Designing Women (1986–1993): Season 4, Episode 9 - Julia and Suzanne's Big Adventure - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

Where's everybody?
Don't Julia and Suzanne

leave for Japan this morning?

Well, yes, they do,
but Julia's not down yet,

and Suzanne's on her way over.

What's this I heard Julia say

about Suzanne
buying a Japanese car?

You know, Perky,
Suzanne and Julia's mother,

has been seeing some
Japanese gentleman,

who's the vice president
of a car company,

and he's going to give
it to her below cost.



All she has to do
is go over there

and take possession,
and then they ship it to her.

I can't believe she's
getting a discount.

I thought the yen was
stronger than the dollar.

Well, I guess not, if
you're dating somebody.

Did y'all see this?

A guy in Florida is offering
reincarnation insurance.

Pay $9.95, and then, when
you come back in the next life,

you get $10 million.

You come back as
a plant or an animal,

you get 20 million.

That is absolutely ridiculous!

Yes, I agree.

I mean, what if I came
back as a rhododendron?



What the heck am I going
to do with $20 million?

Buy Miracle-Gro
for all my friends?

- Charlene.
- What?

Don't you have to get
on down to the DMV?

Oh, gosh, you're right! Thanks.

Okay, I'll be back in
20 minutes, I promise.

Hi. Suzanne here yet?

Not yet. Do you need some
help with your luggage?

No, thank you.
This is all I'm taking.

We're only going for four days.

It doesn't make sense
to take a lot of clothes.

You know, you all ought to
stay longer than four days.

You never get to
see your mother.

I know, but it wouldn't
make any difference

if we could stay.

Mother has to leave
for Paris on Friday.

One of her closest
friends is very ill,

and she's promised
she'd be there.

Anyway, here's the number
of mother's apartment,

in case of an emergency.

Can you believe all this stuff?

Isn't even half of
what I want to take.

How am I ever going to
get around with all this?

I'm just gonna have to get
me some of those little wheels.

Suzanne, I'm not
spending four hours

at the baggage check.

You are taking only
what you can carry on.

Julia, this is what
I can carry on.

Otherwise, I
wouldn't be carrying it.

And I'll tell you
something else.

I am not eating octopus,

walking around
in my stocking feet,

or taking a bath
with my neighbors,

no matter what
those little people say.

Yes, well, it's
always stimulating

to travel with the
international voice of racism.

Can't believe first
class is full up.

We're back here
traveling in coach.

Might as well be on the subway.

Suzanne, we're gonna...
Suzanne, we're gonna

be with these people
for the next 17 hours.

Let's not offend
everybody on board

before we leave
the runway, okay?

Julia, I am not
offending anyone.

We're the only ones here
who understand English.

Suzanne, you just hit
that poor man on the head.

Who, him?

Oh, for heaven's sakes,
Julia. He's sound asleep.

Where's our seat?
Let's just find our seats.

Well, where are they?

I don't know. If history
teaches anything,

mine will be next to
a baby who smokes.

Here they are!
Dibs on this seat!

Suzanne, I am not getting
up every ten minutes,

while you go to the bathroom

and catch up on
your mirror time.

You should sit here. I
should sit in the middle.

It's too late, Julia.

I called dibs, didn't I?

Ah, you don't understand.

They probably don't
have dibs in your country.

I just hate traveling to
underdeveloped lands.

And by the way, just what is
he doing sitting by the window?

Everybody knows I always
have to sit by the window.

He's sitting in my seat.

Excuse me! Excuse me!

Julia, give me that phrase book.

Does it tell you how to
say "Get your little butt

out of my window
seat right this minute"?

Suzanne, it's a
book for diplomats.

It will only tell you
how to politely suggest

that he withdraw from his seat

over a period of the
next several years.

Seat, me, mine!

I'm very sorry.

See? That's better.

Told you, Julia. I can
communicate just fine.

I'm going to be a goodwill
ambassador for our country.

Hi, my name is Cindy.
Would you like anything?

Yes. I'd like to renounce
my American citizenship.

Oh, hi. You still here?

Yeah, I thought as
long as I had the time,

I'd just itemize these bills.
I thought you'd gone home.

I turned on the TV for company.

Mm, so what you
watching, the news?

No, it's one of those
issues programs, you know,

where they discuss something,

and the audience
calls in and votes on it?

I mean, can you believe it?

Only 45% of the population

voted in the last
presidential election,

and thousands of
people will call in

and sound off on
tube tops, yea or nay.

