Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 5, Episode 23 - Everybody Says Don't - full transcript

Previously on
Desperate Housewives.

We're getting married.

One proposal lead to another.

We're with lmmigration.

But the law got in the way.

- Ma'am, I need you to step back.
- Can't this wait?

We're about to get married.

Not today, you're not.

A break-in was staged...

Orson, we've been robbed.

In an attempt to
hide assets in a divorce.



After the crash...

And the truth
about the accident came out.

Mike told them that he was driving,
but it wasn't true.

The thing you have to
understand about Dave Williams

is he wanted to be forgiven.

That's why he made the videotape.

I didn't want to kill MJ Delfino. I had to.

Susan Mayer killed my wife
and daughter.

The police called it an accident,

but I don't believe a person
who takes two precious lives

should be allowed to just walk away.

I know some people will wonder,
why didn't I just kill Susan?

Well, what good would that have done?

She'd be dead. There'd be no suffering.



And to those who hate me
because I took the life

of an innocent young boy, I say...

Crap.

Yes, Dave Williams
wanted everyone to forgive him...

Look, I got a new tackle box
for our trip on Saturday.

But not until he
finished doing the unforgivable.

After the White Horse nightclub

was destroyed by a suspicious fire,

one body was left unclaimed.

The detectives on this case
referred to him as John Doe A-37.

For months, they tried to identity him.

Then one day, they got a call
from an impound lot.

It seems a car had been towed

from the club parking lot
the night of the fire,

a sedan that had been rented to
a Dr. Samuel Heller from Boston,

who had been reported missing
four months earlier.

The doctor's dental records
confirmed their theory.

His receptionist, however, did not.

No way.
Dr. Heller did not die in that fire.

Ma'am, we've got his dental records.

I don't care.
You said the fire was four months ago?

Well, I've gotten texts from him
since then.

- You have?
- Yeah.

The last one was just a few weeks ago.

Hmm.

Maybe we should send a text back.

Ma'am, do you have your phone
with you?

Hey, Dave. I was gonna call you.

- You were?
- Yeah.

Did you say something to MJ
about going on that fishing trip?

Yeah, I did.
I know how depressed you've been

since Jackson was deported,
so I thought now was a perfect time

for the three of us to go up to the lake.

And, I got MJ his own little life vest.

I wish I could, but I can't.
I'm worried about Jackson.

All the more reason.

You know what they say about fishing,
it's nature's tranquilizer.

Dave, I haven't heard from Jackson
since he was taken away,

and I just want to be here
in case he calls.

Yeah. Well, that's okay.
Just bring your cell phone.

I just feel more comfortable
if I'm close by.

Oh, that's crazy.

I mean, Jackson wouldn't want you
sitting around here worrying about him.

I'm sorry. We'll go fishing another time.

Don't you think
you're being a little selfish here?

I mean, what about MJ? You wanna
go fishing, don't you, buddy?

- Yeah!
- Yeah.

What are you doing?
I just told you I can't go.

I'm just thinking about MJ.

He'll be fine.

You know what? You're right. I'm sorry.
It's just a trip.

You're not listening!

Six months in Europe
would be educational.

You know what would be
more educational?

You going to college,
like we talked about.

Mom, I've already been in school
for 12 years already.

I... I need a vacation.

Well, it seems like,
based on your last few report cards,

you've already been on vacation.

I'm gonna be 18. If I want to
go to Europe, I'll go to Europe.

Well, good luck paying for
it, because if you so much as apply

for a passport, we're cutting you off.

Cut off from the mighty Scavo family
fortune? Oh, no!

Tom, why didn't you help me out there?

Because I agree with him.

- What?
- Well, he's young.

He should be having fun.
I mean, look at me.

I'm a middle-aged man reading
the want ads for jobs I'll never get.

I should have gone to Europe
when I had the chance.

Hey, focus.
Our son is throwing his life away.

We have got to keep him on track.

What is so great about the track?
I was on it.

I did everything I was supposed to.
It chewed me up and spit me out.

I know you're discouraged,
but letting our son

make a huge mistake
is not going to help anything.

Even if it is a huge mistake,
you gotta let people

make some decisions
about their own life.

Your way is not the only way.

I am just trying to help Preston avoid
the way marked "Unemployable Loser."

