Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 5, Episode 13 - The Best Thing That Ever Could Have Happened - full transcript

Eli Scruggs was
the handiest of all handymen.

You could ask any of his customers

and they would tell you
there was nothing he couldn't fix.

Whether it was a broken vase,

a leaky pipe,

Or a shaky banister,

Eli always knew
how to get the job done.

But sadly, the man who had fixed

so many things
for the residents of Wisteria Lane

was now about to break their hearts.

Eli Scruggs, get down from there!



Mrs. McCluskey.

Just found this note in my mailbox.
Says you're retiring? What the hell?

Yes, ma'am. It's true.

Now why would you want
to do something stupid like that?

My doc says I got a bum ticker.
Have to take it easy from now on.

Well, once I'm done fixing
Mrs. Mayer's shingle,

I'm on a plane to Waikiki.

Well, this is very annoying.

Who's going to fix my water heater
when it breaks?

Oh. I met this young guy, named Toby.
Very bright. Just turned 30.

- He'll take care of you.
- Damn it, Eli!

I am not comfortable
with strangers in my house.

- Took me 10 years to trust you.
- I know.

Most of those guys
leave tools and nails all over the place.



You never leave a mess.

Thank you, ma'am.

Have you told everyone else
you're leaving?

I left copies of that same note
in everybody's mailbox.

Well, that's not right.

After all these years,
people will want to say goodbye,

and maybe throw you a party
or something.

Oh, no. I'd prefer to go quietly,
if you know what I mean.

I don't want a big fuss.

Well, I'll miss you, Eli.

There will never be
another one like you.

With that,
Eli Scruggs climbed his ladder

for the very last time.

And once he had finished
making his last repair,

Eli Scruggs, quietly, with no fuss,
had a heart attack and died.

And, most importantly,
without leaving a mess.

It took an hour
for someone

to finally notice the body
laying atop Susan Mayer's roof.

It was less than
10 minutes later

that the neighbors began arriving,

each determined to get a look

at the various paramedics
and policemen

who were all frantically
trying to figure out exactly

how to bring the body down.

And it took two days for my friends

to realize this tragedy
had affected them...

We're ready. Come on.

...more than they were willing to admit.

Hey, Gabby, did you remember
to get change?

Because when I cash in my chips,

I don't want to hear you say,
"All I've got is 50s."

Speaking of cashing in your chips,
anyone know when Eli's funeral is?

Oh. I think it's Saturday.

I wonder how many people
are going to show up.

Mrs. McCluskey was saying
he didn't have much family.

Poor Eli. We should make sure
he's got flowers at his funeral.

I'm in. How much are we talking?

I don't know.
What do you think, Gabby?

Gabby?

Wow, Jimmy Choo!

Oh, Carlos.

These aren't even in the States yet.

What's the catch?

What are you talking about?

You never buy me a present
unless I'm mad or about to be mad.

And I don't think I am,
so why am I about to be?

- I have to go to Cleveland tomorrow.
- Carlos!

They're begging me.
The merger's going south.

You just got home!

With shoes.

Don't leave me here.
I'm going out of my mind.

Everyone is so boring and suburban.

And how many fricking
honor students can that school have?

Can we please not argue
in front of the handyman?

He has a name.

- What's your name?
- Eli Scruggs.

You hear that, Carlos?

You've brought me to a place
where people are named Eli Scruggs.

Fine, I'll give up my job.
And everything that comes with it.

Not the Jimmy Choos!

They're the only friends I've got.

Thought so. I'm going to pack.

- You know, it's none of my business...
- You're right, it's not.

...but the ladies in this neighborhood
are actually pretty nice.

Yeah, they came by, brought muffins.
One of them wants her basket back.

That'd be Bree.

Anyhow, she and the other ladies
play poker every week.

If you'd like, I could talk to them,
see if they'll let you host a game.

Hi. We're, um, the neighborhood.
Gabrielle invited us to play poker.

So, is she in?

Mrs. Solis will be right down.

