Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 4, Episode 16 - The Gun Song - full transcript

Susan gives birth; Bree and Katherine do some self-defense shooting; Kayla pushes her plan to destroy the Scavo family into full force.

Previously on...

adam was finished with katherine...

please get rid of that gum.

But dylan's father came back.

- Bye, sweetheart.
- Bye, dad.

I tricked you into
thinking dylan was yours.

I finished that D.N.A. You wanted, and your
suspect's not related to the victim at all.

Gaby and carlos were
forced to go to the police.

Are you sure it was cocaine?

Carlos, I was a fashion
model in the '90s.

I know cocaine.

Just give me what I want...

and lynette...

or you're not gonna like what happens.

was pushed to her breaking point.

coffee mugs to the contrary, lynette scavo knew
that she was not the world's greatest mother.

In fact, when it came to parenting, lynette
had done many things she was not proud of...

like the time when she offered parker cash
if he agreed to eat all of his spinach...

or when she told the twins there was
treasure buried benea the weeds...

or when she gave her kids a little extra
cough syrup so she could finish her novel.

But despite these lapses...

lynette didn't think of herself as
the worst mother in the world either,

until one horrible day.

Since when do you make waffles?

Well, kayla loves waffles, and since she
and I have been having some problems lately,

I wanted to do something nice for her.

oh, you tell kayla
her breakfast is ready.

My name is fern parrish. This is my
colleague, irene semanis. we're from c.P.S.

Uh, one sec.

Preston, you might wanna stop
dropping your waffle on the floor,

'cause I'm still gonna make you eat it.

So, uh, what's C.P.S.?

Children's protective services.

For what it's worth, I keep
my floors incredibly clean.

Mrs. Scavo, we recently received a
report of some abuse in your home.

Abuse? That's ridiculous.

Well, we got a call
from a dr. Joshua dolan?

It seems he was contacted
by your daughter kayla.

Who says you hit her... repeatedly.


first, I'm not that kind of mom.

And second, kayla has a
tendency to... exaggerate.

We also have a security
tape from a clothing store.

It shows you slapping a
young girl across the face.

We're assuming that's kayla.

Have a seat. I'll be
with you in a second.

Yes, lynette scavo was not
the world's greatest mother.

but in her heart, she knew she
had done the best she could...

giveN... what she had to work with.

Desperate Housewives
Season04 Episode16-17

"Lynette"-- it's how the
french describe "a pretty one."

"Katherine"-- coined by the
ancient greeks, it denotes "purity."

"Gabrielle"-- a hebrew word
meaning "god is my strength."

"Bree"-- it's an irish
name that means "power."


every name has a single
specific meaning...

which is why parents
have trouble choosing one

for someone who means
everything to them.

What about "philip"? I like "philip."

Oh, I know you do.

I don't, and neither does the baby.

Philip? Oh, phil? See?
Nothing. Not even a burp.

Here's a thought. How about "nathaniel"?

All right, that's the fourth time you've
tried to sneak "nathaniel" past me.

I'm putting "peyton" back on the table.

I am not naming my son
after a quarterback.

All right, here's the
rest of my list. Lucas.

It sounds like "mucus."

- Mitchum.
- Like the deodorant?

- Unitas.
- Oh, give me that.

Well, we need new inspiration.


I like it. Who is he?

He's a guy who...
"killed six, then self."

Well, I give up.

He's not gonna get a name.

When we want him to come, we'll
just whistle and say, "here, boy."

Dr. Conner. Paging dr.
Conner. Please call admitting.

- Conner.
- I love it.

Me, too.

oh, you finally have a name.

Dr. Conner delfino.

I'm going out to the
mall. You wanna come with?

Oh, no, thanks. I gotta make sure
my handyman gets his wiring done.

He screwed it up the last time.

You realize we could've had a fire?

Sorry, mrs. Solis.

All right, then. See you later.

and... she's gone.

Great. Let's break into her room.

As soon I finish this, I'll start
placing bugs in the other rooms.

Well, isn't her room enough?

She has a prepaid cell
phone, so we can't tap it.

Our only hope at nailing her supplier is to
record every conversation she has in this house.

Well, how long is that gonna take?

We got a tip that she's
expecting a delivery this week.

So it won't be long before miss leonard learns the
joys of a little girl-on-girl action in a prison shower.

okay, first of all, you're a pig.

Second of all, don't say things
like that. Ellie's my friend.

Yeah, well, your friend is
a drug dealer, I.E., Scum.

You don't even know her.

Okay, yes, she's made some bad choices,
but deep down, she's a good person.

Yeah, well, deep down,
I hope she rots in jail.

Okay, when this thing is over, let's
not do the whole christmas card thing.

is that your husband?

No, he's at braille school.


Oh, ellie!

What the hell are you doing in my room?

We weren't expecting you back so soon.

I forgot my wallet.

Again, what the hell
are you doing in my room?

Well, we needed some privacy.

See, roy and I are lovers.

You're having an affair
with your handyman?

I know, it's crazy.

You wouldn't believe the passion.

I mean, I was powerless to resist.

just-- just get
out of my room.

Okay, okay. We're going.

that's for using your tongue.

Lots of people do missionary work, but few have
the guts to smuggle bibles into north korea.

It is my distinct pleasure to
welcome back, after four long years--

reverend michael green.

thank you for that
glorious introduction, joe.

Well, it's good to be back.

Now if you'll all please stand and
offer each other the lord's peace.

peace be with you, breE.

I reject your peace, and i
demand you stop stalking me.

I'm doing no such thing.

Really? So I just happen to run into you at the
dry cleaner, the greengrocer, the post office?

We shared a life together.

It's only natural we'd
frequent the same places.

Oh, please. I saw you at my nail salon.

There's nothing in the bible that
says a man can't enjoy a nice pedicure.

Orson, hear me when
I say this. It's over.

You have done unconscionable things
for which I can never forgive you,

and no amount of flitting about in my
peripheral vision is going to change that.

But there must be something I can do.

You know I've repented.
We--we can get past this.

I know no such thing. Now be
quiet. I'm done talking to you.

Bree, so nice to seeou again.

Peace be with you.

And also with you.

do not give this man peace.

You shouldn't keep your
doors unlocked, kathy.