Fine. What do you want me to do?

I want you to get
this stupid Europe idea out of his head.

Take him on a tour of the campus.
Get him excited.

- Show him college could be fun.
- Sure.

And on the way home,
I'll show my college diploma

to the guy at the Burger Barn.

Yeah. They're hiring a new fry cook
for the night shift.

If you're really stopping by there,
bring home some onion rings.

Mommy, what are you doing?

We're going to a family reunion
at Aunt Connie's on Saturday,

and I want to look my best.

Is it going to be fun?

Well, if your idea of a good time
is sitting on rusty lawn chairs

in the driveway,
eating lard in the shape of chicken,

then, yeah, it's going to be a blast.

- The driveway?
- Honey, you're six now.

So, I think it's time we had
a little mother-daughter talk.

Your father's side of the family's trash.
Any questions?

If you don't like her, why are
you putting on your best jewelry?

'Cause that's
what grown-ups do, sweetie.

When we don't like someone,

we don't punch them
or say mean things,

we just find subtle ways to
make them feel bad about their lives.

Like these earrings.
Aunt Connie can't afford them,

and that'll make her sad.

And this will bring her to her knees.

And this will be a kick in her throat.

If you hate them so much,
maybe we shouldn't go.

Oh, no, sweetie, we have to go.
They're family.

See, this is why I wanted to
check on my things.

You don't leave a valuable painting
on the damp floor.

You need to
put something underneath it.

Fine. How about this ugly doormat?

That is not a doormat.

That is a hand-woven
Kurdish Kazakh rug.

You know, Bree, when I hang out
with you, I realize how little I know

and how much I don't give a crap.

Give me that.
I'm so glad this divorce is almost over.

An obnoxious, unpleasant man
will be out of my life. And so will Orson.

Hey, it's not over yet.
You've still got a couple of hurdles.

Has Orson brought up
the insurance claim again?

No. He thinks I filed it.

Great. When he realizes you never did,
you'll be divorced, he'll be broke,

and it won't matter.

Yes. And I'll be single again.

I can concentrate on my business,
maybe do some traveling.

Maybe spend a little time at
the intersection of right leg and left leg,

if you know what I'm saying.

Sadly, Karl, I always know
what you're saying.

You know, if you want,
I could set you up.

I know a lot of great guys
who are good for a free dinner.

And a few laughs, huh?

For God sakes, Karl,
I'm not even divorced yet.

And once I am, I don't think you'd be
my first choice as a matchmaker.

Oh, shoot.

- Hello?
- Hey!

- Susan. It's me.
- Jackson! I have been so worried.

- Where are you?
- Fairview Jail.

They're processing
my deportation papers.

So they're sending you back? When?

A couple of days.

I just wanted to call and say thank you,
and tell you that I'll miss you.

Well, I'll miss you, too.

You came in my life when
I was going through a really hard time,

and you were amazing.

I mean, you are amazing.

You, too.

So, did the lmmigration people tell you
how they found out about you?

Anonymous tip. Although, it's pretty
obvious who "anonymous" is.

Does Mike really think
I'm that stupid?

Mike? You think Mike did this?

Who else? Mike and Katherine
were the only people who knew.

And Katherine was doing cartwheels
about us getting married, so I...

Yeah, but... No.
This doesn't make any sense,

because Mike knew
that it wasn't for real.

Well, real or not, he had the look of
a guy who's not ready to give you up.

Time's up.

I got to go.
I'll try and call you again before I leave.

Hey!

- Hey! Hey. How was the campus tour?
- Fantastic.

Oh, my God. That school is amazing.

The professors were so engaged,
and the kids were open and friendly...

- Really?
- Yeah. It was inspiring.

You were so right to send us.

Good. Good. I knew if you saw the
campus you'd have a change of heart.

Me? No, I'm still going to Europe.

What was that? I thought you said
the tour was fantastic.

Okay, so, Preston still needs
a little convincing.

But I don't.

I'm going back to school.

What's that now?

Okay. I know it's a little out of left field,

but walking across the quad,
I felt so alive.

I spoke with someone in Admissions,

and all I have to do
is pass an entrance exam.

So...

You would be a college student. Again.

Mmm-hmm.

Twenty-five years
after the first time.

But this time, focused.

