?

I think it might.

Okay, then.

You have my full
support to fix the problem.

Unless it involves
any sort of resources

or decisions or
effort on my part.

Remember: Money is no object.

Unless, of course,
you plan to spend it.

Me? Why is it up to me?

Because you brought it up.

You know the rules.

He who complains
is assigned to fix it.

That only applies
to little things.

This could be
the biggest project

in our company's history.

And I've never even seen
that Black Betty mainframe.

No one has, for years.

It's quite splendiferous.

You've seen it?

I helped install it.

Of course, that was years ago,

before the life force was
drained from my body

and I became a selfish
and apathetic shell of a man.

Then you can help.

I don't think you
were listening.

Besides, I don't even
remember back then.

You have to help, Wally.

The career of every
employee depends on it.

If our mainframe goes nuts,

we'll lose our payroll system.

Our pension database.
The personnel records.

It will be as if we never
even worked here.

For me, every day is like that.

You know what I mean.

If we go down, you're
going down with us.

Shh, shh...

Yes, I want the gold
card, the silver card

and the platinum card.

Are there any other heavy
metals that you make cards in?

Okay, then. Send them out.

Wally, what are you doing?

Welcoming in the millennium.

By ordering credit cards?

That's right.

I'm applying for
every credit card

I can get my hands on.

Then I'll take huge
cash advances

and wait for the millennium bug
to hose the banks' computers.

They'll never be
able to bill me.

You would have made
a great evil mastermind.

No, the hours are too long.

Alice, you got to help me

on this year 2000 project.

I need a team.

I would, but I don't have time.

I'm buried with work.

Maybe you should come with me

to see the director
of Human Resources.

He might have a
company-sponsored program

for time management.

Asok, we need your help

on the year 2000 project.

I'd like to help, but
I'm just an intern.

I have no experience with
computers made before the '90s.

Come with us to see

the director of Human Resources.

Maybe he knows of some

company-sponsored
training you can take.

Wally...

Shh, I'm securing
a home equity loan.

But you don't own a home.

I don't, but my good
friend Bob does.

Who's Bob?

I'm Bob. Oh.

Sheesh.

But Wally, you're our best hope.

You've got to help on
the year 2000 problem.

You were there.

You know where the date code is

on the old mainframe.

I don't remember any of it.

It was a long time ago.

Yes, I'm holding.

Come with us to see the
director of Human Resources.

Maybe he has some sort of
company-sponsored program

to regain lost memories.

Aaah!

Bob? Bob, are you there?

Hello, Bob?

Dogbert, I need you.

Meet me at work.

What do you want?

We came to see Mr. Catbert.

What for?

Well, I need 45 more people

to help me on the
year 2000 project.

I need more time.

I need experience.

I need a memory.

What about the dog?

I'm perfect, but
thanks for asking.

Mr. Catbert is busy. Go away!

We could shove Asok, the
intern, through the opening

and he can unlock the
door from the other side.

I could never
fit in that tiny...

Oh...

Note to self:

Get smarter troll to guard door.

We need your help. I can't help.

Why not? It's a company policy.

Aren't you the one who
makes the company policies?

Do I have a great job or what?

If you don't help us

we'll be stuck here

and we'll never be
able to go home.

Dilbert, you don't need me.

You have everything
you need right here.

Take Asok here.

He has no experience.

I am a blank slate.

But what he doesn't realize

is that cynicism is
almost the same thing

as experience.

It is?

Sure. Just try thinking
the worst about people

and you'll usually be right.

I feel wiser already.

And Alice.

You need more time.

But that's only because
you spend so much time

with your hair and
makeup in the morning.

That's a necessity.

Only in your mind.

You mean I'm beautiful
just the way I am?

No.

I mean it's a lost cause.

You should put that
time to better use.

What about Wally?

He needs a memory.

Wally doesn't
need a real memory.

I don't?

No. Recent court rulings

have proven false memory

is just as good
as the real thing.