Why do you think they call
'em "crimes of opportunity"?

What do you want?

Dylan used to have a big old scar
right here, and now it's gone.

I'm just curious how
you would explain that.

Never too early to
start drinking, is it?

She fell off her bike.
11 stitches. I remember.

I took her to a plastic surgeon in chicago
'cause I didn't want her to feel self-cscious.

Well, that's pretty convenient.

What are you suggesting, wayne?

Something's not right.

I felt it from the moment
that I laid eyes on her.

I just don't see myself in her at all.

I told you. She's not yours.

Yeah, but I don't see you in her either.


let's just settle this once and forll.

Take a D.N.A.Test.

All I need is one strand of hair.

Knock, knock. Is this a bad time?

No, not at all.

great, because we are here to
throw ourselves on your mercy.

We are having a commitment ceremony in
five days, and our caterer just canceled.

We know it's short notice.

Totally understand if you say no.

Nonsense. I'd love to do it.

Why don't you have aeat,
and we'll talk details?

I'm sorr iF... you're
busy, can come back later.

No, no. No, that's okay. You stay.

I'll come back later.

Lynette, I'm sorry.

When I'm told about a suspected case of
child abuse, I am bound by law to report it.

Okay, so what happens now?

I'm just trying to help
C.P.S.Finish their investigation.

They'll intervieyour kids, their
teachers, possibly some of your neighbors.

My neighbors? God! I
could strangle that girl.

Honey, you might wanna stop
saying things like that.

Look, for the next few days,
let tom handle the kids.

Any other problems between you and kayla
could jeopardize custody of all your children.

Wait. They could take my children?

No one's taking anyone.

You have got to be kidding me!

This is all a big misunderstanding.

I'm sure that we can work this out.

So what do I need to do to keep my kids?

well, there are a lot
of things you can do.

First, no physical discipline...

Bob liked the idea of the
onion and white asparagus tart.

Wonderful! With a little goat cheese.

Oh, and lee asked for stuffed mushrooms.

those with roasted green
beans as our side dishes.

nice tight grouping.

You are not rusty at all.

Thank you. Felt good.

Although I always, uh,
like a trip to the range,

is there any particular reason
we came here for party planning?

Well, with adam gone, I've
just been feeling a little...

uneasy lately.

It's funny how having a man in
the house can make you feel safer,

no matter how retiring or
easily spooked he might be.

That's true.

I just need to feel that if an intruder
broke in, I could take care of it...


You really want to be effective?

Try hollow points.

These rounds you've got punch straight
though, but a hollow point blooms on impact,

cuts the body to shreds from the inside.

Sounds exactly like what I need.

Now... let's talk desserts.

I just got a call from
my mom. My grandpa died.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I know how much you loved him.

Well, actually, I've
been thinking about it.

I know we settled on "conner," but I'd, uh,
I'd like to name our son after my grandfather.

Well, yeah, um, I mean, "conner" is
just a name we picked out of thin air.

This would mean something.

So you're okay with this?

Think it's a beautiful way
to honor your grandfather.

I mean, "james" wouldn't be my first
choice, but it's a good, solid name.

No, grandpa james is my dad's
dad. This is my mom's--maynard.

Oh, right. Maynard.

Oh, that's awful... that he died.

Why didn't we think of this before?

It's such a beautiful southern name.

Oh, and rare, really rare.

And you're right. It's a great
way to honor my grandfather.

Yeah. I said that, didn't I?

Oh, shoot. We can't do it.

Isn't your grandpa james significantly
older than grandpa maynard?

Shouldn't we honor him first?

But grandpa james isn't dead.

You sure? It's worth a phone call.

Actually, I've got a cousin who's named
after him already, so we're covered.

thank you, susan. This
really means a lot.

I'm gonna go call my mom.

Forgive me.

Don't look at me like that.
His grandfather just died.

Lunch is almost ready.

I'm making your favorite.

I take it you're still mad at me.

Well, yeah. I just don't get
why you broke into my room.

Well, I couldn't risk
doing it in my room.

Ever since carlos went blind, he's
developed a strong sense of smell.

I don't know if you happened to catch a
whiff of roy, but that is one telltale odor.

Well, that's another thing, you know?

What do you see in that guy?

Uh, you know, he's a handyman.

He knows how to... get in there...

and make stuff work.

But he's a zero, and
carlos is so fantastic.

Don't you love him?

Of course I do.

Carlos solis is the love of my life.

But, you know, sometimes you get bored,

and a big, greasy, disgusting
handyman really hits e spot.

adam, what the-- you
scared me half to death.

Sorry. I let myself in.


Dylan told me wayne's back.

- Why didn't you call me?
- Because I'm handling it.

Yeah, she told me about
the shooting range, too.

You sure that's the
best way to handle it?

Adam, you made it very clear
that you were done with me.

But I'm not done with dylan, and if
wayne's back, then I'm gonna protect her.

So maybe I should pay him a
little visit, scare him off.

If you'd ever met
wayne, you'd know better.

Well, then let's get dylan out of town.

I tried. She said she's not leaving.

Well, I...

I promised her a trip for graduation, just
the three of us, anywhere she wanted to go.

Okay. But what happens
when the trip's over?

Won't we just be at square one again?

Not if we don't come back.

Oh, susan. He's adorable.

he's so precious.

So it's been two days now.

Did you and mike finally land on a name?



- Interesting.
- It has a very distinct ring.

Okay, drop the act,
ladies. I hate it, too.

Mike insisted that we name
him after his dead grandfather.

How did he die? Was he beaten to
death 'cause his name was maynard?

I know. It's terrible,
but I can't change it now.

Mike was so emotional about it.

Well, then appeal to
his sense of reason,

because the name "maynard" doesn't
go with the name of "delfino."

One is german and the other is italian, and we all
know what happens when those folks get together.

Well, I'm not sure that the world
war ii argument is gonna fly.

Come on. You have to do something.

I mean, that name is
practically abusive.

Yeah, think about your son.

People live up to the
names they're given.

If my parents hadn't named me "gabrielle,"
who knows if I'd be this pretty?

I guess that's why they
didn't name you "einstein."

So sarcastic, but what would
you expect from a "lynette"?

what? If your name was "francesca,"
you wouldn't have time for sarcasm.

