Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 5, Episode 11 - Home Is the Place - full transcript

MARY ALICE:
Previously on Desperate Housewives.

Do you do weddings?

Oh, my goodness, are you two...

Yes, yes, we're getting married.

- Oh, my God.
- Congratulations.

MARY ALICE: Those in love
took the next step.

Or tried to.

I need more from you.

Gabby, I can see them.

That's wonderful!

MARY ALICE: Eyes were opened
in more ways than one.



KAREN: The key is this doctor guy.

Maybe we should just bite the bullet
and go to Boston.

You break up my family,
you burn down my business.

I didn't burn down your club.

MARY ALICE: And a threat was made.

Someday,
you'll be walking home from school,

and you'll just disappear.

Poof!

MARY ALICE: There are important
events in the history of every family.

Joyous births. Tragic deaths.

Sublime weddings.

But the one event every family dreads

is the moment
when they finally meet the in-laws.

Mom, this is Alex's mom,
Melina Cominis.



- It's a pleasure to meet you.
- Likewise.

And thanks again
for letting me stay here.

I just can't afford a motel right now.

Oh. Alex mentioned that you were
laid off from your job. I'm so sorry.

Oh. That's okay.
You know what they say,

"In a bad economy, the mature
cocktail waitress is the first to go."

Really? They say that?

Mom, we're going to go
get your luggage.

That way you two can get acquainted.

Thank you again for making
the long drive down from Oakdale.

- It's high time our families got together.
- Absolutely.

Now, speaking of family get-togethers,
that reminds me, I call Christmas.

- What?
- Now that the boys are getting hitched,

we're going to have to split
the holidays. So, I call Christmas.

Wait, wait, wait. This is not
how we decide family get-togethers.

What's the problem?
I'm letting you have Thanksgiving.

I'm a caterer.
I oversee events on Thanksgiving.

- It's the one holiday that I don't need.
- Great. I call Thanksgiving!

Stop that.
You can't call all the major holidays.

No one's called Easter yet. Going once.

- I am not bidding on time with my son.
- Going twice.

Melina, this is childish.

- Oh, oh. My hand's going up.
- Fine! I call Easter!

That wasn't so hard, was it?

Look, I know it's very difficult

for two families
to negotiate the holidays,

but I feel strongly that this
is not the best way to handle it.

And I'm sure that the boys
would agree with me.

Hey. I called Christmas
fair and square,

and I want to spend it with my son.

So if you go to the boys
and try and screw me over,

I'll remember that
for a really long time. Got it?

MARY ALICE: Yes, there are important
events in the history of every family.

Meeting the in-laws is one.

Look at you two. Have I told you
how great you look together? Have I?

MARY ALICE: The moment you decide
to hate them is another.

MARY ALICE: There's a lovely home
for everyone in suburbia,

and a realtor eager
to find you exactly what you want.

Whether it's something warm
and cozy.

Or something dignified and elegant.

Perhaps something affordable
with a lawn.

Whatever your taste, everyone needs
a lovely home in suburbia.

Mostly so the neighbors will never
suspect the ugliness going on inside.

(DOOR CLOSING)

There you are!

I just got the listing
for the Adams house.

And I think the best way to celebrate

is for my sexy husband
to take me out dancing.

Oh, babe, not tonight.

- What's wrong? Are you sick?
- No. No, I'm good.

- Really? Because you look like hell.
- I'm good, Edie. I just...

I just feel like staying in tonight.
That's all.

You're doing it again.

There is something upsetting you
and instead of letting me help you,

you're shutting me out.

I just don't like to talk
about my troubles.

And I don't like sitting at home
doing nothing when I feel like dancing.

Edie, I am sorry you're unhappy.

There's something
you should know about me.

I don't stay unhappy for long.

Hey. It's Jackson.

I'm having fun at the old alma mater.

But we need to talk. Only good news,
I promise. God, I miss you.

BOB: We moved here
to get away from that.

LEE: I didn't. I moved here for you.

I've got a deposition to prep for.

Well then,
I will go clubbing without you.