Maybe better.

How do I get one of those?

Hypnosis will do the trick.

I have some books right here.

Let me see those.

You don't have these
on video, do you?

Okay, this is a start,

but I still need more bodies.

Don't you have a list of
surplused employees?

Well, I don't usually do this.

Do what? Be helpful.

But I do have a
list of employees

who have recently
been terminated.

How does that help?

They're still on the payroll

for two more weeks.

They're all described
in this binder.

The useless guy.

The useless guy
will take up space

and eat your doughnuts.

Sometimes he will clip
articles from publications

and leave them on your chair.

Ted, the generic guy.

He has no distinct
characteristics.

People who have
known him for years

can't describe him.

There may be more than
one Ted in the company.

No one really knows.

Zimbu, the monkey.

Smarter than the average simian.

Writes computer
code at record speed

thanks to his tail.

They aren't much,
but they'll have to do.

Can you regress
him to his earlier days

as an engineer,

when he helped
install the mainframe?

I'm not up to the
regression chapter yet.

What have you learned?

I can make him walk a
tightrope across a ravine.

Does it have to be a ravine?

Can it be any sort of chasm?

Sure. Ravine or
gulch... or chasm.

Orgasm... Huh?

Oops, I skipped a chapter.

Mom?

Mom?

In here, dear.

Push a little harder.

Get your shoulder into it.

Mom, what are you doing?

Stockpiling.

Stockpiling? Why?

Where have you been?

Haven't you heard about Y2K?

Heard of it?

I'm in charge of fixing the
bug for my whole company.

You are? God help them.

Thanks, Mom.

Maybe you should start hoarding

essential supplies
before it's too late.

Why are you hoarding
hair conditioner?

I had a coupon.

Mom, it would be a lot easier

to talk to you if
I could see you.

I'm not here.

I'm at the Warehouse
Shopping Club

with a moving van.

Am I so predictable
you can record

your side of the
conversation in advance?

Yes, you are so predictable

I can record my side of
the conversation in advance.

Put it back.

Excuse me.

I need to get out.

Get out? Nobody gets out.

Haven't you learned that by now?

I mean the driveway.

I know what you mean.

The question is, do you
know what you mean?

What do you mean?

You're concerned about Y2K.

You're afraid you won't be
able to solve the problem in time.

That you'll go down in history

as the goat of the
new millennium.

How do you know that?

It's written all over your face.

If you're so smart, what do I
do about the year 2000 problem?

Don't fight the problem.

Embrace it.

You are Y2K.

I am Y2K.

Are you just going to
keep repeating what I say?

Okay. Embrace it. Got it.

Finally.

Uh, excuse me.

I still need to get out.

They never listen.

This all looks pretty optional.

And then he says,

"Do you know what you mean?"

And I said... Fix it yet?

Not yet.

Okay.

As I was saying...

Cut it out!

I'm not doing anything!

Your tail is poking my face!

Your face is poking my tail!

Let's go around the table
and introduce ourselves.

We just did that.

Can anyone pay attention here?

Can I say something?

What?!

Nothing!

It's just been a while
since I said anything!

Now, Ted...

It seems to me you
might be able to...

Ted?

I was saying you
might be able to...

Ted, I...

Ted.

Ted!

Are you talking to me?

Yes!

My name's not Ted.

It's not?

Well, what is it?

Well, it's Ted...

but not the Ted
you're thinking of.

Hey, what did I tell you?

Come and get me!

Help! Help!

Get him off of me!

I cut out this article today.

I'll pass it around.

There it is. Black Betty.

That mainframe is tied

to every computer
system in this company.

And only Wally
knows its secrets.

This is the only control
port into Black Betty.

It hasn't been used for years.

There must be 10 million lines

of computer code in that thing.

And no written documentation.

Let's give up now and
form an agrarian society!

Don't panic yet.

If Dogbert can get Wally

to remember how we install this,

we'll know exactly where
to make the changes.