She likes to make an entrance.

What does that mean, an entrance?

Hello, there. Welcome to my home.

Oh.

That's what it means.

So I said, "Pumpkin..."
That's what I call Jon Bon Jovi.

I said, "Pumpkin,
even if I could steer a yacht,

"I'm certainly not about
to do it in five-inch heels."

True story.

Well, you've certainly
had quite a glamorous life.

That was before my husband
moved me here to East Nowhere.

Seriously, I don't know
how you girls do it.

- Do what?
- Get out of bed in the morning.

I've only lived here a month
and I want to put a gun to my head.

- You know what I mean?
- No, we don't.

There are no good nightclubs,
no theater.

- What do you do for a good time?
- Well, we watch the kids play soccer.

And the school drama department
puts on some really great shows.

And then there's church, of course.

Church.

Oh, you're serious.

Look, I know it's quiet here,

but I think you'll find there's
a real charm to Fairview.

No, no, no, it's cute. It's cute. I get that.

It's just, I was a top-tier fashion model,

and I guess I'm just going
to have to get used

to the fact that the best part
of my life is behind me.

Goodbye doing vodka shots
with Kate Moss,

and hello to sipping
International Coffee with you girls.

Full house.

- Yes?
- Hello, is Mrs. Solis here?

Oh, I got it, I got it. Go, go, go, go, go.

Ma'am, here's the bill
for fixing your sink.

Okay. Thank you.

By the way, you made quite
an impression at the poker game.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

The ladies can't stop talking about you.

Oh. Well, I'm sure it was kind of exciting
for them to have a star in their midst.

Let me think, did they say "star"?

I heard, "stuck-up, obnoxious, bitch..."

What?

You know, I went out on a limb
to get you into that game.

And then you go in there acting
like you're better than they are.

My clothes said that, not me.

Well, did you ask them anything
about their lives?

Why would they want to talk
about their lives?

Their lives are boring!

Well, you know what's going
to be really boring?

You, sitting here alone
in this big house without any friends.

If I were you, I'd drop the attitude,
learn to like your neighbors.

Well, thanks for the advice.
You want to add that to your bill?

No. It's on the house.

I brought muffins.

That's so nice. We were just...

Playing poker, and I wasn't invited.
I know. I get it.

I just wanted to tell you guys,

I know I made
a horrible first impression.

Now you know why models
don't usually talk.

Because we say a lot of stupid,

patronizing things that make people
want to avoid us.

What I should have said was,
my husband's never home.

I miss the city, I miss my life.

I'm lonely all the time,

and I could really use some friends.

Anyway, here.

Now that's how you make an entrance.

- Gabby?
- I'm sorry. What?

We're getting a wreath for Eli's funeral.
Are you in?

Actually, why don't you
let me pay for it?

- It could still be from all of us.
- No, you don't have to do that.

I sort of do. Now let's play some poker.

All right, time for my luck to change.

This hand is for Eli.

Hmm. Next hand is for Eli.

You know, if we're going to have
a get-together after the funeral,

we should start thinking about food.

And by "we" and "food"
you mean Bree, right?

I thought that was clear.

I'd be happy to. Any special requests?

How about we pick something
from your cookbook?

Great. Gabby, do you have your copy?

I'll go get it.

You use my cookbook
to balance your table?

Oh, it's only temporary.
Juanita needed her coloring book back.

All right.
Watch out, ladies.

Just telling you,
I've got a pair of something.

I'm sorry if the frittata's a bit dry.

Mmm. Are you kidding? It's great.
You should give Lynette the recipe.

Yes, because that's what women
in their eighth month really crave.

More stove time.

Mine is so erratic.

I'm not even sure
what the real temperature is.

Of course, if a certain doctor
would loosen the purse strings...

We're not getting a new stove.

If you would just take on
a few more patients, we could afford it.

Well, if I'm not supporting
you adequately,

my dear, by all means,
feel free to do something about it.

- Such as?
- Well, you could maybe,

I don't know, get a job?