And I will be wearing my
"not coming home alone" jeans!

By "wearing,"
you mean squeezing into?

Damn you!

Ahhh!

- Miss anything? Need a juicy recap?
- Nope. I'm good.

Well, you just have to stick your nose
in other people's business.

I'm sorry!
If you're interested, I have dirt on Bree.

Go on.

Aha!

You're no better than I am.

- Nicely played, Mayer.
- Thank you.

- Can I go clubbing with you tonight?
- Overplayed, Mayer.

Oh. Please! I'm bored.

Mike has MJ, Jackson's out of town,

and you're going to need somebody
to bitch about Bob to.

- You do realize I'm going to a gay club.
- Yes, that's fine. Gays love me!

- Name three.
- You, Bob, Andrew.

That's two.

- Come on.
- All right, all right.

Meet at my house at 9:00.

And you might want to pile
on the makeup.

Drag queens get their first drink free.

Okay, well let's try something easier.

After you left Mr. Schilling's nightclub,
where did you go first?

Uh...

I don't recall.

Did you maybe drive somewhere?

Uh...

Okay, Porter, when the DA,
who also has this police report,

asks you these questions
and you suddenly

"don't recall" anything you said?
That's bad.

Bob, we've been going at this
for over an hour.

Why don't we take a break?

Fine. Porter, go and chill.
I need to talk to your parents anyway.

- Okay, what's going on here?
- Nothing.

You know, Porter's just nervous.

He was also nervous
when I first interviewed him in jail,

but he was still able
to keep his story straight.

Preston! Where's my CD player?

- What?
- Parker saw you take it.

Mom, please tell Preston
to stop taking my stuff.

Honey, that's Porter.

No, it isn't.

Oh. Right. Sorry.

You guys have something
you want to tell me?

Gabby, you should have come.

You missed a beautiful walk
in the park.

Mommy, look what we found.
A ladybug.

Wow. Neat. Why don't you guys
go wash your hands for lunch?

Oh. Look at her teeny black polka dots.

There are so many beautiful things
I used to take for granted

- before I lost my sight.
- Yeah. Pretty.

What? You're going to be late for work.

Yeah, about that.
I should have told you before.

What?

I don't want to give massages anymore,
so I quit the country club.

You quit? Why?

Okay, I know this is going
to sound bad.

When I was blind, I never realized
that naked people are gross.

Especially the middle-aged slobs
that belong to this country club.

Carlos, you don't just quit a job

because of a few moles
and a little back fat.

But I can find other work.

Now that I have my vision back,
the world is my oyster.

And in the meantime, I just want
to spend a few days with my daughters,

smelling the roses, soaking in nature,

like that beautiful spider right there.

God's perfect design. Isn't it amazing?

Yeah, it sure is.
I'll get you the want ads.

What's all this?

Oh. Andrew thought it would be nice
to have a formal dinner tomorrow night.

Well, if it's a formal dinner,

why aren't we using
your grandmother's tablecloth?

For Melina?
She'd probably blow her nose on it.

No, I will not let that woman
defile Nana's lace.

I know Melina isn't what we hoped for.

But let's face it, in-laws rarely are.
Need I remind you of my mother?

Well, at least Gloria had the good taste
to have a paralyzing stroke

so we don't have to deal with her.

True, that was a merry Christmas.

But Melina appears to be
in tragically good health.

Which means we've got quite a few
beer-drenched holidays ahead of us.

You have got to figure out
some way to be nice to her.

I don't know if I have it in me.
She's such a troglodyte.

Please.

No one's better at plastering on
a fake smile

and pretending to like someone
than Bree Hodge.

Mmm. You're sweet.

Hmm.

Oh, all right.
Get the lace tablecloth.

I will pretend to like this woman.

Just like I pretended to like Nana.

Bob, we're so sorry.
We meant to tell you, we really did.

- So where the hell is Porter?
- We don't know.

That's why we've been trying
to get you to postpone the hearing date

until we could find him.

Oh. We have a much bigger problem
than the hearing date.

