Diff'rent Strokes (1978–1986): Season 2, Episode 6 - Arnold's Hero - full transcript

♪ Now the world don't move
to the beat of just one drum ♪

♪ What might be right for
you may not be right for some ♪

♪ A man is born He's
a man of means ♪

♪ Then along come two They
got nothin' but their jeans ♪

♪ But they got
diff'rent strokes ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent strokes ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent strokes
to move the world ♪

♪ Everybody's got a
special kind of story ♪

♪ Everybody finds
a way to shine ♪

♪ It don't matter that you
got not a lot, so what ♪

♪ They'll have theirs and you'll
have yours and I'll have mine ♪



♪ And together we'll
be fine 'cause it takes ♪

♪ Diff'rent strokes to move
the world Yes, it does ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent strokes
to move the world ♪♪

I'd like to say to all my
fans, my television audience,

as far as my boxing retirement
being final is concerned,

this sassy, proud, funny
reporter came to me the other day.

He says, "Muhammad, now that
you are retired from pugilism, boxing,

do you think you're gonna get fat, old
and ugly and no longer be the greatest?"

So I said to this chump,
whose name I care not to reveal,

I said, "Howard"...

I said, "Look, I'll
always stay great.

"I'll always be the
prettiest and the fastest.

I'll never get fat
and old and ugly."

So I gave the bum 25
cents and said, "Get lost."



Hey! What did
you turn it off for?

Arnold, the interview is over.

You already seen it twice
in the news this morning.

But you cut off the end part
where he says, "I am the greatest,"

and kisses his own hand.

Oh, forgive me, Arnold.

I'll tell you, as punishment,
next time I watch a soap opera,

you can turn it off right in the
middle of the brain operation.

Ah, don't worry about it, Arnold. You
can see him again on the 11:00 news.

And if that's not good enough, I'll
paste his pictures on your eyeballs.

Man, he's my idol.

Float like a butterfly,
sting like a bee.

Muhammad is
beautiful, like I wanna be.

Come on, Kimberly.
Let's go. Okay.

Where you goin'? Ah,
you won't wanna go.

How do you know? I
mean, maybe I wanna go.

Don't make up my mind
for me. I can do that myself.

We're going to the
library. I don't wanna go.

Bye-bye, Mrs. Garrett. So long.

Oh, yeah?

Hey! Hey, easy there, champ.
Easy! No hittin' below the knees.

Oh, yeah. Hey,
that is great, Max.

And Father O'Brien loves
the idea of a bingo for charity.

As a matter of fact, he's
due here any minute.

He's coming over to
discuss it with me. Yeah.

Hold the phone.
Max, hold the wire.

I'm being attacked by a
preshrunk Muhammad Ali.

Watch it. I'm
lean, but I'm mean.

Yeah, hello? Yeah.
No, Max, I'm here.

Oh, that's my son Arnold.
His idol is Muhammad Ali.

Yours too? You do? Really?

Oh, boy, would
he ever love that.

You will? Hey, thanks, Max.

Listen, I owe you
one for this. Bye.

Listen, champ...
Hey, time! Hold it.

How would you like to meet
your hero, Muhammad Ali?

You mean, meet him,
in person? In person.

You mean, live in the flesh
and not on instant replay?

Live in the flesh.

You wouldn't kid me, would you?

I mean, it's not nice to tease an innocent,
loving, trusting little kid like me.

No, Arnold, I'm not
teasing. I mean it.

Wow! That's better than having
lunch with Big Bird and Miss Piggy!

See, it happens that my
lawyer's brother-in-law...

knows Muhammad Ali's business
manager very well, and he can arrange it.

You are really gonna meet him!

Oh, man!

I'm gonna meet
Muhammad Ali! All right!

I'm gonna meet him!
I'm gonna meet him! Oh!

Can eight-year-olds
have heart attacks?

No, Arnold, they can't.
They just give 'em.

You're really terrific.
You think so, huh?

Just keep up the good
work. Yeah. I'll do that.

Now I gotta go to the library
and tell Willis and Kimberly. Okay.