I have a job. I'm a homemaker.

And a damn good one.

So to make this, do you just saut?
some ham and some onions, and...

It's not happening, Tom.

I just sometimes think
maybe you would appreciate

the value of a dollar more
if you had to work outside the home.

And I think you would appreciate
my value more if, for once,

you had to cook your own food
and wash your own clothes.

Lynette makes me sew my own buttons.

I'll sew anything you want
if you just stop getting me pregnant.

I want a new stove, Rex.

And if I need to get a job to pay for it,
so be it.

If you're looking for a stove,

we've got one that's hardly
ever been used.

I wish I could say the same
for my uterus.

Oh, yeah. I ruined the brunch.

Hey, how's it looking under there, Eli?
Is it going to cost me an arm and a leg?

A few fingers, maybe.

Honey, my stomach's growling.
When's dinner?

Oh. We're having leftovers.

You can heat them up yourself
if you want.

Since when do we have leftovers?

Since I started writing
my own cookbook.

Remember how you told me
I should start making my own money?

Well, I've been going through
all my old recipes,

and I've got this great idea for
a real home-style American cookbook.

- You're not serious.
- Why wouldn't I be?

People are always complimenting me
on my cooking.

You're great. But, come on,

every bored housewife
who pulls off a decent lasagna

thinks she can write a cookbook.

You think I'm just like
every other housewife?

No, no, no, that's not what I'm saying.

It's just that,

What do you really know about writing?

I'll learn.

And I want it to be more
than just a cookbook.

I want to talk about traditional values,

and give helpful hints
about homemaking.

Look, look, this is my fault.

You know, I was ribbing you
the other day about getting a job.

And you took it seriously.

If you really want a new stove,
I'll get you a stove.

Now, can you stop this foolishness

and make me something to eat
that isn't leftovers?

Mrs. Van De Kamp? I fixed
your banister. Should be fine now.

I'll just go. You can pay me whenever.
I know this is a rough time for you.

Thanks, Eli.

By the way,
service for Mr. V was really nice.

You were there?

Yeah, I sat in the back of the church.

I wanted to say goodbye to Mr. V.

So, have you thought about
what you're going to do now?

You mean, with my life?

I don't know.

Mrs. V, I've been meaning
to give this to you for a while now,

but I could never find the right moment.

I kept it for you just in case
you might need it someday.

Hope you don't mind.

I've got to tell you,
I made your Cajun meatloaf.

That may be my favorite meal ever.

I can't believe you saved this.

Aw.

Of course, I'm not really in the mood
to write a cookbook right now.

Well, maybe one day you will be.

Hey, Bree, I know what you
can make for the wake.

That flaky-breaded-shrimp thing.

Thanks, but I know exactly
what I'm going to make.

Dave, it was a nice trip,
but I've got to tell you,

I don't know why we spent
all that money going to the Bahamas.

If we're not going
to leave the hotel room,

then why not just cover ourselves
is suntan lotion and have sex here.

You just got a message
from Mrs. McCluskey.

Oh?

She said your handyman died.

Eli? Oh, my God.

He was working on Susan's roof
and dropped dead of a heart attack.

Can you believe that?

No, no, no.
You are not going to the gym again.

You said we were going
to have afternoon sex.

We'll do it when I get back.

You say that every time, Umberto.
And then you're too tired.

Maybe I wouldn't be
if you weren't so clingy.

Clingy?
We haven't had sex in two weeks!

It's like I'm 15 again.

- What's wrong with us?
- Not us. You.

Your libido is out of control.

- Umberto.
- Look, you've got a drawer full of toys.

Use them.

Oh. Eli. I forgot you were in there.

Yeah,
I'm done fixing your faucet.

Actually, I was done 10 minutes ago,
but I was afraid to come out.

I'm sorry
you heard all of that.

The good news is, while I was in there
I re-grouted your tub. Free of charge.

Wait a second.

What do you think of my ass?

- Sorry?
- My ass. On a scale from one to 10.

