Diff'rent Strokes (1978–1986): Season 2, Episode 5 - Birds and Bees - full transcript

♪ Now the world don't move
to the beat of just one drum ♪

♪ What might be right for
you may not be right for some ♪

♪ A man is born He's
a man of means ♪

♪ Then along come two They
got nothin' but their jeans ♪

♪ But they got
diff'rent strokes ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent strokes ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent strokes
to move the world ♪

♪ Everybody's got a
special kind of story ♪

♪ Everybody finds
a way to shine ♪

♪ It don't matter that you
got not a lot, so what ♪

♪ They'll have theirs and you'll
have yours and I'll have mine ♪



♪ And together we'll
be fine 'cause it takes ♪

♪ Diff'rent strokes to move
the world Yes, it does ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent strokes
to move the world ♪♪

Hi, everybody. Hi.

Hey, where have you been?
Oh. I was talkin' to the Martinos.

Martinos? Yeah... the new
neighbors who moved in down the hall.

- Do they have any children?
- Yeah... one and a half.

One and a half?

Yeah. There's a girl my age, and
Mrs. Martino's gonna have a baby.

- Oh, that's nice.
- Yeah. She's way out to here.

I asked her how
the baby got in there.

- You didn't.
- Yes, I did.

But she didn't tell me, so
I guess she didn't know.

That must be it.



Hello. Hello. Hello, dear.

Well, did you have a good
day at school today, Willis?

- Ah, it was the pits.
- That's nice.

- What happened?
- Did you get into a fight?

You flunked a test?

- Did you lose your comb?
- It was the worst day
of my life. I got married.

What do you mean, you
got married? Come on, Wilis.

- You can't get married.
- Yeah. How are ya gonna fit
a wife in our bunk beds?

It's a part of our
social studies class.

We're studying family life
and marriage and all that stuff.

Well, that's a relief.

I think a person should wait at
least till they're 15 to get married.

Oh, yeah. I heard about
those courses, Willis.

Boys and girls pick a husband
and wife out of a hat, right?

I picked mine out
of a coffee can.

Well, when I went to school, we
learned about marriage the hard way.

- What's the hard way?
- Gettin' married.

Well, in my class we pretend to
have the real problems of marriage,

like where we gonna
live, if the wife'll work

or if we're gonna have
any children or not.

If I have to get married in
junior high school, I ain't goin'.

You know, that sounds like an
excellent program and long overdue.

It's horrible, Mr. D., and all
the guys feel the same way I do.

Well, what about all the girls?

Well, you know how they
are. They just giggle a lot.

Willis, let's not
put down the girls.

Yeah. If it wasn't for girls, who would
they get to go into the ladies' room?

Tell us, Willis... who did you
marry? Her name is Charlene Dupray.

Charlene Dupray? Ain't she
the one that's built like a sparerib?

Now come on, Arnold. That's no
way to talk about your sister-in-law.

Well, it ain't my fault she
ain't got no meat on her bones.

Well, I think that's a very
valuable course you're taking, Willis.

You know, marriage is a
very complicated relationship.

Oh, yes, too many young
people rush into it without thinkin'.

Yep. Arnold, stay
outta the ninth grade,

'cause they don't only give you
homework, they give you a wife.

Hello? Yes, he is.

Just a moment, please.
It's for you, Willis.

Oh, okay.

Uh, it's the missus.

Guess I'll take
it upstairs. Okay.

Well, how do you like that? He
ain't been married one whole day,

and already she's
checkin' up on him.

Arnold, just because she's calling him,
doesn't mean she's checking up on him.

That's right, Arnold. Maybe
she just wants to talk to him.

Well, if a husband and wife
do all their talkin' during the day,

what is there to do at night?

- That is a very good
question, Arnold.
- What's the answer?

Johnny Carson.

Hello? Oh, hi, Charlene.

Listen. Are you gonna
start nagging me already?

What did the teacher say
we're supposed to discuss?

Well, our honeymoon will have to
wait, 'cause I'm goin' roller-skating.

Oh, now calm down, Charlene.

- Willis, uh...
- Just a minute, Arnold. I'm on the phone.

Oh, that's all right.
You won't bother me.

Yeah. I'm still here, Charlene.

Well, do we have to discuss
about having children now?

Well, sure I wanna have children
someday, but we should wait.

Okay, I give you a reason why:

What if I have to drive
you to the hospital?

I don't even have a
driver's license yet.

I'll call you back, Charlene.

And stop callin' me "hubby."

That's tellin' her, hubby.

Listen, Willis. You've been my
big brother for quite a while now.

Uh, could you tell me something and level
with me? Why, sure Arnold. I always do.

