Desperate Housewives (2004–2012): Season 4, Episode 15 - Mother Said - full transcript

PREVIOUSLY ON...

GABY'S NEW TENANT...

I UNDERSTAND YOU GOT A ROOM TO RENT. WE LIKE YOU.

IF YOU HAVE FIRST AND LAST MONTHS' RENT,

WE'D LIKE YOU EVEN MORE. ... CAME WITH A DANGEROUS SECRET.

I'M YOUR FATHER. WAYNE'S RETURN MEANT TROUBLE FOR KATHERINE.

SHE DOESN'T KNOW YOU, BUT I DO.

DID YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE FIRE AT RICK'S RESTAURANT?

LYNETTE TRIED TO WARN TOM ABOUT KAYLA...

I THINK WE HAVE A SERIOUSLY TROUBLED YOUNG GIRL.

AND IN HIS TIME OF WEAKNESS,



ORSON CHOSE THE WRONG SHOULDER TO CRY ON.

I DON'T... THINK...

YOU'RE RIGHT.

THE INCIDENT- AS IT WOULD COME TO BE KNOWN-

HAPPENED LATE ON A TUESDAY AFTERNOON.

WITNESSES INCLUDED AN OLD WOMAN...

A BLIND MAN...

AND A YOUNG BOY.

THE OLD WOMAN,WHOSE HEARING WAS NOT WHAT IT USED TO BE,

SAW BREE HODGE EMERGE FROM HER HOUSE

IN A WAY THAT TOLD HER

SHE WAS UPSET ABOUT SOMETHING.

THE BLIND MAN,WHOSE HEARING HAD BECOME MORE ACUTE,

HEARD EDIE SAY... OH,HEY,BREE. WHAT'S UP?



...IN A WAY THAT SUGGESTED

EDIE WASN'T EXPECTING ANY TROUBLE.

THE YOUNG BOY, WHO WAS NOT YET 11,

HEARD BREE HODGE SAY...

I SAW YOU KISSING MY HUSBAND.

BUT HE COULDN'T UNDERSTAND

WHY SOMEONE WOULD BE ANGRY ABOUT KISSES,

WHICH HE THOUGHT GROWN-UPS LIKED.

AS THE OLD WOMAN PRETENDED

TO CLIP HEDGES SHE'D ALREADY CLIPPED,

SHE SAW THE BODY LANGUAGE OF HER NEIGHBORS CHANGE.

AS THE BLIND MAN LISTENED IN,

HE HEARD BREE SAY...

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING,EDIE? WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE FRIENDS.

WE ARE FRIENDS. I AM NOT INTERESTED IN ORSON.

THE YOUNG BOY THEN HEARD EDIE ADD...

SO STOP ACTING LIKE SUCH A BITCH!

...WHICH INCLUDED A WORD HE WAS NOT ALLOWED TO USE.

THE OLD WOMAN THEN SAW BREE HODGE CLENCH HER FIST.

A SECOND LATER, THE BLIND MAN HEARD A SLAP...

AND THE YOUNG BOY SAW EDIE GRAB HER CHEEK.

AS THE TWO WOMEN PARTED COMPANY,

A THOUGHT OCCURRED

TO ALL THOSE WHO HAD WITNESSED THE INCIDENT...

THAT RIGHT THERE ON PEACEFUL WISTERIA LANE,

THE BATTLE LINES HAD BEEN DRAWN,

AND SOMEONE...

WAS GOING TO GET HURT.

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CHILDREN PURCHASE TASTEFUL BOUQUETS...

SIGN SENTIMENTAL CARDS...

AND CREATE HOMEMADE JEWELRY...

ALL IN AN ATTEMPT TO HONOR

THAT WOMAN KNOWN SIMPLY...

AS MOTHER.

OH!

HEY,MAMA. HEY,BABY.

OH,MY GOSH!

IS THIS MY DAUGHTER-IN-LAW?

WELL,I'M GONNA HUG HER. OH! IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.

OH,MY GOODNESS! OH!

OH,OKAY.

OH,MY SON WAS RIGHT.

YOU ARE THE PRETTIEST THING!

MICHAEL, I'M JUST TAKEN WITH HER.

OH,WELL,GOOD. THANK YOU. COME ON,MAMA. LET'S GET YOU UNPACKED.

OH,YES,LET'S DO,'CAUSE I BROUGHT YOU A PRESENT. OH! OH!

LET'S GO. COME ON.

WOW!

IT'S ALL RECIPES.

NOT JUST ANY RECIPES.

SOME OF THESE HAVE BEEN IN MY FAMILY

SINCE BEFORE THE WAR OF NORTHERN AGGRESSION.

YOU MEAN THE CIVIL WAR?

I MEAN WHAT I MEAN.

UM,WELL...

I GUESS MIKE DIDN'T TELL YOU

THAT I'M,UH, REALLY NOT A COOK.

OH,NO,HE TOLD ME.

THAT'S WHY I GAVE YOU THESE RECIPES,

AND I'M GON' TEACH YOU HOW TO MAKE 'EM,TOO.

ISN'T THAT NICE,HONEY?

OH, MY MEEMAW ALWAYS TOLD ME

THAT A LADY SHOULD BE A CHEF IN THE KITCHEN,

A MAID IN THE LIVING ROOM AND A WHORE IN THE BEDROOM.

AND MICHAEL SAYS YOU'VE ONLY GOT ONE OF THOSE COVERED,

SO I'M GON' HELP YOU WITH THE OTHER TWO.

EXCUSE ME.

THE ONE SHE WON'T BE HELPING ME WITH-

PLEASE TELL ME IT'S "WHORE."

I CALL THE COMPUTER. NO WAY! I CALLED IT ON THE BUS.

WHOA! WHOA,WHOA,WHOA! GUYS, WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.

THERE'S SOMEBODY I WANT YOU TO MEET.

THIS IS DR. DOLAN. HEY,GUYS. I'M JOSHUA.

HE'S GONNA HANG OUT AND WATCH US,

YOU KNOW,BE A FAMILY.

WHY?

