Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 8, Episode 3 - Watch While I Revise the World - full transcript
Restlessly jogging at night, haunted by their conscience over Gaby's stepfather's murder, Carlos and Susan start really talking, which they never did before. When Mike finds out and fears for an affair, Susan ends up confiding in him. Bree's secrecy with detective Chuck Vance not only costs her a fine boyfriend, but makes him into a dangerous adversary, out for revenge. Lee has no choice but turn to Renée as unlikely mother figure for his adoptive daughter and fears he's losing her to basically the first female, but is reassured girls are fickle, the gay couple's parenting is exemplary. Lynette can't believe her immature, eternal screw-up sister Lydia Lindquist finally found the right man, and her impertinent praying ends up scaring off yoga guru Herbert 'Rashi' Brickmeyer for real.
Tom moved out of the house.
Tom and I are separating.
After covering up a murder,
Gaby warned Bree it was a bad time
to be dating a cop.
Get rid of Chuck!
But you've got to end this,
and you've got to end it now.
Bree showed the mysterious letter to Paul,
who'd seen one like it before.
I mentioned the letter to the police.
The main detective was a tall guy
with a short name like, uh, Pence.
- Was it Vance? Chuck Vance?
- That's it.
Carlos struggled with remorse...
I just want us to get back to normal.
We're never going back to normal!
And discovered he wasn't
the only one feeling guilty.
It is nice to be able to talk about this.
You wanna get some coffee?
Susan Delfino and Carlos Solis
had never been the best of friends.
Susan thought Carlos
paid too much attention
to other people's opinions.
And Carlos thought Susan
didn't pay attention at all.
Over the years, they'd never
had much to say to one another.
But one night, Susan found
herself troubled by thoughts
she couldn't share with her spouse.
While two doors down,
Carlos was in the same predicament.
And that's how it came to pass
that two people who'd never
had much to say to one another
they had a great deal to talk about.
So I leave the office,
walk into the parking garage,
and... there he is.
Right in front of me.
I practically jump out of my skin.
Then I turn around again.
It's just some guy getting into his car.
This is not me.
I can't sleep. I'm seeing ghosts.
I feel like...
I'm walking around with
a neon sign on my forehead,
flashing "Guilty, guilty,"
and everybody can see it.
Sometimes I think I'm losing it.
I was getting ready to deck the guy.
Can you imagine?
Can I imagine?
I assaulted a cop, remember?
Oh, yeah. What happened with that?
15 hours of community service.
And I can't tell Mike.
It's one more thing
I'm lying to him about.
Well, I can talk to Gaby,
but she's sick of listening.
That's what this makes this feel so...
Can I tell you something?
When I went out walking tonight,
I was kind of hoping I'd run into you.
I was kinda hoping that, too.
You're kidding. You've never read
"To Kill a Mockingbird"?
In my school, if you read a book,
it was more like "To Kill a Sophomore."
Well, you would love it.
Um, it's about a guy
who tries to hang on
to his sense of right and wrong
when the system fails him.
Gee, I don't get that at all.
Oh. Your jacket. Thank you.
Yes, Susan and Carlos
were starting to pay
attention to one another.
But what they didn't realize
was that someone else was
paying attention, too.
Wisteria Lane may look flawless,
but that's only because its residents
are so good at concealing imperfections.
They know how to make something
old look new again...
how to make an embarrassing
how to make a poor showing
look like a modest victory...
and how to make a friend feel better
after she's gone through a messy breakup.
Gaby, how thoughtful.
It's from that new place, Skinny Berry.
Tastes like a milkshake
but only 18 calories.
And I figured you could
use a little pick-me-up
after you dumped Chuck.
Yeah, well, about that...
Oh, is that... is that from Skinny Berry?
You know, the fraud unit's
all over that place, right?
Apparently those things
are like pure ice cream.
Huh! Guess you can't trust anybody.
Have a good day.
All right, I know what you're gonna say...
Three words... first word, "You're,"
third word, "Crazy,"
middle word... what you
keep doing to that guy!
You don't understand.
Damn right I don't.
You said you were gonna dump him.
But... I think Chuck wrote the letter.
The "I know what you did" letter?
What makes you think that?
I spoke to Paul Young, and...
Whoa, whoa. Why would you talk to Paul?
