Dilbert (1999–2000): Season 1, Episode 11 - Charity - full transcript

Dilbert is annoyed with the hypocrisy of his co-workers after they become interested in charity for all the wrong reasons.

Hey, I know you.

You live across the street.

Oh, yeah? What's my name?

Uh... I don't know.

Right, so let's just keep this

on a professional level.

Okay.

I'm selling overpriced cookies
that taste like Styrofoam.

How many cartons
should I put you down for?

Will my money go
to a good cause?

Well, what do you
consider a good cause?



Feeding the poor?

Our troop is taking a
trip to the Fashion Cafe.

It's in New York.

I know where it is.

Aren't both of your parents

successful attorneys?

Is that relevant to this
cookie transaction in any way?

Your family is rich.

Why should I pay
for your vacation?

My troop leader said

people are nice if you
give them a chance.

She said I would learn
from this experience.

No, no. It's okay. Don't cry.

It's so unfair.



First, your generation
pollutes the world

and plunders its
natural resources.

Now, this.

Okay, okay, just calm
down; I'll buy a box.

That'll be $80.

Eighty dollars? For cookies?

Okay, take my money.

Go visit the Fashion Cafe.

Maybe I'll buy a pony too.

Shouldn't you write down
my name or something?

I don't like to
leave a paper trail.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

What?

You buckled under
the pressure... wuss.

I helped a little girl learn

a valuable lesson about life.

I think you encouraged
her to pursue a life of crime.

No, I taught her by my example

that you don't need a
reason to help a neighbor.

It feels good to give.

Agh! That's ridiculous.

I'll bet you $20 it
doesn't feel good to give.

You are on, my cynical friend.

Okay. To settle the question

give me $40 and then
tell me if it feels good.

That wouldn't feel good.

Okay, then give me $20
because you lost the bet.

Did I just make a bet
that would cost me $20

whether I won or not?

Yes, but you also got to help

someone more
fortunate than yourself.

This year, I have
volunteered to chair

the Associated Way
charity drive for our county.

I think you all know why.

Is it because you
need another plaque

to cover a fly stain
on your office wall?

Yes, that, and something
about poor people.

I expect they'll send me
some details in the mail.

It's like you're a
saint or something!

No, Loud Howard, I'm no saint.

I just believe that people
should do their fair share

or in the case where one
of those people is the boss

other people
should do it for him.

This is even more
inspirational than last year.

Now, in keeping with tradition

three charity
coordinators will be chosen

from the list of our
most useless employees.

Wally.

Hey, top of the list
four years in a row.

Whoo-whoo.

A dead guy we found

in the stairwell,

and the chair he's sitting in

which we've named Ronald.

Mmm. Tough competition.

Congratulations. You
will each be assigned

an official Associated
Way uniform

and a donation container.

Cool.

Chicks dig a man in uniform.

Everybody who donates
will get one of these colorful

stylish "I Get to
Keep my Job" t-shirts.

Of course, participation is
completely 100% voluntary.

Any questions?

Yeah, what about the carnival?

The carnival.

Please, please!

Yes, yes, all right, youngsters.

Settle down.

We'll have the company
charity carnival, okay?

I hate that carnival.

All the money
raised at the carnival

is spent paying for the carnival

and it's based on the premise

of cheap thrills and cheating...

Hardly charitable concepts.

How dare you!

How dare you

denigrate the carnival!

Shh! Shh!

Dilbert, are you
criticizing the carnival?

I'm a god, and I
rarely admit that.

No, it's just that, uh...

Well, okay.

Exactly where does the money go?

Well, there's the poor,
who I keep going on about.

And, of course, the
plaques don't grow on trees.

Isn't the plaque made of wood?

So?

Then it does grow on a tree.

Why do you ask a question if
you already know the answer?

He's an arrogant bastard?

Now listen, punk.

If you think you can
reinvent the wheel...

The Ferris wheel, that
is... Then go right ahead...

Carnival chairman Dilbert.

Ha-harr!

What just happened?

So, Dilbert, how much
can I put you down for?

Here's 20 bucks.

Now leave me
alone until next year.

Ooh, $20. I'll see if they'll
name a hospital after you.

You don't even know
where the money goes.

I don't know where pudding
comes from, but I eat it.

That is such a bad analogy.

Thank you, Wally.

Now I can never
eat pudding again.

Well, it wouldn't hurt you
to cut down on the calories.

No matter what people say,
Alice, looks are important.

Alice, have you fulfilled
your obligation to society?

Yes. I signed up
for payroll deduction.

I like to give.

I'm morally superior to Dilbert.

That is so illogical.

As long as there are
starving people in the world

you can't have money in the
bank and still claim to be moral.

There is ample
precedent for my behavior.