BECAUSE WE'VE HAD A COUPLE OF...

PROBLEMS LATELY.

AND MY JOB IS TO FIND OUT WHAT'S CAUSING THOSE PROBLEMS,

AND THEN I CAN HELP YOU BE A STRONGER FAMILY. CAN WE BE A STRONGER FAMILY

WHILE PLAYING "AGE OF EMPIRES III"?

YEAH,SURE. I WANNA LEARN HOW TO PLAY THAT GAME.

GO GET STARTED. I'LL JOIN YOU IN A MINUTE.

SO I LIKE WHAT YOU SAID

ABOUT MAKING THE FAMILY STRONGER,

BUT AS I TOLD YOU,KAYLA'S THE ONE YOU WANNA FOCUS ON.

WELL,I PREFER TO LOOK AT THE BIG PICTURE.

YOU SEE,IF A FAMILY IS DYSFUNCTIONAL,

IT CAN LEAD TO A CHILD WITH PROBLEMS.

YEAH, OR A CHILD WITH PROBLEMS

CAN LEAD TO A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY.

I MEAN,KAYLA'S THE ONE THAT GOT MY KIDS TO LIGHT A FIRE

AND JUMP OFF THE ROOF. HONEY,IT-IT SOUNDS LIKE

DR. DOLAN HAS,UM, KIND OF A PLAN HERE.

I UNDERSTAND. IT JUST SEEMS LIKE...

AT $140 AN HOUR,WE COULD SKIP STRAIGHT TO THE PART

WHERE YOU SIT DOWN WITH KAYLA

AND TELL HER TO STOP BEING SO EVIL.

MOMMY?

YEAH? UM... I FORGOT TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING.

OH. IT'S A DRAWING I MADE FOR YOU IN SCHOOL.

OH,WELL,THANK YOU. IT'S BEAUTIFUL. THANK YOU.

SHE NEVER DOES THIS.

MMM. DON'T. WE'RE WAITING FOR ELLIE.

SHE'S FINISHING UP WITH A CUSTOMER.

WELL,MAYBE WHEN SHE'S DONE TATTOOING HIM,

SHE CAN PUT "STOP HITTING THE BLIND GUY" ON MY FOREHEAD.

YOU KNOW,I'VE BEEN HITTING YOU A LOT LESS LATELY,

AND I DON'T FEEL

LIKE I'M GETTING ENOUGH CREDIT FOR THAT.

YOU'RE RIGHT. I'M A BAD HUSBAND.

NO,SERIOUSLY.

WE'RE GETTING ALONG BETTER. HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT?

YEAH,I THINK IT'S BECAUSE OF ELLIE.

ME,TOO. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO ARGUE WITH HER IN THE HOUSE.

SHE MAKES US LAUGH.

SHE TAKES YOU OFF MY HANDS EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE. PLUS,SHE'S ALWAYS HELPING AROUND THE HOUSE.

I MEAN,YESTERDAY, WITHOUT EVEN BEING ASKED,

SHE WASHED ALL THE WINDOWS.

SHE'S AMAZING. I DON'T KNOW WHERE SHE GETS ALL HER ENERGY.

OKAY,SO WE'RE SQUARE.

DUDE,YOU GOTTA CALL ME NEXT WEEK.

I GOT SOME GREAT STUFF COMING IN. ALL RIGHT.

ELLIE,IT'S GETTING COLD! I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN!

SO SHOULD I SNEAK OUT THE BACK?

OH,NO. THAT'S MY LANDLADY. SHE'S COOL.

SHE KNOWS YOU'RE DEALING?

WELL,SHE'S NOT THAT COOL.

OH,HEY,GUYS!

YOU WERE UP THERE A WHILE. CAN I SEE IT?

UM,SHE- SHE MEANS THE TATTOO.

I WOULD LOVE FOR YOU TO SEE IT...

BUT IT'S KIND OF DOWN SOUTH.

OH,ON HIS... GOT IT.

DOES IT HURT?

IT'S OKAY.

ELLIE GAVE ME SOMETHING FOR THE PAIN.

AND FAIRVIEW HAS A TOP-RATED SCHOOL DISTRICT,

WHICH,UH...

YOU'LL APPRECIATE IN A COUPLE OF YEARS.

WELL,COME ON IN. I'LL SHOW YOU THE INSIDE. YOU GO AHEAD,HONEY.

I'LL WAIT UNTIL MARK WAKES UP FROM HIS NAP. ALL RIGHT,WE'LL SEE YOU IN A MINUTE.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT...

HI! OH,HI!

I'M BREE HODGE. LAUREN BAXTER. NICE TO MEET YOU.

SO ARE YOU THINKING OF MOVING ONTO THE LANE?

YES. THIS HOUSE IS EXACTLY WHAT WE'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR.

DO YOU MIND IF I ASK- IS IT A SAFE NEIGHBORHOOD?

OH,YES, THE NEIGHBORHOOD'S SAFE.

I WISH I COULD SAY THE SAME FOR YOUR REAL ESTATE AGENT.

WELL,WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WHAT IS THIS? YOU LEFT IT IN THE PRINTER.

IT'S A HOUSE LISTING.

YEAH, FOR A HOUSE IN BALTIMORE.

YEAH,WAIT TILL YOU SEE IT. IT'S GOT A POOL AND A GARDEN. THIS IS ABOUT DAD,ISN'T IT?

I'M DOING THIS TO PROTECT US.

WE DON'T NEED TO BE PROTECTED. HE'S CHANGED.

IT'S ALL AN ACT, SWEETHEART.

YOU DON'T SEE IT NOW, BUT YOU WILL.

HE'S ONLY BACK BECAUSE HE WANTS SOMETHING.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT EXACTLY. I JUST KNOW WE'RE NOT SAFE HERE.

OH,SURE. THAT'S IT. DAD HAS SOME EVIL PLAN.

IT COULDN'T BE THAT HE WANTS TO BE IN MY LIFE,

THAT HE LOVES ME. HE ISN'T CAPABLE OF LOVE,DYLAN.