Well, I'm just gonna
sort through this junk.

Do you mind if I join you?

No.

[phone ringing]

Hello. Sugarbakers.

Oh, hi, Charlene.

No, they've already
gone to the airport.

How's it going at the DMV?

Most of the people
down here are real cranky.

You know? They don't know
how the department works.

They don't know
which line goes where,

and they just want
to get out of here.

Why don't they just
ask the employees?

Well, I was talking
about the employees.

I guess the honor of
being a public servant's

kind of worn off a little bit.

Well, I did meet one
interesting fella, though,

in line, you know, waiting
to get my license renewed?

He was having trouble
getting his renewed, you know,

'cause he had a little
run-in with the law.

Traffic tickets?

Well, no, he once
hijacked a bus.

Can you imagine that,
hijacking a Greyhound bus?

I mean, what do you say?

Take this bus to
Louisville and step on it?

I'm giving you nine days?

Oh, I've gotta
go, I've gotta go!

He's holding my place in line.

All right, Charlene. Well,
it's good to hear from you.

If you need us, we'll be
right here at mission control.

All right, bye-bye.

Excuse me, Cindy.
How old is this airplane?

How old?

That's right.

I'm sorry. It's a
company policy.

We're not allowed
to tell the passengers

how old the plane is.

Not allowed?

Plane age is a major
factor in air safety,

and we, as passengers,
are not allowed to know?

I'm sorry.

I see.

What exactly are
we supposed to do?

Wait until one of
the wings drops off

and count the rings?

I'm sorry.

I could tell you my
age, if you'd like.

That's very funny, Cindy.

I enjoy airline humor.
Thank you for stopping by.

[Mary Jo] Hurry up, hurry up!
I'm about to do another one!

Mary Jo, you have
already called in

and voted too many times.

The operator is going
to know your voice!

No, they won't. Listen.

Hello.

Is this the number
you call to vote on

"Were they too
hard on Jim Bakker?"

Yes, well, I'd like to vote no.

That's my vote.

This is Tammy Faye,
and I ought to know.

[sobbing]

Oh, there it is.

No just went up
another percentage point.

Yes, I think those
last ten calls of mine

really put it over.

[Suzanne] Julia, what's wrong?

I just keep thinking
about that movie Airport.

It was on cable the other night.

I wish I'd never seen it.

You worried about crashing?

No, Suzanne.

I'm worried there might be
a nun on board with a guitar.

What's wrong with you?

I don't know. I'm
just kind of edgy.

I guess I'm excited about
seeing Mother again,

visiting a totally new country.

Of course, seeing
Japan with Mother,

we'll be seeing the real Japan.

Julia, I am just here to visit
Mother and pick up a car.

I do not want to have
any cultural experiences.

As for seeing the real Japan,

I've noticed that whenever
people start talking about

seeing the real anything,
what they're talking about,

basically, is hanging
around with poor people.

Now, I say I don't hang around
with poor people at home.

Why should I do it on vacation?

Look here, he's sitting
on my purse strap.

Excuse me! Excuse me!

Get the phrase book, Julia.

Does it tell you how to say

"You're sitting on
my purse strap"?

Suzanne, it might
be a nice gesture

if you learned one or
two words in Japanese,

instead of just hollering
at these people.

Say "gomennasai".
That means excuse me.

So gomennasai.

Go what?

Never mind. I'll say it.

[speaking Japanese]

Ma'am, I know I'm
on her purse strap.

And I'm gonna get off of it

as soon as I get
resituated here.

And just for the record,
if there's anything else

y'all want to do to me,
besides moving me,

insulting me, or waking me up,

just do it all in English

'cause I'm from
Commerce, Georgia.

I might look Japanese,
but I'm really a bubba.

Okay?

[Mary Jo] How many times
have we called, Anthony?

About 300 or 400.

I'm having such a good time,
it reminds me of snow days.

You remember snow days.

You know, you'd
wake up in the morning.

There'd be a couple of
inches of snow on the ground,

and while mama
was fixing breakfast,

we'd sit around
listening to the radios

to see which schools were closed

and which schools
were gonna be open,

and we'd sit there
and just pray and pray,

"Please, oh, please, oh,
please, say Franklin Elementary."

And then the radio would
say "And Franklin Elementary."

And then we would just
roll all around the floor

in our pajamas,
going "Yes, yes, yes!"

And then what would you do?