Well, how do you make a baby?

Uh, why do you wanna know?

Well, our new neighbor, Mrs.
Martino, is gonna have a baby,

and she doesn't know
where it came from.

So, I figured if I
knew, I could tell her.

Well, Arnold, you're too young,
and I'm too busy with my homework.

- No, I'm not,
and no, you're not.
- I am now.

Listen. I know why you
won't tell me. You don't know.

That's why you're takin' a class
on marriage... so you'll find out.

Are you kiddin', Arnold?
A man my age knows it all.

And what I don't know,
I can draw a picture of.

Well, how about spreadin'
some of it around?

Arnold, you're just
not ready for this.

Listen. I'm ready, Coach.
I'm ready. Come on.

Tell me how you make a baby.

Well, okay, Arnold. Have a seat.

Yeah, let's burn this thing
up. Here's the way it is.

Well... Well, you see, Arnold,

there are men, and there are
women, and they're different.

Well, I know that.

I figured that out the first
time I went to the beach.

Well, see, a man
and a woman, they...

Well, you know, th...

Maybe we oughta start with the birds
and the bees first. Hey, big brother,

none of that birds
and bees stuff.

What do you think I am... a kid?

You're right. The birds
and bees are for the birds.

I know that a baby comes
from inside the mother.

What I wanna know is,
how does it get there?

How does it get
there. Right. Yes.

Well,

uh, has anyone ever
told you about the salmon?

Salmon?

Yea-a-ah. A woman gets a
baby from eatin' a salmon.

What you talkin' about, Willis?

Well, you see, Arnold, the mama
salmon has these eggs inside of her,

and then she has
to swim upstream.

You mean to tell me Mrs.
Martino had to swim up a stream?

Let me finish, Arnold.

Well, you see, when the mama salmon
gets up there, she lays these eggs,

and then the papa
salmon fertilizes them.

And that's the whole deal.

You mean the eggs that make
babies are inside a salmon?

- That's it. You got it.
- That's about the way
I figured it.

It's our little secret, so don't tell the
rest of the family I told you. You dig?

I dig. Okay.

Hey, Willis, should I tell Mrs.
Martino how she got the baby?

Oh, no. You better not, Arnold.

Eh, you oughta see
her. She's way out there.

She looks more like
she's havin' a basketball.

She must have eaten
a really big salmon.

Mmm. Somethin' smells
good. I'm hungry. Yeah.

Hey, what are these?

Patties. Mmm.

These patties've been
hangin' around with some fish.

You're right, Arnold. They
are fish. They're salmon patties.

Salmon?

I love salmon patties.

Don't eat that!

- Well, why not, Arnold?
- It's... It's fattening.

- Arnold, fish is not fattening.
- Salmon is.

Arnold, cool it.

I used very little butter when
I fried them. They're delicious.

Don't... Don't eat
that, Mrs. Garrett!

Arnold, what in the
world has gotten into you?

It's not what's gotten into
me. It's what's gettin' into them.

I think he's freakin' out.

That's it. When Arnold was little, he
was once scared by a salmon patty.

Knock it off, blood.

Arnold, what is all
this fuss about salmon?

When you were little boys, didn't your
mother ever make salmon for you and Willis?

I don't remember. But now that I
think of it, she must've made it twice.

Hello. I'm Mrs. Martino.
We just moved in.

I'd like to see Arnold's
father, please?

You're seeing Arnold's father,
Mrs. Martino. I'm Mr. Drummond.

Oh?

Oh.

Come in.

Welcome to the building.

Won't you please
sit down? Thank you.

Well, now what can I do for you?

Well, the first thing you can do is
have a talk with your son, Arnold.

Uh-oh. What did he do?

He had a chat with
my daughter, Tina.

And now that I've
met you, I'm a little

surprised. You seem
like an intelligent man.

Well, if that's a
compliment, thank you.

What did Arnold
say to your little girl?

Well, it's so ridiculous,

but he said that if a woman
eats salmon, she'll have a baby.

Well, that was always
my understanding.

I guess that's what they
mean by a "pregnant pause."

Ah... uh, look, Mrs. Martino.

Obviously Arnold has a
misconception about conception.

Mr. Drummond, your casual
attitude probably explains...

why both your daughter and
your housekeeper are pregnant.

Mrs. Martino...

Pregnant?

That's what your
little boy told Tina.

He did?

I wonder why he'd
say... Oh, of course!

Mrs. Garrett and Kimberly ate salmon
last night. No wonder they're pregnant.

Look. Mr. Drummond, you can
bring up your child any way you see fit.

I don't want my child subjected
to foolish misinformation.