I FOUND THAT OUT THE HARD WAY,

AND WE NEED TO LEAVE

BEFORE YOU LEARN THE SAME HORRIBLE LESSON.

MOVE IF YOU WANT.

I'M STAYING HERE WITH MY FATHER.

BUT WHAT HAPPENED? THINGS WERE GOING FINE.

I'M SORRY. WE NEED ANOTHER REALTOR.

ALL RIGHT.

BISCUITS ARE THE FOUNDATION OF ANY SOUTHERN MEAL.

LIKE MY MEEMAW USED TO SAY, "AIN'T NOTHIN' YOU CAN MAKE

DON'T TASTE BETTER ON A BISCUIT."

A FOUNT OF WISDOM, YOUR MEEMAW.

UH-HUH.

WELL...

I REALLY APPRECIATE THIS. THANKS,ADELE.

"ADELE"? IF YOU DON'T CALL ME "MAMA," I'M GON' SCREAM.

DON'T DO THAT... MAMA.

NOW LET'S GET STARTED.

WE'RE GONNA NEED A FLOUR SIFTER.

I DON'T HAVE ONE.

PASTRY CUTTER? SORRY.

DOUGH HOOKS? DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THEY ARE.

THAT'S FINE. WE CAN IMPROVISE.

WHY DON'T YOU START BY MEASURING OUT OUR DRY INGREDIENTS?

THE FLOUR AND SUCH?

OH.

MICHAEL IS GONNA BE SO HAPPY.

AFTER A LONG DAY OF WORK,

HE CAN COME HOME TO A NICE, HOME-COOKED SOUTHERN MEAL.

ALTHOUGH HE ALSO ENJOYS

COMING HOME TO SESAME CHICKEN FROM RED PANDA,

AND THEY DELIVER.

YOU KNOW,IT'S A SHAME THAT MICHAEL HAS TO WORK SO HARD.

BUT I GUESS WITH ALL THE MONEY TROUBLES

YOU TWO HAVE BEEN HAVIN'... HE TOLD YOU THAT?

WELL,WE'RE GETTING PAST IT.

ONLY BECAUSE MY SON IS WORKING HIMSELF TO THE BONE.

YOU KNOW,IT WOULDN'T HURT FOR YOU TO GET A JOB. I HAVE A JOB.

OH,YOU MEAN YOUR LITTLE DRAWINGS?

WELL,IT'S GREAT FOR A WOMAN TO HAVE A HOBBY.

PERSONALLY,I DECOUPAGE,

BUT I'M TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING THAT PAYS.

CHILDREN'S BOOKS PAY.

REALLY? HOW MUCH?

YOU KNOW,I THINK,ACTUALLY,

I MIGHT HAVE THOSE DOUGH HOOKS SOMEWHERE.

OH,DEAR. I'VE INSULTED YOU.

NOW I'M JUST TRYING TO BE HELPFUL.

NO,NO. IT'S FINE,ADELE.

MAMA.

SO WE WERE SORT OF SURPRISED TO GET YOUR CALL.

DON'T YOU NEED TO SEE KAYLA A FEW MORE TIMES

BEFORE YOU REPORT BACK TO US? WELL,BEFORE CONTINUING WITH HER,

I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE HELPFUL TO ASK YOU A FEW QUESTIONS. OH,GO AHEAD. SHOOT.

DO YOU LOVE KAYLA?

LYNETTE? HMM?

I WAS TALKING TO YOU.

OH. WELL... S-SURE.

I'VE BEEN VERY GOOD TO HER.

THAT WASN'T HIS QUESTION.

DO YOU HAVE A DIPLOMA ON YOUR WALL,TOM?

I DON'T THINK SO. ZIP IT.

AGAIN,UM...

DO YOU LOVE HER?

OF COURSE I DO...

AS MUCH AS I CAN,GIVEN THE WAY SHE JOINED OUR FAMILY.

IT'S JUST-IT'S COMPLICATED.

I UNDERSTAND. THE PROBLEM IS,

KAYLA HAS PICKED UP ON YOUR AMBIVALENCE,

AND SHE'S BECOME A VERY ANGRY GIRL.

SO WHAT DO WE DO?

OH,GOD. IS THIS GONNA BE ONE OF THOSE THERAPY THINGS

WHERE SHE HITS ME WITH A FOAM BAT?

THERE'S A BOND THAT DEVELOPS

BETWEEN AN INFANT AND HER MOTHER.

YOU AND KAYLA NEVER FORMED THAT BOND,

SO WHAT WE NEED TO DO IS RECREATE IT.

IT'S CALLED ATTACHMENT PARENTING,

AND IT STARTS WITH KAYLA BEING BY YOUR SIDE

AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE.

THAT SOUNDS LIKE EXACTLY WHAT THEY NEED.

I MEAN,I DON'T HAVE A DIPLOMA OR ANYTHING,BUT...

I'D REALLY LIKE TO GIVE THIS A TRY.

WHATEVER KEEPS YOU AND KAYLA CLOSE AND INTERACTING-

GO TO THE MOVIES, GO SHOPPING,

MAYBE TAKE A LITTLE TRIP TOGETHER,JUST THE TWO OF YOU.

COULD WE REVISIT THE FOAM BAT IDEA FOR JUST A SECOND?

THE PLAN SOUNDS GREAT,DOC. DON'T WORRY.

I WILL MAKE SURE THAT THEY ARE TOGETHER CONSTANTLY.

AS ME IF I LOVE TOM RIGHT NOW.

GO AHEAD. I DARE YA.

MAY I HELP YOU?

I HAVEN'T SEEN BENJAMIN IN A WEEK.

I WAS THINKING I'D TAKE HIM FOR A FEW HOURS. IT'S NOT REALLY A GOOD TIME.

WELL,BREE,WHENEVER I CALL, IT'S NOT A GOOD TIME,

SO IF YOU DON'T MIND,

I'D LIKE TO TAKE MY SON TO THE CARNIVAL. WELL,THAT SOUNDS BORING.