Well, then we'd spend
about 45 minutes

getting into our snow clothes,

and then we'd go outside
for about ten minutes,

and it'd be too cold.

So then, we'd come in,
and have some hot chocolate

and watch TV and
make prank phone calls.

Mm-hm, that
sounds just like today.

Yeah, sort of.

Anthony, why don't you
vote a couple more times?

Come on, come
on. Then we'll quit.

Do that West Indian
voice. I just love that.

Okay, but first turn
up the television.

Make sure we're
still on the same topic.

Okay.

[TV announcer] Well,
the tide has really turned.

In the last hour,
we've gone from 24%

saying Jim Bakker got a raw deal

to nearly 90% saying
he got what he deserved.

Keep calling in, and
remember, each call costs $2.00.

I told you, we don't
have any money,

and we don't have any luggage,

because we were robbed
right here in the Tokyo Airport

by some ugly American hippies.

And on top of that, the
heel on my shoe has broken,

and I can't walk!

We're just waiting for
somebody to catch them.

No, no, no, you
don't understand!

My mother had to go to Paris

because of the
death of a friend.

We can't get into her apartment

because we don't
have any identification,

and the landlady
won't give us the key.

Well, you are the American
Consulate, aren't you?

I mean, I thought
you were supposed

to give us shelter or something.

No, I don't want the
number of the Holiday Inn!

Okay. That's it. I want
your name right now.

Carl Lonius.

Okay, Carl, I just
want you to know

that when I get back
to the United States,

I will find you again,

and you are going
to be punished.

You can count on it.

I knew something like
this was going to happen.

I mean, why do we even try?

We never have good vacations.

Let's face it. It's just
not in the cards for us.

I think the next time we
get the urge to leave home,

we just get under our beds
and stay there till it passes.

I just cannot believe that
the police in this airport

cannot track down
three dirty-looking,

long-haired hippies
pushing a cart full of luggage

at 90 miles an hour.

I mean, it's not like
they wouldn't stand out!

Well, at least you have
our tickets in your pocket,

and you have me
to thank for that.

You? Why?

Because you said
I was incompetent

and might lose mine.

That's why you
put them in there.

Excuse me. Excuse me!
You seem to be Americans.

I am an American, too. My
name is Julia Sugarbaker.

Might we borrow $5.00 or $10,

whatever you could spare?

Hey, heard anything
about your luggage

or your purses yet?

No.

Oh, that's too bad.

Listen, I went ahead and
bought a couple of toothbrushes

out of the vending
machine over there.

Oh, thank you. That's very kind.

Oh, hey, I have
a wife of my own.

Boy, I sure would
hate for her to be alone

and penniless in a strange city.

I'm sorry for all
those mean things

I did to you on the plane.

Could you give us some cash?

I guess I could spare a little.

I'm kind of strapped myself.

I'm a slacks salesman
in between jobs right now.

Tomorrow I have
a big job interview

with a big Japanese
firm. Kind of a last resort.

If I don't get it, I'll
probably kill myself.

Well, I don't mean
to be unfeeling,

but if you do kill yourself,
could we have your money?

Suzanne.

Well, y'all still have
your tickets, don't you?

You could just go home.

No, we can't do that.

We have a weekend excursion.

We can't leave till Sunday.

That's right.

See, we have some
money being wired to us.

It's just that, in the meantime,

you know, we need
someplace to stay.

Well, I guess you could
come to my hotel with me,

explain your situation,

but I wasn't spending
money on a cab.

Oh, no. That's fine.

That's all right.
We'd appreciate it.

How far is it?

About 18 blocks.

I just can't believe that any
Chamber of Commerce in the world

would allow this place
to call itself a hotel.

This isn't a hotel. It's
a bunch of shelves.

Hey, it's where I'm
staying. I'm on a budget.

That's right, Suzanne.
We should be grateful.

And with the International
Trade Fair in town,

we're lucky Sam is willing
to share the only shelf left.

Listen, I know I said
we could all take turns,

but that way, nobody
is going to sleep.

So, why don't you two
just take the whole cubicle

for the whole night?

No, no, you've got your
big interview tomorrow.

No, we couldn't do that.
It would be too much.

I could.

You go on up with
her. I know you're tired.

Well, this is ridiculous.
We're all tired.

I know it's irregular,
but who cares?

Let's just lie down
and go to sleep.

We won't even notice that
we're lying next to each other.

Okay, but don't
ever tell my wife.

Is everybody comfortable?