Oh, man! I'm gonna meet
Muhammad Ali! All right!

I'm gonna meet
him! I'm gonna... Ooh.

Oh, sorry. Forgive me, Father.

For a non-Catholic, Arnold
certainly is learning the right words.

Come in, Father. That son
of yours is a human dynamo.

You know, I think if we could harness
Arnold, we could solve the energy problem.

That's funny.

He's gonna get to meet Muhammad
Ali, and it has just blown his mind.

Muhammad Ali? Yeah, the boxer.

Now, I spoke to my minister,
Reverend MacKenzie,

and also to Rabbi Klein,

and they both agree that an interfaith
bingo charity game is a terrific idea.

Splendid. Splendid. And
you're a fine chairman, Phil.

Only one thing could make you
even better. Yeah, what's that?

If you could fix it so that I
could meet Muhammad Ali.

You too?

Man does not live
by confessions alone.

Say, do you suppose that we could get
Muhammad to show up at our charity?

Why not? We can always try.

Hey, that's a great idea.
I'm glad I thought of it.

I didn't know you
were a fight fan.

As a matter of fact, before I took
my vows, I was an amateur boxer.

- Oh, I can't imagine you
ever hitting anybody.
- That was the problem.

My parishioners called me the
patron saint of the bloody nose.

You know, you've got a
great sense of humor, Father.

You oughta bill yourself
as a stand-up priest. Ah.

Sit down. Oh.

Oh, my! You should've
seen it, Mrs. Garrett.

- I was the B.M.O.P.
- Yeah? What's the B.M.O.P.?

Big Man On
Playground. Oh, all right!

And just how did you get to
be this celebrity of the seesaws?

Well, the rumor got started
down in the playground...

that I was gonna meet
Muhammad Ali in person.

I got a hunch that rumor leaked out
from between a pair of chubby cheeks.

You've got a good hunch.

And on account of that, my
friends gave me all this stuff...

for gettin' Muhammad
Ali's autograph for 'em.

Oh. One roller skate?

Ah, it don't matter. I
don't how to skate anyway.

Well, you could tie it to your
tush and have someone push.

Maybe the Gooch.
He's now my best friend.

The Gooch? Say, isn't that the
kid who once gave you a fat lip?

Well, he didn't give it to
me. I had to fight him for it.

Stay away from him,
Arnold. You listen to me.

Oh, you listen, honey.
Believe me. He's a mean kid!

Yeah. If the Gooch
traced his roots,

he'd find out his
great-grandfather was a gorilla.

Oh, excuse us, Mrs. Garrett.

Hello, Arnold. How ya doin'?

Now, where were you
two? I went to the library

to look for you, but
you weren't there.

They "shooshed" me out.

Well, there was a sale at the record
store for that new group, The Pimples.

Yeah. If you buy one of their
albums, you get a free tube of Clearasil.

I can hardly wait to grow
up so my skin'll break out.

Now tell us, Arnold, what's this rumor we
hear about you meeting Muhammad Ali?

Who told you that? Everybody.

Including total strangers.

Well, it's true.
It's all set up.

That's fantastic. I wanna
meet the champ too. So do I.

Well, I might arrange it, if you
drop a little somethin' into the pot.

What is all this stuff, Arnold?

Oh, it's from the guys for gettin'
Muhammad Ali's autograph for 'em.

- You're charging them?
- No.

I look at it as contributions to charity,
which everybody knows begins at home.

Look at this.

Honestly, Arnold, now
whose T-shirt is that?

I'll give you one guess.

The Gooch. The Gooch.

Yeah. Here's the other half.

Come on, Arnold. The
Gooch ain't that bad.

Are you serious? His father drives
around with a bumper sticker...

that says "Have you
beat your kid today?"

Hi, gang. What's up?

Oh, hi, Daddy. Isn't it terrific about
Arnold meeting Muhammad Ali?

Yeah, that's what the
doorman just said to me.

Congratulations, Arnold. You've given a
whole new meaning to "word of mouth."