To find out who else knew
about Mary Alice's letter,
and he said that when he confessed
to killing Martha Huber,
Chuck was there.
Okay, but why would Chuck blackmail you?
He's already got the milk and the cow.
No offense. Just what else could he want?
Maybe he wants to control me.
Maybe he wants money. I don't know.
You've gotta start snooping.
- Yeah. Go through his stuff,
hack into his e-mails,
listen in on his phone calls.
I can't do that.
You have to, Bree.
Until we know what Chuck knows...
exactly what he knows,
it's not just you who's in danger.
It's all of us.
How's that pressure?
Ohh, perfect, and remember, Friedrich,
I've hidden your tip somewhere on my body.
It's up to you to find it.
Renee! I need you.
I am in crisis. I am at my wit's...
Lee McDermott. Nice to meet you.
Ooh, like in "The sound of music"?
Nothing? Okay. He plays for your team.
Anyway, I need a huge favor.
I don't do favors. You know that.
It's for Jenny.
Oh, your daughter?
I am desperate.
When Bob and I adopted her,
we agreed that I would take care of
the "Time of the month" talk,
and Bob would handle all things bra.
Well, that bastard is in Tokyo,
and the boobie fairy has arrived.
The boobie fairy?
See why I should not be
the one handling this?
I was hoping... maybe you
could take her shopping?
Oh, man up. It's just a bra.
They terrify me.
Too many numbers and letters and colors,
and it's my little girl growing up,
and I can't deal.
So you'll do it?
No, he just found his tip.
Fine. I'll take her, but only for an hour,
and no small talk.
Oh, bless you.
I will never forget you for this. Mwah.
Look! Ricky Martin! Eating a banana!
Oh, please come with us.
You've bra shopped with Penny.
And maybe one of your older boys,
if I'm guessing right.
I can't. I have plans.
Oh, that's right. Tom's got the kids,
and you have this whole place to yourself.
What are you gonna do?
Some man who's not married to you
is gonna have to see that body soon.
Do not do this.
It's not for me. My sister's coming.
Lydia? The disaster?
Yeah. Out of the blue, she called
and says she wants to visit.
You know what that means.
She got dumped.
After loaning him a lot of money.
And finding out he's married.
In two states. So... I gotta
get the whole toolkit ready
so after she crash-lands here,
I can pick up the pieces.
Uh, I'm going out the back door.
I hate to see people crying.
It reminds me how little
I actually care about others.
You look fantastic.
You thought I'd be my usual blubbery mess
of snot and tears, didn't you?
Well, that's not me anymore.
Thanks to Rashi, I'm a changed woman.
Rashi? Oh, god. Did you get a dog?
No, silly. I got engaged
to the greatest guy in the world.
Oh, and, Lynette,
I'm so sorry about you and Tom.
But don't worry. I'm here to help.
Hey. Sorry I'm late.
Grocery store was a madhouse.
I actually had to fight
a woman over the last chicken.
- Unfortunately, she was Slavic...
a very sturdy people,
so I hope you like cereal.
Susan, stop. I just got off the phone
with the guy from the county.
Something about your
court-ordered community service
for assaulting a policeman.
W... it's so ridiculous.
I was... trying to fight a...
and I knocked over the cop's bike.
Um, and I maybe told
him his baby was ugly.
He... he blew the whole
thing out of proportion.
Well, you know what
I'm blowing out of proportion?
The guy on the phone
called me "Mr. Solis."
Carlos picked me up at
the, uh, police station,
which I know sounds weird...
why him and not you...
I was just, uh, so embarrassed,
I... I didn't wanna tell you.
So there's nothing going
on with you and Carlos?
I shouldn't be worried
about your little moonlight
stroll last night?
Have you been taking fighting lessons
from that Slavic lady?
Mike, come on.
I couldn't sleep. Carlos couldn't sleep.
We ran into each other, and we talked.
About what? You barely know him.
The first eight years we lived here,
you called him Ricky Ricardo.
He's... going through something,
and I'm helping him.
Yeah? Tell me. What's he going through?
Okay, Mike, Carlos and I are just friends.
I don't mind you being friends with a guy.
It's all the sneaking around and the lying
I'm having a hard time with.
So she waltzes in to
my advanced yoga class
even though, clearly,
she's never done yoga before.
