Dilbert (1999–2000): Season 1, Episode 9 - The Knack - full transcript

Dilbert loses "the knack" for engineering after he accidentally takes a sip from his manager's coffee cup.

We have a big problem here.

Drop everything you're
doing and solve it.

I'm going to be late for work.

Oh, this is far more
important than your career.

You always say that.

This time it's true.
The TV's not working.

I've been sitting here
for nearly a minute

without entertainment.

Change the battery
in the remote.

The one on the left.

"The one on the left"?



Well, that's just spooky.

Not really.

I have the knack.

The knack?

For technology.

My mom says I always have.

I'm worried
about little Dilbert.

He's not like other kids.

What do you mean?

Yesterday, I left him
alone for a minute

and he disassembled the
TV, our clock and the stereo.

That's perfectly normal.

Kids take things apart.

Ooh.



The part that worries me
is he used the components

to build a ham radio set.

Oh, dear.

Is that bad?

Normally, I'd want
to run an EEG on him,

but the machine isn't working.

It's worse than I feared.

What is it?

I'm afraid your son has...

the knack.

The knack?

The knack.

It's a rare condition

characterized by
an extreme intuition

about all things
mechanical and electrical...

and utter social ineptitude.

Can he lead a normal life?

No.

He'll be an engineer.

No!

There, there, don't
blame yourself.

Will it go away over time?

It might, but pray it doesn't.

If an engineer loses the knack,

the results can be devastating.

And in further news...

Thanks for filling in
for our regular doctor

on such short notice.

I was in the neighborhood.

Huh?

Waah!

Here.

I bought a Double-A yesterday

because I sensed this coming.

You're freaking me out.

I don't know why.

I told you, I have the knack.

The knack.

Oh... Oh... Oh, yes.

Good.

As you know, humanity
has pretty much destroyed

the ecological
balance of the planet.

It's not my fault!

I recycle!

No one's blaming
you, Loud Howard.

I blame him.

Why do you blame me?!

When you recycle your newspapers

do you iron out
the wrinkles first?

No!

Well, maybe you
should, planet killer.

All right, then, that's settled.

The point is...

the earth is polluted
beyond repair.

That leaves us one
viable business strategy.

We're going to
clean up the earth?

Oh, gee...

No.

I should say not.
Clean up the...

No, we're going to start
polluting outer space.

I didn't become an engineer

so I could pollute
the solar system.

Why did you become an engineer?

Isn't it obvious?

She picked the one profession

where she'd be surrounded

by sexy men all day.

So, tell me more

about this polluting-
of-space idea.

Oh, no, no, no.

Shh...

We won't be
calling it "polluting."

Negative connotation.

We prefer the
word "advertising."

I'm talking billboards in space.

No one can read a
billboard in space.

They can if we
make them really big.

Do you have any idea
how much that would cost?

$1000?

Maybe $50 billion.

Well, then, we'll just
have to amortize the costs.

Amortize the costs?

That doesn't even mean anything.

We'll find a way to get it done.

"Failure" isn't in
my vocabulary.

Neither is "amortize,"
apparently.

Here we go again.

You're drinking out of my cup.

You have drunk from
the cup of management.

Now you're infected!

What are you talking
about? That's ridiculous.

Soon, your technical
skills will evaporate

like the fine mist
on a summer lawn.

They warned us
about this in school.

There was management DNA
in the backwash of that cup.

Now it's in you.

It's like a virus.

People...

I'd like to get the first space
billboard launched in 30 days.

Does anyone see
a problem with that?

No way in hell.

That's the dumbest
idea I've ever heard.

Nincompoop who knows nothing.

A pointy-head idiot
who stinks like old socks!

Sounds like we have consensus.

I don't know what's
wrong with this pen.

I'm going out on a limb here,

but I'll say it's out of ink.

That management DNA
must have infected you.

You've lost the knack.

I have not lost the knack.

I'll show you who's
lost the knack.

I'll design this thing myself.

Out of my cubicle.

I need privacy.

This is my cubicle.

Sense of direction.

It's the first thing that goes

when you lose the knack.

Dilbert. Just the man I need.

What's it mean when you
get a system error number 53?

Watch me solve this

with intuition alone.

Okay.

Error 53.

I haven't seen that one before,

but I have a feeling

it's your network
interface card.

What should I do?

Press "Control" and "F9."