- Now look, Mrs. Martino...
- I didn't come here to argue.

Now I strongly suggest that
you have a talk with your son...

and straighten him out about
where babies come from.

Mrs. Martino, I can
understand your being

upset, and I'm gonna
have that talk with Arnold.

But just between the two of us, I
really do know where babies come from.

And I also know
all about... S-E-X.

I wonder.

- Hello.
- Hey, Willis.

This is our new neighbor,
Mrs. Martino. My son, Willis.

How ya doing? Hello.

You know, I've
had it with my wife.

What happened? She's
gonna have a baby.

Well, congratulations.
Congratulations? She's hopin' for twins.

- I don't believe this.
- I oughta get a divorce.

I can't believe this is
happening on Park Avenue.

No, no, no, no, no. You
don't understand, Mrs. Martino.

You see, they're not
really married... What?

Please, I don't want
to hear another word.

Oh! Oh, I beg your pardon.

Mrs. Martino, this is my housekeeper, Mrs.
Garrett. Oh, Mrs. Martino. How do you do?

I'm so sorry I bumped
into you in your condition.

My condition? And what,
may I ask, is my condition?

She thinks you're pregnant.

Pregnant? Well, I did
just smile at the butcher.

Do you think that could do it?

Let me help you. Thanks.

Arnold told Mrs.
Martino's daughter Tina...

that if women eat
salmon, they get pregnant.

Isn't that ridiculous?

Well, I think it's time for a facts
of life talk with Arnold. Hmm.

The problem is, how do you
tell a kid that age about sex?

Very carefully.

Didn't your father
tell you all about sex?

Oh, yes, he did. I
was 11 years old.

He came into my room. He shut the door.
He said, "Philip, sit down." I sat down.

He said, "Philip, there are boys and
there are girls. And they're different."

Oh, go on. Mm-hmm.
That's all he said.

He never mentioned it again till I
came back from my honeymoon.

And then I told him.

I said, "Dad, you got it right."

I just hope I remember it
right when I go to tell Arnold.

You will.

Aw, Mr. Drummond, you must
be worn out from all that readin'.

How about a little
sustenance? Oh, thank you.

I'm just trying to decide
on the right approach

to this little talk I'm
gonna have with Arnold.

According to some of these experts, if the
introduction to sex is handled improperly,

you can scar a child for life.

Oh, you'll do just fine.

Animated Sex. Hmm.

That book explains
it all in cartoons. Oh.

Aw, look at that cute little
fella with the funny face and tail.

Looks like a fish swimmin'.

- That's Sammy Spermatozoa.
- Ah. Oh, really?

That must be Olga Ovum.

I still think this is the best
approach... The Physiology of Sex,

a good, no-nonsense
presentation of the facts.

- Hey, everybody.
- Hi, dear.

Hey, here is the young man
I have been wanting to see.

Well, uh, excuse me. I have
a few things to do. Excuse me.

Hey, wait, Mrs. Garrett.
Don't overwork yourself.

And if you get a sudden urge for
pickles and ice cream, don't be surprised.

Thanks for your
advice, Dr. Spock.

Ain't he the one on Star
Trek with the pointed ears?

Listen. Arnold, I would like
to have a little chat with you.

Sure. What about? Well,

about, uh, this
notion of yours...

that a woman can have
a baby by eating salmon.

Willis told you? He told
me to keep it a secret.

And he says I'm a blabbermouth.

Well, the point
is, it's all wrong.

That's not where
a baby comes from.

It isn't? Has Willis
got the wrong fish?

Arnold, I think it's time you knew
the why and wherefore of sex.

Just don't leave out how.

Now I know that you know that
males and females are different.

But what you may
not know is this:

Inside the male and
female reproductive organs...

are certain glands
called gonads.

Okay?

Are you... you following me?

I'm all ears. Good.

Now, in the female,
the gonads contain eggs.

Right.

And in the male they
contain spermatozoa.

Yeah.

Now we're coming to the
part that you asked about.

Yeah... the how.

Yeah. The, uh... The... the how.

Now when the male spermatozoa reaches
the female eggs, an egg is fertilized.

And at that very moment, the life of
a baby begins. Isn't that wonderful?

And it grows inside the mother
for nine months. Nine months!

That is called gestation.

And then the baby's born.

That's about it. Any
questions, Arnold?

No. I think that'll keep
me goin' till college.

Thank you very
much. You're welcome.

I want you to feel free to come to
me anytime you have any questions.

Thank you. And now that I know everything
about sex, feel free to come to me too.

Hmm. I appreciate that.

Hello. Oh, hi, Charlene.

Yep, I know we
gotta name the baby.