I KNOW. WHY DON'T YOU TAKE HIM TO EDIE'S HOUSE,

AND HE CAN WATCH YOU GIVE HER A DENTAL EXAM WITH YOUR TONGUE?

BREE,YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

WHAT YOU SAW WAS BAD JUDGMENT ON EDIE'S PART

AND GOOD JUDGMENT ON MY PART. I PUSHED HER AWAY.

YES,EVENTUALLY,WITH A BIG, DOPEY GRIN ON YOUR FACE.

CAN WE PLEASE PUT THIS BEHIND US?

I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE BENJAMIN. I DON'T THINK SO. I'D HATE FOR HIM TO BE AROUND

WHEN YOU HAD ANOTHER ATTACK OF DELAYED MORALITY,

EITHER WITH EDIE OR BEHIND THE WHEEL OF YOUR CAR.

I AM NOT HAVING THIS ARGUMENT.

HE IS MY SON,TOO.

NOT EXACTLY.

WHAT? DON'T EVEN-

STRICTLY SPEAKING, YOU'RE NOT EVEN RELATED TO HIM.

I MEAN,IT WAS FINE FOR YOU TO MASQUERADE AS HIS FATHER

WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER, BUT NOW THAT WE'RE NOT-

THIS IS WRONG. I WILL HIRE A LAWYER.

I'VE ALREADY HIRED ONE. YOU'LL BE HEARING FROM HIM SHORTLY.

OH,AND IF YOU'RE IN THE MOOD FOR A CARNIVAL,

WHY NOT CALL EDIE?

I HEAR YOU GET THREE THROWS FOR A DOLLAR WITH HER,TOO.

BYE,GABY.

YOU GUYS GOING FOR ANOTHER WALK?

YEAH. WE FOUND THIS SWEET HIKING TRAIL-

GOES RIGHT THROUGH THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS. YEAH,AND UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE,

ELLIE DOESN'T LET THE BRANCHES HIT ME IN MY FACE.

YOU'RE SPOILING HIM.

WHAT THE HELL?

ELLIE,YOUR DOOR IS LOCKED!

ELLIE!

OH,SHUT UP ALREADY.

MOM,GUESS WHAT?

DAD'S COMING TO MY SENIOR RECITAL NEXT WEEK.

I COULD SWING BY AND PICK YOU UP,IF YOU WANT.

WE COULD MAKE IT A REAL FAMILY OUTING.

DYLAN,YOUR FATHER AND I NEED TO TALK... IN PRIVATE.

I'M NOT DONE SAYING GOOD-BYE.

YES,YOU ARE. PLEASE GET RID OF THAT GUM.

I CAN HEAR YOU SMACKING ALL THE WAY IN THE HOUSE.

BYE,SWEETHEART. BYE,DAD.

JUST SO WE'RE CLEAR,

THERE WILL BE NO FAMILY OUTINGS.

NOW,KATHY, YOU SHOULDN'T BE RUDE

TO A MAN WHO STILL HAS FEELINGS FOR YOU.

MEANING WHAT? YOU STILL LOVE ME?

I DO. AND I KNOW I'M SOMEWHAT TO BLAME

FOR WHAT'S HAPPENED BETWEEN US.

THAT'S WHY I'VE FORGIVEN YOU FOR KIDNAPPING OUR DAUGHTER.

THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS MEET ME HALFWAY.

OH,WAYNE.

I DON'T DESERVE YOUR FORGIVENESS.

MAYBE NOT,BUT I'M GONNA GIVE IT TO YOU ANYWAY 'CAUSE...

I STILL THINK WE COULD BE HAPPY TOGETHER.

COULD WE?

GIVEN ALL THE THINGS I DID

THAT YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT?

WHAT'S THAT?

I'M TALKING ABOUT ALL THOSE MEN I WAS WITH

WHILE WE WERE MARRIED.

HOW CAN YOU FORGIVE SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

THAT'S A LIE.

YOU WOULDN'T HAVE DARED.

UNHAPPY WOMEN DO DANGEROUS THINGS.

I THINK THE WORST

WAS WHEN I TRICKED YOU

INTO THINKING DYLAN WAS YOURS.

I WANTED TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, BUT I WAS SCARED...

FOR OBVIOUS REASONS.

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

BUT I'M NOT WORRIED ANYMORE

BECAUSE YOU'VE CHANGED.

SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, WAYNE?

FORGIVE ME.

HEY THERE! MRS. McCLUSKEY.

IF SHE'S NOT MINE, THEN WHOSE IS SHE?

DOES IT MATTER?

OH,I GUESS I WON'T BE SEEING YOU AT THE RECITAL NOW.

HMM. WHAT A SHAME.

ARE YOU SURE IT WAS COCAINE?

CARLOS,I WAS A FASHION MODEL IN THE '90s.

I KNOW COCAINE.

DAMN IT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'M CALLING THE POLICE.

WHOA,WHOA,WHOA,WHOA!

SHOULDN'T WE HEAR ELLIE'S SIDE OF THE STORY FIRST? HERE'S ELLIE'S SIDE.

"SELLING DRUGS BRINGS IN MORE MONEY THAN WAITING TABLES."

THERE YOU GO. WERE YOU MOVED?

OKAY,LOOK, MAYBE I WAS WRONG.

MAYBE IT WAS FLOUR. MAYBE SHE'S A PASTRY CHEF.

YEAH! AND SHE CAME UP WITH THAT TATTOO COVER STORY

TO HIDE HER ILLICIT BAKING.

ALL RIGHT,LOOK, I KNOW WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING,

BUT THIS WOMAN'S OUR FRIEND.

YES,AND I'M A CONVICTED FELON STILL ON PROBATION.

NOW IF THE POLICE FIND OUT WE'RE HARBORING A DRUG DEALER,

THEY'RE GONNA FRY ME. WE HAVE TO TURN HER IN.

WELL,THE PRIORITY FOR ME

IS WORKING OUT CUSTODY OF BENJAMIN.

TO THAT END,I'VE WRITTEN DOWN

ALL THE PERTINENT FACTS ABOUT THE SITUATION.