You'd be too busy having sex on a vespa.

You're right. My son's future is
at stake. I have to do something.

Maybe not. We call gabrielle "gaby."

I mean, perhaps there's a shortened
version of "maynard" you could live with.

Yeah. Which says "kick my
ass" less-- "may" or "nerd"?

what's going on?

Lynette scavo, I'm
placing you under arrest.

What? Why?
Wh--for what?

Kayla showed us the
burn mark on her arm.

Burn mark? What burn mark?

- You see? She doesn'tnow anything about this.
- Okay, sir.

- Now please, if we could just go back and talk about this...
- That's enough.sir, enough!

Ma'am, you're gonna
have to come with us.

- Tom.
- Okay, you know what? I'm gonna go call the attorney.

I--okay. Look, look,
I-I will come with you.

Please, just don't handcuff
me in front of my children.

Well, you should have thought of
that before you hurt one of them.

Lynette scavo, you have
the right to remain silent.

If you give up that right, anything you say can
and will be used against you in a court of law.

You have the right to have an
attorney present during questioning.

If you do not have one, we
will appoint one for you.

Well, I'd--I'd be delighted
to speak to them, bree.

Perhaps I can tell 'em the story about the
time I evaded the north korean border patrol

by hiding in a pile of oxen dung.

they'll love that.

This is gonna be the
best seniors' brunch ever.

I'm so glad you're back.

Between you and me, reverend sykes tended to
pander to the congregation's progressive element.

I prefer your more muscular
brand of christianity.

Well, thank you, bree.

I thought of you also.

I'm so sorry to hear about rex's passing,
but I understand that you remarried.

I did, but, um, I'm afraid
it hasn't worked out.

It's been rough.

For what it's worth,
I know how you feel.

When carolyn left me, the
loneliness was crippling.

I didn't know she left you.

Yes, for our korean grocer.

I'll tell you, sometimes this merciful
god of ours has one sick sense of humor.

Hartman, table for
4, 7:30. See you then.

- Table for one?
- yes.


Is everything all right?

Oh, this is a bit awkward, but
my soon-to-be ex just walked in.

He's been following me everywhere.

For ace, 8:30 P.M. All right.

Would you mind terribly
if I took your hand?

Maybe that way, he'll finally
get the idea that I've moved on.

My hand is at your service.

right this way, sir.

Will you be needing a wine list?

actually, I...

think I'll be needing a new restaurant.

Ah, it worked. thank you for that.

It was my pleasure.

The bail bondsman said he has to run a
credit check, then he'll wire the money.

So after you've been
processed, you can leave.

And go where?

I can't get within 500
feet of my children.

Are you not up to speed on
the people vs. Lynette scavo?

We'll figure something out.

Mrs. Scavo, it's time to go.

No, you'll figure something
out. I have to go bk to my cell.

Honey, I am so sorry about this.
Look it, just hang in there.

It's only gonna be a couple
more hours at the most.

How can you talk like that?

What else has to happen for
you to get what's going on here?

I do get it.

But kayla's my daughter, so I'm trying to deal
with this in a way that protects our family.

No, you are trying to stay on the fence while
I fight to stop kayla from destroying us.

But look around you,
tom. Look where I am!

You have got to do something now.

Fix this.

well, thank you for a
lovely evening, bree.

You know, it's funny.

I don't think I'll be able to look at
you as just another parishioner anymore.

Now, now. We mustn't play favorites,
although I will take that as a compliment.

Well, take this as a compliment as well.

Your eyes glimmer like the
yalu river on a moonlit night.

How, um, colorfully put.

what does that mean?

I want you.

Reverend green!

When you took my hand in that restaurant, I could
feel the electricity, and I know you felt it, too.

No, I told you. I was only
trying to send a message to my ex.

Oh, please. There's always
been sexual tension between us,

ever since palm sunday 1996, when
we both reached for the same frond.


Bree, if I took no for an answer, kangwon
province would still have 242 unsaved souls.

Well, now you're sending
out mixed signals.

Then let me send you a clear one.

I am not attracted to you.

Oh, nice.

First, you use me, then you reject
me, and now you're insulting me?

Maybe you should go now, mrs. Hodge.

Oh, reverend green,
please don't be upset.


Ellie, can you help me for a sec?

Sure. What'S...

I spilled my milk again.

Don't worrY. I'll clean it up.

God, I'm so sick of knocking crap over.

I don't know how gaby puts
up with me. She's a sai.

Yeah, well...

"well," what?

- hey, sweetie.
- Hey, whore!

Excuse me?

I know all about your
affair with the handyman.

Ellie told me everything.

that little snitch.

I can't believe she did that!

Well, thanksor letting me know.

Uh, hello?

Are we even gonna talk about this?

Yeah, the second that bitch gets
home, I'm gonna let her have it.

Boy, you trust someone,
and they just betray you.

It sucks, you know?

Yeah, I know!

Gaby, you cheated and you got caught.

Now will you please hand me a plate
so I can smash it against the wall?

Oh, you moron! There was
no affair! That was the cop.

Ellie caught us putting
the bug in her room.

That was just an excuse
we used as a cover.

And you expect me to believe that?

I got news for you,
carlos. You're blind.

You don't have a choice anymore.

You have to believe what I tell you.

Just like when I hand you the deodorant,
you have to believe it's not oven cleaner.

I know it's not fair.

I know it gives me
absolute power, but tough.

You're screwed. Deal with it!

Are we good?

- Okay.
- Thank you.

Now please, I just lost a friend.

Stop being so insensitive.

pastor joe.I noticed that
there are no programs.

Oh, yes. Reverend green decided to
change today's scripture reading.

It's going to be colossians 3:5.

Oh, he wants to talk
about sexual promiscuity?

Well, it was a last minute thing.

He came in this morning muttering about some "redheaded
harlot" in our midst who needs to be unmasked.

I don't know. I was just so relieved he
was off the koreans, I didn't ask questions.

Excuse me a minute.


Sorry. I know this is a bad time.

Aren't you bree hodge's ex-husband?

No, I'm her current husband, and I need
to speak to you about today's sermon.

they're a little late getting started.

I know, and reverend green is usually
such a stickler for punctuality.