Thanks.

Hey, Dilbert.

Do you know how to
subnet an IP address?

It's been a while, but
I think this will work.

I haven't lost my
engineering knack

just because a few
things go wrong.

Even great athletes
have dry spells.

Like the great Olympian,
Emil Gartanamo.

World record holder

in both the javelin
and the 100-yard dash.

Only person who ever died

by throwing a spear
into his own back.

Did you just make that up?

Clever, wasn't it?

Can we talk about me
instead of made-up people?

Sure.

Pass the bread.

Okay, tell me about your day.

I've got to design

a low-Earth-orbit
advertising satellite

as big as New Zealand

and get it launched in
30 days for under $1000.

That is so sad and pathetic.

And then what?

Well, that's kind
of the whole story.

They're not laughing at you.

They're laughing with you.

I didn't say anyone
was laughing at me.

You're only ugly on the outside.

What are you talking about?

They say swimming
is the best exercise.

Well, I've always
agreed with that, but...

Hey!

A light sail.

Well, you still need

a huge ground-based
laser to push it.

We can borrow the one at
the particle accelerator lab.

We only need it
for a few minutes.

Are you done yet?

Good lord, man, you're
working me to the bone.

Has it been tough?

Well, this coffee cup
doesn't carry itself around.

Get some rest, Wally.

You two, start
pulling your weight.

The components
are all off the shelf.

We can put this thing
together in a week.

It looks good on paper,

but how do we know you
haven't lost the knack?

I haven't lost the knack.

There's something wrong with it.

Let me have a look.

There.

It should be fine.

Thanks, Dilbert.

Smart men are so sexy.

Do you think we
could go out sometime?

Attention all workers:
Has anybody seen my pen?

The one that
writes in four colors?

It's not worth a lot
of money or anything,

but my mom gave it to me...

This is a terrible program.

What else is on?

Hey, where's the clicker?

Why aren't I sitting
in my recliner?

Oh, for crying out loud.

For the last time,
this is not a TV show.

You're telling me.

Look at this guy.

He hasn't moved the whole
time I've been watching.

Although it does build suspense.

You know what? Leave this on.

Oh, what the
hell. I can't take it.

Tell me the ending.

40 minutes after liftoff

the ship will achieve orbit.

At that time,

the tissue-thin balloon
material will unfurl,

creating an advertising
banner over five miles wide.

Ten seconds...

Seven...

Four, three, two, one.

Blooper.

All systems are green.

The laser should
kick in in 15 seconds

and put our baby on target.

Are you sure you gave
the right coordinates

to the laser operator?

You've been off
your game lately.

Me?

Off my game?

Ha!

Uh-oh.

Hm.

Nah.

What should we do?

Party.

♪ I'll sharpen your knives
You simple housewives ♪

♪ I'll sharpen you knives! ♪

♪ I've got raisins
Shriveled and brown! ♪

♪ Who wants raisins
The finest in town?! ♪

♪ Bow and arrows
Kill some birds ♪

♪ Then you shove 'em In a pie ♪♪

Hi, Dilbert.

Do I know you?

What do you mean?

We're your neighbors.

I'm Arnie from
across the street.

The insurance salesman?

What happened to you?

Well, ever since that
satellite got knocked out...

That was yesterday.

Yeah, well, things
fell apart pretty fast

without power and
communications.

Luckily, Denise over there,

she went to a Renaissance
festival last summer

so she knew what to do.

So... you want to
be a blacksmith?

We also need a guy to
sweep little piles of dung

into big piles of dung.

I'll get back to you.

We have to
realign the satellites

and restore power
and communications.

Oh, forget it.

Stop being a stick-in-the-mud.

Everybody's having a great time.

No more multitasking,
no more fax modems,

e-mail, voicemail,

videoconferencing,
teleconferencing,

pointing, clicking
and all that other stuff

I never did anyway.

Where's Alice?

Just follow the
sounds of tambourines

and drunken laughter.

Alice!

Hey, buddy, you're going to have

to wait your turn
like the rest of us.

Quiet, knave.

What the hell is going on?

We're celebrating the
return to simpler times.

You mean, the
downfall of civilization?

No. I mean, the rebirth
of the human heart.

With technology gone,

we're free to enjoy
our true nature.

To release the animal within

and let it live
wild and untamed!

So you're not
going back to work?