NO,I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS OVER THE PHONE.

UH,LISTEN. I'M GONNA HOP IN THE SHOWER.

HOW ABOUT WE MEET IN YOUR OFFICE IN ABOUT AN HOUR? GREAT. THANKS.

ORSON?

ORSON?

THE,UH,THE DOOR'S OPEN.

EDIE? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

GET OUT HERE,YOU WUSS.

THAT PURITANICAL ROBOT BITCH OF YOURS

IS SABOTAGING MY BUSINESS.

OKAY,HANG ON A SECOND. I'LL BE RIGHT OUT.

YOU KNOW,UH,ORSON... FORGET IT.

JUST-JUST TAKE A NICE,LONG SHOWER.

REALLY? YOU SURE?

YEAH. UH, NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT,

I CAN HANDLE BREE ALL BY MYSELF.

SO THAT'S WHEN I SAW ALL THOSE BRICKS OF COCAINE UNDER HER BED.

I MEAN,I-I MEAN, I THINK IT WAS COCAINE,

AND I THINK THEY'RE CALLED BRICKS.

I'M JUST A SIMPLE HOUSEWIFE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.

WELL,YOU'VE DONE THE RIGHT THING,AND IT'S THANKS

TO THE COOPERATION OF CITIZENS LIKE YOU-

YEAH,YEAH,YEAH. WHEN ARE YOU GONNA GET HER OUT OF OUR HOUSE?

WELL,IT'S A LITTLE MORE COMPLICATED THAN THAT.

MEANING?

BULLOCK!

OH,MY GOD!

WHAT? WHAT? I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING.

IT'S ONE OF ELLIE'S CUSTOMERS.

ACTUALLY, I'M DETECTIVE BULLOCK.

WE'VE BEEN TRACKING MISS LEONARD FOR SEVERAL MONTHS NOW.

OKAY,SO IF YOU KNOW WHAT SHE'S DOING,

THEN WHY DON'T YOU JUST BUST HER? SHE'S SMALL-TIME.

WE'RE TRYING TO GET TO HER SUPPLIER,

SO WE NEED HER TO KEEP DEALING.

WAIT. SO YOU'RE JUST GONNA LEAVE A DRUG DEALER IN OUR HOUSE?

YES. FOR NOW WE JUST NEED YOU

TO ACT NORMAL,PRETEND LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.

WE'LL MOVE IN WHEN THE CASE IS MADE. OKAY,LOOK,

I'M ALL FOR DOING MY CIVIC DUTY,

BUT THIS WOMAN- SHE'S... SORT OF A... FRIEND.

AND NOW YOU'RE ASKING US TO TRICK HER?

I'M NOT SURE WE'RE COMFORTABLE WITH THIS.

MR. SOLIS, YOU'RE ON PROBATION,RIGHT?

HOW'D YOU LIKE NOT TO BE?

WHAT ON EARTH COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT?

OH,I WANTED TO THANK YOU.

AFTER YOU SCARED OFF THAT COUPLE

THAT WERE GOING TO BUY THE YOUNG HOUSE,

I,UH,FOUND ANOTHER BUYER,

AND THEY'RE WILLING TO GO 10% OVER ASKING.

WELL,GOOD,WHEN THEY DROP BY FOR THEIR INSPECTION,

I'LL JUST HAVE TO HAVE A NICE LITTLE CHAT WITH THEM,TOO.

YOU WOULDN'T WANNA DO THAT TO ME.

AND AFTER ALL, WE'RE FAMILY.

FAMILY?

WELL,YES, SINCE MY NEPHEW AUSTIN

IS BENJAMIN'S BIOLOGICAL FATHER,

THAT MAKES ME BENJY'S GREAT-AUNT-

A TERM I DON'T EXACTLY LOVE,

BUT IT'S BETTER THAN "GRANDMA,"

WHICH IS WHAT YOU ARE.

HOW DID YOU...

CUTE STORY.

I- I WENT OVER TO ORSON'S TO ASK HIM TO GET YOU OFF MY BACK,

AND THE POOR SAP-

HE-HE'D WRITTEN THE WHOLE SORDID TALE DOWN

AND LEFT IT RIGHT THERE ON THE TABLE.

EDIE,IF WORD GOT OUT,

MY WHOLE FAMILY WOULD BE... HUMILIATED.

OH,I DON'T WANT WORD TO GET OUT.

THAT WOULD RUIN EVERYTHING, BECAUSE RIGHT NOW I...

WELL,I OWN YOU.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

GLAD YOU ASKED.

FROM THIS MOMENT ON, I AM YOUR BEST FRIEND.

YOU'RE GONNA INVITE ME TO ALL OF YOUR FANCY PARTIES,

SET ME UP WITH ALL YOUR SINGLE FRIENDS,

AND,WELL,IF I'M EVER IN THE MOOD FOR MUFFINS,

YOU'RE GONNA BAKE 'EM FOR ME.

EDIE... PLEASE.

AND IF YOU DON'T,

IF FOR ONE SECOND I DON'T FEEL THE LOVE,

I'M GONNA BURY YOU.

YOU UNDERSTAND?

YEAH.

GOOD.

OH,BY THE WAY,UM,I'M HAVING AN OPEN HOUSE TOMORROW.

A PLATE OF BANANA NUT MUFFINS SURE WOULD SET THE MOOD.

DON'T YOU THINK?

OH! OH!

HEY,HONEY, COULD YOU GET THAT? THANK YOU.

HEY,BREE,PERFECT TIMING.

WE WERE JUST GETTING READY TO DEAL THE CARDS. BREE,ARE YOU OKAY?

THERE'S SOMETHING I'VE BEEN... KEEPING FROM ALL OF YOU,

AND,UM...

WE NEED TO TALK.

HEY,WAYNE.

I FINISHED THAT D.N.A. YOU WANTED.

I'M PROBABLY GONNA GET IN TROUBLE

BECAUSE I PUT IT IN FRONT OF MARTIN'S TRIPLE HOMICIDE.

YOU BAD GIRL.