Well, I don't mean to be rude, but I don't
think my sermon is any of your business.

Let me put it this way.

If you say anything about bree,
you and I are gonna have a problem.

Well, I'm sorry you feel that way,

but I think it's my duty
as pastor to warn my flock

when a temptress sits among us.

Now if you'll excuse me.

what the hell's the matter with you?

I'm not going to let you go out there
and trash that good woman's name.

"Good woman"? She led me on.

who are they talking about?

she's a flame-haired jezebel!

you're insane!

- She is the most moral person I know!
- I have no idea.

- Now if you'll please excuse me.
- would a moral person lead a man on and then humiliate him?

I don't care what she dido you.

I am not going to let you publicly
declare that bree hodge is a slut!

oh, dear lord.

then again, I suppose i could
preach about tolerance today.

orson. orson.

Hello, maynard.

I love you, maynard.

My sweet little... may may.




I need to change the name on
my baby's birth certificate.

- Okay, last name?
- Delfino, maynard.

Where's the father? You
both need to sign this.

Working. Busy, busy, busy.

Uh, but he told me to tell y
that he's totally cool with it.

Well, I'm busy, busy, busy, too.

So when he's available, you can come
on back, and we'll make the change.


I'm just gonna level with you.

My husband picked the name,
and I think it's horrible,

and I know over time, he's gonna agree.

I don't care. Rules are rules.

You gotta helpe out here.

I'm just trying to protect my child.

I don't want him to go through life
saddled with the name "maynard."

I don't see what the big deal is.

Well, of course, you
don'T. You're vanessa.

You went through life
with a beautiful name.

That's why you have such
a crackerjack personality.

I think we're done here.

I have a couple errands to
run. Will you cover for me?

- No problem.
- Thanks, griselda.


that must have been a tough name
to take out on the playground.

Yeah. Actually, it was.

we should talk.

I'm, uh, here to check on orson hodge.

An ambulance brought him
in less than an hour ago.

Are you family?

I'm his wife.

Well, he's going to be fine.

The's no concussion, but the doctors do
wanna keep him here for a couple of hours.

Should I tell him that you're here?

No, that's all right. Let him rest.

But please take excellent care of him.

He's a good man.

Gaby, can I talk to you?

About how you snitched on me to carlos?

No, thanks. I'm all caught up on that.

I'm sorry, but I know from experience
what cheating can do to people.

Let me guess.

This story ends with you throwing your
boyfriend's varsity jacket in the lake?

When I was 13, my dad caught my mom
having an affair, and he walked out on us.

We had nothing, okay?

My mom went crazy, and
I ended up on the street.

To survive, I...

I had to do a bunch of
stuff that I'm not proud of.

oh, ellie, I'm so sorry.

I had no idea.

What have we got here?

That's our guy.

the point is, the one bad
decision can me up a lot of lives,

and I just don't want that to happen to
you and carlos 'cause I love you guys.


Supplier's coming your way.

We're gonna arrest them
both, so get out of there now.

Okay. Bye.

anyway, I didn't mean to
get into a whole thing.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

the cops are coming. Go.


police! Drop the bag! Drop the
bag! Hands behind your head.

It's a sting. Go out the back now.


Mom said you wereoming tonight.

Oh, I wouldn't miss it for the world...

- So you better be on your "a" game.
- Okay.

And we're all going
out to dinner afterwar.

Adam wants to tell you about
your graduation present.

What? What is it?

No, no, no. You gotta wait,
but I'll give you a clue.

I hope your
passport's up-to-date.

yeah, no. It's--it's
okay, andrew.

You can, uh, you can just-- you
can finish it in the morning.

Great. See ya. Bye.

Need some help with that?

I didn't think you liked puzzles.

I can give it a shot.

I need to talk to you...

about lynette.

I'm soy I had to call dr.
Dolan, daddy, but she scares me.

Yeah. You said that before,
but here's the thing.

They're gonna let lynette
go soon, and when they do,

you guys aren't gonna be able to
live in the same house anymore.

You--you know
that, right?

So where is she gonna live?

Like, in a hotel or something?

She lives here, kayla, with
me and the boys and penny.

- This is her
home. - But--

but don't worry.We're gonna
find you a nice place to live.

Daddy, I don't wanna go anywhere.

I wanna stay here with you.

I don't have a choice, kayla.

I need to keep you safe.

But I made it all up.

I lied about everything.

I burned myself.

And why would you do that, kayla?

I hate her.

And it's so much better
when it's just us.

I see.

And you'll explain all this to the
police and dr. Dolan and everybody, right?

Yes, promise.

And then I can stay, right?

No, sweetie. No.

What you did was horrible,
and I can't trust you anymore.

Then I'm gonna keep lying to everybody.

You don't want that, do you?

Did you get all that, dr. Dolan?

I'm gonna go stretch my legs
and check my service real quick.

- Okay, but intermission's only ten minutes.
- Yeah.

excuse me.

Could you give me a hand?

- What's up?
- Nail in my tire.

I gotta change it now 'cause I need
to leave after my daughter's solo.

I'm--I'm catching
a red-eye.

Yeah, sure. I can help.

Oh, thanks. I'm right over here.

this thing's really flat.

Usually with a nail,
you get a slow leak.

Yeah. I'm lucky I even made it here.

Well, I got this. You grab the spare.

My daughter's the one that plays the
cello. Which one is your daughter?

That the other thing
I need your help with.

Oh, honey, can you get all my
toiletries out of the bathroom?

What are those?

Well, it's cute, aren't they?

It's a hospital tradition.

get them out of here now.


because my husband is
terrified of balloons.

He was once molested by a clown.

- Oh, my gosh.
- oh, I got it.

what's going on?

I'm sorry, sir. We didn't
know about the clown.

Why does that say "conner"?

Is that what it said?

We had "maynard" ones printed up, but mrs.
Delfino... Went to the records office...

susan... what's going on?

Well... I hate the name "maynard."

- Really?I like
it- - get out.

I'm sorry. I...

I just want our d to have a great name.

I don't think "maynard" is great.

You wanna know what is great?

my grandfather...

started the first integrated
elementary school in tennessee.

And you know what else is great?

When my dad went to prison, the
state wanted to put me in the system.

My grandfather wouldn't let 'em.