- What do you mean?
- Well, now that I'm aware of this,

I have a legal obligation to report it.

- What? No, no, no, you can't do that.
- No!

- Hey, now my hands are tied.
- But if the judge finds out

that Porter's gone,
we have to forfeit the bail.

And since my genius wife
used our restaurant to post bond,

our only source of income will vanish.

I feel for you guys. I really do.
But I'm not getting disbarred over this.

Bob, please. We're desperate.

I'm not meeting with the DA
for another two days.

If you find Porter by then,
I won't say anything.

Thank you so much.
We are so sorry that...

Just find him.

Yeah, yeah, I'm coming.

Gabrielle Solis?

Bradley Scott, remember?

Carlos and I did some business
back in his finance days.

- Oh. Right. How are you?
- Good.

Maria and I finally got married,
I'm starting my own investment fund.

- How about yourself?
- Good, good.

I don't know if you heard,
Carlos got his sight back.

- Oh, my God. I had no idea!
- I know. Life is good.

Now all we have to do is find him a job.

Well, your timing
just might be perfect here.

- Why? You need someone?
- As a matter of fact, I do.

- Think he'd be interested?
- I don't know. I can't speak for Carlos.

It's an upper-level position
with lots of perks.

And the salary's in the high six figures.

I'm now speaking for Carlos.
He'll take it.

Great. I'd kill to have Carlos
on my team.

That man was a shark.

- Have him call me.
- Yeah.

So long, sucker.

Hello. Is Dr. Heller in?

I'm sorry, he's not. Can I help you?

Not really. See, we need to talk
to him about Dave Williams.

Dave Williams?

Yeah. Dave is a patient of his.

I'm sure you know him. Blonde hair,
blue eyes, creepier than all get-out.

I'm not in a position to confirm that.

And I don't think the doctor would
discuss his patients with you, either.

Oh. He'll talk to us.

Dave's been up
to some pretty sick stuff,

and I'm betting dollars to donuts

Dr. Heller would want
to know all about it.

- So when does he get here?
- I couldn't say.

Huh. We'll wait.

- Is that a beer?
- We're not in a position to confirm that.

- Your new shoes are pretty.
- Aren't they?

Daddy bought them for Mommy.
He doesn't know it yet.

Because he has a wonderful new job.
He doesn't know that yet either.

- Good news!
- Me, too! Me first!

Remember Bradley Scott?

I ran into him today,
and he's giving you a job.

That's nice. But that's what I wanted
to tell you. I just got a job.

(GASPS) Fantastic.

Well, you didn't sign a contract
or anything, did you?

Because maybe we can get them
into a bidding war.

Unlikely. It's at the community center.

I'm going to work with the blind.

Oh. Great.

And what's the signing bonus for that,
a cup of pencils?

I thought you were going
to get a better job.

What happened to the world
being your oyster?

It's meaningful work.

Who cares? Bradley's offering perks!

What kind of perks
is this blind thing offering?

Hmm. Let me think.
Making the world a better place?

Personal fulfillment?

Carlos, I've spent the last
five years working with the blind.

Trust me, it's not that fulfilling.

Look, when I lost my sight,
those people were there for me.

I just want to give something back.

Not to mention, Bradley Scott?

Kind of an ass.
No way I'm working for that guy.

Hi. Bradley, it's Gabby Solis.

I just talked to him and he's intrigued.

How would you like to come over
for dinner and seal the deal?

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)

SUSAN: This is so fun.
I haven't been out in ages.

Tonight, I am going
to boogie-oogie-oogie!

You really haven't been out in a while.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

- Oh!
- Go ahead. What do you want to drink?

I'll have what you're having.

Cirrhosis of the liver, coming right up.

Hey, Jackson. What? Really?

BREE: Ah!

- Here you are.
- Yeah, just taking in the scenery.

You know, we actually have
some very comfortable

patio furniture in the backyard.

Along with a place
to put your recyclables.

No, I'm good here.

Hey.

Hi! What have you two been up to?

Edie was showing us some houses.