- Well, I... I... I...
- Tick, tock!

Ten. It's a 10.

And the boobs? Perky and Firm?

You've named them?

Oh, come on, Eli,
my husband won't have sex with me.

I just need to make sure it's not me.

- It's not you.
- Are you sure?

Trust me,
I used to work in construction.

My buddies would have
gone crazy for you.

Cat calls, nasty gestures.

"Hey, you with the sweater meats!

"You ever need any work done, call me,

"because I've got the perfect tool
for the job."

- You get the drift.
- Yeah, I do.

That was insulting and demeaning.

Oh...

Thank you so much.

Ms. Britt? Your door was wide open.

Got the paint.
You want to check the color?

- Is everything okay?
- Things are great.

You want some wine?
We're celebrating.

- What's the occasion?
- I am no longer married to a gay guy!

Umberto was gay?

So you wasted your time installing
that light in the closet,

because he went flying out of there.

- At least you know now it wasn't you.
- Wasn't it?

He said that being married to me was
what convinced him that he liked men.

You could imagine what a boost
to the ego that was.

Come on, you've had a gay guy
sleeping with you for two years.

And those guys are pretty hard to land.

No, no, trust me. No need to be sad.

You're a knockout.

I need this hand back.

It's hard to be a handyman
without a hand.

Ms. Britt, what are you doing?

You put the mirror over my bed.
You know exactly what I'm doing.

Are you sure about this?
I don't want to take advantage of you.

Oh, I'm sure you'll be gentle.

Anyway, I guess they're burying him
on Saturday.

- Obviously, you want to go.
- Yeah. I do.

Oh. Leave that black dress out.
I'll get it dry cleaned for the funeral.

A little sexy for a funeral, isn't it?

I don't think Eli would mind.

Mom?

That's Penny. I'll be right back.

Mom!

Hey, sweetie. What's up?

You said you would help me
with my math. We're dividing fractions.

Oh.

I wish you'd caught me
two chardonnays ago.

Mom, you promised.

I know, but Mommy's
still planning Eli's memorial.

Start without me.
I'll be there in a little while.

Oh, my gosh, Lynette, are you okay?

The doctor just called. I'm pregnant.

What? This is fantastic! You...

Yeah, whoop-de-doo!

Honey, you don't sound
too happy about this.

I was planning to go back to work.

What? What are you talking about?

I had it in the back of my mind
for a while.

- And then yesterday I got a phone...
- Hold it.

Sorry. I was having trouble
paying attention.

Jeffrey Cuevas is retiring
in September.

I am the perfect person
to step into his job.

And that is exactly when Parker
starts kindergarten.

The timing is like a dream.

But what about our dream
of having a little girl?

- This could be our chance.
- Oh, please.

You know it's going to be a boy.
It's always a boy.

It's just going to pee in my face
and hide dead things in my shoes.

I am doing this, Tom.
I am going after this job.

But who's going
to take care of the kids?

Well, I was hoping you could
cut back on your hours at work.

I can't do that. I have a career.

- You did not just say that.
- No. I didn't. I didn't.

Tom, I cannot just stay
at home wiping noses.

I need it for my sanity.
And I need you to back me up.

Well, the kids are up.
They're going to want their breakfast.

And I'm going to back you up
by making it for them.

My hero.

Jeff Cuevas is fantastic,

but I know I can take his department
to a whole new level.

- What the hell is that?
- Oh, my water broke.

Take the overnight bag out to the car.

Oh. Three weeks, that's a little soon,
but, uh, sure. I could make that work.

For God's sake, Lynette!
We've got to go to the hospital.

In a minute.
I'm trying to lock this job down.

What kind of perks
are we talking about here?

Okay, you're having contractions?
That's it. Give me...

I swear, if you touch this phone,

I will have this baby right here
and then beat you with it.

You're insane. We have to go.

Could you hold on one second?

We agreed I could go back to work
after I gave birth.

After, Lynette. Not during!

I'm sorry, is there any way we could
finish this conversation tomorrow?