I don't care if he's
your favorite TV star.

We ain't namin' it
Erik Estrada Jackson.

Willis, I gotta talk
to you. It's important.

I got an emergency here,
Charlene. I'll call you back.

And stop callin' me "hubby."

Willis, sit down. What?

Just sit down. What is it?

Now, you always sit me down
and have these big-brother talks...

and give it to me
straight, right? Right.

Well, from now on, forget
it. You don't know nothin'.

- What do you mean?
- I mean, Willis, next to you,
a dodo bird looks smart.

Now wait a minute. Sit!

Having babies has got
nothin' to do with salmon.

It's time you knew the real way it
works, and I'm gonna lay it on you.

I can't wait to hear this.

Now you see, there's
organs, and there's nomads.

One's in the lady,
and one's in the man.

The lady's is called eggs, and the
man's is called, uh, "spumonizoa."

Then you gotta
have some fertilizer.

You spread a little bit of it around, and
when the, uh, spumonizoa hits the eggs...

Pow! You got yourselves a baby
that has indigestion for nine months.

- Who told you that?
- Mr. Drummond, that's who.

And he got it out of a book
that thick, so it must be right.

Okay, Arnold, sit. Again?

Well, I'm gonna
give it to you straight.

When I was a little kid, Papa told me
how it works between a man and a woman.

You see? Yeah. Uh-huh.

And he looked at me a
real long time, and he said,

"There's a time when it's
too soon to pick a tomato,

"and there's a time when
it's too late to pick a tomato,

and there's a time
when it's just right."

Yeah? Little brother, I think
your tomato-pickin' time has come.

So you see, Arnold, men
and women are built differently,

and it takes both of
them to make a baby.

And it takes a lot of
love and caring about...

Oh, so that's why Arnold
didn't want us to eat the salmon.

I think that's so cute. Well,
Mrs. Martino didn't think so.

Uh, Mr. Drummond? I gotta
have a little rap session with you.

It's important.
What is it, Arnold?

Well, uh, it's private. Could
you step over here, please?

Sure. Right over here.

Okay.

Now, what do you
wanna rap about?

About babies.

Haven't we already
rapped about that?

Yeah, but we gotta
rap about that rap.

Now see, I love you.

Well, I love you too.

So I don't want you to go
around makin' a fool of yourself.

- Well, What... What do you mean?
- What I mean is,

if you tell anybody else
what you told me about...

making babies,

they'll die laughing.

Who have you been talking to?

Willis. And he told it
to me like to really is.

And I think, Mr. D.,
you should find out too.

Thank you. I-I'm all ears.

Good. Now see,

when a man and a woman
want to have a baby... Hmm.

There's gotta be a lotta
love and caring involved.

And what they do is, when...

Willis told you that?

Not only that, but...

He told you that too?

Well, listen. I'm glad
he told you that, Arnold.

Wait, there's more. Hold it. I don't
know whether I wanna hear anymore.

You gotta find out sooner or
later. Your tomato is way overripe.

Willis, I want to
congratulate you. What for?

Everything that you told Arnold.

Why congratulate him? I
was the one that filled ya in.

Well, that's true, Arnold, but Willis
handled this much better than I did.

He was very straightforward,
and he came right to the point.

I tried to hide behind
some big technical book.

Well, Arnold, now you
know all there is to know.

Yeah, and if that's the way sex is,
I'm gonna stick to my electric trains.

Well, Arnold, when you're a little
older, you're gonna be chasing the girls.

And when you're a lot older,
you'll go back to your trains.

How old is that?

I don't know. I never
met a man that old.

Well, Willis, it's nice
to see you happy

again. Everything okay
with you and Charlene?

Yep. I called her back, and I decided to
stick with it and make the marriage work.

Good for you.

Well, Willis, what changed your
mind? You were gonna get a divorce.

Well, Charlene said
she'd name the baby...

Willis Jackson Jr.

Hey, why don't you have
two and name one after me?

No. Arnold, we're
only gonna have one.

Uh, how do you arrange it so
you can only have one baby?

I'm due in the kitchen.
And I'm gonna help her.

Oh, I gotta do my
homework. Me too.

Wait a minute! Hey! Come
back here. Wait! I just want...

Hey, where you runnin' off to?

Wait! Hey!

Was it something I said?

♪ Now the world don't move
to the beat of just one drum ♪

♪ What might be right for
you may not be right for some ♪

♪ A man is born He's
a man of means ♪

♪ Then along come two They
got nothin' but their jeans ♪

♪ But they got
diff'rent strokes ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent strokes ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent strokes to
move the world Yes, it does ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent
strokes to move the... ♪♪

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