He took in my mom and me
and sacrificed everything

just to make sure we had a great life.

I didn't know about that.

Susan, I don't want to
just give our son a name.

I want to give him
someone to live up to.


Let's hope he's worthy.

well, that part's up to us.

Well, that's all of her things.

Well, we should probably get going, hmm?

We found a hotel with
a pool for tonight.

Maybe you and grandpa can go swimming.

Sheila, can I talk to her for a sec?

honey, I know this is hard on you.

but I'm gonna come visit you at
grandpa and grandma's all the ti.

So it's not like it's good-bye forever.


I'm sorry how everything turned out.

No, you're not.

Okay, then.

I love you, baby.

Have a safe trip.

daddy! I'm sorry!

daddy, I'm sorry! Please!

Daddy! Please!

What's in a name?

Do the labels we attach to people
tell us everything we need to know?

If we say she's just a child, does
this mean she's truly innocent?

Does calling her a drug
dealer prove she's purely evil?

Will a man known as "preacher"
always practice what he preaches?

Can a man branded a villain
possess the qualities of a hero?

The truth is, a name can never
really tell you who someone is...

who are you?

Any more than it can tell
you what they're capable of.

I'm wayne davis...

and we're about to have some fun.

The Next Morning

it had been 14 years since katherine
mayfair had been in a police station,

but she remembered the
conversation like it was yesterday.

Would you like some water, honey?



I take it this isn't the first
time your husband's hit you?

He keeps promising to stop,
but it just gets worse.

And I'm afraid he's gonnado
something to my daughter.

Please, you have to help me.

Have you reported him before?

Once, but when I called, they said
they couldn't find the paperwork.

Your husband's wayne
davis, one of our patrolmen.

Want some advice?

Wayne's got a lot of
friends around here.

Of course you can press charges, but...

I can't guarantee that one of his
friends won't lose the paperwork again.

Then what should I do?

Get as much money as you can lay
your hands on, grab your daughter...

and run.

And so she did...

to a place she thought would be safe.

Mrs. Mayfair?

I'm detective romslo. Can I help you?

Why exactly would you think
that dr. Mayfair was kidnapped?

No one in the school parking lot
heard or saw anything suspicious.

That's because the man
responsible for this--my ex--

knows a little something
about how to commit a crime.

He's a cop.

What's his name?

Wayne davis.


well, it's just, uh...

I know wayne.

We've hung out together.

He's a hell of a golfer.

Well, believe me when I tell you
he wasn't a hell of a husband.

Is that what this is about?

Some payback for an
ancient domestic dispute?

Please. You have to do something.

Because once wayne is done with
adam, he's going to come after me.

And this time, he's
gonna kill me. I know it.

I'll look into it.

If you would just, uh,
fill out this paperwork...

in that moment, katherine knew
exactly what she had to do...


Mom, stop. You're not making any sense.

There's no time. Wayne is
coming. He took adam. We're next.

But why? Why would he do that?

And if we're in so much danger, then
why aren't we calling the police?

The police will not help. Dylan,
please! Go pack your things.

We need to be gone before he gets here.


I'm not going anywhere until
you tell me what's going on.

Why do I have to be afraid of my father?

Katherine mayfair had been running
from the truth for a long time...

okay. I'll tell you.


Dylan. Dylan, I'm sorry.

- I had no choice!
- No!


And it had finally caught up with her.

There's a ritual my friend
have observed for years.

Once a week, they meet to play a game
of cards and talk about their lives.

There's always laughter and wine...

and talk abo the neighbors.

No way, bree. I don't want katherine
in our games. She bums me out.

Oh, I'm with gaby. I mean, you know me.

I always like to give people
the benefit of the doubt...

no, you don'T.

No, I don't, but let's say I did.

Katherine has this aloof quality.

It's like she's always trying
to keep us at arm's length.

Well, I have to agree. She's
changed. She's not that fun anymore.

Ladies, I don't know
what you're talking about.

Katherine has all sorts
of wonderful qualities.

Name one, and keep in mind that "aloof"
and "unfun" have already been taken.

Well, I admit she plays
her cards close to the vest,

but some of you could benefit
from that kind of quiet dignity,

miss I-chew-gum-

bree, you can talk katherine up all you want,
but she is just never gonna be one of us.

anybody home?

We were just talking about you.

Random chitchat, nothing specific.

That's nice. Could i
talk to you for a minute?

What's going on?

Okay, I know it's last minute,
but I have to leave town,

so I'm not gonna be able to help
you cater the commitment ceremony.

It's tomorrow!

A hundred gay men are descending on this
street, and they're expecting a fabulous party.

I feel awful, but I wouldn't bail
on you if it weren't important.

Okay. Well, what's going on?

I can't tell you. Again, I'm so sorry.

Good luck.

all right, you can all wipe
those smug looks off your faces,

because every one of you
has just become my employee.

hey, got any plans tomorrow at
5:00 A.M.? 'Cause now you do.

Bree needs about two truckloads
of flowers picked up from...


Guess who got off the
wait-list at princeton!

Oh, my god. Oh, my god!

I'm so pud of you!

okay, I am going to need
a bumper sticker right away

so I can start annoying
all the other parents!

Sure. I'll snag you one
when I get there on tuesday.

tuesday? What are you talking about?

Okay, you know that professor
who read my senior thesis?

Well, he was so impressed that he asked
me to come out and do a summer internship.

I'm leaving next week.

Next week?

W-well, that is a big... no.

No? Mom, I have to. It's a huge honor.

Yes... to be chosen,
and you have been chosen.

So congratulations,
and you're staying home.

Oh, you're not letting her go?

But it's a huge honor.

Yes, we've established that.
It's huge. It's an honor.

We get it.

Give me one good reason why I can't go.

Well, the first thing
off the top of my head...

we can't afford it.

Susan, can I talk to you for a sec?

you know, I just inherited 5 grand
from grandpa maynard, and I...

I'd really like to help julie do this.

Mike, that is so sweet.

Mike makes another good point.

Who is this professor? I don't know him.

I am cerinly not going to give
my daughter to him for a summer.

I'm sorry, julie. This is not happening.

This totally sucks.

Well, yes, but don't
forget-- it is a huge honor.