Oh!

Later in the day
works better for me, too.

Well, thank you very much. Bye.

Hey, I got the job!

Congratulations.

The baby's arm is sticking out,
why don't you high-five it?

Tom, I am in pain. Do you mind?

You'll see, Tom.
I know people say that you...

You can't have it all, but I know we can.

Oh, Mr. Swenson,
I can't tell you how excited I am.

Maybe you could schedule
a staff meeting

so I could hit the ground
running on Monday.

No, no. No, it can't be Friday,

because, remember, we agreed
that we would start next week.

So, again, thank you so much
for this opportunity. Yeah.

Mrs. Scavo, I think you might
have forgotten something.

Could you hold on a second?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I was on the phone,
I was talking to my new boss and, I...

She was only in there for a minute.

But it's 85 degrees outside.
I've never done this before!

Well, you've got a lot on your mind.

Three kids and a newborn,
sounds like a new job.

- Yeah, I do.
- Yeah.

That's a lot to handle. There you go.

I should probably get back
to Susan's windows. You take care.

MR. SWANS ON ON PHONE: Lynette,
are you still there? Lynette?

Hello? Are you still there?

Hey, you coming back in?

No. I'm going to go help my daughter
with her homework.

Hey, Penny! Wait up!

Yard sale!

Oh, good, you're here!

- How are you, Eli?
- Fine.

- You?
- Great.

Yeah, I haven't worn these jeans
in a while

and I found 20 bucks in the pocket!

Don't you just love when that happens?

Also, Karl left me for his secretary,
so I need you to change these locks.

- Oh. I'm so sorry.
- Oh. Thanks, but don't be.

Just hurry. Karl said he was coming by
to get some of his stuff,

and I want this place
to be a fortress by then.

- You're doing all right, though?
- Oh. Well, on one hand, I got dumped

for a pair of headlights named Brandy.

On the other,
I reported Karl's credit cards stolen

and I cut the pockets out
of all of his pants.

So, a little from column A,
a little from column B.

Oh, sorry.

Well, if it's any consolation,
redheads are nuts.

What do you mean?

She'll make his life a living hell,
which sounds like what he deserves.

Brandy's not a redhead.
She's a blonde.

So, uh, you maybe want to go
with a deadbolt this time?

What do you know?

I saw him around town
a couple times with a redhead.

Uh, people in the neighborhood
were talking. I thought you knew.

I didn't.

Would you feel any better knowing
that she's kind of chubby?

Just leave.

But what about the locks?
If Karl's coming...

Change the locks, then leave.

Okay. But I really am sorry.

Change the locks, don't talk to me,
then leave.

Susan?

Susan, did you call me?

I couldn't really understand
the message.

Oh, wow.

You want me to come back later?

Are you all right?

No, of course you're not.

I heard you and Mike
are getting divorced. I'm sorry.

Probably not what you want to hear,
but I thought you were a great couple.

Thanks. That's sweet.

Do you maybe remember
what you wanted me to do?

- Locks.
- Change the locks. Got it.

Let me go see
what I've got out in the truck.

Susan, I don't know much about love.

I've dabbled in it once or twice,

but it always seemed more trouble
than it was worth.

Told myself I wasn't missing much.

But watching you all these years,

how hard you've tried, how...

How hurt you've been,
but you still keep getting back up,

you dust yourself off
and you try again...

Maybe I am missing something.
Maybe...

Maybe it is worth it.

And I'm sure it's not going
to help for you to hear me tell you this,

but you're damn heroic to me.

You are.

Yeah.

Hey. Just dropping these off.
Finally got them cut.

Tell Jackson
I'm sorry it took me so long.

Actually, um, Jackson and I split up.

I'm sorry.

- Am I sorry?
- Oh, yeah. He's a great guy.

I just want to be alone right now.

Well, good for you.

Oh. Hey, as long as you're here,

I think there's a loose shingle
on my roof.

Do you think maybe
you could fix it for me?

Oh. I'd be happy to.