Well, the teacher of the beginner's class
wasn't nearly as cute as you.
And then I, uh, go over
and correct her cobbler pose, right?
And our eyes meet.
And three weeks later, he gives me this.
Wow, that's some rock.
Literally, it's a rock.
I saw it on the beach after class.
It calls out to me,
and I feel like I might need it someday.
And you did. Isn't the universe amazing?
So this is my third glass.
I'm saying mean things,
but I'm not getting a buzz.
The wine is alcohol-free.
So this night's not getting any better.
Ever since Rashi did
a liver cleanse on me,
I haven't had a drop to drink.
You got Lydia to give up wine?
You should take your act to Vegas.
It's not an act.
I'm gonna go grab some
spices out of the van.
Okay, who are you kidding?
You can't marry that sunflower seed.
I'm not kidding anybody.
I love him.
In fact, he's leading
a meditation seminar...
at Kerrigan Park.
Why don't you come?
It might help you deal with
your marriage crashing.
My marriage did not crash.
Tom and I are separated.
Exactly why you should be
doing some "Lynette work."
Come on. It'll be fun.
Six hours of silence in
a traditional mountain yurt.
I promise you, Lydia,
if you drag me to a yurt,
two will go in, one will come out.
Careful. That's our tax
dollars you're dripping.
You need to pace yourself.
You're gonna need lots of paint
to cover that gigantic banana over there.
Uh... I don't think that's a banana.
Hey, I worked hard on that graffiti.
What are you doing here?
"To kill a mockingbird."
I started reading it last night.
It was so good.
I couldn't wait to talk to you about it.
Yeah, well, I'm kinda beautifying the city
at the moment.
Don't you get a lunch?
Look, Carlos, Mike found out
we were spending time together,
and he's a little weird about it,
so I don't think we should be
having any intimate lunches.
Why is he weird? I mean,
nothing's going on.
No, of course not, but somehow...
us meeting in the middle of the night
and me lying about it was
kind of a red flag for him.
Well, if lunch is too intimate...
How about... I help with the beautifying?
I guess there's no harm in that.
Are you here for community service?
Nope, just trying to be a good citizen.
Can't. Not unless you committed a crime.
Are you serious?
Jenny, trust me.
You want Jackson to notice you,
ice him out.
Don't talk to him. Don't look at him.
Maybe have sex with his best friend.
I mean, have a soda. Got it?
What happened to you guys?
You were supposed to
be back two hours ago.
Uh, we went shopping.
Here's your credit card.
Oh, and by the way, I upped your limit.
3 grand? What are you, a nurse?
So... tell me all about your day.
O.M.G. I want to see
everything you bought.
Dad, you're like a million years
too old for "O.M.G."
I'm gonna try the makeup you got me.
Wait. You got her makeup?
Uh, she wears a bra now.
Think she's ready for
strawberry lip gloss.
Tell me what happens with Jackson.
I want all the deets.
"Deets." I love you.
Well, look at you two, all B.F.F.
So who's this Jackson?
I would like those deets.
Oh, she asked me not
to tell anyone about him.
I'm not anyone. I'm her co-father.
Well, don't take it personally.
There are just some things
girls would rather talk about
with other girls.
I could be a girl.
I could totally be a girl!
Well, you got the voice down.
Hey, where are you?
In the kitchen! Come join me.
Smells amazing. What are you making?
Oh, seared tilapia, bearnaise sabayon,
and a little bok choy.
Mind giving me a hand?
Bree, the only word I recognized
in that sentence was "Hand."
Come on. There's nothing to it.
This is bearnaise sauce.
It just needs ten minutes
of constant whisking.
Look at you. You're a natural.
I'm gonna go dress for dinner.
Now remember, keep
whisking for ten minutes.
If your hand starts to spasm,
it means you're doing it right.
Bree, I think it's been ten minutes!
No! No, not even close!
Keep whisking till it's light and frothy!
Okay, I don't care how long it's been,
that stuff ain't getting any frothier.
And I got a cramp in my shooting hand.
So if a criminal gets away tomorrow,
it'll be your fault.
I'm so sorry.
Here. Let me, uh, massage it for you.
He took a picture of your
hand while you were sleeping?
How creepy is that?