This time knowing exactly
what I want to major in.

- Which is?
- Chinese.

Chinese?

Chinese?

As in Moo Goo Gai Pan, Chinese?

What's he going to do
with that?

Watch Bruce Lee movies
without the subtitles?

We didn't get that far. I felt faint
and he left to go buy a backpack.

Lynette, that's bad.

Well, it's just so random.

And the worst part is,
if I point that out, I'm a bitch.

Why is that?

When did being practical and realistic
become synonymous with bitchiness?

The first time a man did something
stupid and a woman pointed it out.

I know Tom. He's going to learn
how to count to 10 in Chinese,

then he'll get bored and move on to his
new dream of becoming a beekeeper.

Well, then you have no choice.
Bite the bullet and bitch.

No, she has a choice. It's entirely
possible to get what you want

without being perceived of
as a nagging shrew.

Please, sensei, instruct me
in your ancient ways.

Well, the key is to not let them know
what you're doing.

This requires observation, cunning,
and manipulation.

Isn't it just easier to shut down
your hoo-ha until he gives in?

I think that Bree is right, that the more
Tom sees you digging in your heels,

the more he's going to want to do it.

So, you wait for an opportunity
that you can use to your advantage,

while at the same time
appearing supportive.

That's your advice?

Hope an opportunity
just drops in my lap?

Might as well start shopping
for beekeeper suits.

Oh, you guys, I'm sorry. I've got to run.

Hey. I need to talk to Mike.

Oh, he's in the shower,
but I'll tell him you stopped by.

No need. I'll wait.

Orson, I'm home.

Have a seat.

So, there never was a robbery.

You took these things
hoping to hide them from me.

And though I've tried to come up
with a reason, I can't.

So I'm forced to ask the question,

"Why? Why would you do
such a thing?"

I want a divorce.

I'm sorry. I don't understand.

My lawyer says you're entitled to half

of everything we've acquired
during the marriage,

so I was trying to
hide some of those things,

since, let's face it, I paid for them.

- You've already hired a lawyer?
- Yes.

But I'm tired of all the lying
and the sneaking around,

so I will inform him that
you can have whatever you like.

I don't want a divorce.

Well, that part's not negotiable.

- Can't we at least talk about this?
- There's no point.

So, you should get a piece of paper
and start to make a list

of what it is you wish to take with you.

So, you don't want any of it?

No. All I want is out.

You know, he might be a while.

- Sure I can't help you?
- No. I need to talk to Mike.

Now, you could flush a toilet
and try to get him out of there.

You seem upset.
Has something happened?

Did Mike turn Jackson in
to lmmigration?

- No! Why would he do that?
- I don't know.

Jealousy? Jackson thinks
Mike is still hung up on me.

Trust me, Susan.
Mike did not turn Jackson in.

Shower's off.
I guess we'll know in a few seconds.

Listen!

Mike couldn't have called lmmigration
because I never told him

that Jackson was marrying you
for a green card.

Well, somebody did,
because he sent me a text

agreeing to keep paying me alimony.

That was me. I sent it.

Are you insane?
Why would you do something...

Mike has asked me to marry him.

- What?
- And I was afraid that if he found out

that you weren't really
in love with Jackson,

that he might change his mind
about me.

Okay, Katherine, that is...
It's totally unfair to Mike.

I mean, he needs to know the truth.

I can make him happy, Susan.
He just needs to get over you.

Katherine?

Please don't ruin this.

Hey, you want to just order in...
Oh, hey, Susan.

Um...

I'm glad you're here.
I have something I want to tell you.

Yeah, I... Katherine already told me
about your big news.

Oh!

Okay.

Well, I hope we have your blessing.

Yes. Sure.

Why not?

I'm sorry, Susan.

I was going to tell you myself.

Well, don't be mad at Katherine.

We all know that
she just can't keep a secret.

Wow, this place is
looking worse than ever.

Yeah, Connie's salons
haven't been doing so well.

Maybe you should take off
some of those diamonds.

You walk in there like that,
you're gonna

- make her feel bad about herself.
- Say no more.

You know, Aunt Connie's
like a second mother to me.

Why do you hate her so much?

Because all she ever does
is put me down.

If you'd pay attention,
you'd see what I'm talking about.

There's my Carlos!