You know what we haven't
done in a really long time?

Made 250 mini pizzas in one afternoon.

What are you talking about?

Bree's in a horrible jam, and I told her we'd
help cater the commitment ceremony tomorrow.

I can'T. I'm busy, remember?

I'm taking this stuff to kayla, my daughter
who lives four and a half hours away now.

Okay, so at the risk of cracking these
eggshells I've been walking on all week,

any idea when you're
gonna stop being so angry?

I'm not angry at you.

'Cause you know we
didn't have a choice, tom.

We had to get her out of the house.

I know. I am angry at the situation.

- Can you please just let me be angry?
- Fine.

You can be as angry and
sulky and pissy as you want,

just so long as you're here tomorrow,
helping me crank out 250 mini pizzas.

You know, I've been told that some wives ask their
husbands for favors and actually say, "please."

oh, tom. Don't you know an
urban myth when you hear one?

okay, so here's the deal.

Bree needs all of these wedding
favors wrapped by tomorrow,

and she's really counting on me, so...

I'm gonna need you to hurry.

I just got off the phone
with the credit card company.

Do you have something
that you wanna tell me?

well, it would be easier
if I knew what you knew.

Damn it, gaby, enough shopping!

You've maxed out every
credit card we own.

I mean, we are so broke right now, it's gonna
be a miracle if we don't end up on the street.

Okay, when you yell at me, I get upset.

And you know what I do
when I get upset? I shop.

So if we do end up homeless,
guess whose fat it'll be.

Whatever. I'm gonna go read porn...

In braille.


Gaby, it's ellie.

Ellie, you can't call me!

The cops are all over my ass because
they think I helped you escape.

I'm sorry. I just need one more favor,
and then I'll never bother you again.

Ellie, I don't know. What is it?

I left my teddy bear in the coat closet.

I need you to bring it to me.

Teddy bear? What is that,
code for "a pound of blow"?

No, it's an actual teddy bear.

My dad gave it to me when I was 5, and it's
the only thing I have left to remember him by.


Ya had to play the daddy card.

So after the ceremony,
we'll open up the buffet...

Uh, chicken marsala, and
pasta for the vegetarians.

And dancing, roll out the cake,
you leave for your honeymoon,

and I will collapse in a tasteful heap.

hold it. You dn't say anything
about the ice sculpture.

Yes, I'm sorry. One
cherub delivered at 1:30.


No, I specifically told katherine we
were gonna go with the enchanted castle.

And I told her we'd go with the cherub
because we are not 8-year-old girls.

Bob, all my life I have dreamt
of having a wedding reception

in which I would serve drinks from a vodka moat
surrounding an enchanted castle rendered in ice,

and I don't think
that's too much to ask.

Remember when you asked me to tell you
when you start acting like faye dunaway

from the boardroom scene
in "mommie dearest"?

Uh, why don't i let
you two work this out?

Fine, we'll go with
the stupid baby angel.

I need some coffee.

Why are you here?

And don't say for the pizza, because
I know you're lactose-intolerant.

I heard katherine left you in the lurch.

M here to offer my assistance.

Oh, I get it. So I'm desperate and vulnerable,
and you're gonna swoop in and save the day.

Well, thank you very much. I'm fine.

Darling, don't be stubborn.

You're gonna need place cards, and
you know I have excellent penmanship.

Don't you dare throw your calligraphy skills
in my face when you know I'm at aow point.

Now go! And stop following me.

you're doomed.

Excuse me?

The way you just caved
on that sculpture thing?

You're setting the tone
foyour entire marriage.

I am?

Yeah. You gotta dig in your heels.

Otherwise, you're gonna be
pushed around for the next...

let's see. How long have I been married?

Ten and a half years.

- I want my castle.
- Lee...

it is the only thing I've asked
for, and damn it, I'm entitled to it.


Thank you.

all right, so I will call the
ice sculptor and see if we can--

forget it.We're
sticking with the cherub.

And later, when he bitches about
it, I'll just buy him some jewelry.

You sure you haven't
been married before?

Hey, gaby?

Over here, carlos.

You know, I got a theory as to why
all this bad stuff has happened to us--

my blindness and losing all our money...

it's karma.

You know, we've been selfish and greedy,

and the universe is telling us
to start being better people.

I just found $118,000
in ellie's teddy bear.

Hey, universe? Bite me!

- hello?
- Hey, wayne?

It's pete roms.

Pete!How's tricks?

Listen, uh, I'm just calling
to give you a heads-up.

Um, I finally met your ex.

She came in to file a report.

apparently, you, uh,
kidnapped her husband.

No kidding? Am I asking for ransom?

well, you always said she was crazy.

Now I feel your pain.

Anyway, I-I just thought
you should know, huh?

- Take care.
- Thanks.

okay, enough kiddin' around.

Tell me where my daughter is.

Oh, for-- did
you die on me?

damn it!

okay, so you have another one
of those in the truck? Thank you.

I'll be back in ten minutes!

We need more settings on five, please.

Lynette, I wish I had time to
be more tactful, but I don'T.

Your swan is pathetic, and I'm
firing you from napkin duty.

No, no, give me another
chance. I will get it.

yes? Oh, there you are!
Where is my ice sculpture?

No! No, 6:00 is too late. I need it now.

Oh, forget it. I'll pick it up myself.

Why don't you fill water glasses?
That's an important job, too.

Andrew... look, I'm on my way back,
but it's imperative that you...

andrew? oh, dear god.

Oh, no. Don't die on me now!

oh, dear god.

Help me! Help!

I'm just saying we should pay off all
of our bills and put the rest in savings.

Savings? Nobody does that anymore.

Well, I mean, you never
know. We might have kids.

Oh, carlos, we're never gonna have kids.

Shoes are my kids.

Let me be the mother I was meant to be.


Where's my bear?

Right. The bear.

Well... I looked all over
and just couldn't find it.

I guess the cops took it.

I'm really sorry, ellie.

I know it was a gift from your dad.

It just breaks my heart.

You found the money, didn't you?

money? What money?

You're lying. I can
hear it in your voice.

What's wrong with my voice?

Okay, listen, bitch.

You do not wanna screw with me.

how about we split it 50-50?