I know. Why would he do such a thing?
- Oh, my god.
He must have found a
handprint at the crime scene.
He pulled your print off the photo,
and they were a match.
- Is that possible?
- I don't know.
Well, then what's in the envelope?
Maybe the cell phone or a
piece of the shovel handle.
Whatever it is, that's what
he's gonna use to nail us.
Well, we have to get that envelope,
and I can't keep distracting
him by having him stir sauces.
By the way, his bearnaise... disaster.
Okay. Tonight when he gets home,
you take him for a long walk,
leave the back door open,
and I'll do the rest.
What if the briefcase is locked?
I can pick locks. Yeah.
I can also disguise my voice,
forge people's signatures,
and I'm a decent pickpocket.
Adultery gave me some
valuable life skills.
Fractions are so stupid.
I'm never gonna need this stuff anyway.
Are you kidding me?
Let's say you marry a guy
who's worth $20 million.
You divorce him, and he gives you half,
but your prenup says
you get three-quarters.
That extra $5 million gets you a yacht,
because you learned your fractions.
True story, by the way.
Hello? It's Lee!
Hey! Come on up.
You know, you'd be a really cool mom.
You think so?
No, I'd probably just leave
the kid in a nightclub
Hey. What are you doing here?
What am I doing here?
I'm looking for my daughter,
who said she'd be home by 5:00.
- I guess we got carried away.
Use the whole word!
How much time are you saving?
- Calm down.
- Can you stay out of this?
This is between me and my daughter.
Stop. You're embarrassing me.
I don't care.
You need to come home with me... now.
What if I say I'm not ready to leave?
What if I say you're grounded for a week?
Should we keep going?
What?! You are so unfair!
Aren't you being a little hard on her?
Back off, Renee. You're not her mother.
Mmm. My sweet, that was your
most delicious meal yet.
What was in this?
Uh, just walnuts, hemp curds,
and one very special ingredient.
Please don't say "Love,"
because I'm already nauseous.
I find that a walk after a meal
helps encourage my digestive flow.
Anybody care to join me?
You go. I'll clean up.
That's full of poison.
Yes, delicious, creamy poison,
which, by the way,
you used to suck down by the gallon.
Yes, I know, but I've changed.
And I wanna help you change, too.
It's why I'm here.
Wow. That's a bigger load of crap
than the one we just ate.
You're not here for me.
You're here because for once,
you're the one in the happy relationship,
and you just couldn't
wait to rub my face in it.
Why do you al... No.
No, no, no, no. No.
You won't drag me down to your level.
I am surrounded by a beautiful bubble
of loving energy.
you are in a bubble,
but once the pebble collector
dumps you like they all do,
you'll go right back to
being the ice cream-binging,
neurotic mess you really are.
You are so mean. God, I hate you.
There she is. Welcome back.
My whole life, you've
treated me like a screwup.
You always had to be the happy one,
the smart one, the married one.
Well, guess what?
Now you're the screwup, bitch.
You're alone and miserable,
and I love it.
I love it, I love it,
I love it, I love it!
I just, uh, forgot my iPod.
Uh-oh. A chardonnay float.
Does that mean...
Rashi's gone to the retreat alone,
Now I'm just as miserable as you are.
Did he... dump you?
He said now that he's seen the real me,
he needs to meditate on whether
or not he can still marry me.
I'm so screwed, dude.
You know, if he was that quick to run off,
maybe he's not the guy.
He's the guy.
I'm just not the girl.
I thought I could put all
that loser stuff behind me
and actually have
a functional relationship.
I guess that's too much to ask for.
Why don't you go talk to him?
After how I behaved,
I've been told my energy is
no longer welcome in the yurt.
Where is she?
Where is who?
Jenny. She's supposed to be grounded,
but when I went to her room
to check on her, she was gone.
Well, she's not here.
I've been out all afternoon.
I don't think I trust you.
Jenny? Are you in here?
This is all your fault, you know.
My fault? How is it my fault?
I'm sorry. I'm not
speaking to you right now.
We were a perfectly happy family
before you got involved.
Got involved? You made
me take her shopping
'cause you're scared of boobs!
Yeah, and then you glommed on
because you don't have kids of your own.
It's not her fault!
I snuck in a back window.
What's going on? Why are you here?