WELL,I OWE YOU. I JUST NEEDED TO CONFIRM

THAT THE VIC AND MY SUSPECT ARE RELATED. OH,WELL,ACTUALLY,THEY'RE NOT.

I RAN THE SAMPLES FROM THE CHEEK SWAB

AND THE WAD OF GUM YOU GAVE ME,

AND YOUR SUSPECT'S NOT RELATED TO THE VICTIM AT ALL.

ARE YOU SURE? MM-HMM. OH, YEAH,IT'S 100% EXCLUSION.

ARE YOU HUNGRY? 'CAUSE I WORKED ALL THROUGH LUNCH,

AND I THOUGHT THAT YOU AND I COULD GO GET-

WAYNE?

OH,MY GOD.

AND EDIE THREATENED TO USE THAT TO...

YES.

OKAY,FIRST OF ALL, YOU'RE,LIKE,

THE GREATEST MOM EVER TO WANNA PROTECT DANIELLE LIKE THAT.

THANK YOU.

I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE WAS BLACKMAILING YOU.

I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE MADE A PLAY FOR ORSON.

I CAN. SHE WENT AFTER CARLOS AND MIKE AND KARL.

THE ONLY PERSON SHE HASN'T GONE AFTER IS TOM.

YET.

THIS WOMAN IS OUTTA CONTROL.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

NO. WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

HEY,GUYS,WHAT'S GOING ON?

I TOLD THEM EVERYTHING, EDIE,

ABOUT ORSON,BENJAMIN,

EVERYTHING. YOU DID?

SHE DID, SO YOU CAN KISS

THAT LITTLE BLACKMAIL SCHEME GOOD-BYE.

WELL,I WAS ONLY DOING IT BECAUSE-

YOU WERE ONLY DOING IT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE DEVIL.

OKAY,FINE,CHEW ME OUT AND LET'S GET ON WITH IT.

IT'S NOT LIKE ALL THE OTHER TIMES,EDIE.

WE'RE DONE.

DONE?

WE'RE NOT INVITING YOU TO POKER. WE'RE NOT TALKING TO YOU.

WE'RE NOT EVEN GONNA WAVE WHEN YOU JOG BY.

FROM NOW ON,YOU ARE INVISIBLE. AND WE'RE GONNA MAKE SURE EVERY WOMAN IN A 5-MILE RADIUS

KNOWS THE KIND OF CRAP YOU PULLED.

WE TRIED TO BE YOUR FRIENDS, BUT YOU DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND

WHAT THAT WORD MEANS, SO NOW WE'RE GONNA BE SOMETHING

YOU DO UNDERSTAND.

GUYS,WAIT. WAIT. I KNOW I CROSSED A LINE THIS TIME,

AND,WELL,I'M-I'M SORRY.

DID YOU HEAR SOMETHING?

MNH-MNH.

NEITHER DID I.

OVER HERE, HONEY,LOOK AT THE CAMERA.

LOOK AT THE CAMERA. YOU READY TO RIDE,DYLAN?

NOW LOOK,IF YOU'RE SCARED, YOU DON'T HAVE TO. I WANT TO.

NO,YOU'RE A BRAVE GIRL.

HOLD UP YOUR ARM FOR THE CAMERA,SWEETHEART.

HOW MANY STITCHES IS THAT? 11.

AND YOU DIDN'T CRY ONCE, DID YOU?

CAN I RIDE NOW,PLEASE, DADDY?

OF COURSE,BABY.

I LOVE YOU,DADDY.

DYLAN,IT'S ME.

UH,YOU NEED TO COME OVER HERE TOMORROW.

YEAH,I KNOW IT'S MOTHER'S DAY, BUT IT'S OKAY.

I GOT SOME THINGS TO TELL YOU ABOUT YOUR MOTHER.

OOH,I WANT THIS ONE.

OH. YOW! IT'S A LITTLE PRICEY.

BUT I WANT IT. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO ASKED ME TO GO SHOPPING.

WELL,I KNOW,BUT WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SPENDING TIME TOGETHER,

NOT GOING INTO DEBT.

OH.

HOW ABOUT THIS ONE?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "SUPPOSED TO"?

I JUST...

IT'S GOOD FOR US TO HANG OUT. I ENJOY IT.

IS THIS SOMETHING THAT THE DOCTOR MADE YOU DO?

NO. ALL MY IDEA.

I JUST WANTED TO TREAT YOU TO A REAL FUN DAY.

ALL RIGHT. YOU WANT ME TO HAVE FUN?

MM-HMM.

BUY ME THIS.

OKAY.

GOOD TIMES.

I'D LIKE AN OLD-FASHIONED, PLEASE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER,MICHAEL? YOU TUCKERED OUT?

OH,YEAH,I JUST DIDN'T GET MUCH SLEEP.

HONESTLY,I WONDER HOW YOU EVER GET ANY,

WELL,CONSIDERING YOU GOT SUSAN IN THE BED

SAWING WOOD ALL NIGHT.

I'M DOING WHAT NOW?

SNORING.

WHAT'D YOU SAY IT SOUNDED LIKE,MICHAEL?

A BUNCH OF BULLDOGS IN A BAG?

BUT IT IS A SOUND THAT I'VE COME TO LOVE.

YOU KNOW WHAT MY MEEMAW DID TO GRANDPA BOO?

SHE SEWED A MARBLE IN THE BACK OF HIS PAJAMA TOP,

THEN IF HE ROLLED ON HIS BACK TO START SNORIN',

IT'D WAKE HIM RIGHT UP. BUT I GUESS YOU CAN'T DO THAT,

SEEING AS HOW YOU SLEEP IN THE NUDE AND ALL.

WELL, THAT'S GONNA CHANGE REAL SOON.

I'M GON' FIX MY FACE BEFORE I ORDER. EXCUSE ME.

OH,THIS IS NICE.

NICE? SHE'S DRIVING ME CRAZY.

YOU HAVE GOT TO STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT ME TO HER.

I DON'T... COMPLAIN.