I'm coming to get my money,
and if one dime is missing,

I will throw acid in your face.

okay, we really need to get caller I.D.

what more can you do to me?

Need a lift?

Is, uh, dylan here by any chance?

Uh, um, no, I-I haven't seen her.

Okay. Thanks.

Hey, katherine, are you all right?

dylan and I, we... had a big fight.

well, I'm sure she's just upset, and
she'll come home after she cools off.

Not this time. I lied to her.

well... we all lie to
our kids sometimes, right?

I've been doing it her whole life-- one
lie on top of another-- and the thing...

I learned too late is that eventually
they all come crashing down on you.

anyway, if you see her,
let me know? Thanks.

what's your hurry, kathy?

What happened to my daughter?

I'm not telling you anything,
so you might as well kill me.

I don't care.

I believe you. I do.

But what about dylan?

Or should I say, that girl
that lives here with you?

I bet you'd care if I killed her.

there are no wings.

Yes, and the "venus de milo" is
missing two arms. What's your point?

It'S... stunning.

well, I suppose I should say thank you.

Oh, it's no big deal.

You're just lucky I was there.

Was I lucky, or were you following me?

I thought you might need my help.

and you were right. I did.

You just think I'm being
stubborn, don't you?

Making you jump through hoops when
it's so clear we belong together.

I don't think anything, bree.

I'm just trying to be there for you
and hoping eventually you'll forgive me.

But that's just it, orson.

If I forgive you, then i
forgiving what you did to mike.

I can't do that.

And-- and you
wouldn't want me to.

I mean, be honest with yourself.

If I took you back now, I
wouldn't be the woman you love.

Then what can I do?

I've already told you. Turn yourself in to
the police and let justice run its course.

I can't do that, bree.

I want to, for you, more than anything.

But I don't think I could survive it.

Well... so here we are.

what is this?

- It's your ice sculpture.
- No, it's not.

I see no turrets. I see no flags.
I see no moat full of vodka.

What I see is a giant,
icy slap in the face.


What's that?

I want to be able to reach you this
summer when you're doing that internship.

You changed your mind?

Here's the thing.

You and I have always had kind
of an uonventional relationship,

and the reason that worked was because
we always tell each other the truth...

until yesterday.

Julie, I lied about not having
enough money to send you.


because I just freaked
out about you leaving.

But you knew I was
going away to college.

Yes, in the fall.

And I needed those extra
three months to get ready. I...

I still have not figured out

how I'm gonna get by without you.



I just lean on you in
ways you don't even know.

I think you are stronger than
you give yourself credit for.

Well... I spend more time with
me than you do, and I'm a mess.

well, you were when dad left.

I had my hands full then.

But you've grown so much
these last five years.


You are a secure, confident woman now.

You're ready to spread
your wings and fly.

Frankly, my work here is done.


now I want you to have that
phone on you at all times...

because I'm still not sure
how to work the dishwasher.

can you help me?

For god sake, lee! It's
just an ice sculpture!

It is not "just an ice sculpture"!

It's the sculpture and
making me move to the suburbs

and forcing me to be nice to your
homophobic boss. You know what? Tom's right.

If I don't start standing
up for myself, I'm doomed.

I don't believe I
used the word "doomed."

You're always overruling me.

You treat me like a
child. Well, I've had it!

Ceremony's off, mein fuhrer!

It's a chunk of ice, you drama queen!

I said was--

I don't care what you
said. We have to fix this!

Or do you want to tell bree
that you torpedoed her ceremony?

I did not tell you to put
mums in that arrangement!

And don't point your finger at
me or I'll snap it right off.

- I'll find bob.
- I'll get lee.

- you can't make me talk to him.
- Yeah, I can. Sit down.

Earlier, my husband, in an attempt
to help you with your relationship,

mistakenly gave you some advice, which
he would now like to take back. Tom?

Actually, I stand by everything I said.

- My mistake was in not going far enough.
- What?

If you're willing to break
up over an ice sculpture,

you guys should
absolutely not get married.

where the hell are you going with this?

Because who gets to choose the ice
sculpture, who should take out the trash,

who has to stay home and
make the mini pizzas--

that's the little stuff.

What are you gonna do when
the big stuff comes along?

- Could you give us a second?
- No.

What are you gonna do when
a tornado hits your house,

or you have problems with your kids,

or one of you gets cancer?

At some point, the crap is going
to hit the fan, and that is why now,

before you make the commitment,
you have to ask yourself,

is that person in bed next
to you worth the trble?

Do you love him...or her so much that

no disease, no disaster

could possiblypull you apart?

Answer him.

- Sure.
- Of course I do.

Good. Good, then...

get out there and get
committed, you crazy kids.

oh, my god. Are you okay?

- You need some help?
- Yes.

thanks for stoppinG.

Yes, officer. I see you.
Thank you for coming.

Now remember, ellie's dangerous.

So if she shows up, feel
free to use excessive force.

carlos, are you almost ready?

Carlos? Did you hear me?

I'm just getting my jacket.

Oh, honey, can you carry the house
keys? They don't fit in my purse.

ellie's upstairs.


She's in our bedroom. I heard
her breathing. Call the cops.

Wait! She's gonna steal our money!

You can't go up there.
It's too dangerous.

well, not as dangerous as poverty!


gaby? What's going on?

Carlos! Carlos, don't just
stand there! Go get help!

Help! Police!

That's the closet!

Police! Police! Get in here now!


I don't think you've
thought this through.

Shut up.

If I tell you what happened,
if I don't tell you...

you're gonna kill me anyway.

Who you gonna pin it on?

We have history.

Right now I'm just
your bitter, crazy ex.

But if I turn up dead,
and you have no alibi--

you let me worry about that.

look, I'm having a
little problem right now.

I just need to hide here for a sec.

And I don't wanna hurt
you, so don't make me.

All right?

Good. I'm glad we understand each other.

And with your gun, too.

I guess I just found my alibi.

and now we will do the
exchanging of the rings...

snappy ceremony, bree.

You and katherine
really did a bang-up job.

No, i did a bang-up job.

Katherine bailed on me
and left town last night.

I think you got hosed. I
just saw her an hour ago.

at this joyous and festive occasion.

Please join handS.

She was on the run, she broke
in, she stabbed you, you shot her.

Case closed.