I didn't know you two
were house-hunting.

Yes. We've got to get out
of that apartment.

- Did Edie show you the Adams house?
- She did, and it's fantastic.

And if we could figure out a way
to move it next to a toxic waste dump,

maybe we could afford it.

Holy moly, would you look
at these prices?

You know, for this kind of money,
you could come up to my town

and get a five-bedroom house
on the lake.

I'm sure they could.

It's too bad your practice
is all the way down here.

It is now.

But it's not like there aren't
sick people in Oakdale.

Who undoubtedly
already have doctors,

just like your patients
in Fairview have you.

Fine. Let them stay
in that teeny apartment.

Who cares if the other doctors
make fun of you?

You know, I think we should
talk about this.

You'd really like Oakdale.
No traffic, fresh air.

Hey, I'm open.

Maybe we can go up there
this weekend and look around.

What are you doing?

Just helping the boys
live the American dream.

I'll tell you what,

if the guys move up near me,
you can have them for Christmas.

I just wish there was some way
I could get back at Bob.

I'm so sick of his smug attitude.

"I'm the provider,
I bring home the bacon."

Well, you know what, I contribute, too.
I handle the bills, I clean the house.

I thought you had a housekeeper.

Jeez, you're an ugly drunk.

Come on, it's a joke.
What's with the face?

I just... Jackson called earlier, and...

You know, he went to Riverton
to visit his old art professor,

and she offered him a job.

That's cool.

And he wants me
to move there with him.

Oh.

You going to go?

Well, I want to be with him,
so I think I have to.

You're that serious about this guy?

Yeah. Sure. Why not?

You sure you're not just waiting
for closing time?

What does that mean?

You know, 2:00 a.m., bar's closing,

you haven't found the perfect guy,
so you settle for something like that.

Oh, crap.
Look away, look away, look away.

Lee, that is not what I'm doing.
Is Jackson perfect? No.

But I don't think there is such a thing.

And I have a history
of sabotaging relationships.

(SIGHS)

No. I'm doing this. I'm moving.

Well, congratulations to you.

(EX CLAIMS)

Uh-oh. Scary guy's coming over.
I have to throw him off the scent.

Do you mind if I grab
one of your boobs?

Oh. Knock yourself out.

(EX CLAIMS)

(MAN SNORING)

Oh!

Oh.

Oh! Jazz!

Oh, my God, why didn't you wake me?

Bob is going to kill me!
But that was fun last night!

Different, but fun. See you!

(SQUEALS)

LYNETTE: Tom, I talked to every kid
in his English class,

the entire debate team.

Porter hasn't contacted any of them.

Well, hurry home.

We've got to decide
what our next move is.

All right, I love you. Bye.

Preston, why didn't you pick up
when I called you?

- What?
- I called you like five times.

- No, you didn't.
- Yeah.

See? You're not even on my call log.

Hey! Hey!

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hey, dude, is Mom still there?

Porter? It's Mom.
Where are you? Porter?

- You know where he is!
- I don't. He won't tell me.

But you have been talking to him?
What the hell, Preston?

- I want my phone back.
- Fine.

You know what you're going
to do with it?

You're going to call your brother
and tell him to come home.

He's not coming home.
Mr. Schilling threatened to kill him.

What? What? That's why he ran away?

I thought he was afraid of going to jail.

Well, I'm sure Warren Schilling
was just trying to scare him.

It worked. Porter's terrified.

Okay. We'll get a restraining order.

I don't think that's going
to stop this guy.

I can handle Warren Schilling!

But if Porter doesn't show up for court,
we're going to lose our restaurant!

A guy threatens to kill your son,
and that's what you're worried about?

No. I'm not going
to let my brother risk his life

so you and Dad can sell pizza.

(DOOR SLAMS SHUT)

How do you sleep with someone
and not remember?

I don't know. I was drunk.

Okay, let's skip to the important part.
Who was it?

Just a friend.

Oh. Gabby, do you think I did this
subconsciously

just to sabotage my relationship
with Jackson?