- Hi, tia.
- Hi!

Are these the girls?
No, they're so grown-up.

And Gabby.

Is it just me, or do you get
more beautiful every time I see you?

No. It's not just you.

Come here, give me a hug!

- Let me see your palms.
- Gabby.

Fine. Okay.

Now, come on in.
The whole family's here.

And I've made some
of my world-famous tamales.

Aunt Connie seems nice.
Maybe she's changed.

Trash don't change, sweetheart.
She's up to something.

Now come on.
Let's go grab a lawn chair

before we get stuck on the grass
with the fire ants.

Tom Scavo, this is Mr. Cummings.

We met during your tour
of the campus.

Forgive me, but I gave you
the wrong date for the admissions test.

It's tomorrow at 8:00 a.m.
So, get a good night's sleep

and we'll see you
first thing in the morning.

Help, help, help, help...

- I'm coming, I'm coming.
- Get those there.

So, I was thinking this whole
going back to school thing

deserves a little celebration.

Really? I didn't think
you were on board.

I want to be supportive.

Let's go for a nice dinner,
get a bottle of wine.

Maybe two, since we don't have
to wake up early tomorrow.

Or, we can go to that Mexican place
that has those great margaritas.

Oh, Tom. You and tequila?
What a great idea.

Okay, everybody,
I need you to gather around.

Aunt Connie has something to say.

Gabby, come on. My tia's waiting.

Well, let her wait.
I need something to drink.

I'm trying to keep down
one of her "world-famous tamales."

Thank you all so much
for coming today.

It's been so long
since we've been together.

- We love you, Aunt Connie.
- Oh, and I love all of you.

There's nothing more important
than family.

And now,
I have an announcement to make.

As many of you know, I've battled
a weak heart for most of my life,

and the doctor now tells me that
I may only have a few months left.

Sorry. Bad heart. Floor's all yours.

As some of you know, I've been taking
care of my granddaughter,

my beautiful Ana.

Because of my condition,

I can't do it anymore,
and I need someone to take her in.

I realize that this is a lot to ask.

We would love to help out,
but Miguel just lost his job.

We're barely scraping by.

I understand. Obviously, it has to be
someone who can afford to do this.

We wish we could,
but we've got such a full house.

Maybe it should be someone
who doesn't have kids.

I know this is not going to be easy,
but we're family.

And this is what we do for each other.

- No.
- Yes.

Well, you know, we're still going
to be family tomorrow.

So, I think we should think about it
overnight and search our hearts

and try to figure out which one
of your homes is best for Ana.

Gabrielle's right. And please know that
I won't judge any of you harshly

if you decide that you cannot take care
of my beautiful granddaughter.

We love you, Aunt Connie! Yay!

- What are you doing?
- I'm helping.

I don't need any help.

And besides, my Parisian salad
doesn't call for any chives.

Yes. I've always thought
it was a bit bland.

I think the chives will give it the bite
it's so sorely lacking.

My salad has plenty of bite.

- So, when are you moving out?
- Actually, I'm not.

Excuse me?

No, I've decided to stay
so we can work on our marriage.

Am I cutting these too fine?

Orson, I understand this is a shock,
but you have to face facts.

Our marriage is over.

Once you weigh what's at stake,
I think you'll change your mind.

Well, if you're referring to
the financial settlement,

I already told you, I don't care anymore.

No, actually I'm referring
to your freedom.

I've been to jail, Bree.
Trust me, you wouldn't last 10 seconds.

- Jail?
- Yes, of course.

Well, insurance fraud
is a serious crime.

But I never filed
an insurance claim.

But I did.

- What?
- Yes.

I thought we were robbed,
so of course I did the responsible thing

and reported it. On both our behalves.

And since you rather carelessly rented
the storage unit under your own name,

I think the police will find me
completely blameless.

You'd actually send your wife
to prison?

My wife? No. My ex-wife? You bet.

But it won't come to that, darling.

I know we can get back
to what we both once had.

That will never happen.

Sure, we've had our challenges.

Your penchant for emasculation,
my kleptomania,

but every marriage
has its ebb and flow.

Orson, please don't do this.

I don't love you.

That's all right, darling.
I have enough love for the both of us.

Hmm.

Not bland anymore.