That's my brother...
The mouth that roared.

Man, I can hardly
wait to meet him!

When am I meeting him?
When? When? When?

Soon! Soon! Soon! I'll call
my lawyer, and we'll find out.

His brother-in-law had lunch with Muhammad
Ali's business representative today.

♪ Reach out, reach out
and touch someone ♪♪

Hi, Max? It's Phil.

Uh, Max, listen. Did your brother-in-law
have that lunch with Muhammad Ali...

He didn't? Oh, what happened?

Oh.

Ohh.

Ohhh.

Three ohs in a row ain't good.

Yeah, well, I understand, Max.

Thanks very much anyway. Bye.

I'm sorry, Arnold, but you're not
gonna be able to meet the champ.

Aw, no! Well, what
happened, Daddy?

Well, it's kind of
complicated, but my lawyer's

brother-in-law
separated from his wife.

Well, let's get friendly with the one
who's got custody of Muhammad Ali.

I'm sorry, Arnold. I
should've had the whole

thing set up before I
mentioned it to you.

I know how disappointed
you are. Me too.

So am I. I'm sorry, kids.

Look, Arnold, I'll make it
up to you. I promise. Hmm?

We'll do something
nice together.

I know. I'll take you to see
the Muppet film the 12th time.

Okay, I'll see you, kids.

Tough luck, Arnold.

But I just gotta meet the champ.
I just gotta. You don't understand.

Understand what?

Well, certain people think the champ is
gonna come and sleep over in the apartment,

maybe even in my own bed.

Now, why would you
say something like that?

Well, because every time I told
somebody I was gonna meet the champ,

I felt like I knew him better,
so I just kept adding details.

How could you say such
dumb things, Arnold?

Well, I couldn't stop
myself. I was on a roll.

Hello? Just a minute.

It's for you, Arnold.
It's the Gooch.

The Gooch? I don't even
wanna talk to him on the phone.

Even his breath is mean.

Uh, listen. Arnold isn't here.

Now, calm down, Gooch. Have
your mother throw you a piece of meat.

What's the message?

Okay. Okay. Good-bye.

- Listen, Arnold.
- Ah, don't tell me.

I'm in trouble
with a capital "T."

That rhymes with "D,"
and that stands for dead.

He wants the champ to autograph
his T-shirt "To the Gooch."

Doesn't the Gooch have a
real name like everybody else?

Well, if he does, nobody knows
about it except his enemies.

None of them are alive.

Well, maybe if you
explain to the Gooch what

happened, it won't
be as bad as you think.

- So you lose a little face.
- I'll also lose a lot of teeth.

Don't worry, little brother. I
won't let him lay a hand on you.

I'll walk you to school
every single day. Till I'm 30?

- Where are you goin'?
- Since I don't have
much time left,

I might as well go out in
a blaze of peanut butter.

Poor Arnold.

Isn't there something
we can do to help him?

Sure. We can order him
a supply of bandages.

Willis. I'm just kiddin'.

I know how he's dyin'
to meet the champ.

I know. If there
was just some way...

Wait a minute!

You just said "dying to
meet the champ." So?

Well, there was an article in the
paper last week about a football star...

going to see a sick
kid in the hospital.

Yeah, I read that one too.

Well, maybe if Muhammad
Ali thinks Arnold's dying,

he'll come on over
here to visit him.

Kimberly, that's the
sneakiest idea you ever had.

Mm-hmm. I'm proud
to be your brother.

All right. All right.

Now, are you absolutely sure
Muhammad Ali's on this floor?

Positive. On the television
interview yesterday,

he said he was staying in this
hotel, in one of these penthouses.

Well, which one? There's a
bunch of them on this floor.

Excuse me, sir.

Can you tell me which
room Muhammad Ali's in?

- He's my cousin.
- You expect me to fall
for that?

It's really urgent.
Life or death.

Yeah, honest. Yeah, sure, kid.

Sure. It's that room there, but
you didn't hear it from me, cousin.

Ah, thanks a lot.
We'd offer you a tip,

but all we've got is a dollar, and
we wouldn't want to insult you.