- It was Tom Scavo, wasn't it?
- Will you stop guessing?

Oh, God, why won't I just
let myself be happy?

- Was it Lou?
- My mechanic? Are you crazy?

Come on, you were with a plumber
and a house painter.

I mean, let's face it,
you like your service providers.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Susan, you home?

Bob. What are you doing here?

Well, it's about Lee.
He told me he took you out last night.

Yes, we had a very nice,
uneventful evening. Why?

What'd he say,
because he was pretty drunk,

so he was probably making stuff up.

Well, he didn't come home.
He claims he spent the night here.

(CUP CLATTERING)

Oh, my God!

Oh. Hi, Gabby.
I didn't know you were here.

Never mind her. She was just leaving.

No, I think I should stay
and clean this up.

It's a huge mess.

Uh. Bob, Lee did stay here last night.

He slept on the couch
in the guest room.

- So you have nothing to worry about.
- Oh. Thank God.

I just had this awful feeling that
he spent the night with another man.

- Lee wouldn't do that. He loves you.
- I know he does.

But when he's got a few drinks in him,

he'll bang anything with a pulse
and facial hair.

(GABRIELLE
LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

GABRIELLE: Ow!

- You still haven't heard from him?
- For the 17th time, no.

Where's she get off having
all that attitude?

She's young and pretty and we're not.

- She's not that pretty.
- I can hear every word you're saying.

From all the way over there?
Boy, she is young.

Look, I'm very tired,
so I'm going to break the rules.

Dr. Heller went on some sort of trip.

He should have been back a week ago,
and I don't know where he is.

Why didn't you tell us that
in the first place?

Because it's none of your business!

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello, Dr. Heller's office.

Hey. It's David Dash. Is he in?

Did you hear that?
He should have been back by now.

Why isn't he back?

Sorry, Mr. Dash.
Dr. Heller's out of town.

What are you saying?
You think Dave had something

to do with Heller being late
from vacation?

Don't ask me why, but I've got a feeling
there's a connection.

Well, can I still get
a prescription refilled?

Sure. Dr. Lybrand's on call.

Could you see him tomorrow
around 2:00?

Actually, I've moved.

- You know what?
- What?

I'm done.

Meaning what?

I'm sure we can work it out.
What's your new address?

What, you're just going
to abandon me?

I went on this wild goose chase
as far as I could.

Don't... Please don't go, Roberta.
I need your help.

Then get somebody else.
I'm tapped out.

Roberta, wait!

Wisteria Lane. What a lovely name!

Bree, you sure there
isn't anything I can do to help?

I'm just standing here
with my thumb up my butt.

No help needed.

Certainly nothing that would require
your thumb.

Hey, sorry we're late.
We got hung up at the realtor's.

Actually, you're right on time.
We were just about to eat. Shall we?

MELINA: Excuse me.

Excuse me, Melina, that's my chair.

I just wanted to sit next to the boys.

Oh.

Well, did it occur to you
I might want to sit next to the boys?

Did it occur to you
that I already called it?

She did. She called it.
Why don't you sit here, Bree?

Guess who just called
the burnt lamb chop.

I just wanted to see
the look on your faces

when you heard my good news.

Really? What is it?

Well, I told Dr. Hardy
you're moving to Oakdale.

Thinking about it. They're thinking
about moving to Oakdale.

Not after they hear this.

Anyway, he's retiring next month,
and he thinks you'd be perfect

to take over his practice.

Are you serious?

Wow, this could be
a good opportunity for us.

Yes, a good opportunity for Andrew
to commute five hours to his job.

I don't know, Alex.
This is all happening pretty fast.

But it's the only way we're gonna
be able to afford a house.

- And if we're going to have kids...
- You're going to have kids?

Oh. This is perfect.
I can look after them for you.

Oh. Let's toast to seal the deal.
Here's to Oakdale.

I bought you the Adams house!

- What?
- What?

What?

It was going to be a surprise,
you know, for your wedding.

Unfortunately, this whole silly Oakdale
thing has forced me to show my hand.

Mom, that's too generous.