It is completely
societally appropriate

to give only as much
as one can afford.

You just bought
six pairs of shoes

that look exactly the same.

That came out of my shoe budget.

Don't rock the boat, Dilbert.

It's a fragile system.

That shoe money could have
fed a poor family for a year.

What's so moral about
letting people starve to death

so that you can
have extra shoes?

Stop it. You're
ruining everything.

I mean, until you
give it all away

you're not more moral.

You just feel less guilty.

I don't agree. The
concept of morality

is contingent upon
the cultural context.

I mean, the
relative value of guilt

in a so-called free
society... I mean...

Altruistic inclinations
are dependent upon...

I mean...

Damn. You're right.

I hate that.

Hey, can you spare a few dollars

for the Disabled Veterans
of Retail Security?

You don't look disabled to me.

I've got prickly heat.

Ed's just kind of slow.

Which one of us is Ed?

You're on my turf, fellas.

Don't start with me!

You wouldn't be the first guy

in a monkey costume
that I've had to kill.

Can you settle this outside?

I'm collecting for the
Sisters of Perpetual Motion.

There's no such thing
as perpetual motion.

Not now, but if we collect
enough money, someday...

Who should I make that out to?

To the Society of
Guys With Large Bellies

Who Don't Have
Satellite Dishes Yet.

This will nearly triple our odds

of seeing naked
people who can't see us.

I don't know if I mentioned

that the cable viewer's
guide... that's extra.

Morning, gov'nor.

Would you help out a good
cause and buy a candy bar?

Only five dollars.

How do I know my money
won't be squandered

in administrative expenses
and never reach the...?

What was the cause again?

We're trying to find a
cure for canine apathy.

Canine apathy?

By any chance, is your
leader about two feet tall

round glasses and a tail?

Okay, urchins,

bring the money to the van.

You seem a little short.

No, sir. No, I would never...

Do I have to run a full
body-cavity search on you?

Good. And put more
dirt on your face.

Dogbert.

I don't believe we've gotten
a donation from you yet.

Uh-oh.

Chain reaction.

At least I'll get a few
minutes of peace.

Howdy there.

My name is Foster

from the organization of
Farmers Who Are Afraid of Cows.

Why don't they just change jobs?

How's a cow going to
change jobs, city boy?

Use your head.

Go away. Leave me alone.

Would you donate money

to Women Who Cut
Their Hair Too Short

and Don't Realize
How Bad It Looks?

Money for Mountain
Goats with Three Legs?

Hey! You're hiding
your leg. I can see it.

Hey, mind your
own business, buddy.

I'm not a man.

I heard there was a
charity frenzy in progress.

Did I miss anything?

Okay, here, here.

This is all I have.

Everyone just leave me alone.

Oh, Dilbert.

I'd like you to
pick up my plaque

at the Associated Way
banquet tomorrow night.

Tell them how grateful I am.

Do you think this could
have waited until later?

Don't mind me.

I'll just wait.

There I was in the NBA...

All-star forward
multi-millionaire.

Life was good until I
turned to drugs and alcohol.

Actually, that part
was pretty good too.

I love drugs and alcohol.

But I did get kicked off the
team and lost my entire fortune.

That's when the Associated
Way helped me out.

I got sober; I started
my own business.

Now I've got a beautiful wife

great kids, a mistress

a whole fleet of cars,
mansions on both coasts

and a Learjet, and best of all

I haven't paid
any taxes in years.

Thank you.

I think we've all learned a
valuable lesson about life.

And now, to accept
the appreciation award

on behalf of our
county coordinator

is one of his flunkies:

Dilbert.

On behalf of my boss

who didn't care
enough to be here

thank you for
this lovely plaque.

And if you don't mind
me saying so, what exactly

was the lesson
we're supposed to get

from this drugged-out
basketball player?

I mean, didn't he just teach us

that if you become a drug addict

your life will turn out fine?

It seems to me that this
whole charity concept

is nothing but an exercise
in redistribution of guilt.

I'm all for helping
the disadvantaged

but aren't most of your funds

going towards
administrative costs?

Wouldn't it be more effective

more cost-effective,
more impactful

if each of us just
helped one other person?

But I digress.

Thank you all for this
lovely plaque for my boss.

I'm sure you could
have fed a family of four

for what it cost to make it.

Dilbert's right. It's all guilt.

It was just an argument.

I wasn't trying to
change anyone's mind.

Too late, Gandhi.

You've killed
charitable giving forever.

Excuse me, sir. I...

I'm a woman, damn it!

Sorry.

Help!

It's over, man. Charity's dead!

That's it! Take this!

Here. Here's a donation.

Hey, what happened?

What happened?

Huh! Get this guy.

See, we're the cleaning crew...