Insult me. Insult me.

Well, who said a dollar wouldn't
buy anything these days?

I sure hope he answers our note.

Hold it, you two.

Whoa, it's him! In the flesh!

About 20 pounds too much.

Well, how much did it cost
you to get my room number?

- A buck.
- Only a buck?

Why, that's what they
get for O.J. Simpson.

What have you got here?

"Dear Champ:
Our little brother"...

- Whose little brother?
- My real brother.

- Her adopted brother.
- Oh, I see.

"Our little brother
is your greatest fan,

"and he's very, very sick.

"His only wish in life is to
meet you before he dies.

Then he can die happy."

Are you serious?

"We hope that you get
this before it is too late."

Poor kid. What's his trouble?

It's something we
can't pronounce.

It just... came on
all of a sudden.

Well, you go tell
him to hang in there...

and that I have his address
here, and I'll be there in 30 minutes.

Gee, thanks, Champ! Oh,
you really are the greatest!

Well, good-bye, Abraham.

This town ain't big enough
for me and the Gooch.

So guess who's bowin' out?

Hi! Hi, Arnold!

Don't ever do that again.

I thought it was
the Gooch's hit man.

What do you think you're
doing with that suitcase?

Leavin' town. I'd rather be a
live coward than a dead hero.

I don't wanna be
around at high noon.

You ain't goin'
anywhere. You know why?

Because the champ, Muhammad
Ali, is comin' to see you.

What you talkin' about?

It's true. We just talked to
him. That's the good news.

- What's the bad news?
- Well, we told him
you were dying.

- Dying?
- Yeah, so think dead.

Come on. Hurry up. Get into your
pajamas. He's gonna be here any minute.

Well, why did you
tell him I was dyin' for?

Because that was the only way we
can get him over here. Isn't that terrific?

Well, meetin' him is terrific, but
dying I got mixed feelings about.

Come on. We gotta hurry. Yeah,
he's gonna be here any second.

Well, what do we do if they
find out we pulled a trick like this?

They won't 'cause we lucked out.

Dad's not home, and Mrs.
Garrett's in her room taking a nap.

Well, okay.
Kimberly, turn around.

There's a few things I
don't want you to see.

Well, it's been a
tough day, Father. Aye.

I never would've
believed that a simple

charity event would
require this many permits.

You know how the government is. They like
to feel they're keeping tabs on everything.

I wouldn't be at all surprised to find
out that they have a bureau of bingo.

Make yourself at
home, Father. I'll get Mrs.

Garrett to fix us up
a little something.

Oh, thank you very much.
I could use a bit of a nosh.

One nosh comin' up. Help yourself to
a glass of sherry, Father. Be right back.

Ah, don't mind if I do.

♪♪

Okay, Kimberly, you
can turn around now.

Okay, now, Arnold, get
into bed and start dying.

And moan and groan a lot.

Okay, make some noise. Okay.

More.

More!

Just a minute.

Champ, it's you! You
did come to see the boy.

Father, I hope I'm
not too late. No, no, no!

Mr. Drummond and I
just got back ourselves.

We were out making
the final arrangements.

I'm so glad that
you could join us.

Well, I imagine you go through
this type of thing a lot, Father.

Yes, but I'm getting
so that I enjoy it.

You enjoy it? Well, I imagine
priests have to be as tough as fighters.

- We surely do.
- Life is really something.

Just when you think you have the
answer, they call your number, then bingo.

Only if you're lucky.

Would you care to join
me in a glass of sherry?

No, I don't drink. I'd
just rather see the boy.

Ah, well, there's no rush. A couple
more minutes won't kill the boy.

Father, you're somethin' else.

Thank you very much. You know,
Champ, I used to do a little boxing.

I've taken a few punches myself.

Well, that's what I figured.
Where's Arnold's room?

Oh, all the bedrooms
are upstairs.

Well, nice. Thank you.
I'll be seeing you. Okay.

Okay, now, Arnold,
act like you're dying.

No, worse.