Yes, that's way too generous.
You shouldn't do that.

Oh. It's nothing you wouldn't do.

Bree, I don't know what to say
except thank you so much.

- I really love you for this.
- Oh. And I love you, too.

Orson, dear, would you pour Melina
another glass of wine?

- Calling Edie, are you?
- You know it.

Hi, honey. You remember Bradley
and his wife Maria.

They dropped by for dinner.

How fun.

Can I ask you something
about the trash cans?

Excuse me.

What is that miserable S.O.B.
Doing here?

I already took the job
at the community center.

I know.
Just listen to what Bradley has to say,

and if at the end of the evening
you're still not interested,

I support you completely. Deal?

If it'll get you off my back, deal.

After I got concessions from the union,

I laid off a third of the workforce,
outsourced another third,

and a year later, I sold the company
for twice what I paid for it.

- Wow, impressive. Huh, Carlos?
- Very.

It'll be a great story
to tell all the other CEOs in hell.

- Carlos, be nice.
- No, it's fine.

- Just taking care of my kids.
- MARIA: Yeah.

I've got a picture of them in my purse.
Want to see how many you can name?

More wine, Maria?

So, Bradley,
if Carlos were to come work for you,

what would a typical week look like?

Lots of high-end deal-making,
international travel.

Oh, yeah.
We travel all over the world together.

It is so fun sitting alone
in a five-star hotel

while your husband
is out crushing the third world

under the heel of his jackboot.

You hear that, Carlos? Five-star hotels.

Listen, Bradley.

Really appreciate the offer,
but I told you, I already have a job.

Why can't you do your work
with the deaf on the weekends?

First of all, because they're blind.

You tell him.

Honey, Bradley's right.

You could take this job and do
your charity work in your free time.

No, don't listen to her.
You are a good man.

And you are going to help people.

And even if you never end up
making a penny,

you'll be worth more
than this soulless bastard.

I work very hard to provide for you
and the kids,

and I would like a little respect.

Well, you know what I would like?
A big divorce.

So, is eye care included
in the health plan?

Because that's obviously
a big issue for Carlos.

DAVE: (WHISPERING) Daddy misses
you so much.

I'm so sorry.

Soon we'll be together, okay?

Honey pie, I miss you, too, so much.

Very soon, honey...

It's just a little, teeny, little bit longer,
my little girl.

You look so beautiful.

I missed you so much, but we're going
to be together soon, I promise you.

Just a teeny, little bit and it'll be fine,
because then we'll all be together.

EDIE: Dave?

(SCREAMS)

I'm sorry. You scared me.

Who were you talking to?

No one.

I heard you.

Edie, please.

I'm not feeling well.

- Who the hell were you talking to?
- Leave me alone!

Why did you turn down here?

I thought we were going to the store.

Mom, what is this place?

Before I became a mother,

I didn't know it was possible to love
another human being so completely.

And with that love comes this need
to protect you.

It wasn't a decision I made, it's primal.
It's just something in my DNA.

Whatever it is,
it makes me not care about myself.

And it reminds me that my reason
for being on this planet

is to look after you kids.

Why are you telling me this?

Yesterday you said Warren Schilling
will kill Porter if he gets the chance.

I will never let that happen.

Mom, where are we?

See that bar?

Warren Schilling goes
there every night.

Tonight, when he leaves,

I'm going to do what I have to,
to make sure my family is safe.

So...

I need you to get out now.

You can't be in the car
when this happens.

Are you serious?

You're going to run him over?

Like I said, it's in my DNA.

(BAR DOOR OPENS)

That could be him. Get out.

- Get out! Get out!
- Okay! Stop it! I get it.

I'll call Porter and tell him he doesn't
have to worry about Mr. Schilling.

And you will convince him
to come back home.

Shut the door.

So, remember how you said
I just had to hear Bradley out,

and then whatever I decided,
you'd support me?

Well, you may be surprised,
but I am ready to render my decision.

Let me lay it out for you.

Either I do something fulfilling,

where I help other people
and feel good about myself.