The crew that cleans up?

I understand that.

Oh, do you, with
your college degree.

You know, we might
not be engineers

but there's a certain
science to what we do too.

Well, no, there's not.

But I'm not here to argue.

You've just discarded
all of Alice's possessions.

What, this junk?

Where she's going, she
ain't going to be needing it.

Where's she going?

The street.

The street?

But how's she going to live?

What about food,
clothing, shelter?

It's no problem.

It's not?

Nope. Not anymore.

Tell 'em!

Homeless Depot is the place

for all your homeless needs.

And at prices
that can't be beat.

Homeless Depot.

Now in two convenient locations:

Our original location
at 11233 Skid Row,

and visit our newest
Homeless Depot

at 475 1/2, that dangerous part

of that abandoned
waterfront area down there.

Okay, let's see.

Sweater...

A sock... old rags...

Carton of soggy
cigarette butts...

Those are on sale, right?

Do you have your
Homeless Depot card?

Of course.

That's another 20% off.

Alice.

What do you want, Dilbert?

You gave all your money away?

What choice did I have?

You convinced me
that it would be immoral

to hold on to it.

Hey, that is a
spiffy shopping cart.

You like it? I customized it.

Is that a motor?

Yeah, nine horsepower.

Wow.

Alice, I thought maybe
I could get the carnival

up and running again.

A carnival?

You mean, like, with rides?

Excuse me, do I know you?

I'm your neighbor.

I'm your friend.

I'm your relative.

I'm the one you won't
make eye contact with,

the one you're
afraid to say hello to.

So, in other words, no.

Nah.

We're here at the
Charity Carnival

The brainchild of
this man, Dilbert

Who, ironically, is the same man

whose popular, outspoken
cynicism about charity

has meant a death sentence
to thousands of needy people.

Was that a question?

There you have it.

In his own words,
he just doesn't care.

Wait. I know this one.

It's Ted.

Darn. How does he do it?

Next!

This booth is doing well.

Right this way!

See the freaks. One dollar.

Why not?

I can't get an outside line!

I can't even get an operator
to get me an outside line!

What does this button mean?!

I've never heard
that sound before!

It's not a busy signal.

It's more like a... a
beep-beep, beep-beep...

That's funny.

I could've sworn I put my
glasses down right here.

I was reading the paper
and then I got up... hmm.

Step right up...!

Step right up.

Knock a street urchin off a beam
with a baseball and win a toy.

Watch how easy it is to win.

Come on, folks.

Don't be shy.

Bean a street urchin
with a baseball.

They look innocent,

but you know they've done
something to deserve it.

What about you, sir?

That is disgusting.

You mean to say,

if I hit one of those
kids with a baseball

I could win some of this stuff?

That's the premise.

Isn't that my camera
and my binoculars

and my CD Player?

Tell you what I'll do.

You hit one kid in the
noggin with one baseball

and I'll give you all the prizes
close the booth and go home.

All the prizes?

Is there an echo in here?

All right, I'll take a shot.

Step right up.

Everybody plays.

Only I win.

Oh, that looks good.

How do they do that?

Hi! Hi!

Oh, something smells good.

Whoa.

I am just about partied out.

Oh, brother, I've
got to sit down.

Oh... oh, nobody's sitting here.

I'll just take a load off
till I get chased away.

♪ La, dee-da, la, dee-da ♪♪

Get a shot of the idiot
on the dunking tank.

Well, hi, everybody!

Oh, my God, they've
killed the boss!

There's no pulse!

Are you sure he had one before?

He's not breathing!

Do you know what this means?

What does it mean?

Three-day weekend, maybe more.

Somebody's going
to have to give him

mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Great.

Whoo!

Stop that.

Well, I'll be.

Who would've guessed it?

I've been date raped by Dilbert.

No, no, you were drowning.

I saved you.

So you didn't slip me a mickey

and have your way with me?

No.

Well, that's a first.

You're a hero now.

How does it feel?

Strangely good...

Except for the
smell of chili dogs

that I may never forget.

You saw it live...

One man, acting
against his own interests

to help his fellow man

nothing to gain
but the knowledge

that he helped another
human being in some small way.

What you have
witnessed is nothing less

than the complete rebirth
of the spirit of giving.

That's all... from here.

Yeah!

Way to go!

That was beautiful.

Okay, pack it up.

We got a cat stuck in
drainpipe across town.

If I'm not mistaken

you just performed
an act of charity...

without draining
your bank account.

Yeah... so...?

I believe I've made my point.

I just wanted to
hear you admit it.

That woman does not
like to lose an argument.

Huh.

Hmm...

Shoo.

All right, I'm not the
organic matter you think I am

despite anything you
hear from my employees.

I'm going to need
another plaque!