I am at work.

This is my job now.

You're a...?

Free spirit.

A child of nature.

I live for the moment
and follow my whims

wherever they guide me!

How's the pay?

I'm paid in joy.

And my hours are from
yesterday until forever.

And if you don't like it,
I'll kick the crap out of you!

Terrific.

Where's the boss?

He's over there
fulfilling his role

in the natural order of things.

♪ A dialogue about maximizing
Quality, productivity ♪

♪ Would bring about a consensus
Within the time parameters ♪

♪ Of our earlier Proactive
assessments ♪♪

And to think, Dilbert,
we have you to thank

for all of this!

No, don't thank me.

This is awful.

Let's raise a glass
of mead to Dilbert.

To Dilbert!

Yuck! Ugh!

What's mead?

What's wrong with you people?

Don't you see what's happened?

Yeah!

Fine. If I have to repair

those satellites
single-handedly,

then that's what I'll do.

Who's with me?

None of us!

If only I hadn't drunk
the boss's coffee,

I would still have my
knack for technology.

I'm afraid your
son has the knack.

Can he lead a normal life?

You're drinking out of my cup.

Now you're infected!

You've lost the knack.

That management DNA
must have infected you.

You're only ugly on the outside.

I've got it.

I know how to get my knack back.

Hello? Hello?!

Somebody answer me!

There's got to be
someone out there!

I'll pay any roaming charges!

I'll accept a collect
international call!

What did I tell you

about trying to contact
the outside world?

♪ To facilitate The
implementation ♪

♪ Of our business system
Transition strategy ♪

♪ We must maximize our talent
Base and thereby determine ♪

♪ Our propensities For
consensus building ♪♪

Here, drink this.

Oh, kind sir,

you offer me a tipple
to slake mine thirst.

Alas, I have but
recently imbibed

a goblet of ale.

Just a sip then.

A sip?

A sip you say? To
wet one's whistle.

Why, what harm could it do?

But verily, I am
already quenched.

Drink it!

Oh, good sir,

your generosity will
not be circumvented.

Ooh, whew!

I salute you.

I don't feel any different.

I hope you washed your cup.

Dirty rags for sale.

Who buys dirty rags?

You'd be surprised.

I don't need any rags.

What I need is to find my knack.

Yes, the knack.

It's like trying to
find the one good rag

in a huge pile of bad ones.

How is that the same?

Sometimes the harder
you look, the better it hides.

When you stop
looking for the knack,

it will find you.

You look familiar.

You know, if you shorten
the axle about eight inches,

you'll reduce the stress and
you won't have this problem.

Exactly.

Looks like you found your rag.

I know you've grown
accustomed to the new ways,

the authenticity and the
relationship with nature,

but it's a lie.

We live in a cold,
mechanistic technocracy.

We have to make that work.

I know life is unfair.

You'll get no argument from me.

I know it's not fun and
it's not novel, but it's real.

To that end, I've turned
this silo into a rocket

by loading it with 20
tons of match heads.

It's going to
reorient the satellites

and give us back our technology.

Thank God.

I am tired of sleeping in dung.

And wearing these
unflattering clothes.

I miss TV.

Yes, me too. I need my shows.

Don't you miss it? I need it.

Ooh!

It didn't work.

Everything is still ruined.

But now it's worse,

because for a few
moments, we had hope.

Time for a human sacrifice!

Just let me get this.

Yeah.

Hmm, too bad.

I was beginning to
enjoy the simple life.

Everyone likes the simple life,

until it gets complicated.

Where's Dad tonight?

He's still at the
all-you-can-eat

buffet place in the mall.

How long has he been there?

Since 1979.

You got to hand it to him.

He doesn't give up.

For him, it's the principle.

He's not coming
home until he's sure

it's all he can eat.

It was a mistake for them to
put bathrooms in that place.

You remind me so much of him.

What little I can remember.

How can they say

it's the world's favorite snack?

I'd like to see the evidence

that supports that.

Maybe you should write
to them and demand proof.

Now you've done it.

And how do they know

this is 30% of my
daily recommended fat?

Isn't everyone a different size

to begin with?

Let's go in the living room.

He'll be a while.

Are they telling
me a jockey needs

the same amount
of cookie protein

as a professional weight lifter?

They must think we're
idiots or something.

Without a weight chart,
this is completely unhelpful.