Or I take a job I hate,
where I make a lot of money,

but it eats my life and crushes my soul.

Hang on. Before you do that,
let me lay it out for you.

Either you let your family
continue to sacrifice

so you can feel good about yourself.

Or you grow up and make real money

and look after us
like we've been looking after you

for the past five years.

You know what these jobs
are like, Gabby.

I'd never be home, and when I was,
I'd be tired or irritated.

It will take a toll on all of us.

It took a toll on us when
we couldn't pay the gas bill, Carlos.

It took a toll on us when Juanita
was sent home from daycare

because the check bounced.

But I handled it.
And now it's your turn to handle it.

Gabby, please don't make me do this.

Bradley? Hey, it's Carlos.

Well, I've done some thinking,
and I actually...

I want that job if it's still on the table.

Yeah, I was surprised, too.

Sounds great.

See you Monday.

(OPERA MUSIC PLA YIN G)

Hey, Susan. I just made tea.
Come on in.

Lee, well, there's just
no graceful way to ask this,

so I'm just going to say it straight out.

When you spent the night,
did we get it on?

Gods, no. Are you insane?

So nothing happened between us?

Hello? Gay!
Listening to opera in a kimono!

What more do you need to know?

Oh, thank God.

You know, when I woke up
next to you yesterday,

I just didn't know what to think.

But why would you think that?

Because you were mad at Bob,

and I told you about how
I sometimes sabotage my relationships.

Ah. Well, you didn't.
Not this time anyway.

(EX CLAIMS DELIGHTEDLY)

Now I can move in with Jackson
with a clear conscience. Good. Good.

Wait, so I just...

I have to ask, why exactly
are you moving in with Jackson?

Because he loves me.

Do you love him?

I'm getting there.

Don't you think maybe you should wait
until you've arrived?

Mike and I will never get back together.
I know that now.

And I really need to move on
with my life.

You know moving on doesn't have
to mean moving in.

Jackson has made it pretty clear
that he doesn't do good

with long-distance relationships.

- I could lose him.
- So lose him.

I'm not good alone.
I need a man in my life.

Why? We're so useless.

But you are fun to dance with.

I think you should tell Jackson
you're not ready.

And if he ends up leaving, then, hell,
I will dance with you.

At least until someone better
comes along. How does that sound?

If this is your attempt
at bedding me again, Miss Mayer,

I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Come on, man,
Mom really wants to talk to you.

Just for five seconds.
Do it for me, okay?

Sweetie, where are you?

I don't want to tell you.

Porter, you have got to come home.
Everything will be fine. I promise.

How? Either Warren Schilling kills me
or I end up in jail!

We can get a restraining order
to protect you,

and Bob thinks there's a good shot
at getting the case dismissed.

You know, I've been reading
the Fairview papers online.

Everybody thinks I did it.

There is not a shred
of evidence against you.

When people see that,
they will be on your side,

just like we are.

Sweetie, you have to trust me.

I do trust you, it's just I...

Don't fall for it, kiddo.

I trusted her once,
and look where it got me.

Good morning.

Is it? I didn't get a lot of sleep.

Hey, about last night, I'm sorry.

Let me stop you right there.

I don't need an apology.
I need an explanation.

And if you can't give me one,

I'm thinking we're finished.

Look, I'm just stressed out.

Stress doesn't make you talk to people
who aren't there.

What is going on?

Okay.

Before we met,
I was married to someone else.

But she died.

And last night,
she was sort of on my mind.

(EX CLAIMS IN SURPRISE)

You were married before?

She's dead, Edie.

- What does it matter?
- Oh. It matters.

You have until tonight
to get your things together.

Then I want you out of my house.

MARY ALICE: Everyone needs a
lovely home in suburbia.

Mostly so the neighbors will
never suspect what's going on inside.

Behind these freshly painted walls,

you will find parents
wracked with guilt,

wives tired of struggling,

lovers who have been lied to.

Yes, everybody needs
a lovely home in suburbia.

If for no other reason
than to have a place

to come home to.