I like it here. We did our nails.
I don't know.
Sometimes I think it'd
be cool to have a...
Oh, my god. The "M" word.
What can a mother do that I can't?
You wanna do your nails?
Mani-pedi Mondays start next week.
You want to try on shoes?
I have the stilettos that Cher wore
to the "Moonstruck" Premiere.
You can't go in the ladies' room with me.
So that's the problem?!
Well, you've got me.
I see why having a dad and
a papa is so horrible.
Jenny, why don't you go in the kitchen?
The latest "Vogue" is in there.
We have magazines at our house, too!
Are you okay?
This is my worst nightmare come true.
I've worried about this moment
ever since she came into our lives.
What if Bob and I aren't enough?
What if she does need a mother?
Oh, shut up.
You took a girl who was bouncing
from one foster home to another
and gave her two great
parents who love her.
But you heard her. It's not enough.
Oh, please, she's a kid.
Today she wants a mom.
Tomorrow she'll want a car.
Jenny is not lacking for anything,
and you guys are doing
an amazing job with her.
So amazing, that for
the first time in my life,
I... actually enjoyed
hanging out with a kid.
Aw. Thank you.
And I take back everything I said
about you being an insensitive bitch.
Uh, you never said that.
Don't open your e-mail.
We are the sun,
the warmth radiating from our hearts.
We are the endless sea rolling
beneath the forever sky.
We are the leaves.
The wind blows us from trees.
Sorry, sorry. Stupid wind.
We are the stars,
losing ourselves but gaining the universe.
You got a sec?
What are you doing here?
Besides trying not to laugh my ass off?
I need to talk to you.
Well, not now!
My students have been
meditating for six hours.
They are very close to
finding their bliss.
I'm sure they can spare
you for a few minutes,
so come talk to me,
or I will start singing Ethel Merman
at the top of my lungs.
There's no business like show business
- there's no...
- So sorry.
I'll be right back.
You can't leave Lydia.
I don't want to, but I didn't recognize
that person I saw yelling at you.
I did. It's the person I turn her into
every time we get together.
The Lydia I didn't recognize was the one
who breezed through my house,
happy and in love.
You don't understand. It's too hard for me
to be around people like you and Lydia.
Then... eat a root or chant or whatever.
It's not gonna help, okay?
Because you are exactly like my family.
My name is not Rashi.
It's Herbert Brickmeyer,
from Levittown, Long Island,
and that energy in your kitchen...
that was pure Brickmeyer,
and I can't be around that again.
Okay. Okay, first of all,
Lydia doesn't act like that when
I'm not pushing her buttons.
And even if she did, work it out.
That's what a relationship is.
And you're a relationship expert?
I'm an expert on screwing them up.
I'm guessing it took you a while
to stop being a crazy
Long Island Brickmeyer,
so give Lydia a little time
to find her bliss, too.
I'll think about it.
All this talk about my family's
got me really jonesing for a cigarette.
You wouldn't happen to...
- Rashi called.
He had an epiphany during the retreat.
He knows I'm changing,
and he's willing to be patient.
He's right. You are changing.
I have never seen you like this before.
Yeah, really, honey.
I think that is why I have
been so rotten to you.
I don't get in relationships, Lydia.
I get on them.
I mount them and grab them by the hair
and kick them in the sides
until I make them go where I want.
And god help the other person
if they have a different idea than me.
Is that what happened with you and Tom?
You can change, too, Lynette.
I don't know if I can.
I'm pretty sure this
is as good as it gets.
No, because you recognize
your problem now.
And a wise man once said
that to begin the journey of change,
we must pull on
the boots of self-awareness.
And was that wise man Rashi?
Isn't he adorable?
And when he talks to Scout and Jim,
you know he doesn't wanna
just do the right thing
for the community. He wants to
do the right thing as a father.
I know. It's like when Gregory Peck
looks at those kids,
you can tell that he's...
You didn't actually
read the book, did you?
Yeah. I started, and then it was on cable.
I'm sorry. It's just too many pages.
Oh, god. He's turning around!
Uh... Okay, come on.
Do you think he saw us?
I don't know.
I don't see his truck. I think he left.
Oh, thank god.
Wow, that was close.
Yeah, my heart's pounding.
I know. I can feel it.