So our futures depend on Wally.

That's it! We're all farmers!

How's it going?

Any progress?

Moo...

Apparently, he was a
cow in a previous life.

Stop playing around.

We need him to remember
his days as a young engineer,

when he installed the
Black Betty mainframe.

You're stressed.

Have a glass of warm milk.

I am kind of thirsty.

Moo...

Blecch!

It's COBOL.

I learned about this in school.

You learned to program in COBOL?

No. I learned about
it in history class.

History, you say.

I'll see if I can find anything
about history in the literature.

Back... Back in time.
Back to the 1970s.

I am getting such a sunburn.

Whose idea was this
pyramid thing anyway?

Why don't we just cover
the pharaoh with sand?

He afraid we'll run out?

Now, this is more like it.

Hey, I'm on a break.

How did you get here?

Hey, who's the hypnotist?

Right.

A god has descended to earth!

Sorry, no autographs.

In retrospect, this was
a pretty great epoch.

All right, who wants to fan me?

Back...

Back in time...

To the 1970s...

A.D.

Remember yourself
as a young engineer.

I had hair.

You were full of
optimism and enthusiasm.

I cared about my job.

Morning.

Morning.

Morning.

Morning.

Morning.

Good morning.

That's the new whiz kid.

Ha!

Hotshot!

So much hope and energy.

He's got the world on a string.

Hey, Wally, how
about some coffee?

Uh, thanks but no thanks.

I don't want to miss any work.

Look at him go!

He's written an entire
customer database system

from scratch.

Why do we only use two
digits to store the dates?

It saves space.

Yeah, but in the year 2000

the programs won't work

because the computer
will think it's year zero-zero.

Zero-zero...

That Wally.

Oh, can you imagine?

We know

from the hypnotic regression

that Wally used to
be a great engineer.

Wow.

From great engineer to
doorstop in just a few short years.

Wally was a magnificent stallion

before he became a broken man.

You don't often hear the
words "Wally" and "stallion"

in the same sentence.

But he was a stallion once.

That's the point.

Don't you get it?

I get it!

No, I don't!

We've got to think like Wally.

No!

Young Wally.

Young Wally would have seen
this year 2000 problem coming.

He would've left
flags in the program

so he could find
the date code easily.

Probably some sort of keyword
in the program documentation.

If we figure out the keyword

we'll know exactly
where the problems are.

Wally, what is the keyword?

Keyword.

What is the keyword?

Keyword. No, no.

What is the keyword?

Keyword.

I think his keyword
was "keyword."

All right, I said
"smart," not "creative."

This old equipment
won't make it!

It has to. It's obsolete.

If it fries, we'll
never have a way

to reprogram the mainframe.

He's not going to make it!

He's not fast enough!

Step aside!

I see what he's doing.

You just need a faster typist.

Still no good!

He won't make it!

Use the tail, Zimbu. The tail!

Fix it yet?

Not yet!

Okay.

It's going to blow!

I feel so... soiled.

Even more than usual.

Oh, my God, have I been working?

Is it fixed yet?

We won't know until January 1st.

Why?

What significance
does January 1st have?

January 1st, 2000.

Apparently... you've been
too busy fooling around

to read the news.

The National Bureau of
Standards has decided to skip 2000.

The 21st century
won't officially start

till the year 2001.

You can't do that.

That's what they said
about daylight savings time.

No, they didn't.

Well, they should've.

My watch is off by an hour.

Sometimes it's
like that for months.

Maybe we should get hopping
on the year 3000 problem.

You know, nip it in the bud.

Good thinking, Alice.

You're in charge.

Hi, how are you?

What?

Nothing.

I'm here to withdraw the
maximum cash advances

from each of these credit cards.

Are you one of those guys
who thinks our computer records

will be wiped out
by the year 2000 bug

and you won't have
to pay us back?

And there's nothing
you can do about it.

Here you go.

You know, no matter
how many times I do that

it's always enjoyable.