Oh, yeah, great.

Lights out.

[Suzanne] Would you please
take your hand off my breast?

[Sam] Hey, I'm sorry.

Not you. Julia!

[Julia] Suzanne,
I'm tired. I've had it!

I need someplace
to rest my hand,

and if you've got
something to rest it on,

I'm gonna use it.

Just be quiet and go to sleep.

Just think, Suzanne,
tomorrow we get the car,

we get the money.

Next day, we fly home.

Hallelujah!

I am never going anywhere again.

I'm not even going
in my backyard.

You know, I'm very proud of us.

We have been stripped
of all civilized necessities,

and we did not fall apart.

I fell apart.

Most of the time when you
thought I was out panhandling,

I was just sitting in that
big pay toilet, crying.

The important thing is we
didn't lose our sense of humor.

I beg your pardon.

I'm in a hurry, okay?

Besides, you haven't got
anything I haven't seen before.

Don't worry, Julia.

I'll get her name, and
she'll be punished.

Anthony, now, when you
said that we made 400 calls,

you were just exaggerating for
humorous effect, weren't you?

Yes.

How many phone calls do
you think we really made?

350.

We're in trouble.
Wouldn't you know it?

Now that I think of it,

I always did get into
trouble on snow days.

I wish I was in Japan
with Suzanne and Julia.

Just think of them,
staying in a fancy hotel,

living it up.

You know, my share of $350

is not a lot of money
for some people,

but for me, it is.

I'm probably going to
have to get a second job

and sell my cornea.

You know, it's not that bad.

It's not like those
stories you hear

about where some kid gets
hold of a dial-a-porn number

and spends his parents'
entire life savings

talking to somebody named Lola.

Hey!

What?

You know, I saw this
very thing on the news.

And do you know what happened?

The parents called
the phone company

and told them that it was
the work of one wayward child,

and the phone company
took the charge off the bill!

Hey, it's worth a try.
Customer Service, please.

Hello.

Yes, I'm calling from 555-8600,

and my son has something
he wants to tell you.

[high voice] I've been
a naughty, naughty boy.

That's right. As
a matter of fact,

we're on our way now
to buy some new outfits.

We just have to
pick up a money wire.

You ladies are from the
American South, aren't you?

I very much like the
movie Gone With the Wind.

It shows the American
Southern woman to be demure,

helpless and sweet,
most of all forgiving,

very much like the
Japanese woman.

Yes, well, there's just
one little difference.

When a Southern woman
walks on a man's back,

she means it.

I'm sorry. They were bringing
your car across the bay

from the factory,
and it fell off the ferry.

How do you say in American?

Your car drowned.

My car fell into the ocean?

I can't believe this. It's gone?

Everything's gone?

Three days of eating garbage
out of vending machines

and sleeping with a
man we don't even know,

and for what?

A car at the
bottom of the ocean!

I'm very sorry.

I'm going to need the
spelling of your name.

I can't believe we got
that same stewardess.

I can't believe I
didn't get that job.

I can't believe my
car is in the ocean.

Listen, Suzanne,
when we get home,

let's not go on and on
about what happened.

Our vacations are
always so horrendous.

It makes us look foolish.

Let's just say we
had a nice time

and leave it at that.

Julia, I just want to forget it.

What'd you think?

We'd have people
over and show slides?

Oh, yes, there's my
sister at the Tokyo Airport

violating a Coke machine.

As long as we're
having this discussion,

my wife's going
to be at the airport.

If y'all don't mind,
I'd just as soon

she not know that
we all slept together.

670, 680, 690, 700.

I can't believe it. We made it.

That's every bit of the
money from my garage sale.

Well, at least you didn't
have to sell your garage.

I'll just put this right
in this envelope,

and run it right on down
to the phone company.

Okay, but listen.

When Suzanne and
Julia come in, not a word.

They would just think
we are too irresponsible

ever to be left alone again.

And, of course,
obviously, we are.

- Oh, hi.
- Hi.

Hi. Did you have a great time?

[Julia] It was very stimulating.

Well, where's that car?

Oh, Anthony, they don't
let you bring it with you.

You know, Julia, I think I'll
just go on upstairs with you

and freshen up a little
bit before I go home.

[Mary Jo] Where's your luggage?

Oh, it's coming. It was delayed.

How's everything
been around here?

Real quiet.

Oh, actually, it's been boring.

Well, it's sure nice to be home.

Well, it's just great
to have you home.