What is going on here?
Are you sure?
Yeah. We're just two friends
who are going through
a tough time and are trying to
help each other through it, right?
Then why are we hiding
in the back of a van
from my husband?
I don't think we should do this anymore.
Mike! What are you doing?
When you're done helping your boyfriend,
we need to talk.
How was your day?
It was a little stressful.
Ah. Mine, too.
We need to unwind.
How about a nice, long walk?
I have a better idea.
There's someplace special
I'd like to take you.
It's a surprise.
I don't really like surprises.
I do. Shall we?
Uh, can I freshen up first?
You look plenty fresh to me.
But I've been in these clothes all day.
I'd really like to change.
Okay. Don't keep me waiting.
Bree, have you left yet?
New plan. He's taking me out,
and he's got the envelope.
- Where are you going?
- He won't say,
but if he wrote that letter,
and he's bringing me somewhere
with the evidence...
This is when he gives you the shakedown!
I'll follow you.
I thought you were gonna change.
My attitude. I didn't wanna go,
but now I do.
Uh, what about that...
that table in the corner?
We'd like some privacy.
No, no, no, no. I hate privacy.
I like noise and bustle
and lots of people.
How about this one in the middle?
Whatever you say.
Oh, aren't you warm in that jacket?
Actually, a little.
So, um, let's order first,
and then we can talk.
Don't these appetizers sound delicious?
Yum! Escargot, and I...
I love onion soup.
But it'll be hard to pass
up on the beef tartare.
Rustic country pate. Look.
Uh, what am I looking at?
It just says "Rustic country pate."
Maybe we should look on
the left side of the menu.
I definitely think we'll find
something good on the left side.
We didn't get a wine list.
Where's our waiter?
I'll be right back.
Wait. Where... where are you going?
To freshen up.
What do you think's in there?
What if it's a bone? You open it!
Maybe it's a tooth?
Ohh. The picture of my hand...
He was trying to figure out my ring size.
Well, this doesn't necessarily
mean he didn't send the letter.
I think it does.
Okay, well, this is a relief, right?
I mean, at least
he's not blackmailing you.
No, it means he wants to marry me.
So what are you gonna do?
I like Chuck, but he's not the man
I wanna spend the rest of my life with.
You can go. I'll do my
best to let him down easy.
Some rock, and on a cop's salary?
But you should still dump him.
If you're gonna say it, say it fast.
There is no fast way to say it, buddy.
What the hell are you doing here?
We're finally gonna tell you the truth.
About a month ago,
the progressive dinner...
you remember that night?
Just get to the part that's the truth.
I killed Gaby's stepfather.
And me and the girls helped cover it up.
I'm sorry that took so long.
Oh, that... that-that's all right.
It actually gave me a chance
to have a scotch and a glass of red wine.
Calm my nerves a little.
God, I wish I could have a drink.
Why? What are you nervous about?
I have something important to say.
Huh. Um, I-I wonder
If it's the same thing that I'm gonna say.
I'm pretty sure it's not.
Chuck, you are a wonderful man,
and I have enjoyed
our time together, but...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Are you... are you...
you're dumping me?
I was about to propose to you.
I'm sorry if I misled you...
Hey, there's a fake apology.
You did mislead me.
You know, it's like you're two people.
There's the woman I have fun with,
who I really... I really connect to,
and there's this other woman who's...
who's, uh, who's mysterious and-and weird
and keeps sneaking out to "Run errands."
There's another guy, isn't there?
No. I assure you, there's no one else.
Don't lie to me!
Was he the one who sent you that letter?
The one that you, uh,
you were reading the other night,
you got all shook up about...
Was that from him?
There is no "Him."
You know, Bree,
I would've done anything for you.
I protect the people that I care about.
I don't care about you now.
So if you find yourself in trouble,
and I'm pretty sure
that someday you will...
Then don't come calling me.
You have made a very big mistake.
Yes, the residents of Wisteria Lane
are skilled at the art of concealment.
They know how to cover
the evidence of a messy breakup...
to compensate for what their
children might be missing...
and to spare the feelings of a loved one
whose taste they may not share.
But for some,
the art of concealment
comes at too great a cost.
And so they find themselves
forced to reveal the truth...
even at the risk of facing
an uncertain future.