WELL,YOU COULD SEE HOW I, AS THE NUDE,SNORING WHORE,

WOULD THINK SO.

OKAY, NOW I MIGHT VENT A LITTLE BIT,

BUT SHE'S JUST TRYING TO HELP. WELL, THE NEXT TIME SHE TRIES TO HELP,

SHE'S GONNA GET AN OLD-FASHIONED IN HER FACE,

SO YOU BETTER STEP UP AND START DEFENDING ME. OKAY,OKAY.

WELL,LOVELY POWDER ROOM.

IT'S AMAZING THAT SUCH A BUSY RESTAURANT

CAN KEEP THEIR BATHROOM CLEANER THAN YOURS.

NOW,MAMA,THAT'S- THAT'S NOT VERY NICE.

WELL,YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TOLD ME

YOU DIDN'T MARRY HER FOR HER HOUSEKEEPIN'.

YOU JUST NEED SOMEONE TO TEACH THESE THINGS.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

WHY DON'T I STAY A FEW EXTRA WEEKS,

AND YOU AND I CAN SPRUCE THE HOUSE UP?

AND DON'T WORRY. I'LL LEAVE WHEN THE BABY COMES.

AT MY AGE,ALL THAT CRYING JUST CUTS MY NERVES TO SHREDS.

NOW THE FIRST THING WE'RE GONNA DO...

IS WASH YOUR WALLS.

JUST 'CAUSE WE DON'T WALK ON 'EM

DOESN'T MEAN THEY DON'T GET DIRTY.

NOW HOW DO YOU REMEMBER THAT?

...SCIENCE PROJECT. NOW WHEN YOU USED TO READ...

OH,MY GOD! MY WATER BROKE. WHAT?

MY WATER JUST BROKE. I'M IN LABOR.

WE HAVE TO GO. YOU'RE NOT DUE FOR A MONTH.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU, MAMA. LOOK AT ME.

AAH! COME ON. WE HAVE TO GET YOU TO THE HOSPITAL.

WELL,YES,LET'S GO.

NO,NO,NO,YOU SHOULD TAKE A CAB HOME AND START PACKING.

THIS ONE FEELS LIKE A CRIER.

WELL, ARE YOU SURE I SHOULD-

AAH! AAH! COME ON.

AAH! AAH! AAH!

AH. AH.

YOU'RE DOING GREAT,HONEY. JUST KEEP BREATHING.

HOW CLOSE ARE THE CONTRACTIONS?

A FEW WEEKS APART. WANNA GO TO THE MOVIES?

WHAT?

I'M NOT IN LABOR,OKAY?

BUT YOUR WATER BROKE. I SAW IT.

THAT WAS CLUB SODA.

AMNIOTIC FLUID DOESN'T HAVE ICE CUBES AND A LEMON WEDGE. WHAT,YOU FAKED THAT?

I'M SORRY. I PANICKED.

YOUR MOTHER JUST INVITED HERSELF TO STAY WITH US FOR THREE WEEKS,

AND YOU SAID NOTHING. I HAD TO COME UP WITH A PLAN.

WELL,WHAT HAPPENS IF WE GO HOME WITH NO BABY?

I DIDN'T SAY IT WAS A GOOD PLAN.

DO YOU SEE THE EFFECT SHE HAS ON ME?

I JUST THANK GOD I WASN'T DRINKING COFFEE.

I COULD'VE HURT MYSELF. OKAY, I GET IT. I'LL TALK TO HER.

THANK YOU.

DO YOU WANNA GO BACK IN THERE RIGHT NOW AND TELL HER?

NO. NO. THE RESTAURANT JUST COMPED OUR DRINKS.

WE'LL TELL HER AT HOME.

WELL,WE'VE DONE ENOUGH DAMAGE FOR ONE DAY.

LET'S GO HOME.

I WANT A CORN DOG FIRST.

OH,HONEY,WE'RE ABOUT TO HAVE DINNER.

BUT I'M HUNGRY NOW. I WANT A CORN DOG.

ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU. IF YOU'RE HUNGRY,

I'LL GET YOU SOMETHING HEALTHY, AND YOU CAN HAVE IT IN THE CAR.

CORN. DOG. WHY CAN'T I HAVE ONE?

WELL,AT THIS POINT,

BECAUSE OF THE WAY YOU'RE ACTING.

PLEASE DON'T DO THIS, KAYLA.

WE HAVE BEEN HAVING SUCH A NICE TIME.

AND WE CAN KEEP HAVING A NICE TIME.

JUST GIVE ME WHAT I WANT,

OR YOU'RE NOT GONNA LIKE WHAT HAPPENS.

ARE YOU... THREATENING ME?

I'M JUST SAYING,

I GOT THAT IDIOT PRESTON TO JUMP OFF THE ROOF.

WONDER WHAT I COULD GET PENNY TO DO.

I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT,BUT THAT WAS...

THAT WAS HORRIBLE,WHAT YOU SAID.

AND-AND...

YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY THAT AGAIN.

OKAY,SO...

COME ON. LET'S GO. COME ON.

OH,SUSAN,YOU'RE UP.

MICHAEL TOLD ME ABOUT YOUR FALSE LABOR.

THAT WAS UNUSUAL. WELL,IT HAPPENS.

I KNOW,BUT USUALLY YOUR WATER DOESN'T BREAK.

OH,THAT. UM...

TURNS OUT I SPILLED SOME CLUB SODA.

WELL,NO SURPRISE THERE.

MICHAEL TOLD ME WHAT A KLUTZY KATHY YOU ARE.

I'M GLAD HE FINDS THAT CUTE.

I MYSELF DON'T HAVE THE PATIENCE.

HEY,MAMA.

HELLO,MICHAEL.

DO YOU HAVE A MOTHER'S DAY PRESENT FOR ME?

HE SURE DOES, BUT I WANT MINE FIRST.

MAMA,WE NEED TO TALK.

ABOUT WHAT? ABOUT THE WAY YOU TALK TO PEOPLE.

I MEAN,UM,SOMETIMES YOU CAN BE A LITTLE TOO... HONEST.