The girls are sacked out.
Can we talk now?

What's there to talk about?

You won't even let the girls
get a golden retriever,

and now you want to
take in a teenager?

It's not about what I want.
It's about doing the right thing.

This is what family does for each other.

Well, luckily, it's a big family.
Let her go live with Nina and Luis.

They have eight kids.

So what's one more?
They'll never know the difference.

You're being selfish.

No, I'm thinking about our children.
They're so happy.

Taking in a kid we don't even know?
That's a huge risk.

Yeah, it's the same risk my Aunt
Connie took for me and my mother.

When my father left, Mama and I
had nowhere else to turn.

Aunt Connie opened her home to us.
She saved us from the streets.

Yeah, and knowing Aunt Connie,
she's waited all these years

to call that favor in.
She's probably dying on purpose.

Babe, we are so blessed.

This is a chance for us to give back.

Maybe God gave me back my sight,

and all this money,
so I could help my family.

Gabby, think about it.

If something happened to us,

wouldn't you want someone
to do this for our two girls?

Okay, whoa, whoa, easy.
You're a little drunk, there.

Thanks. I love you, Lynette.

I love you, too, baby. There you go.

And I love you, Preston.

I'm Porter.

I never could tell you two apart.
But you're my favorite.

Lynette, how come you let me
drink so many margaritas?

Yeah, and why did we have to
stay till closing? It's almost 2:00.

Who cares what time it is?

We were celebrating a big change
in your dad's life.

Hey! Someone called.

Tom Scavo, this is Mr. Cummings.

We met during your tour
of the campus.

Forgive me, but I gave you
the wrong date for the admissions test.

It's tomorrow at 8:00 a.m.

Cram! I've got to crap for that test!

Oh, jeez.

They're on to you.

Those messages you sent to
my receptionist didn't fool anybody.

They've identified my body,
and now they're trying to trap you.

It's not going to work.

They can trace those signals, Dave.
They're going to find you.

It's too late. Whatever plan you had,
it went to hell when you killed me.

You should have stayed on your meds.

You don't know
what you're talking about.

I'm getting away with this.

Why would you want to?

I don't mean to criticize,
but I thought you were doing this for us.

I am. I want justice for our family.

Then who cares if you're caught?
We miss you, Dave.

We should be together.

So, what are you saying?

So, I should just walk over
and kill MJ now?

Sure, why not? And let's face it.

Your plan to take the kid to some lake
and pretend he accidentally drowned?

Boring.

Isn't it better that Susan know
why her son had to die?

I mean, the whole point is to
make her suffer, right?

That's true.

And then the whole world
will finally understand

what you've been going through.

Yeah, that's it. Good job.
One more, just like that.

- Hey. Can I talk to you a second?
- Yeah, sure.

I'm gonna get some juice,
you want anything?

No, thanks.

So, look, I'm sorry if I was
a little under-enthusiastic the other day

about you and Katherine
getting married.

I understand. You just found out
your fianc? was being deported.

The timing kind of sucked.

Yeah, that and...

I don't know,
it did kind of come out of nowhere.

Well, we have been living together.

I know, but still,
I mean, it happened so fast.

I just... I want to make sure
that you know what you're doing.

- Susan...
- I know.

And feel free to throw me out
of your house if I'm out of line,

but do you love her?

Why would you ask that?

Just answer the question.

Yeah, I love her.

Good. That's all I needed to hear.

Well, I hope that you will be
very happy together.

And I hope everything works out
for you and Jackson.

Yeah, well, I don't know
if that's going to happen.

What do you mean?
You two aren't getting married?

Oh, the truth is...

Well, it's complicated.

Hey, Susan, MJ told me you were here.

What are you guys talking about?

We were talking about you, actually.

Me? What about me?

Well, I realized that

I never properly congratulated you
on getting married.

Really?

Really.

Hey, babe, how'd the test go?

It's as though I dug down deep
and I found a new level of suck

that I never knew I had in me.

I'm sure it wasn't that bad.

Lynette,

I puked tequila in the parking lot.

I passed out twice in the essay section

and I giggled uncontrollably
when I read the word "Uranus."

Add to that, that I'm pretty sure
that I spelled "Scavo" wrong,

and it is a safe bet that I will not be
broadening my horizons anytime soon.