Arnold, that doesn't
look like you're dying.

It looks more
like you're hungry.

Hey, Arnold, it's me, the
champ. Can I come in?

It's him! It's him! It's...
Calm down, Arnold.

You're dying, remember?
Now, act... act... Look dead now.

Come in, Champ.

He's awfully weak, Champ.

Hi there, Arnold.

Who's that? It's me, the champ.

Joe Louis?

This kid's delirious.

No, it's me... Muhammad Ali.

You'll have to speak louder.

I can't hear you over
those golden harps.

Golden harps? Oh,
this kid's in trouble.

Did you all find
out what he's got?

It's a rare tropical disease.

When was he in the tropics?

He wasn't. That's
what makes it so rare.

Say what?

- Champ?
- Yeah?

Could I ask a favor while I
still got breath in my little lungs?

Yeah. What is it? Could you
autograph a picture for me?

I'd be glad to. Here's a pen.

Boy, you've got
quicker hands than me.

Well, I'm glad I've got my
picture all ready for you.

Now what do you want me to say?

To my best friend, Arnold.

"To my best friend, Arnold."

Who I've always liked
to have dinner with.

"Who I've always liked
to have dinner with."

And who I'm teachin' to whoop guys
like the Gooch so they won't pick on him.

Wait a second.

Because Arnold will give him a left
and a right and a shot in the nose...

and an uppercut and a
bam, wham, slam, wham...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. For a little guy
who's supposed to be sick and dying,

you sure have a lot of energy.

Oh. Oh, well, it comes
and goes. It just went.

You know something, Arnold?

I've been north
and I've been south,

but now I've finally met
somebody with my kind of mouth.

Now, I'm not no sucker, no fool.

Tell me, what's goin' on here?

Muhammad Ali is here?

I'm tellin' ya, I was talkin' to
him. He was standin' right there.

Father, how many of those
sherries have you had?

Mrs. Garrett, Father
O'Brien is a man of the cloth.

Now, if he says that he saw
Muhammad Ali in this house,

then I say get him a
cup of black coffee fast.

- Hey, look who's here, Mr. Drummond!
- It is him!

Oh, he's here!

I wouldn't have believe
it. That's him, Dad.

That is him.

Champ, this is our dad,
Mr. Drummond. Hello, Mr. Drummond.

You have a nice family. Pleased to
meet you. You know Father O'Brien.

Yes. And this is Mrs.
Garrett, our housekeeper.

How do you do, sir?
Oh, he's so gentle.

Got it. Got it.

Drummond residence.
Who? Just a minute.

Arnold! For you. The Gooch.

Is that the Gooch
you was talkin' about?

There's only one Gooch.

Yeah, Gooch.

Yeah, Gooch.

Now hear this, Gooch.

I'm gonna let you
talk to a friend of mine.

His name is the
champ, Muhammad Ali.

Spread it on, Champ.

Hey, Gooch.

What's goin' on, Gooch?

Yeah, it's really me... Ali.

Not no Rich Little.

Gooch? Gooch?

I think he fainted.

I'm havin' more fun here than
I did with the Joe Frazier fight.

I can't tell you how happy
we are to have you here.

Yeah, I'm sorry we
lied to you. Lied?

Lied? What lie?

Uh, we'll explain later
at a safer time. Yeah.

If anybody would like to confess,
I'm an equal-opportunity priest.

Well, I think I'm
gonna be goin', folks.

Okay, come on. Because I'm
liable to get a whoopin' myself.

A whoopin'? I thought
you quit fightin'.

Well, I did, but my wife didn't.

Before you leave, can we
take a couple of pictures of you?

I never say no to havin' this
beautiful face reproduced.

♪ Now the world don't move
to the beat of just one drum ♪

♪ What might be right for
you may not be right for some ♪

♪ A man is born He's
a man of means ♪

♪ Then along come two They
got nothin' but their jeans ♪

♪ But they got
diff'rent strokes ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent strokes ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent strokes to
move the world Yes, it does ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent strokes
to move the world ♪

♪ Mmm ♪♪