SORRY. GO ON.

IT'S JUST... YOU DON'T REALIZE HOW THINGS SOUND

WHEN THEY'RE COMING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.

I KNOW YOU MEAN WELL- OHH!

I'M GETTING TO IT. NO,NO,NO, I-I LOVE WHERE THIS IS GOING.

IT'S JUST THAT,MAMA,SOMETIMES WHEN YOU'RE TALKING TO SUSAN-

SUSAN,YOU LOOK A LITTLE PALE. ARE YOU OKAY?

OH,SHE'S FINE. AND I WISH SHE'D CUT IT OUT.

NO,I'M NOT TRYING TO-OW!

SUSAN?

ARE-ARE YOU GOING INTO LABOR? FOR REAL?

MAYBE. WHO CARES? LET HER HAVE IT.

OKAY,OKAY.

MAMA,YOU'VE GOTTA STOP TAKING POTSHOTS AT SUSAN.

SHE'S MY WIFE, AND I LOVE HER,

AND I CAN'T HAVE YOU UPSETTING HER.

SWEETHEART,I-I AM DEEPLY SORRY AND MORTIFIED.

IF-IF I'VE CAUSED YOU ANY DISTRESS,

I NEVER MEANT TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS.

APOLOGY ACCEPTED. LET'S GO.

OH. WHOO!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

OH.

OH,MY GOSH!

THAT IS SO SWEET. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

WE'RE GONNA GO GET YOUR PRESENT. YEAH.

OKAY.

I HOPE YOU LIKE TURTLES.

SO...

NO KAYLA?

WELL, SHE'S STILL PRETTY UPSET.

AGAIN, I KNOW I CROSSED THE LINE,

AND I AM SO SORRY.

YOU KNOW WHAT? LET'S NOT GET INTO THIS.

I'M JUST GONNA GET ANGRY ALL OVER AGAIN.

TOM,IF YOU HAD BEEN THERE AND HEARD WHAT SHE SAID...

IT DOESN'T MATTER. YOU HIT HER.

HONEY, SHE'S JUST A LITTLE GIRL.

AND NOW THANKS TO YOU, SHE'S A FRIGHTENED LITTLE GIRL.

SORRY TO BOTHER YOU, DR. DOLAN,

BUT YOU SAID I COULD CALL ANYTIME.

MY MOM...

SHE HIT ME.

NO,IT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME.

I WAS AFRAID TO TELL YOU

'CAUSE I KNEW WHAT SHE WOULD DO IF SHE FOUND OUT.

PLEASE HELP ME.

I DON'T FEEL SAFE HERE.

I HAVE TO GO. SHE'S COMING.

UH,SORRY ABOUT THE MESS. THE MAID TOOK THE WEEK OFF.

YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO TALK TO ME AND...

TELL ME THINGS ABOUT MOM?

YOU KNOW WHAT,KIDDO? I-I HAD KIND OF A BAD DAY YESTERDAY.

I SAT AROUND HERE DRINKING, FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF.

AND... AND THEN I CALLED YOU.

THAT'S OKAY.

IF YOU'RE FEELING SAD OR WHATEVER,

YOU SHOULD ALWAYS CALL ME.

NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT. I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT.

NONE OF WHAT?

I TRIED SO HARD TO LET THE PAST JUST BE THE PAST.

I DIDN'T- I DIDN'T WANNA BRING UP

WHO DID WHAT TO WHO OR WHY.

WHAT DID MOM SAY TO YOU?

AND IT TURNS OUT I'VE BEEN KIDDING MYSELF ALL THIS TIME.

THIS FAMILY THAT I'VE BEEN FIGHTING FOR-

IT JUST- IT DOESN'T EVEN...

EXIST.

WE DON'T NEED HER.

I'M FINE WITH JUST YOU AND ME.

I'M HAPPY NOW.

OW! DAD,YOU'RE HURTING ME.

DAD,WHAT'S THE MATTER?

YOU HAVE TO GO.

WHAT'S WRONG? DID I DO SOMETHING?

GET OUTTA HERE! NOW!

ELLIE? BRUNCH IS ALMOST READY!

THIS IS GONNA BE SO HARD.

YOU CAN'T THINK OF HER AS YOUR FRIEND.

THINK OF HER AS A DRUG DEALER

WHO COULD'VE GOTTEN US INTO A LOT OF TROUBLE. I'LL TRY.

OH! SHOOT.

I WANTED TO SURPRISE YOU. WHAT'S THIS?

WELL,YOU KNOW, IT'S MOTHER'S DAY,AND...

I HAVE KIND OF A CRAPPY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY MOM,

SO...

THIS IS MY WAY OF SAYING THANKS FOR BEING NICER TO ME

THAN SHE EVER WAS.

OH.

OH,HONEY!

I'M GLAD I DIDN'T GET YOU THE CHOCOLATES.

NO,TRAVERS,NO,I DECIDED SPENDING MOTHER'S DAY WITH YOU

IS MORE IMPORTANT

THAN SPENDING TIME SHOWING PEOPLE STUPID HOUSES.

OH,LOVE YOU,TOO,SWEETHEART.

ACTUALLY,I THINK MOMMY'S GONNA BE SPENDING

A LOT MORE TIME WITH YOU FROM NOW ON.

BUT WE'LL TALK ABOUT THAT WHEN I GET THERE,OKAY?

I LOVE YOU,BABY. I'LL SEE YOU SOON.

IT HAPPENS THE SECOND SUNDAY OF EVERY MAY.

WE CELEBRATE THE WOMEN

WHO GIVE US LIFE...

AND SO MUCH MORE.

THE ONES WHO PROTECT US AT ALL COSTS...

WHO HAVE THE COURAGE TO FIGHT THOSE WHO WOULD DO US HARM...

WHO PUT OUR HAPPINESS AHEAD OF THEIR OWN.

BUT MOSTLY...

WE CELEBRATE A MOTHER'S LOVE,

WHICH IS CONSTANT,ETERNAL...

AND THERE FROM THE VERY BEGINNING.