It's like the alibi
fairy left me a present.

But I do wonder...

what if dylan doesn't come back?

We had a fight.

She said she hated me,
said she was leaving...

for good.

Is that the best you can do, kathy?

I know it sounds convenient.

But what happens if it's true?

Because you don't have another plan.

Was the only way you couldmake
me tell you the truth.

katherine? It's bree.
We need to talk now!

that girl that was
living with the solises?

Actually, I thought I saw
her heading down that way.

Hope you find heR.

I'd hate to think there was some
maniac running around our neighborhood.

I'm so sorry about this.

Shut it!

So let me catch you up.

I need to know something that only my
ex-wife can tell me, but she doesn't want to.

She needs a little incentive.
So that's where you come in.


please don'T.

Yeah? How is it gonna feel knowing...

that you could've stopped this?

all right!

I'll tell you.

after I left you...

a few months passed,
and I convinced myself

that you'd forgotten about us.

But I was wrong.

How was dylan? Did she behave herself?

She's an angel.

I... just hope I didn't
do something wrong.

What do you mean?

Well, your ex-husband was
here earlier, and, of course,

I didn't know it was him
until dylan called him "daddy."

I-I'm sorry, I should've called you,
but dylan was just so happy to see him.

He bught her a bicycle and a doll.

And won't let that
doll out of her sight.

Katherine, what's going on?

I was going to run again, but
you didn't give me enough time.

Wayne just drove up.

Should we call the police?

No. Let him in.

I knew it was time to faceou and let
you know you were not welcome in my home,

and neither were your gifts.

Do you know how much money
I spent looking for you?

Well, I'm sure you still had enough
to buy liquor by the caseload.

Look who's gotten sassy
while she's been away.

Well, I think I like it.

- What do you want, wayne?
- I want my daughter back.

Why? You gotten zy in your old age?

You need somebody smaller to pound on?

I never touched a hair on her head!

Yeah, but now she's
gotten older and sassier,

I'm sure you'll find all
sorts of reasons to hit her.

I don't have to ask, you know.

I could just go up there if I want.

She is asleep!

- Get the hell out!
- I'm her father!

I said no!

I'm bleeding.


You should see a doctor.

I'll be back for my daughter.

You just
understand this--

Are you all right? I heard a crash.

Yeah, I-I hit him with
the candlestick, and...

- he went down pretty hard.
- Thank god.

You know, I think now would be a good time to
break out the 10-year-old scotch I've been saving.

I honestly thought it was finally over.

I don't know how I
could've been so wrong.


I came in to give her another blanket.

Her hand is ice-cold!

aunt lily told me I
couldn't go to the police.

She'd said you'd make it seem like I
killed dylan to keep you from taking her,

so I let her bury my baby in the woods.

I knew I'd have to run away again, but I
also knew you'd never stop looking for me,

so I came up with a plan.

I found a girl in a romann
orphanage who looked just like dylan.

The resemblance was uncanny.

Her mother had died in childbirth,
and her father had been murdered.

As I looked into those big,
blue eyes, I knew right then...

she needed me as much as I needed her.

I've never told that to anyone.

I even lied to adam and
said it was your fault.

and that's how I've
spent the last 12 years...

just telling one lie after another.

Hold it, hold it. I'm sorry, sir.

We're having a party.
You can't park here.

So you let her die.

If you don't mind, I need you
to park around the corner, okay?

Thank yo

you let my daughter die...

like a dog.

it was an accident.

Then you buried her like one.

Because I had to.

I knew if you
found out, y--

that I would kill you.

katherine! Where are you?

Adam! Get out! He's got a gun!

you just watch over him for aec,
okay? I'm gonna call the cops.

First we have to do something
to stop that bleeding.

Go ahead. You call the cops.

Ask for my buddy romslo...

or captain mcmurphy.

we play softball together.

Those guys'll take care of me.

And even if I do a little time...

you know this isn't over.

I'll get out and I'll find
you, and I'll make you pay.

I know you will.

- oh, my god! Bree, are you all right?
- What the hell is going on?

We don't have much time before
the police get here.******

excuse me. Susan!

- Come here, come here.
- What's going on?

Okay, just listen to me.

Ma'am, you have to talk to us.

We need to know what happened. Ma'am?

Then he raised the
gun and came toward us.

Thank god katherine grabbed
his arm and got the gun away.

That lunatic would've killed us all.

I knew wayne was the reason she moved
away, and the second she moved back,

he started stalking her again.

She was always telling
us how terrified she was.

We always knew he'd do something
like this eventually, and he did.


this was obviously self-defense.

Take the cuffs off,
get her to the hospital.

mom? Mom! Oh, my!

I'm so sorry, mom.

Five Years Later

there's a ritual my friends
have observed for years.

Once a week, they meet to play a game
of cards and talk about their lives.

Of course, there's another
aspect to these gatherings

that has nothing to do
with gossip or poker.

Every seven days, my friends are
reminded of a basic human truth--

there is nothing more important
than friendships that endure,

especially in a world
that insists on changing.

Okay, my friends are gone.

I'm ready to fix you dinner.

What the hell are you doing?

Hey, mommy, we're playing fashion model!

Look at this mess!

You are lucky I got in here
before you touched my dresses!

Run, celia, run!

My vera wang?

I'm home!

Oh, thank god.

The publisher sent over
the galley for the cookbook.

He needs you to proof them tonight.

I've also got the woman from
"the new york times" on the phone.

She wants to do the interview now.

is that you, bree?

The water's getting cold.

Uh, leave the galleys in my office and tell the
woman from "the times" to call me back in the morning.

I'm gonna have a nice
bubble bath with my husband.

Coming, orson!

Why is there a police
car in our driveway?

I was telling your husband
we just picked up your son.

He broke into a car at the
mall and took it for a joyride.


I am so sorry, officer.

We have talked to porter
till we're blue in the face.

It's like he's determined
to go back to juvenile halL.

Honey, it wasn't porter this time.

They arrested preston.

it's me, mom. I'm back from paris.

It was just as gorgeous as you said it
would be, and you're not gonna believe this.

Bradley finally asked me to marry him
right there under the eiffel tower.

I'm so happy. Call me back.

honey? I'm home.

Did you miss me?

You know I did.