But just so you know,
it'll be the last thing I ever fix for you.

I'm retiring.

- What?
- Yep. Today's my last day.

You can't retire.
I break too many things.

I know. You paid for the trip to Hawaii
I'm going to take.

No, this is the right move.
Be happy for me.

Hey, I am happy for you.

It's just, um...
This is going to sound crazy.

- What?
- Um...

I think you have been the most
consistent male relationship in my life.

You're so stable and reliable,

and I just always thought
you'd be around.

Which is funny, because I don't
really know anything about you.

Well, how about this.

I'll fix your shingle, and when I'm done,
you can ask me anything you want.

Great! I will go to the store right now

and get some wine
so we can toast your retirement.

I'd like that. Perfect way to end
my time on Wisteria Lane.

Oh, hey. What kind do you like?
Red or white?

Either one.
Just make sure it's a screw-top.

Eli Scruggs
was buried on a Saturday.

And all the people
that Eli had helped over the years

came to pay their last respects.

But one person was missing.

Someone who had changed Eli's life
in a way he never forgot.

Excuse me, ma'am.

- Hope I'm not interrupting your day.
- Not at all. Can I help you?

I was hoping I could help you.
I'm a handyman.

Just moved into town, looking for work.

Sorry. I...
I don't have anything that needs fixing.

Well, if you ever do, uh, here's my card.

Eli Scruggs. What a distinctive name.

Well, people do seem to remember.

So if any of your friends need help,
I can do pretty much anything.

I don't know. Um...

If you have an extra card or two,
I could hand them out.

Oh, I'd really appreciate that.

Anyway, thank you for your time.

I have a broken vase.

- I'm sorry?
- I was dusting the other day,

and knocked it off the bureau
like an idiot.

Anyway, I saved the pieces.

If you could glue it
back together for me,

I'd really appreciate it.

Oh. Ma'am, you don't have to do that.

Mr. Scruggs, I need my vase fixed.

It means a lot to me.

Now you're not going
to make me beg, are you?

No, ma'am. I'm not.

Good. Come on in.

Mrs. Young?

Oh. Didn't mean to disturb you.
Your front door was wide open.

Oh.

Eli, I don't have any work for you today.

I'm just here to drop off
that handle you wanted.

Finally found one that matched.

- Want me to install it?
- Not today.

Okay. I'll just be going then.

Eli, wait.

What?

- Do you remember this?
- Oh, right.

This is the very first thing
you ever fixed for me.

Yeah, that must have been,
what, two years ago?

- I guess that glue really held, huh?
- Yeah. Yeah.

I want you to have it.

What? Why?

I've just been doing some thinking
about the people I know.

The ones who've walked into my life
and made it better than it was before.

People like you.

Anyway, I've never said thank you.

Oh, no, I'm the one
who should thank you.

You introduced me to all your friends.
My business couldn't be better.

- I'm so glad.
- Yeah.

Anyway, I want you to have this.

Gee...

Mrs. Young, are you all right?

Everything's fine.

Are you sure?

You should go now.

So, I look in the window
and there's blood everywhere.

All over the walls and the ceiling,
not to mention her hardwood floors,

which she just had installed last week.

I don't know what she was thinking.

I just wish there'd been some warning,

some sign that she would
do such a thing.

Eli Scruggs sat
in his truck for almost an hour,

devastated that he
had done nothing to save me.

He then made a quiet vow to God.

From that moment forward,

he would do what he could
to help people,

to help them fix their lives.

And for the rest of his life,
that's exactly what he did.

It was a lovely service.

Eli would've liked it.

Hell of a turnout.

Who knew he had so many friends?

I'm not surprised. He was a good man.

I can't help feeling there's more
we could have done to honor him.

Well, let's just make sure
we remember him.

Eli would have said
that's more than most people get.

And he would've been right. As usual.

Wait.

I wanted to fix something for Eli,
for a change.

And somewhere in a
place reserved for the very best of us,

Eli Scruggs smiled and said,
"Thank you."