Hey, don't sweat it.
You wanted to learn Chinese?

We'll get you a book.

Mandarin is
a very complicated language.

You can't get
the kind of fluency you need

for the professional marketplace
from a book.

Marketplace?

That's the whole point.

China is one of the world's
fastest-growing economies.

The opportunities for someone
with my marketing experience

who can speak the language
are amazing.

I mean, we're talking beaucoup bucks.

I could have totally reinvented myself.

That's a brilliant plan.

Why didn't you tell me this?

What does it matter?

It's over.

I'm sorry I let you down.

Wow. You're getting married
this weekend?

Yeah. That's the good thing about
Vegas. It doesn't require any planning.

Oh, my gosh, you know what?

Why don't you come with us?
You could be my maid of honor.

- That's ridiculous, isn't it?
- It's sweet, but, yes, ridiculous.

And besides, MJ and I
have big plans this weekend.

Hey, Dave.

Glad I caught you. Is your friend's boat
still available this weekend?

- What?
- Well, I was thinking

about what you said,
and you were right.

It really would do me good to
get out of here for a few days.

You're right.
It would do us all some good.

Carlos. You have no idea
how much this means to me.

Knowing that you and Gabby
will be looking after my beautiful Ana.

I can finally be at peace.

Oh!

I love you, too.

And tell Gabby I said "thank you." Bye.

So, are you going to tell them
the truth about Ana?

Oh, they'll find out soon enough.

Hello?

Hi, I'm trying to reach
Roberta Simmonds.

Speaking, but barely. Who's this?

This is Claire Cormier.

Dr. Heller's receptionist.
Do you remember me?

Yeah, sure. But I'm right
in the middle of my breakfast,

so if you'd call me back around 11:00...

I just thought you might want to know
the police stopped by.

They told me that Dr. Heller is dead.

Yeah, go on. I'm listening.

Dr. Heller died in a fire
at the White Horse?

And apparently,
there was no smoke in his lungs.

Which means he was dead
before the fire started.

My guess? The person he was coming
to see is the person who killed him.

- Dave.
- Dave.

Roberta, what are we going to do?

- Go to the police.
- And tell them what?

Well, we know Dr. Heller
was a criminal psychologist,

and we're pretty sure
Dave was his patient.

I'd feel better if we had proof.

I'd feel better if I had a functioning liver,

but sometimes you have to
play the hand you're dealt.

If we walk into the police
with a half-cocked story,

they're going to
laugh us out of the station.

I don't know how, but we gotta
give them something more.

Didn't you tell me
Dave once broke into your house?

Yeah. Why?

Maybe it's time we return the favor.

You know, when you missed
your appointment on Monday,

we thought maybe
you skipped out on us.

Yeah, well, as you can see,
I was otherwise detained.

You know this guy?

No. Who is he?

Samuel Heller.
The John Doe who died in the club fire.

You sure you didn't see him
when you were in that back hallway?

No. Like I told you that night,
I was only back there for a minute.

And you didn't see anybody?

Jeez, it was a long time ago.

I was looking for the men's room,
I ran into Dave Williams, he was

- coming out of the storage room...
- Wait.

You saw Dave Williams
coming out of the storage room?

Yeah. Didn't I tell you that before?

I thought it was the bathroom, but
Dave pointed me in the right direction.

And right after that,
somebody locked you in.

Come on, you don't think
Dave did that?

I don't know.
He have any reason to harm you?

No. We're friends.

He's one of the nicest guys
I've ever met.

Well, thanks for your time,
Mr. Braddock.

Sorry I couldn't be more help.

How many times
we talk to this Williams guy?

Oh, I don't know... Four?

He ever mention anything
about being in that storage room?

He did not.

And I'm gonna catch a fish this big!

Well, if you do, we're gonna clean it
and serve it up for dinner.

And if I don't, can we eat the worms?

Just make sure he catches a fish.

Hey, Mike. I got something for you.
It's a video from our band.

One of our early rehearsals.

- Man, do I even want to see this?
- Yeah, we weren't half bad.

Don't watch it till you get back
from your honeymoon. Okay?

Will do. Thanks.

Okay. Bye, Mike.

- Have a nice wedding.
- Thanks.

- You take good care of my boy, okay?
- You can count on me.